Big Sam: a surprisingly scandalous story

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2:14He fed his players sheep's testicles, had love triangles with snooker stars, and got banged up for shoplifting. From kung fu kicks in the manager's office to losing 100 grand on crypto, this is the story of big sam welcome back to the upshot my name is jack hello zach hi jack hello and we are joined i'm delighted to say by comedian writer actor sketch star ed jones yes come on come on hype man boxing entry stuff sketch star to chuck them all in yeah usik doesn't say come on in that really lame voice as he gets into the ring that's exactly come on good evening everyone so ed has arrived holding a copy of course i have i was disappointed to hear that not every guest comes along with their own sort of summer reading material from the beach i've got sam allardyce big sam my autobiography with a hell of a picture on it it's a hell of a picture It's really like an apprentice kind of contestant.

3:17Like, can you just stand on the 45 degrees, fold your arms, and also bring the shiniest shoes that you own? I noticed he was quite good looking in his youth. Tell you what, and also, he had a lovely little, when he had a good trim, and he had a nice little kind of Clooney-esque sort of greyscale on the face. Do you know what I mean? And we're talking older here. Yeah, yeah, but sort of salt and pepper up top. and I think you know when he sort of when he was in slightly better shape maybe he got himself I think there was a picture of him in his suit on the one England game and he actually looks you know what he scrubs up scrubs up pretty well so 100 % of his England game yeah the one he looked great yeah really good always

3:57Ed Jones:young Sam though whoa look at him he's got a bit Harry Styles about him he's got a lot of Harry Styles about him like Mick Jagger as well the lips very true very Jagger that that's very Harry Styles that second one that is Harry Styles that's insane It's nice to think that that is what Harry Styles is going to look like in his 60s. When he takes the England job. Okay, bye. That's awful, awful, awful Harry Styles impression. When Harry Styles saves West Brom from relegation in 2054. That's got to be where the similarities between Big Sam and Harry Styles end. Yeah. Mind you, I could see Harry Styles will definitely wear the same kind of short shorts in this summer specifically.

4:39Yeah, whereas this is 1976 or something. We're looking at Big Sam. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

4:44Ed Jones:Yeah. It's ahead of his time, really. Yeah, getting Mick Jagger, I do see it. There's so much stars in that. I can't go for that. That's mad. It's interesting because we obviously think of Big Sam as a very specific sort of, slightly sort of Churchill dog from the advert look. Yeah, Big Sam. But actually quite a looker. Let's see what Lin saw in him. Let's say it. Chapter one, my secret handsome. All right, before we kick off, so you've got a sketch show out on Radio 4 we've got a Radio 4 series so me and my gang well the show's called Crybabies Presents is the name of the show and it's me and my gang Crybabies essentially we've got four episodes and they're all like different takes on famous cinematic genres so we're sort of doing parodies of like action films of sci-fi films of sports movies all this kind of stuff so we try and take like a big screen classic smush it down into 28 minutes Take all the stuff that you can see away because it's just on the radio.

5:43And it's like a very silly, stupid parody of all the stuff that you'll know from like growing up. But it's very fun. We've got some fun people in it. We've got like Amy Gledhill is in it. Susan Wacoma is in it. Greg James plays himself in one of the episodes. And it's very fun. It's on BBC Sounds. If you've got a spare 28 minutes. Who doesn't? We'll stick a link in the show notes so you can just click straight through seamlessly. there's a sport themed one isn't there there is a sport themed one that's my favorite episode it's kind of it's like cool runnings meets billy elliott meets the full monty so it's you can already you can already see where the pieces are starting to fall here guys cool running yeah exactly that's the movie people want to see but imagine that but just in your ears beautiful and diehardy one as well diehardy one yeah big action movie that's actually set at a football game so this is all you know this is the crybabies universe is expanding all the time here but they're very fun they're very stupid very silly and dare I say quite moving at times much like Big Sam's book same genre we'll put a link in the show notes you can also follow Ed at Ed Jones UK the worst handle in the world yes that's Instagram and TikTok all the good places alright Zach do you want to take us back to take us back to the start young big sam it's hard to imagine big sam or little sam

7:07Ed Jones:as he was maybe known then uh was born in dudley in the west midlands in 1954 so he was the youngest of three kids in his book he says that he was an accident after his parents had a rare night out so no more which everyone everyone deserves that um and he was apparently a very talented gymnast really as when he's growing up he used to vault the pommel horse like nobody i'll ever see that well i think his parents vaulted the pommel horse on that one night once in a while just once rarely but um but yeah he gives up football gives up the gymnastics for football and by the time he's 14 he's already developed his signature style so he says i was always a center half and a dirty bastard at that which is very on brand really yeah um so he starts he trains a bit with west brom from Wolves, Aston Villa until a Bolton scout comes calling.

8:03Ed Jones:And this Bolton scout arranges a meeting with his parents. They invite him round to the house. And his dad decides that this warrants opening the best room in the house. Here we go. So now I'm picturing a very sort of traditional 60s household. They've got this one room that's immaculate, beautiful dining table. Yeah, everything's covered in plastic. Silver color, just in case the queen comes round. And you're never in there. Yeah, you never use it. the rest of the time they're cramped around their little kitchen yeah uh but when the bolton scout comes calling the big room gets opened you know the rules princess margaret and the bolton scout it's what they'd be waiting for really the good crockery yeah um and the meeting goes well and they invite sam up for a trial and for this trip they decide to give his dad 150 quid in expenses which is very that's a fair whack very generous to them this is like the 60s yeah yeah yeah so his dad apparently they give him 150 quid and his dad's like this is way too much gives them 130 quid back in change in change and there's 130 they give us much which his mum is livid about apparently it's like she's scratching around to make ends meet at home they've suddenly been handed 150 quid I've done extra shifts this week yeah yeah that's like I don't know two grand or something that's a huge amount of cash yeah to turn up in your living room yeah just be like there you go yeah brown envelope you enjoy that yeah very very honest of his dad quite admirable yeah uh and maybe that goodwill pays off because sam does end up signing for bolton as an apprentice he's on four quid a week four quids so okay you think about 150 quid that would have been the best part of a year's wages insane that's insane to give that amount of money back um yeah so so he he joins bolton as an apprentice and they do these really grueling training sessions where they make them run for miles around bolton and the coaches for some reason insist on not giving them any water for this this is the peak of sports science yeah anyway he joins bolton he also suffers a really rough initiation from the senior players when he join so he said they were drowning me in buckets of cold water blackening my bollocks with boot polish good crumbs how's that can you imagine martin erdegaard and say like yes we have a really lovely thing where uh we get the new boys in and we put boot polish on their bollocks lewis miles getty is just cowering in the corner what is that is that just like you pin them down i guess so it's like a little tin isn't it yeah they were quite sick and twisted I always think it's so homoerotic as well there's been so many guys who would have just been so repressed not able to get their true feelings out there they're just like well this is my channel this is how I get it out this is how we welcome people yeah so that's the welcome he gets but he's still on four quid a week which isn't a lot and Big Sam decides to pick up this side job working on a production line building record players in a boot polish it's just scarred so make a record make it make it record players yeah and also another job uh cutting grass in the local park wow so you know these are six 1960s jobs yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's it's hard work it's long hours he's playing football on the side but doesn't really feel like he's making much progress towards the first team and at some point he really considers throwing in the towel with the football dream until he meets a girl called lynn and sam and lynn get on like a house on fire he he really has a soft spot for her uh he actually tells her when they meet that he makes record players for a living because hey it's a sexy angle it's a sexy yeah you know she wants to get

12:00do you need two metric tons of boot polish because i can find a guy for you cut your girl why why does he tell her that instead of football he says that he doesn't want to come

12:09Ed Jones:across as all big time being like you know yeah i play for bolton actually i'm full uh yeah when actually he you know he hasn't really achieved anything in the game um wow yeah she actually when she finds out the truth she almost dumps him for lying well actually almost might never have been with sam and lynn because he had a rival for her affections to begin with none other than future snooker star tony knowles um you're familiar with tony knowles you do have to kind of preface it with future snooker star tony knowles he was a future snooker star the great tony knowles the great tony knowles he's the uh he's the like the shagga yes he popped up we did a snooker episode a little while back they were very sexy snooker players so tony knowles especially he was the real the heartthrob of the bays in the 80s uh apparently grandmothers loved him for his smashing bottom um we're looking at a picture of that up a notch good heavens the only picture i've ever seen of him is him in snooker gear with a naked woman at the crucible yeah pretty much good lord pretty sure that's a pub top room but the trim the trim's still not great is it the smolder is there but it needs yeah Whereas the one of him in bed is quite sultry.

13:24It is actually. You can see he's a licker. I think he ruined his reputation, though, by admitting that he'd had threesomes and stuff. And all the grannies were like, that's a bit rich for my wife. We like your butter. We like your smashing butter. As far as it goes, thank you. Keep the waistcoat on, thank you.

13:38Ed Jones:Hang on. That's some serious competition for Sam, when you've got smashing bottoms like that. What was Lynn having it off with Tony Knopf? No, so apparently her and Lynn and Sam were going out, but it was clear that Tony had a bit of a liking for her as well. and sometimes they'd be out of the pub and Tony would accompany them home as well. And Sam would sort of see... Can we come to sleep now? I think his polchon for threesomes was crashing in his early days. What are you guys up to now? You've got to try. You've got to try your luck.

14:11Ed Jones:Fortunately, though, Big Sam does manage to see Tony off. Very nice. No threesomes. Over 15 frames. Playing for love. Is Tony a Bolton sort of character? So yeah, Tony is from Bolton. So I think when Sam moves there, then they... Right, because it's like Jimmy White with the Rolling Stones and Tony Knowles is a young Bolton, no-nonsense centre-back. He picked the right lane. Trying to hook up threesomes with Bolton youth players. And his wife, Lynn. He turns pro at the age of 17, so pretty young. Fair play, Sam. Instantly named Bolton's young player of the season. First season. He's a star, a rising star.

14:48and his manager Ian Greaves has a pretty unique way of encouraging him to perform on the pitch he says, Ian would throw me a fag after games if I'd done well and I'd smoke it in the bath. So that's different

15:00Ed Jones:era of football isn't it? Doesn't it get you so nostalgic to think, ah what a time to be playing as a professional football player Snooker stars were heartthrobs, footballers smoke fags in the bath in the dressing room Take me back That's as good as planet earth ever got that was that was the apex are there any managers do you think would ever do that maybe maybe you'd have like russell martin throw you a blueberry vape um what's his name sorry he'll let you chew on his cigarette butt yeah who's the really handsome guy is it rob edwards who was at luton yeah the one who's who what does he say he said something like i'm the fittest man in europe he's a very good looking lad to be fair yeah maybe giving out like signed pictures of his like of his calendar.

15:44Bit of snooze maybe they'd give you? Oh yeah. It's not quite the same, is it?

15:49Ed Jones:It's quite erotic as you just pop a snooze. Yeah, can I just... Have a sip of prime electric iceberry. But I like it just as a sort of win bonus. Have a woodbine. I hope it was formally written down in the contract as well. Yeah, two fags. So the fans, this is also kind of quaint, the Bolton fans nicknamed him Super Sam Bionic Man. because he would crunch into tackles and still get up. Too long. Too long as an internet, surely. Super sambionic man. Yeah. Too short now, isn't it? It's too short. You've got to come over the second verse, guys. So I think the idea is basically like, he looks like he's obviously destroying his opponent, but also himself, and then he just gets back up.

16:32Yeah. He's a big, big bastard. Apparently, he was very uncomfortable with the ball. Yeah, that checks out. Harry Bassett you know he went on to manage Wimbledon he said of him he's what I'd call a ball playing defender he'd play with your balls it's pretty rewind stuff so much testicle action oh yeah oh loads and then he'd blacken them with boot polish he's a top flight footballer but obviously different era he's on more than four quid a week but he's still working on the side running a spare car parts business with his brother-in-law because you did right and then you probably ran a pub that was like military service at the time you have to run a spare car parts match with your brother-in-law whether or not you've got a brother you have to do it just make it work anyway maybe it's those tricky business ventures and tough footballer wages in the 70s which led sam into a life of crime because one day sam allardyce is shopping in the bolton b &q uh he's looking for a an adapter for his garden hose yeah because he now runs a garden hose business yeah he's got that too less we forget checking out the competition so he's in there shopping he picks up one part picks up another part and he's sort of testing how they screw together screws them together and he's like yep that feels right takes it to the checkout buys it no problem on his way out big sam feels a big hand on his shoulder it is the shop security guard do you mind showing me a receipt for that please sir big sam has paid for one part of the garden hose no but he's walked out with no and therefore he has committed this is what we've got to bring back the death penalty guys yeah yeah certainly lop a hand off for that so this this um security guard leads sam into a back room where he sort of begins interrogating him shows him the they have cctv yeah yeah or like a kind of uh stenographer typing out everything i saw you sir did you pay for that part and um you know you think in this situation local footballer you might not recognise him back in those days.

18:34This is Super Sambionic Man, thank you. Yeah, and I run a car parts business. I know how it is. I'm no thief. But the security guard sees it differently. And dials the old bill. No. And rock up, cuff him, take him to the station where they throw him in a cell for five hours. Good Lord. Yeah, so they actually take his shoelaces and belt. They take a mugshot, which sadly I can't find. I bet he'd look gorgeous in it. I bet this is Harry Styles here, isn't it? Yeah, it could be Mick Jagger. It's the same mugshot. It's going to be on that hot convict Instagram page. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For chunky films.

19:07Well, to be fair, it was front page news in the Bolton Evening News. It's a big story. Young player of the year, top flight footballer, nicking stuff from B &Q.

19:16Ed Jones:Five hours in a cell seems harsh for a bit of a hose adapter. Yeah. I mean, I've obviously given Sam's side of the story. Yeah. It's possible that he knew that both parts were to be built separately. And he gets away with it. Still at large. Yeah. he's on the lamb at this point and actually in more positive news in the same year Sam and Lynn get married so he's only 19 at this point yes he's already lived like more life than we will in our entire lifetimes I thought I'd say that about Sam Allard he's been in and out of the slammer Lynn takes him back maybe she likes that she likes a bad boy in a prison cell um no they get married uh big sam has an excellent outfit for his wedding he's got 27 inch flares this wide lapel jacket and platform shoes it's 27 inches the waist no i don't think so what do you mean oh like 27 inch flares yeah the flares that's right that's where he smuggles all of those yeah exactly fit a lot of hose adapters up there on the pitch though things aren't going quite so well because Bolton are relegated that season and Sam eventually leaves and becomes a bit of a journeyman after this.

20:34Ed Jones:He does brief spells at Sunderland and then at Millwall in Division 3. Eventually though he falls out of favour at the Den and he's sort of scratching around for a club at this point. Nobody's coming in for him but yeah he's got a few more playing years left in him and he later moves on to fourth tier Preston in the late 80s and he gets promoted with them but his spell there is probably more famous for an end of season trip to spain so the team arrived there like a pack of hungry sick formers and they head down to the beach where according to those presents sam is dressed in a thong and he bastes himself in tanning oil so he's sweltering there in the iberian heat like a rotisserie chicken on the beach Wow.

21:20Ed Jones:I might have to take a pause. This is intense. A thong. Big Sam, very big Sam in a thong covered in tanning oil. But, you know, after a bit of time sunbathing, he realizes that he craves man on man contact. And so he decides to draw a circle in the sand and challenges his teammates to a sumo wrestle. A sumo wrestle? asamo sammo russle exactly let's let's immediately destroy that from any record of evidence that never happened gotta try him big sumo um uh and you know obviously big sam he's a big guy and one by one his teammates come forth to challenge him and he dispatches them sends them sprawling across the sand there's these bikini clad women sat up on their towels admiring holding the round numbers as we go on.

22:16Ed Jones:Yeah. Marvelling at this titan of a man. And eventually there's only one teammate remaining. It's the slight five foot four inch midfielder Ronnie Hildersley from Kalkaldi. Pulls off his mask. It's the snooker guy from the floor. To take his revenge. And you know Ronnie is about the size of one of Big Sam's legs. So nobody's giving him a chance. but as they're waiting to see him annihilated by Sam Roddy does him over with a precision judo trip oh my word and Big Sam's on his back everyone's the crowd's going wild and as a forfeit his teammates decide that Big Sam should be buried up to his neck in the sand so that's what they do and to make matters even worse they get their boombox and position it right by his head and start blasting out punk rock, which apparently Big Sam can't stand.

23:16Ed Jones:Well, yeah, he's a man of taste. Yeah, he's a bit of a pop guy, actually. We'll come on to it later. Oh, yeah. So he wants Madonna and they've given him pistols. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nightmare, really. And they then abandon him. The rest of the team go off to the pub and he's left there in this sweltering heat, buried up to his neck. and by the time they come back a few hours later his face is neon pink and he's both hungry and angry two things I'm hungry I'm hungry and I'm angry and eventually they relent and take pity and dig the beast out of the sand and he stormed back to the hotel where apparently he shovels 11 fried eggs down his throat 11 just walk straight to the bar you yeah Pedro 11x I don't want 12 that's too many bring me 11 yeah and then I'll be fine anyway that's basically the end of his career isn't it after he leaves Preston he's then on to trying his hand at management so he does a stint in Ireland at Limerick where I believe he wins the league nice I think that's his only thongs for everyone yeah he wins the sumo wrestling tournament which is all he really cared about I think that's his only league title oh sorry top flight league title Okay, right, right, right.

24:37Give the man his credit. After that, he does a few assistant manager roles sort of around England. And then finally, he's back at his favourite club, Bolton, where he lands the top job. So we're in 1999 now. Yes, absolutely. There's quite a beautiful poeticism to him returning back to where it all began. Because he actually grew up as a Wolves fan. Yeah, and he also, so he's from Dudley. So he's not that close to Bolton. No, it's just because he got that scout came down. Amazing. But yes, it's kind of a dream come true. I don't know if club legend would have been the right term at the time. I'm actually not sure.

25:13But by the end of it, he certainly is. Because as we all know, he does very well at Bolton. So he takes the job. It's 99. He inherits a good squad, we should say. You know, you've got Yossi Jaskilainen, Eidegger Johnson. Yes, of course.

25:26Ed Jones:Dean Holdsworth, Mark Fish. Dean Holdsworth? Is Dean Holdsworth? Yeah, Dean Holdsworth is a handy strike. It was a Wimbledon guy. The Welsh guy. Yeah. I mean look he's decent and as we said he's actually very ahead of his time so thanks to his stint at Tampa Bay he's learned all sorts of sports science and so he comes in and a bit like Arsene Wenger's doing at the exact same time at Arsenal he brings in all this like new data they're tracking around scouting hires a nutritionist a psychologist well it was chewing chewing was the big Wenger thing wasn't it timing them chew or making them chew for longer yeah and banning Mars bars that was it yeah Yeah, which I guess Big Sam's probably doing similar.

26:08Or he's just chewing Mars bars. Fried eggs. 11 fried eggs. Protein. He also introduces heart rate monitors in training, which is cutting eggs. This is, yeah, this is kind of like Steve Jobs stuff. But not every player warms to it. You know, much like how the Arsenal players were chanting, we want our Mars bars back in the back row of the team bus. Ian Marshall, who's a defender slash striker, I learned. Can't say I remember him. he basically he's training at home and they're all told to do some training at home and wear your heart rate monitor and bring it in the next day Ian just straps it to his dog sends it nice well he's the thinking man's footballer there's an old sort of reading you'd get from that cover a lot of ground I guess he's still by this tree for a long time yeah well you're very fit anyway it works though these methods and in the first season under Big Sam Bolton gets the semis of the FA and League Cup yeah nice and they reach the playoffs in the second tier.

27:03They don't go up, but the following season they do. But that's quite an achievement, isn't it, to be a second tier team reaching the semi-files? It's weird how often it's both cups. And anyway, so in his second season they're promoted. They finish runners up in what becomes the championship. Up to the Premier League they go. The promised land. Sam Allardyce is a Premier League manager. Naturally the bookies write them off. Their odds on to go down. Then they win their first three games and go top of the league. Nice. Yeah, and the Bolton fans are in dreamland. They're celebrating. they're frying eggs every morning well actually he's got some new incentives for his players far more exotic than fried eggs poached eggs so he decides to introduce this principle he says in his book if we lost by more than three the players had to eat sheep's testicles but if we won by more than three then the backroom staff and I had to eat them you needed plenty of sauce on them to get through it I can tell you sorry I've gone full Yorkshire there what sauce do you think that is red yeah or maybe like you know a Bernays maybe there's actually something rich At that point, they should have like a club chef who's maybe actually...

28:03We've got a nutritionist, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're making it a bit more palpable. It's beautiful. And if you get it in season, oh.

28:10Ed Jones:I think it's got to be brown sauce. Yeah, red or brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until it's like complete, you can't even see anything. It's just like a kind of, yeah, a lumpy sea. Because I imagine a sheep's testicle to be quite rich. I think. A lot of flavours. I'd imagine very sinewy. Are they crunchy? No, I just thought they'd be like quite rubbery. Oh, yeah. Or is there a pop? Is there a moment of pop? Oh, God. Blackened with boot polish. Yeah, do you eat them whole? Do you have to put them in their mouth hole? Well, it depends on the culture. I believe in Bolton, they do eat them whole, I believe.

28:40Simon will swallow her, actually. It's like an oyster, just get it down. Anyway, this new win bonus sort of incentive works, and they stay up, and then they make those very good signings. So a lot of us will remember this era. JJ Acoccia, Ivan Campo. I feel like Ivan Campo came from Inter Milan or somewhere. Yeah, did he come from Madrid? Yeah, maybe he's from Madrid. Yeah, he was like a big name signing. And of course, Bernard Mendy from PSG. Phenomenal. These are insane clubs to be signed, to be going to Bolton. Or do these people, do you think these players know what Bolton is? I think they're like, there's this guy, he's leading a bit of a revolution.

29:17He will make you eat sheep's testicles. It's not all... It's like, Ivo Campo, this getting translated to it. You're like, where's the thong? It's European. Bernard Mendy actually because he was sort of like I think they had him on a loan he was a rapid right back and he ends up getting in this huge training ground fight with another player who joined that season Bulen Akin this Turkish fella and Sam said it was the most violent fight he'd ever seen wow full stop and he would have seen some brawls yeah he would have in his grass cutting days Tony Knowles probably caught one so apparently he said basically on the training ground they're battering each other with punches it's not slapping stuff it's like really going for each other they're pulled apart Sam drags Mendy one way the coaches drag Akin Bulent the other way and Sam's furious he's like what the hell are you doing you're completely messing up training drags him straight to his office like pushing him the whole way through the door sit down there explain yourself son and just as Bernard is beginning to say well Gaffer what happened suddenly the door flies open and it's Akin Bulent who then round two yep round two and he brings the noise this time.

30:28He charges across the room. He's in a thong this time. You and me, sumo. Charges in and flies in with a Cantona kung fu kick to the neck. No way. Sam says he almost decapitates him. Good Lord. That would be such, what a weird press conference to have to then like describe. The boys are in good shape. One player has lost a head, but we're working around that. We're going to check with him on Saturday morning.

30:52Ed Jones:Doing that in your manager's office while your other colleagues, while they're just like having a meeting it's pretty mental because also the manager will always play down the training ground fight it's good to see some intensity it shows they care I wonder if he knocks before I'll wait for that it's the element of surprise oh it's you I noticed both players left that summer yeah fair enough to become kickboxers become sumer-users in the Balearics but anyway Bolton avoid relegation yet again they're flying at the penalty And they have another couple of good years in the Premier League. So gets to the League Cup final in 2004, loses to Middlesbrough.