504 - Lindsey Graham, Invading Iran & The Summer of Sh*t

32:07Tim Dillon:I've seen no evidence that she has it, but if Ellen DeGeneres died of Kuru, that cannibal disease from eating children, it would be very funny. Obviously not for the children she ate, but for me personally, if I read that and it was from a respectable place, Ellen DeGeneres dies of Kuru, the disease you get from bushmeat, but I'm saying that this is not one of those sites. This is 60 Minutes Australia talking about Jeffrey Epstein, who was engaged in like this weird Dr. Strangelove type of like science experiments and shit in that New Mexico ranch. And I always wondered, I'm like, why don't you hear more about that New Mexico ranch?

32:50Tim Dillon:It's all about that island. And now that island's creepy as fuck. And there was, you know, we know that the island is also probably the source of a lot of, like, immorality, illegality, evil, monstrous behavior. God only knows. But the ranch in New Mexico is super creepy. They're actually trying to investigate it. And I believe the Trump administration is, like, trying to, like, shut it down, the investigation. We can look into that in a second. but again this ranch in New Mexico it's in the middle of nowhere Zorro Ranch so all of this guy's properties by the way you would say to yourself if this guy's just hanging out with 19 year olds and hotties and he's you know he's like a pimp why is he why does he have these lairs in the middle of nowhere it just doesn't make any sense like yeah he had a house in Manhattan he had a townhouse in Manhattan he had a house in Palm Beach He was in areas where people were, but he also, in addition to that, has these very isolated, very strange in the middle of nowhere lairs, like in the middle of New Mexico or an island.

34:06Tim Dillon:And you start saying to yourself, that's interesting. And I wonder what was going on there. And this guy is into some weird stuff. Let's take a listen to this. girls waking up in sort of like a dark room with like a female doctor standing over them feeling like maybe there is some kind of procedure that had happened that they weren't aware of and i believe this is in the files sure there's something in there about a baby actually being born um and then just just disappearing like gillen taking it um i personally never witnessed anything like that but i do remember overhearing conversations about trying to create the perfect baby, the perfect baby, the perfect gene pool.

34:51And I know that there was sort of a hunt, if you will, for the perfect gene pool. Zorro was a wacky hideaway for Epstein and his cronies and a place to enact their most freakish fantasies, including at one point a plan for a controversial designer baby and human cloning project, in which emails from the files show the maniacal Epstein was prepared to invest in, as long as he remained anonymous. We were hearing some of the most horrible and heinous things that anyone could imagine. The allegations span everything from the harvesting of sex organs to allegations of women having forced abortions or forced pregnancies or coerced pregnancies.

35:43I think when we think about the stories and the span of stories, it sounds fictional. It sounds like a horror film. Well, there you go.

35:54Tim Dillon:Forced pregnancy, friend of the show, Jeffrey Epstein, at his Zorro ranch in New Mexico, this guy had interest in transhumanism. He was a eugenicist. he wanted to you know create like the perfect race he wanted to seed the planet with his DNA in some weird way um he hung out with Bill Gates and all these creepy scientists he would bring on bring all these nerd scientists and get them young pussy and then try to I guess ply them for information or get get them on board with whatever project he was looking into but the fact that this guy was able to do all of this for decades without any real pushback, any consequences, one slap on the wrist, sweetheart deal.

36:50Tim Dillon:And the idea that like this, this is not really reported. I mean, we have to go to 60 Minutes Australia, by the way, to file. Where's the New York Times on this? Um, it's a little, it's, it suggests that to me, it suggests that like Epstein was another thing. Like we tend to think of like spies is like 007, James Bond, you know, we tend to think of, uh, Mission Impossible. We tend to think of like the Bourne supremacy. That's what we think of as like spies, like covert operatives running around the world, trying to best each other at the game of espionage. And he's not doing that. It's not him.

37:54Tim Dillon:He's not Jason Bourne. Okay. but there's all kinds of spies. Not all spies are Jason Bourne. Not all spies are running around with, you know, poison ink and a pen and killing you that way. So then you go, well, then there's there's analysts that sit in the CIA and type up reports based on what the Jason Bourne people say. He's not doing that. He wasn't like sitting in the CIA decoding all this raw intelligence and typing up and writing reports and handing them to somebody and going, oh, here's the reports that we got from the station chief in Istanbul about the Muslim Brotherhood and here's what they said.

38:33Tim Dillon:And somebody, we have a cafe bugged and one of our guys runs the cafe and he heard them talking about blah, blah, blah. He's not doing that. That's not his job. Okay. So he's not Jason Bourne. He's not, he's not like, he's not like an analyst, not an intelligence analyst sitting there decoding intelligence and writing reports. He's not doing that. He's not a guy who seems to be really publicly advocating for a specific company. So he's not like running around going like, it's all about Palantir or you got to get on board with Honeywell or General Dynamics or whatever. he's this other thing this like weird strange other thing and his life makes no sense from the beginning of it till the end of it the beginning of his life where he's like a math teacher at a prep school and then he's working at an investment bank and then he owns the largest piece of real estate in Manhattan and then he's controlling Les Wexner's entire fortune and then he's experimenting potentially on women in a ranch in New Mexico because he's into this weird like, you know, eugenics.

39:54Tim Dillon:And then supposedly he kills himself in the most secure prison in the country. None of it makes any sense at all. And then J.D. Vance is on Rogan going, yeah, I'll always believe there's something going on. So here, this is the New York Times. I will have to apologize to the New York Times because they wrote about this, but they're not writing about, I don't see a lot of the eugenic stuff in the New York Times. You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see that. because that's even like too disturbing for them. But New Mexico accuses Department of Justice of obstructing Epstein Ranch inquiry.

40:27Tim Dillon:New Mexico's attorney general unveiled a letter he sent last week to the acting U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanch, accusing the Justice Department of withholding critical evidence. They don't want this solved, by the way. They don't want it solved. They're not going to solve this. They will not solve this. Raul Torres, New Mexico's top law enforcement officer, first requested original documents related to the convicted sex offender Zero Ranch property in February. He said he reiterated the request five times in the following months through a range of channels, but Justice Department officials so far had not responded.

40:59Tim Dillon:The records contain names of survivors, witnesses, co-conspirators, and other individuals who may aid the long-delayed state investigation into the deceased financier's crimes in New Mexico. They're not opening this can of worms. They're not going to do it. they're not going to do it because it leads to something that's good. It's going to be more questions than answers. Like they're going to go like, what was this guy? And then how many of those guys are there? That's the other quote. Like how many Epsteins are there? Cause now like every article written about him was like, he was a special guy.

41:37Tim Dillon:He's a special guy, charismatic, intelligent. He had powerful friends. He was a special guy. But how many of those guys are out there where their lives make no sense? In the world that we understand, Jeffrey Epstein's life makes no sense. It would be like describing an alien to somebody who like didn't need oxygen and could survive, you know, without any type of sunlight or whatever. You're talking about a guy who there's not one thing about his life that makes any sense at all. And you're left with this idea that there's gaping parts of the world that you just don't know anything about. Well, I don't even know anything about how this even works.

42:25Tim Dillon:Even as a conspiracy theorist, you go, I don't know anything about it. Because it's strange even in that sense. Because you go, what is this guy? So I guess it's possible he's just a super motivated pedophile. That's possible. Like he's like a super motivated pedophile. He's just like one of these guys who's like really trying to, you know, make them up. But you know, that also asks questions where you go, how does he get the things he has and how does he have the connections he has. And nobody wants to open that up. And instead of that, we'll just invade Iran. We'll just put boots on the ground with Iran because who gives a fuck?

43:18Who cares about this stuff?

43:23Tim Dillon:Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did. The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just$5. Only at McDonald's for a limited time. Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing. Andy and Anna here from your new favourite podcast, No Such Thing as a Fish. Yes, we are two of the four hosts of the podcast that stuffs fascinating, amazing, weird, mad facts into your ears on a weekly basis. You got any good facts, Andy? Yes, how about this one? Anteaters have evolved on 12 separate occasions.

44:02Wow. Mysterious. Wonderful. The world really wants them to exist. What about this one? When Ronald Reagan left office, he left a note on the White House lawn for the squirrels, warning them to beware of George Bush's dogs. So there you go. If you like fascinating facts and much more besides, we are no such thing as a fish.

44:22Tim Dillon:Trump leans toward expanding U.S. military operations in Iran. This is from The Times. While preferring diplomacy, Trump was briefed this week on options, including the use of ground troops and bombing pickaxe mountain. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to nuke them. He's going to probably nuke them. I mean, they know they've got the one president in there that might use a nuclear weapon. No one else would. They know they've got the guy that may just say, fuck it. He might just get up one day. And say fuck it. Trump hosted a Situation Room meeting Tuesday evening to discuss the potential seizure of Karg Island and other territory along the Strait of Hormuz using U.S.

45:10Tim Dillon:troops, as well as a potential bombing of a tunnel complex at Pickaxe Mountain, a nuclear-linked site the U.S. has yet to target. Expanding airstrikes against more targets in Iran, including energy sites, also remains a possibility. the discussion was one of multiple formal and informal conversations trump has had in recent days with senior officials including jd vance pete hegsath marco rubio dan kane the chairman of the joint chiefs etc they know they know they've got a guy in there who depending on his mood could very well use a nuclear weapon. And there are people probably behind the scenes pushing for that going, listen, you're either going to go down in history as losing this war or you're going to use a nuke.

46:05Tim Dillon:And I know it's going to be tough and it's going to suck and the rest of the world's going to get mad at you. I think China and Russia have probably said that they won't stand by and let us use a nuke. But they probably will. Because then if we use a nuke on Iran, China forever and ever. By the way, China then becomes the moral leader of the world even though they might be already. By the way, China may already be the moral leader of the world right now. I want everyone to think about that. Roll that around in your fucking head. And if we use a nuclear weapon, China will emerge as the clear humanitarian alternative, the West will lose all credibility almost overnight.

46:56Tim Dillon:And China will emerge as the superpower that is humanitarian because they're not going around. Even though they've got that camp of Uyghur Muslims, they put them in a concentration camp, which I don't care about. And no one does, by the way. No one cares about that concentration. They keep trying to get that out. The Republicans keep going, what about the Uyghur Muslim? No one cares about that. Enough. No one gives a shit. Maybe they should, but they don't. China will emerge from this because they're not invading countries. Everybody lives over there in a digital surveillance state, which is whatever.

47:33Tim Dillon:People just don't care. Now, you know, they should, but they don't. And they're not going to care in America either. They don't care. They're not going to care. they're not going to care. This is not a country of people who are like demanding freedom and every, they don't care. They really don't care. So that let's, let's just put the kibosh on that immediately. That there's going to be like a few people can destroy some flat cameras. And by the way, more power to you. Good for you. I don't want any of this shit, but the idea that like the vast majority of people in this country care about its surveillance, they don't care.

48:06Tim Dillon:So you try to hang that on China, like they have a digital credit score. They're no one here can afford any healthcare. No one here could afford anything. So, like, you're asking all these people in America to talk about how horrible China is while their lives suck. Now, China might be much worse than America. Like, I would never want to live there. But what a hard sell that is. You're trying to sell people on the idea that, like, the ultimate evil is China. No one, by the way, you're failing at that. No one believes that. it's like the and I hate using these dumb examples but it's true it's the chick in the office who keeps talking about someone and and to a point where you all go you start siding with the person they're trashing because you go how bad could they be you're the one who keeps coming in here every day telling us how bad they are maybe you're bad and that's what's happening like so if we nuke Iran or if we even invade if we put boots on the ground in Iran here's how this plays out China emerges the single superpower in the in the world with the respect and the United States of America collapses by the way and quickly our dollar will not be the reserve currency for much longer this country will collapse pretty quickly and this war does it boots on the ground does it it will do it because China emerges everyone goes let's make deals with China the West is done the West is done London's done America's done they go we're looking at China we're looking at Shanghai we're looking at Beijing we're looking at fucking Dubai or whatever we're looking at the UAE America couldn't even defend the Gulf states, the bases they had in the Gulf states.

50:05Tim Dillon:America can't even beat Iran. So we've all been told like, whoa, we're the fucking toughest guy on the block. That's not true. We've just kind of been exposed. Doesn't mean we don't have nukes and we don't have missiles. We don't have, you know, a great military and the fact that the people that join it, you know, should obviously be respected and you should hope they win. But let's look at like the facts. The facts on the ground right now are that war no longer works. China realized this years ago. China goes, war doesn't work. China, if China thought war worked, it would have invaded Iran years ago.

50:47Tim Dillon:I'm sorry, not Iran. Taiwan. If China thought war worked, China would have invaded Taiwan. China's smarter enough to go, war doesn't work. Look at Russia and the Ukraine. War worked in the time when you could go and carpet bomb city. Here's who war works for. I'm telling you right now, Israel. And here's why it works for them. They're willing to just go in and kill everybody. You have to be willing to go in and kill everybody for war to work. Otherwise, it doesn't work. Surgical strikes. Winning the information war. No, none of that works. none of it works you have to be willing to go in and basically kill everybody and if you're unwilling to do that it's just a matter of time before you have to it's either going to be a stalemate a frozen conflict you're going to you're going to just your citizens are going to decide it's not worth it war doesn't work it doesn't work and China gets it.

51:59Tim Dillon:China goes, we're just going to spread money around. We're going to do the Belt and Road Initiative. We're going to build schools. And yes, we're going to put everyone in our surveillance grid and our social credit score. And we're taking everybody's freedom and I'm not for any of that. And China's going to go, we're not a country. We will kidnap you if you have too much money. And we're not going to tolerate and we are a centralized control system where people are going to feel like they are free but make no mistake, they are not. But the way we export that control system to the rest of the world is not at the barrel of a gun.

52:35Tim Dillon:They watched our misadventures in the Middle East. They watched us lose credibility. They watched how embarrassing it was. And China goes, no, we're just going to spread a lot of money around. We're going to engage in a lot of corporate espionage. We're going to steal a lot of good ideas. We're going to know what everybody else is doing. and our technological supremacy is going to enslave the world before the United States, the United States is going to go bankrupt themselves with wars and Russia can bankrupt itself with wars because they're still living in the last century when you could do this, when you could invade Ukraine and it would work, it doesn't work.

53:13Tim Dillon:It doesn't work. The fact that they just had to kill Lindsey Graham to feel good about themselves, Russians had to kill Lindsey Graham to just feel good about themselves. They should have been able to win this thing already. America should have been able to win this. Here's Lindsey Graham, by the way, suggesting Israel should nuke Gaza. This is Lindsey Graham. This is a great eulogy for him, friend of the show, Lindsey Graham. So when we were faced with destruction as a nation after Pearl Harbor fighting the Germans and the Japanese, We decided to end the war by bombing Hiroshima and Nagasaki with nuclear weapons.

53:53That was the right decision. Give Israel the bombs they need to end the war they can't afford to lose and work with them to minimize casualties. Can I say this? Why is it okay for America to drop two nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to end their existential threat war? Why was it okay for us to do that? I thought it was okay. to Israel, do whatever you have to do.

54:16Tim Dillon:He must have had so much fun in Israel. He was probably checked into a hotel in Israel and then immediately balls were just bouncing off his chin for 48 hours. He must have had so much fun to be this explicit, to be like, just nuke him. Even people are probably like, Lindsay, let's not go that hard. Even his handlers are probably like, Lindsay, let's rein it in a little bit. Hey, how about you just nuke him? Give him the bombs that are needed to do the job. Why is it okay that we dropped two bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and you can't use nuclear weapons on Gaza? Just nuke them. Duke nuke them, baby.

55:00Like, it's so,

55:02Tim Dillon:I envy the amount of fun he must have had there. Maybe if, listen, if they would provide me with whatever they provided him with, maybe I'd be here being like, just nuke them, god damn it. it's the Christian thing to do is to nuke somebody. I just can't, I can't imagine. But this is, this is all the, and this is, this is actually a good clip. This is all that is left. All that is left, by the way, in these conflicts, I hate to say it and I don't want to be prophetic here because none of these prophecies end up being good, is the only thing that's left to do is to start nuking people. There's nothing left to do.

55:41Tim Dillon:These countries like Russia and the United States, they're taking humiliation after humiliation. We're heaping humiliations on Russia. Hopefully that works out. And we're actually, we're also engaged in some kind of weird humiliation ritual ourself. Because like we are now being found out that we do not have the military supremacy that we thought we did. in the sense that sinister banner shows Trump family in coffins as Iran demands blood for blood. Yeah, I mean, this is what Iran's we killed their leader. We killed their spiritual leader and I imagine they're not thrilled about that. You know, this is just like it's so hard to like talk to people because people, everyone's like a goldfish.

56:37Tim Dillon:They have no memory. So goldfish, like every time they go around that little bowl, it's like, oh, wow, a castle, some trees, ooh, food. Like goldfish don't know what's going on. So we also have that because like you would see this. You go, okay, look at what Iran is doing. And you go, yeah, but we like killed their spiritual leader. On like day one of the war, we just whacked the guy. What do you think happens? How do you think they respond to that? But war doesn't work. This is what we've learned. We've learned this over the last 12 to 24 months. We saw it with Russia and Ukraine. We saw it. War does not work unless you are willing to deliver a real, like, devastating blow to a large number of civilians.

57:31Tim Dillon:otherwise war doesn't war doesn't really work in this era number one it's on TikTok it's on social media that's why they're banning all these apps for kids they're not banning them because they care about your kids mental health I've said it before they're banning it because young people are kind of they're the ones getting really fucked over by what's going on now and they want to know why their countries are being delivered to organizations like the EU and I'm not saying everything's bad about the EU but they're going like, why do I have to accept higher levels of migration, less economic opportunity?

58:07Tim Dillon:Why do I have to accept certain cultural norms that I may or may not agree with? Why does it feel like there's a monoculture that's being thrust on me and my generation of people? And those people start questioning those things. So that's why they're getting rid of social media because they don't want people being exposed to those debates. They don't want people seeing that. They basically need compliance. And the way that you get compliance from people is to take away their ability to get information. So, you know, and by the way, every group of people is fighting for that generation of people.

58:53Tim Dillon:So if you're an Islamist, you want those kids and you want them to convert to Islam. If you are a Christian nationalist, you want them to be a part of the project of fusing Christianity and politics. If you are a radical Zionist, you want to convert those kids to the idea that Israel's owed large swaths of the surrounding countries and that that's a biblical prophecy. if you are a secular, you know, LGBTQIA2 +, you know, you're trying to convert that generation to your way of thinking. And it's a battleground. And now the internet's just hate. It's just groups of people that hate each other. There's almost no, I got to be honest with you, there's almost no reason, this show, of course, is, but there's almost no reason to go on the internet anymore really, I mean, it's all AI slop and just hate.

59:56Tim Dillon:It's just groups of people who hate other groups of people and blame them for why society looks the way it does. It's a bunch of cultures competing to be who can be a victim. It is really a depressing, dispiriting place. But make no mistake, they're not taking it away from young people to safeguard their mental health. You can't say this. We should take away TikTok because it fucks with young people's mental health, but also we should draft them to fight Iran. Because by the way, I imagine, and again, not a doctor, but I imagine that would do something to their mental health as well. Putting them on an aircraft carrier and putting them in the Persian Gulf, that might do something to their mental health as well.

1:00:43Tim Dillon:I'm aware TikTok drives up anxiety. But you can't make the argument that you are trying to safeguard young people's mental health if you are willing to ship them to Iran. It just doesn't work. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. You know where these kids can finally get rid of their anxiety? On a flight to Iran. It doesn't make any sense to anybody. And this is an old way of running the world. China's realized this years ago, China's like, it's not going to be wars. It's going to be a digital surveillance grid that everyone lives under and everyone will be happy enough. This is what China has realized.

1:01:31Tim Dillon:China is like, listen, we're going to put everybody, we're going to wrap the tentacles of the digital control grid slowly around people by giving them money. making investments in their infrastructure and their economy. We're going to do that. And let America run around the globe with a gun, losing wars, bankrupting itself. Let Russia do the same thing. Let Israel do it. China is sitting back. And again, no fan of China. Don't want China to win. But how's that going? China is going to emerge from this. as the leader of the world and may already have for two main reasons. Number one, China has realized that the ways of dominating the globe that existed for thousands of years are no longer effective.

1:02:33Tim Dillon:They're no longer effective. You're not going to be able to whack the leader of a country and see everybody fall in line. You're not going to be able to show up with a bunch of aircraft carriers and fighter jets and take over a country of 90 million people and get them to think the way you think. China knows that's not effective. They know that. And the second reason China is emerging as the leader of the world is because the things that they are putting their energy into are the new ways to dominate the world, which is a massive digital grid that everybody will exist on. That's 1 ,000 % where it's all going.

1:03:20Tim Dillon:I don't like where it's going. I've been very honest about not liking where it's going, but they know that's where it's going. And we know that's where it's going. That's why we're trying to like do it here and they're doing it there and whatever. But they're just watching us take L's. We're just stacking L's. And the only way to get out of this is to Trump start firing nukes. I hope he doesn't do it. I hope he doesn't do it. But he's a lunatic. So and when Trump nukes Iran, J.D. Vance will go right on Rogan. I mean, Joe, isn't it crazy? Isn't it crazy that Trump, you know, the president was very clear in the beginning of this that he didn't want Iran to have a nuclear weapon.

1:04:03And, you know, we got to a point when we had to deliver quite a devastating blow to

1:04:11Tim Dillon:Iran. And it's unfortunate, you know, lots of people died. You know, I'm a Christian, Joe. I hate that. I hate to see anyone die. You know, of course, I was in the situation room when we fired the nuclear weapons at them. But, you know, I said a little prayer. I'm a Christian, Joe. Of course, I wouldn't want anyone hurt. Of course, we did kill tens of thousands of people instantaneously. And then sometimes I just think to myself, Joe, you know, you ever just think to yourself, you ever just think to yourself, isn't it crazy where life takes you? You know, if you had told me I'd be sitting in the situation room, we fired nuclear weapons on Iran, I would have told you you were nuts.

1:04:54Tim Dillon:I would have told you you were crazy and I went down I sat with Usha we had a nice dinner and I said to her I said isn't this wild just look around at our life and you know she silently ate eggplant she doesn't you know eat meat of course she's in that demon religion all these demons they don't eat meat but I said to her I said what a crazy day at work because it's just for me it's another day at work It's another day at work. You know, some people go and teach the kids at the school. Some people go and, you know, trade the stocks. But, you know, I went into work today and we vaporized. A lot of people just killed a lot of people.

1:05:34Tim Dillon:Joe, we killed a lot of people today. And I don't like that. Something I don't like. But, you know, as the vice president, my job is to just kind of sit there while we nuke a country and just kind of provide my opinion. and then we just try to minimize the damage. You know, I say a prayer. I try to provide the president with all the support he needs. But that's where we're going. That's where we're going. J.D. Vance will be on a nuke tour. He'll be on a nuke tour. No, no, no, no, no. Trust me. J.D. Vance will be on a PR tour after we nuke Iran and he'll be sitting there on all the podcasts. You know what I mean?

1:06:15Tim Dillon:He'll be on Call Her Daddy. He'll do everything. And he'll be there trying to justify the use of nuclear weapons because, unfortunately, that's the only way to go.

1:06:28Andy and Anna here from your new favourite podcast, No Such Thing As A Fish. Yes, we are two of the four hosts of the podcast that stuffs fascinating, amazing, weird, mad facts into your ears on a weekly basis. You got any good facts, Andy? Yes, how about this one? Anteaters have evolved on 12 separate occasions. Wow. Mysterious. Wonderful. The world really wants them to exist. What about this one? When Ronald Reagan left office, he left a note on the White House lawn for the squirrels, warning them to beware of George Bush's dogs. So there you go. If you like fascinating facts and much more besides, we are No Such Thing As A Fish.

1:07:11Andy and Anna here from your new favourite podcast, No Such Thing As A Fish. Yes, we are two of the four hosts of the podcast that stuffs fascinating, amazing, weird, mad facts into your ears on a weekly basis. You got any good facts, Andy? Yes, how about this one? Anteaters have evolved on 12 separate occasions. Wow. Mysterious, wonderful. The world really wants them to exist. What about this one? When Ronald Reagan left office, he left a note on the White House lawn for the squirrels warning them to beware of George Bush's dogs. So there you go. If you like fascinating facts and much more besides, we are no such thing as a fish.

1:07:52Tim Dillon:Quick before we get out of here, bacteria shuts down beaches coast to coast in the US. You can't go to the beach anymore because there's shit in the water. Let's listen to this. Tonight from California to Cape Cod, beachgoers escaping scorching summer temps are running into a wave of issues. Dozens of beaches in Massachusetts temporarily shut down. Officials posting water quality warnings at beaches in New York, New Jersey, Washington State, and here in Southern California, where the famed Santa Monica Pier comes flanked with signs sharing swim at your own risk. Is it harmful? Is it not? I mean, when you hear bacteria, you automatically think it's harmful.

1:08:33The heightened levels of bacteria discovered, a sign water may be contaminated with germs or fecal matter.

1:08:39Tim Dillon:Here's what it is. This is what all the tech people wrote. We're at the end of this. We're at the end of this being a livable planet. And they know that. And that's where they're trying to get out of here. You know, like, you know, it's 110 degrees and you're just trying to cool off and you can't swim in the ocean because it's a toilet. And there's shit everywhere. So the tech people know that. I mean, let's say this. Creeps, sure. Freaks, absolutely. But they know, they know that this is, look, whatever this has been is ending. We're watching this and we're going towards a new thing. We don't know what that new thing's going to be.

1:09:23Tim Dillon:We talked about a little bit what it's going to look like, but they know this. You can't even swim in the ocean anymore because it's just bacteria and shit and all these factories and stuff and company, they just dump shit in the oceans and they dump bacteria and they don't care. And, you know, eventually you just spoil the planet and you go, we got to go somewhere else. We got to get out of here. We got to get out of here. But before we can get out of here, we got to build the digital grid so that people can just chill in that while we figure out how to get out. Because they're going to say to people like, listen, don't go swim in the shit water.

1:10:05Tim Dillon:go on this app and you feel like you're there. Like they got to build, the reason the digital grid is so important is that it will pacify the people just long enough for them to get off the planet. Trust me, that is what they want. Their goal is to get the fuck off this planet and the way to do that is to keep everybody chill while they figure out how to do it so they got to introduce this digital thing where they go guys it's a digital amusement park you live in that that's where you're going that's where you're traveling how about that so that's what they got to do before they can just get out of here because by the way and I don't think they will get out of here I think the ultimate folly of what they believe is they're going to go down with the ship just like everybody else but in their minds everybody's in their mind they got to think this is all leading to something.

1:11:03Tim Dillon:So they're, they're sitting around going, listen, nobody's fixing any of these cities. They're not getting fixed. It's, you know, crimes down in some of them, which is great. But like, I mean, like infrastructure, you know, it's, they're not going to be vibrant cities anymore. We're just going to let them go. You know, the water's got high levels of bacteria, drinking water in a lot of areas isn't safe. That's not going to get better. RFK and Cheryl. I mean, did you see this? He's like fighting a yak. This was the guy who was going to try to help the food. The food's as bad as it's ever been. That was all fake, by the way.

1:11:36Tim Dillon:He was going to look into all of the vaccines and the food. He didn't do any of that. It's fake. So he's like on some summer vacation with Cheryl and some yak. He's like on his Instagram. He's like, we did a 10-mile hike up the mountain and I saw a yak. And then I pushed the yak with my phone and it ran away. and you're like, hey, man, weren't you supposed to, like, I don't know, like, ban the Big Gulp or something? They've done nothing. But all they could do is just move us to European standards on the food. They've done none of that because the corporations, Trump's a junk food addict. It's the junk food presidency.

1:12:15Tim Dillon:And all the people that own the big food conglomerates, they're like, well, no, you're not banning shit. They banned one dye, this one red dye. so none of it's getting fixed and the tech people are basically like we just have to get out of here because yeah here we are this is the health and human services secretary this is the guy who's going to fix the food sure maybe you should get inside the cage yeah it's dangerous

1:12:57come on honey get up on the other side of that

1:13:02Tim Dillon:get on the other side of this stone wall he's fighting a yak all right get him out of here so that's now what our country has become our country now he's doing content the secretary of Health and Human Services is now doing content on social media with wild animals. He's now become some weird version of the crocodile hunter. He's now like, he's the Steve Irwin that we, we, we, we deserve. You know what I mean? It's like, it's so, so that's what it is. So the tech people, again, they know this thing's cooked and they're just looking for a way out. But before they can get that, everybody's got to like voluntarily go into this matrix control grid thing only because like everybody's just going to have to be well behaved because, you know, there's going to be a lot of reasons to not behave.

1:14:01Tim Dillon:That's, that's coming. There's going to be a lot of reasons to not behave, like having no money, having no job, having not a lot of food, an energy crisis, like there's a lot of reasons for people to take to the streets. So what they got to do is like get people to doing something. They got to get people doing something so that they're not out in the streets so that the tech people can just basically plan their escape because that's what they're trying to do. They believe that they believe they're trying to get off the planet, merge with technology. Once they, once they merge with AI, it won't be that long.

1:14:36Tim Dillon:they go once we have quantum computing once AI is you know as smart as anything that's ever been times a million then they'll be able to just get the fuck out of here they go because we'll but we're going to merge with this AI so otherwise this AI would just get rid of us and then leave we're going to merge with it so that we and this is Musk all these guys want this we're going to merge with this intelligence so that we then have it and we can get the fuck out of Dodge and then leave the people here on this rotted bacteria, you know, planet of shit oceans and smog and wildfire smoke and hell and lettuce at Taco Bell causing diarrhea and everything.

1:15:26Tim Dillon:They know that this is what it is. Like this is, most of the stories this summer have been about shit. They've been about shit. There's shit in the ocean. People can't stop shitting because of the food they're eating. Most of the stories this summer have been about fecal matter. Most of them. And they know that the planet is turning to literal shit. Literal shit. Not a metaphor. And the tech people know that. So they just go, listen, they're all going to eat these burritos and shit themselves. And then there's going to be shit in the water and they're going to go swim in the shit. and we just got to give these people fucking some fucking meta glasses or whatever and just let them sit on their couch and they can shit themselves and they can watch the World Cup through their meta glasses because we're getting the fuck out of here.

1:16:17Tim Dillon:That is what they're doing. They go, we're getting the fuck out of Dodge. So put your meta glasses on, sit on the couch, and shit yourself and watch the World Cup because we are getting the fuck out of here. That's what they're doing. that's 100 % what they're doing you know I mean it's the summer of diarrhea this is the summer of uncontrollable shit this is the summer of people not being able to control their ass that's what it is this is not the sexy summer this is a shit summer brought to you by Taco Bell and then whoever is dumping all of that shit in the ocean that people are trying to swim in.

1:17:03Tim Dillon:It's almost like invading Iran, it's almost like it's the only story that wouldn't involve literal human shit.

1:17:14Tim Dillon:So that's the kind of summer we're having in America. And the people know, the people know what it is. They know what it is. They know what's going on here. We're announcing a few new dates in the fall. TimDillonComedy.com. Enjoy, folks, enjoy your week. Swim in the shit. Just go swim in the shit because your family won't know the difference and maybe one of them dies, but you can't afford them anyway. Swim in the shit water. And if one of your children dies, it'll be a tragedy, but you'll, back to school shop, it will be a lot easier. Anyway, that's our statement. That's our hopeful take for you.

1:17:58Tim Dillon:and see you next week.

1:18:03Andy and Anna here from your new favourite podcast, No Such Thing As A Fish. Yes, we are two of the four hosts of the podcast that stuffs fascinating, amazing, weird, mad facts into your ears on a weekly basis. You got any good facts, Andy? Yes, how about this one? Anteaters have evolved on 12 separate occasions. Wow. Mysterious, wonderful. The world really wants them to exist. What about this one? When Ronald Reagan left office, he left a note on the White House lawn for the squirrels, warning them to beware of George Bush's dogs. So there you go. If you like fascinating facts and much more besides, we are No Such Thing As A Fish.

1:18:47Andy and Anna here from your new favourite podcast, No Such Thing As A Fish. Yes, we are. two of the four hosts of the podcast that stuffs fascinating, amazing, weird, mad facts into your ears on a weekly basis. You got any good facts, Andy? Yes. How about this one? Anteaters have evolved on 12 separate occasions. Wow. Mysterious. Wonderful. The world really wants them to exist. What about this one? When Ronald Reagan left office, he left a note on the White House lawn for the squirrels, warning them to beware of George Bush's dogs. So there you go. If you like fascinating facts and much more besides, we are No Such Thing As A Fish.