The Side of Motherhood Nobody Talks About | SheerLuxe Conversations

0:00Today's episode was made in partnership with Aptimal Advanced Follow-on Milk. The conversations in this podcast reflect the personal views and experiences of our guests. Welcome to the ShareX podcast, I'm your host Hodg Tamperman and today we're diving into matrescence, the unique journey of becoming a mum. It's a time when your emotions, confidence and sense of self can feel a little different as you step into this exciting new chapter. Joining us today are Zeena Shah, stylist, author, lifestyle content creator and mum to one-year-old Ziggy and Loanne Collier, one half of the DJ and lifestyle duo at the Collier Twins, a mum to six-month-old Jax.

0:36They'll share their stories, reflect on their own experiences and offer practical, reassuring tips to help you feel supported, inspired and a little more prepared for the changes ahead.

0:53Welcome ladies, you both look gorgeous. Thank you. Hi. Thank you for coming. Thank you for having us. It's nice to be out of the house. I know. It's hard in those early days. Yeah, it is. It really is. Okay, we're here today to talk all things motherhood and sort of the shift in identity in the early days. But first of all, we can't have the Sheerlox podcast without asking what you're wearing. You both look amazing. Talk me through your outfit. So I'm wearing an oversized chocolate brown tailored suit from Topshop and some cream pointy mules from Zara. Gorgeous. absolutely obsessed with chocolate brand i've just come back from greece so i am transitioning into autumn um so i'm still in a denim floral two-piece maxi that's it do you have heard of them beautiful brand and then i've just got a little merino top from arquette and some mary james from rothys he looks so happy oh well i you know i like color and actually i wore a lot of red at the in my early pregnancy and newborn stage because it gives you loads of energy it It really gives you a boost.

1:58And actually, without even thinking about it, I was drawn to wearing loads of red. And I mean, it happens to also be very on trend. But it really does. It does something to your dopamine levels that gives them a boost. And it energises you when you need it. I'm wearing a long leather skirt, burgundy leather from Desavory, Zara Burgundy Mules, skinny polo neck from COS and a cardigan from Ascot. Before we start, just a quick message from our sponsor. parenting is full of exciting milestones like feeding your little one their first solid foods when they are six months old but making sure their nutritional needs are met is key that's where optimal advanced follow-on milk comes in designed for babies from six to 12 months and inspired by 50 years of breast milk research optimal advanced follow-on milk provides key nutrients like iron which contributes to normal cognitive development and vitamin d which contributes to the normal function of the immune system and is suitable for formula and combination fed babies.

2:56It's the only follow-on milk in the UK with Goss, Foss and 2FL and has high quality milk fat for a creamy taste. Aptimulid Fon's follow-on milk says breastfeeding is best for those that are able to. Follow-on milk should only be used as part of a mixed diet from six months. Talk to your healthcare professional for advice on feeding. Okay so there's this term which I feel escaped me but you guys know. The term is matrescence and it was coined by an anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and it's considered the normal often demanding developmental stage comparable to adolescence highlighting both the challenges and opportunities of this profound life transformation which is giving birth and sort of the change and the shift in identity that happens after you've delivered your first baby probably is the biggest shock how did you guys find it do you do you agree this is a this is a thing absolutely and actually I was saying earlier that when I heard the term everything just made sense it was the perfect way to describe everything I'd been through from pregnancy right up until giving birth and also the challenges and the changes and the joys that we you know find in the first year of bringing a you know creating a human I know it's just I don't think anyone can prepare you which is so crazy because womanhood and sisterhood is such a big part of all of our lives but you can't really I remember girlfriends of mine who had babies after me were like why didn't you tell me yeah and I was like I said that to my friends yeah yeah I feel like people told me though I felt like a lot of people like it's going to be like this it's going to be like this yeah yeah yeah but actually feeling it and experiencing it is a whole different ball game I like to describe postpartum as this kind of like beautiful emotions like contradictory emotions of like joy and sadness and contentment and isolation they all kind of coexist in harmony it's the happiest I've ever been I think you're That natural like, and the relief that the baby's here and everything's okay.

4:50You're a family unit. It makes you so, it feels really like special to have that bond, doesn't it? But then it is also just a massive change. And I remember us leaving hospital with our first son and carrying the maxi cozy out and thinking, how are they letting us take him? That's how I felt as well. I was like, we're just leaving now with a baby. I don't know what I'm doing. yeah we were there one night and then yeah taking home a tiny baby oh my god it's quite a lot you know they can't communicate with you unless they're crying it is a real shock but i think that's why mother nature makes you so high and happy because if you really thought about it I mean it's amazing that love you feel when you first see them it's just it's it's like nothing else yeah I just felt this overwhelming sense of like protection which I've never felt before this like love and like oh my god I want to protect you with my life which is just a really overwhelming amazing feeling oh I know like to be going in a car for the first time and like I was so panicky like be careful over the bum.

6:05I'm really really worried. I'm phoning the police. I was driving 20 miles per hour. I know it's crazy. What do you think surprised you about it? Was it the overwhelming sense of love? Yeah and I also think like how quickly I've adapted to this new kind of identity. I feel like mentally, physically, emotionally I've changed. You know I've had a change in priorities and purpose. Like physically I'm not the same yet. I don't know if I will be but you know and emotionally I definitely feel like I'm softer I feel like I've lent more into my feminine energy I feel more nurturing and and all these changes like I just yeah incredible and amazing I know it is it's what about you it is I feel exactly the same but I was just so surprised how instinctive it all was I'm not someone who's been maternal at all throughout my life so I was just I was a bit anxious about that but gosh you just kind of do it without thinking yeah you just that feeling of love is crazy but then some people don't get that feeling of love straight away and i think after a traumatic birth or something it can be really hard and then you feel guilty with this amazing author on the show's girl called sarah hoover and she's written this book about motherhood and she didn't bond with her first baby but she pretended to everyone she did because she felt so guilty like it is it is just it's a lot there's a lot of layers to it i know i feel like we need to normalize that yeah necessarily having that instantaneous magical bond because that forms over time yeah like yeah it doesn't mean that you don't love your baby less it's just that bonding can take a little bit more time for some people yeah completely like you love them all every day and it's just you know you'll get that but it's such a shock as well you're kind of processing that at the beginning really and you're suddenly like oh yeah but wait this has happened to me and then there's a baby oh my god There's so much that you're trying to process at the beginning, isn't it?

7:56It's just, it's a lot. Yeah. But also like so exciting. So exciting. Because you're like, my God, I've got this little buddy. It is just amazing. I still can't believe I'm a mom. I'm a mom, is this my son? I know. I think that every day. My husband and I, we look at Ziggy and we're like, we made him. Oh, can we do that as well? That's amazing. He's half of me and half of you. Yeah. He's so cute. And it's just so lovely that he is the perfect blend of us both. Yeah. I know. How amazing. I love that. So sweet. Are you thinking about number two yet? Not yet. I mean, I'm not going to lie, my hormones are going wild.

8:32I'm just trying to get my body back. It really is hard. You look amazing. I feel like I was very slow, lent into motherhood and I really just didn't push myself to do anything until very late in the game. And I was sort of I got caught in that horrible comparison trap on Instagram. where I was like, why has everyone got like these tiny waists like, you know, four months after giving birth? And I was like, stop looking at everybody. There is a lot of that kind of bouncing back on Instagram, which I think, yeah, that's not the reality for so many people. Like it certainly hasn't been for me anyway.

9:05I definitely don't have my abs back. I still don't. No, nor do I. My angst is nice. But I think actually I led into social, I really opened up on social media about my struggles with kind of feeling back to myself physically and stuff and I think so many people received that like and were like thank you so much for opening up about your struggles too because I feel the same yeah it made people feel less alone as well so absolutely I know I feel like a problem shared and you if you just talk to people and say how you're feeling and super brave to do that on social media but definitely with your like girlfriends and your mom and i'm not coping and you know like help me or i feel disgusting and i'm like because also like what to wear absolutely exactly that is that was really hard i think it's harder in postpartum than before because actually you're dressing a bump and it's really fun and you can have a bump out or you know you know style it but it's remembering to like wear things for breastfeeding as well what tops can i wear that i can just slip it out or you know what kind of yeah like dressing for yeah for breastfeeding after was really really difficult but also wanting to be comfortable because you know you've been through so much I know yeah I remember looking in the mirror after the baby and you've got like brass pads on yeah you've got like I had to c-section so I had the like the skull bandage the socks that make me not blood clots oh my god they suck the massive pants and I was like wow this I don't know how and I missed my bump i was like i look better pregnant yeah it's a really funny one isn't it sort of more than the bump and like the feeling of the baby kicking inside i felt it was like it was funny like out in the world so yeah trying to dress afterwards is really hard i think the i think shirts are good yes loose jeans yeah a lot of elasticated waisted two pieces yeah i love wearing oversized anyway so i kind of felt like i was just wearing loads of oversized i already had kind of a lot of oversized things yeah and your boobs look amazing so it's the time you least feel sexy yeah oh my god completely completely that we used it to use oversized shirts yeah comfy yeah comfy all day long co-ords i just yeah yeah i'm not worried about what anyone else is doing but also i think like for me like getting dressed is such a joy and it's such a part of my identity that it was really hard postpartum and suddenly i was like right i'm gonna make this work i'm gonna buy a few new things that will actually fit the body I am now and the minute I did that and put them on I felt so much better it was really yeah because you've got to try and keep hold of yourself how long do you think you were in that fog of just the baby just the baby until you started thinking about you and going for a walk or phoning a friend or washing your hair I mean washing your hair in the first day washing my yeah I was like am I ever gonna be able to shower again oh my god brushing your teeth I think that is something like your personal hygiene goes out the window because there's no time I remember James coming home from work and he'd be like wow and I'd be like I know I'm still like like hair not brushed like mascara everywhere sick everywhere the house a tit literally and I'd be like I know I haven't stopped how did you find your like journey back to yourself I still feel like I'm on that journey back to myself to be honest because the first three months were just quite a fog to be honest everything was baby focused baby baby baby I kind of my self-care went out the window pretty much but after the three months I felt like we started to find a rhythm I became more confident with Jax started to find our rhythm and I was like okay cool I'm gonna start carving out a little bit of time and I actually started like if I can just do one thing a day for me then that's great and by that one thing I mean even filling my two liter water bottle and drinking two liters a day or getting out yeah or like getting outside for a nice walk doing some conscious breathing I used to be an avid meditator before and now that's just gone out the window so instead of that it's like when I'm on my walk I'll do 10 minutes of like breathing and little things like like that really and just one a day and then you feel you've given yourself something and I think happy mummy happy baby definitely and I feel like that one thing created this kind of positive reinforcement within me to then actually be like oh okay I want to make a better choice here as well and kind of led to further positive choices and more choices for me throughout the day I know I think that's so true like if you do if you go for the long walk you might think okay I'm only gonna have two chocolate biscuits yeah exactly it creates a positive like cycle yeah what about you same yes really similar but I think I found it really hard to carve out any time for myself I was very like baby baby baby for the first six months Ziggy was born early and so we had a very stressful first how early he was five weeks early I know so real shock so I feel like it took me a while to to process everything and and get back into a space where I was like hey who am I yeah um but then the minute I sort of did give myself some time and it was just going to a Pilates class you know trying to I do like two of those.

14:22It was a very gentle Pilates class. You know, two a week and, you know, one a week, two a week. Building up to three a week. But that was just like an hour of me time that was transformational. And I feel Pilates, you have to concentrate. You do. You can't switch off. You can't think about anything else. And also, you know, not trusting other people to look after the baby because you think no one else can do as well as you. That's really hard. And even I struggle with that now. Because the reality is they can't, but you have to let go. I remember my mum letting the baby sleep for like four hours at lunch.

14:52And I was like, man. Oh, my mum and the naps. It was the complete opposite for me. And my mum came over to look after him. And we came home that evening. And we were like, oh, how many naps has he had? She's like, oh, he hasn't slept. Oh, same. He needs to sleep. She was like, no, he doesn't. He's absolutely fine. He makes sleep out. Oh, my God. Well, it happens on grandma time. Just has to stay on grandma time. I know. And she's like, I don't believe in routine. Yeah, I know. Is there guys in that routine? I'm like oh my god I need the routine I need the routine so I can leave him with you so you know what to do even though you ignore me I'm getting it down and it makes me feel better so when you get a nap like you can do something for you and like you know get a bit of work done or you know I feel that are you both into routines I really am I I was one of those like I'm never going to do the routine mums until I was like oh no we're doing the routine and it really works so from about six months because Ziggy's been a terrible sleeper forever and he's got so much better it's amazing actually thinking about it but the routine really helps and the day if you know I really believe if you nail the daytime naps they sleep better in the night yeah yeah I feel like we're slowly starting to work up to that point now like yeah we are getting a bit more rhythm the sleep is still a shocker which is kind of why we're doing a bit of sleep training now but I feel like he's more consistent with his naps the feeding whereas before it was just all over the place so So I think we're kind of finally finding our feet a little bit with that.

16:17Everyone's different. I think for me, it helped me like get back into thinking about passions or like my career. Having that solid like hour in the morning, two hours at lunch. Wow, that's amazing. He does not do that. I'm lucky if I get 20 minutes. But on a good day, it's like 40. You really learn to multitask. The amount of stuff you can do in 20 minutes is amazing. You can put a wash on. yeah blitz the washing up like everything so how did you sort of make your way back into finding your passions as you've said like finding that dedicate having that dedicated time I'm really lucky that my partner actually he can he's flexible with work so he can work at home someday so I try and do at least one day out of the house where I really kind of knuckle down and I focus I'm really lucky to have that full day really and actually it's amazing what I can get done in one day which before having a baby I it spread me like five days to do so um you become really productive with your time something that I found at the beginning especially because I DJ and I went back to DJ DJing quite quickly my first DJ gig back I felt so guilty for leaving him and like I was ridden with this mum guilt and I know we talk about mum guilt a lot like it's such a thing I know it's such a thing it's so annoying I still have it it doesn't go away it doesn't no I remember even being on my DJ gig and having like the monitor next to me, like making sure he was okay.

17:40And I was just like, but then I did that. I mean, that's the biggest oxymoron I've ever heard. Yeah. DJ with a big monitor. So it's funny. Wow. But then I managed to put it away. And even for an hour, I just kind of, I got back into like the music and I was like, oh my God, this feels really good. And I went back after a few hours and I almost felt like rejuvenated. And I felt like a bit like myself again. and I was like I need to do this more often and I need to like kind of release that mum guilt that we have because I felt like I had more patience for him, I was so excited to see him just from those few hours out it's so cool, you're going to be the coolest man my mum's a DJ I mean amazing, I'm going to teach him how to DJ that's so cool, you can get little baby decks to be seen, oh my god that's so cute, that is insane and also it's the perfect gig because he's asleep yeah so the dream you've made it you should have no guilt I know yeah and how can you take the monitor because it's on your phone now yeah so there's this um monitor that you can basically yeah have up on on your phone and it's so funny Scott would be like feeding him and stuff and I'd be watching you can spy are you spying on me I was like yeah sorry I basically spy I know my god I love that it's so good how did you like start to get back into to me again gorgeous you do so many oh I do so many things I know you're like a real multi-hyphenate yes I've always been like that I just love juggling things and I work better that way as well because otherwise I get really distracted and procrastinate and I'm just like I get nothing done or I get loads done yeah So I think for me, actually, I found motherhood probably easier than some people because I was so used to juggling loads of things.

19:26And actually it really helped. And that mental load can be so heavy. But actually, if you're used to carrying that anyway and switching from one thing or not finishing something and jumping around, then it actually was OK. But I think for me, it was my mum having my mum. She helps us two days a week. And my husband is freelance as well. so we juggle we basically split the week into a six-day working week and we alternate days and then we have my mom on two days um and he's a photographer as well so he'll do my content and edit i know honestly it is a dream and we're so lucky to be able to like get on with each other and work together but we've just made it work for us and actually i don't i never wanted to feel like i was you know dragging the baby with me or like i wanted him to fit into who we are as well as you know us to fit in to you know bring him into our world i think it's quite nice that especially with the content creation side of things that we can kind of blend the two with having the little ones in we're so lucky yeah and that's it and like we're constantly saying like we're so lucky that we can make a living doing this and you know be sharing our life and what we're up to that we really just have to make the most of it so it was so nice and so my mom i mean it was obviously like really hard juggling everything and just like it's it's really hard with the mum guilt to let yourself go to work yeah I found that really hard like even when my mum would come I'd just be hovering around the house and she was like go out okay I don't I have a studio space that I do all of my creative projects in so all my art and um all the messy stuff and I've got that for like all the clothes and everything I shoot content in there as well so there is a space I could go to I just didn't go to it until I was kicked out of the house but the minute you you change your you know space in your your scenery it makes such a difference to your mind I know and then you can go back and feel as you say energized yes exactly and excited to see the baby and not like stressed about the naps and the sleeping and I think like if people aren't ready to go back to work or even if they're not at the stage where they are trying to sort of you know reignite their own passions like baking or clothes or whatever the importance of just having some time for yourself really does energize you and makes you appreciate what you've got and you'll just miss the baby when you're away well that's it and all you'll think about and talk about is the baby which is hilarious if you don't know weekend without the baby yeah we did how was that it was actually like really terrifying but because my mom has been with him since birth we were actually really she was desperate to have him for a whole weekend so it was actually amazing and we just really needed it to you know have some time to process what we'd been through as well and it was just amazing you really do if you're lucky enough to have you done that yet no we're actually talking about it now we have i haven't left jacks for a night yet i've been too like oh i don't want to leave him but i do feel like i feel more confident with him now and i do feel like we're at this stage where and especially for me and my partner like i don't know many people talk about actually how much you miss that relationship like i miss him like yeah we don't spend as much time together anymore like you're passing ships now yeah literally we're in rotation yeah exactly every conversation's about the baby and i think it's so important to carve out that time where both kind of spend just one-on-one time and reignite what what brought this baby into the world yeah exactly number two yeah well i'm reading this book at the moment and one of the women in the book she's just had a baby she said she's never felt lust like it because she comes down from putting the baby to bed the baby's really colicky and it's really hard and she comes and her boyfriend has cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the milk, put the milk on, cooked dinner.

23:07She said, I just run after him. I've never wanted him more. It made me die so much. You're like, you change. It is, you do. I felt exactly like that. Because my husband is one of those. And I was like, sometimes I look at him and I'm like, how did you do all of that stuff in that short space of time? Because I can't get anything done. I'm exactly the same. When squats with Jax, he literally can get so much done. And I'm exactly the same. I literally am like, how did you do that? I just don't know. I can't get anything done. Honestly, nothing. I know why. How? I don't know. It's magic. We need to get that baby monitor on him.

23:41That I think is how I've managed to find a bit of myself again. Because I've actually got a really supportive partner. And we're in it together. They want you to be that person you were. Because it's the person they married. That's it. You know, I feel like James and I always have a rule that when we go out for date night, we can talk about the kids for 10 minutes. And then we don't. and then it's about that's a great rule I think we need to enforce that yeah we do too but it's like the admin like he's taking a internet ball yeah and then it's like right let's just talk about us and have fun yeah because you've just got it because that is part of your identity as well you don't want to just be known as the mother absolutely and I feel like actually for me and Scott we're actually relatively new we've only been together like actually less than three years really oh my god amazing so it all happened really quickly and I feel like we were in this like honeymoon like loving phase um and all of a sudden just everything changed and like sometimes i do miss like i was like oh you know we could have had more holiday we could have had more experiences just the two of us and but then i'm like no actually now we can do it to three it's amazing it's different but um now you're a family yeah exactly which is beautiful and he's part of your adventure exactly we're taking him on all the adventures with us yeah and there's no right time for anything is there like you have to remember that and i also think it's like it's so easy to travel with a baby yeah like i always feel it's easier because they just go in the buggy like yeah now zicky's one we just came back from greece and it was a real challenge go now honestly i'm like go on all the trips before they can move we are going to australia in march when he's 11 months okay we'll do another podcast on plain tips yeah I could write a book I feel motherhood comes with this invisible mental load where you just start multitasking in your head yeah and you don't even you're like how how how did I like I had so much time before literally what did I do what did I do what ways I wasted it all I watched like whole series of things it was wild it is wild and then suddenly you're like wow how like how do you manage that do you write lists do you i'm a real list person i've got so many lists i love a list yeah but i have to do them for like the evening to-do list because basically i get everything done when ziggie goes down to bed so we put we always put him down at 7 30 and that's my best tip just be really like bring that early yeah yeah it's actually from 7 30 then you're free for like at least you know four hours until he might stir a little bit um and it's heaven and you can get so much done so I've got like an evening list and then I might have like a 6 a.m till 9 a.m list and then I've got a list if I've got my mom in but I'm just I work so and I've got a little tick box and it feels good I'm just saying yeah I also have a list but honestly I'll be lucky to tick one thing off when I'm fully with Jax the days I have out okay I'm going through that to do list like there's know tomorrow yeah but i do find it really difficult being there with him and being present with him and then like trying to do stuff at the same time i find it really challenging so i'm very lucky like i try and use that dedicated time out the house yeah to get my admin done to get my work like do you do a day a week on your own or yeah so scott is really flexible so he'll be he can work from home like one or two days a week those days and he can work from home and look after that yeah exactly that's what i'm saying he can do this is the thing they can do i mean that's the same i don't know how they do it and those days i will go out whether that's like a co-working space or anywhere creating content or just just getting down my laptop getting loads of admin done those days out the house yeah are my days to get all that stuff done heaven yeah i've stopped trying to juggle both work and ziggy now because i just found myself getting too stressed i was like i've got to get all of this done and he has like 30 minute nap and actually the minute i stopped i was like my ziggy days i'm just with you yeah and we're just playing and i'm a mom and i can't get any work done i might look up instagram and browse or reply to a comment here and there but the minute i did that it just took the pressure off i know it made it so much easier because i was like i'm just not working today and that's okay and you can do like house stuff then exactly like nothing gives me more pleasure than reorganizing the towel cupboard absolutely sure that's the kind thing i love to do i can't take everything out of a cupboard i love that organized house organized mind yes and just buy loads of everything and i just used to throw things away yeah i was like that is not sustainable the poo stains are they do get quite bad i just have so much fun buying clothes for him that all of his clothes are so nice but i'm a real stickler for like i will get that stain out did you like look at any tools or apps or books or like communities like did you meet people in your local area to sort of anything that helped you like get through because from the beginning to now yeah there were loads of things actually but the book matrescence by lucy jones was absolutely amazing oh really yeah real revelation like a brilliant read what made you feel this is normal how exactly it just made i read everything and i was just vigorously nodding along being like that's me I get it yeah exactly and it just kind of made sense and made me feel like I wasn't going mad it's it was such a brilliant read and actually it's taken me a whole year to finish it is it in chapters of it's chapters but I just had didn't have the time to pick up a book but actually I went the minute I swapped to an audiobook I managed to listen while I was washing up multitasking again so I would recommend audiobook version of it because she reads it as well herself but it's just such a brilliant and is it like tips and tricks or is it just like explaining your emotion yes it's basically about her journey and she sort of delves into the science and data and it just makes you feel sane again i need to read that yeah it's really brilliant because you do go through such a huge change and it's like if we didn't have this term to describe it we'd just be like well you know motherhood but actually it's it is matrescence your body your your brain grows your body's never the same like sometimes your hips don't go back exactly and everyone's so different everything's moved you know as we were saying before we haven't put ourselves first at all because it is all about the baby but the minute you do a bit of something for you you're so much like a much better mother aren't you or i am anyway completely and it just makes you feel happier yeah what did you did you lean on anything so i i was actually recommended this book and I feel like loads of people got it it's called your baby week by week oh yes I have that too yeah and like I was reading this like each week you read it and it kind of tells you what to expect from your baby and like development like developmental milestones and I felt like that really helped me those first few weeks when I was like oh my god is this normal like and just reading that kind of really really helped yeah I found actually my Instagram community have been amazing in support and encouragement.

30:39Like I even created a kind of mama's chat because I was getting so much amazing advice. And I was like, I need to share this with other people. I feel like I have a lot of women following me exactly the same kind of stage of life. And I just use this group to ask so many questions and I get so many amazing responses and support. And I've got an amazing community of mothers that have really helped me. Oh, I love that. So yeah, Instagram has been amazing for that. That's so good. I always shout out and out and out about the NHS because they do so they have so many amazing apps and forums so I think they do one for like mental health they do baby milestones so you can always I think like google the NHS look at the website you'll find something if you're worried or need some help and also a quick shout out to the APTA club community where parents can find tips and support and advice as well for those early days so nice I mean you need all the help you can get It really takes a village.

31:36And I really underestimated that when I had Ziggy. I was like, oh my God. And I had to message loads of friends and be like, I can't believe I didn't understand what you went through. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I was cross with you. Yeah, because you didn't come to my birthday. Because it's hard, isn't it? Because you definitely feel you cross over into a club when you do it. Yeah, really do. The mum club. I feel like everybody's got a wet wipe that they will give you if you need one. yeah and I found when I'm with my with my mum friends it's okay to be having about 20 conversations at once not finishing a conversation because you're getting distracted yeah and not being like I love being 100 % present with somebody I'm with and talking to them and I found that really challenging having a baby but with other mums they totally get it if you're like yeah oh and you get distracted very easily and they're like they hold the thread for you yeah yeah And then you're like, oh, wait, what were we talking about?

32:29No, I still do that now. I still do that now. You have to just weave with me and I'll get to the final point. I might go for some tangents. We'll get there in the end. I know, it's worth it. What do you think the biggest lesson motherhood has taught you about yourself? Beyond parenting, do you think has it taught you infinite patience or like a deeper love that you're capable of? What do you think? Definitely patience. and just the you know astonishing amount of love that you can give another human it is it's incredible isn't it I feel so lucky to be a mother it's so hard but it is so amazing yeah I'm so much more stronger capable and resilient than I thought I was um like my patience has stretched my love's deepened and I just feel like I've really trusted my gut instinct and yeah after giving birth you're I can do anything.

33:20Because it is just such a crazy moment. I know. Like so strong. Yeah. Like don't mess with a mother. What do you wish somebody had said to you? Or what will you say to somebody else who's about to become a mom that you wish somebody had said to you? Take the help. It does take a village. And actually don't, yeah, don't be too proud to take the help. Because actually it's amazing. Yeah. And you'll need it. you really need the help you're lucky to have it yeah if you get if you get offered the help yeah exactly I think be be patient and be kind to yourself there is no rush to get back to who you were if you get back to who you were at all like I am such a person of routine I had my routines in terms of like my wellness my mornings yeah like my meditation my exercise five times a week and kind of all of that's kind of gone out the window but it's kind of releasing that pressure and just knowing that, yeah, doing a little bit at a time.

34:21Yeah. Being patient with yourself. Yeah, lean into that slow pace. And like, don't worry if you feel blue. Yeah. Because everyone's telling you, congratulations, congratulations. And actually, sometimes it is so overwhelming and you feel a bit blue. Like, the highs will come. I used to hate it when people would say, nap when the baby naps, when I would say, I'm so tired. And I was like, if I could do that, I wouldn't be tired. This is the most annoying bit of advice. I know, it is so annoying. I don't know who manages to nap when the baby naps. Also, I can't nap once I'm dressed. Exactly, I'm the same.

34:54You know, I can't. Because I'm ready for the day. I mean, I didn't get dressed for the first three months. I was on padamas and trapeze most of the time. That is the best piece of advice. Just don't get dressed. Okay, if a new mum called you and was feeling like, oh my God, what have I done? I can't do it. So overwhelmed. What was your best piece of advice, do you think? I would say and this from my experience that things get easier yeah like and it's it's hard to hear when you're in the thick of it because I found the first three months really difficult but and everyone will be like honestly like trust it will get so much easier um and you're like no it's not it's just but it really does by month four you're like day by day yeah day by day each day by day and then by like four months by five months I'm in a completely different space and it just feels so much easier than it was before so it does it does get easier and it really does and everyone used to say to me it's a phase it's a phase yeah they're right and I used to hate hearing it and I was like okay just deep breaths just be patient go slowly be kind to yourself but it is it is a phase and it does pass yeah they don't stay three months forever they don't they have to move on they have to and they do and actually your brain is so clever it forgets everything and actually it goes so fast so you do have to remember that as well okay so just don't just trust the process yeah it'll be fine and be kind be kind to yourself yeah ladies that was so fun oh thank you i love that made me like jealous of this stage it is so special the first year of life is just magic wild wild a wild ride beautifully chaotic yes yes but worth it yes so worth it thanks for sharing your stories thank you thank you let me know how everything goes thank you to loann and zina for joining us and remember aptamil's apta club is here to support you through every part of the parenting journey visit apta club.co.uk to find out more and we'll see you soon

36:57and