Trump Awards Cabinet with Secret Points System | with Helen Mirren, Alan Cumming, Jake Shane, Jay Jurden | Tuesday, September 15

0:05From Studio 16, Ron the number center in the heart of New York City, it's the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon. Tonight, join Jimmy and his guests, Helen Mirren, Alan Cumming, Jake James, comedian Jay Jurden, and featuring the legendary Roots Crump. 23, 24, and now, here he is, Jimmy Fallon.

0:59Oh! Oh, I love you! Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Enjoy yourself. Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to The Tonight Show. This is it! Oh, yeah. Whoo-hoo! Let's get to some news here. Well, guys, ahead of the midterms, President Trump is awarding his Cabinet members points based on how many campaign visits they make, and the winner gets to have dinner with Trump.

1:29I'm not sure watching Trump eat is the reward he thinks it is. I don't know. Dinner with Trump is a very unique experience. The Secret Service gives you a poncho and warns you that you're in the splash zone. It's like... Speaking of midterms, this is big last night. The Supreme Court rejected Trump's plans to limit mail-in voting for the November elections.

1:58Well, this can only mean one thing. Trump will now double his voter bribe to$10 ,000. The Supreme Court said the new voting plan would lead to mistakes, delays, and confusion. Trump was like, besides reflecting pool, the ballroom, and the war, when's that ever happened? Yep, mistakes, delays, and confusion, which is also the slogan for Southwest Airlines. Well, guys, the Kennedy Center is on the verge of bankruptcy, and today the board voted to close the building for two years. Trump tried to spin it. He said, Don't cry because we're losing the Kennedy Center. Smile, because we're gaining a spirit Halloween.

2:38Spirit Halloween. Well, guys, everyone's talking about A.I., and the head of Anthropics says we need to slow down A.I. development until safeguards are put in place. And I got to say, it sounds like a pretty smart move from Anthropik. Yeah. I read about that, too. It's that store where emo kids buy merch, right?

3:01Tariq, that's Hot Topic. This is Anthropik. Oh, right. Wait, is it that popular suntan lotion? No, that's Hawaiian Tropic. I'm talking about Anthropik. Oh, right. Wait, is it the microwavable turnover overfilled with various meats? That's a Hot Pocket. This is Anthropic. Is it that toy that you have to pull and flick? No, that's a Bop-It. This is Anthropic. Is it Trump's hands? No, that's microscopic. This is Anthropic.

3:37When you send an inappropriate DM on Tinder? No, that's a man's crotch pick. This is Anthropic. When your outfit just doesn't match? That's a chopped fit. When your date is rude to the waiter, that's damn got ick. When a bunch of grandmas just go crazy at a concert, that's a nan mosh pit. The movie from 2002 starring Rob Schneider, that's the hot chick. When you use a Chinese utensil to eat plain noodles, that's a bland chopstick. What you're not allowed to take at Chipotle, that's a guac lick. Hang on. I think I got it. But is it the pioneering company that's concerned about the future of their own technology?

4:23Yes! You talk about ChatGPT. No, no, no, no, no. Tariq Trott, everybody. That's... That's a lot of time.

4:37Hey, people are talking about this. Donald Trump Jr. and his new wife just confirmed that their recent wedding in the Bahamas was partially paid for by a Russian oligarch with ties to Vladimir Putin. So, his dad? Look, some of us have been there. Your family says that they won't pay for your wedding, so you have to reach out to a Russian oligarch, right? Come on. Who hasn't been there? Well, some TV news following a massive leadership change. The new season of 60 Minutes just premiered to its smallest audience in more than 25 years. Yeah, for some reason, the image of a ticking pocket watch isn't resonating with younger viewers.

5:19What is that? To get more viewers, they're changing the show to 3 ,600 TikToks. Oh. You guys see this? The CDC just announced that this summer's big lettuce parasite outbreak is finally over.

5:37And now restaurants are spreading the good news. Check out this ad I saw from Sweetgreen. Good news. The CDC gave us the green light and lettuce is back on the menu. So say goodbye to Cyclospora and say hello to Give Me Mora. Sweet green, see you soon. Yeah. Nice. Nice, right?

5:59Here's one from Subway. Good news. The CDC gave us the green light and lettuce is back on the menu. So say goodbye to Parasite and say hello to a party sub. Subway. Eat fresh. Feel good. It's great. It's great. It's good. Here's one more from Taco Bell. Good news. The CDC gave us the green light and lettuce is back on the menu. So say goodbye to explosive diarrhea and say hello to just regular diarrhea. Taco Bell. We are so back.

6:38Well, according to a recent study, New York Giants fans ranked number one for foul language and dropping curse words. Oh, that's awful. That's awful, Jimmy. Oh, my God.

6:50Helen Mirren, now, what are you doing out here? I just heard that story about Giants fans, you know, being the most vulgar, and, you know, that got me really upset. Well, of course, because you're a dignified, classy British woman and that language is beneath you. Oh, no, no, no, it's not that, no. It's because I'm a die-hard fan of the Italian football club Lecce. Forse Lecce.

7:16And we are the most vulgar fans in sports. And if you disagree with me, you can pucker up and kiss my ass, go ****** yourself sideways, and when the ****** thumb comes up, you miserable sack of ******.

7:33Well, thank you for weighing in, Helen. Oh, off, Jimmy.

7:45Helen Mirren, everybody. We have a great show. Helen Mirren is here. Alan Cumming is joining us. Jay Shane is here. And we got Santa from Jay Jordan. Stick around. We'll be right back with Helen Mirren. Come on back. I've been keeping effective by medical tests Because some couldn't come to believe I'm the best So they tested me Yeah, we in America The way you're talking, don't scare me Our first guest is an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, and Golden Globe winner starring in the series Mobland. Oh, my gosh. This is fantastic. Season 2 premieres this Friday on Paramount+. Please welcome Helen Mirren!

8:36Oh, I love you so much. Welcome back. Thank you so much for doing the bit with me. Anything I do with you is always super fun. You look what you make me do. I know. I can't believe I made you do that. I know, exactly. Mind you, it was a bit of Mobland in there. It was a bit in there, yeah. I was channeling Maeve Harrigan. Oh, you're so good in that show. That is so good. And it's so unlike you. It's out there, isn't it? It's great. Yes, you're dark in that. It's fantastic. It's scary. Frightening. Well, I wonder if it is a little bit like me. No, it is nothing. The me that would like to be me if I wasn't me, if you know what I mean.

9:11Yeah, maybe if it weren't you, you would be this. You know what I mean. But no, you're so good, though. Thank you for making it to the show. You've been very busy. You just came from the Toronto Film Festival. Yes, yes. I had a film opening in Toronto. Yeah, congratulations. And you also... I want to talk about that. We'll get to that film. I play another biatch. You do. The biatch. The biatch. Yeah, you do. Major biatch. But you also got an award. I did, yes. The Groundbreaker Award. I know, whatever that is. Which I love. Yeah, pretty cool. Your speech got a lot of online. People loved it. Oh, did it?

9:44Oh, okay, yeah. Because you talked in the speech. Well, I was thinking about, you know, groundbreaking women. And we lost two major groundbreaking women just recently, Dolly Parton and Gloria Steinem, almost in the same week. And they were, you know... Amazing. They were the true groundbreakers, so I dedicated my award to them. It was so nice of you to do that. I loved it. And how was the premiere? It was fun. It was fun. Toronto's always fun. It's always a big, you know, it's a big red carpet, and it was in the middle of the day. It wasn't like at night, and there were like hundreds of fans. It was fun.

10:18I went years ago. I was barely in a movie called... Were you? Yes. Yes. It was called Almost Famous. This is sort of rather accurate. It's the truth. Yes, it is. So I was barely in this movie. Cameron Crowe directed it. I know the film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm in this. Are you playing yourself or a character? No, I was a character. I had a beard. I grew out a beard. We've all got to look for that scene. Can we see a little bit? No, no, no, I don't have it here. But they had the premiere at the Toronto Film Festival and my role was so small they didn't invite me. Oh. You know, because I was barely...

10:53Did you pay your own way there? I did. Oh, you did? Yeah, I showed up and everyone's like, what are you doing here? Hi, guys. Can't stop me, man. My premiere, let's do it. I loved it, man. I had the best time. But the film, this is called The Talent for Murder. Yes. And you play Patricia Highsmith. I do, yes. The novelist. She wrote a talented Mr. Ripley. Great, great American novelist. Strangers on a Train. Absolutely, yes. I mean, a really great writer, but a terrible person. Really? She became an awful person at the end of her life and I'm playing her at the end of her life. And, yes, I just go from playing one horrible person to another these days.

11:34I don't know how you do that, because you're in real life, you're one of the nicest, most fun humans I think I've ever met. I appear to be, but I'm not really. Yes, you really are, no. No, you are. I want to talk about this thing you're doing. You're involved with this great campaign that has to do with saving ancient olive trees. Yes, and I heard that you had saved a tree and thank you, Jimmy, so much. That's a brilliant thing to do. I went to your website. Yes, it's... Save the Olives. Save the Olives. Save our Olives. Dot com. Save the Olives, yes. But what is going on over there? Well, there's been a terrible virus.

12:07In the part of Italy that I have a house in, I've spent a lot of time in southern Italy, they have ancient, ancient trees. They're 1 ,000 to 2 ,000 years old, these trees. When you think of the history of that, it's incredible. Look at these trees. And there they are, a living thing in the earth that's been there for a thousand years. And this terrible virus is decimating them. It's moving up the southern peninsula of Italy and killing... forever killing these ancient trees. The only way to save one is by grafting. But a graft is expensive. And so, thanks to people like Jimmy, which is fantastic, I just heard...

12:47I did. ..that you have saved one of our trees. I donated absolutely everything. I did it. Absolutely, it's my receipt. And then they said that I can write whatever I want on a plaque and they will put it on the tree that grows in the spring. And what are you going to put on it? I think I'm going to do this, I thought. Yeah.

13:12Olive, can I say? Mm-hm.

13:18I love Helen. Oh, really? Is that good? No. That would be good, right? Yeah, that would be good. So when you see that, say hi and give it a hug. Give it a hug. That would be fantastic. I love that. Do you have an olive tree in your house? We have 700 olive trees, but not ancient ones like that. New ones. And do you make olive oil? We do make olive oil, yes, absolutely. And I'm giving you a bottle of our olive oil. It's fantastic. Come on. I would love it. All right, next time. Well, any minute now, we've got the new harvest coming in. And I don't know if you... Do you make olive oil or anything like that?

13:53No. I know you're a great tomato grower. Yes, I do. And I was introduced to one of your tomatoes. That's right. The last time I came on. You were on the show and we ate one of my tomatoes. I was very honoured. DemiTomato, we called it. Yes. Yes, I was so honoured. And we had a salsa together with Pierce, yes. Yes, that's right. And we had a nice... We made it fresh on the show. Yes, yes. Oh, yes. with Pearson, who stars with you in Mobland. Yes, he does. And you have great chemistry. We do. We love each other, yeah. All three of you are just fantastic together. All three of us are great, great.

14:23Season two premieres this Friday. It's already been renewed for season three, by the way. Congratulations. Thank you. You are so fun. You are so fun in this. If you haven't seen Mobland, I urge everyone to watch it. I think everyone has seen it, but I think it's the biggest show on Paramount+. People are freaking out about it. It's scary, it's frightening, it's fun. Funny and funny. It's hilariously funny. You've got some great lines, quotable lines, yeah. I mean, how do we describe your character? Maeve Hadigan. Maeve Hadigan. She's a piece of f***ing work. It certainly is. She's a terrible person.

15:00She's a terrible person. You wouldn't want to meet her on a dark night. Ice cold. Oh, my God, no. Ice cold heart. Ice cold heart. Oh, my goodness. And I love it. It's good and it's just, yeah. That's all I can really... That's all we need to say. It's just good, scary, and very smart, well-written, and it's fun. That is how you do it! That is how you do it! Go on! Helen Mirren, everybody! Mobland, Season 2, Premieres This Friday on Carmel Plus. Alan Cumming joins us after the break. Stick around, everybody. I got it.

15:40Our next guest is an Emmy - and Tony-winning performer who is hosting the new season of The Traitors' New Blood, which premieres Thursday at 8 p.m. on NBC and the next day on Peacock. Please welcome Alan Cummings!

16:01Oh, that's right. Come on. You are a legend. Thank you so much for being on here. Man, you've been busy, busy, busy. Yes, yes. Explain to me the last couple of days. So I'm in a show in Scotland right now in the theatre. I run this theatre called Pitloughry Festival Theatre. I'm in a two-hander musical with Shirley Henderson. And I did a matinee of that on Saturday. I flew to London. Sunday, I flew to L.A., did press. Monday, I did press, went to the Emmys, flew overnight last night here. I'm doing press all day. You're my last stop, and I go straight to the airport now, and I fly over to Scotland, and I do a show tomorrow night.

16:42Respect! Respect! Put it out! Respect! I was looking at your IMDb page and all this. That's how I do my research for the show. But I've seen you've been in over 150 films and TV shows. Have I really? Yes. Oh, my God. Over 150. I am 250 years old. You are reprising... No, no, no, not at all. You're reprising two roles. You're going to be in Avengers Doomsday, by the way. Yes.

17:15You played Nightcrawler. That's me in the old one. I'm different now. I have gray hair now. You do? That's the concession to me being older. They gave me gray hairs. Oh, fun. I cannot wait to see that. Oh, yes, he's a gray-haired superhero. Are you excited to join the MCU? Yes. I mean, it's been... It feels such a long time ago since I shot it, actually. But I liked it. And I liked... I liked doing stunts and things. I hadn't done stunts for a while, like proper stunts. Yeah, you're in good shape. Thank you. But you know what's so crazy? Like, because I'm older and when you meet, you know, stunt people...

17:49And the stunt boys on this Avengers were all these French people, these lovely French boys. And obviously they're like, could be my children easily. and I'd just done a film in French and I'd just finished shooting a film in which I spoke French and so they were so excited and impressed by that and then they were really, because I'm quite bendy, you know and they were like, they were like Alan, you are so flexible, how is it? Do you speak for us? Let me do it later on, like this You know boxing? You do boxing? I was like, yeah, I do boxing, I do boxing sometimes They obviously thought I was an old croak And it was just, you know, it's kind of nice because they're sort of saying, oh, you're fitter than we thought you were going to be.

18:32But it's also for your age. No, no. Oh, no, I don't want you to be. Do you train with boxing? Are you a boxer? I haven't done it for a while, but I used to. That's why I was able to do the boxing quite well. I love boxing. I used to have a teacher called Mo. And he, and I went to, I would go for lessons. It's such a good workout because you've got, like, obviously the boxing bit, but you do the, all the core stuff. Cardio and the core, oh, my God, medicine ball stuff. Medicine balls up the wazoo. And one day I went to the gym and Mo, he's this little boy, and he was like, oh, like this. I said, what's wrong, Mo?

19:09And he said, oh, I'm just pissed off because there's this new video, music video for some song. It's got all these rappers in it and they're all doing boxing. They're all pretending to be boxing. And I said, oh, what's wrong with that? And he said, they're terrible at it. They're terrible. They're just terrible. They've got terrible technique. And I said, who's the worst? And he went, Drake. And I went... And I went, oh, is he really? And he went, yeah, you could take Drake. That's what he said to me. Wow. Every time I see Drake, I think, I could take you. Of course. Of course, in a music video.

19:47I want to talk about another film of yours. For years, fans have been hoping for a sequel to Romy and Michelle's high school reunion, and it's happening. It's officially happening. Yes, it happened. We shot it. I saw Lisa Kudrow last night. I love Lisa Kudrow. Yeah, darling. So, yeah, we shot it just a couple of last month or two months ago. And it's... Was that your first American film? It was the... Yes, it was the first film I'd made in America. And it was the first, you know, the first one, 30 years ago. And it was the first time I'd played an American person in a film. Wow. And I'd never...

20:20Like, when I grew up, there was no... You didn't have high school reunions. You didn't have, what's the other thing? Proms. That didn't exist. I didn't know what that was. You didn't know what those were? I had no clue. I couldn't understand why they'd cast me. And then they... And then, like, at the... So the film is set, Romy and Michelle go to school, high school, in Tucson, Arizona. Yeah. And on the first... This is where green I was. On the first day of the... When we did the read-through, all these people are, you know, around the big table, and I'm going, oh, you know, Hollywood. And then this lady went, blah, blah, blah, something in Tucson.

20:50And I went, ha-ha! And nobody else laughed. And I thought, oh, it's not pronounced Tuxon. Oh, gosh, I'm embarrassing. And then I just, I thought it was Tuxon. Nobody told me. And so just things like that, I was so dreadful. I had no idea. I saw my first, well, no, I can't say that. I can't. You can't? Well, someone told me, someone told me that the first time I was near a pair of boobs that were not real boobs. Do you know what I mean? Wow. I didn't, or I knew they weren't. Wow. On that, was on that film. Was on that film? Yeah, and they were like, Alan, duh. You had to grow up sometime, that's amazing.

21:31Yeah, it was my, all my illusions were shattered. But no, yes, I was in Hollywood after all, so, you know. But you told me that you went to your first IHOP. Oh my God, that was, yeah, so we did this, they did this night shoots and, and the bit, And then, you know, we're in some sort of beach somewhere in California, and so we stayed over, and the next day, people said, oh, we're going to go out for breakfast salad. And I said, oh, where are you going? And they said, they're going to go to IHOP. And I was like, what's that? And they went, oh, it's IHOP, you know. And I went, well, what does it stand for?

22:05And they said, International House of Pancakes. And I was like, oh, that sounds fascinating. I'd love to go. So we go to this place, and we go in. And I'm like, surely this isn't it. Where's the international? You're the international. I was international. I actually was thinking, I said, why is it called International House of Pancakes if it's all just American pancakes? And somebody said something like, oh, well, you know, there's some Italian cheese on that or something. I was like, that doesn't count. But I didn't, and then people say, I never sort of knew what the acronym meant. You know what I mean?

22:39Yeah, IHOP. IHOP. But it stands for International House of Pancakes. I think back in the day, they used to have like flags from different countries. Oh, did they? I think... When I was a kid, it was a very... I mean, we didn't have any money, so that was a big deal to go there. Yes. And you saw flags... I mean, I don't... I actually... I really enjoyed it. Yeah, I loved it, too. It was a big deal. I was disappointed by the lack of international... It's like, you know, the other thing. Why do you call it the World Series if only North American teams play in it? Yeah, that's true. That is true, yeah.

23:11It's not the world. No, in our country, it's our world. That may explain America's foreign policy failures. Let's talk about the traitors, please. You won an Emmy last night. Come on back. Come on, Elm. Come in. You won. Both of us, your third time winning an Emmy for hosting the traitors. You are fantastic.

23:41The traitors. I practically choked all this green smoke. It practically... I had to get my inhaler out. Yeah, of course. I got my inhaler inside my Sporan there. You're so good in your Sporan. I love it. You are... By the way, your outfits are next level. Well, that's Sam Spector. He's backstage there. He's so great. He's used one in Emmy, too. Oh, congratulations, Sam. But you said that you wanted to tone... You said that you wanted to maybe tone it down a little bit this season. Well, it's hilarious. It's like, so we have this new one that's on Thursday. It's called, it's got real people in it, not celebrities.

24:16And although, as I say in the show, you ordinary Americans. I get to say ordinary, you're ordinary. You ordinary, right. And so we thought it would be a good, because last season on the Celebi one, I wore like an outfit to make me look like a coffin and everything. It was really crazy. No, you had these art pieces. They're amazing. But we sort of thought this would be a good chance to kind of reboot, you know, sort of bring it down a wee bit, sort of calmed down. I was like, yes, very good, very good. So every day when I'd come down the stairs, I was like, this is calming it down. Yeah, this is calming it down.

24:48You look like a superhero. Isn't that nuts? Fantastic. You look great. It's hilarious. We just can't stop ourselves. I mean, like, you know, it's part of why people like the show, I suppose, is the sort of what I'm going to wear. Yeah. Trader's New Blood. I love this. I love the show so much. Ordinary Americans. These are ordinary, yeah. None of these contestants are celebrities. I think that's more interesting. You know, it is, Jimmy, because... Well, that's... I shouldn't say that, but it is as equally interesting. But actually, what's interesting is that, you know, when they're famous people, you know a bit about them, they know each other.

25:18Yes! So everyone brings their shtick, they've got something. Whereas when it's ordinary Americans, we have to get to know them and we find out about them. And also there's more at stake and they're more excited. And actually, it was so cute because there was... Normally, I'm very much... I stay away from them, I don't talk to them between takes, I kind of try to be sort of castle daddy and don't engage. But there was... On this time... Castle daddy. On this time, there was two times I hugged them. Because it was so cute. It was so moving, yeah. And when they get so excited, when they got a traitor off in the round table, I nearly fell off.

25:52I didn't realize there was a little sort of platform. Oh, yeah. Because I'd never really fallen off it before. But I nearly fell off because they were jumping around so much. Were they excited to see, like, the table and see the castle? Yeah, yeah. They get really sort of, ooh! And, like, you know... They know it from the show. I know it from the show, and then they're like, oh, where's Lala, my dog? Oh, Lala! We love Lala. So much. She gets papped and everything now. She gets recognized on the street, and she gets papped by a paparazzi. Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. So ridiculous. But also, do you know when people come to the castle?

26:21I remember when it was the last Famous People one, Lisa Rinna, she came in and she goes, I think they've repainted this lobby. And they had. They had? She's got good eyes, yeah. I think if you haven't seen Traitors, it's a very simple way to set it up. You have a bunch of people sitting around a table. They get blindfolded. You walk around the table, and you choose. If you get tapped on the shoulder, you're a traitor. That means... A traitor. And if you're not, then you're faithful. And in the middle of the night, they have a secret meeting. Only the traitors know about it. And they kill one of you off in the middle of the night.

26:53You don't come back. You're gone. You don't get to come to breakfast. You don't get to come to breakfast. So at breakfast, everyone's waiting to see who comes in. And one person's missing. And then you go, who murdered them? And you don't know. It is fantastic. It's such a good game And a bunch of lying It's a great game But you are a great host Thank you It's what makes You make the whole thing Ally Cummings The Traders New Blood Premieres Thursday At 8pm On NBC The next day On Peacock We'll be right back With Jake Shane Stick around everybody

27:37Our next guest is the creator and host of the video podcast Therapist with Jake Shane. He's also the new chief creative officer of the candy company, Katchus. Please welcome Jake Shane!

27:56Jake, welcome! I'm a fan. Welcome to the show. Thanks so much for being here. I want to get into so many things I want to get into. Alan Cumming was just out here. Yes. And I was going to ask you, do you think that you would make a good traitor? I played traitors with my friends before, and I have been the traitor. And I've lasted a few rounds, but then it gets to a point where there's, like, a few people left, and it's like, are you a traitor? It's like, well, yes. Like, I'm... No, you can't. No, you can't do that. You have to lie. No, I couldn't. Like, I would just be like, there's five people left.

28:33It's like, well, who's the traitor? Me. You're not a good liar? Well, I would feel really guilty, and I'd also just, like, get impatient and be like, it's me, like, we gotta just, let's wrap it up. Like, let's get, yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta wrap it up. Wrap it up here, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a traitor, yeah, let's get over with. Where do you play traitor? Like, at a dinner party. Oh, fun. At a restaurant. Ooh. In my home. And you just hand out pieces of paper? Yeah, and no one ever listens to me. No one ever listens to me. Everyone gets bored. Like, it's very infuriating. Oh, my God. So you could never do it?

29:05No, and I don't understand the part about, like, the sheriff and the nurse, and it's very confusing. Are you sure that's traitors? No. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're playing a different game. Let's talk about your video podcast, Therapist. Which, congrats on this, by the way. It's a big deal. New episodes on Netflix every Wednesday. It's a big deal. It's fun. It's a big deal, and it is very fun. Does it feel different than where you started? I mean, you started on Tumblr doing movie reviews. Yeah, I did start on Tumblr doing movie reviews, and my mom would always scream at me because my hair was always, like, matted and, like, all over the place.

29:43Yeah. But I would review... I reviewed Bridesmaids, Transformers, um... Yeah, but you were telling me back to say that you actually hadn't seen some of these movies that you reviewed. I didn't see Transformers, but it was, like, number one at the box office. I used to read, like, Entertainment Weekly every week, and it was number one, so I was like, I was like, well, I have to keep... I have to keep my fans... ...abreast of what's going on. But you're... But then that's... So you reviewed a movie and didn't see? Yeah, I was... I was a traitor. I lied. You might be good on Traitor! You might be good!

30:16I know. You did see Bridesmaids. I did see Bridesmaids. I saw it with my dad when I was 11. So... That's interesting, for 11 years. I mean, I saw... Yeah, I mean... Yeah. Yeah. For those that have seen Bridesmaids, yes. It's a fantastic film. I actually want to show everyone, here's 11-year-old Jake Shane reviewing Bridesmaids on his Tumblr series, a critic's point of view. Hey, everyone. It's Jake from a critic's point of view.tumblr.com. Today, I'd like to review a movie called Bridesmaids. The most standout character of them all was played by Melissa McCarthy. Although I think it was 15 minutes too long, they could have taken out some of those romantic scenes that were kind of boring and replace them with Melissa McCarthy scenes.

31:02That's exactly right. More Melissa McCarthy, the better. You know, I honestly, I didn't really realize how ahead of my time I was when I was saying that. But I guess I, 11-year-old me, knew what was up. Yeah, your impression, yeah. I do love the artistic lighting there, too. Oh, yeah, in my hotel room.

31:23You found out something which made me laugh that you were excited about, that you're on celebritycutouts.com. You guys, sorry. I Google myself every single day. Congratulations. Thank you. Just to make sure that someone out there is speaking about me. Or else, like, my wife would suck. Yeah, yeah, no, we all care about you. We love you. Please, God. And, um, I saw... Thank you. And I saw celebritycutouts.com, and I'm like, oh, my God, no way. And they chose the fugliest photo of me I have ever seen. That's not true at all. Here you are. Jimmy, I was... Please. Congratulations.

32:04That is fantastic. Celebrity cutouts. You guys. So you can buy a cutout of Jake if you want to grab a photo with Jake. So I posted it, and I want people to buy it so that they post more celebrity cutouts of me. Yeah, you want a different photo and different things. I want a different photo. I want a few different poses. They have torso up, torso down. They have whatever you need. Yeah, because your hands are in your pockets here. There's not much to do with this cutout. You know, this was... Maybe waiting in line or something, though. Yeah, like someone, maybe to scare someone, boo, like, here's...

32:33He looks bad. Yeah, I look terrible. But this is when I realized I can never wear a leather jacket ever again. That's leather? Yeah, see. It's almost like a straight jacket. Yeah. It's gorgeous, though. I don't mind. I've got to talk about this, because this arrived at my desk the other day, and I have to say, and I'm not just saying this, because I'm not getting paid. You are. But these are some of the best gummy candies I've ever had. They're amazing, right? I love them. They're amazing. Cottress. They're amazing. Now, how did you get involved with Cottress? And who is Cottress and what is this company?

33:10Okay, so my team was, like, trying to get me to start a brand as, like, as people and teams do. And I know, it sounds ridiculous. But they were. No, that's their job. That's their job. And I left the meeting about to be like, you know what? Like, this just isn't going to work. Like, nothing's working. And then my agent was like, there's this German brand, Katja's. Like, they're looking for a U.S. partner. And I said, shut the up. I have eaten Katja's for four years and counting. This is my favorite candy in the entire world. Please have them meet with me. So the CEO, Bastion, flew out to L.A. He met with me.

33:48How did you hear about Katja's? I never heard of him. My best friend Brett brought them home from a sweets and snacks expo, or like Expo West. They have like literal like festivals for like snacks. And like you walk around like the convention center and you eat a bunch of snacks. Like takis and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Takis, like whatever. And she brought back kachis and we were like, oh my God, this tastes like Alex, who's been on the show. It's like, it tastes like you're eating like a cartoon. And I was like... And I was like... That's really funny. And I was like, I want to partner with you.

34:20but I don't just want to, like, endorse it. I don't want it to just be, like, a normal, like, brand deal. Like, I want to help market it. Like, the goal is, in, like, four years, like, if you see this on stands, like, you have no idea that I have anything to do with it. Like, I want to make this a staple in America as much as it is in Germany. I think it's gonna work, because I think it's absolutely delicious. They're so good, but this is very you. You've created different characters for each octopus. Yes. So this one here is... Happy. Okay. This one here is... Sad. Can you see these? I don't know if you can see.

34:53Yes, this one's very sad. Aw. Sad cherry. That's sad, yeah. And then, uh, what is this one? Hopeless.

35:09Hopeless. Okay.

35:14Do you want to eat one? I have to eat one. Cheers. Okay, cheers. Eyes? Or it's bad luck? All right, eyes. Mmm! I'm good. I wanted to get you something. Uh-huh. To congratulate you on your whole business. Mmm. And... Therapist. And therapist. On Netflix. So I got you something. What are you... Shut. No! No! No way! I want to take a picture of you with you.

35:55Look how much weight I lost from here and there. Okay.

36:07Yeah. That's good. I will post this. That's what I'm talking about right there. Jake Shane, everybody. Touches Gummies are available in stores now. They're really delicious. We'll be right back, everybody. I really love it.

36:38Our next guest is currently on his The Nothing Special tour Please welcome the very funny Jay Jordan!

36:58Okay.

37:07Okay, thank you. You know what? I'm gonna say something controversial. Straight men. That's it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Straight men, I'm gonna say something you ain't heard all week. Something you haven't heard all month. Something you haven't heard all year. Straight men, I'm proud of you. Yeah. I'm proud of you. Ladies, you gotta say that sometimes. You don't gotta mean it. You gotta say it. Rub their back. Speak their language. Go, ooh, yes. Parlay. Ah, Doc Prescott, PS5, Spider-Man. They need that. These men, they're sad, they're downtrodden, they're getting bullied online. And you know who's bullying these men?

37:49Straight women. Yeah. Look at that. Just a bunch of female bullies.

38:00Are you proud of yourselves every time I get on my phone?

38:07Every time I get on my phone, what I see is a beautiful straight woman screaming into her phone. They're all saying, all these men are gay now. This man asked me on a coffee date, gay. He ordered a cappuccino, gay. He keeps sleeping with other women. Gay. And ladies, you're right. Yes, the men got gay, but the men got gay because the girls got butch. Mm-hmm. You can't call your boyfriend gay if you're both wearing Bergenstocks. You gay, too.

38:47You're calling your boyfriend gay? Y 'all got the same hoodie, the same haircut, and the same sandals? Y 'all are lesbians together. Stop fighting, kissing makeup, and a New York Liberty game. Everyone in this room, guess what? You gay now, too. Yeah, everyone's gay. The Roots, Jimmy, you all gay. Watch this. Hey, man, are you straight? Not anymore. Check your phone. You got a new app.

39:18Okay, okay, maybe y 'all aren't gay, but y 'all are gayer than when you walked in. You're gayer than your great-great-grandparents. That's how time works. The present is bi. The past is straight. The future is gay.

39:35Some of y 'all don't believe me. I can prove it. Every woman in this room, you are gayer than your great-great-grandmother because you get to rattle off crazy lesbian nonsense. You get to say crazy lesbian stuff like, well, I think.

39:49Your grandma can say, well, I think. All your grandma can say is, well, pfft. Every man in this room, you are gayer than your great-great-grandfather because you paid money to see theater. Ha, ha, ha. You ventric, stand-up comedy is just theater for homophobes. This is basically wicked. Everyone's getting gayer, including my husband. Yeah, my husband, he's gay. I'm not gay. He's gay. I'm not gay. I'm just a people pleaser. I'll never forget.

40:32Y 'all, I will never forget. He came out to me. He said, baby, I'm gay. I said, what? We were in bed. I said, what? I've been married to a gay guy this whole time. That's amazing. That's the secret to a good marriage. Ladies, get you a little gay husband. Mm-hmm. Okay, some of y 'all got one already. Get you a little gay husband. A gay husband is just like a straight husband, except for gay husbands do what? Listen. A lot of people think that queer media is gonna make kids gay. That didn't happen to me. You know what did this to me? pro wrestling in the early 2000s.

41:12A little TV show called Raw.

41:19I don't know why they named it that. Yeah, my favorite wrestler, The Rock. Oh, I love The Rock. See? I knew y 'all were gay. I love The Rock. When I first saw The Rock, my first thought, I said, Dwayne, give me that Johnson.

41:38My second thought, I said, this man is beautiful. What is he? They said, he's half black, half Samoan. I was shocked. I didn't even know black people could be half Girl Scout cookie.

41:53My therapist, she said, I have anxiety and paranoia. I told her, who said that? To combat that anxiety, I got a white noise machine, but my husband doesn't like it when I call him that. Oh,

42:10my God! People hear that joke, they think, white husband, how white is he? Probiotics level white. Yeah, probiotics, that's white culture. Sometimes people ask me... Sometimes people ask me, they go, oh, Jay, you been dating this white guy for so long, you married this white guy, do you feel like your blackness has been affected? I gotta check him. I go, listen, I'm from Mississippi. My mother and my grandmother saw civil rights happen in real time. I was born black, I'm gonna die black, because that's how I feel most days. And then some days, I'm like, ooh, baby, we should get a birthday cake for the dog.

42:46I'm BJ Jordan. Thank you so much. This has been a dream come true.

42:53A little game, a little game. A little bit, a little bit. Just a little bit. BJ Jordan! That's how you do it. CJ on his nothing special stand-up tour right now. We'll be right back, everybody. Dude, he's got it!

43:23My thanks to Helen Mirren, Alan Cumming, Jake Shane, Jay Jordan once again! That's how you do it. And the Roots right there from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Thank you for watching. Stay tuned for Late Night with Seth Meyers. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Got a bomb. Got a getting bomb. Got a getting bomb. Get a getting bomb. Brrr!

43:53Uh-huh. Thanks for listening to The Tonight Show starring Jenny Fallon. Don't forget to subscribe to get the latest episodes weekday mornings wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon weeknights on NBC and streaming on Peacock.