Why You're Still Playing Small (And How to Stop) | Emmanuel Acho

23:54Like, yo, criticism comes with it.

23:56Lewis Howes:Here's the funny thing, not to cut you off, is that you're going to be criticized at the top or criticized for doing nothing. So you might as well do something you enjoy. Because if you're sitting on the couch and you have all this potential, but you don't do something, the people closest to you are going to say, what are you doing? This person has so much potential. Give me their potential. I could do something great with this, but they're just sitting on their couch depressed, worried about people's thoughts or opinions. There's a price either way. You got to pay it either way. You got to pay it either way.

24:25Lewis Howes:Maybe it's greater price as you're climbing and dealing with the more attention, but there's a price either way. You know what else, man? And I've realized this too and it's hit me in the face. You can't call for attention and hang up. Yeah, someone look at me. Oh, but always say nice things about me. You can't, you can't. And whether we intentionally call for attention or we don't, you can't call for attention and hang up. Like the boy who cried woof, like us in our friend groups, like a child in a house cries and cries. Mother asks, what's wrong? Father asks, what's wrong? Nothing. then what are you crying for?

25:00You can't call for attention and hang up. And so I think there's just a lot of learning and discovering that I'm doing on this journey.

25:11Lewis Howes:Yeah. The emotional regulation, it's funny, I was just interviewing a neuroscientist slash brain surgeon. He's an expert in both areas. So he studies the brain and the mind, right? The thoughts. And after this two-hour conversation, the whole thing came down to the number one skill to have is the ability to emotionally regulate your feelings and how thoughts the brain and the mind are connected to feelings and the ability to emotionally regulate them not saying that you're not going to have wide range of emotions but the ability to regulate under pressure under stress so that you can get into flow that you can get back to your mission, your vision, and not be in chaos mode.

25:56Lewis Howes:You can defend yourself rationally, essentially, in times of chaos. And he said, that's kind of what it comes down to. If I could teach a skill, it'd be the skill of emotional regulation. And I think the farther we try to strive to unlock our potential, the more we need to learn that because the more people are going to be coming at us, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah. One, I think that's a phenomenal thought. I think it was Michael Jordan's trainer who said, emotions are dangerous, but controlled anger. It's like a controlled aggression is like the most dangerous of all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Tim Grover?

26:33Lewis Howes:Yes, Tim Grover. He's great. It's like the most dangerous of all. Because being emotional and reacting, you're going to foul out. You're going to do something stupid. Correct. Which I did many times in multiple sports. And then you learn the lesson, oh, my emotional reaction gets me on the bench or hurts my team. And you know what's interesting? We're talking sports, but this is a life conversation. Yeah, it's life. Because while you can say foul out literally, figuratively speaking, if you're at the grocery store and then you get upset and then you get emotional and then you get into it with the cashier emotionally fouling out.

27:06If you're talking to a friend and then you get into it with your friend and then you say something you shouldn't have emotionally fouling out, relationship oriented. If you're talking to somebody and you're dating and then you get into it. So we're talking a sports conversation, but it is the controlling of your mind. But to me, bro, everything starts with the mind. Both our greatest limitations and our greatest accomplishments. To me, it's all up here.

27:31Lewis Howes:Absolutely. What has been the biggest, you talked about living a life without failure or fear of failure. Living a life without failure. What is the biggest fear for you in the last couple of years then? And now that you've, let's call it broken through, right? You were already really successful. I mean, you're an NFL player and had a career in sports TV and all these things, but broken through to a different level. What is now the greatest fear? That's why I like talking to you. I like talking to you. My biggest fear is becoming complacent. My biggest fear is not realizing I'm living inside of a box that is around me.

28:15My biggest fear is not realizing, hey, there's a door you haven't yet opened. And what you think is a world is actually just a locker that you are inside of. One of my greatest, one of my favorite scenes of any movie is the end of Men in Black. I believe it's Men in Black 1. And at the end of the movie, they open up a locker and they open up the locker and they realize there's an entire other world out there. They thought they were living in their world, but there's such a bigger world out there. And my greatest fear is not pushing beyond a boundary because I don't even realize the boundary is set because I didn't set it because somebody else set it.

28:52And I've been living inside of somebody else's box or somebody else's boundary. The reason we don't achieve our highest highs, bro, isn't because we're not skilled. It isn't because we're not talented. It isn't even necessarily because we don't want it. It's because we don't realize how high we could achieve. I think that's the biggest limiting reactant, realizing our highs. One of my favorite stories, if not my favorite story, story of Roger Bannister. Four Minute Mile. Four Minute Mile. For those that aren't familiar, Roger Bannister. Scientists believed it was physically impossible, impossible to run a mile in under four minutes.

29:30Quick history lesson for everybody. That's my favorite story. Scientists believe it's physically impossible to run a mile in under four minutes. May 5th, 1952. It had never been done in 2 ,000 years. But by May 6th, Roger Bannister, Oxford, England, runs a mile, 3 minutes, 59 seconds. Within two years, 10 people ran a mile in under four minutes. Now, the world record for the mile, 3 minutes, 43 seconds, and roughly 1 ,800 people have done so. Why? Because one man, Roger Bannister, removed the barriers that other people set around him. One man said, you know what? I'm not going to subscribe to that barrier.

30:09One man said, I'm not going to subscribe to goals. One man said, I'm not going to subscribe to that. And he broke the dam open for everybody. And after that dam was broken for everybody, the whole rest of the running world proceeded to run through it. So my biggest fear, bro, is living inside of a box that somebody else set before me.

30:31Lewis Howes:So if you don't have goals to break or reach, what are you reaching for? like what's beyond a barrier that you're not trying to accomplish? For me, I'm reaching for movement. Okay. That's all it is. I'm reaching for progress. I'm moving forward. I'm moving forward. So it's not reaching an end goal. No, it's moving. Yes. It's moving forward, man. Like you, you're going to do another episode tomorrow, and hopefully it's better than today, and then the next tomorrow, and hopefully it's better than that day, and then you're just going to keep moving. Like let's not get so bogged down by, but I didn't get this.

31:08Oh, but I got that. Just keep moving forward. When you go to a beach and you end up standing in the ocean, eventually after about five minutes, you'll look back and be like, yo, I done drifted way far away. And you just drifted further than you ever thought. That's where I'm at now. Let's keep moving forward. We get so caught up in, I want to be married by 26, and I want to have two kids, and I want to have bought my first home by 29, and by 35, I want to be done having kids and I want to have four kids, two boys, two girls, preferably twins, because that would be easiest. Bump all that. Forget all that goal setting.

31:50Goals lead to failure. I want to live the most impactful and significant life I can possibly live. And if I happen to live that life with somebody else, great. And if I don't, great. And at 35, I want to see where I am. And at 30, I want to see where I am. And I want to just continue to move forward and make progress as a human being. But at the end of the day, bro, the reason we have these goals isn't even because of us. It's because of other people. This blew my mind. This blew my mind. And you're a sports guy, so this might blow yours as well. This truly blew my mind. We often debate LeBron James, Michael Jordan,

32:29Lewis Howes:greatest basketball player of all time. Who do you say, sir? I mean, I'm from Ohio, so I go for LeBron. Go for LeBron. I just saw LeBron last night too play. So, right, let me blow this Michael Jordan, LeBron James debate open for a second. For those that claim Jordan's the greatest basketball play ever, they claim it primarily for this reason. He went to six NBA championships and he won six. But outside of those six NBA championships, Jordan never went back to an NBA finals. He won six times and he won all six times. LeBron, on the other hand, has gone 10 times and he's only won four. He's more like Tom Brady.

33:07Gone 10, won 4. Jordan went 6, won 6 times. Okay, great. Now let's talk about the same exact sport, basketball. Let's talk about the same exact result, first place and or second place, Jordan and LeBron. But now let's talk about a different measuring system, a different metric system, the Olympic Games. In the Olympic Games, Michael Jordan would have six golds, no silvers. LeBron would have four golds and six silvers. On an Olympic scale, four golds and six silvers is abundantly and clearly greater than six golds. But in the NBA scale, six golds is better. So the question simply comes down to whose metric system are you using?

33:47Right. And the problem is we let other people's metric systems dictate the happiness in our life. Because in the NBA, you finish in second, you leave the court crying and weeping, devastated. The Olympic Games, you finish in second. To a degree, you're elated, depending on what country. Why? Because somebody else dictated how we should feel about a certain situation based upon their metric system, not even our own.

34:12Lewis Howes:Absolutely. And I'm just done subscribing to other people's metric systems. I go to the Olympics, that's an accomplishment. I go to the Olympics and get a bronze, I'm like, I medaled. I'm one of the three best in the world at what I do. Exactly. But in the NBA, you get third in the NFL, you finish in third. In the MLB, you finish in third or fourth. You're like, you're petrified. You're distraught. And I've realized, bro, we just subscribe to other people's metric systems. And we let it dictate our happiness. Now tell me, okay, I love this approach. I love the philosophy and the mindset. But for someone watching or listening who's like, okay, but I really want to accomplish some goals to feel like I'm accomplishing something because I want it to build my, because it's always built my confidence when I do accomplish.

34:53Lewis Howes:But I hear you say, but if you don't accomplish this, is they gotta hurt your self-esteem. So how do we, if someone's like, I wanna write a book this year, do I set a goal to write a book or is it a journey of writing the book? Do I create micro goals on a weekly basis and have accountability? You know, there's gonna be deadlines. Or, you know, how do we think about the process of like completing a project, launching something we wanna launch, doing our artwork, creating our music, whatever it might be. Mm hmm. How do we then set these things and make them happen? Right. So I got my master's in sports psychology and I dedicated my final thesis paper, if you will, for my master's degree to this concept.

35:35I elaborate and expound on this concept in a logical, but I will give you a snippet because I studied goals so long. I understand there is a use for goals when you are talking about the micro in order to accomplish something. there is a use for goals in a relay race to stick in Olympic sport of track and field. It does not matter how fast we run if we do not get the baton around. So the micro goal needs to be to get the baton around. When I say don't set goals, have an objective with no limitations, I'm talking about a larger principle of life. When you're talking about macro things such as, hey, I just want to write a book.

36:13In the macro of writing a book, sure. Say, I want to finish a chapter on Monday and I want to finish my I want to write a chapter every week, every Monday. If you have a employer who's like, hey, we need this done by this date. Well, within that stance, there is a means to set a goal. You talked about talking to the neuroscientist. You mentioned this pivotal word flow in order to achieve flow. Flow is simply when you no longer are conscious of time in the midst of a task. In order to achieve flow, you need automatic feedback, autonomous feedback. In order to get that feedback, you need to set goals.

36:48So there are principles, objectives in life within micro constructs where goals have value. I'm talking about the macro look of life where goals will do more damage than they will success. Or at least goals will just be a limiting reactive. Gotcha. Because I always think, what if Roger Bannister wasn't just trying to break the four-minute mile? How much faster could he have gone? You never know. He went 359.8. He broke it barely. Literally two tenths of a second was the difference. How much faster could he have gone? Maybe no faster, but maybe. If my goal, Lewis, was to write a book, I would have wrote a book.

37:28I wouldn't have wrote the second one. And I might not have written the third one. So that's where I'm thinking, like, bigger picture. I just want to see people be the best version of themselves.

37:40Lewis Howes:So how do we, I mean, people are going to fail. But you're saying to reframe failure? or to not even look at failure as an option. Because if you don't set the goal, you can't fail in that sense. Bingo. I thought about this the other time. I don't think people fail. What I say is this, and I thought about this. I didn't fail, I fell. And as long as I get up, I win. Ooh, yeah. Like a child. A child falls hundreds and thousands of times, and they never think to themselves, maybe this walking thing isn't for me. Dude. They fall and they get up. We didn't fail. We fell. As long as you get up, you win.

38:18The winning isn't getting up. So many people think they failed. They didn't fail. They stopped. You stopped. You didn't fail. You just fell. Fell. And you just never got up. That's it. A relationship didn't work. You didn't fail at that relationship. You didn't fail in that relationship. Job, you got fired. You didn't fail. You fell. Get up. You'll look back. You win as long as you get up. So when people keep talking about failure, I don't subscribe to that, but I don't subscribe to goals because ultimately to fail is to put a period where a comma belongs. I ain't doing that no more, big dog. Dot, dot, dot.

38:56Lewis Howes:Exactly. To be continued. I'm putting periods where commas belong anymore. And then we do that too often in our life. It's like, ah, this relationship ended, period. No, this relationship ended. I found somebody who was more suitable for me who I am more suitable for and I now ended up significantly happier than I was. That's a good way to look at it. You know, looking at, I mean, I feel like it took me a long time to learn how to walk in relationships. I was just falling and wobbling all over the place. You know, I just needed some coordination sooner. But it took me a while to be able to look back and learn the lesson.

39:28Lewis Howes:And I feel like I'm in a much more stable place. You know, I have coordination with my body now in relationships in terms of walking. And some people learn faster in certain areas of life. But it's not about giving up on love, giving up on your career or your books or your message or your art. It's about learning. A friend of mine posted this video. His name is Devin Rodriguez. He got big on TikTok. I think he's got like 30 million followers in the last two years. He started drawing people on subways in New York City. And he would just see them. He would draw them and hand them a sketch. And people would be blown away.

40:05Lewis Howes:He did a video recently where he started learning in 2010 how to draw. And he posted a photo from 2010 to 2020 every year, his work. And it was ugly the first five years. I mean, you'd throw it away. It was so bad, right? It was like a five-year-old sketch. It was like something I would do right now. It's about how I draw. But now it looks like you take a photo of someone and he can draw it perfectly. But it took him 10 years to master the skill. He didn't fail the first five years, seven years. He fell forward by kept improving. I think it's a beautiful lesson you're talking about. Don't think of it as failure.

40:44Lewis Howes:Think of it as falling. Bro, and so many people in our life, even our loved ones, want to tell us that we failed. And we begin to believe them. And that's the problem. We've all committed to believing the lie that we have failed in life. We failed in our school. We failed in our relationships. We failed in our jobs. We haven't actually failed. But if you believe and listen to a lie long enough, you will be convinced that it's the truth. Yeah. And what I now practice is detangling so many of the lies that we've been told over time, deconstructing so many of the thoughts that we've believed over time, because it's those thoughts and it's those lies that bog us down.

41:32Lewis Howes:Yeah. And, bro, this also blew my mind. The Mona Lisa. I went to Paris last summer. I went to Paris, went to the Louvre. And, bro, you been to Louvre? I think I went to the outside. I didn't go inside. Yeah. So I'm in the loop and there's art everywhere. There's art on the ceiling. There's freaking art on the walls, art on the left side. There's art everywhere. As I'm walking through this, you know, hundreds of acres seemingly, I see a huge long line. For the Mona Lisa. I don't know yet. I don't know. So I'm like, what in the heck is this line for? There's art everywhere, y 'all. Why y 'all stand in the line and see a piece of art?

42:09Lewis Howes:Just look left. I turn a corner, huge line for the Mona Lisa. I was like, I ain't waiting in the line, so I'm going to just walk by and see. I look at it. It's nice. It's nice. It's a painting. It's a painting. Painted somewhere from 1503 to 1518, I believe historians suggest. You realize if the Mona Lisa were painted today, it might go to garage sale for$20. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. But why? Because the Mona Lisa back then depicted a pale woman with thin lips and a large forehead. And that was the depiction of beauty back then. depiction of beauty in 2022, sun-kissed skin, thin waist, nice build. But why, bro, do we subscribe to a definition of beauty that somebody else set?

42:55Because you can never catch it. The definition of beauty in the 1500s, vastly different than the definition of beauty now. What was beautiful then, we don't value now. What we value now, we don't value then. But either way, we didn't even set it back to, Why do we let such insignificant people have significance in our lives? And man, I'm just like, what all are we believing that we just don't need to?

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44:10Lewis Howes:Visit Strayer.edu to learn more. No-cost Gen Eds provided by Strayer University affiliate Sophia Learning. Eligibility rules apply. Connect with Strayer University for details. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by SHEV and has many campuses, including at 2121 15 Street North in Arlington, Virginia. So what would you say people can do to build self-confidence if they're doubting themselves? What are some things, if it's not setting and accomplishing goals, what can we do to build it? Well, like you just said, self-confidence starts with self. And I think, and this is what I will tell, I will share, I believe you and I have had this conversation either off or on the on or off the record.

44:59June 9th, 2020. Get that call from Oprah. And when Oprah calls me, she says these words. Well, OK, true story. Let me not lie to you.

45:08Lewis Howes:I missed the call. Yeah. Oprah and Oprah and I did a conversation on Apple TV. Uncomfortable conversations meets the Oprah conversation. I missed the call. Oprah's right hand woman rushes in. Hey, great job, Emmanuel. But I think Oprah called you. I scurry to call her back. I call her. this is what she says you have the thing my friend you have the thing and coming from someone who had the thing and has the thing you my friend you have the thing so i'm like yo oh oprah just told me i have just anointed me with the thing so what is the thing she said you have an ability to communicate with people difficult truth and they still want to hear you so what would my advice be to people who are trying to get that confidence without setting goals i would tell them what oprah told me.

45:49You have the thing. The question is, what is the thing? What is the ability that you are uniquely skilled, gifted, and or excel at? We all have it. I promise you, you have it because we all do. Your thing might be an incredible painter. Your thing might be simply being a servant, a great listener. Your thing might be being great with kids. Your thing might be being great with animals. You might be great with secretarial tasks. You might be a skilled mathematician, but you have the thing. So for those that are lacking confidence, you don't need to set a goal to know that you're skilled. You just need to believe that you're skilled and you need to figure out what is it that you were skilled at.

46:29I shared this story today on my social media, but you're my boy. Let me share it now. 2014, I'd been released by the Eagles for the fifth time. By them or by the Eagles? Holy cow. How do they keep bringing you back? They cut me. They would sign me back. They cut me. They would sign me back. Oh my gosh, man. They cut me, bro, the Eagles cut me for the fifth time by the age of 24. When I got cut this time, my coach, Southern Draw Accent, he said this. He called me E. He said, E, I wish I could buy stock in your future. I was like, huh? He said, I wish I could buy stock in your future. I said, Coach, you wish you could buy stock in my future?

47:10You all just released me for the fifth time. That's crazy. In the last two years, and I'm not even 25 yet. Fast forward seven years, eight years, I realized what he was saying. He saw in me what I hadn't even seen in myself, not as a football player, but as a person. My coach texted me about three months ago, and he said, stock price is too high now. Oh, that's pretty cool. And so what I would just tell people is like, man, I wish I could buy stock in your future. because my coach saw in me what I didn't see in myself. And I think sometimes it's our job to see in people what they don't even see in themselves.

47:53Lewis Howes:You know, what's interesting is we should be reinvesting in our own stock daily and like pouring back into ourselves, buying into ourselves so that we appreciate over time. The more we do that by acquiring skills or learning how to heal traumas of the past or mending friendships or forgiving people or being consistent with the habits that help us live a better life, we will ultimately be more valuable in the future. Correct. So start investing now. That's it. Investing in yourself and learn to fall in love with yourself. Absolutely. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest form of self-love, 1 being the lowest form of self-love, where are you on that scale?

48:43Lewis Howes:if you stripped your ego away and the shell and you looked within your heart and you said I love myself unconditionally this much on the spectrum of 1 to 10 where would you be at? a 6 and a half where were you 2 years ago? huh pre-uncom

49:04Lewis Howes:an 8 ok so you loved yourself more before you love yourself now Why? I believe that... This is interesting. Expectations minus reality equals disappointment. Expectations minus reality equals disappointment. You didn't have expectations before that. No, man. Before Uncomfortable, there was no expectations. Not by the world. I had my own expectations, but the world had no expectation of me. Now, my expectations are freaking through the roof. Now you're number one bestseller. You've won an Emmy. You got a show. Sit down with you. Expectations are through the roof. So now I've gotten harder on myself.

49:49Because you and I spoke about this in our off-camera combos. It was just as good as our on-camera combos. It's so hard to maintain excellence. It will keep you up at night. It will take years off of your life. It will cause you to burst blood vessels in your vocal cords, which I have. it is so hard unbelievably hard to try to maintain excellence and that is why i'd say it's at a six and a half because i'm just hard on myself now wow and i'm hard on everybody around me now i believe that the fun isn't winning you know my coach told me the fun isn't winning i've never met too many happy people that don't win you say the fun is or is not fun is isn't my coach linebacker no one's having fun losing all day.

50:38Nobody. And so it's at a six and a half because I'm just. But you're winning. You're winning more than two years ago.

50:46Lewis Howes:Yes. But bro. And again, Will Smith. You've got three books in two years, an Emmy, massive press over the world, massive social media following. You're changing lives. You're impacting people. You're spreading your voice to the world. The biggest fear and you love yourself less. The biggest fear, dude, isn't in non attaining and not attaining. The biggest fear is in having it and losing it. So how do we let go of that? How do we let go of that fear? Well, to let go of that fear, what are you going to lose? What could you lose? In theory, reputation, right? You could lose reputation. You could lose emotional comfort.

51:28You could lose financial stability, emotional stability, and thus you could ultimately lose spiritual stability. And then what?

51:35Lewis Howes:You lose it all, then what? Honestly, it probably wouldn't be all that bad. Where were you five years ago? Where was I two and a half years ago? Exactly, man. You were fine. You were an eight. Honestly, here's the thing. Now, what you're saying, this is a powerful conversation. What you're saying is with success, you love yourself less. Yes, twist. I would say that my highs are high and my lows are low. My highs are significantly higher. And my lows are lower. And I think that is what lands you. Bro, two and a half years ago, just chilling. Not much good, not much bad. Just here. Now, Emmy. There's more stakes.

52:17Lewis Howes:Solitude. Number one bestseller. Isolation. Oh, man. It's just, it fluctuates. So how do we become the Tom Brady's of life? You know, where it's just more even keel. Well, here's what's interesting. Let's not be bamboozled by Brady. Oh, yeah, he could be emotional. Well, here's why I say let's not be bamboozled by Brady. If you are married to someone for 22 years and then you file for divorce and you go back within two months, there's an issue either internally with you or you didn't think through your decision. Tom Brady was married to the game of football for 22 years. Right. Divorced the game of football.

52:59Lewis Howes:Now he's coming back. And then within two months was like, you know what? Give me this football back. It makes me wonder, like, how happy was Brady without it? Clearly not. Maybe he just wasn't done. Sure. I mean, he can still play at the highest level. He's still one of the best in the game. But the question that you just asked me is what I would ask him is, like, would you still, okay, what happens if you don't play? What happens if you lose it? Right? Like, yeah, I think Brady's greatest accomplishment was walking away playing at the highest level. No top five or top ten player in the history of American sports has done that.

53:38None. The late, great Kobe Bryant, one of your best interviews on this show, the late, great Kobe Bryant, his last year he played 60 games out of 82. Second to last year he played 35 out of 82.

53:47Lewis Howes:His last game, however, went crazy. Was a banger. 60 points on 40 shots. It was a banger. He went out on top there. Went crazy. Phenomenal. But the Kobe's last three years. Wasn't a championship, yeah. He was just hurt. I mean, think about our greatest of greats, Peyton Manning. albeit his team won a Super Bowl. He was hurt. So I think you go out on top. But I think back to the crux of that conversation, there's a dichotomy of success. And I love what Oprah says, and I believe she says it best. You can have everything, but you can't have it all at once. Can't have all of what, though? Because I feel like you can be healthy.

54:30Lewis Howes:You can be fulfilled. You can have love in your heart. You can have a beautiful relationship. And you can be on your journey of a fulfilling life mission. Yes. So what does it mean you can't have it all? I mean, I can't, what? I don't know, what is this all? I think all is, in the context of which he's speaking, is like, there are no, there are no, what was I saying? It's like, okay, having it all is like, if you want to be the best media mogul. Yes, you can't also be a full-time traveling musician or something or like an athlete. Or even like Tom Brady, you can't be the greatest quarterback of all time and also be the greatest husband.

55:13Something's got to give. Only 24 hours in a day. So the time you are putting towards football, you're taking away from your kids. The time you're giving your kids, you're taking away from football. Like something has to give. And so when I think about it, it's like something's got to give.

55:28Lewis Howes:Well, I mean, if you've been, I don't know Brady's life or what is going on there, but if you've given so much to one thing for decades and you've built momentum, you don't ride on it, but you've laid the groundwork. So maybe you can have more time for family or other things, downtime, once you've done 20 years of effort to master your skill. So there might be, you know, at a certain point, you can transition into, okay, I know I have more time with friends or family or whatever it is. I don't know, his personal life. So maybe not all at once, but I think. Correct. But it's an interesting exploration.

56:07Absolutely. It's an interesting exploration of so many people when they hang it up, retire from their profession. I just want to spend more time with my spouse and my kids.

56:16Lewis Howes:I mean, Oprah hung it up, right? I mean, she stopped her show and transitioned into different shows and projects. And now, you know, she'll do three, four conversations a year. She'll produce a couple things. She's got her ample show, right? Correct. Whenever she wants to do it, I guess. But she, you know, when she was banging out her show 260 days a year, I mean, just going, going, going. But I think even she would admit, like, and her and I spoke last week. I think even she would admit like didn't have the same level of downtime didn't have the same peace about life didn't have that same tranquility even your grind in a way dude I'm in the grind phase right now you're in the grind phase you just finished one conversation you having another conversation but at one point at one point I see a evolution you know and it's been evolving over the last nine years and I see a evolution of when you bring in an amazing team and you're able to systematize and you're able to create other parts of a network and shows.

57:16Lewis Howes:It doesn't have to be you grinding in the same area. Correct. You can evolve. I can't wait for that. You know what I mean? It's like, if you wanted to do ten more books, you're not going to be the one that has to write them all yourself. You can have support. A ghostwriter to help with you or an editor or something, so it's not just all you. You can evolve beyond it. Correct. But there is a period of time where we must go all in on something. Lay the foundation. Absolutely. For years. If you want to do anything at a high level, you've got to obsess over something, you know, an instrument, your art, your craft, whatever it might be.

57:47Lewis Howes:So 100 % agree that you can't have it all. I can't be the greatest public speaker in the world and a media host and this and playing the guitar and touring around the world or whatever. It's like, but I feel like you can have your all. So then it comes down to if people's all, like my all right now is significance. People say, Emmanuel, how'd you get so successful? I don't care about success. I care about significance. What does that mean? Impact. Being God. Impact. But significance, I feel like, when I think of significance, it's me being significant. As opposed to being of service and creating significance in the world.

58:27I'd say they're the same. Why would I say they're the same? Is you being of service is significant to you. Sure. Like, for example, it was 2014. I'm laying in my bed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I'm playing for the Eagles at the time. and these words came into my head and I never was able to shake them. And I literally, I end illogical with this. That's the last thing in the book. My desire is to inspire those to go higher, past the required. So those I admire can also admire whom they've inspired before they expire. Oh, that's beautiful. And it was like, I was like, wait a second. I was laying in there and it was literally what you just said, impact, significance.

59:02My desire is to inspire those to go higher, past the required. So those they admire can also admire whom they inspire before they expire. I was like, that's my life. I didn't come up with it. It was imprinted onto my heart. My true desire, I just want to inspire people to be a better version of themselves so that the people who admire me, I can admire them before I get up out of here. Wow. So you mentoring or supporting others, you can go. Yeah, exactly. Dude, one of my favorite things is when people are like, I saw your uncomfortable conversations and I use that and we've now built a curriculum around it at our job.

59:44That's cool. I'm like, y 'all admired me for sitting down and having these conversations. Now in turn, I'm admiring you for having conversations based upon a conversation I had. That's cool. I'm like, that, bro, is my deepest desire.

1:00:00Lewis Howes:Now here's my, I'm gonna get back to this because I want to put a bow around this topic of self-love. what's it going to take for you or anyone as they start to break through certain levels of success or accomplishment or whatever they might be looking for? What's it going to take for people to increase their level of self-love with criticism, with the weight of gold, as the Olympians call it? I don't know if you've seen that documentary, The Weight of Gold. Powerful about how Olympians, not all, some of them get extremely depressed after they accomplish the gold medal or the Olympics. Some even commit suicide and these different things because what's next and I'm living from this past now as opposed to something greater for myself So how can we when we accomplish when we succeed when we get recognition significance?

1:00:51Lewis Howes:Develop deeper sense of self-love as opposed to you go from an eight to a six and a half Not saying it's bad or something But how do you stay at an eight or improve as you make more impact in the world as you? accomplish more and have more that you've received that's my question for you on how you can do that personally and how we can support others in doing that as they accomplish i think it's a constant journey i'd be lying if there was an answer i think it's a constant journey and again i've referenced it so many times but i felt so seen in reading will's book because he was like i was my own drill sergeant his own drill sergeant and i think it's a constant journey man of trying to say like, hey, it's okay to fall.

1:01:34It's okay if one of your books don't best sell. It's okay if a conversation doesn't go as great as you thought. It's okay if this date didn't go as great as you thought. It's okay if this relationship ends. It's okay if this job isn't for you. It's okay. And I think it's that constant exploration of saying like, yo, it's okay not to be okay. And what you just said is like, dude, what happens if you lose it all? You're back where you were two years ago. And I think... Well, you're an eight. Self-love. I think it's reconciling that. I think it's reconciling, like, let go of that fear of failure.

1:02:17Because that's why I stopped setting goals is to let go of that. But now it's like, now that you've achieved, it's okay. Just, to me, again, it's just a matter of like, hey, you've made it. But if we're being honest, there's just a dichotomy that I'm figuring out along this a lot.

1:02:39Lewis Howes:I think this will be powerful for you over the next few years or whenever you figure this out to share with me or share with your audience how people can accomplish, achieve, and have the responsibility of success and continue to have immense self-love. and I think it comes for me what I've learned is letting go of the expectation of the accomplishments you know my last book my first book was a New York Times bestseller and then there was an expectation I gotta make the next one a New York Times bestseller probably the same for you I gotta make this as big if not bigger and I remember going into it saying my last book I was like you know what I'm writing a book that's probably not gonna be the biggest thing ever because it's talking about how men can be more vulnerable and it came out right when Me Too happened So I was writing this a couple years before and it came out during it.

1:03:29Lewis Howes:I was like, this could either be the biggest thing in the world or this could be like the last thought people have is how men can heal their hearts. And it did well, but didn't hit New York Times best start list. And I remember for a day, I was like, if I'm being honest, I was upset and angry and frustrated that it didn't hit the numbers, but it didn't hit the list. And then I said, what was the reason why I wanted to write this in the first place? It was to be able to help one man who might be going through mental challenges or struggles to heal and improve the quality of their relationship with their partner, their friends, their family, and then their community and the world.

1:04:02Lewis Howes:And it's been doing that. It's been continuing to do that year after year. And I'm just like, I got to keep focusing on the impact and the significance, like you call it, the service to one human being or thousands or millions, whoever wants to listen or read or consume. and when I it took a few days to kind of let that go my ego go of being hurt or frustrated or angry and when I did that I just said okay I'm going to just really appreciate the people that are reading it that are messaging me and take it in and be like wow that was impactful to that person and that's been a big game changer for me it still doesn't mean I don't want to accomplish goals and all these things and you know succeed in my own right but it letting go the expectation of it needing to look a certain way has been extremely helpful for me still loving myself, even with the success.

1:04:53Lewis Howes:And I think it's hard to do, though, because the bit you get, people expect it. You expect that part. It's the expectation. People expect it. And they'll look at you differently. Oh, why didn't it get New York Times this time? Or why didn't it do a million copies this time if it did half a million last time? Or that video, you got five million views. Why did this one get a million?

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1:06:02Lewis Howes:Visit strayer.edu to learn more. No-cost Gen Eds provided by Strayer University affiliate Sophia Learning. Eligibility rules apply. Connect with Strayer University for details. Strayer University is certified to operate in Virginia by Shev and has many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street North in Arlington, Virginia. To me, there's such a fear of, in life in general, in my mind, of other people's expectations of you. Gosh, so how do we let go of that? I've journeyed with it and at times I do well with it and at times I don't. I'll say it in story form. Mortuos, cuisphobia. Mortuos, cuisphobia.

1:06:46The fear of ketchup. True thing. Sixth grade, bro. Sixth grade. I'm at my friend's house eating a burger. And his older brother walks in and he throws something at the table. My friend runs and hides behind the chair. I'm like, what the heck just happened? I look at what his brother threw at the table and I see it was a ketchup packet. After checking on my friend, I bust a packet open. I finish eating my fries. And I was like, wait a second. I've rethought about that story and learned a lesson. We can't be afraid of other people's fears. And so often in life, we're afraid of other people's fears.

1:07:18Imagine if I would have ran and hid because of a ketchup packet like my friend did. Friend was afraid of ketchup. More true as true as phobia. I am not. But I'm not going to hide because he was hiding. And I think what I've done at times is being afraid of other people's fears. So we all do. Like we're afraid of getting into a relationship because our friends are afraid of commitment. We're afraid of getting out of that toxic relationship because our friends are afraid of being single. Well, we've never left a small city in Texas. Our parents haven't. So we're not going to. And I think the only way to get rid of that is to let go of other people's fears, let go of other people's expectations.

1:07:55because truth be told, it's other people's expectations that kind of dictate the weight of our own imagination and success. When you think about one-hit wonders in the music industry, they're one-hit wonders because we called them that. We called them a wonder and we said that song was a hit. So I think it's a matter of not being afraid of other people's fears and letting go of other people's expectations which dictate our own, man. If you could go back, when was the post you did?

1:08:27Lewis Howes:The first post? Two years ago? It was June 1st, 2020. June 1st, 2020. If you could go back the day before June 1st and have a conversation with yourself from where you are now to that day and you're about to go in and do this thing or maybe it's the morning of and you're about to put this video out that you've been thinking about and you wrote the script to or you didn't write the script I think it was all off the cuff but you've been organizing in your mind for a period of time and sit down, if you were going to literally stand face to face and have a conversation with yourself almost two years prior, what would you say before you jumped in and did this video?

1:09:06Lewis Howes:With everything you know now, what would you say? I would say two things. The first would be breathe. It's going to be okay. Because I couldn't eat that morning. I didn't say anything. I'd say breathe. It's going to be okay. And then I would say, buckle up. Your life is about to change forever. Wow. Because when I recorded that video, I lived in Austin, Texas. I now live in Los Angeles, California. When I recorded that video, I worked for another sports network. I've since switched. When I recorded that video, I had no team outside of a broadcasting agent. I now have a team of like five to ten people.

1:09:45When I recorded that video, I wasn't in partnership with Oprah. I now am. I would say buckle up, man. Your life's about to change forever. And I'd say prepare yourself because it's about to be a rollercoaster of good and bad.

1:10:01Lewis Howes:What did you need to prepare yourself? How could you have prepared yourself more? Emotionally, emotionally. I could have let go of my desire to please all people. I think it's Able Lincoln. You either please all people some of the time or some people all the time. I could have prepared myself. nobody prepares you in my mind for like how to be well known unless you're the son of somebody famous right and famous you know and it's famous relatives why i said well known nobody prepares you for that and nobody prepares you for the constant opinions of other people bro it's hard i had a depth of loneliness after i first saw you maybe a month later really in december of 2020 just depressed really yeah because thousands of people I love you thanks for the conversations but then I'm sitting in my house in Beverly Hills just by myself just you know no friends middle of the pandemic just isolated nobody prepares you for the constant comments Acho you're a sellout constant comments Acho you're a race baiter Acho you're a race grifter nobody prepares you for that so I would have told myself So buckle up.

1:11:19It's going to be tough, but it'll be worth it.

1:11:22Lewis Howes:And if you were sitting in front of yourself right now, your two-year-old self, older than today, what would you say to prepare you for these next two years? So now... Your future self. Yeah, what would it say to this self? Yes. And with everything that you've created and learned and are going to learn, and you have this experience now, your future self, what would your future self say to you? enjoy the process enjoy the process I think the biggest thing I've forgotten and I think the biggest thing so many people can forget we forget to enjoy the process we forget to enjoy the journey yes the fun isn't winning but you can still find joy in the journey win or lose and And at times, I don't enjoy the process because I'm so focused on moving that I don't enjoy where I am.

1:12:17When you have an objective without limitations, it's all about movement, man. It's all about movement. But you got to enjoy the journey. These conversations, enjoy them. Your third book. Dude, I'm the only person not named Oprah to have multiple books under the Oprah imprint. It's crazy, man. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. I didn't know Oprah 17 months ago. She would walk right by me. Now you got three books. Now I got three books. So enjoy the journey. Enjoy the process.

1:12:43Lewis Howes:I think everyone needs to hear that for sure. Illogical, saying yes to a life without limits. Emmanuel Acho. This thing is going to be inspiring. Lots of great lessons, wisdom, stories. Yeah, don't let other people's fears become your own. That's what I just opened up. So the first thing I opened up right there. So don't let other people's fears become your own. Powerful stuff, man. And I got a couple of final questions for you. I asked these the same the last time. Before I ask them, I want people to follow you on social media. You got great content over there. If you love sports and life lessons, you always have all these great moments when you're at the sports desk sharing your life lessons, which I love that stuff.

1:13:24Lewis Howes:Get the book, Illogical, Saying Yes to a Life Without Limits. Make sure you guys check this out. Get a few copies of your friends. Share with people. And if anything, when you're reading it, you get a handsome smile on the back of the book. So make sure you spread the light and love with your friends. This is called the three truths. I asked you last time, and I've got your three truths here. I'm curious if it's changed. If this was your last day and you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish, and you've lived as long as you want to live, but eventually you've got to turn the lights out, and you can't leave anything behind.

1:13:56Lewis Howes:Your message, your content, your books, there's none of this behind. So all of your words and content goes with you somewhere else. but you had three things you could share with the world, three lessons. I like to call three truths. What would you say were yours? Ooh, that's so funny because it's been what, 18 months and I don't remember what I said last time. I can't wait for this. I think my most important truth, love God, love others. I think I'll never flinch or waver on that. Love God, love Jesus, love others. That's just that's me as a man of faith. I can't wait from that. I think my second biggest truth Man, I love this and I forever loved it you're worth getting to know You're worth getting to know man I think that's hit me more now than ever bro is like people don't realize they're valued and people don't realize like you are worth Getting to know so really my third biggest truth Ah, where would it be right now?

1:15:01I could only leave a truth. Um

1:15:08You have the ability to change the world You truly do and I just wish people would believe that changing the world looks different for different people But you have the ability to change your world those would be my three

1:15:26Lewis Howes:what were my three last time? if people want to know they have to go listen to the three or something

1:15:35Lewis Howes:you had two of the three identical so if people want to know what they are they'll have to go check that out we'll have it linked up for you to listen to that before I ask the final question Emmanuel I want to acknowledge you man for your constant growth and your commitment to service I think people can get scared of success or they get scared of the growth as fast as you've had it. And the fact that you keep showing up, keep delivering. And I think learning about yourself in this process is really beautiful. And keep serving. It's really cool, man. And I just am excited to know that you're continuing on this journey, that you're gonna keep showing up.

1:16:11Lewis Howes:I don't see you stopping anytime soon. No matter what happens with books and projects and other stuff, just keep serving. And I really acknowledge you for being authentic to who you are, man. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to witness. My final question, What's your definition of greatness?

1:16:27That's definitely changed since my definition of greatness. Oh, my definition of greatness would be. Stepping outside of the box that others have built around you. And constantly becoming the greatest version of yourself. I don't like using a definition of definition. So stepping outside of the box that others have built around you and constantly becoming the best version of yourself, constantly evolving. We have to constantly evolve and learn to fall in love with the evolutions of ourselves. So now step outside of these boxes, bro, because there is a box there. Step outside of it. Let's evolve and let's just become the best version of ourself.

1:17:12My man. Appreciate you. My freaking brother.

1:17:15Lewis Howes:I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward.

1:17:53Lewis Howes:And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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