Why Kids Are Struggling More Than Ever (And How to Protect Yours) | Dr. Shefali

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27:04Lewis Howes:Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results now with Indeed Sponsored Jobs. And listeners of this show will get a$75 sponsored job credit to help you get your job the premium status it deserves at Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring, do it the right way with Indeed. Why is the tendency in a society for a lot of parents to want their kids to be in a certain lane in their, at college, and then have a career that the parents want? Why is that so important for so many adult parents that their kids become a certain profession?

27:51Yeah. You're asking me the most important question. So I'm going to give you a provocative answer. And many of your listeners are not going to like me right now when I say this. And this is why I teach conscious parenting. The reason for that imposing our ideals is because in many ways, the very reason we have children is to have a trophy, is to have an ambassador, is to have somebody who heals us, somebody who now we can curate and puppeteer to be the unrealized selves we never were. Oh my gosh. But it's really subconscious.

28:35Lewis Howes:Yeah, we're not thinking it. No, you're not thinking it. And that's why parents get very offended when I say, and I'm not saying that it is always true, but it's always a potential. I see it in my parenting and I'm trying to be conscious. Really? Yes. One every day. I mean, listen, as a driven individual who had grew up looking to accomplish and achieve to feel worthy. Yes. I could probably see myself unconsciously creating that trap for my kids, for my daughters of repeating that cycle of like, all right, now I see you gifted in this area, so I'm going to nurture it and I'm going to develop it.

29:14Lewis Howes:Yes. And even saying this out loud, I'll probably still do that. Yes. But it's knowing how to do it, I guess it's learning how to do that as a parent from a place of love and nurturing to develop their gifts and talents and personalities and expressions, but also being okay if that's not the direction they want to go in. But it's going to be really hard, especially when you see talent. Because I'm going to be like, let's go maximize this. Yeah, of course. Yes. I'm going to want to maximize that talent. Yes. So it's learning, I guess, or coach me, learning how to develop and nurture and celebrate the talent, but also just celebrate them as their being outside of the talent.

29:54But that's what you just said. You hit it. You have to decide as a parent philosophically, am I raising a human being or a human doing? And don't lie about it. Yeah. Right. Because if you're raising a human doing, then the kid who just strums the table is going to become a drummer. The kid who's just pirouetting in the kitchen will be enrolled in ballet school. The kid who's just good at math is now sent to learn chemistry at MIT without you even realizing. Because you are identifying your role as a parent to raise a human doing, an achiever, an exceller. And that mindset typically of that parent is a very scarcity based mindset because they were raised like that, that they must prove their existence and their worth like you were.

30:42You got so much validation for your achievements. You've tied the two together. And so without that, you're like, who am I then? Like, I'm not worthy. But children are inherently worthy as they are. But you have to really believe it. And when you are okay with your child being ordinary, what if you have a child who is completely average? You've never been average. So, I mean, I know you struggled in school. So you have vulnerability and connection.

31:12Lewis Howes:Yeah, yeah. But you overcompensated. Overcompensated, yes. Obsessive. But what if your child doesn't overcompensate? Now, it's going to be tricky. I'm not saying that they should be losers. But what if a star, a star parent, which I see so much, has an average child, which actually is a good thing. I mean, it's not a bad thing. You know, it's not like, look at you. You're like, oh, my God. Like the average is a criminal or like the biggest loser. They're good. They're just like solid B or solid. They're good. Well, I was never a B student, so I guess it was okay. But I sell another wedge. Yeah, you overcompensate it.

31:51Lewis Howes:Yeah. But we have such anathema to ordinariness because we live in a hustle culture for decades, because we live on external. And let me tell you, that's why these two books are so important. Because if we lived like that, Lewis, comparison, anxiety, perfectionism, obsessiveness, external validation, they in this generation are living that to the point of collapse. Oh, yeah. They are not handling it. You know, why are our children falling apart today? Because they cannot handle it. They are telling us the statistics are clear. They are drowning and we are not paying attention. We're just keeping on going.

32:32We're just, we're like, oh, why stop at social media? Let's go to AI. Why stop at AI? Let's go to super AI. We're not listening to our children. We have never before seen such a mass collapse of our children's mental health. Eight-year-olds on diets, 11-year-olds addicted to porn, infinite girls, self-harming body dysmorphia, suicidal ideation, boys and males four times more than girls and women to commit suicide, like to complete it. The loneliness epidemic. I mean, we are not paying attention. I wrote these books to wake us up, not just to the urgent call for help, but to provide a blueprint.

33:23Because it's one thing to be anxious, but now what to do. So chapter by chapter, I have tools. Just try these five things, you know, and just the memory of like, okay, in this moment, that book said, I need to take my daughter back to her sovereign self. And I can do it. I have to remember that she's losing her voice. So for girls, for you, for example, right? What are you facing, right? In 10 years.

33:51Lewis Howes:Yeah, what am I facing? Or even sooner. Who knows? I don't know what I'm facing in 10 years. But there are some things you can know based on female neurochemistry. Yes. Yeah, you're facing, you know, puberty. The tendency. Yeah, yeah, of course. The tendency. And of course, you can have a boy just like that. It's not just strictly divided. I don't want to be reductive here. But just on the main, girls are extremely sensitive to emotional rejection. Oh, yeah. We've talked about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And to connection. Uh-huh. They scan the room for, do I belong? Am I worthy? Do you approve of me?

34:28They build their sense of self through connection. So today's girl is growing up with less connection and more strangers comparing her to impossible standards. She's never going to be good enough to the AI filters and to the amazing curated editorial feeds that she's scrolling. She's being bombarded by products, bombarded by perfect bodies. So her sense of self, which is created in relationship, is now with these digital perfection. She is and will keep feeling disembodied and collapsing. She will not find her bearings. And we cannot call it dramatic or unhealthy that she's anxious. Anxiety today is an appropriate response to an insane culture.

35:23And our girls are anxious. and her neurobiology is so sensitive. The estrogen that creates the baby in her gives her the oxytocin to bond. The oxytocin to bond makes her uniquely fine-tuned to eye contact, to the emoji. I've had 16, 17-year-old girls come to me showing me text messages and going, you know, they put three exclamation marks or they had this emoji. and this emoji means that they don't like me.

35:55Lewis Howes:Oh my gosh, the psychology of the emoji. Because what they can't do with eye contact and body language, they are projecting onto text. They're interpreting. Which is, you know how hard, you cannot interpret text. You and I cannot interpret text. We get it wrong. So imagine the girl who's trying to find herself through this. So what I will tell you for girls is to never call their emotions drama because you're going to be like, okay, this is a bit dramatic. What if it is? Okay. Never call. It probably is, but calling it dramatic, wrong thing to do. Because you have to help them feel safe in their body.

36:32You know, girls have to learn how to manage their hyper emotions. So calling it dramatic is judgmental. It suppresses it. And the next thing you need to be aware of is that they need physical contact and presence. girls and boys, but more girls than boys, because they find themselves through relationships. And boys are driven by different neurochemistry. So as much as the girl is relationally driven, the boy is driven by pursuit, by achievement, by competition, by action. And if you look at how our boys are being raised today you know on average children you suspend 13 plus hours outside with friends a week yeah and now it's less than five wow so that boy imagine you the most active boy the most physical boy who needed venting all day all night yeah so now he strap him into a chair where all he has is a video console so he is he is channeling all that male energy into a screen and killing and war games.

37:43That's how these video game gamers, the producers of these video games, the creators have hijacked our boys, neurobiologists, because they've made these levels and they've made these worlds where they have -

37:55Lewis Howes:Imaginary conquering, I guess. And they have brotherhood. Yeah, virtual. Virtual brotherhood for virtual challenges, for fake achievement. But that real energy that's suppressed and coiled in the body has nowhere to go. So then he will pick up that AK-47 and go shoot up a scoole. I'm just saying. It has to go somewhere. It's so funny. I saw this video maybe a few months ago of a father in a car talking to his son who was like, I don't know, 13 or something. And he said, you know what punishment used to be when I was growing up in the 80s or 90s or whatever? He said, being in my room and not being allowed to go outside was punishment.

38:37Lewis Howes:because all we wanted to do was go outside and play with our friends. And he goes, really? He goes, I like being in my room and just being on video games. Like I could just be on my video game in my room all day forever. But look what's happened. The outside elements of nature where you're free, you're taking risks, your body is being tested, you're with other children, you are playing in real time and learning skills, competence, hierarchy, dominance for boys, so important. all that is being replaced by a digital algorithm that is keeping the boy feeling all that physical energy is being suppressed and he's mentally engaging but that does nothing for him yeah it gives him this addictive dopamine but not natural dopamine and now he's addicted to that synthetic dopamine but his body has all this testosterone and nowhere to take it so boys are shutting down and then comes porn and then comes the manosphere ready to sweep in you know the minute an 11 year old boy logs on the manosphere content comes to the boy not to the girl but to the boy without him realizing he's being told how to have a square jaw and big biceps and how to get a girl and how girls are actually the problem and how if he's rejected it's not because of him is because of the girl.

40:02So look how brilliantly architected they give the boy a channel to displace all their frustration. So the boy who's not going out to the playground where he's being tested by other boys, where he's being challenged, where he has to deal with rejection and failure. Now he's in the video game matrix, barely being tested because the video game keeps him successful. It keeps him going, keep winning a little bit at least, challenging enough, but winning, it's artificial. It's not real skill. And then the manosphere is telling him all this pent up energy, you know, you have a right to go and get women.

40:43And if they don't accept you, even though you've learned no skills, you've been sitting in this chair, when they don't accept you, it's because they are being evil. They are the problem. So our young boys are getting a completely artificial view and they're lost. Our boys are lost. So in my book, I think this book Raising Conscious Sons is so on point for today because we are making boys feel so ashamed on one hand of their emotions. And on another hand, we give them this caricature of masculinity with big biceps, Popeye style. and they're like, okay, I can't be soft or I have to be so crazy hard.

41:30I don't know who to be in between that. So we're telling boys what not to do, but we're not showing them what conscious masculinity could look like. Wow. So here I give them a blueprint.

41:40Lewis Howes:That's powerful. I don't want to miss what you said about the girls thing. You said there was, I think, three main things. First, never call girls' emotions dramatic. Second thing you said, they need physical connection. and presence. Was there a third thing for women, for girls? Well, I think the most important thing after that would be to be so careful about how you may inadvertently sexualize as a male figure other women. What does that mean? Because they are picking up how males look at them. They're picking up cues. You know, as a human. So as a father, you have a unique opportunity in how you look at women and how you talk about women's bodies and how you comment on hair and appearance, especially with your wife, and how you devote your bounty toward their mother will deeply affect their sense of self.

42:48So you play a pivotal role in your daughter's self-esteem and self-worth and how she views herself in her body.

42:56Lewis Howes:Would you say that the father is the main person of a daughter that determines their self-worth? Is a primary one, is a primary architect. It would be good if you don't mess that up. But if you're not there, it can be any male figure. Right. But of course we want the biological father. But if they're not capable, not able. I mean, the father figure, I mean, yeah. The father figure, yeah. That's what I mean. Yes. The damage a father figure can cause to a girl is insurmountable, but even to a boy. Oh, sure. Of course. Boys need the conscious masculine blueprint. Yeah. So desperately. So basically, we need more conscious men.

43:37Yes. And women. Yes.

43:38Lewis Howes:Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard that how a father treats the mother is one of the best predictors of success of how children end up in relationships. Yeah, it's powerful. Really? Because you can be the antidote to the misogyny of the culture. And if you leave it to culture to teach boys and girls how men and women interact, there's going to be just the perpetuation of oppression. But you have a unique opportunity to undo that through the modeling, whether you, not you, but whether the father and mother stay together or not is not the point. The point is, how does the man revere and respect the unique role of his children's mother?

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46:20Yeah, yeah, I love it.

46:22Lewis Howes:I'm asking for a friend. So I think a father, the most powerful thing a father can do is understand his own shadow, the parts of him that he has been culturally and historically taught to repress. his anger, his sexuality, his judgment, his misogyny, his racism, especially if he's a white male who's been dominant or his privilege, uncover and unpack that because there is so much that an unintegrated adult privileged male, the damage that male can do without realizing it, you know, especially a white male who's of privilege, you have the capacity to break. I mean, I'm not putting all this on you, but your position has so much healing potential because it's caused so much harm in the world.

47:22So you get to undo that. Talk about brown people. Talk about women. Talk about sexuality and how women are objectified. Bring it to the table. Teach your son to what conscious restraint means. what conscious sexuality means. Initiate your boy to handle his business in a conscious way without shaming the boy. Initiate your boy into his manhood with beauty and celebration, but also with boundaries and restraint. Teach him to respect when a girl says no, there is no ambiguity. Teach him to wait for the yes. Teach him what respect means around on women's bodies, right? So you can show all this and you can teach your daughter how to not objectify herself.

48:09Lewis Howes:That's the thing I think I'm most worried about or concerned about is ensuring that my daughters protect their bodies. You know what I mean? And like making sure that they really value their bodies. I think that's the thing I'm probably most, I don't know, afraid of, but just worried about with all the influences that they're going to experience from society, friends, online stuff, whatever it might be. How can I, as a father, set my daughters up the best way possible to ensure they protect their bodies and their self-worth around their bodies? Yes. Yes. We are in an era of artificial female empowerment where OnlyFans, as a symbol, is seen as sexual empowerment and emancipation.

48:59How damaging is that? How damaging? Because it's really patriarchy again. The toxic patriarchy. Isn't that interesting? Again.

49:05Lewis Howes:But what, so how damaging is OnlyFans mentality and culture? For the girl. For the girl. For the girl who is the OnlyFans. Yeah, how damaging is that? Who thinks she's so empowered. How damaging is that? Yes, because she now makes money at 10x. So she thinks she's empowered. Now, I'm not saying it's not great to have money like that. And all power to you. What does that do for the psychology of a woman? But she's not understanding that she's still earning her money through her own objectification and handing it to the male. So then at least just know that that's what you're doing. Don't pretend you're not doing exactly what you're upset that the toxic patriarchy does.

49:44Lewis Howes:A lot of women, I'm glad you're saying this, but a lot of women aren't going to like what you're saying. I know that. Yeah. But it's true. Yeah. I'm not saying don't do it, but know what you're doing. You are objectifying your own body, handing it to the toxic patriarchy, and then upset with the toxic patriarchy when the toxic patriarchy objectifies you. Yes. That's all I'm saying. Then don't be upset. Because you are participating readily and making money off it at your own objectification. So own it then. Go, I am working with the toxic patriarchy toward my own objectification. That's not going to heal the world.

50:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But this is what our daughters are watching, right? I have so many 22-year-olds who come to me and go, they want to be on OnlyFans.

50:26Lewis Howes:What is the statistic of women on OnlyFans? Do we know how many? I mean, it is more than you want to. Between 20 and 30, I think it's appalling numbers. I don't have the exact statistic because people won't say. Between women in their 20s and 30s. Yes, it is a thing. It's an aspiration to do. And you know how many married, white, American, married, married, married men are on OnlyFans? They're the highest population. I mean, there's no one spending the money. Yes, yeah, because they have the money, yeah. I mean, my wife has access to my phone, so she knows. I'm not on there, but I could see how addictive it could be.

50:58Lewis Howes:I could see how addictive it could be. But let's go below, let's go beneath it. Let's go beneath what's happening, right? It's one thing to judge it. Of course. But it's another thing to understand it. It could be so addictive. Let's understand it, right? Why is it addictive, right? It's addictive for the same reason a video game is addictive. It provides instant dopamine, no rejection, no failure. There's no failure in porn. So our sons are watching girls bending over, making sounds, always willing. There's no foreplay. There's no skill. So our boys are thinking, what's wrong with you? You're supposed to act like that, you know, and always want me.

51:35So this is why it's addictive. It's addictive because it creates this psychologically comfortable world, which is a simulation of reality. If I pay my OnlyFans friend, how much? I don't even know,$50 a month. She will do anything for me that my wife gives me trouble for because I didn't clean the dishes. Now I have to deal with reality. I don't want to deal with reality. So there's a mass exodus from reality. You know, in traditional prostitution, I'm just saying, we're not going down there, but there was at least a human being. This is a screen and soon it'll be robots. So what does that do? It takes away real life failure, real life friction, real life skill building, resilience, grit.

52:18It creates entitlement. It creates apathy, restlessness, boredom. And where does all this energy go? Right? It is going to explode in perversion. And we are seeing that.

52:31Lewis Howes:Wow. Yeah. I mean, again, everyone's making their own choices. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past. So I'm not here to judge anyone who's either paying for it or getting paid for this. But on a psychological and emotional level, if a girl in her late teens, 20s or 30s is going on any platform to receive money for their body, sexually, you know, nudity, things like that, what is that doing to them psychologically and emotionally or spiritually? And how does that affect them in real world intimacy and relationships? Well, they are fully participating at the level of transaction. And they need to understand that they're not transacting computational skills or medical skills for money.

53:19They are transacting their body. It's another form of barter and exchange. No judgment, but they need to know what they're doing. And when you do it over and over, when it is your actual body, right? It's not a skill. It's my body. And for a female, it's a penetration. It's a lot of physical interaction. At some level, there has to be a dissociation to survive it, right?

53:47Lewis Howes:Even if it's not a physical transaction, but a more OnlyFans transaction. Correct. Even if it's only on virtual. But many times it blurs, right? Yeah, I'm sure it does. Yes. Because you have to produce content, right? Right, right. With someone else. With someone else. Lewis, yes. I'm just thinking of a woman just getting naked or something. No, no, no. There's action, a lot of action and variety. And so that woman has to dissociate on some level. And it does have its own cost. But again, we can't judge it. We have to understand it, right? We don't want to put anybody down. No. It's up to them to figure out what works for them.

54:23Lewis Howes:But I guess what's the consequence then in intimacy in real world relationships when someone does that year after year? Yeah, we don't know, but it is bound to have an effect, right? What the effect is, I don't think it's positive. But hey, you know, after 10 years of doing it, it could be like, I'm so fed up with this. I want real intimacy. So we can't say that how the person will evolve and turn it around. But in that moment, to be an object of desire for money over and over and over is bound to come at the price of connection. What if women watching or listening is thinking, you know what? You know, I'm doing this and I'm making generational wealth.

55:10Lewis Howes:And it's freed me from having to go get a job that I would be working so hard to make any money. And it's given me freedom and flexibility. And it's my body. I can do whatever I want. And so it's given me this life that I could never have doing any other job. What would you say to a woman who says that to you? I would say if that's your conscious choice and you're clear that it's a transaction and you're willing to pay the price of extreme objectification, no one can stop you. But do not think it is liberation and sexual female emancipation. You are playing into the oldest game in the world. Really?

55:53And do it with consciousness. No other woman should judge them, but they have to figure it out for themselves. But don't call it sexual liberation when you're playing the same notes of female-male dynamics.

56:07Lewis Howes:Why is it not sexual liberation when so many women are saying that? Only because it comes at the cost of that transaction. Meaning it's not you on your own. It's not your autonomous sovereign. You won't do it for a dollar. You're doing it for the$50. You're doing it for the$500. So it's the transaction. It's when you exchange for money. Right. It's not sexual liberation because that's my authentic truth. Come, I want to do it in the park. That is autonomous sexual sovereignty. This is clearly transactional. So as long as you know that it is for the money, I won't do it for$2. I'll do it for 2 million.

56:44Yeah. No, so that's not sexual emancipation. That's very good business savvy.

56:50Lewis Howes:Right. Right. I'm trading my body for money, but it has to have a price. Of course. There's a price. Yes. And that's okay as long as you know it, but don't call it you're doing it because you're sexually liberated. No, you're doing it because you figured out the formula. I mean, let's take it down the next path. for women or men getting involved in selling themselves for money, their bodies for money, whether it be them interacting on videos or them just doing it solo and selling themselves, they're selling a body for money. And then they have kids and their kids grow up knowing that mom or dad does this.

57:30Lewis Howes:How does that affect the psychology or the emotions of the children of parents who sell themselves for their body? I think the parents have to create a very clear narrative. They can't leave it to the imagination of the child or culture. You must express your purpose behind it. When I leave my house to go on a job, which takes me away for two weeks, I have to explain it. I have to have a narrative. I have to have a mission. I have to have a coherence. So however the parent needs to do that, Hey, I did this because I want to create generational wealth. Hey, I did this because that's all I know how to do.

58:08Have a narrative that allows your child to understand your personal impetus, your personal motivation. So you don't leave it to their imagination because it's too much.

58:21Lewis Howes:Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. And you don't want them to necessarily feel that that's the quickest, best way to do things, right? So if you over glamorize it or if you, you know, you have to allow the child to understand your motivation, but they have other choices. What if someone's like, you know what, it's between making, you know,$7 an hour and giving my whole life to this other thing or being financially free? I said all power to you. Just know that you're doing it for the transaction. You're earning money this way, which happens to be a way that falls into what you complain about the patriarchy will do to your daughter.

58:55Just know that. yeah that's a challenge i mean the more you talk about these things the more i'm worried about my

59:04Lewis Howes:daughters in society and i'm curious like i feel like i have a pretty good game plan you know like so far but i'm sure things are going to throw me off i i'm sure yeah and it's being prepared for the unexpected is what i'm also trying to prepare for yeah you know like i can have my plans saying that god laughs at the most exactly right especially of the parent exactly and i'm sure that, you know, stuff's going to be thrown my way. If you could coach me and give me advice or any parent who's got young daughters. So what would you have me do in the first few years of life to try to set myself up for the best possible environment, scenario, so that they can thrive into coming home to their true self, which is what I think you said being a parent is about, is getting your kids to come home to who they truly are.

59:53Yeah, yeah. It's very easy and very difficult. Okay, so the easy part is you have to be safe, you have to light up, you have to connect, you have to be attuned, you have to be there. It's easy. the difficult part is you have to ensure with intentionality that you are not attaching to their doing so if they're dancing well and you're like oh my god you're such a good dancer and then she sees daddy light up because she's a good dancer she's going to inch towards that approval you have to that's the difficult part so how do you how do you navigate it to

1:00:35Lewis Howes:celebrating them without emphasizing on the task of celebration. Really hard. It's a decision you make that for the first seven to eight years, this is just a formula. I'm not telling people. It's just a way of looking at it. For the first seven to eight years, I am not going to focus on the doing. I'm just not. Even though she's showing promise of being a world-class skier or tambourine player or salsa dancer, right? Like you I am not going to emphasize the doing. I'm going to stay unimpressed. That neutral? Unimpressed. Really? No, lovely. You can clap and laugh, but you're not pushing it. You're not like, ah.

1:01:17And then taking them for professional singing classes and then enrolling them in baseball. You're not pushing it. Because that's not the focus. The focus right now is just exposure and range and play and being in their body.

1:01:32Lewis Howes:First seven, eight years. Yeah. Yeah. Eight years, then you drive them into success. But here's the thing. Yeah. Look what happens when you take a kid who is playing with sticks and stones in the park. Yes. And is really good with sticks and stones. Like they can make forts. They can play baseball. They are hitting the goal with sticks and stones. Yes. Now you put that kid into regimented baseball with a coach. Do you see the difference between him being in his body in the sticks and stones and then being on the field? it's he's now performing yes he's not playing pressure now yeah so this earlier and earlier advent of movement from play to performance a child's natural being to performance is the fracture but no one wants to wait till eight because by then everyone's already at carnegie hall and playing baseball yes i say the story of when i took my daughter at age eight for dance class.

1:02:30Okay, Louis. I thought I'm so advanced because in India there was nothing. So I'm thinking I'm super advanced. Eight years old. I'm taking her to the local dance studio. Okay. The woman looks at me and I'm very intimidated because this is such an American thing. And she says, oh, okay. Your daughter's eight. Okay, good, good, good. We'll put her with the two-year-olds. So I said, no, no, no.

1:02:51Lewis Howes:She's eight. My daughter's eight. She's like, sweetheart, nobody learns dance at eight. So I went, where was the memo? She said, no, they're already very advanced by eight. So she can only learn dancing with the two-year-olds. Yes. So I had to enroll her in solo activities like tennis and horse riding because I was so behind the curve. And I did not know this. Like parents are on the money. They are on it. It's a profession. Parenthood has become a profession. And parents take it very seriously. If you look at the football little league and the baseball little league. And they're probably doing it from like the idea of like, I want my kids to have the best opportunity, right?

1:03:34Lewis Howes:I want them to have the best opportunity to succeed in life. But are we creating an athlete, right? We are. Are we creating the Ivy League student? Yes, we are. We're not raising children. We are raising an adult, but we're not raising an adult. We're raising a child. And children need to be in their body and play. And play is a child's work. And the minute you take them out of play and make them actually work, you've actually short-circuited their natural development and taken them out of connection with their body into the doing space. This podcast is supported by Ring. With Ring, it's protected.

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1:05:21Lewis Howes:Watch it all, but don't spoil it. Tell your friends to get My Entertainment 2 for$34.99 a month. Go to directtv.com slash genre packs and sign up today. New customers only. Service renews monthly unless canceled. Credit card required. Conditions apply to apps. HBO Max Basic with ads begins after Direct TV five-day trial. Learn more at directtv.com. Restrictions apply. what about helping with like you know picking up after your toys or like chores or whatever like that's not work then it's like that's helpful work but also you don't have to flip the hell out you know it's not of course they're contributing they're part of a system but you don't have to go crazy either the house does will not be clean and just accept it yeah yeah but i mean like taking them out of play and having them still have to do some of course They have to still brush their teeth, but everything through play.

1:06:13If you can do everything through play, you will have success. But play takes presence from the parent. It's much easier to say, I'll punish you. Go do it yourself. Go do it now versus saying, let's make a game out of it. I had a mother come to me recently with, I think, three or four boys. And she was haggard. She was like, I'm about to shoot myself. Help me. So I go, OK, you were waiting for the girl, weren't you? She was like, yes. She said, I'm not taking the risk of another child. Because you got four boys, right? And I told her that if you don't make every activity some sort of adventure or hurdle or scavenger, challenge, you will be fighting them.

1:06:53Because all that physical energy before they brush their teeth needs to tumble and search and hunt and look, send them into the garden to look for the toothpaste, to look for the toothbrush, to look for an adventure. exhaust them or play with them, make it a competition, make it something that speaks to the boy's energy. But our boys are being wildly domesticated and their testosterone cannot be harnessed. And we want our boys to sit in circle with like the girls.

1:07:25Lewis Howes:And sit still for eight hours. It's not possible. This is not possible. So our education system is anti-male neurochemistry. Yeah, I feel like it really, I suffered because of the system. Yes. You know, it's like I don't blame people. That is not how you should have learned. No. You learn through your body. Yes. Most children learn through their bodies, especially boys who are all body, right? Boys are bottom up. Girls are top down. And that's why girls can sit and be coordinated much earlier. And their executive functioning turns on much earlier. So one in five boys, I think, are diagnosed with ADHD.

1:08:02and then the pipeline to medication, then the pipeline to diagnoses, then the pipeline to always feeling lesser than and not good enough starts early.

1:08:13Lewis Howes:So up until eight, play, play, play. What's the next phase? 12. Eight to 12. No, I'm saying to 12. No, you can't do it. Okay, no, no, I'm teasing. At least till eight. At least till eight, but keep going as long as you can. Because what are we trying to create here? Are you trying to create an Olympian? read the bio histories of every Olympian they'll have some deep depression or drug abuse I mean do I have to say about Tiger Woods and the price you know all these superstars have paid so what are we trying to do here you want to be a parent of an Olympian you want to be the parent of a superstar so you didn't just become a parent not you but the average parent is not just becoming a parent they're becoming a they want to be a parent of a superstar performer to a performer even though all their life they hated performing and see the ravaging effects of it but we repeat the cycle so play play play is there that next season of life though that we should be thinking about then you need to be aware that your daughter is entering pre-adolescence and her hormones are going to turn on she's going to be more acutely sensitive to nuance to body language to eye contact to rejection rejection will feel physical to her so how can i as a father teach her teach her yes to about yes that season of life to not give in to any man to like make sure she really protects herself, creates boundaries, says no.

1:09:45So I talk about these pillars in my book.

1:09:48Lewis Howes:Okay. And the most important pillars for a girl, and I'll just run through them fast. The first one is the pillar of voice, voice, allowing a girl to know she has a right to her inner voice. That means you don't give her answers. You teach her to tune into what her body is saying. You don't tell her, eat your food. You ask her, what is your body saying? When does your body want to eat? You teach her that her inner knowing is there. We're going to cultivate it. At two years old, it looks like you want fried egg or you want scrambled egg. You want yellow shoes or blue shoes. Very simple. But she begins to learn that she has an inner voice and her parents want her to actualize it.

1:10:35The next one is embodiment. the pillar of embodiment, which means she must learn body integrity and that her body belongs to her. So whether grandma wants to kiss her, whether daddy wants to tickle her, if she says no, her body belongs to her. Right. And this ties into boundaries, right? Conscious boundaries, where she needs to understand that she is a finite being with finite energy and she can displease others. So this is where boundaries comes in.

1:11:09Lewis Howes:So to ask you to follow up there, I know one of the main things you talked about was

1:11:16Lewis Howes:girls need physical connection and presence. So as a father, at this moment, there's six months, I'm hugging them, I'm kissing them. It's like I'm there with them. How do I make sure that I don't cross a boundary as a father so that my daughters feel safe with me, but also communicating them what's safe with others. It's about how much you're listening, how much you're allowing them to listen to their inner voice. So before jumping in with an answer, you're listening. What do you feel? How do you feel? Talk to me. You know, what's one of your daughter's names? Aliana. Aliana. Aliana asks daddy, you know, daddy, what should I eat?

1:11:55And you can so easily say what to eat, but you say, hmm, what does Aliana want? And she goes, I don't know. So you said, look inside, what does little Aliana want? And you teach her the skills through your presence. You can only do it if you're present. You can only do it if you're not in a hurry. Because if you're in a hurry, you're like, eat the beans.

1:12:13Lewis Howes:But I guess more on like the physical touch side of things, physical connection. Yeah. You can, you know, as she grows older, you can knock on her door. You can say, you know, I want to hug you. Can I, you know? Okay. Or what age is that? I guess. Six or seven, you know, as you'll see, you'll see. Okay. And with this new generation, it could be four or five because they're so smart. They're so clever. Like my daughter will tell me, and she's 23, but she would say things like, I do not want your advice or opinion. I'm just telling you because I respect you. Like stay in your lane. So things like that.

1:12:51That means so voice embodiment, enoughness, that she is enough as she is, right? That's the whole human being. You don't have to do anything. You don't need to be a superstar to make me happy. You don't need to be a perfectionist to make me happy. You are a work in progress and I accept you as you are. The more mistakes you make, the more I accept you. You are free and safe, right? Giving that feeling of, oh my goodness, we made a mistake. Oh, you know, and here's daddy making a mistake, showing that you are enough. We talked about boundaries that she's allowed to say no to you. If a father allows a daughter to rebel against him, no daddy, and the father goes, wow, I like that you use your voice.

1:13:38You have now given her a prototype on how to handle the patriarchy. Oh, that's good. Yes.

1:13:43Lewis Howes:As opposed to what do some fathers do to daughters when they rebel against them. Yeah. Maybe they can say something like, you're being irrational. You're being stupid. That's not smart. No. The fact that she's pushing against you, even if it's a bad decision, the act and exercise of regulating and activating that muscle of daring to speak up to a six foot plus father. She's bold now. Right. You know, and the mother can empower her. And how the mother talks to you, that the mother is not scared of the father. And the father backs off. Not capitulate, but backs off. you are now teaching her that that strength doesn't mean that i have to you know give my power away strength means i can share power right you as a male can share power you're not giving it away but you're not holding it you're not dominant and and tyrannical you're sharing power when you allow your seven-year-old to say no daddy i don't like when you do that and you go tell me more I want to hear.

1:14:49I'm interested in knowing how I did wrong. Now she's going, wow, I can tell a male to back off me. But how will she learn to tell her male boss to back off her? So she practices with you. And then I have other pillars I talk about just quickly. I talk about her having anti-fragility. So anti-fragility means that this is more something I see women do, mothers do, rushing in to fix and rescue.

1:15:20Lewis Howes:A lot of moms do this? Typically, but you may do it too. You may have a hard time saying no to your daughter. So you rush in to say yes. This is my number one problem is I just rescue. You do. I do. This has been my biggest nemesis to get over is to like, oh, I could not just give the answer. You know, it's been really hard. I've had to train myself and she can manipulate me. But I know that this is my nemesis. I know what it is. It's on the blackboard, you know. But anti-fragility means not rushing to rescue. Doesn't mean you create chaos, but you pause and have confidence that your child is competent, even at two.

1:16:03Wow. So you wait, you let them struggle with the cap and you let them spill the milk.

1:16:08Lewis Howes:them cry within reason yeah yeah not for hours no no no you'll know when the child's nervous system is overwhelmed you will know but you know when it's the fake wait a little bit a little bit slowly and i'm not saying let them cry it out i'm not talking about letting them get to overwhelm but let them let them struggle a little bit and when they struggle see it as you're building skills, you know? So in my divorce, one of the hardest things for me as a mother was that my daughter struggled. I would have undone the divorce merit because I couldn't take it. My guilt, my projection, actually she struggled way less than I struggled because my projection of her struggle, because I couldn't take myself as a struggle giver, right?

1:17:01I can't.

1:17:02Lewis Howes:I caused you to struggle. Even though I didn't, and it wasn't only me. But I had to really learn to see the strength it gave her, right? And that she did develop muscles that have made her so powerful. I'm not saying everyone should do this to their children, but there is beauty in the struggle. Competence grows from struggle. You have to practice struggle, you know? And that's so hard for parents who fix, who are very empathic like me. It's hard for me. But in this generation, because everything is at the fingertips, Uber Eats, you know, our children will complain. You'll see that the Uber Eats driver messed up the delivery.

1:17:45Yes. And you're like, are you kidding me? Right. Or Amazon sent the wrong delivery in six hours. Right. Right.

1:17:52Lewis Howes:Right. So they have no resilience for things going wrong. The world is becoming more and more at their fingertips. so they wait less for buses, cars, for life. They don't wait anymore. They're not bored, so they don't activate their own skills and creativity and imagination. They don't need to be creative. Now they can just go into ChatGPT. Why be creative? Why write a poem when ChatGPT can write a better poem? So look at the effects on their own skills. So this is creating apathy and listlessness in our children. And literally our children are collapsing because they have no skills. They don't know how to talk to people.

1:18:29I had a 24-year-old come to me looking for a job. So I said, oh, tell me what you've done. She said, well, I sent my resume everywhere. I said, what else? She said, I sent it, no, like to 75 places. And? And? I said, you didn't go to the places? You didn't go in person? She's like, go in person? I said, yes, you don't leave. You make sure you make contact. Did you serve? Did you volunteer? Did you work for free? They're like, work for free? My daughter just got an internship. She's complaining constantly. Can you believe they're not paying me? I go, why would they pay you? You're just starting out.

1:19:07Lewis Howes:You don't have any skills yet. But they have entitlement because they've seen influencers making$200 ,000 at 18. They've seen influencers flying in private jets. So they're thinking this is the world. But our children have a distorted, your daughters will have a completely distorted reality. And when they go to get their first job and people look at them and go, we're going to start at$6 an hour, given that we'll have an economy, they will be aghast. And also you are raising them in reaction to your childhood. So you're giving them the world. I've created a life for myself now that I didn't have.

1:19:43Lewis Howes:and how do you communicate to parents who have created abundance? Yes. To not give their kids abundance, but to teach them how to appreciate the abundance they have and how to go create it for themselves. And not take it for granted. How do you teach that? And not be entitled. And not spoil them too much. How do you teach that? You have to constantly remind your children this is something that mom and dad worked for and this comes with a lot of effort and let them see the effort, you know, see that this is what it takes. And then whenever you can, ask them to start earning something, you know, contributing.

1:20:23It's extremely hard because we have overcorrected from our past. We've gone the other way.

1:20:29Lewis Howes:You shouldn't give them everything that you didn't have. But our lifestyle gives them everything. It's true. The exposure, it's already inbuilt. So it's not about not living a beautiful, abundant life. it's just constantly bringing to their awareness that this came at a huge cost that you haven't seen and really educating them travel right is a great way go to india go to app if you can since you have that well show them as much exposure to contrast to friction and create friction in their life a little bit like a little friction is okay yeah like let them cry a little bit. Let them deal with finding resilience.

1:21:10We just give them the answer so they're not finding resilience. So you have to let them struggle. So if your child is struggling, oh my goodness, my sister, you have twins, they'll fight over clothes. My sister took the clothes, let them have the, let them duke it out. Like let them feel the pain of that or the AC isn't working, you know what the hell let them sit in that a bit you know sweat create friction because we have so anesthetized the world there is no friction you know even we can't handle friction how long can you wait for an uber before losing it right because we've lost the ability to have delayed gratification and that creates weakness.

1:21:56We are weaker mentally. We are unstable. Too much abundance and privilege and padding has made us fragile.

1:22:07Lewis Howes:And so anti-fragility was the fifth pillar. Was there another one? There's two more. There's sovereignty and sisterhood. Sovereignty is connected to what we've been talking about, but it's really about self-authorship. They get to decide their greatness. You cannot project it onto your child. So greatness could be a cobbler, greatness could be a superstar, greatness could be a chef, greatness could be a mom. So as long as they understand that it comes with consequences, as everything does, they are the authors of their life. And then the last one is sisterhood, which you will see with your, you literally have a sisterhood.

1:22:52Lewis Howes:Hopefully they create a healthy sisterhood. Yeah, so because the toxic patriarchy has divided and ruled, women compete with each other. We want to - Because of men, women compete? Well, because of the system. Okay. The system has taken so much power away from us and taken all the power into the male, now we are left scrambling and we've lost connectivity, right? So we want to be the chosen. We want to be the best. We want to be picked. And we're seeing each other as a threat. This is inbuilt in the post-industrial era. And we have to teach us girls that their greatest allies are not the lover, the male lover, not the male.

1:23:40And I'm not saying anti-male, but just become more pro-female. You have sisters. And cultivating that is important. So how the mother does that, how the mother has friends, how the father reveres women and nurtures the sisterhood.

1:23:57Lewis Howes:Not in a sexual way. No, no, no, no, no. As connections is going to be vital for your children. Women and girls and daughters need our sisters. Without competition. And men need, and boys need their brotherhood. And boys don't have their brotherhood. Let me tell you a quick story about boys. I had a group of mothers come to me. It fascinated me to no end. Their sons were between 12 and 14. The boys were disappearing at night, sneaking out of the house together. Yeah, together. And forming like a club. And roaming the streets. That's kind of cool. In the subway. Right. As long as they're not doing something illegal, but yeah.

1:24:44Creating their own band.

1:24:45Lewis Howes:That's kind of cool. Of soldiers. Yeah. Their brotherhood. Yeah. And the mothers were losing it. I think it's cool. And most, because it was dangerous. It was in subways. I see. You know, and the mothers were mostly single mothers. Oh, yeah. And because these boys were not being initiated by a brotherhood of elderly men, of brothers, of fathers, of uncles, they were left to find it for themselves. And this is the formation of gangs and cults. I see what you're saying. Boys need strong men in front of them to transmit the wisdom of initiation. What happens if a single mom raises boys and they don't have a father figure in their house?

1:25:29Lewis Howes:For whatever reason, they don't have a father figure and they only have a single mom that they haven't introduced to an uncle or a brother or some other father figure. of some good intention. What happens to the young boy typically? Yeah. So what I've seen in the cases I've worked with, several things, very important. And again, parents are not going to like what I'm saying, but it's kind of a pattern. The single mother usually comes with her own grief and trauma at the hands of male anger and violence. She's been betrayed. She's been hurt. She's been abandoned. She's bitter. she's weathered many storms of male violence and anger right one in five girls are sexually molested by a male by the age of 12 yeah i was many times by the age of 12 so we're carrying legacies in our body right now we we raise these sons at some level i have it toward my daughter there is a projection and i project onto my wild boy who's just being a boy he's goofy he's silly Maybe he's masturbating in bed.

1:26:38He doesn't know. He doesn't know what to do with his body and no one is showing him. She's seeing this as a threat. I've seen so many single mothers clamp boy's energy and project without meaning to. So much rage. Like you will not talk to me like that. You will not be one more male who perpetrates me. Now that boy is just being a boy and needs containment and needs help to channel his wild physical self. He doesn't need punishment, scorn, and then the mother disconnects. Shame. So that's a common thing. Then that mother is at a loss. She's like, what do I do with this boy? You know, he's masturbating every day.

1:27:21I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know what's going on with him. He's looking at porn. He's looking at girls. He's touching my breasts. Whatever it is, all this sexual energy she's threatened by and it's not her place. She doesn't know how to talk to him. Then she's exhausted. She's tired. And this energy is and she's raising him in a city and no dual income. And she's exhausted. He's exhausted. She's exhausted. They're clashing. I then tell those mothers, I'm so sorry. You have a lot of power and you're doing amazing and your presence is important. But you need help. so enroll in the boys and girls club big brothers and big sister find him a big brother find him an uncle who is wise and willing to initiate him who can talk to him about his wet dreams and his his body and what to do with all these impulses find help you know and that's why male elderly males would and scott galloway talks about this like adopter boy because boys are growing up uninitiated, unmentored.

1:28:27And unmentored boys will get mentored by porn and the manosphere. And it's not the mother's fault. And I don't mean to make it so gendered, but, you know, can you talk to a girl about her menstruation? You can't because you've not been through that. So in the same way, and of course, mothers are doing an amazing job, but there's some things a boy will respond to from his own biological.

1:28:50Lewis Howes:What is the differences between an initiation from boyhood to manhood and an initiation from girlhood to womanhood? Yeah. Both of them are marked by a surge of hormones, which means it feels out of control. It feels scary for the boy and the girl. The girl is growing breasts. She feels, you know, she's got all this weight on her. She's curvy. She's getting all this attention. I remember at 11 in India, you know, all this attention. And I'm like, I'm just a little girl. And my mother didn't fully know how to initiate me. Right. When I got my first period, I thought I was dying. Right. I thought like either I had diarrhea attack with blood or I'm dying because no one told me.

1:29:38No one told you? No, because I was too young. I mean, no excuse. Yeah. I prepared my daughter from the age of seven because I'm like, I'm taking no chance. No, but there's no harm.

1:29:47Lewis Howes:Yeah. Because we don't know. It's puberty is younger and younger. So I felt out of control. I felt embarrassed. I wanted to tape my breasts. I was growing too fast, too sexy, too this, too much attention. Nobody gave me the words. Even though my mother was so lovely, she didn't give me the words for it. You're going to get male attention. You will be groped by men after every day I got groped. Nobody talked to me about it. I figured it out myself and protected myself. I never spoke to it about it to anybody. Yeah. Every day it was a battle on the streets of India. Yes. Grope, pushed, pulled, pinched.

1:30:24Most Indian women are. I just learned to survive. But I was prey and I wish somebody had told me to protect myself. Okay. To kick, scream, fight. So I taught my daughter young, you will kick, you will bite, you will scream, you will punish, you will do anything. You're not to be a good girl. So most girls are raised as good girls. so that's another thing you can teach your daughter. Don't say that or what?

1:30:49Lewis Howes:No. What should I say? You don't want a good girl. What or what? Stay away from that word. Don't say you're being a good girl? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Never say that? No, no, no, no, no, no. You're such a good girl. No, don't say that. No, no, no, no, no. What should I say instead? Just go, I want you to follow your heart. I don't want you to follow me. Follow your heart. What if they want to follow me? Yeah, yeah. But is it what you want? Okay. You're always taking her back to her voice because that's authenticity. you don't want of course we all want the good girl and the good boy but you try you try especially for the girl yeah because i grew up and most women i'm sure your wife too grew up with the mantle of good girl syndrome and being the parentified daughter i handled everybody's emotions in my family i was the emotional cheerleader the emotional blanket the emotional janitor i was my anything wrong go i was the one and most empathic caring girls so you don't want to claim that.

1:31:45Lewis Howes:How should I communicate if they do an action that I think is a good action? What do I respond to that action? That was so kind of you. But are you sure you're being kind to yourself too? Or that was so kind. I would like to do something kind for you. So we want kindness, but we don't want blanket compliance, obedience, civility. And what if it's around performance or like, oh, you did a good job of playing that song or singing that or dancing? Like, how do you respond or communicate? Yeah. Is it not around the job? Is it more around the effort? Yeah. How did it feel for you? Wow. You know, like I've learned to become intentional about saying even small things like I'm proud of you.

1:32:29I slip up, but I try to.

1:32:31Lewis Howes:Of course. To like, wow, that seems really hard to do. Like, was it hard? Or that's impressive. How did you feel about it? How did you feel about it? Try to not. Yeah, of course. Right? Yeah. But also when you don't attach to your own accolades and you're an ordinary human being at home, they'll realize that ordinary is okay. Yeah, of course. Right? If you're walking around narcissistically attached to your image, they'll pick up on that. If you have pictures of you everywhere, Lewis the Great, then they're going to pick up on that. They take my photos down. Yeah, winning all your trophies. Yeah, yeah.

1:33:05Maybe you want to put them away.

1:33:06Lewis Howes:Yeah, yeah, of course. So the good girl syndrome, the parentified daughter, these things all create in our daughters that sense of disconnection that they won't stay true to themselves. Really? Yeah. Because they learn they like the compliment more. My dad gets really happy when I'm extra nice and I give up my food for the sister. I get extra praise. Right. So you have to be careful. Yeah, because then they would abandon themselves from what they really want. Right. Or what they really wanted to say or do. Right. So you have to always try to keep them on track. So I guess it's teaching them how to be of service to other people and how to also contribute to society or your friends, your family, and be a giver.

1:33:55Yeah.

1:33:55Lewis Howes:But not overgive to get attention from someone. Right. Like every day, how did you serve your friends? But then you ask, how did you serve you? What is one thing you did for yourself today that made you and only you? What did you do for you? That's cool. Right. And then what did you do for others? Right. So we forget that part because we're so scared to create selfish children. But we then mistake that for a lack of sovereignty. We're trying to create sovereign children who understand that they have a place at the table, especially girls. Right. Girls need different messaging because we have been oppressed by the patriarchy so much that we feel unworthy unless we have the approval.

1:34:41Lewis Howes:Of men. Mostly men, but of the system. Oh, really? Yeah. And the system is manipulating us for our image. One of the most money-making industries is the cosmetic industry. It's a bazillion-dollar industry. I try to remind my wife, like, I like her without makeup. Yeah. almost every day yeah like i think you look better without makeup yeah and it's true i like i when i first met her she didn't have makeup on and i was like stay like this always i like this look you know and i'm not saying you can't have it and she's an actress so she wears makeup at times but i i really love natural beauty and i love the idea of not putting your value in appearance only I'm not saying you can't look good every day and you can have makeup, but make sure you don't have to have that to love and accept yourself.

1:35:34Lewis Howes:I think it's important. But just you saying that is so freeing for her because we've been given the image that we need to turn it up at all times. Otherwise, we will lose our partner's attraction. It's so interesting you say that because I posted a video this last weekend where I showed myself and Martha, you know, like in the morning walking outside and she wasn't wearing makeup. It was just for like a half, like a second maybe or I showed her. And some woman left a comment. I saw this in the comments. Some woman said, I'm amazed that she's not wearing makeup where for 25 years of my marriage, I'd never let my husband see me without makeup.

1:36:14And I thought to myself, that seems exhausting.

1:36:17Lewis Howes:Yeah. That sounds exhausting. I guess I see like, okay, you're trying to look good for your husband. Yeah. But it sounds exhausting for the woman to have to always be wearing makeup to feel she's turned on for the man or something. Yeah. You will have the biggest shock watching your daughters fall into the market. I don't want them to wear that stuff. You're going to have to understand when they fall into it because the tsunami of pressure a girl feels as young as seven and eight to belong. And because her sense of self comes from validation and approval, she will be in the system and used by the system to make money, to create this.

1:37:02To buy products. Yeah. Because it's a multi-bazillion dollar industry.

1:37:05Lewis Howes:How do I raise my daughters then to not buy into the system of makeup and beauty products? Well, a large part is how you are with your wife. So you telling her in front of them, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't put the lipstick. You look so much better without it, right? And she living that way, ordinary at home and going out, feeling proud of herself and reserving the real dress up for special. Yeah, work or like whatever, yeah. Yes. And not letting her children fall into the designer brands and the expensive clothes and keeping it toned down will at least delay it. It will not appease it.

1:37:42We all have fallen into it, me included till today. But I can watch it. I can pick what I want from it and play with it. But it will happen. It's an avalanche coming at your daughters about how she looks. How she looks will be more important to her or how others perceive her will be more important to her than how she perceives herself. And her intelligence, her talents, her success, her achievements, all of them will be drowned under the noise of how others perceive how she looks. Really? Yes. Gosh, this seems exhausting. But we have to have sensitivity for it and compassion for it and combat it.

1:38:21combat it with the antidotal message, which really comes from the mother and how the father treats the mother. Really? In terms of beauty and appearance. So if you're like, you know, your wife dresses up and she's all hot and you're like, whoa, whoa, let me take a picture. Now you put so much focus on that.

1:38:39Lewis Howes:But if she's in sweats and no makeup. You're like ignoring her. But imagine if you said, Oh, I love you like this. This is even better. Yes. I like that you haven't cared about your hair. I like that you're so brave to be natural beauty. If the words natural beauty are used in your house over and over and over again, you're going to do good. That's what I've been doing already. So I already do that. That's an amazing message. Natural beauty. I want your natural self, you know? So when your daughter gets ready for a dance competition and she gets all, you know, with glitter and baubles and you can say, wow, that's, that's really not even half as good as your natural beauty.

1:39:15instead of like, oh, you look so cute. Trying to be an adult, you know, and over-sexualized. You know, look at these competitions, these toddlers in tiaras. Look at these pageants. Look at these dance competitions. I mean, no knock, but it's an over-sexualization of our girls. Why do they need to dress up like that in these cute little outfits? Because it's an industry. It's commercial. So you will see, you know, I call it the parental-industrial complex. You are now part of it. things that will come to your children in the name of good parenting, you will begin feeling guilty because everyone in the neighborhood has signed up for the pageant and everyone in the neighborhood is going for the competition.

1:39:56And you're just, you're like, wow, childhood is the biggest money racketeering business because they know that the parent is so vulnerable because you have such a big ego. They know we have such a big ego. So they're like, oh, let me start putting out studies that children who don't play 14 languages are not going to get into an Ivy League. Now all the parents are scrambling. Oh my God, they only know three languages or 14 instruments or go, go, go study abroad, right? Look at the application process to an Ivy League. You have to do pre, pre, pre, pre college courses called AP courses in eighth grade, money-making, right?

1:40:33You have to go and volunteer somewhere, money-making. So everyone's making money of the parents' vulnerability, then my kid will be left behind. So they play right into your ego because you don't want a kid to be left behind. You don't want an ordinary kid. Remember, we didn't have a kid for an ordinary kid. So from that moment on, you and your child are in the pipeline of the biggest money racketing business ever.

1:40:57Lewis Howes:Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. And then when your child comes to you and says, at 12, all my friends are having a Sephora party and the birthday is at Sephora. And give me your credit card. Daddy, please, I'll be the only one. Everyone is going. I was coming here to be inspired, but I feel like doomed now.

1:41:20That's why you have to read these books. I've given you the antidote because it is dismal. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but I don't just create the anxiety. I've given you some tools, but you have to apply the tools. But if you don't know the avalanche coming, how will you prepare? You've got to prepare for it.

1:41:36Lewis Howes:I mean, if you were having kids again today, you know, and new kids were coming into the world today. I know what I would do. What would you do? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Would you put them in public school, private school, homeschool? Would you, like, what would be the path for the next 16 years? If I had kids again. Yes. Okay, okay. Let's say you have kids, yes. Yeah, I had amnesia and I had kids again. You have kids born today. What do you do? Yeah. The ideal setup, okay? Ideally, I will try to homeschool. I will try to live in a community. I will try to live near as many conscious parents. I will join Dr.

1:42:17Shafari's Conscious Institute, read all the books. I will not give in to a phone till they are 21, which is insane. So I know that. But at least till they're older and bigger than me and they bully me out of it. I will create more simplicity in my own life so I am more present. I will not be afraid to create boundaries and create friction and allow them to struggle. I will not project my insecurities of greatness and wanting them to belong. I will be braver in allowing them to be against the matrix. I will be badass in teaching them to fight the system. I'd be more aware of how the system manipulates me.

1:43:11I wasn't aware. You know, when my daughter got the phone from me at 13, that was the first generation of children. We were the first guinea pig parents. I was like, here, take it. I thought I'm giving her candy. I did not know I was giving her crack.

1:43:26Lewis Howes:Wow. I was fooled. I was innocent. I was gullible. of her friends who had a phone. I thought I was a good parent. Yeah. I thought I was opening her to the world. How bad could it be? Once you give it for a year, it's almost impossible to take it away. And back then it wasn't sophisticated. Yeah. But now it's. Now it is. So we didn't know. We still knew like social media wasn't as addictive. Now it's like. Yeah. And I will understand that raising a child today takes learning the skills. I will not presume just because I meditate or just because I've taken a few psychology courses. I'm a conscious parent.

1:44:01I will have the humility to learn conscious parenting. I will learn it. I will go to school. I will get a degree in conscious parenting. I mean, it is a skill. I wish I could be a parent today all over with the skills I now have. I didn't have the skills because no one was teaching this as a skill-based mandate.

1:44:24Lewis Howes:For all parents. For all parents. Think about it, Louis. You could become a parent to two or three. Nobody would stop you. No one checks on your mental health. No. No license. No aftercare supervision. You have no supervision. No one's coming to check in on you. To make sure you're doing a good job. No one has asked you if you have drugs in the house. No one has asked you if you've taken a parenting course. How are you allowed to have a child? When my dog groomer has a license for six months to cut nails and cut hair. We don't have a license to be a parent. Nothing. There needs to be a mandate.

1:44:56Lewis Howes:There should be a course. A mandatory course. Why isn't there? Yes. children should not be released by the doctor back home until they do a course i'm not saying don't have children don't get you can get pregnant because people will say it's my body but then i will not release this child to you until i know you are yeah but then the state needs to take over the children because all of them will stay with the state and the state is no better i'm just saying yeah of course yeah in a perfect world having some type of education or training because you're not, no one's trained to be a parent unless you've modeled it from your parents.

1:45:30Lewis Howes:But then even then, you don't know what you're doing. But can I just say something? Look at the state of our world that we're not thinking about this. No. We're not thinking about this because somewhere in our holy books and because it's biological, we have preordained it to a destiny. Like it's my destiny to be a parent. So no one can tell me that is true, but we're not living with our tribes anymore where the elders could help us. Yes. I'm not living with my auntie who could tell me, listen, I know, you go away, I'll handle the toddler. Yeah, I'll watch them. I know how to manage your toddler.

1:46:03I've done this. Now that the poor 25-year-old or 35-year-old is alone with the twins, no skills, harried, exhausted, digitally overwhelmed, no one to help them. And the state or the government has not helped parents because children are not valued. Children are not protected. Louis, children are a business. They're commodified by the parent and by culture. Nobody treats sovereignty of the child as something real. I mean, you are seeing with all what's come out in the world of late where children are trafficked. And I'm sorry to talk about it, but it must be talked about. Children are being trafficked.

1:46:45Lewis Howes:Millions of kids. Right now. There are children being trafficked. Why? Because they're vulnerable. Vulnerable to whom? to the adult ego. And if we parents don't cry about it, why would the money makers cry about it? So we have to do it. But in our own home, we treat our children as objects, as puppets. The biggest sexual abuse happens in the home. But even forget sexual abuse, even just kissing grandma. I'm like, I'll just be happy if you can check that ego. Don't even force your kid to kiss grandma. I'm just talking about that level. Or don't push your kid to do something against the intrinsic.

1:47:28Lewis Howes:What feels good. What feels right. Like, ah, I don't want to do that. Right. But we bypass that and we do it because we were bypassed. So we live in a culture of constant bypassing of the authentic self and the sovereign self. So that's why I work with parents. Because if the parent is not awakened, there's no chance in hell. They will raise awakened children. There's no chance. But we need to not only talk about our own children, we need to talk about children systemically. What is happening in our world and how the toxic patriarchy, with the help of women, are sacrificing children. Those children are children of mothers who gave them away too.

1:48:14Lewis Howes:Oh my gosh. Yeah, we need to advocate for children. So the reason I wrote books eight and nine on parenting is because we need to wake up and do differently for our children. Well, this is coming at the perfect time for me. And I want everyone to get your books, Raising Conscious Daughters, Raising Conscious Sons. And you also have a program online. If they go to drshefali.com, you'll have information on Raising Conscious Daughters and Sons where they can get more training, courses, curriculum. which should be mandatory in my mind, or at least highly, you know, encouraged to go through and at least get the book for yourself, get it for a friend.

1:48:56Lewis Howes:If you have new parents in your life, friends in your life, give them a copy as well. It'd be a great gift. I can't think of the, a greater investment you can give in yourself as a parent to learn how to continue to heal, to invest in the relationship you have with your spouse and to invest in the relationship you're building with your kids. And so you're teaching all that in your books. And my podcast, if parents want to tune in, I work with parents every episode. So parents come with real life struggles and I help them. I try to stay away from the celebrity angle and just work with real average problems that parents suffer from.

1:49:40And I give them free advice. So that's for free, right? I have so many courses for free. I created an institute to train conscious parents because there is no school we can go to. So like you said, there is no greater investment.

1:49:54Lewis Howes:Yes. The institute, what is that? Is it an online program? Yes. It's a five-month journey I've created that teaches you to become a conscious parent and then help other parents. So I have a global movement now of over 1 ,500 coaches all over the world who are doing this work, not only in their own lives and breaking generational patterns, but also teaching other parents and taking this message out into the world. That's cool. I recommend that. Where can people get that? All on my website, yes. Podcast, courses, the books. Make sure you guys get a few copies. Social media, you're everywhere. Dr.

1:50:31Lewis Howes:Shefali as well. Here's a question for you. I've asked you, you've been at this your third time on the show, right? And I've asked you this question before about the three truths. I'm curious if you could share the three truths around parenting. With all your work and courses and institutes and podcasts, if you could only share three truths around how to be the best or the most conscious parent possible, what would those three truths be around parenting? What would those three things be? That your children are not your canvas, your puppet, your trinket, your trophy, your ambassador, your representation.

1:51:11Your children are here to live their own destiny as sovereign beings. And you are lucky that you get to usher them, number one. Number two, the best parenting and the best parent you can be is when you parent yourself. So conscious parenting is parenting yourself. so you don't put your garbage on your children.

1:51:32Lewis Howes:That's right. So you have to take that very seriously. If you choose to become a parent, make sure you know how to parent yourself. So go to courses, learn how to parent yourself because that's who you need to first parent. And then the third thing is do not use your children to fulfill your ideals of greatness. You have to find that within yourself. Those are beautiful. And speaking of kind of parenting yourself, how important is it for every adult to heal their inner child? It is the most important thing you can do. Your inner child is in the driver's seat 90 % of unscripted time. Really? So the inner child is everywhere.

1:52:11And understanding your inner child, but not just your inner child. The inner child is the driver. But the one who's actually steering the ship is your ego, right? So your ego is how it takes care of the inner child. So if I'm scared today to come to Lewis's podcast and my inner child is like, oh, my God, I'm going to fail. I don't know anything. My ego could come. I'm just giving examples. Could come dressed like, I don't know, like a peacock, a peahen. Beautiful because I'm covering up that insecurity. My ego could give you$10 ,000 so you like me more and a big cake and I could compliment you so you could like me.

1:52:52My ego could say to your assistant, you know, let me do these things for you and become a pleaser and a fixer for her so she can like me so I can have a better. So the ego will do all these strategies to help my inner child. But that's happening all day long to the point that it's a set system now. Our ego is in place. The ego knows how to do it. The ego is always protecting the inner child. So the real work is not so much the ego. The real work is the pain of that little girl or boy who needs success to feel good or needs validation to feel good. And that's the basis of all this work.

1:53:29Lewis Howes:For those listening or watching who have their parents still alive, who feel like they didn't have, who are still, they feel like they're emotionally unavailable or they're immature or they're whatever. How can adults who have parents navigate this? So first, I totally validate the pain adults have felt in their childhood. This is the basis of my work. There is pain. I validate you. However, I do say that after the age of 18, then I say, okay, 32, I give you another 12 years. You have to take accountability for your life and take that power away of waiting for your parent to heal or continued resentment.

1:54:30Now, there's this whole big field of separation from the parents and creating that line. I support that if it's done in peace. If you're going to separate, but you're still in turmoil and bubbling and still carrying resentment, good you have physical space, but you haven't yet done the work.

1:54:51Lewis Howes:You haven't healed. You haven't healed. And if you stay, but you're still bubbling and resent, it doesn't. You haven't healed. So the physical is just a proxy for the first step. Ultimately, we all had a rough hand in some way in childhood. It's a crapshoot. Somebody grew up with the fundamentalist. Somebody grew up with the sexual abuser. I'm not minimizing it. It's tough. Everyone had some type of trauma. Yes. Some had big T. So yes, I give compassion. But at some point in life, you've got to release your parents from your own subjugation. You are the one subjugating yourself by thinking that they should.

1:55:28Well, they didn't because they didn't have the skills. They were traumatized. They were empty. They were void. So I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Now let's heal that. But you have to learn to reparent yourself. And then you take the power back. And then actually what I've seen is you have great compassion for your perpetrator. Doesn't mean you have to talk to them. Doesn't mean you have to allow them back in your life. but you begin to understand with perspective that they came from pain.

1:55:57Lewis Howes:This is powerful. I'm really grateful for you, Dr. Shefali, because it's coming a time where I feel like I need to hear this information even more. And so I'm excited to dive in deeper in the books. I want everyone to get a copy, get a few of your friends. And it's just a great reminder that especially if you're a parent to new kids, what's coming is scary if you're not prepared for it. And I don't think it needs to be scary if you follow this blueprint and what you talk about in your books. I think you can have an incredibly fun, free life with your kids with this structure in mind. But if you don't have this, it's going to be extremely scary.

1:56:39It's going to be hard. So the books are on pre-sale. And if you go to my website, I'm doing two masterclasses where I train you in the content. So I encourage people, if they order the books, they can join the masterclass.

1:56:51Lewis Howes:For free. Masterclass. For free. It's amazing. DrShifali.com for that. You'll see it on the website right there. So get the books on Amazon or wherever you want to get your book, pre-order it, and then you can go there for the masterclass. Final question, Dr. Shifali. What's your definition of being a great parent? being a humble parent and knowing that I am never going to be perfect. And that is okay. Really? Thank you so much. Appreciate you. Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Powerful. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links.

1:57:35Lewis Howes:And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

1:58:20Lewis Howes:This is a message from Future U. Big things are coming in your community and career. Walden University is here to help you get the W. Walden helps busy working professionals gain confidence and make a difference. Tempo learning puts you in control of your degree. No set weekly deadlines. No rigid schedules available in select programs. Make strides on your own terms. Take the first step and visit waldenu.edu to learn more. Walden University set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. Hey, everyone. It's me, Morgan Stewart, and I have a new podcast called The Morgan Stewart Show. Join me each week as I talk about pop culture, fashion, my personal life, and just a warning, I'm going to be giving my opinion on everything.

1:59:04I'll also have some really fun guests to join in on the fun. The Morgan Stewart Show is out now. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts or watch full video on YouTube.