Your Brain Is Built for God, Not Scarcity | Dr. Lisa Miller

24:20Lewis Howes:Just by asking questions and being present, they'll be like, wow, I really like that person. What can I do to help you? They're just going to want to naturally help you because most people don't do that. Because you care about them. Exactly. Exactly. That's powerful. I love the idea of awakening relationships versus achieving relationships. We have a radically transactional culture. When we silenced spiritual and religious life in the public square about 40 years ago, we don't talk about this here. People became all about business all the time. Now we're at a turning point, and the hunger of the heart is so great right now for true love, real relationships, to move out of narrow, monotonous, achieving relationships, and start to bring in awakened relationships.

25:05Lewis Howes:Yeah, more depth beyond just results. And, you know, there's a quote from your book, The Spiritual Child, that says on page 28, that says, Spirituality is a vast, untapped resource in our understanding of human development, illness, health, and healing. Specifically, research in medicine and psychology has found that people with a developed spirituality get less sick, are happier, and feel more connected and less isolated. And your data shows that a robust spiritual life is the single most protective factor against adolescent depression and substance abuse. I'm curious, why is spirituality more effective than other forms of therapy or support?

25:51The adolescent is in a search for meaning, not because they choose to be, not because it's a cultural norm. It is hardwired. because spirituality is innate it has a developmental path in adolescence with literal biological puberty the adolescent goes through a surge a biological clock goes off for every teen what is my purpose what is my meaning and i don't mean is it going to be

26:19Lewis Howes:you know law or business doctor or this yeah yeah what is my purpose as a soul on earth And I don't mean what meaning do I want to make of this world, lie upon the world. What is the meaning written into life, the golden thread through life? The teen is exquisitely good at seeking. We're built for it. But it doesn't come easy. Because with this expansion, hardwired expansion in our spiritual capacity, the teen can feel a half empty glass of spirituality. existential struggle, meaninglessness, exquisite rage at boniness when things aren't true. What's the point of all this? What's the point? And yet this is a gift, even though it hurts and it's hard.

27:12It's very easy to get distracted as a teen, start using drugs, drink a lot, harm yourself. But actually this struggle, this existential yearning, angst of the teen propels the teen to search, to search for God, to search for their higher power. And even their brain is sensitized to discover, to raise the antenna. Wow. The teen is sensitized to raise the antenna and start to receive the signals from God.

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30:06Lewis Howes:How hard is it for them to connect to spirituality and God? This is not a solo act. Every teen needs the sangha, the mingin, the journey group, the fellowship. You need your people who engage in authentic spiritual practice. If you have a teen who's drinking, who's self-harming, yes, of course they need therapy, but therapy alone is not enough. there needs to be a group a youth group a sangha a group around the teen of people who feel god's presence and talk about it every teen needs their spiritual people yes their spiritual buddies and they may be in school they may be out of school right i mean you've been a professor and a researcher at columbia for over 25 years uh and you also have you know kids who went through teen years.

31:03Lewis Howes:What was that like for you when your kids were teens, you know, with you as the expert, the researcher, the spiritual leader of the family in certain ways of hopefully guiding them? Did they struggle just like every other teen? Did they go down the dark side for a while? Did they have these practices? How did they navigate this? So spiritual individuation, the me and not me of what's real. Is God real? Does prayer speak to me? What's good and evil? What's the purpose, spiritual purpose of my life? That can only be done by the teen themselves. Really? No matter... Yeah. We can support them. Yeah.

31:46But it is built into our hardwired brain. Gosh. That spiritual individuation is a road we all must walk ourselves. Wow. Now, to have a youth group, to have a family around you, to have a group with whom you share the spiritual reality, put it in words, pray together, know that our relationship goes to that depth. This gives the two thirds nourishment onto the one third innate awakened brain. It is not enough to be born spiritual. We need to cultivate our spiritual awareness. And when as a parent, we walk the walk and talk the walk. when we say, you know, today mommy was really out of sorts. I'm so sorry I was grumpy.

32:30I'm so sorry I was short with you. I apologize. But also now that I've apologized to you, will you join me in a prayer? Because today was a gift and I feel I kind of squandered it. And the prayer might be whatever your words are in our home. You know, loving God, please forgive me and renew my heart that I might be present to your great love. And we might be present as a family to your love so that you're back off to the races. Anything can be fixed.

32:59Lewis Howes:Yes. And when as parents, we show our kids there's a spiritual response to a misstep, a spiritual response to suffering. What they really learn is that they can fix their lives spiritually. That's beautiful because it's hard to fix your life physically. you know it's hard to fix it through physical means in terms of i'm going to smoke drink you know do physical harm to myself to feel like that's going to make me feel better you know the physical numbing i guess of life that's what i mean you know through the lens of science um adolescents are exquisitely sensitive to both spiritual hunger but also to pain Why is that?

33:42We're an open system. We're porous. We're wide open. And right at the time where we're strengthening and tooling up spiritually, we're at greatest risk to turn the wrong direction and make the pain go away. Really? And in fact, the protective benefits of spirituality against addiction are greatest in adolescence. All our lives, spirituality can help prevent drinking and drugs, but in adolescence, it is twice as protective to have a strong spiritual life.

34:11Lewis Howes:And is there any data around kids who don't have a strong spiritual life if they get into more drugs or have children younger, or I don't know, go through abuse or anything like that? Do you have any data on that? For a teen, a strong spiritual life is 80 % protective against onset of addiction. Really? Adolescents being the trailhead of a lifetime course of struggle with addiction. A strong spiritual life is 70 % protective against risk-taking, driving too fast, jumping out the window at a party. A strong spiritual life to the epidemic of our times. When spiritual life is shared by teens, it is 82 % protective against completed suicide.

35:02The number one killer of teens is now suicide. It has surpassed auto accident. So, Lewis, if I said, here's a little pill, you can give this to your teen, and it will protect them four-fifths against the greatest cause of death in teens. who wouldn't give that to their child? And yet to realize our natural spirituality is how we're built. Every parent has two jobs. One is to love your child. And the second is to build their spiritual core and everything else will fall into place.

35:33Lewis Howes:So when did suicide become the number one killer of teens? When did this happen? So over the past 20 years, there's been a sharp decline in family faith observance, family spiritual life. And with that sharp decline in family spiritual life has been an equally sharp increase in the diseases of despair. Wow. Addiction, depression, and even suicide. The two statistically, Lewis, go hand in hand. As spirituality has gone down as a shared family unit, harm, pain, suffering, addiction, suicide has gone up. Yes. Wow. And as important as it is that each and every one of us cultivate our spiritual core, it is even more important as a parent to pass the torch to your child.

36:24The protective benefits are even greater if it is from your parent or grandparent that your spiritual life is built. So for instance, if a child inherits from their parent a deep spiritual practice, through which they form an authentic, dynamic relationship with God, that child is 80 % protected against major depression going through the sensitive window of risk, which is mid to late adolescence. Now, Lewis, if that torch is past two generations, from grandparent to parent to child, that child is protected 90 % against major depression going through the window of risk, which means that the carrier matters.

37:09You as a parent are an ambassador of spiritual life for your child. We're designed that way. You am the child.

37:16Lewis Howes:Yes. Why does it seem like so many parents shy away from bringing spirituality, faith, prayer to their children? Lewis, I've spoken with many parents and the story I hear most often is I'm just not sure what I believe. I don't want to tell them the wrong thing. A caring parent says, I don't want to do this wrong. will let them choose when they're older. Now, as well-intentioned as that may be, science says waiting is to foreclose. Do not wait. Do not wait. The child is primed to grow spiritually through the relationship with the parent. We don't need to be great experts to show up to the spiritual life of the child.

37:57I don't need to know a thing about any religion or any great theology to listen to the spiritual voice of my child and let them know it's real. That's all we need to do. So many children will have a mystical experience. They'll say, you know, I saw grandma, even though grandma's in heaven. Grandma came to see me. We don't need to be an expert. We can honor that great gift. Wow. Grandma must really love you.

38:31Lewis Howes:That's cool. What does that say to the child? Mystical experiences are real. You can trust yourself as a knower. You are authorized as a spiritual knower. Our relationship is sanctified. It goes to that depth. And in fact, you and your whole life are on a spiritual path. If someone grows up in a family that has prayer, spirituality, potentially church, but then they see their parents do something that goes against it, the one teaching or leading them kind of breaks against what they've been teaching. Or there's a divorce, or there's an affair, or there's physical abuse, or there was screaming, or they didn't feel safe as a child growing up, but they were trying to incorporate spirituality, prayer, lessons, church.

39:20Lewis Howes:Or maybe they experienced something poor with the religious leader of the church that they witnessed that there wasn't a good thing or something, does that hurt more the child when they see an adult leading through spirituality, but making not minor mistakes, but big mistakes? How does that affect the brain of a child throughout their life? The child is watching us exquisitely, so very closely. Do we walk the walk that we talk? So as a parent, as a clergy person, as a teacher, a coach, we are torchbearers. We don't make the fire. The fire is divine. We carry it. Every significant adult is a spiritual torchbearer to a child.

40:09The child's looking very closely. Are you walking in step with your teachings? Now, when we are a little bit foibled, we can apologize and pray and fix it. That's being human. and it teaches the child a spiritual response to the human struggle. If we are more egregiously forewilled or harmful, the child has a tendency to look at the torchbearer and say, you're a hypocrite, you're a phony, the flame is false. That is called spiritual injury. When the ambassador, the torchbearer does not walk the walk.

40:49Lewis Howes:okay spiritual injury is excruciating yes it is profoundly painful what does it sound like i don't know if god is real everything you ever told me mom dad pastor priest and mom coach teacher it's a lie if you're phony then the flame is phony and god is phony or this is phony or i That's spiritual injury. Spiritual injury is very painful because the child is left in a very chilly, cold, damp place. You feel alone. Existential emptiness. Yeah, yeah. And yet, Lewis, the good news is spiritual injury can be healed. There's a way back from spiritual injury. The child can meet a good torchbearer who does walk the walk.

41:37And again, that could be a coach, a parent, a grandparent. It could be a pastor, priest, and monorout by a youth leader. And by watching closely a good torchbearer, they see another way of relating to the flame. The second way that spiritual injury can be healed is to bring God's presence into that very memory together. And ask God for guidance through that memory, through that moment. That's called post-traumatic spiritual growth. Suddenly I felt God would forgive us. Then I knew I was not to blame. The wiser truth that speaks to the inner heart, post-traumatic spiritual growth. And then the third way is to invite the child into a direct connection, their own direct connection to God.

42:31The visualization we shared at the council table, I have done with homeless children who were abused and thrown out of the house. Every homeless child sleeping under the Brooklyn Bridge was able through the council practice to go back to God.

42:46Lewis Howes:Wow. No one had an empty table. There was always someone there, a grandmother, an uncle, a coach. They could see God. For some, it was Jesus or Mary. For some, it was a great white light. No matter what we've been through, we are built to receive God's presence in our brain. There was one time where a fellow said, you know, no one showed up in the first chair. Those who truly have my best interest in mind. So he waited with his eyes closed. And he said, oh, there she is. I know her. We said, who is she? He said, it's my future wife. Wow. That's crazy. because our awakened awareness has information that has yet to unfold before us.

43:37Lewis Howes:It's so interesting you say that because probably I have to find this because it was probably the first or second year of the podcast, 10, 11 years ago, where I did a meditation with a friend of mine who's a coach, his name's Chris Lee, where he had me visualize my future wife. And it was at a time when I was single and I dated two other people actually after that, that were not my wife, but the person I envisioned 10, 11, 12 years ago, whenever this was is Martha, my current wife. Now I just had to go through some other lessons to get there, but it was like, I called her from the future. And it was really more like I needed to continue to become a certain way of being in order to be in alignment with her, in her alignment with me.

44:27Lewis Howes:So I was still going through my process. And, but doing this practice, I was hopeful that I was coming in like six months, but it took a decade. But if I look back on that, having that, that moment, that exercise, that meditation, that prayer of visualizing it and having a spiritual day, he made me walk through what does this day look like with this person? and who is this person? Like really visualizing it. I felt like it like implanted in my spiritual personality. It was like, okay, this is who I need to become eventually. I just wasn't ready to be that person yet. But such loving sacred guidance is available to us.

45:12Lewis Howes:It is. You chose to raise the antenna and receive loving sacred guidance. A hundred percent.

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46:31I think you knew her when you saw her.

46:34Lewis Howes:Yes. I was kind of frustrated because I didn't want to. I was like, oh, shoot. right away I was like dang it this is this is different I knew it but I was like oh my ego wants to not have this be ready yet but I was like my I feel like God was protecting me God put in my life to protect me literally from my ego and and so part of me was like resistant for a moment but I was like I just need to surrender I was like this is what God wants for me. And it's been a beautiful journey. So. The surrender. The surrender. What God are you showing me now? What God do you ask of me now? So that's the dialogue.

47:16Lewis Howes:Yes. That is how the awakened brain is built to be an open system in dialogue with God. Yes. So this is not send out and you get what you ordered. This is listening. And the chat, I mean, it was so undeniable because, and I think a lot of people say that when they get into a relationship, Oh, we have so many things in common, but there was so many, I would ask God this, maybe not daily, but consistently throughout the first three months of getting to know Martha. And I was just like, show me a sign, a synchronicity that is so undeniable that I wouldn't believe it, that we're meant to continue this journey.

47:54Lewis Howes:I don't know if we're going to be together forever or if we're going to get married, but just that I need to continue down this dating journey with her. and it was just like stuff that i couldn't even believe was happening the synchronicities and they were there from the very first moment the godly on your path it was like god was like screaming at me with such clarity and it was like if this is not a sign for me that you can't see and i'm you know stubborn so i needed a lot of them but it was like months. And God just kept showing me these beautiful, like mystical synchronicities. That's just like, this is unbelievable.

48:35Do you remember one?

48:36Lewis Howes:The first one was very clear within the first five minutes of meeting her, probably two minutes of meeting her. I picked her up to go to dinner. I was in Mexico and she was in Mexico. We met up and I got my buddy's Jeep. I didn't have a car, so I just took his Jeep. And I put my phone when I picked her up. We said, hi, open the door. She got in the car and my phone was sitting in the middle council, like the middle area of the Jeep. And then I came around and got in there and right away, like the screensaver was on and the light was on. It was at night. And so you could see kind of my phone screensaver and it was a photo of a young boy.

49:18Lewis Howes:And she looked down at it and kind of looked at me i go oh don't worry i don't have a kid it looked like a you know like my son i go ah don't worry i don't have a kid she goes i know what that is you're healing the inner child and i was just like oh geez and she goes look at my phone and she had a photo of herself i get chills thinking about it she had a photo of herself she was like i've been on this journey for a while it's a beautiful journey isn't it and i was just like holy cow i get chills thinking about it because then just right away the relationship is about depth curiosity it's not about trying to prove or achieve.

49:52Lewis Howes:It's not about like, oh, I'm trying to take this girl out to win her over or, you know, look good. It was more like, let's just connect and connect on a spiritual level. And that was a beautiful sign I felt from God. I was like, okay, I don't have to explain myself. You know, she understands it. And there's just so many things like that almost every week that were just mind-blowing. So, but I needed to, my antenna needed to be cleaned and clear and elevated in order for me to receive these signs and not be scared of them. Because I think I would have been scared of them years before. They're for you.

50:37Lewis Howes:Yes. Synchronicities are for you. They are. Even if some of them are unpleasant. Oh yeah. I mean, those are beautiful synchronicities. Some might be big red flag synchronicities like, oh, you shouldn't go down this path. Like a dead bird on my doorstep, right? Oh, man. Yeah, something like that. And so thank you, God, for the guidance. Even if it's not what I want to hear, I'm being loved and held. I'm being guided. I am not alone. Yes. We don't need to get our way. See, that's narrow, relentless achieving awareness. If I'd gotten everything I wanted, it would not be my first choice life. I am so much more excited by the dialogue with God, by the awakened path that's led me to the life I lead.

51:19It's an inspired life.

51:20Lewis Howes:It is an inspired life. And you don't know where it's going. You don't know where it's going. You have to trust. Now you have the girls. Yes. Now you have the girls. Twin girls. Which I told her when we first met, maybe within like six months, she was like, do you see yourself having kids? And I go, yes, twin girls. Wow. I swear to you. Wow. And she goes, wow, really? And she had like twins in her family, like extended family and triplets in her family. And I was like, yeah, I see us having twin girls. I don't know why I said that, but I was just like, and I was also uncertain. I wasn't not, I wasn't like a hundred percent.

51:57Lewis Howes:Like I want to just be a dad and have kids like earlier in my life. I was afraid of being with the wrong person, having kids and feeling trapped. That was with a fear. So I wasn't excited about married family life, if it meant feeling like a prisoner or caged, or I couldn't be myself or, you know, whatever. Going through a divorce like I experienced growing up with my parents. And so it was more of like, I just didn't feel emotionally safe to think that way. But then when I was with her, I was like, oh, I feel safe. I feel emotionally, spiritually safe. There really is. The question was, once I got to a point where I said, okay, if I ever died, if something ever happened to me, do I feel emotionally and spiritually safe that this person could raise my kids?

52:49Lewis Howes:That they'd be able to figure it out, you know, and be resourceful enough. And that's what I felt with Martha, where I never felt that before. So for me, it was like, okay, I felt that safety. in my path I think if all of the achieving goals were gone would there be a four-legged table holding up an awakened life if tomorrow the achieving goals were gone would there be a depth of soul connection an awakened relationship and Lewis you're a huge success but if you weren't she'd love you just as much I think she would yeah wow well something she would tell me all the time that's real yeah she was like i'll follow you anywhere you know she would say that all the time she still says that and you know when she met me i was in a i mean i was in a nice apartment but it was a two-bedroom apartment i don't have a lot of stuff you know it's not like i didn't need a big house or anything i've been in a two-bedroom apartment my whole life essentially adult life and um yeah she's like i'll follow you anywhere if we need to be in a one-bedroom apartment if we need to be in a big home if we want to if we have to move wherever it is i'll follow you anywhere from that first date yeah you shared a depth yes you shared an awakened relationship yes right out of the blocks exactly right away well then you're never trapped i don't feel trapped because there's no transaction no i feel free you're free i feel accepted and it makes me want to work hard to be able to provide a life that feels safe that feels abundant that feels joyful playful all these different things adventurous, but yeah, it feels good.

54:25Bedrock unconditional love. It's an awakened partnership.

54:28Lewis Howes:Yeah. It feels great. I think of marriage less as a contract, more as a calling. I think I do as well because my whole vision for the relationship is how do we serve people at the highest level together? And that might be our children, that might be our community, our families, whatever it may be, but how do we come together to serve one another and our family to then serve others? How has being a father changed you? You know, I feel like once they start talking, maybe I'll start to feel something even different, but it's changed me the fact that, I mean, to wake up and look at like two little beautiful souls is such a cool thing.

55:13Lewis Howes:I mean, First off, for me, it's a cool thing. It's really gotten me even more in check with my integrity with myself, my thoughts, actions, just even stronger integrity with self because I'm like, gosh, I just, I can't be a hypocrite with these girls. You know, even the littlest things they're going to find out, you know, it's like we observed our parents, right? We observed them. And I'm just like, I know I'm not going to be perfect. I know I'm going to make mistakes, but how can I be present and connected and responsible to lead them to what they're meant to be here for? So for me, I just feel like it's calling me to be an even better version of myself.

56:03Lewis Howes:Has it deepened your spirituality? 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. because I'm also I have to have trust in God that they're going to wake up otherwise you're anxious all night you know it's like you're just thinking are they breathing are they going to be okay are they going to wake up like you have to trust God that they will wake up that they're going to be protected you know it's like it could be extremely emotionally debilitating I think if I didn't have trust that they're going to be okay so I hope someday you and Marta share your first date story with the girls. Oh, we will. Because it's both a love story and an inspired spiritual.

56:47Lewis Howes:You know, hopefully they'll get to watch all these videos. You know, it's like I've got almost 2000 interviews I've done. Oh, they'll love it. And so they can know through a record of just content of like, oh, what was dad thinking at this time? You know, what was mom thinking at this time? So. So would we as parents, science says it's beautiful. So there's the findings. Science shows us that when we as parents speak out loud about our spiritual truth, that is the most powerful form of shaping the child's own spiritual awareness. The child's born with the capacity to perceive the spiritual reality.

57:20Every child has implicit spiritual cognition, which means unless socialized out of it, the young child will perceive continuity of spirit or consciousness after death. Wow. Unless socialized out of it, the young child will perceive that we can have direct knowing, inspiration, intuition without being told. It is only because they hear from adults, oh, no, that's not real, that they come too lower and cover the antenna.

57:50Lewis Howes:Yeah. So we don't really teach spirituality. We nurture what's already in the child. Yeah. How do we nurture what's in our children? by living and breathing our own spiritual life out loud, full blast, in the car, on the playing field, and in the house of worship. Do you know anyone who is against God, who is an atheist, who doesn't believe in spirituality, who lives a peaceful, abundant, joyful life? I've seen people who call themselves humanists. What does that mean? That they think the ultimate reality is being good to other people. And some of those folks say that they're not spiritual. But in truth, as you do unto others, you do unto me.

58:38And the same parts of the brain through which we talk to God are the same parts of the brain through which I feel and see God in you. So really, the humanist and the orthodox or evangelical are using the same parts of their brain.

58:53Lewis Howes:So they still have a code of morals and ethics and values and service to other humans. And just as we're loved, held, and never alone, they show up for others to be loving, guiding, and never leave anyone alone. Yeah. So they still live with a similar, I guess, act of kindness, love, joy, service to others, which brings them that peace and joy. It's fascinating, Lewis. We looked over 10 years of MRI studies at the spiritually engaged brain. The very last study we did was to say what practices of spiritual and religious life most strengthen our awakened brain. And we looked at everything, transcendent practice, moral living, all sorts of things.

59:37Lewis Howes:Meditation, prayer. And it all shapes and matters. It all matters in shaping the awakened brain. But the number one predictor of a strong awakened brain is altruism, love of neighbor. So when we, with our feet, I call it prayer in action, are loving, guiding, and never leave anyone alone. We are literally engaging the same neuro-docking station that allows us to feel God's presence. So Mother Teresa had many years, dark night of the soul, towards the end of her life, where it was service and service alone that sustained her soul. Mother Teresa had profound mystical experiences in the first part of her life.

1:00:18And the second part of her life struggled with the darkness. And yet felt sustained, but through service, profound altruism.

1:00:26Lewis Howes:I didn't know she had that darkness. What was that about? She had like a disconnect to God or what was it like? So what we know from the records is that she still continued to feel God's presence through service. Wow. So if someone really feels stuck, walk out the door and serve. Give. Because that is prayer in action. Interesting. Now, how do you distinguish between religion and spirituality in a lab setting or in a research setting? So we can use a twin study to determine whether any human capacity is inborn or environmentally formed. So height and weight is largely inborn, right? Temperament is about half inborn.

1:01:09if we're extroverted, introverted. The capacity through which we experience spirituality, a connection to God, whatever our word, is innate. It is one-third innate, two-thirds cultivated. Religion, no matter what our tradition may be, the beautiful world faith traditions, Hindu, Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, whatever our tradition may be, religion is environmentally transmitted. The beautiful texts, the practices, the community, all our forms, the really gifts of our parents and grandparents, we might choose a tradition and immerse ourselves. Religion is environmentally transmitted. Spirituality is innate.

1:01:54For two thirds of Americans, spirituality and religion go hand in hand. It's through my faith tradition, they will say, that I cultivate my natural spiritual awareness. So we're all born to feel God's presence. But what we call God and whether we pray or meditate and the stories we learn to help us cultivate that depth of relationship, those are gifts of our environment. Those may come from our religion.

1:02:20Lewis Howes:Yes.

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1:03:59Lewis Howes:That's Buick.com. Buick, exceptional by design. Beyond just loving our kids, what's the number one thing a parent can do for a child? Beyond loving our kids, there is one and one alone job of every parent, which is to build the spiritual core. If you want your child to be healthier, to have good character, to be able to love and make commitments, build the spiritual core. In fact, Lewis, we looked at 270 ,000 young kids, eight through 17. And what we saw was that those kids with a strong spirituality had more grit, more optimism, more forgiveness, character, which is virtue, but it's also traction towards your mission and goals.

1:04:43Character is how you perform in the world at the end of the day. So if you want even an outwardly performing kid. It all is rooted in the spiritual core.

1:04:52Lewis Howes:Interesting. And when you look at 270 ,000 kids, is it through brain scans, through MRIs, through studying other things? Like how do you see that? And is it a certain percentage of those that were doing, that had spiritual core that were performing better than others? Liz, we looked all around the world. We did a mass survey of 270 ,000 kids. And what we saw was that some kids were very high in grit and optimism and forgiveness and temperance and judgment. All of the character strengths and virtues load into the same kids. What can be said about those kids? They have a strong spiritual core. And then we looked at those kids who we love just as much, who are low in grit and low in optimism and temperance and judgment, and they tended not to have a strong spiritual core.

1:05:42Spirituality and character go hand in hand. And when we looked at what predict what, it is spirituality that is the root. Character, the beautiful magnolias.

1:05:52Lewis Howes:So if a parent is thinking, you know what, I'm going to love my kids by taking them to every class, by tutoring them, by putting them in every workshop or after school activity and showing up on the sideline at every game and just drilling in that they've got to work hard, be gritty, have character, and succeed, but I don't bring an element of spiritual connection to their life. What happens to those kids of parents that are meaning well, potentially in their own mind, to create kids that deliver results or perform, but lack the spiritual connection? Narrow, achieving parenting leads kids to be depressed, to feel that they have to sing for their supper, that I am only as worthy in your eyes, dad, as my latest wind.

1:06:41Contingent love. And in fact, contingent love is actually found more commonly in high achieving families. Contingent love is experienced by a child as I'm only as good as my outward success. So if I don't get into this college or if I come home with a D or even a B minus, my dad's literally going to love me less. Wow. That is the felt experience. It's associated with depression. It's associated with addiction. It's even associated with sociopathy that every relationship's a deal. Wow. But as a parent, this moment, this story has a happy ending. As a parent at every moment, we can say, wait a minute, whether it's riding to school in the SUV or talking about the loss on the baseball field, this moment is also a spiritual moment.

1:07:38There is a golden thread that goes through every parent child moment in life, an opportunity to witness God's presence. Okay. You know what? It's true. You lost, but you were so gracious to that kid from the other team. You treated him as your brother. Isn't that what God would want us to do? Okay. I see that you've gotten a D and you're disappointed, but let's sit down here, you know, and show me proud and see what comes to you. You know, I don't care if you come home with an ABC or D when it comes to how much I love you. I love you because you're my child. I love you because you're God's child.

1:08:12I love you as a soul on earth. And now let's sit here shoulder to shoulder on the same team and figure out a plan where we can attack this class another way.

1:08:24Lewis Howes:That's cool. I like that. So there's two ways to pick up your child every day. From third grade, you could have an achieving greeting or you can have an awakened greeting. The achieving greeting is, did you win today? The achieving greeting is, how'd the math test go? The awakened greeting is, I am so excited to see you. Hi, sparkly eyes. Dad loves you. Mom loves you. And then, of course, a good parent wants to know how you're doing in school, but it's not the bedrock of our relationship. I love you, not just because I say it, but because I show it. Whether it's A, B, C, or D today, you light up my world.

1:09:04Lewis Howes:Yeah, that's cool. And how can a parent then help their child grow spiritually if they don't believe in anything themselves? Oh, it's such an important question. The child comes a naturally spiritual child. the child will spontaneously share beautiful i mean heart rendering just beautiful moments so much love and forgiveness i remember when my center child who goes by center child was in nursery school there's this little boy i was like clockwork right before the teacher opened the door to start the day this little boy would come up and give her a swift kick and it, you know, as a parent, it was very upsetting.

1:09:45My husband was so angry, he was going to sue the nursery school. He was very distressed. But what did the little child say? What did my daughter say? Oh, sweet little John, I'm teaching him not to kick. The child has a compassion already written into who they are. In fact, natural spirituality in the young child awakens spirituality in us as parents. A child will see fellow living beings, little ducks in the park, geese, as sisters and brothers, as friends. Unless we say to them, hey, that little goose just wants your breadcrumbs. That's a transaction. The child will think they are friends because they are.

1:10:30A child loves family, their classroom, the wholeness of we. If someone's not at school, they'll say, you know what? Agatha was not in school today. Apparently she's not feeling well. We each matter. Our absence matters. A child loves spiritual ceremony, wants to sing in the choir, wants to pray. I've heard Sufi parents say this as if they know the movement before they're even taught. Children come hardwired to live and breathe spiritual life unless we shut it down. If I don't know as a parent what to say or what to do, it is 100 % good enough to show up and say, wow, what do you feel? What do you think?

1:11:14In fact, often the child doesn't want an answer to their question. If a child says, why does God allow bad people to be on earth? They don't always necessarily want the answer. The child's looking for us to show up and be with them while they explore. The lesson that we as parents actually convey is that life is a big sacred quest. We don't need to know the summative answer, the period at the end of the sentence. We need to have a stance of quest to be game for a spiritual discovery. So we model spiritual exploration when we say, wow, what's your heart say? What's your inner compass show you? Authorize our children as spiritual knowers and their whole life, they'll be able to use their inner compass for life's biggest challenges.

1:12:07Lewis Howes:As a parent to new twins, what is something that you would recommend I never do? When your child has a spiritual question or spiritual experience, comes to you, maybe even saying the thing you don't want to hear.

1:12:29Don't tell them it's not real. Never tell your child they're not a knower. The most important thing we do as parents is authorize our children as direct knowers. That's not real is the worst thing you can say to your child.

1:12:44Lewis Howes:About everything or about like Santa Claus or, you know, about what? That's not real. Says that whatever level of reality you're experiencing that on, I just invalidated. I've had so many people come to me as young adults saying I was such a spiritual child. And my dad told me it wasn't real. And it took me years to come back. Interesting. So, for instance, a parent might have a tiff with their religious tradition. But the child, your own child, may have a profound, authentic spiritual experience in that very tradition. Don't diminish it. Let them have their own spiritual path. That's cool. the book is really inspiring i want people to learn more about this book the spiritual child which is the new science of parenting for health and lifelong thriving and i feel like in a time right now where uh i feel like parenting for most seems to be from what i hear is harder than ever because of social media because of devices because of ai because of whatever challenges at school that might be different than what they were in the past because of comparison and judgment is higher than ever, it seems like, because you're not comparing yourself with your own peers.

1:14:02Lewis Howes:You're comparing yourself with every kid in the world on social media. So I hear parenting is really hard for a lot of people. And you really go into the science about how to parent children for a healthy, happier, longer life. And I think at a time where people are confused more than ever, this is a book that people need more than ever, The Spiritual Child by Dr. Lisa Miller. What is one thing that you think people will get out of this book that will support them in overcoming the challenges of parenting in this modern era? There's a lot of frustration. There's a lot of despair. There's a lot of feeling that somehow the world's coming to an end, but those are just perceptions.

1:14:53and when we awaken to the presence of the spiritual presence in our lives, that fills our homes and that opens our eyes and lets our children see clearly. Every day is an incredible, glorious gift. Yes. Good morning, honey. Thank God we're all alive. Let's see what today has in store.

1:15:14Lewis Howes:Yeah, this goes back to the beginning where you said like the biggest illness is our perception. Yes. Our inability to perceive things better than how we perceive them as worse is what I'm hearing you say. If you have a direct connection to God, nothing can break you. Amen. So if there's one thing we give our child, it is to fortify their birthright, their own direct connection to God. Then nothing can break your child. 100%. That's beautiful. It might be a challenge that they're going to have to face. They might have to overcome some pain and suffering and sadness. Funny. But as long as they stay connected spiritually, it will keep them on a path to overcome that challenge.

1:15:56Lewis Howes:And I think that's what we all want. So I want people to get the book, The Spiritual Child, The New Science of Parenting for Health and Lifelong Thriving. Lots of great research in here. And your child will find her calling. I think that's what every parent wants probably, right? Their soul's path, their calling. That's it. I'm in a season right now where it's like my daughters are six months. They're not talking yet and they're not walking yet, but I can only imagine what that would be like when they're asking questions and walking and adventuring. And that's all I'm going to want them to do is learn how to develop their unique, innate gifts inside of them and then share that with the world.

1:16:36Lewis Howes:I'm assuming that's what I'm going to want for them. Because they'll be watching you. Exactly. They will be. People say to me, if there's one thing that I want to tell my child in high school so that they can then go off to college or get a job and know there's a framework to live by. In my work with the Pentagon, we took the spiritual child, 20 ,000 people in the Pentagon read the spiritual child and distilled this to four Ps. You need a practice through which you connect to your higher power. You need your people with whom together you connect to the higher power. and share that practice, you need an ultimate purpose and you need your path.

1:17:19The four Ps, all of those are rooted in a connection to God or your higher power.

1:17:25Lewis Howes:I love that. When we develop our own practice, we find the right people. We pursue our purpose on our own path through the connection to God. That probably feels like you're living on mission. Then you're walking your spiritual path, living on mission. Yeah, that's beautiful. I want people to get your book, The Spiritual Child, and also check out your website and social media, Dr. Lisa Miller, over on Instagram. You've got workshops for adults and workshops for spiritual parenting as well. So if they go to your social media, if they go to your website, they can get updated on when you're doing more of those workshops as well.

1:18:03Lewis Howes:And they can get your book, which is really inspiring. I asked you this question before in the last interview. I'm going to have to go back and see what you said, if it's different from now. But I asked you about the three truths. I don't know if you remember what you shared then, but if you could imagine living as long as you want to live in this earth. But on the final day, you have to take all of your work with you. Your books, courses, this interview, it has to go. It's not on this earth anymore. But on your last day of life, you get to share three lessons with the world. What would those three lessons or three truths be for you?

1:18:35Listen to what God has in store for you. Show up and be a trail angel for someone. Walk with them on their spiritual path. Third above all else, most importantly, teach your children to love God. That's good. That's good. Every bit of science says the most important thing we can ever do is teach our children to love God. Wow. So that is not just a gift as a mother. That's a gift as a scientist. Yeah. Hundreds of peer review articles. One thing we can do for our children, teach them to love God.

1:19:08Lewis Howes:Wow. That's beautiful. And Lisa, your definition of greatness. Listening and trying to live out God's plan. That's it. Dr. Lisa Miller, thank you so much for being here. Appreciate it. Beautiful to connect with you, Liz. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts.

1:19:46Lewis Howes:Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you, and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you, if no one has told you lately, that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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