Toast Herstory: The Royal Toast (Original Airdate Friday, October 30th, 2020)

0:00Good morning, Millennials! Good morning, brother. Good morning, brother. Good morning, grandmother. Good morning, my grandsons. You are looking ravishing this morning, grandmother. Thank you, you as well. You look so beautiful, grandmother. We are so happy to see you. Thank you for having me. The most beautiful... No, I can't. I can't keep the accent. It's so loud. You are the most radiant woman in all of Great Britain. Thank you. So radiant, grandmother. That's what they tell me. Yes. We love you so much, grandmother. You, brother, are another story. Oh, I'm another story. Broke the family apart.

0:41Disrespected the crown. And I'm the problem. Grandmother, can you believe this? What bollocks. Bloody hell, grandmother. Absolute bollocks. Bloody hell, you know that's not what happened. That's exactly what happened, my Harry. Grandmother, whose side are you on? Harry. William, but I still love you. Harry, why don't you go back to Canada? Or whatever it is you're... Los Angeles. Yeah, gallivanting around the country while your duties wait for you at home. Don't you miss your duties? No, I have enough duties on my own. Well, just know all of us back home are picking up the slack where you and your wife left us.

1:18I'm sorry, brother. I'm sorry, but I couldn't do it anymore. Yeah. I couldn't do it anymore. Do you know how much I would give to be you? no responsibility no care in the world you know how much I would give to be you to be the heir not the spare oh what I would give to be the spare let's switch the prince switch good morning everyone in case you haven't noticed the Windsor family is coming to you live and in living color from the Toast Studios happy Halloween everyone woohoo happy Halloween happy Toastoween grandmother we love you we got the smidgen studio give it up for grandmother woohoo woohoo grandmother snitch how do you do you are being fucking crazy like you know when you put on a costume and like it kind of gets to you like harry's getting to you and like i didn't know what kind of harry i was gonna be but i just feel like this like party boy early 2000s where i'm just like from mother let's fuck this shit oh my god you're definitely channeling like early 2000s Harry.

2:25No, this is not Meghan Markle Harry. This is not like new fatherhood Harry. No, no, no, no, no. It's really like... We have Archie right there. You're really like the rebel Harry face. Rebel without a cause. Well, we hope you guys enjoy our costumes. This is now year four? Year four. Wow, that's crazy. Yep, and honestly this is my favorite one yet. I'm just like really feeling my look, like my linen suit. Honestly, the linen suit is like a vibe on you. No, I know. I was like I'm gonna save this suit for Zach to try on. Yeah, to a wedding on the beach or something. No, it's really a vibe. I see why he enjoys it so much.

2:57Yeah, no, fabulous. Fabulous, bloody fabulous. Brother, you look fabulous in your royal garb. Well, as you know, part of being the next heir to the throne is my royal duties in the Air Force. I know you know nothing about that, brother, seeing as how you spent your formative years in Las Vegas, but I have actually spent lots of time in the Air Force, and it has been one of the most, if not the, gratifying experience of my life. Kate and I are, Catherine and I are honored to have been a part of the Air Force. It's quite a wonderful organization. I'm happy for you, brother. Know that I am. Okay.

3:33Grandmother in studio. Grandmother, is this your first podcast? Good question. It is. Yeah, so we've got Queen Elizabeth on the podcast, just like a little spectacular. Grand, what are your thoughts on the podcasting medium? I think it's great. I think it's a little saturated. However, I think that it's great. I think this is a great one. Gran just shading us. Gran just shook up the industry. Gran! Gran!

4:02Well, we of course are delivering the Fast Five. We're giving you a regular show today. Just in our royal garb. And you know, royal... This is the thing about royalty. And as William would say, like, it's just something you're born into. Like, it's not a choice. It's a lifestyle. Yeah. And I definitely feel that way. Like, I was meant to be royal. The royal life chooses you. You don't choose it. and it chose me and I said, no thank you, brother. Peace out, brother. That's exactly what you said. You said, not today, brother. Not today. Well, we, you know, I actually think it might be beneficial for Harry to hear what's been going on at Buckingham Palace since he's been departed for Canada.

4:39Yes, grandmother, how has your quarantine been? It's been lovely. I've had a lot of kettle. I mean, a lot of tea. And, you know, I just chilled with the staff. And to be quite honest, The palace has, how do you Americans say, a better vibe? Je ne sais quoi. Je ne sais quoi. Without you and Megan, you know, stinking up the place. Wow, brother. Well, the drama. Well, Los Angeles has a great vibe for me, brother. I'm in Hollywood, bitch. Well, brother, all I can say is that your presence is not missed. And the palace is doing better, great, without you. and that's all we invited you here to say, brother.

5:21Good. Well, when I left the palace, that's all that I wanted. I wanted the best for everyone, including me and my family. How was the little champ, by the way? Oh, he's such a cute, sweet, crunchy angel boy. The man. The man Archie. So crunchy. He actually is really cute. He's really cute. Yeah, he's really cute. That's your great, great grandson. And brother? And brother. Would you like to ask how my children are? How is the family? Future heir to the thrones. How is the family, brother? The family's just delightful. You know, Kate is just popping them out left and right, even though I didn't even know we had sex still, but she's just popping them out left, right, left, right.

5:59It's fucking wild. And the kids, they're just getting so big and so annoying, and I just don't know what to do because I'm from Africa now. The accent's very hard. The accent, it's hard to stay in it when you're so... No, I literally go from, like, British to French to Australian. Australian too. I feel like the Brits are very state, like not very emotional. So when I'm just like popping up, I just become like a cowboy. No Irish. Yeah. Like it's really hard not to just automatically become Southern. Like, yeah, even though the regions are just not that close. No, they're not. But you are the Prince of Wales.

6:33Well, the people of Welsh, no, the Welsh people are some of my favorite. What a wonderful providence. I actually, province, province. and I don't know if father ever told you this story because he hates you and he probably didn't but he actually gave a speech in Wales in Welsh and it was one of the most defining moments of his career. The Welsh are very proud people, brother. I would expect nothing less. You sound like Drake and Josh. Brother! Hug me, brother! Hug me, grandmother! Grandma, can I have a hug? Sure. You come here. We actually have a great show because we have Fast Five Stories And Southern Charm started last night, as did Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

7:17So we've been keeping up with them Kardashian girls. Very interesting. Yes, I've heard you and Meghan are really trying to cozy up to that Hollywood scene. Yes, yes. We've met Kim before. Very beautiful woman. Yes, very beautiful. Very, how do you Americans say?

7:35How do we say? What do we say? How do you Americans say she's very hot? I quite enjoy the Kardashian girls Brubba if you actually do end up becoming Acquaintances with her do let me know I'll have to make a visit to the states Okay brubba Okay so I think maybe like without further ado we should dive in Yeah let's dive in it's the toaster ween We got some great stories for you today So without further ado It is time for the fast five stories that you need to know What have I seen Before you wake up and take a bite of your morning toast Brubba I can't Today's episode of Toast Herstory is brought to you by Lissy Skincare, created by an esthetician and toaster who struggled with acne for over 10 years.

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9:15That's L-I-S-S-Y, Skincare.com. Our code is TOAST, T-O-A-S-T, for 15 % off your order. Check it out. Support a Pargy brand, but also a toaster-founded brand who's sponsoring today's amazing episode of Toast History. I hope you're enjoying it. I know I am. Love ya. Bye. Because I'm very stressed, brother. Me too, brother. What do you have to be stressed about? Would you look at me? I don't have any bloody hair. I'm not talking to you. I don't have any bloody hair, grandmother, and you won't pay for the hair plugs. So what the fuck am I supposed to do, grandmother? Have the taxpayers pay for them.

9:47Oh, my God, bloody hell, I've been balding since the time I was 12. Nobody in this fucking palace seems to give a shit. You don't have any money? No, grandmother, you hold the keys to my fortune, and I can't go. I've been trying to fly to Turkey. Ask your father. I've been trying. Ask your father. I've been trying to fly to Turkey for the last three years to get a special hair plug procedure, but nobody in this fucking camp family cares about anything other than bloody Harry and his bloody fucking drama. Ask your father. Jesus. Sorry to take the Lord's name in vain, grandmother, but I'm upset.

10:22Brother, get a job. Oh. Do some Instagram sponsorships like the rest of us. Oh, not all of us can just rub elbows with Bob Iger and make a$50 million deal for our wives. Some of us obey the rules. Well, brother, look where it got you bald. that's so mean no I just feel like William's like definitely deeply insecure about his hair like nobody takes him seriously he could get it fucking fixed okay no but he can't at this point because then everyone it's too late no but then he'd be like he'd be a speaker for people I think he looks great he'd be a speaker for hair plugs I'm not really hating like the bald look on me no I think you look great I think he looks great I think I look fabulous sorry brother I didn't mean to it's not very royal of me I apologize I know you don't care about being royal, but some of us still do.

11:09Excuse me. I'm the Duke of Sussex, bitch. Not anymore. Not anymore. Still, I got that trademark. No, you don't. No, you can't use it. Stay tuned for merch drop. Ah! Oh! Okay, first story is about us, brother. What is the British tabloid saying about us again? The press is saying our royal rift was sealed by fate. And Diana. And you know, brother, that makes me feel better because this was destiny. What are you saying? What's the story? Brother, Prince Harry and Prince William were once the closest of friends. They're for each other through thick and thin. Those were the days, brother. Those were the days.

11:50Charmingly choosing to rent a cottage together while training to become helicopter pilots in 2009. That's so cute and steamy. Quote, I do a fair bit of tidying up after him. He snores a lot too. He keeps me up all night long, William had said at the time. Just over a decade later, jokes are on thin ground. with William in London and Harry in Montecito, there are 5 ,500 miles between them. They're also in incredibly different headspaces. Quote, the rift gets more serious with every passing day. British historian Robert Lacey told the post of the feud that caught fire after Harry and wife Meghan quit the house of Windsor in March.

12:22So the rift is just, it's astronomical. How do we come back from this brother? How do we come back to each other, brother? If I'm going to be quite honest, I'm happy, brother, on a very serious note I'm very happy for you but I just feel as though you owe the crown an apology. Well brother I've been watching the crown and I agree. Those bloody Americans. I agree. The crown is a wonderful institution grandmother you are an icon everything of the sort and I'm sorry if I let you down but I had to do what was best for my family and I'm sorry that that was not what was best for this family. But the monarchy is most important.

12:59I know. You have to protect the monarchy. I will, Gran I'll do better I'll protect the monarchy from Montecito I swear

13:13I'm sorry, brother I hope we can be close again even though you just touched your nose

13:21Brother I do I appreciate the sentiment but I'm afraid it's too late So the rift runs deeper The rift runs deeper The historian was right. I just, I hope that, you know, 100 years from now, the monarchy is not permanently changed because of your actions. And I just, I don't know how you sleep at night. I sleep quite well. Thank you with Palmer's house boil. But I understand. I understand your concern, but I had to do what was best for my family, and I'll leave it at that, brother. Okay. Also, little royal news about mom and dad. Prince Charles felt dad, Prince Philip, pushed him into marrying Princess Diana, the royal biographer says.

14:01This came out today and honestly this doesn't sound like news. I think we all knew that especially if you watch The Crown but also if you just like if you just like are have a brain. He wanted to marry Camilla Parker. Right. He couldn't. He married Diana. Things didn't go well. He eventually married Camilla but I guess that's news because this royal biography is saying that he told some of his friends that he felt pressurized into marrying Diana because Philip said you've either got to marry her or let her go. You can't string a young girl along. She's only 19. You can't string her along. That's actually good advice though.

14:29That is good advice and I think that's literally exactly what we'll see in this season of The Crown, premiering November 15th. Oh, I gotta catch up. Speaking of royal... You are the Crown grandmother, it's in your head. Yeah. Speaking of royal autobiographies, uh, brother, I meant to tell you I had a chance to read your non-affiliated autobiography, Founding Freedom, and I just have to say what a... Crook of shit. Crook of... of poo. Of... Yeah. Of poo. real, how do you Americans say, propaganda. I don't know why my accent keeps going in and out. Yes, brother, I know. But I had to get my story out there.

15:10Yes, I understand. Feels like a gang up on Harry. Well, welcome to the Royal Family, bitch. Well, you've been gone for so long, brother, we haven't had an opportunity to talk to you about all the drummings in the Cirque du Soleil around your family and your name. Gran, you said a swear word. Gran said a swear word. Gran said a swear word. Gran, that's a nickel in the swear jar. Yeah, Gran. Is that Gran? A nickel towards your hair plugs. A nickel? Okay, next story. Some big news in my country of America. Jost married Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost tie the knot in an intimate ceremony. Scarlett and Colin Jost have officially said I do.

16:03The couple tied the knot in an intimate ceremony over the weekend. The Instagram account for Meals on Wheels America announced on Thursday. Right. That's what I'm confused about. So Meals on Wheels broke the story saying we're thrilled to break the news that Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost were married over the weekend in an intimate ceremony with their immediate family and loved ones following COVID-19 safety precautions. as directed by the CDC. Their wedding wish is to help make a difference for vulnerable older adults during this difficult time by supporting Meals on Wheels America. Please consider donating to celebrate the happy couple by clicking the link in our bio.

16:34So they let Meals on Wheels make the announcement so that Meals on Wheels would get press and more donations. Okay, it seems bizarre because, like, literally, two of the richest people in the world, like, why don't you just give the money to Meals on Wheels? Well, I'm going to assume that they donated, but then they're also just using this opportunity for philanthropic cause. And as someone who's very steeped in philanthropy. Yes, your book made sure to mention that 25 times. I think this is a wonderful idea. Congratulations to the Joests. Yeah, brothers trying to get them invited to the next party.

17:08I want to host SNL, Colin. Let me on. I'll show you a real party, Colin. Honestly, I feel like that could happen. That could happen. 100%. I think I would be fabulous. Let me on, Colin. I'll show you a real party. A real party like the crown. By the way, that's definitely like a remote possibility in the next five years. At least Meghan Markle. Either or, we could do it together. Honestly, I feel like we're more likely to see Harry than we are to see Meghan. She could perform. I could sing my favorite song. What's your favorite song, brother?

17:45What's your favorite song, brother? Five, six, seven, eight. Hey, brother. There's an endless world to rediscover. Oh, that's Avicii. What's a talent? Hey, sister. Hey, granny. Your face looks fucking crazy. Hey, brother. Make a fucking bop grab. Oh, my God. Your face looks fucking nuts. It's like, oh my God. Oh man. My stomach hurts, Gran. Oh my God. Gran, I have to go party. Gran, do you have some Pepto-Bismol, Gran? No, ask the butt slide. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is too funny. Okay. Well, congratulations to the Joes. Can't wait to see you in New York when I'm traveling there. Dude, you're like the thirsty prince.

18:43Like, literally like, you're using every story as like, come to my house in Montecito, Colin. Like, you're being fucking crazy. We'll crack some jokes, man. Yes, Colin, I've got lots of jokes for Saturday Night Live. Oh, my God. The thirsty prince. The thirsty prince. Well, not prince no more. The thirsty duke of Sussex. Not even. Not even. The thirsty American citizen.

19:11The thirsty commoner. That's literally what you are. Commoner. Can't relate. Can't relate. Commoner, I live in a palace. Okay, next story about some other brothers. We love brothers. We love the Jonas Brothers. Oh, you know, the Jonas Brothers played at a state dinner. Oh, you must have missed it because you were out dressing up as a Nazi. Yes, that's what you were doing. Yes, yes, yes. How could we forget? But that weekend, the Jonas Brothers, they were big in America. big big quite large large thank you it's hard to say big in a British accent large in America at the time they were these very talented young brothers and yes you were busy like I said dressing up as a Nazi in a hotel room in Las Vegas but you missed this state dinner where dinner where the Jonas Brothers performed Gran quite enjoyed them right Gran quite enjoyed them it was a lovely evening lovely What's your favorite song, Gran?

20:15I like Burning Up. Gran, and you also like that new one. This one I love you. Oh, Rollercoaster? Rollercoaster. That was Sucker. Yeah, Sucker, that's the one you like, Gran. No, I like Rollercoaster. You play it at night. I know what I like. I know what I like. Gran, I'm telling you, we've got it on vinyl for you. Oh, Gran, for your gramophone. But yes, like I said. Gramophone? That's like where you play a record. Gramophone, right? Yes, but Harry, he wasn't there. Where was he? Oh, right, yes. He was dressing up as a Nazi in Las Vegas. Must you continue to bring that up, brother? I just couldn't remember why you weren't at the state dinner.

20:54And then I remembered, oh, right, it's because you were dressing up as a Nazi. I'm sorry. You must have been hanging out with Granddaddy Philip too much. Shade. Well, our favorite other brothers, the Jonas Brothers, are ready for the holidays with a new song, I Need You Christmas. It's so good. It's so good. Christmas came early for the Jonas Brothers fans, including Queen Eliza Snitch. The band of brothers released a nostalgic-dripped Christmas ballad Thursday called I Need You Christmas, the lyrics of which celebrate the kind of joy 2020 could really use right now. It's really good. It's hard to make original Christmas music.

21:33Pretty much everyone just puts out an album of covers. They did one last year, too. It's really good, this one. I really enjoyed it. Was it for that last year? You know, their faces were all in the ornaments for the promo. Oh yeah. Oh my god, I can't remember. Yeah, but this one's good. I think this one might make the Jackie Ho Ho Ho playlist. Oh, what a prestigious honor. Yes. I like the song a lot. Nick actually sounds very good on it. You know, I take any opportunity to jab at Nick, but he sounds really good. Yeah, I'm just harking back to Toaster Wiens of years past, where the Jonas Brothers were on this show.

22:04We're on the same show that the Jonas Brothers were once on, brother. Gran, who's your favorite brother? Jo. Jo. Because I love Sophie Turner. Oh, were you a fan of the Game of Thrones, mother? She is the crown jewel of this country, Gran. Truly making Great Britain proud all across the U.S. We love Sophie. We love Sophie. We do love. And we love that show, don't we, Gran? We used to watch together. No, we didn't. Before you left the family for good. Well, that was after the finale I said, why would I stay here? There's nothing to watch on TV. There's nothing left for me here. No more Sundays with Gran.

22:39I'm gone. Gran, what do you say we get a spot of tea after this? Harry, sorry, I know you can't come, but Gran, a spot of tea? I would love one. Maybe some... Crumpets? Yes. Yes, I'll have the butler. I'll let them now. I'm hungry too, Gran. Could I have a... You don't get to eat. Don't they have McDonald's where you're from? Yes, and it's very good. Thank you for reminding me I'm going to go for a McFlurry. Okay, next story. Next story. this is actually really beautiful Kanye West gave Kim Kardashian a hologram of her dad for her birthday holograms are the new candy gram Kim Kardashian revealed that husband Kanye surprised her with an unusual present for her 40th birthday this week a hologram message from her deceased father Robert Kardashian Kim announced the gift on Twitter calling it the most thoughtful gift of a lifetime and a special surprise from heaven it is so lifelike she added we watched it over and over filled with emotion.

23:32Robert, who died in 2003, says you're 40 and all grown up. You look beautiful just like when you were a little girl. I watch you and your sisters and brothers and the kids every day. Well, you know, I saw a lot of people being like, this is so weird. Like, please don't ever do this for my birthday. And even Meghan McCain was like this. And you know, Meghan McCain is very vocal about like grieving her dad. She was like, honestly, like nobody, please don't ever do this for me. Like, it's so weird. I think it's so nice. But see, the thing is, is that the Kardashians lost their dad at like a similar age that we did and it's like honestly when you lose your dad at a young age and it's literally been so long like you literally forget like what they look like and like their mannerisms so I could see how people would think that this is weird but I actually like think we relate to the Kardashians and I think that this is actually very cool because so much time has passed and you were so young and like you didn't get that much time with them like Megan McCain lost her dad now like she's I don't know how old she is but she's in her 30s like that's a lot of time where it's like Kim and everyone they lost their dad when they were like 15 16 so that's like when we did and you like literally don't remember them so like a hologram is like crazy crazy when I when I first read the headline I was like oh this is gonna be weird and then I watched the video and I was just like thinking of what that would be like for us if it were for us and like that would be the most amazing thing especially because like people who have lost their parents as adults like your parent has like met your partner met your hopefully met your kids like you have pictures of them on your phone like sees where your life is now and has told you that they're proud of you but if you've lost a parent like 10 15 20 years ago and then they literally are being brought to life and like writing the sweetest things I think that this is like the most amazing gift ever like literally a gift from heaven and it did seem extremely lifelike yeah no I thought it was so sweet and like people were like making fun of it I just feel like Kim's having a bad week but I loved it I thought it was so sweet and like I understood exactly why she thought it was so special yeah like honestly it's the most creative gift I've ever 100 % heard of and people aren't some people they're not here for it and I actually can understand that because when I saw the headline I was like nah but in practice I think it's an amazing gift I agree it's not it's truly not for everyone no but I think there are people who would absolutely appreciate it so if anyone wants to make me a hologram let me know how much do you think that is I don't know I feel like he just has hologram technology in his studio right like put it towards this and like Elon Musk just like came over and programmed it yeah look I think it was free yeah like you make holograms of like artists on tour you can you know he probably just went into that studio like book some time and made a hologram but I guess like that I don't know I don't understand how they can like get his like mannerisms and his voice and yeah and he's like language right saying like things poofy yeah I'm sure they use old videos and stuff it really is interesting you know I thought it was really sweet and very cool and I liked it I liked you too I understand not for everyone but I'm here for it me too are you ready for a fifth and final story a few final yeah and fine yeah bro let's do it bro because someone you mentioned elon musk grimes reveals her five month old son with elon musk is into radical art he just actually is no i mean i too what's radical art as grandmother at five months i was into literature that's why i'm going to be the next king and not you but literature radical art like lots of well elon i think this is fabulous if you want to give me a call talk about it the thirsty prince strikes again grimes has a mini art critic on her hands the singer revealed that her son at nearly six months old is already forming his own opinions in an interview with the new york times arguing that babies do have taste she said that they definitely like some things they don't like other things they fully have opinions i do agree with that but i wouldn't necessarily like call actually i think i would call kayla an art critic so that's what i was gonna say so our niece mikaela is similar age as A-E-X-12-Angel-52-97-81.

27:14And... She calls him X for short, by the way. Got it. I think that Michaela is definitely showing signs of, like, extreme interest in radical art and literature and poetry and cinema. And I believe that five-month-olds are definitely... While they may not articulate their interests, they definitely have very strong views on radical art. I agree. Like my son Archie, he's a radical art critic as well. If you want to get the kids together, Elon, maybe we could talk shop. Shop. Shop. Brother, I can tell you're losing your British accent quite a bit ever since journeying over to the States. Yes, the States have been very influential on me.