In short
Tim Dillon rants about politics and culture, then pivots to Thanksgiving, modern life’s emptiness, and especially the “golden age” of travel—arguing travel is miserable due to understaffing, delays, and unsafe/chaotic flights. He also mocks social-media-driven lifestyles (Miami/Lamborghini/Coachella/UFC) and calls for simpler, local living.
Guests
No named guests appear in the transcript. The episode is presented as a solo Tim Dillon Show monologue with multiple ad reads.
Guest backgrounds
Not applicable (no guests).
Key claims
- Trump’s Wisconsin win is framed as NBC’s projection; communism is dismissed as never done “right.”
- Ariana Grande is portrayed as dangerously too thin, with Dillon jokingly advocating a feeding tube and forced nutrient intake.
- Holidays are “for children,” and blended/divorced families should set realistic expectations and consider restaurants.
- Internet life and algorithms create unfulfilling, angry, radicalized people; real happiness comes from friends, hobbies, faith, and local community.
- Government travel messaging (“dress up, be courteous”) is attacked as ignorant; travel is hell and often unsafe.
Notable examples
- Ariana Grande/Wicked (Grande and Cynthia Erivo).
- Thanksgiving Eve bar/drunk suburban memories.
- Airline incidents: Spirit brawl, Delta emergency/engine fire, frequent turnarounds, and “pilot trying to kill themselves” claims.
- “Local is the answer” via small-town restaurants (donuts, Italian, Chinese) and a shepherd’s pie.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOTrump's Victory Announcement
0:31 to 1:45
Discussing the implications of Trump's victory projection.
“which means he is the winner of this race and will return to the White House as this country's 47th president.”
Ariana Grande's Health and Thanksgiving
1:48 to 6:15
Tim humorously discusses Ariana Grande's appearance and health.
“What if you got to heaven and God was just doing a podcast?”
Reflections on Thanksgiving Gatherings
6:15 to 14:01
Tim shares his thoughts on family dynamics during Thanksgiving.
“I haven't seen it, I'm sure it's fine That's not the point of this The point of this is a warning, a word to the wise A warning here let's get some nutrients in this woman.”
Living in the Ruins of Others' Lives
14:01 to 16:49
Understanding the emotional landscape of growing up in broken families.
“They might make you a nice dinner, but know that you are, your family has failed and you are living in the ruins of that.”
The Nostalgia of Thanksgiving Eve
16:50 to 18:12
Reflecting on the social dynamics and experiences of coming home from college.
“But it's the beginning of this, you know, it's the beginning of you growing up.”
The Decline of Fun in Adulthood
18:13 to 21:55
Discussing how adulthood and the internet affect social experiences and enjoyment.
“And you get angrier and angrier as you get older.”
Lessons from Uncles and Life Experiences
25:06 to 28:00
How real-world experiences shape understanding and decision-making.
“The thing with having friends and going out in real life, one of the reasons you want to do it is so that you can meet people you don't want to be like.”
The Illusion of Wealth and Happiness
28:00 to 36:36
Explore the misconceptions surrounding wealth, luxury, and happiness, particularly in youth culture.
“I need to have all the money in Bitcoin.”
Critique of Modern Travel Experiences
39:57 to 42:00
Dillon critiques the current state of air travel and the frustrations faced by passengers.
“Like this Sean Duffy, this guy who's running the travel thing, goes, how Americans turned flying into accessible transportation.”
Rant on the State of Air Travel
42:00 to 46:00
Tim Dillon critiques the current state of air travel and passenger behavior.
“How would the golden age of transportation start with me when I get there and I'm literally, the whole thing has nothing to do with me.”
Show all 16 chapters
Simplifying Life and Finding Joy
46:00 to 50:00
Dillon encourages listeners to appreciate simplicity and local experiences over complexity.
“Why isn't everyone dressed up on the Southwest flight?”
The Unique Flavor of Kewpie Mayo
56:00 to 56:54
Discover the distinct taste and uses of Kewpie mayo in various dishes.
“That is the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Kewpie mayo.”
Reflections on Simplicity and Modern Life
58:24 to 1:04:49
Tim Dillon shares insights on the importance of simplicity and local connections in life.
“Is this Russia-Ukraine deal going to go through?”
Experiences with Younger Generations
1:04:52 to 1:05:48
Tim recounts his experiences with younger people on a film set and shares his observations.
“I don't know who these people are looking up to.”
Thanksgiving and Modern Expectations
1:05:49 to 1:09:49
Tim discusses his humorous take on Thanksgiving and how to manage modern expectations.
“you used to want to live in, like, a nice Tudor-style house in an area with, like, changing, you know, changing seasons, and you have a little family and everything like that.”
Gratitude for Life's Simple Pleasures
1:10:06 to 1:18:02
Explore the importance of being thankful for everyday safety and comforts.
“Because the last couple of years, people over there have been knuckleheads and dodo birds.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Dream big and save big on everything for your project at Menards. Check out our great in-stock selection of concrete landscape block ready to take home today. Whether you're shopping for edgers, pavers, or wall blocks, we have what you need. Build a beautiful border for your landscape with our Interlock Edger on sale now through September 27. Plus, check out our weekly flyer on Menards.com for all the great deals happening now.
0:26Tim Dillon:Save big money at Menards. NBC News can now project that Donald Trump has won the state of Wisconsin, which means he is the winner of this race and will return to the White House as this country's 47th president.
0:46Tim Dillon:Name me one country that's ever done communism the right way. Nobody can afford to live because of the billionaires. Oh, you're so fucking ridiculous. You literally sound like a fascist. You're a fascist. Oh, everyone's a fascist. Everyone's handler. You sound like Hitler. Everyone's Hitler. Everyone's Hitler.
1:44Happy Thanksgiving! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. What if you got to heaven and God was just doing a podcast? What if that was what it was? What if that was it? You get to heaven and God hands you a mic and you sit on a couch and you're like, it never ends. And God's like, no, I'm in an ad deal. What if that's it? And God's like, isn't this wild? You're like, yeah, it's great. I'm happy I'm here. Then God starts laughing. You're like, all right, I'm going to laugh. God's like, yeah. Then God's reading an ad for CalShea.com. just seems, you know, seems to be where it's all trending.
2:30Where the afterlife is just going to be a very long podcast. Where you get to ask God any, and he'll explain the whole thing to you. He'll literally go through the whole thing. Like, you're like, can you tell me about creating the world? He's like, yeah, sure. And it's just, you know, that's just it. There's nothing after that. We've reached the end. This is the end of things. It's just on a loop forever. It's just podcasting. Just takes. Just takes. You and God just have takes. God's like, Ariana Grande is very thin now. You go, yeah, it's disturbing. Is someone going to get her? I mean, that poor girl, I see her on that show, on that thing, Wicked, which is, they have the second Wicked now that's come out.
3:23And her and that other chick, Cynthia Erivo, they're very odd. But that Ariana Grande, that's who I'm speaking of, right? It is Ariana Grande. She looks very thin, like where I'm worried a little bit about her. And hopefully at Thanksgiving, someone just kind of has a sit down with her and go, Honey, you're going to have to eat some of this food. You know, because it's making people a little like, today you got to prove it. No, I am eating. Yeah, yeah, but you got to, hey, you got to eat a little bit of this food. I know, but my stomach feels, hey, hey, eat a little bit of the food, not just a teaspoon of mashed potatoes.
4:14You got to eat a meal in front of everyone because if not, we're calling an ambulance. That's the way Ariana Grande is at, where you go, if you don't eat a meal in front of your family right now, we're going to call an ambulance. And we're going to force a pipe down your throat. And we're going to force feed you. And if you'd rather that, we'll do it right at the table. If you want to put a feeding tube in, because she's at feeding tube. Ariana Grande right now is at feeding tube. Where if a feeding tube, and I'm not making light of this. If a feeding tube doesn't go in soon, it's game over. So Ariana Grande needs a feeding tube immediately.
4:58And hopefully they do at Thanksgiving. And it might be nice. Everyone stay at Thanksgiving and go, Ariana's having a little issue. So we're going to put a tube in her and she can drink her dinner at Thanksgiving. Mash it all up. Here's the thing. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to get in. That's what I'd tell Ariana. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to go in. So if you want us to take some mashed potatoes, some gravy,
5:23Tim Dillon:or even like baby formula, if you want to start there with like baby formula and we'll put a feeding tube in you and we can start again like you're one, we'll do that. But you're so thin you look like you're going to break and people are nervous. So put a feeding tube in and we'll start with like baby formula and nutrients and then we'll work up to like a smoothie made of gravy and mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving.
5:55Tim Dillon:I want her to thrive. God bless her. She needs to eat. Not as much as me. I know the comment. Not as much as me, but somewhere between where she is right now and where I am is the happy medium. Because you're going to have to put a feeding tube in her. There's no other way around it Can you get a photo of Ariana Grande up and write the word thin Don't make a liar out of me Find a photo of a beautiful woman, talented woman Want her to get help, wicked whatever You know, great on Broadway, is it great in the movies? I haven't seen it, I'm sure it's fine That's not the point of this The point of this is a warning, a word to the wise A warning here let's get some nutrients in this woman.
6:47Tim Dillon:Isn't it bad? Can I see it on the thing? I can't really see it on the monitor. Is there a way for me to see it? I guess I could look at it on my phone. But she's very, very thin, and it's disturbing a lot of people. And I just want it known that the Tim Dillon Show is offering to take Ariana Grande to Smith and Walensky's restaurant, Steakhouse, and feed her cream spinach through a feeding tube. And I don't care who looks at us weird. I don't care who looks at us weird. If Ariana Grande wants to come with me at my expense to Smith and Walensky's, I will put a prime rib In a high Velocity food processor And we will blend it and we will put it in the tube Along with a cream spinach And a coconut cake, we'll get it in All we gotta do here is get it in Let's get the nutrients In the lady Go down to some of these Some of these are terrifying They're just They're too thin They're too thin We want the best for her She's a really talented woman And everyone has a problem And everyone does But to me Now I haven't had this particular problem But this can easily be fixed With a feeding tube Put the tube in It's like sleep apnea Which I don't have but a lot of people have it and you put that CPAP on and you go to bed, put the tube in set it and forget it get a tube in and get one in now and fuck them I eat through a tube tell them that tell them the eating food, I feel revulsionate solid food so I eat like a baby and there's nothing wrong with it because I want the best for her now this is interesting because this is being recorded on Wednesday now happy Thanksgiving everyone Thanksgiving has passed I hope it was good now it hasn't passed yet but in the magic of the internet this episode is being recorded on Wednesday night you are going to get this on Saturday after you have Thanksgiving I am having Thanksgiving with my cousin a lovely aunt my cousin's wife fiance wife I think they got married whatever And they're lovely people.
9:34Tim Dillon:We're going to a restaurant. Because that's the move when you're older. The move when you are older, it will take a lot of stress off a family when you just stop pretending this is a family. Stop pretending you have a family. And it will just, it takes the pressure off these situations. if you have lots of fun kids and everyone's running around, or even if you just have one kid and there's, if there's a point, but a lot of families, myself included, are older childless ex-addicts who meet very much like an AA meeting and love each other, care about each other. Sure. but it's not a holiday that's filled with, and I haven't had it yet.
10:32Tim Dillon:So by the way, I'm probably wrong. And it's lovely. But have a reasonable expectation of what these things are. They're for children. Holidays are for children. And if you don't have a big happy family, just grab a few people in your family and don't try to cook or or do anything at someone's home go to a restaurant you have an in and an out it starts at four you're out at six hug kiss bye bye in the car don't do anything in somebody's house unless you have an actual family if you don't do not pretend to release yourself from the idea that you have to pretend to have a family just go to a nice restaurant with people that you enjoy whether they're blood relatives or not and, you know, that's all you have to do.
11:42Tim Dillon:That's all you have to do. Nobody has to be, like, putting a meat thermometer in the turkey. Hey, cut it out. Especially all you divorce heads out there like me. Once a family has been blended and it's like a divorced family, unless you get a really, really good one, you know there's a ceiling to the love that you feel because most people will be strangers you'll be sitting at a table with people you don't know who are you? someone will say that when you have a divorced family somebody at the Thanksgiving will go who are you? and you'll be introducing yourselves to each other at the Thanksgiving table because that's a stranger that's someone you don't know and you just met them because your mommy or daddy married somebody's mommy or daddy, and now you're meeting their cousin, whoever.
12:41Tim Dillon:Just have a reasonable expectation of it. Meet people, and sometimes the move is to hit a few Thanksgivings. Sometimes the move is to hit a few. We're doing dessert with other people. You know, whether that's true or not. You don't want to get in too deep. Again, if you're in a position like I am where you're a child of divorce and you go to a house and you don't know who any of the people are and you're sitting there, there's a lot of kids. Some young people listen to the show. They'll be sitting at a Thanksgiving and someone will be talking to them and it'll be a stranger. They don't know who this person is.
13:23Tim Dillon:Your dad is plowing some woman and he may not even have married her. your dad's banging some woman and her kid is talking to you or her sister's husband whatever is talking to you and you're sitting there and you're 16 or 17 years old and you're going I don't know who the hell these people are I don't know who they are they're not my family it's something there's something you shouldn't be rude to them you shouldn't you know be ungrateful for whatever they do for you. They might make you a nice dinner, but know that you are, your family has failed and you are living in the ruins of that. Know that you're living in the ruins of what was an attempt at a life.
14:16Tim Dillon:You are now in the ruins of, of two people's lives, your father's and whoever's you're in that now you're in the pieces that they're trying to pick up off the floor of their life. Doesn't mean that mashed potatoes aren't good, but just know that you are in an experiment. You are now a part of an experiment of people who are trying to, and I don't begrudge them this, they're trying to figure out their life. It's, you know, it's nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with you. And do the best that you can in that environment if you're a child of divorce or you're in a blended family. And maybe it's a super cool blended family, like the ones on TV where everybody loves each other and everybody, and it's not.
15:08Tim Dillon:It's not going to be. So you just have to do the best that you can living in the ruins of these people's lives. They're trying to create a meaningful life and you are just around. And there's nothing wrong with it, by the way. It's actually good. It's actually good because you then can, you know, you can enjoy it. And then maybe next year you go to mom's or Christmas you go with mom and whatever. I don't know. I don't know how you're going to live your life. But, you know, I was talking to somebody the other day about Thanksgiving Eve. people used to go out in that analog dial-up weird millennial world.
15:59People used to go out, and they used to go to a bar with their friends when they came home from college. And I went to community college, so I didn't go anywhere. And Thanksgiving Eve, people would come out, they'd get really drunk and really fucked up, and they'd see all the people that they knew. And then they would realize they couldn't really be friends with those people anymore because something had changed. And what changed was time.
16:23Tim Dillon:But time, even that little bit of it from graduating from prom and graduation to November, which is, you know, basically six months, even that has just now you're at a distance from people that you were close to. And that experience was an important experience going back and seeing someone and going, oh, we're kind of tight. Oh, I was going to visit you. Yeah, I was going to visit you. And then nobody visits anybody. People do. People will occasionally. But it's the beginning of this, you know, it's the beginning of you growing up. And that's an important thing people don't do now. People don't do.
17:04They don't really go out like, I mean, some people do. But people don't go out like that and have that experience where they would see people on Thanksgiving Eve. And like there'd be a cool family that would let you go to their house and you'd pregame at their house. And the mom and the dad would be trying to keep it going. And you'd feel it for a little bit.
17:31Tim Dillon:you'd feel that old good old fashioned feeling of being drunk in the suburbs in America that would it's a great feeling truly it's one of the best feelings in life is being drunk in the suburbs in America at a friend's home in their backyard smoking a weed yes you it'll make some people schizophrenic, the weed. But that is one of the greatest feelings you can have. But that feeling is less and less fun as you get older. And it gets sadder and sadder and sadder as you get older. And you get angrier and angrier as you get older. And then the people who get drunk in the suburbs at my age are scary.
18:21They're very scary when they're really drunk in the suburbs at my age. they're usually not doing great.
18:28Tim Dillon:But when you come back from college the first time and you get to go back to your buddy's house and then maybe some of the high school kids are there and they're like, yo, what's that like? And I remember that, and I remember I was in community college, but I was still fun and people liked having me around. But I always felt like, because a good friend of mine and ended up going to Cornell, this kid that I was friends with. He ended up going to Cornell and I went nowhere. And I felt very insecure about that as I should have, you know? Well, the joke's on him now because I'm the most important person in the world, actually.
19:12Tim Dillon:But I remember that and I feel bad. Part of the reason people are losing their minds right now is the internet sucks. it's not good your wins are barely wins and your L's are barely L's meaning like the lives that everybody has created on the internet are deeply unfulfilling lives and even remembering like simple things that you would do you know with friends or whatever these these things that are so important to do in life people don't even do them anymore people don't do them everybody is being manipulated by algorithms and they're all going insane, but life's actually kind of simple and it's not that complicated.
20:00And, and truly one of the best things you can do when you're,
20:06Tim Dillon:you know, I know everyone's like, nobody wants to drink anymore or do whatever. And I'm, again, I'm sober 15 years. I know that drinking can be fucked up, but one of the best things you can do as a young person is be drunk in the suburbs of this country with your friends there's only a finite amount of time that you will get to to live a silly life without responsibilities and you shouldn't immediately you should not totally get rid of that to become some political psycho or somebody who needs to make a billion dollars in crypto tomorrow or looks max where you're smashing the bones in your jaw with a hammer and it's what people are doing they're smashing and these are they're already hot these people are already hot and they're smashing bones with a hammer to make their face a shape and it this is a bad life if you're smashing the your bones with the hammer to make your face and you're already hot some of these guys i go you're already hot what are you doing if that's what you're doing or if you if you if it's all politics or if you are trying to be a so rich and that's consuming your life and you're not laughing with your friends and you're not trying to meet someone.
21:40Tim Dillon:Like it just, these lives that people create, they suck. Truly, they're not good lives. You know, like you read about these people that are radicalized from one direction or the other. They're angry all the time and they have all this purpose but none of it's like none of it's to like have any fun so everybody's trying to get rich and change the world but no one's having any fun I have a lot of fun I do, I try even though sometimes it's hard because my phone is tapped and there's people trying to kill me
22:27Tim Dillon:and by the way and I was texting Candice this morning you know how insulting it's going to be when I find out how much they paid for me to get killed? Nothing. They're transferring. She thinks, sir, and I believe her, she found something that they transferred 1.5 million somebody. I don't know what's going on, but you know they're going to Venmo somebody$60 to hit me in the head? You know how insane that's going to be? They're going to Venmo$60 for somebody to just come up and hit me in the head? but I still try to have fun. Small, you do small things that are fun. You don't need to solve the world's problems.
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25:02Terms apply. Cancel any time. The thing with having friends and going out in real life, one of the reasons you want to do it is so that you can meet people you don't want to be like. Your friends have uncles. My friend had this uncle. We called him Drunkle. He was a great guy. He had a chubby wife. They would drink and beat each other up. and he hung out with us all the time and he was drunk and he was angry and he smoked and there's a lot of great things about him but we said we don't want to be him he lived in this basement apartment him and his wife would get hammered and fall down and as fun as it was we said to ourselves this is a problem but they were very fun people they were good people and they took us in and let us drink and use drugs in their home but we they just You know There was a really really fat guy once In a limo and we went to a strip club And this really really fat guy was like When I get in that club I'm gonna fucking tear it up And then he just slept He fell asleep because when you're that big His body's working so hard to just stay alive He fell asleep In the strip club
26:11Tim Dillon:I'm sorry in the limo Before we got to the strip club And then we all went outside to the limo And he woke up on the way back to my friend's house where they were dropping everyone off, he had just slept the whole time in the limo and he had never made it into the strip club. And we said to ourselves, that's tough. He was a good guy, but he was so big that his body was working so hard to just stay alive that he couldn't get into the strip club. he fell asleep in the limo. And we were in there a couple hours. He just slept in the limo. It was just this really, really, really big guy sleeping in the limo.
26:59And it's important for you to see things like that as a kid to go, I don't know if I want that. I don't want that as a life. Doesn't mean you're going to be perfect.
27:09Tim Dillon:But you go, I don't want that as a life. You know, like the drunk uncle would break up with the chick all the time. They'd have these screaming fights. should be banging on his door. They'd fight on the lawn. The neighbors would call the cops on him. And there was a, they were fun. But you would say, I can't live like that. Too much chaos. And that's why you need to go out. But I feel like, I gotta be honest, not to sound too dark. I just feel like that's not coming back. Like those real world experiences that are so important aren't coming back. You know, everybody's formative experiences now are all digital.
27:52Tim Dillon:They're all online. So people are just, again, smashing the face with the hammer, the looks maxing, the Bitcoin. I need to have all the money in Bitcoin. This is what young people do. I need all the money now. I want to drop ship. I want to have a Lamborghini. I want to live in Dubai. It's like, dude, relax. Be 19. Calm down. I mean, there's plenty of time in life for you to get involved in some scam. It's like, you'll be around. Statistically, you'll be around to get in a scam at some point in your life that won't work out. You don't need to do it when you're 12. you don't need to be in a scam at 14 years old trying to drop ship and playing these games like people are just chasing and online puts it all out there it's like you know like all these coaches are always coaching people as to how to like just make millions of dollars and all these coaches do is drive around and have other people film them driving around in a Lamborghini so I mean I don't even understand what the money is for at this point and then all these young people like well I got to make all this money so that someone can film me driving around in a Lamborghini and then I don't understand so what I don't know I mean then you have a Lamborghini okay i don't is that all anyone wants is to just live in miami and have a lamborghini it's like a horrible life this is people that don't know any this is what you want when you're a 15 year old you want to have a lamborghini and live in miami you think it's a good life it's a terrible life i know a lot of people that have it's like a terrible life they live in like some white apartment that looks like they're living in a club they upload photos of themselves on on the terrace of that apartment, which is, are they paying for it?
30:00Tim Dillon:Who knows? There's a film crew that's always filming them go from room to room to room. And then they get in the Lamborghini and they go out to clubs every night. I mean, it sounds fun if you're 14. When I was 14, that's, it's amazing life. Why would that ever get old? Hot chicks or hot dudes or whatever. and there's a beach and you're in Miami. It's not great. I don't know one happy person that lives in Miami that has a Lamborghini. Not one. Not one person in Miami that's genuinely happy that has a$300 ,000 car in Miami that's really happy. It's, I mean, and again, it's not shitting on people that want to make money.
30:48but go do something you like.
30:52Tim Dillon:You got one life. You just want to make a bunch of money for what? To get some whore, some OnlyFans whore in Miami to ride around in a Lamborghini with you and do coke? Like, I understand that it seems great to be, you know, doing lines of Adderall at 2 o 'clock in the morning, wondering if some whore is stealing from your Miami apartment. I understand that that seems amazing. Is this whore stealing my watch in a Miami high ride? I know that's what people want, but there's more to life than that, like a lot more. Truly, you'll be happier doing other things. you'll be happier doing other things with your time than that.
Read the full transcript
31:47Tim Dillon:I know that's the goal. That seems to be the goal of like every person that exists on the internet under 25 years old. They all want to live in Miami. They all want to have a Lamborghini. And they all want to wonder if an OnlyFans whore is stealing their watch at 2 o 'clock in the morning. Is she going through the drawers? What is she looking for? If that's the life you want And you want to go to the DJ All these DJs Go DJs playing And I like these guys I like John Summitt I like these people Enough with the DJs And the crap Enough Enough with this Coachella And all this garbage Enough with this shit Enough It's not a life It's not a life It is not a life To go to Coachella And dress up like an Indian and stand there in 98 degree weather, you know, on like angel dust or whatever.
32:44Tim Dillon:I mean, they're not even doing angel dust. They'd be more interesting. I don't know what they're doing. I mean, I guess they're on shrooms. What if they're on Molly? If they're on Molly, it's not a life. It's not a life to stand at a con. Stop with the concerts. It's another thing. Stop with the concerts. Enough with this crap. Stop with the concerts. Enough. It's not a life to go see live music. It's not a life with that, with these concerts. These drug addicts, they get out of jail, they put them right on stage, and you pay$120 to see some junkie with 15 children. Enough with the concerts. Stop.
33:26Tim Dillon:Stop with this. Every minute of the day, it's someone at a concert. No one has a dollar to their name. No one owns anything. Not to sound like Ben Shapiro, but he might be right about this. Nobody has a dollar and everybody's watching Billie Eilish pretend to sing for three hours. Stop. Get a life. Get a job. Truly. Stop with this crap. You're going to see a DJ. Enough with this shit. The bottle service, the Vegas, and the fights. Stop with the fights. Stop with this UFC. You don't have the money for that Go get your own ass kicked in the streets where you live Where the government doesn't enforce the crime You go get jumped somewhere If you got a passion for that Stop going to UFC
34:21Cut it out, it's not a life It's not a life going to UFC It's not a life Sitting in the thing It's a UFC fight.
34:31Tim Dillon:It's not a life. It is not a life. Not a life. Stop this shit. I see all this crap online and these people just go from a Miami apartment to the UFC to a concert to see some junkie criminal and you know what I mean? What is this? What is this? It's a collection of meaningless shit. It's a collection of meaningless horse shit experiences Does it mean nothing? Yeah, you know, I saw John Summitt at the day. Then we went. What do you have said? Then we went here. Then we went. It's nothing. It's nothing. There's no through line. There's no thrift. Nothing. What are your photos going to be when you're old?
35:15Tim Dillon:A photo of you at a day party? And fucking at the win? What is this? It's not a life. It isn't. It's a collection of things that look like a life from the outside I'm telling you And this is what the internet does It gives you the idea that these things are a life Well, I have a life I went to Coachella And we... No! No! It's wrong It's wrong You think it's a life Because it's a photo dump You went to brunch You had a pancake that some Asian talked about. And that's great. I like Asians. And I like what they're doing in the breakfast realm. But it's not the point. That's not the point. Old Tim, you have a pancake on your...
36:10Tim Dillon:Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm in a game that I didn't create. What I'm saying is this. The things you're doing are not a life. these random things you're doing that you're only doing because other people you know are doing them. Other people you know are doing the things that you are doing. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending, helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. One of my favorite things about Rocket Money is that it can track subscriptions. It has the ability to cancel unwanted ones with the app with a few taps, giving users an easy way to stop paying for things they don't use.
36:53I'm telling you, automatic transaction categorization across accounts plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns. You can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join rocketmoney.com slash T-I-M. That's rocketmoney.com slash T-I-M. Rocketmoney.com slash T-I-M.
37:26You know when you try a new food and suddenly it's like, wait, how did I not know about this? It's Ryan Seacrest here. That is the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Kewpie mayo. I'm cooking a lot more at home, and I sure did. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it on TikTok. So what makes it different? Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Kewpie only uses egg yolks, giving it this rich umami flavor, which I love. It's smoother, deeper, almost buttery. And people put it on everything. You can put it on egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, even pizza crust.
38:04Once you notice Kewpie, you'll start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Food lovers use it. Never tried it? Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. You'll love its rich, bold flavor. Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. That's Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. Hey, what's up, guys? It's Haley Bailey. Okay, I need to tell you about something. I just got YouTube Premium. It's got tons of awesome features like offline downloads, so I can download my favorite videos before I travel and watch them whenever I don't have Wi-Fi because we all know airplane Wi-Fi is the worst.
38:43I get ad-free, I get backroom play, and there's like a ton more in there. You should try it. If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. Try it now for two months free at youtube.com slash premium. If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. Hi, I'm Sean Evans from Hot Ones and I want to tell you about YouTube Premium. It has offline downloads so you can watch without Wi-Fi. Background play so you can lock your phone and it still plays, baby. Oh, and it is completely ad-free. Yes, I said it, ad-free. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com slash premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime.
39:27Ready for your next adventure? Etihad's Global Sail is here. Witness Nairobi's living traditions. Set sail on Phuket's pristine waters. Or let wonder be your guide in Kuala Lumpur. Book by Thursday and take off to over 50 destinations on sale. Travel from October 2026 to March 2027. Book now at Etihad.com. Etihad, beyond borders. Like this Sean Duffy, this guy who's running the travel thing, goes, how Americans turned flying into accessible transportation. Secretary Sean Duffy urges travelers to dress up and be in a good mood. Hey, Sean, fuck you. Hey, fuck you, by the way. Shut the fuck up. How about you get the planes in the fucking sky, you scumbag,
40:20Tim Dillon:and shut the fuck up. I'm sick of being lectured by this fucking government that knows nothing about what's actually happening out there, okay? First of all, first of all, the whole entire experience of travel has become an unending hell, okay? Everybody is understaffed. There are delays at all the major airports. The airports are old. They've fallen into disrepair. The planes are old. The pilots are underpaid. The staff is underpaid. It's a horrible experience, Sean. It's a bad fucking experience. Let's watch him. Let's watch this guy and fuck him. something i didn't know in 2019 400 increase of in-flight outbursts by passengers because they've had it because they've had it there should be more hold that there should be more outbursts on flights you should get on a flight and start throwing haymakers there should be a flight should be non-stop fighting from the minute you get on a plane till it lands the way that you were treated when you travel in this country there should be nothing but violence from the traveling public who've had enough let's see a little bit of this here gold incidents you want to change that yeah so donald trump talks about the golden age of transportation the golden age of america but the golden age in transportation truly begins with you the traveler right and so if you think you just want social media stop that how would it will begin with me, you fucking moron.
42:02Tim Dillon:How would the golden age of transportation start with me when I get there and I'm literally, the whole thing has nothing to do with me. I have no input on how anything's run. I just show up, you buy a neck pillow and you get on the plane. I'm there 40 minutes before the flight, thanks to Clear. How would the golden age of transportation start with me, you retard? Doesn't even make sense. The golden age of transportation starts with me? Do you have no... You're the secretary of transportation. It should start with you. How about not passing the buck to me? Well, then what the fuck are you getting paid for, you scumbag?
42:43Tim Dillon:The golden age of transportation starts with the people? How about you, whose job... You're the secretary of transportation, you fucking scumbag. At the baggage claim, you have passengers berating gate agents. Because they're retards. Because they're fucking stupid. Stop hiring stupid retards to work. And they wouldn't need to be berated. But since you keep putting these fucking Down Syndrome people, and no disrespect to them, by the way, I don't even like that I used that word, but you know what I mean. I had a cousin with Down Syndrome. I have no problem with the Down Syndrome community. I like them.
43:25Tim Dillon:They're sweet people. It's not their fault. But even that you are putting people behind the desk at these things that shouldn't be there. And then I shouldn't berate them. Why should I not berate them? They're berating me. They're berating me. Passengers on airplanes. People dress up like they're going to bed when they fly. You don't even have a tie on, you scumbag. People sitting on airplanes, they're having a hard time taking their luggage and getting in the oversized or above bin. Help people out. Be nice. Be courteous. And so we want to push people as we come into a really busy travel season.
44:05Help people out. Be in a good mood. Dress up. Bring civility back to travel. And I think everyone's experience is going to be that much better. Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't take off? Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't leave the runway? Sean, you scumbag. You dirtbag. Telling people to dress up. Get the plane in the air, you dirtbag. Why would I dress up to...
44:32Tim Dillon:Now, I don't take these airlines, but why would people dress up to go to Frontier Airlines? Hey, Sean, their lives suck. That's why they can't dress up. They're going to identify the body of their daughter. That's why they're taking that flight, Sean. Maybe they don't want to put on a nice holiday sweater. They're going to identify to see if the body in the lake is their daughter. And they don't have a lot of money, so they're on Frontier Airlines. And the body's been in the lake for a few days, so it's starting to, the stomach's distended. But the facial features are still pretty intact, except where the wounds are.
45:12Tim Dillon:Maybe they don't want to put on a nice A nice pantsuit So they can go down to Austin, Texas And identify the body in the lake Why do you think people are traveling, Sean? They're traveling because their lives are terrible A lot of them Some of them are going to the holidays, sure But a lot of them are just leaving under the cover of night Because they owe money And they're trying to settle somewhere else So maybe they don't feel like dressing up to get on a budget flight to Phoenix to work at another tattoo shop and hope this one works. I'm sick of people in government going, well, the golden age of travel starts with you.
45:55Tim Dillon:Dress up. Be courty. Hey, Sean, no one has any money. No one has any goddamn money, you fool. Why isn't everyone dressed up on the Southwest flight? Because everyone's fucked. That's why. Why wouldn't they help someone? Everyone helps people with the luggage. Nobody doesn't help people with the luggage. That's such bullshit. Get up. Get up, spirit brawl, and hit image.
46:27Tim Dillon:Spirit Airlines brawl.
46:34Tim Dillon:Play something good. This is what it is. This is what life is. What year is this from? It doesn't even matter. Yeah, play this all. You gotta be careful. I wanna feel it. No word on if any of the passengers involved are facing charges. Spirit is looking into it. Well, at the very same airport, tense moments for passengers. This is a Delta flight where Hayes filled the cabin of a plane. Yeah, dress up. How about dressing up for that? This morning at 8.30. Don't you want to dress up for the plane to go on fire? South Carolina. But then came the haze. Yeah. The crew declared an emergency. That's right.
47:15They immediately returned to the airport. Put on a nice shirt for the engine. Delta now looking into the cars. Get it out of here. Everything's a joke in this country. Dress up nice. The planes are exploding in the sky. Dress up nice. Have a holiday spirit and dress up nice. Every minute of every day I don't know why I get every plane issue Every minute I'm awake I'm getting some type of communication That a plane has been forced to turn around Okay Over the Atlantic Because a pilot is trying to kill themselves Okay Every minute of every day There's some engine failure A fuel leak A hydraulics issue Smoke in the cabin An unruly passenger a medical emergency.
48:05People go on planes right now and just die. And then they've got to land a plane. So this guy is basically like, why aren't you dressing up for what's going to be one of the worst experiences of your life? Now, here's one point he does have. You should dress nice when you fly
48:22Tim Dillon:because it might be the last time you ever put on clothes. It might be the end. It might be dead. There's too many people flying. there's too much travel in this country it is motivated by this lie that there is meaning to be found elsewhere there is not there is not find a little corner of the world find a little store find a lesbian who makes a little donut that's all you know you see her you go there and she'll be in early making a little donut that little lesbian and you go in there and sure she's feisty and not fun to talk to. You get a little donut, you get a cup of coffee, you walk your dog.
49:06Stop making this complicated. Find a little coffee shop where a lesbian makes a little donut, a little fritter. But make it. I want to see them make it. I don't want it shipped in from somewhere. And I don't even like when they buy it. I want to see it being made by a lesbian. And then find an Italian restaurant called like Mama Giorgio, do you so blah, blah, blah, blah. And go to that once a week and get a bowl of spaghetti and talk to Mama Giorgio about all the migrants. And then you find the Chinese restaurant, you find a bar where you can go and talk to the bartender, you find a nice little gym, you find a little job, you find someone to share it with, and that's it.
50:01That's it. You're not this. Where are you going? Stop. Where are you going? Can you imagine? We're landing in Vegas in 20 minutes. For what? For what? For what? For what? To see a DJ and have your friend fall and die because he falls off a balcony or something. just stay in your little just find a nice little town you can still find them by the way there's not a lot of them there's very few of them you find a nice little town where you can get involved with a few nice restaurants and a pub and that's what you do do not over complicate your life you do not need a billion dollars in crypto you don't need to be in Dubai because you're trying to not get kidnapped for your crypto I was at a lunch the other day and somebody was like That guy's got a lot of crypto, but he always thinks he's going to be kidnapped.
50:57I'm like, what is this? What is this? What lives has everyone created, by the way? Oh, he did real well in crypto, but he thinks he's going to be kidnapped. Like, every night he can't even sleep. Folks, just get a shepherd's pie at a local pub. It's ground lamb with carrots, some potato, some mashed potato, nice crust on top. You know, I mean, I don't know what to tell you here. I don't know what to tell you. You want to be in Dubai with a billion dollars of crypto worrying about being kidnapped? Can we stop this shit? Stop this crap. Stop this garbage. Get out of LA. No one cares about your script.
51:36Oh, you wrote a script. Cut this shit out. You think it's 2004? Stop. Go be a teacher in Vermont. Just go be a teacher in Vermont. Teachers are lazy people. They are lazy people. They do almost nothing. Truly. Here's my impression of a teacher. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the class. Today we're learning about photosynthesis. The light comes in and it does, you know, chlorophyll. It's all green. Fuck off. That's it. That's all they do. 100 grand. And then every summer, they get to go out and, you know, stomp around. Do whatever the hell they want. Get a side gig. Just do that. Stop with this crap.
52:31You're collecting all these experiences, but they don't lead to anything. They're all these isolated events that are there to telegraph to other people how well you're doing or how much you're raging or turning up or whatever the fucking, it just doesn't matter. Just have local fun and just be around people that you have some level of comfort with. Everybody is overcomplicated life to a degree that's unimaginable. I have a weird life. I have weird friends and a lot of them have high profile things and they're not happier than anyone else. Truly. It's a public service announcement. Now I'm not going to be friends.
53:13I'm not going to like not be friends with them. I may be friends with you. What? Some of these psychos on Instagram are like, Why don't you get dinner with me? I'm a regular person. What? What?
53:26Just relax. Nuts. But the point is this. Get a fucking... So many people I know, they think life is such a complicated thing. They stress themselves out. These kids stress themselves out. Find a good scam. Find a nice little townhouse. Enough with the garbage. Get a dog. Get a dog. Not the Shiba Inu. I don't like that. It's too perfect looking. I don't dig it. Everyone else likes it. I don't like that Australian Shepard either of that Merle. I don't like its eyes. But get a dog. Go on a date. Go on date night with the wife. You take her on a little date night. You go to the French restaurant in town.
54:09You want to be in Dubai going, is that a creak in the door? Or is someone kidnapping me? for the, am I going to get tied to the chair and tortured for my crypto?
54:22Tim Dillon:That's happening to people all over the place. They're getting tied to the chair and beaten for their crypto.
54:34Tim Dillon:And that's what everyone wants. They go, I want to live in Miami and I want to get kidnapped in the middle of the night and taken to a warehouse and tied to a chair and beaten from my crypto wallet password and wonder all the way there if the OnlyFans whore I'm fucking gave them my address? The answer is yes. Don't overcomplicate your life. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending. It helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. One of my favorite things about Rocket Money is that it can track subscriptions. It has the ability to cancel unwanted ones with the app.
55:16the few taps, giving users an easy way to stop paying for things they don't use. I'm telling you, automatic transaction categorization across accounts plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns. You can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real-time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. The app consolidates checking, savings, loans, and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join rocketmoney.com slash T-I-M.
55:49That's rocketmoney.com slash T-I-M. Rocketmoney.com slash T-I-M. You know when you try a new food and suddenly it's like, wait, how did I not know about this? It's Ryan Seacrest here. That is the reaction a lot of people are having when they first try Kewpie mayo. I'm cooking a lot more at home, and I sure did. It's the one with the red cap and the little baby on the bottle. You've probably seen it on TikTok. So what makes it different? Most mayonnaise uses whole eggs. Kewpie only uses egg yolks, giving it this rich umami flavor, which I love. It's smoother, deeper, almost buttery. And people put it on everything.
56:25You can put it on egg sandwiches, fries, burgers, even pizza crust. Once you notice Kewpie, you'll start seeing it everywhere. Chefs use it. Restaurants use it. People who really care about flavor use it. Food lovers use it. Never tried it? Grab the bottle with the red cap next time you're at the store. Put it on just about anything. Then you'll understand. You'll love its rich, bold flavor. Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. That's Kewpie, the original Japanese mayonnaise. Hey, what's up, guys? It's Haley Bailey. Okay, I need to tell you about something. I just got YouTube Premium. It's got tons of awesome features like offline downloads, so I can download my favorite videos before I travel and watch them whenever I don't have Wi-Fi.
57:06Because we all know airplane Wi-Fi is the worst. I get ad-free, I get backroom play, and there's like a ton more in there. You should try it. If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. Try it now for two months free at youtube.com slash premium. If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. Hi, I'm Sean Evans from Hot Ones and I want to tell you about YouTube Premium. It has offline downloads so you can watch without Wi-Fi. Background play so you can lock your phone and it still plays, baby. Oh, and it is completely ad-free. Yes, I said it, ad-free. Try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com slash premium.
57:47Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. Ready for your next adventure? Etihad's global sale is here. Witness Nairobi's living traditions. Set sail on Phuket's pristine waters. Or let wonder be your guide in Kuala Lumpur. Book by Thursday and take off to over 50 destinations on sale. Travel from October 2026 to March 2027. Book now at Etihad.com. Etihad, beyond borders.
58:23Tim Dillon:I hear Kash Patel may be out. I hear Pete Hegseth might be out. We don't know. Could be. Is this Russia-Ukraine deal going to go through? I don't even care right now. I don't even care about this Russia. I'm uninterested. Kalshu.com will tell you. Who will leave the role in the Trump administration? 12 % to Kash Patel. Here's what I'm saying, okay? Be thankful for simplicity. This is really listen up here. Really listen up. Be thankful for the simple things in your life. Reconnecting with people. or, you know, having a good productive first date or something or working at Panera when you got out of rehab.
59:14Tim Dillon:Yeah, it's not the best job, but you just got out of rehab. You're lucky you're not dead. Be thankful for these things, truly. Be thankful for this. Local is the answer. Global is not the answer. Well, what's the Ukraine to shut up? Tell me about your deli Tell me about the school You're going to send your kids to Local is the answer Be thankful for local I'm telling you You know I talk to so many people And so many of them Are insane And And their lives are so complicated And some of that's their fault And some of that's not their fault Some of that's just the way it is and the way it goes. But some of the happiest people I know, there's such a simplicity to their life.
1:00:09Tim Dillon:They've learned that they don't need, like everyone, young people today, everything's got to be dialed up to, everything's got to be the craziest thing, the richest. I'm the richest person. Like, oh, everyone wants it, and you're chasing nothing. You're going nowhere. It's meaningless The things you want are meaningless Develop some faith Engage in a healthy way with religion Engage in a healthy way with a passion Truly Get a hobby Get a partner These are all important things You don't need to be the richest person You do not need To make all this money in crypto You don't need to have You don't need to have a crazy social media presence that makes people feel guilty or something.
1:01:07Tim Dillon:You can go have fun and not put it on Instagram. And I'm not saying don't go have fun or don't go have experiences, but cut it out with half the shit you people are doing. Enough with this crap. Enough. All right, you know Chapel Rhone. Enough with this. Who cares? Who cares? I know some guys are just posting photos with Chaparron. Oh, I know Chaparron. So what? Who cares? There's nothing cool about that. There's nothing cool about that. I know Marjorie Taylor Greene. How about that, you scumbag? Well, it's true. I hope she's well. She's left her, she's left the Congress. I'm just saying that people need to dial it down, turn it down.
1:02:07I would go to these people that have all these dreams with the looks maxing. They're all smashing their jaws with a hammer. I go, what kind of woman are you getting here? What kind of woman is requiring this of you? To smash your jaw with a hammer like this. all you need to do is be a person learn how to be a person I mean I don't know I'm just saying it's definitely I did a J.Crew commercial the other day it was a lot of fun there was a lot of kids on set because I was playing a coach and they were in the it's like a short film for J.Crew I play like a ski coach was yelling at the kids one of the children a 9 year old started a rumor that I had a wig on Okay The other kids He started rumored that I had a wig on I started going back and forth With this person Who was nine years old Who was actually very cruel Another one of the kids They were calling me Tim Cheese They were doing the 6-7 They were trying to shit on me I called one of them I was like oh yeah young Sheldon So I got him bad And I did hurt him I saw it in his face
1:03:22but they were pieces of shit to me they were vicious they were disrespectful they were not professional at all because we're on set they're actually not professional at all and it was hurtful because I thought that there would be a level of respect and that their parents would have talked to them about who I was and things that I had accomplished but that's not what happened okay this show is like huge and no one not one kid cared at all about me. It was insults and insults and this one and that one and big back. That's the one I called Young Sheldon. He called me fat. Then it became about Israel.
1:04:00Here's the point. Who are these little bums? I don't feel bad for them. I hope AI takes everything from them. I said that to them. I said, none of you will have jobs. AI will take it all. AI will take it all. Okay? So I'm just saying the experience I've had with that generation Has been really negative Really negative They're just all sociopaths Okay Some of them were okay But like I'm They were trying Like some of them were okay with the lines I think I did a good time I think I did well It was an all day shoot Everyone was getting tired And everybody was fighting you know but they held it together for the most part you know but I'm just like I have a really limited interaction like I don't I don't know what's going on with younger people I just know from what I saw I don't like it I don't like it I don't like it there's no respect for authority um one of them threw like a like a sloth thing at me none of it was cool None of it was cool So I'm just saying that I want I want to give advice To people and tell them that like All the things I see online These trends are all ultimately Very destructive and You know I'm really sick of You know we need to make things Easier for younger people and we need To change the value system because the value System is like rotted It's completely rotted and the lives.
1:05:45I don't know who these people are looking up to. I don't know what. They're not even watching movies. Like, you used to want to live in, like, a nice Tudor-style house in an area with, like, changing, you know, changing seasons, and you have a little family and everything like that. That's, like, the dream. The Home Alone kind of dream. You want a community. You want a lot of people around you. And now, like, everyone's like, wouldn't it be cool if I lived in Miami with an OnlyFans whore, and we snorted Adderall, and then someone kidnapped me because I have crypto. And you're like, I just don't know what happened.
1:06:15I don't know how that became the goal of young people in this country. It's like not good.
1:06:22Tim Dillon:Everyone wants to be some type of quasi criminal who's like on a private jet landing at Opelock Airport in Miami, ready to go rage. You're supposed to be in the suburbs of America. Save the suburbs. That's what it should be. You need, it's a very, very simple thing. It doesn't need to be the craziest thing. You don't need it. You can go to Coachella once. You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year. All right? It's crazy. Oh, you're at the Cagliucci? What's this? At the concert? The Cagliucci concert? Hey, hey, hey. Enough with this. Go to the dentist.
1:07:10Be a dentist. Go be a dentist When someone goes Oh I'm going to the Kaliuchi concert What are you doing You go I'm a dentist I'm a dentist You know You know it's a Play a little bit of that Of the Kaliuchi concert If we can It's K-A-L-I right
1:07:37Kaliuchi I have a friend who's on tour with him I'm sure it's great Can we play this? We're going to get... Play a little bit of it.
1:07:58All right. It's fine. It's good. It's good, but you don't need... Folks, you don't need to do this all the time. You don't need to do this all the time. You know, this is all I see people doing. All I see people doing now is they just go to a concert. They just take drugs and go to a concert. Who cares? Go somewhere else. Stop this crap.
1:08:28Don't get mad at me. I'm the messenger. I'm the messenger here. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Thanksgiving dinner, tough in a tough economy. Guess what? So what? Do half what you do. Do half of the dinner this year. Do half of the dinner. Do half of what you usually do. And if people don't like it, have everybody bring one thing. And it's already over anyway. This comes out Saturday. Who cares? I'm just saying that's what I would do. If I was hosting Thanksgiving this year, you know what I would do? I would tell everybody, if you want to eat it, bring it. Bring it. If you want to eat it. Because I don't have anything this year.
1:09:11That's what I'd say. I don't have anything. And you're not coming in my house. You're not coming in my house. We're going to sit in the driveway and we're going to solve the Charlie Kirk murder with Candace Owens. That's Thanksgiving this year.
1:09:25Tim Dillon:That's Thanksgiving this year. That's what it is. Come solve the murder. Solve the case. I come in, I have a big whiteboard. You come over to my house for Thanksgiving, I have a big whiteboard. And I have names and planes and that's what we're doing. We're going through the whole thing from the jump. That's what we're doing. Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for all of you and obviously the people who watch this show. I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful for our brand sponsorships and partners that align with our core values and mission.
1:10:05I'm thankful for Friends and family I'm kidding I am I'm thankful for I'm thankful for the Mideast peace agreement I am And I hope everybody there Can just kind of take a moment Because it's been a rough Couple of years for a lot of people over there And I hope they realize that Life is oppression And it's time now for rebuilding and healing and not being a knucklehead. Because the last couple of years, people over there have been knuckleheads and dodo birds. And if you're a knucklehead or a dodo bird, it's not the way. So what I'd like you to do if you're in the Middle East, I'm not even specifying where, But if you're in the Middle East, Israel, Palestine, Libya, Lebanon, whatever.
1:11:09Don't, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, even though you fired me, I moved past it. Don't be a knucklehead. That's all I'm saying. Hey, in Chicago, everyone's shooting each other. Stop doing that. I'm thankful I didn't get shot in Chicago. They shot seven people a few blocks away from my hotel. I'm thankful for that. Stop shooting each other. I'm asking you nicely now. It's not, I need to think, Oh, it's cool. If I go shoot this guy and maybe it is cool.
1:11:45I'm not, you know, I can tell you it's not cool. It's probably cool. It's probably cool. If you shoot a guy, people will look at you differently. you'll be treated like a serious person. You might get a woman out of it. It is probably a cool thing to do if you shoot someone in Chicago and kill that person because now you're a legit person. It kind of legitimizes you in the eyes of many people if you shoot someone in a callous way. Like if you shoot them in the face, if you get out of a car and then shoot someone in the face in the middle of Chicago, it's probably a really badass thing to do.
1:12:28but still there's other ways, you know, there's other ways to get those things, get the respect and the woman. That is immediate. Probably. If you shoot someone, your cred goes up really high, really quickly. And people are like overnight people like, wow, that guy's fucking don't fuck with him. but there's other ways to do that that might take a little longer you just have to kind of settle in and screw in for the long haul and they shot seven people in Chicago right outside of the Chicago theater and I'm grateful I was not shot I'm thankful for that I'm thankful for that and I'm thankful for because I played that theater a few times I wasn't playing that theater this time I was in some dump an hour outside getting some new material, and thanks to everyone who came.
1:13:27But I've played that theater a few times, and so I'm thankful I wasn't shot. Walking around downtown Chicago, every day in this country that you're not randomly shot is something you should be thankful for. Every day you were not killed in a car accident, in a road rage incident, every day that you do not contract some type of tick-borne illness, you should be thankful every minute that you are not victimized by some type of roving frothing at the mouth psychopath who you know like we mk ultrad somewhere and like pulled out of the military to put into some special crazy program and like put them in a room with loud music and then just release them as like some type of kind of assassin psychopath and they just wander the highways trying to kill people.
1:14:22Every minute that guy's not in your face is a good minute. Be thankful for that. Every time you're not killed in a national park by whatever, because no one even explains what happens there. People just disappear. But anytime you're not killed by some mysterious thing in a national park that nobody really wants to talk about, although there's areas of these parks you're not allowed to go in and people don't really know what's going on, anytime that's not happening, be thankful. Be thankful. Be thankful. You know what I mean? Anytime your child doesn't call you and go, there was a school shooting and my friend got popped, be thankful because you're living in America.
1:15:05These things are all tragic possibilities. Be thankful. Be thankful. Truly. You don't have to jump up and down or whatever, but like you don't need to be a millionaire. You just be thankful for the simple pleasures, if not having a home invasion, wake you up in the middle of the night. Be thankful. My friend woke up with a gun in her mouth. Give us the Birkin bags. Give us the bags. We'll get out of here. Be thankful. Be thankful that no one has woken you up with a gun in your mouth for your pocketbook yet. Be thankful.
1:15:43Tim Dillon:Be thankful. Be thankful for all these things Be thankful that you are not You know In some type of Crazy Be thankful Israel's not blackmailing you
1:16:02Be thankful Be thankful Be thankful Be thankful you don't live in whatever In that disputed territory That Ukraine-Russia thing up there in the north. Be thankful. Be thankful that you are an American citizen with rights. Not a lot, and they will go away. You have them now. Be thankful for that. Be thankful. You don't need to be a crypto billionaire who's kidnapped and tied to a chair and beaten for their password so they can take the fake money out of your account and the OnlyFans whore. You don't need all that. You don't need all that. You don't need a camera crew that lives in your house that takes photos of you driving Lamborghinis around a parking lot.
1:16:50You don't need it. You don't need it. Get a small little place and hang out there and live a life like a human being.
1:17:02Tim Dillon:You're not going to be able to do that soon. Everything I'm describing is the ultimate luxury. Soon robots are going to drag you out of your house and rape you on the lawn. And there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it. So be thankful that you can have a shitty little life. You're right at the end of humanity. You're right at the end of humanity. Be thankful you can have a shitty little life. Because it's not all going to be sunshine and song. It's not all going to be Coachella and cocaine. We're heading to a real, real interesting situation. Be thankful that you can have a shitty little life in a corner of the world that is still pretty free for now.
1:17:49Tim Dillon:Be thankful. And I am very grateful and I am thankful for all of you. I was kidding about Israel. Love you. Bye. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. One of my favorite things about Rocket Money is that it can track subscriptions and has the ability to cancel unwanted ones with the app with a few taps, giving users an easy way to stop paying for things they don't use. I'm telling you, automatic transaction categorization across accounts plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns.
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1:19:41You should try it. If you like YouTube, you'll love YouTube Premium. So try YouTube Premium for two months free at youtube.com slash premium. Trial eligibility varies, terms apply, cancel anytime. That's a mouthful. Ready for your next adventure? Etihad's Global Sail is here. Witness Nairobi's living traditions. Set sail on Phuket's pristine waters. Or let wonder be your guide in Kuala Lumpur. Book by Thursday and take off to over 50 destinations on sail. Travel from October 2026 to March 2027. Book now at Etihad.com. Etihad. Beyond Borders. The Midwest levels up October 3rd and 4th. Future Play Festival takes over Peoria.
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