Arsenal wrong’uns XI: Pizza Hut scraps and Hong Kong police chases

0:28Ray-Ban Meta lets you explore the world without a screen getting in the way. Welcome back to The Upshot, sponsored by Injury Lawyers 4U. I'm Jack. And I'm Zach. In honour of our new Premier League champions, we are picking our Arsenal all-time 11 of funny players. So it's crazy stories, scandals. It's all the scandals, all the gossip. This has nothing to do with our footballing ability because I've got a couple of stinkers in here, to be honest, on that front. I'd actually say my team would do a job. Yeah. I don't think they'd win the Champions League on the weekend, but they'd be alright they're very very funny stories there are some great ones alright so we've both blindly picked an 11 yeah we've both picked our our scandalous players of all time who've ever played for Arsenal and I have no idea what you got but we're gonna try and consult and work out the bad boys 11 of all time for Arsenal and if we can't agree producer Jack who's off screen is gonna break the deadlock certainly is I've had to get a bit creative in a couple of positions, but so be it.

1:32Who's going to start? Shall I start? You go for it. Okay. Who else could we start with in goal than Mr. Jens Lehmann? I mean... Almost went for him. Yeah, it was the obvious choice. I mean, obviously mental as a player, just like screaming at people. Yeah, he must have been terrifying to come up against. You want him on your team? God, yeah. He also then, in retirement, he attacked his next door neighbour's house with a chainsaw because there was some dispute over like they built a building in the way of his view. Yeah, he had a nice view of a lake, right? And they built an extension, which is no more next to the chainsaw.

2:10And then he got arrested during Oktoberfest for speeding his car, you know, like the barriers in a car park. While it was still down, he just sped through it. I think he tried to sneak through and he was arrested. He was still wearing his lederhosen from Oktoberfest. And apparently the police woman who arrested him said that he he told her you must have a malfunction in your brain which is a bit rich it's speedy how much is jens layman earned during his career and he's speeding under what what they're like two year it was three three years parking fee i mean every little every little house yeah all right that is a good one you've not gone for jens layman i've not gone for jens layman but i've gone for someone who jens knows very well and that was his understudy during the invincible season graham stack he was also his third choice keeper that season absolutely nutter he's probably the only one who could rival jens for mad stories so there was one time he uh he convinced the arsenal bus driver to let him get behind the wheel driving along and then to prank the driver decided to slam his foot on the brake the actual driver went flying through or crashed into the front windscreen split his head open cracked the bus windscreen and they because he knew to get in trouble for this so managed to convince the driver to tell them that it was rival fans that had been throwing rocks at the bus.

3:29And so obviously he did get into the first team eventually. And during that Invincible season, he set up shop in the club car park and he was flogging fake designer gear to the rest of the squad. He was flogging like fake Gucci to Thierry Henry and Bergkamp. And at their Christmas party, it all went well until the Christmas party when all of their wags turned up in identical fake Dolce & Gabbana gear. And he realised. Didn't he also, like during a game, he had like a pitch side ticket and he touted it through the fence. No, he snuck out of Highbury before kickoff to get a burger from a burger van.

4:10He was on the bench. He was on the bench for Arsenal and found this drunk Liverpool fan who wanted a ticket and sold him his ticket for 50 quid. Went on his way, thought he'd never see him again. And in the second half, this bloke wandered out of the player's tunnel and across the technical area. But he's like blocking Pat Rice, Wenger's assistant's view and some police like come and drag him off. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. And then he also, I think he had some heroics in a penalty shootout. He did become a hero. A famous League Cup win over Rotherham where he was the hero. Huge. It's, yeah, one of my favourite characters.

4:46So the criteria is who's the funniest, right? Yeah. For me, that's got to be Graham. Yeah, I think Jens is the scariest. Jens is scary. It's pretty funny as well. It's tight. It's tight. I mean, Jens is obviously the better keeper. Yeah, that's irrelevant. For me, it's got to be Graham Stack. I'll concede on Stack because I think he is funnier as a character. More capers. Jens, absolutely terrifying. Yeah. All right. Should we do - Don't tell Jens that we did that. Because he will destroy this studio with a chainsaw. Chainsaw. I think we should do left back I know normally people go from the right but I think we should go left to right I mean left back's a slam dunk surely yeah I think we've probably got the same one who have you got?

5:29I've got Ashley Cole Cashley of course yeah of course not going to be popular with the Arsenal fans I guess this choice but I've picked him for obviously his threesomes with Jermaine Pennant yeah how could you forget so they in Jermaine Pennant's book he revealed that him and Ashley Cole used to have threesomes the whole time yeah wasn't there one where they were but they said they were high-fiving over their back and they had a tea break and they stopped for tea. It's nice that they serve tea at their three seasons. I know, yeah. Who's making the tea in that situation? Probably Ashley, I think.

6:02You reckon Ashley? Yeah. I hope it's one of them. They don't send the earth to their party. Although I say he's a gent, but he also famously, while cheating on Cheryl Cole, vommed all over his mistress. Yeah. Didn't he also... He slapped her bum so hard it left imprinted from his wedding ring. Yeah, his engagement or his wedding ring. That is incriminating. Yeah. So he's naughty. And then I've also thought about the time, he was actually at Chelsea for this, but he somehow accidentally shot a work experience kid with an air rifle. Oh my God, I forgot about that one. Yeah. And apparently this guy was just bleeding in the canteen.

6:42Yeah. I say accidentally, there's a bit of a hazy thing about what happened. Yeah. didn't he get he got like posted an air gun by like a I think it was from another player probably Jermaine Bennett probably Jermaine Bennett to be honest yeah and was just larking about in the canteen and shot this this poor intern I mean he's a slam dunk left bank on he goes I couldn't think of anyone else who I'd have there yeah Arsenal fans let us know alright should we do the centre backs yeah you go first alright okay centre back I've got Mr. Tony Adams oh fuck it's gotta be Tony Adams ringleader of the Tuesday club the notorious Arsenal so you know this was back in the 90s Arsenal used to get Wednesdays off George Graham the manager gave him Wednesdays off and this group led by Tony Adams would just go on absolute rages every Tuesday night which did end in tears for Tony at times he ended up in jail for 56 days for crashing his car while drunk various other drunken capers they got up to stripping naked and dancing on the table with strippers.

7:51He once emptied a fire extinguisher on a Spurs fan in Pizza Hut. Yeah, because weren't they heckling him and maybe it was Ray Parler, another player. Yeah. And so they just went and got the fire extinguisher. The fact it's Pizza Hut. Yeah. Peak 90s. Best story, I think, though, is another caper with Ray Parler when they were in Hong Kong on a preseason trip and ended up wandering into the triad controlled red light district and they're battered and they end up there was this taxi driver and they end up lobbing prawn crackers at him and the bloke pulls out a machete chases them off they're like fleeing through the streets of streets of uh of hong kong and ray parlor ends up being arrested tony manages to leg it back to the hotel um yeah apparently they were specifically throwing the prawn crackers under the bonnet they lift the bonnet of his car and throwing them in there.

8:44Trying to change the oil. It's just so much funnier that it's prawn crackers. I've got Tony. I actually fucking left him out just in error. So it's going to be hard to compete with that, but I think I'll probably just accept he's one of the centrebags. But can I give an honourable mention to Mr. Saul Campbell? Specifically for his punditry. All right. So I've got two videos here of Saul Campbell's punditry. The first one is during, it's an international tournament. I think it's the last World Cup. Here he is making his predictions. Is he Brazil-Belgium here? What do you see? Yeah, for sure. I see Brazil-Belgium.

9:25Okay, so from that game, who's going through to the semifinals in St. Petersburg from Brazil and Belgium? I think France.

9:36That's great. I think France. I think France. Is he just not listening to the question? I can't explain that one. I can't. And then there's this other one where he's talking about Phil Foden and gets it a bit wrong. For me as a manager, I'll say, look, if he does you outside and obviously you know he's right-footed as well, you should know that already. Who's right, who left-footed? Once those guys get into your zone, as a defender, you should know left or right or maybe both. Foden's left. yeah that is great sorry so uh so to be fair there's another center back spot available there is but i i think you've got to give tony adams i think tony adams is i don't know why i didn't because i've even yeah i won't mention some others but all right so who's um so my my other i do i do like sol camber i gotta say yeah it's tempting the next one i got is current star william saliba who i don't think he's much of a rugged in general but he's in there for one reason and that is a video that emerged from a france age group camp in 2021 and this video was filmed by william saliba it showed him sitting there in his full france tracksuit on the sofa beside a fully naked man who is masturbating whilst watching something on his phone presumably poorly yeah um and it's it's captioned it's captioned saliba in the splash zone i mean he is in the splash zone he is definitely the splash zone closer to it yeah you do yeah the weirdest i just don't think saliba's the one filming it it's someone else the weirdest thing about it is everyone else in the room's just sort of it's like the games room in the like clairefontaine or whatever everyone's just going about their business in their tracksuits and then this one guys fully naked yeah it does turn out to be another france player yeah we'll remain nameless he's not an arsenal player otherwise we'd be shooting for this team uh fuck that's gonna be hard to keep out as well it's a tough one i saw it sort of depends how seedy we want our lineup to be um generally very seedy yeah okay yeah in the splash zone it's saliva in the splash zone who's your second choice well we've got one more so we've agreed Tony Adams is in Tony Adams is in so there's Sol Campbell Saliba and this next one are fighting for the other spot okay yeah it's Mr.

11:53Steve Bold hero of the Tuesday Club Tuesday Club what a Tony Adams I think he's still knocking around he was still knocking around when Wenger did his first title when the Mars Mars got banned and I imagine Steve was not a fan of the Mars Mars bar ban considering that he once ate on a six hour coach journey back from Newcastle he ate nine roast dinners in one sitting so apparently in the 90s full roast dinner yeah this is pre-Wenger you'll be shocked to hear pre-Wenger they had on away games on the bus they had two waiters serving food and drinks roast dinner like a full carvery on a bus that's not what you it's like you know when you're on a plane and you really want just like simple stuff you don't want them to do like a pie or a burger or anything that's like it's been microwave yeah it's going soggy I don't want a carvery on a National Express.

12:47Well, I reckon they could have kept it warm and then, you know, they manage it at, what's it, Toby Carvery in all the way. Keep it warm all day. Harvester. Anyway, apparently these guys would just be carving at the front and then like bringing it down to the players. And they used to have a game on who could eat the most. And according to Ray Parler, who's not always the most reliable witness, but according to Ray Parler, Steve Bold nailed nine. Nine roast dinners. Yeah. And he's also the, do you know the other story of when the French players start to join and Gilles Grimondi's like I'll go out with the English lads for some drinks just to see what they're about and Steve Bould's like right what are you having Gilles I'm going to the bar and ordering and he's like I'll have a small glass of dry white wine and Steve Bould goes up and there's five players there plus Gilles and he orders 35 pints and a small glass of white wine and these lads sink seven pints each while Gilles is just enjoying his so welcome to the Premier League so what I would say about Steve Bould is he's clearly got an enormous gut yeah yeah which I admire yeah he can consume a lot of food and he's a serious player that is I mean I mean him and him and Tony Adams are a good duo they know each other inside out yeah clearly not sure I want to know Steve Bould inside I mean they're very different categories I think you know what I'm actually leading Sol Campbell yeah for pure The France Pure comedy The France punditry one I want Steve I think Saliba is It's funny But it's very seedy It's very seedy So he's out Okay You want Saliba I actually think Steve Bould Steve Bould For the right I mean nine Roy Stillers is Think how hard that is Yeah I don't know how many Trimmings you get Yeah I mean What swayed for me Is the fact that Tidy Adams And Steve Bould Together Reunited In football terms Or in funny terms Reunited in the dressing room in this in this team yeah yeah all right i'll give you steve bold you're allowing that yeah so soul you're on the bench he will hate that soul will hate that he probably won't realize to be honest he thinks he thinks the bench is first 11 um all right so we'll go steve bold there i mean we have got the right back slot there's a chance we could play someone out of position i you know what i've actually got someone who's semi out of position uh at right back and that is colo torre who did actually play right back for arsenal his first season i think he sort of started out as a right back and then moved center so i've gone colo uh his arsenal career is pretty i mean he was turned into a bit of a legend arsenal but started out pretty dangerously i'd say in his first training session when he comes in as a try list and you know try lists are normally sort of best behavior colo in his first 10 minutes of the training session takes out Thierry Henry and Lundberg with just like flying tackles and Wenger has to pull him aside and he's like Kylo please calm down we have Premier League game at the weekend and two minutes later he slides in two foot and takes out Wenger himself Was Wenger in the game?

15:50Wenger was like reffing or like coaching I guess yeah and apparently Wenger afterwards is like I like his attitude we sign him tomorrow Nailed it Nailed it There's obviously an even better Kylo Toro story possibly one of my favorite stories of all time really it's actually when he he moves to man city and goes out to this nightclub in manchester where he befriends a student um who he pretends he pretends he's not coloratory but he introduces himself as francois a ghanaian car salesman and woos this student and actually ends up having a two-year affair with her um basically keeping up this this pretence that he is francois the car salesman and in the end uh she he continues this for a long time and he's eventually caught out when she snaps a picture of him coming out of the shower one of the best pictures i've ever seen um on screen and on screen now and she shows it to her mate and her mate's like well that's that's color tori she said no you're what you're about this is Francois my boyfriend she's like no that's Kolo Torre and eventually he's rumbled on that yeah they literally google Kolo Torre in that she just sees a picture of him with a Premier League trophy God to be that housemate would be the best yeah yeah we've got to have him I think Kolo's in for me but the thing is my right back is fucking amazing yeah not many people will know him because he's a bit vintage this is a club legend from the 60s and 70s Peter Story.

17:28And I think the best way to make the case for Peter Story is if I just read out this excerpt from Wikipedia. So this is a direct quote from Peter Story's Wikipedia. He set up a brothel called the Calypso Massage Parlor with three women to try and raise enough money to flee to Spain to avoid his trial for conspiracy to produce counterfeit money. In 1990, he was jailed for 28 days for attempting to import 20 pornographic videos from Europe which he'd hidden in a spare tire. Oh my God. I already love this guy. I think he was minting, yeah, he was minting fake coins. Not even paper money. Or fake like one pound coins.

18:09Yeah, like maybe even smaller denominations because he fell in with some organized criminals. You'll be shocked to hear. Apparently it all started because he bought a pub and it just went wrong. And then he fell into a life of crime. Isn't, didn't, because you know they replaced the one pound coin a few years ago. I heard a stat that was like... 5%. Was it 5 %? I thought it was more than that. I thought it was like 10 or 20 % of one pound coins were fakes. Yeah. Ever since Peter Story flooded the market. Half of those were from the Calypso Massacre. Calypso is such a classic name. Sounds like fun.

18:39And try to import pornographic videos smuggled in a spare tire. That's my favourite. Because obviously to the internet generation, that's like unimaginable. But I guess hardcore porn was illegal. Or was it a tax thing? I guess, I don't know. I imagine that he's been over in Amsterdam. He's definitely never in it, doesn't he? he's got hold of some steamy stuff you can't get home some hairy pubic bushes on the actors in those but I'm just thinking he must have slit the tyre open and then stuffed these videos and also how do you bust someone for that? is there an x-ray? got a tip off I don't know yeah it's good raging boner he's just the type it just knew marked his card I really want him in so I have a suggestion because Kyle O'Tore has to go in yeah I think Kyle O'Tore take Steve Bold centre-back slot I'll take that yeah let's do that let's do that let's play I mean there's no roast dinners and then there's pretending to be a used car salesman for two years Kolo Kolo centre-back Kolo centre-back and then Peter Story's got to be in yeah I think that's nice and exotic and vintage yeah alright so we've done our defenders do you want to take a wide man maybe right mid right mid who have I got right mid I have Jermaine Pennant I've got two yeah it's got a bit I mean we've really we touched on it in the Ashley Cole bit with the threesomes not sure he was always the best friend though to Ashley because a couple of years later he was pulled over for drink driving and I think he already had some like driving offences so he was like fuck I'm really gonna get in some big trouble this time so he has the brainwave to when the police officer asks his name he replies it's Ashley Cole officer just your best mate your best mate he drives to frame his best mate unfortunately that doesn't work and he ends up being jailed for that goes to jail for about three months I think it was and becomes the first player to play with an ankle tag in the Premier League iconic iconic and I mean where do you even start with Jermaine Pellet there's so many other stories he was our first ever podcast episode our first ever podcast episode my favourite one I think is that you know we used to go out with Jen Metcalf the Hollyoix actress and they went on holiday one time and while they were away Jermaine's dog killed Jen's cat like savaged it and Jermaine's mate he was supposed to be looking after the dog called him up and was like Jermaine I hate to break this to you but killed Jen's cat and he couldn't bear to break it to her so he gets his mate to clean up basically clean up the best I think they'd get a carpet removed because it was like some horrible cream carpet splattered with cat.

21:27You have to get those special crime scene clear up teams. Yeah, yeah. And anyway, they come back and he just pretends that the cat is missing. Helps Jen put missing cat posters up around in their house. I don't think he ever comes clean about it until his book came out and she probably read it in there. He writes in the book, Jen, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry. Can you imagine finding out that one? It's quite peep show. when she's putting the posters up. Yeah. You must just be like, what am I doing? Yeah. Yeah. I think he's got, he's nailed on. He's a shoe in. He might be the captain. Yeah.

21:59Yeah. I guess you could say that cat had an accident that wasn't its fault. Yeah. I guess you could call it an accident. I think it's, I'm pretty intentional on the dog's part. Yeah. I think. Yeah. But I think if you're, if you're injured and it's not your fault. Yeah. It definitely wasn't the cat's fault. You've got grounds, that cat's got grounds for a claim. Yeah. Against the dog. Yeah. Maybe the inheritors of the cat's estate were at Grand State Club. Maybe Jen Metcalf. I don't think the cat will be claiming anything, to be honest. No, and maybe the statue. Funeral costs, maybe. Cleanup costs.

22:31Maybe Jermaine could claim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could probably sue his own dog for making a mess that he had to clean up, causing personal injury. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. It's worth a try. If you've had an actual accident that wasn't your fault, then injury lawyers for you are the people you need. are the personal injury lawyers who fight for you. Number one firm. There's no win, no fee. Which Jermaine, Jermaine, I think he'll like that. He may as well. He may as well give it a go. He may as well sue your dog or whoever it is in this equation. And there's some great testimonials on their website.

23:024.8 stars on Trustpilot, was it? Yeah. Yeah. God. Sorry. Don't call them if your cat's died. That is a separate matter. Yeah. But yeah, I'll link to it in the show notes. All right, should we do some central mids? Yeah. there's some obvious names here I think I reckon we've got quite a similar team you played 4-4-2? I'm 4-4-2 yeah although they're quite fluid these guys, more ways than one so we've mentioned him already, Ray Parler so he was there Romford Pele, great player like arguably gets it in Arsenal all the time 11 anyway but he was there at the Pizza Hut incident where he and Tony Adams sprayed the fire extinguisher but that wasn't his last outing in a well known well-known chain because he also glassed someone at Butlins.

23:48Apparently he basically got into a row with people because he was yelling at random punters don't you know who I am? At which point someone started on him and he glassed them. So he ticked off Pizza Hut and Butlins. He was also in the Hong Kong. He was, yeah, he was the one who got banged up in Hong Kong. So he went to jail. I read that he got a six-month wage fine from Arsenal for that. Fucking hell. Six months. Can you imagine any other line of work when your boss just gives you six months six months explains why he was doing his holidays at Butlin's and eating out a pizza heart to be fair doesn't it one other Ray Parler thing because I think he's fucking funny do you remember when the queen died oh yeah and he paid his own very special tribute by making a cobra bomb which is what is it Jager and Cobra Beer and Red Bull can we can we get the video up all I can say to the Queen which we did on Friday night to the Queen rest in peace it's just a shot of Jaeger in a pint of Cobra he's got a good name yeah it's what she would have wanted cheers everyone have you got it?

24:59I haven't actually got Ray Parler down maybe because you got Tony Adams I had Tony Adams which there is a lot of crossover but I think I don't know Ray's it so you're alright do you want to hear my sentiments? yeah give me both I'll give you give you Okay, number one I got in is Samia Nasri. I'm playing him sent to mid. Maybe like a sort of in the hole. Yeah. What, because of the... I mean, we'll get on to that. Okay. He definitely plays in the hole. Put it that way.

25:30So, you remember the drip doctor scandal? So, this was 2016 and Samia Nasri, he visited this doctor in LA. He got hooked up to like a vitamin drip. And the drip doctors, which is the name of the company, whatever that does it, posted a photo of him afterwards, like happy, happy customer, had his vitamin drip, whatever. And Sammy and Azri's account replied to the picture saying, you also provided me a full sexual service too, right after in the hole. So you guys make sure you get this service. This whore comes and fucks the same night. This is from Sammy and Azri official Twitter account. He then came out and claimed that he'd been hacked.

26:09I mean, I actually believe him. on this occasion. I mean, even he is not mad enough to do that. It actually gets worse for him because doping officials saw this post, checked out drip doctors and realised that was doping and he got an 18 month ban. Basically ended his career. Yeah, after that it all went downhill. yeah, yeah. Fuck. It wasn't, isn't the strong theory is that it was his ex-girlfriend who got on his Twitter. Yeah. I'm probably, I mean, she had a history of like tweeting about managers like when they didn't pick him in quite a mental way. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, do you think he did?

26:46I, if I was a betting man, then I would go yes. Doctor was very glamorous. Doctor was very glamorous, got to be said. Yeah. A quick other one, more recently on Samé Nasri, very recently, in fact, he has been under investigation by the French tax man for allegedly dodging tax. So he, officially he lives in Dubai, but they suspect that he's actually been in Paris. because the smoking gun on that is 212 delivery orders to his Paris flat in the space of a year. Oh, in a year? In a year. So they think that he's basically dodging paying French tax by telling him to be in Dubai when he's not. Four or five a week.

27:25Yeah, it's a lot. That is a lot. I'd say he does look a bit bigger than he's. He looks like he's had one too many takeaways, I think. Get back on the vitamin drips, please. He would love Calypso Massage Parlour, I think. I'm sure he would, yeah. And probably, what was it? 13 roast dinners, nine roast dinners. I'm sure. Get that delivered. There's a lot of chemistry in this team. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Do you want to hear my other sentence? Emmanuel Frimpong. Why? He never really, I don't think he really shone in an Arsenal show that much. He was most famous then for being the cousin of Lethal Bizzle.

28:02But he had a better time, I think, at FC Ufa in Russia, where so he was a bit of a bit of an odd career move and he was he was asked about it at the time he did this interview before arriving where he said i set myself two goals in russia to check if it's really cold here and if the girls are beautiful here which i think the latter he he definitely found was true because years later he was asked another interview if he if he still had any dreams for his career and he said oh yeah i want to come back to ufa and star in porn with 20 Tata babes. Isn't he married? I think he is. Yeah, I think he is.

28:40Yeah, he is in fact because another story about him, he's a landlord in London and his tenant who, you know, this tenant's probably put up with years of, you know, mouldy flats and shark-like landlords and moves into Frimpog's place. Oh great, that's going to be nice. Premier League, ex-Premier League footballer until Frimpog turned up on her doorstep with his family and just moved them into the spare room. And like refused to leave. And refused to leave. She took him to court at the end. I can't remember how it ended up. Must have been quite excited when you realise an Arsenal player is going to be your landlord.

29:14And then he turns up in a doorstep with 20 tartar babes. And an air mattress. Unfurling the sleeping bag. Yeah. 20 tartar babes.

29:29Okay. Well, I've got... That's my two. That's my midfield two. Okay, I was going to throw in Paul Merson. The problem with Paul Merson is a lot of it is quite sad. Yeah. But he does have some funny capers, and he did used to do coke in the taxi on the way to training. Yeah. But is that funny? Is that funny or sad? It's probably mainly sad. So I think I'll probably roll over and take one of yours. I'm going to fight for Ray Parler. Yeah. Just remember Ray Parler, pizza hot fire extinguisher, glassing at Butlins, Hong Kong prawn crackers. Yeah. arrest cobra bomb it's hard to argue with that who are your two against a frimpong oh nasri nasri and frimpong yeah i'll take definitely take one of them yeah um it's basically do you want i think the nasri scandal is it's sort of better is it i don't know frimpong sounds more cuddly frimpong till he moves into your flat yeah you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna go with frimpong i'll give you give you um parlor parlor i'm gonna i'm gonna take frimpong because I think he's just a good, he's a good, he has a good time.

30:35Yeah, it's a, he's a happier, yeah, there's more jolly, there's jolly, whereas Nasri's, Nasri's in his, in his Paris flat, scoffing down poke bowls while hooked up to a vitamin drip. yeah. Getting sucked off. I mean, is it so bad? Pierre Storys is going to want to meet all these guys. He's going to want to play with them all, but we'll bench Nasri and I think Paul Merson's been released to West Ham. Unavailable for selection. Okay, left side. Left side. I think we might have the same. Who have you got? I've got Mark Overmars. I've got Mark Overmars. Yeah. Because nothing happened in his playing days to get him in there.

31:19But in recent years, he became sporting director at IACS, where he oversaw that really successful period. Unfortunately, he was also firing out dick pics left, right and centre to female members of staff. So much so that he gained a nickname. He gained two nicknames among staff at Ajax. The first was Dirty Uncle Mark and the second was Guile Neif which is Dutch for Horny Cousin. Because apparently he was relentless. Guile Neif. It's a seedy one. Yeah. So you had him as well? I had him when I was down. Same reason. I think he's... Yeah. Gotta be... There was actually one other thing I had for him that obviously the dick pics was the main reason that his colleagues had a bit of a gripes with him but there was one other reason which is that he was infamously tight and would wander around the hospitality box after matches collecting all the like stale left stale canapes all these like lukewarm bitter ballon and would come around with a plate and then would bring it back to his whoever he's chatting with pretending that he bought it from the bar oh not even taking home just pretending he's like got around it.

32:31That was his round to get some more snacks in. And he's doing that with pints as well. I'm sure he did, yeah. Because he's a minesweeper as well as a horny cousin. Minesweeper, Ernie. Did you have anyone else? There was one other candidate I have for left wing. I actually, yeah. Got him. I wanted an honourable mention for Anders Limpar. Oh. He was 90s as well, I think. He was more evictive in this case, but he was the one who in 97 i think it was he was pranked by this swedish tv show where they took him up on a plane and they then pretend they basically had all these like scientists on the plane and pretended that they traveled in time flew around for a couple of hours and then landed at this um air base it's like military hangar sort of thing where they made everything like it's 1989 like the plane landed and there was all this press.

33:25There were like doctors, scientists. They took him inside, gave him like a newspaper from 1999, did all these tests. And for 48 hours, they didn't give up the joke. Like he was like hook, line and sinker. He traveled in time. He thought he traveled in time. Yeah. Do you think you would fall for that? I mean, well, his family in on it and shit. I think his family might've been in it. Yeah. Because that would be the thing that you, you know, you want to turn to a friend and be like, yeah, just the most, the most surreal practice. It's all on YouTube. I'd recommend check it out. Oh, I think that's better than Overmars.

33:57This is funny. It's 11. Yeah. I know he didn't do it. He's the victim. Is he a left winger? I think he's a... We could probably play him. He's a wide man. I think he's a wide man. A wide man. Yeah. I mean, I'm happy to stick him in at left midfield. I think it's because Overmars is seedy. I don't know if he ever really recovered from... There's quite a lot of psychological trauma. It's like Sammy Nazare, yeah. I think that's better. Better than Overmars. I mean, Overmars is just a bit... It's slimy, isn't it? Yeah. Let's go. It's hard. You know, it's like a team. You don't want to be too many attacking players.

34:29You don't want too much seediness in the squad. Yeah. I think Ades Limbaugh. I was going to shout out Aubameyang as well. He's not on these guys' level. As if up front or... Well, he can play wide, can't he? Yeah. I guess you could play him on the wing. What formation? We go 4-4-2. Yeah. I know he's obviously like a striker typically, but like you can be a sort of wide inside forward kind of vibe. Yeah. and he only because recently he's at Marseille now and recently the team lost 3-0 and in response Marseille grounded the players at the training ground for a week they had to sleep there and apparently Aubameyang led like a party which I think was basically like a midnight feast kind of vibe.

35:10Sounds like a school trip. Yeah he's got like I know what you did last summer on DVD and like a lot of Ben and Jerry's. Anyway. Laser pen shining it through the teacher's bedroom. Well, eventually one of the teachers came, this like guy, not the sporting director, but an exec came to enforce a curfew. And apparently the bloke then went to bed thinking his work was done. And then Aubameyang burst in with a fire extinguisher and just sprayed the bloke, all his possessions, his bed, everything. So how old is Aubameyang? 36. He's my age. Respect for that. Yeah, yeah. I like that. I like that. Maybe he could come in that front.