The Riff-Off Live: Wednesday, January 28th, 2026

0:20I sound amazing. Welcome back to The Toast and happy Tuesday. Ryan Lochte was on season one of Traitors. Thank you. Star asterisk, it's Wednesday. So sorry about that. Not me accurately predicting who would make a good Traitors cast. And lo and behold, the casting team thought so as well. Yeah, I'm glad we all agreed. You are aware it's Wednesday. You're kidding. Yeah, good news for you. Love that for me. Wait, you're kidding. Yeah, Wednesday. Yesterday, dear toasters. Oh, yesterday, dear toasters. Duh. Okay, so sorry, everyone. Happy Wednesday. Yay! Already issuing a correction. Yeah, as Ben would say, it's probably the injections getting to me.

0:57I have to tell you something. So yesterday, yeah, you guys are probably wondering why I look so different. I finally, after two years, got Botox and lip filler. Now my upper lip is very swollen. You're talking a little different too. My upper lip, like it hurts. Like it's very swollen. No problem. Just bear with me. And Ben is one. I forgot because I haven't gotten like any sort of Botox in so long. Ben is so dramatic. So dramatic? He keeps calling it the injections. Okay, so this morning I was like, oh my God, I am so tired. Ruby has a runny nose So like it was Not the best night's sleep Like I'm just tired I'm allowed to be fucking tired I wake up I'm like I am so tired And Ben is like You think it's the injections?

1:31Like I'm like No Like the injections Calm down Like he's being so dramatic yesterday And he was like And like what's in these injections? I'm like I don't fucking know Who cares? Like leave me alone He's being so dramatic Botox Cause it's toxic I actually got Dysport They were like Do you have a preference? And I was like Honestly Dysport or Datport? I'm like the cheaper port please like it was an expensive afternoon um yeah i don't care so if i'm looking different it's the disport yeah um do you want to tell us what you did sure i did disport in my forehead that's like botox but i was i was having to explain to the doctor i'm like yeah like i'm kind of like a comedian like a personality is a new doctor i've never been to um and so i'm on camera a lot and so i still like to emote you know i don't want to be totally frozen so she understood um and then i was telling her about like my upper lip saga which she also understood she gave me what I believe is a kiss.

2:20Excuse me? Well, she kissed me, sorry. Excuse? She kept saying to the nurse, like, a kiss. So I think that's just like when your upper lip needs to be a little, because she didn't put anything in my lower lip. My lower lip is like fine and normal. Oh, interesting. My upper lip curls up when I smile. So she did a little Botox under my nose. Oh my God, it was so fucking painful. And I also got a full body check while I was there. Wow. What? No, nothing. What? No, nothing. Cardboard Koji goes for injections? What? But Cardboard Koji did go for injections because you already commented about the price of Dyspor versus Botox.

2:52OK, I don't know what the difference is. And I'm sure like I got the more expensive one because I was just like, yeah, whatever you recommend. Just throwing money at the problem. Yeah. So Cardboard Koji, I spent three thousand dollars. So would Cardboard Koji ever, ever do it? No. Just 2K on a random afternoon. But I was watching our show, the best show on earth. Like seriously, the greatest show. And it's interesting, like our eyebrows up until today, both of our eyebrows like move so much. Like we're so emotive. You know, the face I pulled an unremarkable student. Like, I don't know that I could have made that face if I had Botox.

3:24So like enjoy this moment for what it is. The show is very expressive, as am I. But yeah, our fireheads were moving more than they probably ever moved. Our fireheads. More than they ever moved in the show. I know. I was thinking that like I remember when I was doing stand up, I was doing less Botox because like it really was so important that I move. And now like I seriously don't care. um you guys the show's amazing regardless of whether my eyebrows move and they don't and a lot of you listen as a podcast oh true so this is irrelevant yeah so i'm just like filled with with stuff with toxins and injections and i'm jealous whatever like she could have seriously put anything in there but that's like the good cut even the crunchy moms like they still do of course and i also like not to bring down the mood that's like beyond the pale not to bring in the mood but while I was there like they said you know we have also because it was a cosmetic dermatologist they were like also you should get a full body check and like sure even though there's something so humiliating about a full body check I'm like my full body like the whole thing like even under my shirt and so yeah I did a whole body check and yeah not me having something irregular on my back it's been biopsied so stay tuned it's good that you did that though it's good that I did that like I wasn't expecting like full body checks are just sort of supposed to go off without a hitch and she did my back very last.

4:39I was just sort of like scrolling there on my phone. And she was like, you know, I see something irregular in your back. I'm going to biopsy it. So I had to get numb. It hurts so fucking bad. She scraped it off. So yeah, tune in next week to find out if it's melanoma. Okay. I don't know. I just feel like if I make light of it, it won't be melanoma. If I keep calling it. I also feel like, you know, lab's got a lab. I know. You know what? She was giving Sully. Like, I think she just wanted to scrape my back. Yeah. That's what she's trained to do. Yeah. Even though I was like, can I see? And she like zoomed in on her like little stethoscope and took a picture for me.

5:07And you could understand why it was a regular? It was not regular, for sure. But there's a million things that a regular could be. A lot of them, like, nothing. Yeah, so, hopefully. But I just feel like if I keep saying it's melanoma, like, it won't be, you know? Yeah. This is your time to get your skin checked, guys. Yeah, and it's nice that, like, you didn't even have to, like, seek it out. Like, it just sort of, like, fell into a lot. I was never gonna go. You were never gonna go. Yeah. So that's really good. Yeah. So stay tuned, you know, for the results. Well, I'm really excited about your new lips.

5:33You know, when I love... I love work done. Yeah, and work was done. And then also we like laid out future plans like for, you know, my next 10, 15 years. That was fun. You had a 10 to 15 year plan. Yeah. Could that office accommodate all of your plans? Okay, it's not that many. And yeah. Like what sort of plans? Well, I was just, I don't want to say it because then like people start pointing it out, you know, like something that bothers me about my face. I totally agree. Because people like, even if they never noticed it, it'll be like in my comments. You guys feel like her blank is getting blank, you know?

6:01I completely agree. So I'll tell you after. Leave your insecurities dormant. Like when Chris Appleton wanted us to say what we hate about ourselves. Nothing. And I'm certainly not going to tell the internet. I can understand why that's a good exercise in self-care. No, but he's also a man. No, but also, it's not just the three of us in the room. A thousand percent. I'll tell you off camera. A thousand percent. Sit down. How much time do you have? One thousand percent. Yeah. It's not really an activity for the public square. No, it's not for public consumption. Like, it's just not. Sorry. So if you want to know, you guys guess.

6:34No, I'm kidding. Don't. No, I won't. And that's very exciting. I'm a couple months behind you, but enjoy these looks while you have them. Enjoy these eyebrows. Lots of lots of motion. Not even. You look so great. Well, you know, I've been using my pads, my viral pads. She did mention the pads, the doctor. She said, have you tried these viral pads that I saw on my favorite Instagrammer's Instagram? And I said, actually, that's my sister. Yeah. What about the sister? Yeah, right. I said, that's literally my sister. The pads are padding, so it is what it is. You won't even need to go to the doctor.

7:05No, but imagine once I go to the doctor, plus I'm using the pads. 12 years old. 1 ,000%. 12-year-old. I aim to be 12. Alert, alert. Minor on the loose. Unaccompanied minor. You're going to look so young when you get on a plane. They're going to say, where's your chaperone, ma 'am? Where's your chaperone, ma 'am? Where's your chaperone, miss? Little miss. Little girl. Little girl. And we did not watch Tommy Lies last night because we were playing Mahjong. So sorry about that. Recap will be coming tomorrow. Yeah. And also Kim is on Chloe in Wonderland today. Apparently she's talking about all the things, including what we literally asked her for, the Meghan Markle photos.

7:40And I didn't read about it. I'm going to watch the episode today. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I need to hear it from her lips. Straight from the wrist's mouth. Full of context, full of facial expressions, as much as they can emote, even though she tried Botox once and didn't like it. Even though, okay, I'm actually so glad you brought that up because on my way, I was thinking about how on chloe in wonderland one of the questions in part one was like what's a plastic surgery or cosmetic thing that you can't live without and kim said probably botox um and like remember when she got botox on tv and said she was allergic to it and so we were supposed to be believing this whole time that like she wasn't getting botox because she like has psoriasis or whatever yeah like okay there was an era where the kardashians were so like annoying about that like remember when kim got her buttocks right like girl right like can we just say it i don't know it's like the one thing that you that she won't right like now they've embraced like kim got her face uh kim chris got her facelift kylie's shared her breasts like come on yeah chloe's too like chloe's is kind of crazier than kim's yeah all the girls well no not courtney not not courtney not kendall oh did you see kendall's commercial yeah it's a story okay we'll talk about it because i thought it was so great yeah i did as well um might have to get out the toasty lions list i know And I never thought we'd be getting at the Toasty Lions list for Kendall Jenner.

8:52No. Or so soon. Like, I just felt like the bar was too high. I guess with Super Bowl coming up, you know, the marketers are marketing. Right. It's almost that time, you guys. Be careful for what you get targeted with. They're vying for placement on Toasty Lions. But we do have to add to Toasty Lions Bruno for Better Wild. He did ads for dental health treats. Okay. Which is just hysterical. I feel like we're, you're right. Now, like, people release their Super Bowl commercials. like was the Fabletics? Not Fabletics. Yeah, because she's, well, I think it was a pre-Super Bowl commercial because she's on her way to the Super Bowl in this commercial.

9:26Oh, right. And then I think there'll be a commercial in the Super Bowl. Because I hate, like, why can't the Super Bowl commercials just like air during the Super Bowl and have it be special? Like, no, people have to release it three days in a row. They have to make commercials leading up to the commercials. It's like people are doing too much. Yeah, but like you spend so much on this commercial. I understand wanting to like beef it up, but it better be good is all I'll say. And this is good, so this is enjoyable, but like when it's Dunkin', like Dunkin'-ing. Agreed. With more Dunkin'. Well, if you want to know who the Dunkins are rooting for, they've already made that clear.

9:59Yeah. Because there are zero Dunkin' Donuts in Seattle, Washington, which is crazy, but there's like 3 ,000 in Boston. But didn't Starbucks start in Seattle? So they might have a monopoly on the state. Oh, this is kind of like the Seattle Starbucks. It's Starbucks versus Dunkin'. I think I'm rooting for Starbucks. I low-key have Starbucks every single morning. I don't go to Starbucks. I like their supermarket products. You guys know I like the medium unsweetened. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's huge for me. I don't know. If Coffee Mate was a team, I would be rooting for them, too. But I think I might be rooting for the Seattle Starbucks.

10:29I might be rooting for the Seattle Egg White Bites. I know. Just something to think about. Something to think about. Well, we still have to solidify our game day plans. We do have to solidify our game day plans. Who wants to have a messy kitchen? Because wherever we go, Ben's going to cook. I know. So it's like you or Olivia. I'm scared. Unless we go out. But like that's not fun. No. I want to have like a relaxing like a real true American Super Bowl. Yeah. I need to like line up my zip bound shot. So I'm like free to eat what I want. Please. Yeah. I weighed myself this morning. What are you down?

11:0012 pounds. And like I look exactly the same. What's fucking sadder than that? That's not true. And your energy is like lighter. For sure. You know when you start like shedding the weight and you're like feeling good. You're like you have a different aura. Like aura. Yeah. I had taken a couple like a week off from wanting myself because I got my period. And there's just no use on going on that emotional roller coaster. That's not. Oh, my period's over. Did I tell you guys I got my period? It's kind of like a period t-shirt. We manufactured it. So it should make it only. We should do a line of like Eternity merch, the period collection.

11:32Yeah. Write that down. We have a lot of big ideas. What else? Well, we have maternity for eternity. Of course. Oh, you mean a lot of merch ideas. And our men's collection paternity. Yeah, I love that. Oh, yeah, we have a lot of merch ideas. Now that we're Eternity merch, the possibilities are endless. The rebrands are endless. Yeah. We need Redheads merch now that the Redheads have a new joie de vivre. It feels like kind of, maybe it's only because it's the new year, but it feels like a lot of renewed rebirth energy. Yeah. Amongst our brands, our branding. Yeah, it does. I feel like, has your January January-ed as we close out the month soon?

12:10Did I say that I had a resolution? I feel like you did. I think it was my Zetbound, right? Like I had already started two weeks early. That's not like a resolution. But I feel like you said. Eating healthy? That's not like a resolution. Well, you didn't come on here to say you're going to eat healthy. No, I said I was starting my health journey. No, no, no. I'm saying that. But I do feel like you had a resolution. It's not good that we can't remember it. Because I'm obviously not keeping up on it. If it was my subscriptions, I'm kind of crushing that. Canceling my peacock when I get home. I have a resolution.

12:39I feel like it didn't. But do you feel like you have successfully January-ed? No. I feel like you have. Really? I haven't been home, so I haven't been on top of my shit. But you've been on top of your work. I've been crushing it at work, yeah. Hysterical. You're on your Zep-Bound weight loss journey. You have a new face. That's actually true. You've accomplished a lot from January 1st to January 28th. You've done a lot. Yeah, I guess. Thanks for hyping me up. So have you. Thank you. But I'm not in really a position to January so hard. I know. But I'm meeting my... She'll be January-ing in April, so come back.

13:12Like April 1st. Yeah. Actually, April 7th. If we're going to be like. Yeah, get the month all the way. Well, we'll see. We'll see. We'll see. Look, I guess. Let's get into the stories. There's a lot to discuss. I feel like we keep waiting. We also got$100 ,000 haircuts, like in January. I got$50 ,000. I only got half a haircut. But you got like the front, which is the important half. Yeah, but I'm a$50 ,000. I'm walking around with this hair,$50 ,000. This hair? $100 ,000. It's something, though. I was almost as a hero. I wanted that we're going to have a good time. Hands up to the sky. We're going to get toasty tonight.

13:47I feel like we are going to get toasty tonight. You have plans tonight? I actually do have plans tonight. So do I. But I also think I'll be getting toasty. Yeah. Do you feel? Yeah, I got plans tonight. Do you got plans tonight? I'm going out tonight. No. Do you got plans tonight? I'm a couple hundred miles from Japan tonight. Yeah, I have plans tonight. Do you want to share them? No, she's private. Yeah, we just got big plans. Big, big plans. Yeah. Yeah, you know I got some big, big plans. But a little house and I'm going to have... We could go on forever with this game. Oh, yeah. That would be a fun game.

14:27Patreon. Where we play the game where you say a word and then you have to go back and forth. It's literally Pitch Perfect, the riff. The riff off. we are the riff off podcast the riff off live um no we just have to do it like the riff off the past five oh that do okay we're just sort of like circling the drain now no i had like one more thought on our riff offs but do you ever have a day where like your brain and your mouth aren't connected well you have a different mouth so that would make sense oh therein lies the issue as ben would say it's the injection your brain is not connected to your new mouth i'm just feeling like kind of like crazy you know are you like my eyes my brain and my mouth like are three different organs well you're holding it together really well oh really and i'm not giving like crazy person yeah no oh okay good here we go well without further do to do to do this crazy ass podcast here are the fast five stories that you do need to know speaking of january are you starting off 2026 transitioning off of a glp1 we've all been there it is one of the hardest things in the world january hard enough last year um well highly recommend checking out prolon's five-day fasting mimicking diet, which offers a drug-free way to keep results while supporting long-term metabolic health.

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16:34Prolon is clinically proven to protect muscle mass and promote fat loss, helping you sustain your weight loss. Just visit prolonlife.com slash toast for our offer because they are offering a limited time 15 % off site-wide plus a bonus gift when you subscribe to their five-day program. You go to prolonlife.com slash toast, that's P-R-O-L-O-N-L-I-F-E.com slash toast to claim that 15 % discount plus the bonus gift at prolonlife.com slash T-O-A-S-T. Today's episode is also brought to you by Little Spoon. You know that moment when it's 6 p.m. kids are screaming and you're staring into the fridge holding a snack pouch?

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18:24And don't forget to use our show's code for 30 % off your first order. Thank you, your first turt. I remember my first turt. Our first story, the aforementioned Kendall Jenner fanatic sports book commercial. So yesterday, Kendall premiered her new commercial for the Super Bowl. She's trolling her athlete exes and poking fun at her family's alleged dating curse in a new Super Bowl commercial. In the ad for fanatic sports book, the supermodel who has previously dated several NBA players jokes that any basketball player who dates her hits quote a rough patch and that she's been betting on it all these years and that's how she makes all of her money what did you think she made it from modeling hysterical like the whole commercial the concept like 10 out of 10 the execution 10 out of 10 she looked gorgeous whatever filter they had like it was so like south of france it was so gorgina vagina the styling i loved everything about it and you just know who's rolling over in her grave is that that ben simmons sister remember when ben simmons sister was like coming for kendall like that she like wanted to eat a cookie or something like it was so weird to make them cookies like from slice and bake and and she like cut them weird wow okay well who's laughing now ben simmons sister wow you really are disgusting wow you really are disgusting um this was so good and you know what shout out i didn't even know fanatics had a sport book you know i know yeah i thought they made merch and they like throw parties i don't really know what they do but now i know they're also a sports fanatics is merch yeah i found myself there now as a boy mama oh they have nice cowboys merch yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.

19:53And now they have fanatic sports book. So you can bet on the Super Bowl. That's the message. Honestly, like the message got through. That's also part of a toasty line is like, did I successfully understand the mission? Right. And like what your brand does. Yeah. The funniest part of the commercial was at the end. Like she's joking the whole time about how like she's, you know, cursed and her siblings are cursed and everyone that they date like stinks at their game, whatever. She bets on it and makes money. And then she's like, oh, the Kardashian curse. And she's like, that's not even my last name.

20:20Oh, my God. I didn't even see that part of the commercial. It's the last line of the commercial when she's sitting on the plane. That's hilarious. It was expertly written. AI could never. I need to give Kendall a lot of credit for agreeing to this concept. Not only like to make fun of herself and her exes, but I felt like there were things in there that I would have assumed that she would not. Ever speak on. No, like make fun of herself for. Like I feel like she takes a lot of pride in her driving like vintage cars and the fact that she made a joke like she can't drive. And then she drove backwards.

20:45It's really funny and self-deprecating. And I do. Sometimes she comes off as like a little bit humorless. and like all of this sort of dispelled that. No, this is such, she should have done it. I'm sure she got paid. I don't want to talk about how much she got paid. I'm sure she got paid a lot. This is something she should have done for free because everyone's talking about it. It's so positive for her. I think, yes, she does often come off as like humorless and also takes herself really seriously with like her horses and her hobbies. And it's just like, okay, you're a nerd. So this was great for her image and a huge payday.

21:15I would love to know how much she got paid. She did post the commercial on her Instagram, right? That's how I saw it. Oh, I don't know. Chris also posted it. Yeah. So like the social deliverables, she probably gets at least a million dollars for an Instagram. And then like her day rate, her name and likeness. I want to say this is like a five, six million dollar payday for her. And I think it also just went a long way, not only financially, but just boosting morale for Kendall. Because she does sort of fall flat a lot on the show. Her personality. Yeah. Also, I think this is part of a larger commercial package just because of the story that they're telling.

21:49Like, she's on her way to the Super Bowl to go mess with some players. She's obviously going to be in San Francisco, like, with Fanatics. Yes. In the Fanatics suite or wearing a Fanatics shirt. Yes. It's a larger partnership. And I think there will be another commercial that airs during the game. That's a really good call. About her time, who she's betting on for the game because, you know, maybe the joke is she's dating someone on one of the teams. So they will lose. I can't remember because I feel like we've sort of gotten to a place with Super Bowl like Super Bowl fatigue the commercials it's like how many celebrities can we put and like it's not funny anymore it's very hard to stand out unless you're gonna like make me cry like remember that like farmer's dog one that made us cry it's hard to stand out just because everybody's like literally uses all their budget for their Super Bowl commercial and it's just not funny anymore and it's hard to stand out and so I can't remember a time in recent history where I've loved a commercial so much and so shout out to fanatics for like bringing joy back yeah I feel like the last two three years we've come on and we just like roast everyone because it's like no and it's like just how many celebrities can we get like and unless it's like the perfect synergetic partnership between celebrity you know like this could only be done by this celebrity otherwise it's like why'd you pay all this money throw a celebrity at the thing like people don't even like some of these people like yeah it's so unmemorable yeah they're not like actually influential in terms of like buying power no but it is really interesting to see like who from the internet, who from reality TV gets plucked for a Super Bowl.

23:12Because it's sort of like a, what's the word I'm looking for? Help me. Not like a rite of passage. No, that's what I was going to say, but it's not a rite of passage. It's like a marker to take you from the next level. If you get picked from the slums of the internet and reality TV into this prestigious, and it happens every now and then. And I am really curious to see who from TikTok is going to make it this year. Well, Alex Earle. Well, she was in Poppy. Poppy, yeah. And she was in Carl's Jr. Was that a Super Bowl commercial? I don't know. I don't think so. we might be in a super bowl commercial spoiler alert but i just feel like drumming up like oh if we're about ourselves yeah yeah people are like there do you hear they're in the super i mean i wasn't gonna watch the super bowl but i hear two fabulous podcasters might be starring in a commercial yeah that way people like just why don't we just put it out there no one's watching so true do you see our super bowl commercial we are gonna be in a super bowl commercial it's not really a big deal um we got asked to be in a lot but we chose one because it was really near and dear to us And like a longtime partner of ours.

24:10And we wanted to support them. Being on TV is like not a big deal for us, you know? It's like an everyday occurrence. Quite literally. So, yeah, stay tuned. This is making me excited. And like Kim went, I think, with Fanatics to the Super Bowl in Vegas. So, like, I think just the girls are going to be girl-in. And especially because, like, Taylor's not there. I feel like they can really, like, let their. By the way, that is so true. It's going to be a Kardashian Super Bowl. Yeah. Because, you know. They've had the last two years off. Yeah. They went but, like, hung their heads in shame. Yeah. Yeah.

24:38Because it was Taylor's event. Yeah. Oh, I didn't even think about that. That's huge. And who are the teams again? The Seahawks and the Patriots. And like any celebrity ties? Like, no, there's no celebrity spouses. Patriots, Stefan Diggs is expecting a baby with Cardi B. Yes. Okay. So I don't know how late in her pregnancy she is. Maybe she won't be there. Yeah. That's the only one. And aside from, you know, like the homegrown, like Ann Michael May. Ann Michael May. And I'm sure there's an Ann Michael May of the Seahawks. Yeah. But that's kind of it. It's not celebrity heavy, which actually is okay.

25:14We can focus on the game. Let the footballers, you know, football. Yeah. And the celebs will be there. This is kind of giving like kind of vintage Super Bowl, just like boys playing football. Not like Taylor, Travis, like Haley Steinfeld. Not like celebrity. Not Hollywood. It's just like it's very it's giving like rugged, you know, like they're just raw dog in it. Like we're coming to San Francisco to play football. Yeah. I'm sure there'll be like a lot of parties and stuff. Maybe that's why the NFL scripted it that way. Back to basics. Ina Garten, back to basics. And also, I feel like when we were growing up like 10 years ago, it was Patriots, Seahawks, like every Super Bowl.