Why You Suffer and How to Finally Stop | Peter Sage

24:44But I'll explain it. If you get the concept of a dog track, people are familiar with the greyhounds, they open the trap and they run around and people bet on who's going to win. Not my scene, but for the purposes of metaphor, it should serve this quite well. And any achievers listening to this, this is going to be an eye-opener. So why do the dogs run? They run because they're chasing a mechanical rabbit. The question is, do they ever catch the rabbit? No. What if they run really fast?

25:15Lewis Howes:No. They speed up the rabbit. Speed up the rabbit. What if they have a better trainer? Speed up the rabbit still, yeah. Sleep in a better kennel? No, right? So the reason the dogs don't catch the rabbit, is because by design, they can never catch the rabbit. Now, replace greyhound with entrepreneur or achiever. Replace rabbit with the goal you think is going to make you happy. Now, if you look at the dogs at the end of a race, you ever see a greyhound at the end of the race? They're ecstatic. Why? Because they got to run. That's what greyhounds are born to do. Entrepreneurs, we are built and born to build businesses.

25:56That's what we do. But if we're linking our success to catching the rabbit, I mean, you just imagine at the end of the race, you know, the greyhound turns to his friend and says, hey, listen, I ran three races this week. Won two of them. Still haven't caught that damn rabbit. I quit. Right? No. They get to run. And so if you're building a business in order to catch the rabbit, your next quarterly goal or your shareholders report or whatever it may be, and you think, when I get there, and of course, have you noticed that the rabbit always just seems that little bit ahead. I'm almost there. What happens when you do actually get your goal?

26:28How happy are most people for how long?

26:30Lewis Howes:They're not actually happy. Maybe a day or two, but then it's like, oh, what next? 100%. That's the curse of the white rabbit. And why are they relieved at least for a short while? Why? Because they're no longer chasing. So I say, when I get my first million or my first Ferrari, I'll be happy. I was 25, I bought my first Ferrari for cash. And I was happy for about a week. And I make my first million, then I'll be happy. What happens? You make your first million and you're not happy. And then you finally realize why. Of course. Answer is simple. It's because I need two million in case I lose the first.

27:08Lewis Howes:Right, right, right. Oh, it shouldn't be a Ferrari, it should be a McLaren. That will make me happy. That goes on forever. Yeah. Or now I'm hanging out with people that make 10 million and now I'm at the bottom of the rung. I've worked with people worth 700 million who are on antidepressants because they're not a billionaire. Really? Oh yeah. Come on. That game never ends. Yeah. It's the curse of the white rabbit. So how do you break that? Well, understand that in order to do it, it doesn't require a new hack, a new 10X this, a new ice bath routine. All of that's outer world stuff. Outer world follows in the world.

27:42That's just buy me hacks on how to run faster east to find your sunset. Instead, if you realize, ultimately, and some people just, they're not ready to hear this, but they will at some point. You break the curse of the white rabbit by understanding the reality that you already are that which you seek. What does that mean? What are you really after? For the Ferraris or the money or the body or the house or whatever. It's probably a feeling for most people. A feeling. There isn't a feeling that at your age or most ages by the time you're 20, your brain doesn't neurologically understand or hasn't experienced at some point.

28:23You know how to create it. So what you're really saying is that in By Me, and this is kind of the curse of By Me, the white rabbit, is that when I achieve a certain level that I have internally arbitrarily set as a point, I will then give myself permission to feel a feeling that I could actually feel now. But I'm refusing to do that because my rules for what has to happen for me to have that permission are set in some sort of achievement criteria externally. Instead of just being now. Here's a great analogy. Let's say you win a round-the-world trip. You entered a competition. You're in a waiting room.

29:04You got bored. You're online. You entered something. And a month later, you get a notification. You've won on all expenses, round-the-world trip, dream trip, 20 different destinations, everything on your bucket list. The Northern Lights, the pyramids, Antarctica, Angawatt in Cambodia, all of these things. First class, you've got jets, you've got cruise ships, you've got everything. You are so excited. And you can take one person with you. Obviously, if you would be Martha, right? But you call your friend and you say, oh my goodness, you're not going to believe this. We're emotional creatures. We're designed to share.

29:36We experience emotion through connection. So you call a friend or you're talking, I've just won this amazing round the world trip. I'm just looking through the itinerary. And before you can get to the second place that you're going to, your friend cuts you off and says, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's your final destination? destination you're like well i'll get to that but yeah we're also going here and we're going well no i don't care what's your final destination you know i haven't even looked that far ahead i just want to enjoy the trip yeah that's life so many people are trying to race to what they think is a final destination that'll make them happy when i get this house or that car or this status or that man followers or this many likes on my breakfast or the crap that goes on you already are that which you seek.

30:18And when you realize that if I can give myself permission to be happy now, and what is happy, don't complicate it. Happiness is a byproduct of thinking happy thoughts. Case closed. So if I can give myself permission now, I can go and chase the dream, build the business, do what have you from a very different place of giving more of who I am to the world and the venture and everything else rather than give less of me because I feel less than until I've got it. Does that make sense?

30:54Lewis Howes:What would you say then is the biggest block to unlocking the science of manifestation for most people? The biggest block is most people don't believe that there is an intelligence that's non-physical. Now, without getting into labels, because the mind loves to label. It's like someone says, Oh, look, that's a tree. That's not a tree. That's what we call a tree because the mind likes to take a label so it can feel smart about understanding something. But there's certain things that are just above our pay grade. But if I try to simple it down a little bit, we are human beings, which is the perfect encapsulation of physical and non-physical in one beautiful package.

31:37But the real essence of who we are is non-physical. What makes Lewis Lewis? Well, it's not your body. You've got a different body now than 20 years ago. You're going to have a different body 20 years from now. That's non-negotiable. That's part of the rule set. And you can put on creams and take vitamins, but at some point, you're going to look different downstream, right? That's just part of the game. But the real essence that makes you you is not physical. It's the non-physical. It's your personality, your sense of humor, your dreams, your goals, your aspirations, your values. All of that is what makes you you.

32:11Now, if I was to take that out of you and put it in somebody else, it would be you with a different body. So the essence of what makes us us has to be non-physical. So break down the word human being. Human relates to body, physical. We have a body that runs on a rule set, then we abide by it and look after it and take care of it. It'll last us quite well. But it's got a time on it. Whereas being is non-physical. You can't put being in a box. So if you identify more as your body, a center of gravity, we've got these two things, physical, non-physical, one package. If you take your associations to who you think you are and you put that center of gravity over to the body, I am my body, I'm my physical self, and I identify in the physical world, the outer world.

33:04your body has a nervous system that is hardwired for comfort, which is useful when you're standing too close to a fire, sitting on an ant's nest. But if you identify with that, you're going to make the rookie mistake of thinking that life is a comfort-centric experience. And the journey to emotional maturity, one of the greatest days in a human being's life, is the day they wake up to understand that life is actually a growth-centric experience, not a comfort-centric experience. And so if you identify as the physical version of you, you're going to seek comfort by design because that's what your nervous system is wired for.

33:43If you understand that the real essence of who you are is way bigger than a body, the non-physical version of you, the U with a capital Y, let's call it our soul, that's hardwired for growth everything in nature grows so that it can contribute or it's taken out of the food chain i didn't make that up look out of your window no the two rules of nature so if you identify more with you trying to carve your legacy out in the physical world you're going to be calling yeah problems problems rather than opportunities or challenges is you're going to be struggling and fighting an inertia that is designed to give you challenges and problems because that's how you grow.

34:28We know that in the gym. Yeah. How do you grow the body? You push it past its comfort zone. Whereas how do you grow spiritually? Through the challenges and problems we have. So if most personal growth is focused upon you trying to take on the outer world to chase some rabbit that you think is going to give you fulfillment, which it isn't, Why? Because the reality is you can never, underline, never catch the rabbit of fulfillment by running on the track of achievement. Not because you're not a good enough entrepreneur or a good enough host or a good enough person, but you turn up the speed of the rabbit.

35:07The game by design is designed that you can't do that.

35:11Lewis Howes:You can never win. It shouldn't even be about winning. you know it's like and if that's the game you're playing you'll never be able to win because there's always something else you need to chase exactly there's always something that comes after and you go to your grave exhausted yeah rockefeller famous for saying at the end you know how much more money do you need just a little more crazy right that's you know that's not the game you want to play that's what he said at the end yeah no i wasn't there i mean right right that's what you hear but yeah and i had a business mentor um bless me he's passed away now i've had three main business mentors, a gentleman called Peter Thomas, who founded or co-founded EO, the Entrepreneurs' Organization.

35:49Yeah, beautiful soul. And Dan Pena, who I've known for 35 years now. Dan is the king of Buy Me. You want to hustle him, Buy Me?

35:58Lewis Howes:He is the definition. Buy Me is my middle name, right? Yeah. I love Dan for that. We go back a long, long way. But he's had a lot of success, it looks like, from the outside looking at us. Yeah. And I've got a whole video on what I learned from Dan on my YouTube channel, which explains, because he's actually in through me because that's his passion. That's his natural gift for being able to give, but it's being able to take the low buy-mes to the high buy-mes. And then another gentleman called Errol. Errol is a plutocrat by every definition. I knew Errol for 15 years. I never knew him earned less than about a million dollars a day.

36:37Lewis Howes:Say it again. He only what? He made a million dollars a day? I never knew him earn less than about a million a day. Every day he was making a million bucks a day. 350 million a year would be an average year for Al. And he sold his last business for 3.6 billion in cash. And he's passed away now earlier, but Errol was never really happy. Yeah. It was always, what's the next deal? We lived together a couple of times. He taught me a huge amount in business. I was very grateful for him in business. He was a fiend on 50 and 0 in terms of businesses he'd built. I was with him when he started the$3.6 billion business he sold.

37:11And I learned a huge amount vicariously, but I also learned who I don't want to become with money. No criticism to him yet now. He's not here to defend himself, but he'd probably agree as well that his level of fulfillment just wasn't there. His level of significance through, look at me because I'm really good at doing this and this is a goal that I can... Or a... That was high. This is a lane I can swim in better than anyone. I get it. But imagine getting to the end of the game and realizing you were playing by the wrong set of rules. Because I've never seen a hearse with a roof rack. You've never seen a what?

37:47I've never seen a hearse. What's a hearse? A funeral car.

37:50Lewis Howes:Okay. With a... With a roof rack. You're not taking it with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the only people that tried that were the Egyptians and what happened. Yeah. We dug it up and stole it. Yeah, of course. Eventually someone else takes it from you. Yeah. Yeah. So what is life really about? Mm-hmm. It's about who do you become in the process of achieving? I'm a great believer that the two organizing principles around setting goals are as follows. Firstly, if you have any idea how you can achieve the goals you set when you set them, they're too small. Mm-hmm. Why? Because otherwise you're focusing by me on how you can manipulate things in the outer world to line stuff up.

38:29And life doesn't work in straight lines. There's no straight lines in nature. You see a straight line, it's man-made. So life is non-linear. The river of life bends. Every river bends, regardless of topography. Every river bends. So if you're in By Me and you're sailing down the river of life towards your goal, right, I'm heading north. And then the river suddenly bends east. What are you doing by me? I'll tell you. I've seen so many people do it. And by the way, I come at this because in my 20s, I was the By Me king. I was working 130 to 133 hours a week. I was falling asleep at stoplights. I was an asshole to work for.

39:07because everything was about how do I get over the, how do I achieve enough to get over the insecurities as a young man that I felt that I wasn't good enough, which is the primary fear we have. So if you're going down the river and all of a sudden it takes a left turn, what do you do? Most people in By Me take a shovel off their back and start digging a channel through the bank to try to go through the straight line. In Through Me, you surrender to the wisdom of the current. You go with the flow. Okay, if this has happened, what do we do next? You free up the energy of resistance and channel it into what's the next best move.

39:43So rather than fight the current, you're using your energy to position yourself better in the current. Make sense? Yeah. Yeah. So most personal growth fails because it's really teaching you how to run east looking for a sunset, how to catch the rabbit of fulfillment by running on the track of achievement, and how to run in straight lines towards your goals and go through them with energy, persistence, determination, desire. Hence, burnt out Barry, stressed out Simon, heart attack Harry.

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41:17Lewis Howes:My Entertainment from DirecTV gets you over 60 channels and Disney +, Hulu, and HBO Max all in one pack. Watch it all, but don't spoil it. Tell your friends to get My Entertainment 2 for$34.99 a month. Go to directtv.com slash genre packs and sign up today. New customers only. Service renews monthly unless canceled. Credit card required. Conditions apply to apps. HBO Max basic with ads begins after direct TV five-day trial. Learn more at directtv.com. Restrictions apply. If someone is living in a life of insecurity or self-doubt right now, and they're trying to gain significance by achieving a goal what happens when they create from a space of insecurity or self-doubt no amount of outer world validation is going to cover up an inner feeling of emptiness it has to start from within and when people understand you were born good enough i mean look at the biology of it was 400 million to one right when you look at the egg and the tadpoles right 400 million you made it why did you want to be here so badly it wasn't to work 40 hours a week for somebody to retire up with a cheap watch to say thank you for you know for wasting most of your life no you came here to give a gift the gift of you yes the gift of something level of uniqueness.

42:45That doesn't mean to say you've got to be an NBA champion. No, we all have a way to be able to give. We all know, we all have the favorite grandma or auntie that just had something about them. They weren't driving Ferraris. They had an energy about them that made them give the best of who they were to us. And so when it comes to how do we reconcile that, how do we look at life saying, was I born good enough? When you realize that no matter what you've done, no matter what you've not done, you are worthy of love. Nothing to defend, nothing to conquer, nothing to prove. And when that becomes your ground of realization, which can't happen into me, is still trying to be earned in by me.

43:33And you start operating from a level where you accept your own greatness without having to go and tick boxes for it, you show up with a different energy. You walk through life up to something. And yeah, there's been times where, hey, I know what it's like not to be able to afford rent. I was born on a low cost housing estate. My parents had nothing. And up until very recently, I got absolutely wiped out financially. I don't judge my self-worth by tying it to my net worth. And if you do that, you are never going to have enough money like the 700 million guy to feel worthy. Why do most people tie their self-worth to the net worth?

44:11Conditioning. We've been told by society that the more money you have, the more successful you are because they can benchmark it. That means that you're better than fill in the blank. It's to keep up with the Joneses. I was happy with my BMW until next door neighbor bought a Lexus. Yeah. Now I don't feel as whatever. And so if you really want to know what all the Joneses are saying. They're saying they wish that you would quit so they could quit. All right. Stop competing. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll share another concept that I think could help a lot of people here. I realized that one of the biggest ankle weights on human potential is people living in what I call goop.

44:59And goop is a nasty, sticky, smelly, horrible substance that drains the life force. And goop stands for the good opinion of other people. And so many people make decisions through consciously or unconsciously the filter of goop. So how do you get rid of that? Well, you may find this useful. I firmly believe that we'll start in a movie called the movie of our life. And I know that you star in the movie of your life, Lewis, because you're the only person who's in every single scene of your movie. So if we realize that we star in the movie of our life, that means that by definition, other people can only play one of two roles.

45:44Lewis Howes:At best, they may be a supporting cast, a spouse, significant other, best friend, co-worker you're close to, what have you. But the vast, vast majority of people in your life are nothing more than film extras in your movie. Now, what is the definition of a film extra? Somebody you're not currently thinking about if they're not in your current scene. So to set that tone. So you may be thinking of your partner when they're not in the scene, for example, as a supporting cast, but the vast majority of people that most people suffer from goop for are film extras. Now, here's where it gets interesting.

46:25Most people are walking around seeing themselves as the star of their movie, thinking that other people see them as the star of their movie. Of course, they don't because they're not starring in your movie. Whose movie are they starring in? Yeah, theirs. Theirs. Which means by definition, we appear as only one of two characters in everybody else's movie. At best, supporting cast, but the vast majority of people you will meet in your lifetime. You are nothing more than a film extra in their movie. Now, how do you translate that into getting rid of goop? Simple. You understand that the reality is most people don't care enough about you to bother to even give an opinion.

47:04Why? Because they're too busy being worried about what they think you're thinking of them. Yeah. In other words, everyone's walking around in this bubble of self-importance thinking, I wonder what everybody thinks of me and my bubble of self-importance, not realizing that they're walking around in their bubble of self-importance thinking, I wonder what everyone's thinking of me, my bubble of self-importance. And when you burst your own bubble and see it for what it is, the freedom that comes with that is refreshing. That frees up life force rather than you trying to run around as this chameleon, this adaptation machine.

47:35Oh, if they don't like me this way, I'll be this way. If they don't like me this way, I'll be that way.

47:39Lewis Howes:It's letting go of the character that you've been play. Yes. And a lot of that is driven by patterns. I worked alongside as a trainer for Robin's Research for Tony for 15 years. And I learned a huge amount from Tony. But he said one thing that was so powerful that it was in a leadership meeting one time and he came out. It was almost a throwaway comment, but it had such an impact on me. He said, if you want to get good at working with people, get good at spotting patterns because there's only so many of them. and i looked at that so let's look at um perfectionism that's a classic by me pattern as well any perfectionists watching here will probably understand that you know what that's like now the thing with perfectionism is that it sounds very altruistic it's like you know oh i who doesn't want to be perfect i just want to make sure it's it's the best it can be it's almost like a self you know acknowledging i'm doing the right thing but there is no perfectionism Perfectionism is the lowest standard because it's unattainable.

48:37Evolution hasn't finished. So if nature isn't perfect yet, why do you think we should be? So what really is perfectionism? I'll tell you. The real language is, I'm scared of screwing up-ism. So it's got to be right. Otherwise, it has its basis more in fear of rejection. Like shy. Shy is a racket. Because, oh, I'm just introverted. I'm shy. No, you're not. You're running a pattern that says, please don't let you discover me because I'm scared of your judgment. That's the reality. Yeah. Now, I'm not judging them for that. I'm just saying address what the real thing is. Because what you're really looking for is the inability to handle rejection.

49:19Classic to me pattern. So you learn how to handle rejection. Why? Because if somebody rejects you, there's a difference between rejecting a person, rejecting their idea, their concept. and you realize that all people can ever do, Lewis, is project from their own model of the world onto you. Somebody comes up and calls you an asshole. Is that about you or about them?

49:43Lewis Howes:About their interpretation of something. Yeah, exactly. They're having a bad day. You look at that with compassion and understanding this person's in so much pain, so much chaos or whatever's going on that they've got to express their frustration to people they don't even know in ways that are potentially offensive or damaging, you hold compassion for that rather than judgment or reaction. Right. And you've got a different way of engaging in life. Mm-hmm. You've been around a lot of wealthy people. Who do you think are happier, millionaires or 100 millionaires and billionaires? The wealth is not the issue.

50:21The number is not the answer. Again, 700 million, antidepressants. And when you understand what money is, it can give you an insight. See, the two things that most humans stress about the most are money and time. And the only place in the universe they mean anything is in the mind of a human being. Nothing else keeps track of it. It's like if you say time, people say, I don't have enough time. Well, how do you run out of now? it's like you try to manage time you can't manage time any more than you can manage the current of a river while you're swimming in it it's the only area in life whether you're born in a slum in gugoledo in cape town or in beverly hills down the road it's the only area we've all been treated equal that is we get 24 hours in a day so trying to manage time is you know manage your priorities manage your focus.

51:16I don't think you can manage time because you're commoditizing it. You don't go to Walmart and buy three hours, 20 minutes on special offer for two hours and 10. It doesn't work that way. Money is the same thing. It's conceptual. The only place it means anything is in the mind of a human. You and I were on a desert island with a million dollars in cash and the economy had gone. We'd set fire to it to keep warm. It's pieces of paper with dead people printed on it. It's shiny stones and hard rocks. So the concept of money was created as a way to try to level the playing field in the bartering section.

51:52So if you've got goats and I've got chickens and I want goats and you want chickens, then we're in business. But I want goats and you don't want chickens, we need a way to figure it out.

52:02Lewis Howes:And you find someone else who wants a goat and you do this and it's like, all right, let's just trade something. Yeah. Just a lot easier to do it that way. So we created the concepts of money to help solve that kind of problem. There's other backstory to it, but to simplify it, let's leave it there. But it's still a human construct. So I did an experiment. My dog got a Jack Russell. I've got two, but my boy's called Archie. And I did an experiment. This went kind of viral on social. Archie the Achiever? Definitely not. No. He said Archie the daddy's boy, but Achiever when it comes to chasing balls.

52:33Yes, that's what I mean. But I got a ribeye steak. I put it on a plate. I got 1 ,000 euros from here. I live in Spain. 1 ,000 euros in cash, and I put it on another plate. I said, right, Archie, listen to me carefully. Do you know how many ribeyes you can buy for 1 ,000 euros? Right? Right, right. I'm going to give you one shot, one choice. We know where this is going. Yeah, yeah. Right? And it was a fun way to kind of make a point. Of course, straight for the ribeye. But if you think that money is a measure of your success No, money is a measure of how much value you add Because the only time you ever receive money Is by giving something of value for it first You wouldn't walk in the gym You're in shape, you know what it's like to be a professional athlete You walk into the gym And you go to your personal trainer and you say Hey look, these machines look a bit tough Give me the strength, I'll go lift the weights doesn't work that way you lift the weights you get the strength you sit in front of the fire on a cold night and it's dead and you say hey negotiation time give me some heat i'll go fetch you some wood doesn't work that way yeah so most people say give me the money and then i'll be happy give me the money and then i'll feel this no go add value go give your gift go be of service and you'll look over your shoulder one day and realize that money starts showing up but you cannot But, and this is a bigger conversation, I talk about the number one rule of coaching being that if you want it more for somebody than they want it for themselves, you're wasting your time.

54:10Number one rule in personal growth, you can never rise above the opinion of yourself. What does that mean? It means that we have a financial thermostat. And if your financial thermostat, like a room thermostat, there's a program invisibly running in the background that monitors the current temperature, that if it drops below, the heaters kick in. If it goes above, the air conditioning kicks in. So if your financial thermostat is set for$50 ,000 a year, and all of a sudden you drop to 30, the heaters kick in. You get motivated. You're up early. You're hustling. You're getting out there. You're doing something.

54:49You're following up on sales calls. You're figuring it out. You certainly go to$100 ,000 a year and you're now comfortable, but that internal programming is running that says, too hot for you up here, air conditioning kicks in. So what happens? You stop following up on leads. You don't get as motivated. You're not getting up as early. You're not putting as much time in and you self-sabotage. And we see this played out in every lottery winner example you can give. So your financial thermostat governs your ability to attract, earn, keep, retain, be a custodian of money. So how do we increase our financial thermostat to earn more?

55:29Well, the trap, as you alluded to earlier, is that if you have your self-worth to your net worth, you're caught in a negative loop. Because unless I earn enough, I'm not good enough. But if I'm not good enough, I'm not earning enough because my frequency now is matching a lack consciousness, a poverty consciousness, a scarcity mindset. The people that I've seen that are constantly happy, whether they're millionaires, billionaires, centimillionaires, decamillionaires, or broke, are people who have an abundance mentality, a prosperity consciousness, and it isn't linked to money. Money is one of the aspects.

56:02Again, it's almost a strange concept that we created. Hence, self-worth and net worth shouldn't be tied. But I mentioned earlier about gratitude and scarcity can't live in the same room. So if you want to create an abundance mentality and you don't have money, stop trying to focus on money to trigger the feelings of abundance. What should we focus on instead? What do you have an abundance of?

56:27Lewis Howes:Love, joy, presence, curiosity. Friends, yeah. Oxygen if you're struggling. I mean, focus on something that you're grateful you have more for. And a contrast frame here is a powerful tool to use. Most people use contrast frames the wrong way. For example, let's say you're working at a new job, temporary position, and the boss calls you in on Monday morning, says, hey, John, we've been watching you. We've been impressed. You're a team player. You're not a clock watcher. You've been going the extra mile. We're going to give you a permanent contract and a 10 % pay rise. How do you feel? Better. Yeah.

57:07Happy. Great. Thanks. So 12 o 'clock comes. You're in the staff canteen and you're chatting with Susie and she's all happy too. You say, hey, Susie, how's it going? oh great are you really happy yeah i've had a great time boss called me in this morning give me a permanent she does the same job as you by the way right you know it says yeah give me a permanent contract and a 20 pay rise now you're not happy we had nothing before now you only have 10 so you're contrasting it to what she got rather than contrasting what you didn't have before contrast frames are okay when i was in yeah pentonville mentioned earlier six months in jail and I would be helping the prisoners and I would give them man's search for meaning, Viktor Frankl.

57:50And I would challenge them not to cry with tears of gratitude for the fact they were in Pentville and not Auschwitz. Wow. Reframe.

57:59Lewis Howes:Yeah. Everything's reframeable. And that was a powerful lesson for a lot of them. And some people committed to me don't want to change. That's okay. Your job is not to change anyone We have no right to change anyone I've got no right to walk into somebody else's movie Grab the script writer's pen and start altering their scenes That's Even if you love them and you can see that They're self-harming, they're self-sabotaging And you want them You can see the problem You don't get to do that All you get to be Lewis in this world Which is what you're doing with this podcast which I love You get to be the example And you get to be the invitation You can't be the invitation without being the example, but you also cannot be the imposition.

58:43You can't push. Nobody changes because you tell them to. Yeah. Why? Because it triggers the primary fear that we all have, which is the fear we're not enough. Yeah. And ultimately that we won't be loved. So if you try to argue with anyone or even help them by saying, yeah, oh, I've got a great way that you can get out of this problem. What most people hear isn't, oh, here's somebody trying to help. What most people hear is, oh, I'm not good enough doing what I'm doing now and you're trying to fix me. Everybody will push back against that. And family member or stranger or work colleague doesn't matter because it triggers that primary fear, which is the fear we're not enough.

59:20And most people do almost anything to avoid that, including stay in their victim story so that at least they have some certainty that they know how bad things are. Yeah. Wow.

59:35Lewis Howes:Imagine never buying gas again. Just plug in your car like you plug in your phone. That's the power of driving electric. It's not just good for the planet. It's actually more convenient and more affordable. I've actually been driving a Tesla for a couple of years now, and I love it. I can charge it overnight in my garage, and when I'm on the go, I hit a fast charger, and I'm back on the road in no time. No gas stops, no oil changes, just smooth, quiet, reliable drives. EVs are built for real life with daily range that lets you go wherever you need to go without worry. And the savings? Up to$2 ,000 a year just by skipping the gas pump.

1:00:10Lewis Howes:And with over 100 new and used EV models available right now, there's truly something for every lifestyle and budget. The way forward is electric. Learn more at electricforall.org. I am big on simple daily habits that support how you show up. And this is about building a routine that helps you eat, sleep, thrive, repeat. Nature's Bounty is all about helping you thrive from your head to your heels. You can support your heart, bone, nerve, and muscle health with magnesium glycinate. And if you want a little extra heart support, there is Vital Heart Rapid Release Soft Gels made with magnesium and CoQ10.

1:00:45Lewis Howes:And for digestive and immune health, Probiotic 10 delivers 20 billion live probiotic cultures in a one pill per day formula, which makes it easy to stay consistent. And if you care about building habits that support your goals, this is one way to stay intentional with your health. Nature's Bounty, it's in your nature. Learn more at naturesbounty.com. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. What is the thing that you learned the most when you went to jail for six months? Well, again, I'll give you some context for the audience as well.

1:01:21People know what happened. Yeah. I was in a litigation, a business deal with a multi-billion dollar company, arguing over a multi-million dollar deal that we'd done years before. And it was a contractual dispute. I thought they were just bullying me. I didn't want to stand for it. I was the little guy. They were the big guy. They had bigger muscles in the financial legal playground. And I stood my ground. I'm like, no, I've done nothing wrong. And to try to put pressure on a settlement, they issued a contempt of court application saying I breached a freezing order they'd put on, which was like financial handcuffs to try to put pressure on me.

1:01:54And I hadn't. And I read it and I looked at it and it was clever. You'd expect it from a$100 million law firm representing a multi-billion dollar company. And I thought he'd get laughed at a court in five minutes. They sold it to the judge. He gave me six months inside as a civil prisoner. Never been arrested, never been accused of a crime, still no criminal record. Yeah. With anything connection to that, It was like, wow, I go from 50 staff helping hundreds, thousands of people to in jail, lost everything. Wow. And that was nine years ago. And including hundreds of thousands of legal debts that they piled on top of me.

1:02:33No credit rating. I came out, lost nothing, lost my wedding, lost business, lost everything from literally that quick. And here's an interesting lesson that I'll share with people again as a framework I think will help, especially if people are going through their own version of that right now. Not in jail, but losing loved ones, business failure, divorce, whatever it means. We all face our challenge. And one of the biggest things I mentioned earlier about turning your mindset around. Identity is a key factor. the questions you ask, the focus you have, the by me or through me positioning, a lot of it comes down to identity.

1:03:15Because people in personal growth learn things. They read the books. They go to the seminars. They watch the podcasts. There's three levels that that lands at. And here's why most people keep running the rinse and repeat cycle. The first level is the intellectual level of understanding. It means it makes sense. people listen to this in English it makes sense but if you only keep it at the intellectual level then knowing and not doing is the same as not knowing smokers know they shouldn't smoke it's not they don't see the warnings on the packet you can't construct one logical argument as to why somebody should smoke so why do they smoke it's not because they're not unintelligent you know so it's because it hasn't gone to the second level of understanding intellectual level means nothing the second level is the emotional level that's where we call the penny drops so now all of a sudden you're a smoker you know you shouldn't quit but you do it anyway why because it just stays at the intellectual level but now you go to the doctor and he says that's uh that chest scan we just did you have one more cigarette you could suffer a fatal stroke now you didn't suddenly become smarter no you didn't suddenly get the warnings into focus no you went from an intellectual to an emotional understanding and that is where behavior starts to change behavior doesn't change at the intellectual level or your daughter comes running up six years old and says daddy daddy i don't want you to die please stop smoking i want you to walk me down the aisle when i'm older and i don't think you'll make it if you smoke right it's like whoa you know cigarettes in the bin but the intellectuality sorry the emotional level only triggers behavior change it doesn't guarantee we've known people that says i'm done i've quit and then they fall back and then they fall back why because it never went to the third level the third level is where it changes your identity see if you're emotional and you throw your cigarettes away and your identity is i'm a smoker who's quit another thing tony said very powerful he said that the strongest force in the human personality is the need to remain consistent with how you define yourself in other words right identity yeah so if i'm a smoker who's quit identity wins over time every time so i'm a smoker now i'm using willpower to quit well that's got one direction at some point back to willpower falls down willpower is not on demand I've got all the willpower to hang on to a branch or on a tree over a cliff, but you come back on Tuesday, I'm not there.

1:05:54Right? Yes. So that identity side is if you change your identity from I'm a smoker who's quit to I'm a non-smoker, I offer you a cigarette, you're a non-smoker. What's the response? No, thank you. I don't smoke. It's effortless. I'm a smoker who's quit. Somebody offers me a cigarette. There's that push-pull. We're questioning it constantly. Yeah. So when I was going to be set to send down the six months out of the blue, like into the most violent prison in the UK as the only non-criminal. Man. I immediately had to check in with my identity because it would have been so easy at that point for me to go in as a victim, courtroom shenanigans, big scary law firm, pulling stuff behind my, all of this kind of stuff.

1:06:39right i could have justified that and the thing with to me is the mind will always justify it's his job but that would have sent me down a pathway that i'm that's a tunnel with no cheese no yeah right so i chose a different identity in that moment i chose to be a secret agent of change i'm like i've spent a quarter of a century at that point helping people with their mindset if the universe is going to find the only way to smuggle me into jail without ever being accused of a crime. To be able to help people that would never normally watch this kind of podcast and be able to go and help them and then bring me back out without even having a criminal record.

1:07:16I mean, hey, genius, right? But let me go do my work. Why? Because life as a growth-centric experience is going to have graduation events. If you're a health coach, expect a health challenge so that you can prove to people that you can walk your talk. You're a relationship coach, expect a problem so that you can actually live what it is that you teach others otherwise you've got no right to do it so i went in as a secret agent of change and now is this right away or

1:07:45Lewis Howes:is this after a couple days oh no no walking down the steps really in me you weren't in shock you weren't like i can't believe this is happening to me like 25 years of training i mean if i couldn't walk my talk at that level i shouldn't be there wow so yeah it would probably take an adjustment period for some people but no i knew because that's that's a slippy slope to climb back from if i go down victim wow so i went in and i didn't get upset i got excited come on you were excited to go to jail i went in smiling why because i am wearing it had to be i had to reconcile it as if i live in a friendly universe or i don't pick one wow you can't be a fair weather sailor uh-huh yeah good sailors aren't made on calm seas uh-huh and i had a set of skills that i went in with and Anyway, long story short, I ended up getting a lot of the prison soft drugs.

1:08:33I was stopping suicides. I redesigned the intake system to reduce violence between the wings. It's now being used in prisons all over the world. I actually won a national award for the work that I did inside in the midst of losing everything. And every two weeks, I wrote to my students, telling them what I was doing by hand, how I was coping with it. Were there times I was upset and depressed? Absolutely. I'm not superhuman. There was times where I woke up at five in the morning because my body was trained to wake up at five. And I can't move because my cellmate doesn't wait till seven. You don't want to upset your cellmate.

1:09:04And that's hard because you can't move your body to try to change your emotions. And there was times I doubted myself. But where do you live? Where do you visit? If you live in the gym, you can visit McDonald's once in a while. It's not going to do a lot. But if you live in McDonald's, you visit the gym once in a while, it ain't going to do a lot. Yeah. Right? So I wrote every two weeks. And when I came out, my students said that they'd learned more from the 11 letters than traveling around the world for the last couple of years following me on stage because it was real. Wow. I'm breaking down how I'm doing suicide interventions.

1:09:40How do you stop somebody committing suicide permanently? Not just in the moment. You can change anybody's mood in the moment, but permanently when they go back to their cell and think the same depressing thoughts that cause them to be suicidal in the first place. There was a lot of suicides in that jail, by the and yeah i yeah i put it all down and when i came out private letters never meant to be for the public they said that they'd learn more from those letters and it would help a lot of people if i if shared them wow so we put it into a book and called it the inside track yeah and i'm so grateful because i look back now and i think that even though obviously it was tough running a marathon is tough so why do people do it because you get a medal at the end you feel proud of yourself But there's times at mile 17 that you question yourself.

1:10:25There's times that I was questioning myself. Of course. But that book has helped so many people change the life of pretty much everybody that's read it. I'm an emotional, sorry. And to look back and see now that one of the greatest adventures I ever had the privilege of living, and knowing that if you trust the universe to have your back as dark as it can see at the time, I wrote a sign and put it on the inside of my cell door. It was a quote from Napoleon Hill. It said, every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit. And I read that sometimes hundreds of times a day.

1:11:02I had to. And the problem is most people are so busy moaning at the adversity, they never take time to water the seed. But if that river suddenly bends left and you're panicking because your goal's over there and now it's going this way, if you surrender to the wisdom of the current, if you go with the flow, say, okay, hey, the milk is spilt on the carpet, bitching about it's not going to put it back in the bottle. I free up the energy of resistance to what is. Because unless you've got a DeLorean and you're Marty McFly, you're not going to change it. So you free up that resistance and channel it into what is the next best move.

1:11:36Okay. I'm in prison. I can't change that. I've lost my business. I've lost my wedding. I've lost this. I've lost hundreds of thousands in debt. I've lost everything. What's the next best move? Well, I'm clearly here to serve. Let me go to work.

1:11:47Lewis Howes:Hmm. Man, this has been powerful. I want people to get a copy of the book. It's called The Inside Track, The Ultimate Guide to Conquering Adversity. It's about the 11 private letters that you wrote while you were in jail to your coaching students, again, over the six months. And I think it's going to inspire a lot of people. I've got a couple of final questions for you, but I wanted to ask you, or is there something you wanted to say? Actually, before you do it, I'd actually prepared a gift for everybody watching. Okay. Because I'm, and by the way, this is coming out a third of a million in debt, no credit rating.

1:12:19I got excited about that. Why? Never climbed out of a hole that deep before. Let's see what happens. Okay. And I went to work because I've got a high conscience, I've got an abundance mentality. So I knew eventually the outer world would catch up, is what I teach. I'm doing very well now. Yeah. I'm back on my feet. Things are going well. We're helping thousands of people a week. I'm really proud of what myself, the team, and the universe, if you want to call it as help. So I want to get this book into as many hands as possible. And so I prepared a gift for every reader. So if anybody wants a copy, either the PDF or the audio, and it's my voice on the audio, petersage.com forward slash Lewis, put in your email and you can have it.

1:13:00No free plus shipping, no here's a funnel on the backend to get more money. None of that. I just absolutely free. My only recommendation is please don't treat it like you didn't pay for it. Otherwise, you know, if you don't pay, you don't pay attention. So I want a copy of that because it's changed the lives of pretty much everybody that's read it. If I can help the people that are your tribe in a way that helps them, you learn one thing out of that that can get you into a life of more of through me and less of buy me or to me. I've done my work and that's why I'm here.

1:13:29Lewis Howes:That's beautiful. Yes. People can go to pierceage.com slash Lewis. Check out that. You'll get it for free, uh, audio or PDF version. Um, you've got different programs on there as well. People can check out. And your YouTube Instagram is therealpetersage on Instagram or YouTube. I know you had a couple of cups here. I don't know if you had an example you wanted to share for something, or did you want to talk about it already? It kind of sums up a lot of what we've shared and kind of brings it full circle. So this is an example that people can see visually. So if we take a glass of water like this, the stuff in the glass the water represents the content of people's life it's your job your business your money you know money your friends your religion your hobbies it's the stuff of your life and the glass represents the container it's the context it's how you hold it how you look at it what most people spend most of their life doing is trying to stir the stuff in the glass In your 20s, you're stirring it like mad, right?

1:14:34You're trying to figure out who you are What do you like? What food do you like? What sex do you like? What people do you like? What job or career do you like? So you're constantly stirring Now in your 30s, there's a bit more of a pattern to it You're still trying to change things But there's a bit more of a pattern, routine You kind of know your preferences and who you are and what you like 40s, still stirring 50s, still stirring 60s, 70s I'll say one day in your 30s, you wake up and say, my life's so transparent and boring. So you go to a personal growth seminar and you realize what's been missing.

1:15:11You need some blue in your life, right? Transparent, boring, see-through, blue. Blue's where it's at. So what happens? You go out, you sell your clothes, you get blue clothes. You drive a blue car, you find blue friends, all of that kind of stuff. And you're still staring and trying to change everything in your life in order so you can see it to be happy. What happens after a while? Curse of the white rabbit. Blue's just feeling...

1:15:37Lewis Howes:I mean, red. I need green. Yeah, yeah. Whereas if you were to simply take a different way to look at it and you were to put the water in, same stuff. What instantly appears to change in terms of how you see things in your life? See, most people are spending their time, effort, money, resources, goals, trying to change the stuff in their life. And while that's fine, we're here to create. We're born to create as human beings. We're born to go and experience and do stuff. But if you're trying to do it in order to change the color of what's in the glass without changing the color of the glass, you're going to be on a hamster wheel to nowhere running east looking for that sunset.

1:16:15Lewis Howes:So we got to learn how to change context, not the content. Again, ask better questions. Raise your level of consciousness. Outer world follows inner world. And again, two men sat behind pizze and bars. I know this one, all right? One saw mud, the other saw stars. The environment is exactly the same. What you choose to do with that environment is everything. Yeah, I was on the ocean earlier this year and involved in something called the world's toughest row. And the reason I chose that was because I mentioned graduation event. mm-hmm well the olympics is every four years yep and so i i didn't want to i i wanted to choose my next one rather than actually have it chosen for me by the universe and and so i signed up for it for the world's toughest row it's an extreme endurance event rowing unsupported across the atlantic same route columbus took from the canaries to antiga okay and two months is that what you said it was two months how long two months and that just to set the scene i mean A marathon, three hours as a pro, four hours plotting, five hours you could walk it.

1:17:24Ironman, 14 hours. Ultramarathon, probably a week. Toughest sporting event on TV, maybe Tour de France, televised. 21 days, grueling across the Pyrenees. We're talking somebody has to be rowing at all times. There's me and my best friend. So two hours on, two hours recovery. Two hours, two hours, two hours. For 24-7 for just under two months. Oh my gosh. it's the most extreme endurance force event on earth nothing comes close 25 times more people have summited everest than have ever rode an ocean wow so this is like a like two wars or is this like there's no there's no sail there's no engine i'm not even allowed to hold up a t-shirt to dry because they class that as wind assistance and everything's got to be arms and oars wow and is there boat next to you or is there boat like there is safety boats usually four or five Five days away.

1:18:16Oh my gosh. So everything's self-sufficient. Holy cow. Yeah. Two years of training, including ocean navigation, survival, equipment. Wow. And I've never rowed. All the food's on board, dehydrated. For two months? We've got solar panels to power a desalinator to get fresh watered, to put in the power of food.

1:18:35Lewis Howes:How big is the boat? Beefed up canoe. Okay. Wow. And after four days, we had our first storm. 11 meter waves, 35 foot. Terrifying. I was on the satellite phone to Nadia, my partner, crying. I was terrified. You can never train for something like that. I'm not a rower. And I share this as an example for people because there was two reasons I wanted to do this. The first is I wanted to see if I'm still qualified to teach. I'm comfortable now. I'm back on my feet, all that kind of stuff. So again, where do I sit on my own totem pole of self-mastery? Because I firmly believe if you can't master your mind, you will never master your life.

1:19:20So you can't engineer in a classroom, being a thousand miles offshore, nearest humans in the International Space Station, the nearest land's five miles underneath you. You're hallucinating through sleep deprivation. You've got salt blisters all over your hands and your backside. You're exhausted and your alarm goes off at 4 a.m. for you to go row backwards in the dark in a raging sea for two hours. Wow. That's when your mind's going to give you every excuse, right? Get out of here. Just make it clear. I don't want to go to school today, right? Yeah, yeah. So I want to find out where I sat there because if I'm not qualified to teach, fine.

1:19:53And authenticity is my highest value, all right? I need to know. And that's okay. I've had a good run, but I can't stand on stage in front of my students and tell them how to do stuff if I can't still do it myself. That's rule number one. But the other reason is everybody has their own role. Traumatic divorce, stage four diagnosis, business catastrophic bankruptcy, whatever it is. I mean, Lee, my partner, my best friend, and I rode with, we were lucky. We just got the Atlantic. So how could I use, and we video diaryed the whole thing on my YouTube. How could using what we were using for our mental tricks and everything else and reframes and how to be appreciative of the rain because the rainbows were there and all of the other stuff and being grateful that we had hands rather than hands that were hurting.

1:20:40How could we translate that for other people for what they were always? That was the other big reason that I did it. But the last lesson that I want to share and come back to your question is that I think sums up a lot of the journey. It was that there was one point we had to go onto the boat. we had a rogue wave snap our rudder carbon fiber six times stronger than steel and it slammed the boat lee was unconscious twice by the way on the i rode solo for a week oh yeah because he got slammed and it's hit his head on the side of the boat it's another story but i had to go under the boat in a raging sea to try to fix the rudder holy cow and before i went out and there's no option otherwise because you can't steer a rowan boat.

1:21:23That's it. It's game over. So I recorded a video to my partner on my phone in a tiny little cabin. I've got a tiny little help. I can't even stretch my legs. And it was to say, look, if you find this video, but you don't find me, and I want you to know that A, I love you, but B, this was my decision. Wow. Yeah, I don't blame Lee. He didn't bully me into going under the bike. This is my decision. and I think I'm going to be okay because I live in a friendly universe, but hey, we all have a final scene in our own movie. And it was the closest I've ever come to drowning, by the way. I was being lifted out of the sea two feet, slammed two feet underneath, trying to get under the boat because I was throwing up seawater.

1:22:08I was in a fetal position back on the boat. And there was one point where I actually thought it was going to be the end. But when you realize that even though we star in the movie of our life, every single one of us when it comes to the human, not the being, but the human, has a final scene. That's non-negotiable. So what do you want your final scene? What do you want to be able to say if you're lucky enough to be able to choose the last words that come out of your mouth? I'd want it to be like, wow, that was spectacular. That is a movie that I would pay to watch again. And of course, what does a great movie have, Lewis?

1:22:44It has everything. Comedy, Tragedy, romance, heartache Fun, adventure Abundance, scarcity, it has everything Nobody pays Good money to go to a cinema to watch James Bond rescue a kitten out of a tree for 90 minutes That's not the movie you want And so many people Are trying to live in this narrow little band of Not too much risk, not too much failure Get out and swing the bat Go film the movie You were born to film and if you're sitting In victimhood, that's never going to be the starring role that you were born to star in. Get out and play.

1:23:19Lewis Howes:It's been powerful, Peter. I want to acknowledge you for the journey you've been on and how you continue to serve at this level, even with the challenges you've been faced. And it's really inspiring, man. So congrats on everything. And excited for people to get the book, The Inside Track. And check out all your work, peterstage.com. Two final questions for you. This one's called The Three Truths. So imagine, you know, you spoke about the last moment, last day, potentially. imagine you get to live as long as you want, but it is the last day, the final scene for you. And you've gone on the adventure of your dreams.

1:23:52Lewis Howes:But for whatever reason, all of your work has to go with you. All of your content, your message, this interview is gone. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. And this is all we would have of your content. What would those three truths be for you? Wow, beautiful question. The first is to understand you were born good enough. Nothing to defend, nothing to conquer, nothing to prove. No matter what you've done, no matter what you've not done, you're worthy of love. Stop trying to earn it. The second, stop waiting for approval from the outside world, from your partner, from... Stop waiting for approval for you to walk your truth.

1:24:37If you feel this is your decision that is right to make, stop looking for agreement. That'll hold you back. You're starring in your movie, nobody else's. Third, understand that the sooner you can swap your need for significance or your need for certainty, for growth and contribution as your highest values, your life will change forever. That would be it.

1:25:09Lewis Howes:The final question, Peter, what's your definition of greatness? Oh, I should have expected that. I would say getting to the end of your movie and being happy with your performance. It doesn't have to be a billion dollar company or impact the world or a thumbprint on humanity. No, you'd be the best mom you can be. You gave what you did for your kids and allowed them to do what they do. Greatness is you walking your truth in conjunction with letting go of more fear and embracing more love. And if you can do that, that's a great life. Peter, thanks so much, man. Appreciate you. Pleasure. Thank you so, so much.

1:25:52Lewis Howes:I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.

1:26:29Lewis Howes:And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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