"Why You're SABOTAGING Your Love Life" - The Neuroscience of Attraction Revealed

0:00Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

0:18Do you believe that we can be in beautiful, healthy, loving relationships, and we can manifest everything we have on our vision or action boards if we have yet to heal the wounds of our childhood as a neuroscientist? No. Really? So if we have these visions and dreams and goals that we want to go after, if we want to have a beautiful relationship, but we are wounded still, the inner child is wounded inside of us as adults, what will happen to us? So this is really about inner child and shadow, right? So I think people understand that you've got an inner child that maybe didn't get over things that you experienced in your childhood.

1:01Shadow is about the parts of yourself that you've rejected because as a young child, you rely on your primary caregivers for survival. Yes. And if there is something that they don't love about you, you want to hide that for all the world so that they will still love you and not let you die. You don't want anyone to know this about you. No. That's shame. So you hide it away in childhood and often find yourself in adulthood no longer even aware of what those things are because you've rejected them so deeply. Wow. Yeah. But that's driving a lot of your unconscious behavior. Right. So if you put together the inner child and the shadow, then what happens is you meet people on the same level of psychological wound as you.

1:48Oh, yeah. You also leave people where if you evolve out of that and they haven't been able to. Wow. which i think goes back to one of the things one of the pieces of content i heard you talk about which is like the sense of smell connected to someone's stress levels or anxiety levels like you'll kind of attract a similar nervous system or i guess a certain similar like i don't know stress level yeah it's not it's not it's not smell it's it's sensing sensing not through smell the level of the stress hormone yeah interesting but that's short term right but the inner child and shadow stuff is longer term.

2:27Gosh, that's fascinating. Yeah. So you think we attract people based on our psychological wounds? 100%. Wow. And as we start to heal and grow, if the other person's not healing and growing, we kind of pull away. Mm-hmm. Wow. That's interesting. Speaking, I guess, about relationships and men and women, with all of your expertise on the brain, is the process of manifesting love and falling in love different from men versus women? I think if it's love you're really looking for, then it's not different. Not lust. Yeah, the issue is what you're actually looking for. So you think men and women manifest love the same way, similar ways?

3:05Yeah, I think if you want that sense of partnership and friendship and intimacy, and you want to be loyal and you want it to be for the long term, then it doesn't matter what gender you are. But if the disconnect is often, and this is a bit of a stereotype, but usually it's more that men are sorry that women want a loving stable relationship and men perhaps you know don't want that as much sex or whatever yeah or don't you know just don't want it right now go through periods where that's what they want and go through periods where that's not what they want which i guess could be true of any gender as well but overall more likely women will want to like be in a monogamous relationship and why is that based on kind of the brain science um so it comes from evolution so when we lived in the cave women did need men to protect them from predators and to hunt for food so women especially if they're pregnant too and they weren't able to go out and yeah hunt or gather yeah yeah they i mean they generally didn't hunt as much so they gathered more but then it's hard to get protein from what you gather rather than what you hunt so so for survival and you know they use the the fat and the skins and everything so it wasn't just food it was shelter and fire and you know all of that kind of stuff so although we don't necessarily need a man for those physical things now it's a very strong survival wiring in the brain and so what we have you know in in the cave we lived nomadically so often the men would go and hunt and be away for a very long time or if they went far enough and they found a cave of the of the same tribe they would just stay there and not go back why risk your life to travel back for you know six weeks right but over time a lot of societies in the modern world have asked people to live in unit families and so we have seen men's brains be rewired.

5:09Yeah. Quite relatively recently, like maybe in the last 10 years, researchers showed that when you become a dad for the first time, oxytocin rewires your brain so that you're more into bonding and less into the testosterone competitive stuff. Because if you think about it, lions and tigers, they'll eat their own children. You have to tame that in some ways, right? But how do you tame it but also harness it in other ways? You know what I mean? And it's like a dance of like having drive and testosterone. Yeah. Like I never want to lose that drive, right? I get this question all the time. But I also want to be like a great loving parent and partner and all these things.

5:49And not let testosterone drive me in doing damaging things. You know, so. Well, so from about the age of 35, your testosterone will have started dropping significantly already. Not mine. Let's go. one's testosterone tends to drop from that age um so when you do become a dad it drops after you become a dad for the first time oxytocin goes up testosterone drops you become much more about like cuddling and bonding and wanting to stay in the home and look after the interesting mom and the baby less about less about like lifting and like hunting right yeah interesting if you keep lifting then you would actually like keep your testosterone levels higher also if the baby sleeps in the same room as you then your testosterone levels drop even more come on so you might want to move out for three months to a different bedroom yeah i've already told her i'm going i'm getting my sleep you know the first few months so your testosterone drops if you sleep in the same room as the baby why is that because you're because the oxytocin's becoming like you know higher and higher because you've got this cute little warm thing that smells so nice and it's so like vulnerable and dependent on you and it's like in the room with you the whole eight hours, you know, just oxytocin boost.

7:08But are women attracted to men with less testosterone? They are when they're not fertile, but they are not when they are at peak fertility. Really? So mid-cycle, when you're ovulating, you're going to want a bad boy. And the rest of the time, you're going to want a nice man that will stay at home and help you look after the baby. So if you're not a bad boy when you're at peak fertility as a woman, is that going to hurt the relationship if you don't give women what they want hang on say that again so if a man is not a not a bad boy not a bad boy yeah when a woman is at peak fertility and the man just wants to cuddle and chill and not be driven by testosterone and give the woman that that testosterone feel yeah well that ultimately hurt the relationship long term if the woman doesn't get what she wants sexually i mean i think if she's chosen him by then so this is more about when you're like in the choosing phase.

8:02Once you've settled down with someone, then you have like a logical conversation about are we trying for a baby or not, right? But logic and emotion are two different things in relationships, you know? You might logically say, okay, I'm safe, but emotionally you want something else. This is a reason that people cheat. Right, because they're not getting what they want sexually. And so it's like, how do you suppress the thing you want sexually to be like, oh, but he's such a good guy or he's this, But if he's not giving me what I want, then I'm going to go find it from this other younger testosterone-driven man, right?

8:35You're getting really jealous here. I'm not getting jealous. This fantasy younger high testosterone man. Well, I'm just thinking, is this what women deal with? I know. Is this what women deal with? Yeah, to some extent, you know, more consciously or less consciously, depending on the woman. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting, right? So let me kind of explain the physiology behind it from the research that we know the best, which is in prairie voles. So there are two types of voles in America, marsh or mountain voles. Voles? What's a vole? Vole. It's a little rat-like creature. Prairie dogs? No. Not prairie dogs.

9:17It's a vole. It's more like a mouse or a rat. Okay, cool. The ones that live in the marsh or the mountain, they have plenty of food and plenty of shelter. And they're super promiscuous. The ones that moved to the prairie, where there's like scarce food and shelter, they snuggle in and settle down and become monogamous for life. The same rat, the same mouse, but just living in different areas. Come on. So wait, you're telling me rats are monogamous? These voles. these voles are monogamous um if they live in the prairie if they live in the prairie but not if they live in the park but if they have a if they have all the food and abundance they're just and lots of female voles that they can go and visit they're just little polyamorous voles yeah because they know that if they get they get um you know one vole pregnant and she's left on her own to look after her young they're going to survive because they're well sheltered there's plenty of food for her to nip out and bring it back to the babies yeah but in the prairie if he was promiscuous then the chances of his offspring dying are quite high because she can't defend the nest herself she can't find enough food for herself and then without help and so let's extrapolate this how does this help humans right okay well which first off which which mice are happier the ones that are more promiscuous the ones that are coupled I think it depends on the on the bowl so you think the female mice are happy if they just you know are pregnant but then their partner just leaves they're not happy no how do we know can we test that okay so how do we apply this to our lives there is an answer to that okay we test it through um levels of oxytocin and vasopressin come on have we done this have people done this no way these mice yeah wow that's crazy um and actually just to be serious the research has done more to help with loneliness grief and heartbreak but obviously it's got implications for dating wow um so because one of the things that we saw with the receptors in the brain is that like if if i'm in no it's got to be the other way around if you're in love with me you've got more vasopressin receptors in your nucleus accumbens which is on the reward circuitry and then every time you see me you get a reward and the longer that we've been dating and stay together and become closer that reward becomes more intense every time you see me however if we then had a prolonged separation time can down regulate the effect of those receptors so obviously there are implications for that in a breakup or grief right right um and but one of the things i think is like so so important for dating is that if a woman if a couple are getting to know each other and this is all on like heterosexual couples research then as a woman is sexually interested and liking the guy and enjoying the dating her oxytocin levels is like slowly slowly starting to go up when they start actually having sex she's going to be releasing higher levels of oxytocin every time she orgasms and that's going to make her bond to the guy much more if you have sex on the first date the guy's vasopressin levels will plummet straight away and all he'll be interested in is testosterone if you make him wait his vasopressin and oxytocin levels go up.

12:59And then when you do actually have sex, he's already bonded. So it's more likely to become part of a loving relationship. Wow. So if a woman sleeps with a man on the first date or two, is a man driven to want to bond long-term with that person? No. Why not? Because the vasopressin levels drop as soon as he has sex. What does that mean? So vasopressin is the one that makes the prairie voles monogamous. The higher the levels of that, and that the receptors appear in the reward circuitry of your brain. And so basically, if you see your partner in distress, it affects your brain, those neurons, and you want to comfort her through physical touch.

13:46so that's oxytocin but if you haven't had time for those receptors to appear in the correct place to make you bond then it's just it goes back to lust so what I say about love and relationships is that the genetics and the receptors will load the gun but sexual activity will pull the trigger Mm-hmm. So based on neuroscience, if you sleep with someone quickly, you're less likely to bond long-term together. They're more likely to be promiscuous or just not be as interested in that person long-term. Is that right? Mm-hmm. That's fascinating. I know. But you hear a lot of people just be like, you know, just sleep with them on the first day.

14:36It's fun. Just have fun. You know, it's all good. But I just feel like you're setting yourself up for letdown. But if that's what you want, that's fine. But don't expect the guy to keep liking you after that. No, no. And don't say it's fine and it's fun if you actually want a long-term relationship and then be disappointed that they didn't want that too. Yeah. So the brain chemistry within a man changes if they have sex earlier with a woman. And it changes in a different way if they wait and they actually create a bond. First, and then have sex. Yeah. What changes within a woman when they have sex with a man?

15:15Do they become more bonded to the person? Yeah. So for the woman, it's not so much to do with whether they are already in love with the person or not. If they're having sex and they're releasing oxytocin, because we don't have as much testosterone as you. you've got at least seven to eight times as much testosterone as me. And that buffers the effect of oxytocin, whereas I would get the full effect of oxytocin. That's fascinating. So a woman, when they have sex with a man, they're bonding quicker. Yeah. When a man has sex with a woman, he's not necessarily bonding right away. He has to have more time connecting with her until he bonds.

15:54Yeah. That is interesting. And then sex will, then the oxytocin isn't as buffered by the testosterone. So when you've got the vasopressin and the oxytocin high, then the testosterone has less negating effect on it. This is fascinating. Okay. What else about neuroscience and relationships should we address since we're on this topic that you think is really interesting? So I think, you know, the whole like visual and smell thing at start is quite interesting. and then the receptors and hormones to do with bonding and sex is really interesting. I would say that because we live so much longer now, you know, we're using these cave analogies.

16:36But to be honest, in cave times, you and I would both be dead. Diet's 30, yeah. So relationships potentially have to last for longer. And I think there's two things to say here. One is that you can use neuroplasticity to keep growing and changing in a way that keeps a relationship fresh. if you are holding on to this fantasy that a relationship has to last forever, even if we're now living till we're 100, right? So I think another way to look at it is about being in the present, not necessarily putting this intense pressure on yourself, your partner and the relationship that it has to last forever.

17:14Yeah. Understanding that even if a relationship breaks down and that's obviously difficult to handle at the time, that there are potential possibilities for something that's more right for you at a different age than maybe a choice you made in your 20s um so you know nothing you don't have to be a neuroscientist to say those two things it's kind of like just using your brain to understand that there's a certain amount of time there are you know benefits to being in long-lasting relationships but there are possible alternatives as well. Absolutely. Yeah. That's interesting. I want to go back to what we were talking about a little bit before in terms of 3D, 5D, brain states.

18:04I guess my question is, you know, we're in the three-dimensional world right now, 3D. But from my understanding, 5D allows us to manifest faster. It's like skipping time. It's not saying you have to push things forward in the physical, material world. You're jumping time, in a sense. I don't know if that makes sense. And when we use our brain to think about something, we're sending a signal into space, into time, space, our environment, consciousness. We're putting a signal out into the world. And maybe sometimes when we think about someone, we're sending that signal to the other person, right?

18:43Potentially. And if we send a signal out consistently, we're signaling to the world. And if we fill our hearts with love and gratitude and harmony and peace in a beautiful state, a flourishing state of abundance, we're signaling something out and we're drawing it back in through the heart. Is that a bunch of baloney or is that something that you can back by science to support our energy, our thoughts, our way of being and connected to the actions we take on a daily basis? That's a really beautiful way that you've put it and a great question as well. And so I just want to start that story with a few things like if you think about what you and I watched as sci-fi when we were kids, so much of that is true now.

19:29It's happening. Yeah. and things that we used to think about the brain like one way that we used to treat mental illnesses was by doing a frontal lobotomy or cutting the corpus callosum that you know like bridges the left and right hemispheres we thought we were doing a good thing um i have actually given patients electroconvulsive therapy in my career so not that long ago and not because i wanted to but i had a patient that came to me um and said you know i've got a long history of depression and when it gets to the point that I don't want to eat and drink the only thing that helps me quick enough that I don't have to suffer for weeks is is ECT and I said are you sure you don't want to try you know there are some modern antidepressants now that you know have an effect in a couple of weeks and she was like no I'm not eating I'm not drinking I'm totally depressed I just want ECT so I was like okay um but we don't generally do that so much anymore um so our understanding of psychiatry psychology and then with the advent of brain scanning how you know how healthy brains function has come a long way even at this conference at the weekend that all the speakers were amazing but a few of them mentioned right brain left brain and i said i'm sorry but i've got to stand up here and say we really can't talk about the brain like that anymore um it's so much more complex and sophisticated with these amazing um networks and subsystems and it's just doing a big disservice to the brain to talk about it's all connecting yeah yeah um so in in that sense the research that most backs up what you're talking to speaking to is we can't prove all of that yet but how we're getting there is through two main ways one is looking at what happens in the brain with psychedelics and um how they can induce neuroplasticity so i keep my eye on the research at johns hopkins because i you know it's like to me the best um lab that's looking into that stuff and so there are really great benefits from one or two doses spaced one to six months apart of certain psychedelics in mental illnesses like depression and schizophrenia potentially in grief as well but what's really interesting to me is that everything that you see that a psychedelic can achieve relatively quickly you can achieve yourself by sleeping right eating right breathing right and meditating let's go so happy you're saying this because you know i have a lot of friends that swear by psychedelics they say like oh this changed my life and it's opened me up and it's allowed me to see things differently but i've been to many meditation intensive retreats that i feel like i'm seeing visions and I'm seeing like geometric shapes and pulsating and, uh, you know, all these different things that we are creating ourselves within ourselves.

22:41You know, it's the chemicals, the pharmacy that we have in our brain and body that can manifest and create these things are so powerful that I think if trained continually, it's hard work, but if trained properly and continually with the right teaching can have just a powerful effects if not more powerful healing benefits than an outside pharmacy that's just my belief i may be wrong but it sounds like from your research that's true i'm so glad i'm so glad you said that because i know it's particularly popular in la as well you know oh yeah everyone's talking about micro dosing and i know ayahuasca and everything and my concern is that they're swearing by it it's helping them you know immensely and i'm like cool if it's helping you cool but can you try other things too that aren't changing your brain chemistry from the outside in but rather from the inside out i think there's a couple of other things around that one is that if it's not if it's not a you know in a hospital or a lab under like proper supervision with qualified people then a how do you know how pure the source of whatever you're taking is um you know in the 60s there were so many bad like lsd trips that happened to people so what happens if something goes wrong and there's no one trained there that can help you neuroplasticity as i remember we discussed before is not always good it can be bad you know you obsess over a breakup you're just wiring into your brain you stay in it for years there's grief yes and so can these psychedelics do that as well they can keep you trapped in a depressive state they can even like yeah like they can make things more negative because how do you know where that mushroom or whatever it is that you're taking is going to induce neuroplasticity in your brain How are you directing that if you've got no experience of that?

24:28So that is a bit of a concern. When they did the ayahuasca research at Johns Hopkins, they used the pure ayahuasca. When you do it in ceremony, it's mixed with something that makes you purge. Makes you throw up and feel sick. And have diarrhea potentially as well. So the purging. I don't want that. I know. Who wants to go through that? It completely puts me off. some people don't mind it so much but it's it's done because it symbolizes a massive release yes and that's part of and a rebirth yes exactly

25:04i think for a lot of people especially those who are playing the field and experiencing different people and whatever there is a kind of being single is this dopaminogenic cycle and it and And it's hard to get off that cycle because you're kind of wired, you're wired for it now. You're wired for instant gratification. You're wired for variety and excitement and what next. And the dramas of the first few weeks of knowing someone and the romance of like just figuring each other out. And all of that is like and texts and phone buzzing and, you know, this and that. And this person's now called. And it's like a frantic sort of dopamine engine that you get stuck in.

25:52And at a certain point, you have to come to value something else more. Because otherwise, and this happens, of course, routinely, is people get locked into that cycle. And it was clear to me at a certain point, oh, this happiness doesn't lie here for me. Anxiety lies here for me. Uncertainty. Uncertainty is having an effect on the way I see the world or myself. This is not going to serve me long term. But just because you realize that, it doesn't mean that you immediately have an appreciation of what the other thing is. Or that you even know what it looks like. Or what package it comes in. or you don't know any of those things.

26:47And so there's a whole chapter I wrote in this book that I'm really insanely proud of because I think it's so on the money of what's happening for so many people. It's called Never Satisfied. And that I think is the feeling. I explain the steps of why it is we struggle to be satisfied. And the next chapter is how to rewire your brain so that you can actually rewire yourself for happiness. because I know for a long time I was that never satisfied. In relationships or just? Yeah, my love life. I think in life too, right? Right, right. But in my love life, I was just chasing, chasing, chasing, chasing, chasing.

27:28Dopamine, dopamine. I'm not happy. I need to get out of this relationship. I'm single. Dopamine, dopamine. I'm not happy here. You know, like there must be some perfect person who's going to make me feel differently about this whole thing. And I'm going to feel different when I meet that person. And that person didn't come because it wasn't really about that. Something was going on with me. I was in that cycle. And the other thing that is available to you is so, I don't want to, this isn't a lecture on whether someone should be single or in a relationship. So I don't want to become that person.

28:07Sure, sure. But what is so amazing about a healthy relationship is not available to you until you come to value something different. It's like someone who's been used to doing drugs every day. and then the day that you that you get them to quit drugs you sit them outside their house in front of a beautiful field and you say appreciate the sunset yeah there's no dopamine rush anymore a sunset is a mate like a sunset is an awe-inspiring yes unbelievable thing it's something that you just mind-blowing why do we all go on holiday and everyone at the same time goes out onto the beach and watches the sunset because there's something stunning and magical about a sunset but for the person who's been doing drugs every day that's not the day you can appreciate a sunset you you are coming out of all of those feelings that you've been addicted to and all of that like instant gratification dopamine so it's about like again it's nervous system stuff, right?

29:27It's retraining my nervous system. And this is some of the stuff we talk about in how to rewire your brain, but it's, you have to orient yourself towards a different goal. And in the beginning, you can't expect the new thing to feel like the old thing. Cause it's not, it's not going to feel like the old thing, but the more you lean into the new thing, it you develop an appreciation for how much better it actually feels and that's like a kind of stunning and eye-opening realization um and i'm i feel really passionate about this because i see a lot of really unhappy people i was one of them by the way who are stuck in those cycles and And I think there's a lot of people who get stuck in optimization cycles in their love life.

30:24Where it's like, especially Taipei people. Not everyone does, but a lot of people do. Where it's like, I'm trying to find the perfect thing. And if someone's missing this thing, I'm going to optimize. And go for another person who's got all the good things about this person. And also that thing. And it's like, people don't work like that. You exchange one basket of ingredients for another basket of ingredients and you'll get new good stuff and new bad stuff and challenging stuff. And I'm a huge believer. I think the settling is a word that has a really unfairly negative connotation. And it shouldn't.

31:07There's something amazing about that word. you can change the meaning of that depending on the word that goes after it. So if you say, if you tell someone you have to settle for something, that feels immediately negative, right? It's like settling down. Yeah, because I feel like I'm being shortchanged. But if you say settling on something, that changes it. Because you, Lewis, settled on a particular business and brand. yes you you're such a capable person you could have done a hundred different things in this lifetime and you would have been a success at them right so how the hell do you decide which one you should do you found one that scratched the itch in a bunch of different ways it allowed you to be creative it allowed you to broadcast which is something you're really good at it allowed you to connect which is something you're really good at it allowed you to you know harness all of these relationships which is something you're really great at is relationships it allowed you to put to work your strategy mind it allowed you to be competitive which is something that's in your bones and and so it this business it ticked a lot of boxes for you but it's not the only business that would have ticked boxes for you there are other things you could have done that would have ticked boxes but you settled on greatness yes and you said i'm gonna go all in on this and i'm gonna keep going on this and the thing that has made what you do so great and what you have done is extraordinary what you've built the the audience you've built the platforms you've built the body of work you've built it's extraordinary but it's not extraordinary because you found an extraordinary thing you didn't find the word greatness and and like you know you just went I've got the if you'd have said to me like 15 years ago we didn't know each other then but when you started if you'd have said to me Matt I've got the greatest idea I am going to take the word greatness and I am going to just own that world and a word and build a brand out of it and do all of the, I would have been like, that's not an idea.

33:20So you've taken a common word in the English language. You talk about it. You know what I mean? Like, but that's not what's made this extraordinary. What's made this extraordinary is that you have settled on it and you keep, you take this thing to another level every year. And people who are looking at you going, there's, you've got a lot of, I've, I've, I've walked with you in the street in Vegas on holiday in places on when we've traveled, you have people coming up to you everywhere you go. And you're a hero to so many people. And so many people want to create what you've created or want to be where you are.

33:57but you didn't you didn't start with this really special thing you spent year after year after year making a really special thing and every year i see you take the same core thing and stick with it again yeah not go you know what now what i really want to do is now i really want to do real estate yeah i'm over this i'm going to move on yeah the greater yeah it's not that's not it for you you're like i'm gonna make this thing even better i think that's how people should approach relationships and that's my point is that you settle when the thing that makes a relationship the greatest relationship of your life is that you take someone who ticks the boxes for you and that's the starting point but then based on the values you each bring and i think there are some very powerful values for a relationship, like being growth oriented, like teamwork, like loyalty, like prioritizing the vision of the relationship.

34:59I think when you take those things and you put those two people like that together, what they start with is not nearly as interesting as what they will create together. And you can only create that if you settle on a person, but you will never settle on a person as long as you are looking for the perfect person as a starting point because the perfect relationship doesn't exist at the beginning but the perfect relationship for you can exist over time if you settle on someone and you resolve to make that relationship as good as it can possibly be and that's why i get i get so excited about my relationship because i'm like It's amazing right now.

35:44It's going to be even better in six months. Right. Because we're building something together. Martha says that to me all the time. She's like, how do I love you even more today than I did last week? And I think it's because we're both focused on growing ourselves individually and growing the relationship together. And I'm sure there's going to be adversities and challenges we face, but us facing it together makes us even more connected and appreciate each other even more. And there's something even fun about that. When you know you're an amazing team, there's even something fun about knowing that there's going to be challenges and how you're going to solve those as a team because you're a killer team.

36:21Absolutely. Even that, there's something exciting about it. Absolutely. So, you know, I think we almost have to pay attention to some of these ideas we have about love and relationships. You know, the way we use words like settling. Are you settling for someone or are you settling on someone? That will change. If you settle for someone, you'll become passive and resentful in that relationship. If you see it like you settled on someone, of any choice you could have made, you chose this person. And because you chose it, you're going to lean into it and you're going to make it as great as it can possibly be, that relationship.

36:59That will change the way you approach relationships. The same is true of the word commitment. This is amazing. This is such a fantastic example of the point I'm making. If you look up, I think it's in Apple dictionary. I don't know how it's reflected in the Oxford dictionary, but if you go on your Mac and you type in the word commitment, there are two different definitions that come out. Really, what does it say? one is a uh i think it reads and people can go and look for themselves and get the exact wording right but one of them says roughly a obligation that restricts freedom of action wow right now if you you give me someone that has that as their definition of commitment and i'll show you someone who has a hard time ever being in a relationship.

37:51But there's another definition of commitment under that one. And it says commitment, dedication to a cause. Now, when you think of dedication to a cause, it creates a completely different energy in your body. I'm dedicated to this cause. I'll fight for this cause. I'll do anything for this cause. Like there's something heroic about that. I'm dedicated to the cause of our relationship, of our future, of our vision, of where we're going. There's something stunningly beautiful about that. Dedication to a cause. An obligation that restricts freedom. One is about shrinking your world. And the other one enlarges it.

38:44There are so many people out there struggling with the idea of committing. Whether it's to a business, an idea, a path, a country, a person, a new sport. And your definitions around these words, the way you choose to see them is going to determine your ability to stay with something, to invest in something. And I think that's so fascinating. I really do. Yeah. This is big, man. There's so many more questions I want to ask you, but I want people to get the book because I know you're going to answer a lot of these questions in here as well. Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What.