Cristiano Ronaldo: it’s my orgy and I’ll cry if I want to (with Max Fosh)

23:18Max Fosh:yeah but it's also a lot of people claim that he was winking at the camera which he wasn't he wasn't at all I remember very clearly I was at a garden party that's the most me sentence of a girl out of my mouth I was 11 years old there was a marquee that was blaring S Club 7 I was watching the game and I was absolutely incensed so much so that I didn't feel up to going up to the girl that I fancied afterwards and trying to like get her to kiss me because I was so cross that Ronaldo had done this to me. I can't think about it. I can't focus on that. I can't think about flirting. Have you forgiven him?

23:55No, I haven't. Because I've always been, I'm not a Man United fan. I've always been on the receiving end. I've never had the opportunity to cheer on a team that had Ronaldo in. So he's been perpetually been a villain in my eyes. You're an Al Itihad guy in Saudi. Yeah, absolutely. Bloody hate him. Yeah, but I remember the fallout well. I think I probably also used it as an excuse for not getting with any girls that day. We'll just watch this bubble. Yeah, all hell broke loose. So England got out on penalties. Weirdly, unlike when Beckham got sent off, Rooney's not really the one held responsible.

24:32This time it's Ronaldo. And as you'd expect from naughty's tabloids, some fairly unhinged coverage emerges in the subsequent days, including this article I found from The Sun. published a few days later, where The Sun unveiled a Ronaldo dartboard that you could cut out, put up on the wall. That's brilliant. That's good stuff. I'll read out the article. Give Ronaldo one in the eye. Players line up to lash the rat. Different game. But anyway, he said, it says, here's every England fan's chance to get revenge on the world's biggest winker. Now, let me tell you, they did some horrific stuff, The Sun, but their wordplay is second to none.

25:09I'll give you the next line. You can judge after that. Our human dartboard shows Portuguese Nancy boy, Cristiano Ronaldo. The Man United midfielder is caught in the act of winking to his teammates after helping get England star Wayne Rooney sent off. We've made Ronaldo's wink the bullseye. So put it up in your office and give the sly senor one in the eye. Make it an arrowing experience for him. Yeah, retract everything I've said. To be fair, apart from Nancy boy and I guess sly senors a bit. You know, it was 2004. It's a bit of faulty showers. Yeah. Nancy boy is like, cause he's sort of good looking.

25:46Yeah. I think just cause he's young and relatively good looking, I think. Yeah. And you know, they would have used the word metrosexual back in 2004. Those are the days.

25:55Max Fosh:I do remember another headline that said it was like wink, winker with the I as an asterisk. Yeah. I guess cause this is at the age of proper football, hard men. You've, you know, you're Kevin Nolan. and you've got we've got john terry in that team yeah he's pretty hard he's yeah you've got your classics your center backs are men you do not want to meet down the back of a dark alley whereas now you've got a virgil van dyke who's just kind of like a very like everyone talks about how nice he smells yeah it's like a yoga instructor yeah yeah yeah absolutely yeah so anyone who had any form of kind of like frosted tips in their hair or gel it's it's they are nazi boy classic and But he's still got that 1 ,500 pound price tag on his end.

26:41Hanging over him. He gets a lot of abuse. So it's a bit like what Beck's got after that World Cup. It's just, you know, the fans chanting abuse. He has to have security on his door. People just lose their fucking mind. And this was back when he started to play back in the prep. Yeah, well, he's back at United. So two stories I read about the United thing. One is that Wayne Rooney went straight up to him in the tunnel afterwards and was like, good luck with the semi, mate. So you're sitting really friendly. The other one I read was that Rooney broke down in tears in the dressing room and said, I'm never fucking playing with him again.

27:11So choose your poison. One of them is bollocks. Probably both, actually. Almost certainly none of those things happen. What does happen is he hands in a transfer request because he says it's impossible for me to stay. And he accuses Man United of not supporting him. I don't know if that extends to Fergie, who he's always so positive about. But he says, I've had no support. I want to leave. Real Madrid publicly say, we'll have you. but United say no fucking way we're not selling him and thank god he does stay because that is when he forms that amazing partnership with Wayne Rooney and they go on the absolute charge they win three league titles back to back Champions League in 2008 in which he misses a penalty in the shootout I forgot about that wait no does he 2008 is against Chelsea it's in Russia we lost to Chelsea we lost United John Terry missed John Terry John Terry yeah he's and then Chelsea won in 2012 12 yeah yeah yeah I was covering the parade for the Evening Standard newspaper just as a journalist, and I've never seen so much open use of drugs as the Chelsea Victory Parade.

28:15Everyone I turned and looked around, it seemed like it was even the old ladies just had a bag of white powder in their hand. It was mental. It was a lot of celery and a lot of empty baggies on the floor. Yeah, you know, posh boy. You know, the posh boys have good contacts. Full of Broadway. Yeah, that Champions League final, I forgot. so he scores in it to be fair he scores a header but he misses a penalty and then when they win the shootout he's just lying on the ground crying I think mainly relief probably relief he does love a cry at the end of a major game in which he's either achieved something or lost something yeah either way but I'd be interested to know from you guys like these stories of kind of like footballers for example the Ryan Giggs with the Coca-Cola and like the throttling it feels like we as kind of football fans are so in like we we we want to hear about these stories so much but i guess often the times the players themselves forget that it's ever happened because they're not they don't care as much as as you know as we do about hearing the nitty-gritty so like have you found that to be the case that often these players will be asked about an event that has been written about they'll be like i have no idea what you're talking about maybe not because they're saying it didn't happen which they can't remember i kind of think that used to be the opposite problem but like if you read a lot of 90s footballers autobiographies like is it razor ruddock where you're like this is too good to be fucking true everything's like proper after dinner speaker best man speech stuff um and now yeah you do get a bit of like it's not so much they don't remember it's like they don't tell it right yeah

29:41Max Fosh:yeah sort of the premise of this podcast yeah yeah but i think now especially every word that comes out of their mouths is so well documented that any like any minor story that happened anything mildly funny, they would have told it on fucking carpool karaoke or like... Yeah, some of the pods are really good under the cosh. Under the cosh is amazing at getting stories out of people. I actually think the overlap, they tell some quite mild ones. Yeah. But yeah, sometimes you just don't get the answer. No. Don't get it told right, no. As for Ronaldo, so he's doing bits on the pitch, but I think he wins the Ballon d 'Or in 2008 as well.

30:17So he's arguably the best player in the world at this point, certainly one of... Having not been United for very long. No, so, well, I guess five years. Oh, yeah. But he's, you know, he was really breaking through for the first three and then after that World Cup is when he just goes on the charge. He's banging them in. And he's starting to make other friends at Old Trafford too, apart from Wayne Rooney. So after training one day, he invites Patrice Everett around his house for lunch. Pat, here we go. Yeah, Pat, Patrice. And you know, Patrice is probably expecting a nice bit of roast beef, some Pinot Noir, kick back by the fireplace.

30:51instead he is stunned when Ronaldo serves up in his words salad plain white chicken and water no juice I thought there would be meat later but there wasn't I don't think juice is a requirement to be fair yeah Jimmy Robinson no squash yeah I love the idea that Patrice has really gone to the summer fruits since he's moved to United he just cannot get enough of it I don't think you should expect a friend to have juice

31:15Max Fosh:I also like that Patrice Everett has clearly got the sort of grandma approach to it's like oh you're vegetarian it's like oh you don't eat meat just give chicken yeah it's like I was expecting meat later yeah what's this yeah I kind of heard on a podcast I think one of the Arsenal players from the Invincible season Ray Pahler I think told it a classic Ray Pahler story he's like all of the European players would smoke wouldn't drink and all the English players would just drink and wouldn't do anything else those were their vices seems like Patrice Evra's vice was juice juice E numbers just Sonny D please Sonny D got any lollies he yeah he then goes on to complain I mean that is a pretty boring meal right plain white rice chicken and salad and then he says after the miserable meal Ronaldo started playing with a ball and said let's do some two touch yeah yeah and then he made Everett go for a swim as well I would find that annoying he took Everett to boot camp yeah it's like do you want to drop and give me ten yeah yeah pretty boring I'd also want to know what that conversation was like because you know when you like see someone who you work with outside of work you mainly do talk about work gossip about work but are they doing that about players oh yeah he shouldn't be in the team he's absolutely or are they kind of talking about the meaning of life Patrice Everett is a big gossip as well do you remember when he let slip on he was on Monday Night Football or one of these Sky sports shows he tells this story about why it didn't work out for Zaha at Man United you think most pros on that show are just we had a lot of good players in the team he couldn't break through and Patrice is just like well there was always this story about that he was sleeping with David Moyes' daughter they're all just like they do an apology they have to just be like obviously this is we have to just apologise to David Moyes and Wilfred there is no evidence for this he said he finished off telling that story he said if Ronaldo invites you to his house for lunch don't go for numerous reasons I'm sure we'll get to not the last person to say that to be fair to Ronaldo though he isn't always so wholesome.

33:19So he grows very close naturally to Portuguese speakers Nani and Anderson in the squad. One's Portuguese, one's Brazilian. It's quite natural they'd all be mates. And after a big win against Tottenham in 2007, they decide to celebrate with an orgy. You know, that's how you or I would celebrate. It's the boys. What else?

33:37Max Fosh:A 1-0 win against Spurs. Ground it out. We've earned this. So they hire five escorts, two of whom Gemma and Thais I regret to inform you sold their story to the news of the world I cannot wait what's the headline going to be I will read it it was I turned Ronaldo on with my Tesco knickers brilliant absolutely fantastic so they get there's a section of the story where they get really invested in the fact that her underwear was from Tesco and the other ones was from Debenhams which I don't know what the sort of message is there yeah great yeah and then this basically describes how these escorts arrive by taxi and the players are all there and the article says as they slipped in and out of Ronaldo's pool and jacuzzi well hold on that may be you know the Evers are going around for Ronaldo was actually just preparing him for an orgy like you should have just stuck around for a bit longer mate because you had no idea what was coming do you want to go for a swim yeah idiot where did you get your pants by the way waitrose yeah a bit weird but fine yeah quick number two touch yeah two touch so the article the article says as they slipped in and out of ronaldo's pool and jacuzzi the girls had an orgy all through the night stopping only for breathers and fags on the world cup winkers expensive cream sofa this sounds like that's been written by a 14 year old boy yeah a romp through the night yeah a breather and a fag the world cup winker nice to get that in as well yeah yeah i think 10 out of 10 no notes for that so basically the the um these two girls who sell their story they say it's really weird they get to the house and someone has turned all the photos on the wall the wrong way around they can't see the sin yeah to try and yes that's why his picture of his like his granny yeah his non-a non-a can't see what he's about to see that um anyway so they get there and then uh they're in the jacuzzi and then it says when gemma and taise started snogging which was at ronaldo's behest it says Ronaldo rose to the occasion.

35:40I just like the word rose to the occasion. It makes it sound like he's leaped in the box and rifled one home. He's very good at that. Yeah. Great jumper. Rose to the occasion, pulled Gemma out of the pool and took her into the shower room where they shag in a variety of positions. You're right. One of the quotes I pulled out from that, she just said, then we did it over the loo. Which is charming. Over the loo. A few other configurations as well. Tesco nicks on. And then Thais adds, then Nanny came in wearing only boxer shorts, swaggering about saying, I am hot. I am hot. I knew this wasn't going to be simple sex.

36:13Max Fosh:He's been in the jacuzzi too long, I think. Weirdly, he then insists on them shagging in the steam room. If you're hot. Yeah. That sounds like the worst place to have sex. Even Thaïs says it was horrible. It was too hot. Isn't there like a James Bond film where they're shagging a sauna or something? I've always thought it looks like hell. That sounds like absolute hell. So it's okay. It's less It's kind of It seems like less an orgy And less just kind of like Taking them off Just for random places It's like What's the difference? Shagging Cluedo It's like Gemma Gemma in the laundry room With the lead piping With the lead piping Got a billiards room?

36:51So you know I initially thought When you see orgy You just think They're all together Oh yeah High-fiving Greek Greek orgy Yeah This kind of feels like Can I just pull you for a chat? Yeah It's a bit more discreet In a way and then what and then the the jacuzzi is like a holding pen where you if you're anderson you just wait it's the green room yeah it's the green room anderson's just bubbling away

37:18simmering and then it says so she shags nanny in the steam room and that says ronaldo and nanny strolled off for half time so the girls got dressed and then thai says suddenly the man who drove us there came back through in just his boxes. He was awful, fat and bald and he got into the pool. He took Gemma out and towards the door. She turned to me pleading for me to come too but I said no.

37:45Max Fosh:Gemma's really pulled the short straw there. Yeah. Could be once banging Ronaldo in the jacuzzi. Once with the awful. What does awful mean in that context? Start the next morning. Last night I had sex with Ronaldo's. taxi driver can you imagine the taxi driver picking up the paper the next morning and just being like just comes home just telling his mates oh I had a great time last night awful fat and bald I thought a good time was had by all yeah get in the game with the college branded Venmo debit card wreck your team with every tap and earn up to 5 % cash back with Venmo stash a new rewards program from Venmo no monthly fee no minimum balance, just school pride and spending power.

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39:53It goes on, that scene. And so remember, Gemma's got up with him and Thais has said no. And then Thais continues, I went to the living room and I was on my own for about 20 minutes, laid on Ronaldo's sofa, drinking Smirnoff and watching TV. It was so amazing. Yeah, this sounds still so made up by a 13-year-old boy. It's like suddenly I had access to kind of MTV. Smirnoff ice. Yeah, there was no pinlock on the channel. You've just been iced, bro. Get it, Thais? And then she says, then I heard Gemma shouting my name. I knew she wanted me to rescue her from the fat bloke. So I lay on the floor and when she came down she couldn't see me.

40:27Stitch up. That is an absolute stitch up. What's honour amongst thieves there? I think you'd do the same though, wouldn't you? It's every man for themselves at the Ronaldo's orgy. To be fair to Gemma, she does eventually get to shag Ronaldo which she was excited about. That's what she was. Yeah, she was like, it finally happened. Yeah. So there's redemption for everyone apart from the chauffeur. Different stages that she had to get through to get to the final boss. There's another bit where, because there's five escorts but I think only two are interviewed but one of them says what are the other three doing?

40:55I think the others didn't get their payday their underwear was too premium to be interviewed by a family newspaper they said elsewhere my heart sank when the fat man got in the jacuzzi yeah poor old poor old fat man what the way is fine he's got a six bag I have to sit down all day I'm driving yeah

41:14Max Fosh:I mean to be honest most people look ugly fat and bald next to Ronaldo yeah you wouldn't that's I would yeah I think I'd keep my t-shirt on if I was shouting against Ronaldo that's not a great look either is it no no no just a t-shirt socks wearing a rash vest yeah i actually think i would refuse to join an orgy with ronaldo nanny and anderson like that's that's tough have you ever seen the pool jewel sex tape no but that's immediately what i want to watch wigan wigan manager and this is just a derby county it was when he was when he was at at derby county during that terrible derby county season i don't think it's that season i think it's not okay it happens later um and he keeps his t-shirt on throughout.

41:53And it's like a tight black tight black. And he keeps, he's doing it, he's having sex on the bonnet of his Rolls Royce which has the license plate JJB1 because that was their owners like, it was JJB Sports. Yeah, yeah, JJB Sports. And he keeps going, I'm sweating, aren't I? Tell me if I'm sweating. Yeah. Brilliant.

42:08Max Fosh:Paul Jewel. I think there is a still from it on Google. There are a few people you want to see in a sex day less than Paul Jewel. There we go. Yeah, there he is. He does look quite sweaty. Wait, it looks like he's posed for that. Yeah, well I think he filmed it. yeah it's worth a watch um there is also uh there's quite a good attempted joke in the news the world article about payment um so thai says about just the whole experience she said i felt like a wag because you know she's sitting in ronaldo's sitting room yeah and then the news of the world continued but wag stood for what a git she thought ron was nice after counting the money at the end and he'd only paid 2 900 pounds at the end of the lust match that doesn't make any That doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

42:49Competitive lusting. Yeah, yeah. In which case, the taxi driver's man of the match. He's really gone in there all guns blazing. Good to give him a gong. Yeah. He's got 8.2 rating on foot mob. I don't think that wag joke worked for them. No, no, no, no. What a git. He was to you because of the money. But they got paid 2 ,900 pounds. Yeah, which I don't, I mean, Two 12 year old Ronaldos It's best not to mix those two That's why we turned the photos around Yeah £2 ,900 for five of you Is£600 a head Oh so that's£2 ,900 in total I reckon there are agency fees I imagine Is that not how it works? HMRC Yeah exactly Saps on my hard-earned romping cash You know those sport bible ones That are like Luke Little is set to lose Half his prize money And it's just tax It's just like Tax I don't know There's travel costs You've got to pay the chauffeur Probably That would be a real Kick in the teeth You've got to then Surely the chauffeur Is the chauffeur getting That's his Payment Yeah I hope they don't Have to pay him For their taxi After all that Yeah He apparently actually Was a bit of a dick Which I think is why He was a taxi driver Yeah he was quite rude A fat man Yeah afterwards And he was a bit like Can you guys go That's why Ty He's decided Like a scathing Review in her match report Anderson apparently was a perfect gentleman and had the biggest manhood of the three they said always good to know always good to know Nanny very rude very transactional apparently and greedy greedy?

44:27well I sort of just sorry greedy is the wrong word selfish self-centered focused on his own pleasure yeah he did unlike Anderson I mean Anderson

44:35Max Fosh:he's sort of the hardworking just he puts in the engine man he doesn't feel yeah Ronaldo did no tracking back that day It's safe to say. Nani Ronaldo flicks and tricks. Just like. To be fair, Ronaldo would find out a couple of years later just how fucking annoying Nani could be. Oh, really? When Nani tries to steal his goal in a friendly against Spain. Have you seen that clip? No. Ronaldo shoots from sort of wide outside the box. Chips to keep it. Is this kind of the Portuguese calling it the David Nugent goal for England? Is that when he nicks one? When he nicks, the only goal he scored, I think he took it off.

45:09Oh, yeah. Like Jermaine Defoe, he poked it in on the line. This is even worse because Nani's offside. Ronaldo shoots. It's amazing. Great goal. Then Nani runs to the goal line and heads it in and it's ruled out for offside. Oh, yeah, yeah. And Ronaldo loses it.

45:23Max Fosh:Stomping his feet, screaming. I mean, to be fair, it would have been a sick goal. It was such a good goal against Spain. Yeah. Wait, so the goal was disallowed? Yeah, offside. Yeah. Bit of a correct turn. And here he's offside. Faint there. Yeah. He's off. If you just stop it there. Just there. And he really doesn't need to touch. It's already over the line. He is almost already over the line. Does that not mean it's a cult? Anyway, ruled out. So yeah, selfish lover, selfish teammate. I can't believe that. Yeah, so that's kind of the only sort of like tabloid kiss and tell, I think, from around that.

46:01I did also read that he shagged Imogen Thomas. Do you remember her, the big brother one who slept with Ryan Giggs? Yeah. Was she one of the page three girls? She did do some of that glamour modelling stuff But she was the person who led to Ryan Giggs being outed Basically because there was some super injunction But Ronaldo was also around this time On off dating Gemma Atkinson from Hollyoaks Right I actually do remember her I do remember Gemma Atkinson Not because she was on Hollyoaks She was kind of She was quite celebrity She said that all they did Was watch Only Fools and Horses and drink tea Which is a different side to them Seems so weird.

46:39But Only Vos Norses is quite international, isn't it? Like you can be walking in a market in the middle of nowhere and they'll be like, Rodney Uplonka or Ronnie Uplonka in Ronaldo's case. That was quite sweet to know that he has that side.

46:50Max Fosh:Yeah. Sort of Mr. Bean-esque. Yeah. Works for everyone. Yeah. Actually on his dating as well. So the Man United masseur, I don't know if he still works there, but he obviously knew Ronaldo pretty well because he's always giving him massages. And he said that Ronaldo used to, they'd always have X Factor on when he was giving a massage and he would ask him for like to get him celebs number. So Danny Minogue, he went a few days ago. Yeah, I've heard him tell the story about Danny Minogue and then he tried, does he get, he either gets Danny Minogue's number one or then he gets another. So he dates Danny Minogue and then he asks, he says to the masseur, can you get me Kimberly from Pussycat Dolls?

47:24I don't remember her, but she was a judge on X Factor at the time. And he was like, can you get me her number? And the guy, the masseur was like, well, what's in it for me? And Ronaldo said, see my Porsche out there. It's worth 60 grand, but if you get me her number you can have it for 30 so he's like alright gets her his number Ronaldo sells him the car for 30 and the next day he sells the car for 60 grand brilliant absolutely brilliant so this would have been around 2010 7 oh this is before sorry actually a bit later 2008-2009 this is when he's about to leave so who would have been because I love the idea that there is a bit in Ronaldo's mind there's a portion of his brain who knows who Steve Brookstein the first winner of X Factor is Oh who won X Factor Who won X Factor in 2009 And who are the judges I think Joe McEldry Yeah I actually remember him So like I love the idea that Cristiano Ronaldo Knows who Joe McEldry is Yeah he voted for him He's calling the number Oh yeah it was the year of Cheryl Danny Minogue Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell That's one of the better lineups I think anyway sadly Ronaldo's time watching X Factor and indeed playing for Man United is coming to an end because I don't know I guess he's sort of achieved everything he needs to in England right he's won Champions League won multiple league titles he's probably bored of seeing his chauffeur naked he's watched all of Only Falls Norses he's down to those Christmas specials the later ones the box sets yeah they're not as good those ones the later ones and Real Madrid come calling and that's the one club if they come for your player I think you're just like fair fucks unless you're a Liverpool fan and so he leaves United he ends up playing 292 games for United in that first stint 118 goals and yeah we've talked about all his silverware it's actually so interesting how like 118 goals for 292 games is objectively a fantastic goal to game ratio but almost nowadays it wouldn't be like if you like the Harlins and the Harlins and the Salahs of this world where you now almost expect to score you know 75 % of the games that you play in and it's just remarkable that he was he was a Man United legend Ronaldo but I think does that not just cover him sort of aged 18 to 21 that's true a lot of sub appearances

49:41Max Fosh:he's on the right wing because it is it's that sort of Messi and Ronaldo era when they're banging so many goals that it is reaching the point where it's like if they don't score then it's a surprise and if they're like there are seasons maybe for both of them where they scored more goals than games and I'm sure I'm sure it's coming but I know that's when he goes to Real Madrid that just becomes an absolute goal fest yeah that's his golden era really so it was 2009 they splash out 80 million on him that's a lot I remember that transfer fee 80 million thinking oh my god that's so much money it was world record fee at that point and obviously Real Madrid fans they've seen him at United they are hyped for his signing 80 ,000 turn out to the Bernabeu for his unveiling what did he do kick ups I guess I've always thought with these unveilings like is it that much of a draw You're going to see them play every week anyway.

50:34Max Fosh:Do you really want to go and see them do kick-ups? You don't really do it here, do they? No, but you don't do it here. Yeah. Anyway, he quickly starts living up to the price tag, scores 33 goals in his first season and then 53 in his second. There you go. That's very impressive. So yeah, like we said, this is sort of the start of the goat era, Messi versus Ronaldo, both just setting these insane goal-scoring records. Messi, though, I should say, is very much on top at this point. So he wins four Ballon d 'Ors in a row between 2009 and 2012, which for Ronaldo is not good for his fragile ego. And it might explain a couple of quirks that he had from around this time.

51:17Max Fosh:So the journalist, Julien Bellagio, claimed that Ronaldo, while at Real Madrid, refused to call Messi by name and only referred to him as motherfucker. Love it. That's great. It's not even particularly inventive. No, it's root one. He could have just gone, he who must not be named. Fun, but yeah, motherfucker. Just motherfucker. One of his old fitness coaches at Real Madrid also said that Ronaldo always carried around a piece of paper in his pocket that had a list of all of his trophies on it. Just... That's psychotic. But at that stage, what he'd won, actually, he won kind of three Premier Leagues back to back.

51:58Yeah. He'd won the Champions League. He'd won the FA Cup, the Ballon d 'Or. So that is quite a sizable list. But do you need, everyone knows you're the best, one of the best two players in the world. Who, yeah. Also, who is that for? Is that for him to be like at the pub to be like, this is what I've won? Or is it for him to look at it? Be like, oh God, I remember that.

52:13Max Fosh:Well, I think he does like comparing himself to others. Because Antonio Cassano, the AC Milan striker, who was at Real Madrid as well for a while. He did a podcast around this time where he was asked about his top five players of all time. Of all time. All time. And he didn't name Ronaldo in his top five, which I think at that point is kind of fair enough. I think that's fair enough. He hadn't reached his peak yet. All time, yeah. Doesn't go down so well with Cristiano, who sends Cassano a voice note saying, you disrespected me. Don't do anything like that again. You only scored 150 goals. You only won four trophies.

52:49Max Fosh:and he then texted him this list of trophies that he'd won. Brilliant. I think that's great. So petty. So we're getting villain-era now, aren't we? Yeah, he's slightly turning into... I mean, you either live... You die the hero, see yourself long enough to become a villain and I think we are now seeing 2013 as... Become the winker. He's becoming the villain. Yes, the winker was his... The origin story, isn't it? The origin story, yeah. That kind of coincides with his peak, really, from 2013 where he's just unstoppable on the pitch. You can see why people who are not Real Madrid or Ronaldo fans start to turn against him.

53:25Max Fosh:Wins four Champions Leagues and four Ballon d 'Ors in five years. Also becomes Real Madrid's all-time top goal scorer during this period. He was so good. He was very good. He was so good. Yeah. Always forget that he also won the Euros with Portugal. Yes. Because it happened quite weirdly. Do you remember? So it was 2016. It was when we went out to Iceland. And Portugal were really shit. They went through in their group in third place, I think. It was one of those. And the only game they won inside 90 minutes was against Wales in the semifinal, 2-0. That is proper. That's proper competition football, winning the tournament.

54:00Yeah, it's a bit of shades of...

54:02Max Fosh:It's a bit like England in the last Euros. You just scrape through somehow every round. And like England in that Euros, the vibes were terrible. So Ronaldo's constantly slagging off his teammates. He's just in a very irritable mood. At one point, a reporter asked him a question. that he doesn't like and he grabs the microphone and throws it in a lake. We've got a clip here. I'll link to it. Wow. Yeah, I'd never seen this before.

54:31Objectively, really fun. Yeah, it's great. I wish there was more of that in football. Also, the sound of the microphone made. It gets woofs off into the lake. And then you do hear it just go, never to be heard again. I'd like to see more of that. It's quite WWE, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but yeah it's a weird old tournament he does have one game where he's really good I think he has a decent tournament but of course in the final he goes off in the ninth minute injured he does his crucial ligament and bursts into tears obviously and then is subbed off and then do you remember this is the first time you see him doing that thing where he takes over as manager he's just in the technical area doing instructions hand gestures everything very undermining who was the manager I can't remember

55:13Max Fosh:was it Roberto Martinez no no I know that was later oh yeah it was Fernando Santos of course the great Fernando Santos no idea yeah to be fair Ronaldo could probably it's always weird because you always like him and Messi they'll never be managers but like Ronaldo does kind of seem to yeah I totally see him in a suit Champions League under the lights at the Emirates surely he's too like glossy and single I don't think his ego would be able to take it because he is relying on other people in order to do what he thinks is correct and I think he would just get so frustrated. It would be brilliant to see Ronaldo press conferences when they've lost to like Real Betis 3-1.

55:54But I don't think he's right.

55:56Max Fosh:I kind of think he wants more power. You see him sort of cozying up to Trump and Infantino and people like that. I can see him going into sort of politics or like football blazer. I think he'll buy a club like Beckham. Oh yeah. That would be the new thing that those superstars do. He would love to be like president or prime minister of Portugal. Yeah, I've heard it's been mentioned. And to be fair, Ronald Reagan. Anyway, despite Ronnie being off for the whole game, they win in extra time and they are crowned champions, at which point I think he cries again when they win. Fair enough. And it's weird because he doesn't seem to go the like, you know how Roy Keane said that treble, the Champions League win, he was suspended for the final.

56:36He like doesn't consider it an honor that he won. Whereas Ronaldo is like, yeah, European champion. Fair enough. And he's national hero in Portugal. Have you seen the statue at Madeira Airport? I have seen the statue. It's absolutely fantastic. We're looking at it now. It looks like skibbity toilet. Sorry for that very Gen Alpha reference, but it's absolutely horrific. His eyes are so close together and so small. There was a thing in Art Attack or something like that that was like a plasticine head that talked. Yeah.

57:05Max Fosh:All of his features are so close together in that statue. So apparently what happened is the sculptor showed him an early version and he said, can you make me look younger? and that was the result. But yeah, so apparently he asked, he's basically been Botoxed. Has Botox gone wrong? Yeah, it's been to heart of the stream. The sculptor, Emmanuel Santosh, has stood by his creation. He said, it is impossible to please the Greeks and the Trojans. Neither did Jesus please everyone. It's quite nice, sort of lyrical. Yeah. And Ronaldo, I mean, Ronaldo was shown an earlier draft, and even then he was like, no, that's the better one.

57:41Yeah, yeah, yeah. that's the one that Ronaldo basically approved

57:45Max Fosh:so he'd seen the original statue he'd asked for it to look younger are we now looking at what Ronaldo is going to look like in 10 years time when he's had so much Botox the Brian Johnson puffy face measuring his night time erections injecting his son's blood plasma I can see Ronaldo doing that um 2017 uh also saw ronaldo face some some pretty serious allegations and we can't really tell his story without mentioning a pretty grim episode that came to light that year so an american woman called katherine mayoga alleged that ronaldo had raped her in a las vegas hotel room in june 2009 so obviously it doesn't come out until many years later but immediately after that incident katherine had filed a report with the American police.

58:42Max Fosh:But she then subsequently reached an out-of-court settlement with Ronaldo and his legal team where she received$375 ,000 in exchange for signing an NDA. The NDA worked, essentially, until 2017. So she signed it in 2009? 2009, she signed it. Quite soon after she reported it. Yeah, so after the incident, the next day or very shortly after, she reported it. I get this with American police that like, you can just sort of like do a deal and then the police are like, cool. Yeah. We'll leave it then. Yeah. Surely that's a separate thing. Yeah. Anyway, the whole story did stay out of the press until 2017 when football leaks, remember it's sort of wiki leaks of football, got hold of some documents and emails where Ronaldo essentially admitted what happened.

59:32Max Fosh:He said that she'd said no and stopped several times. his lawyers came out and said that these documents had been fabricated um but las vegas police decided to reopen the investigation and for katherine's part she also i think partly inspired by the me too movement around that time uh managed to get the nda overturned and uh the case goes to in in las vegas eventually it's thrown out by the judge though because uh sort of a technicality because Catherine's lawyers were using the documents that had been obtained through football leaks, which supposedly were being used in bad faith. They'd essentially been taken.

1:00:14They were hacked.

1:00:16Max Fosh:They were hacked, yeah, which meant that they could not use that as evidence. So obviously that's far from conclusive in proving Ronaldo's innocence, despite the case being thrown out. It's basically the judge decided that the extremely incriminating piece of evidence could not be used because it had been obtained in this way. Obviously, Rinaldo's lawyers say that the documents are fabricated as a messy case. This is interesting. So I actually thought that he had a criminal. I thought he was actually like charged and convicted and therefore he's not allowed back in the States. But I guess that the court case was thrown out.

1:00:53So therefore he doesn't. He's never been convicted. He's never been convicted. Because there was always that talk that like he's not going to go to the World Cup in the US. But then obviously he's mates with Trump now. That big DT got involved. Yeah. There was a bit of a sense that like it was a sort of unofficial pardon. Maybe that's not true. You know what I mean? As long as Donald Trump's in the White House, I think he's pretty. Yeah, it's kind of like, you know, the owner of the club coming out and saying to the bouncer, don't worry, he's with me. Get him in. Get him in. Give him an Esther.

1:01:21Yeah, give him an Esther. Because he's going to be at the World Cup, it definitely feels like. Whereas that didn't seem obvious. If not playing, but definitely within a capacity of just Ronaldo's here. Saudi involvement as well in all that, isn't there? Because Bin Salman was at the meeting with Trump as well. I don't understand. Yeah. But obviously that whole thing casts a big shadow.

1:01:42Max Fosh:Over his career, really. Yeah. Yeah. It was a long-running court case. And yeah, it does cast a shadow over his career. Yeah. You can't talk about him without mentioning it. And it's under this cloud, really, that in the summer of 2018, he leaves Real Madrid and goes to Juventus. Bit of a shock, but I guess... It was a bit of a shock. especially so he went he went for like 100 million yeah 100 million euros so similar to what Real paid for him which is a good result he was 33 I think yeah so that's they've done oh actually yeah he was 33 I think that's basically why Real Madrid were like fuck it yeah that's we've done well out of him and I guess things were moving on there as well to be fair Juventus got a lot out of him so he scored 81 goals in 98 games back-to-back league titles that was the period when Juventus won like nine in a row yeah I mean I'm not saying obviously they're great numbers doesn't count yeah he was also playing the usual hits so on his champions league debut he pulled someone's hair and got sent off at which point he burst into tears nice and then he as an apology to his teammates he bought them all imax so weird yeah i always find it i saw recently um patrick mahomes uh bought his defensive linemen like the seven of them or eight of them all of like like the most random gifts like an electric bike um like a trip to the seychelles and like there was this very visual piece where they all kind of walked into a room and they were all lined up with their toys.

1:03:05These guys are on$100 million contracts. They don't... You know this is just going to go to their nephew and be like, I got you a gift. So buying his teammates an iMac is such weird behaviour. It's quite domestic though. An iMac as well. An iMac, not a laptop. So it's like for your office room. Yeah, it's not far off paying for all of their tax returns. Yeah, yeah. It's very... Yeah. I've pre-installed Microsoft Excel. Exactly. Got Adobe Cloud subscription. It's just so domestic. I can sort of picture him coming around and like showing them how to use it and stuff. The home pages, the wallpapers have been installed of him winning.

1:03:42List of his titles. Yeah. Yeah. It's a nice touch.

1:03:44Max Fosh:Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure. We're done well. After two years in Turin, Ronaldo heads back to Old Trafford, the romantic move. He's playing under Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, his old teammate. And obviously United fans are over the moon, even though he's 35 by this point. And lots of people are saying that maybe he's in decline, but they're still so excited. There's record shirt sales for the first 24 hours after he signs. And this mural appears in Manchester. Look at a picture of it now. It's Cristiano Ronaldo, absolutely caked in makeup. Yeah. He's got one of those Instagram filters on him. He looks like we've got a picture of Pat Butcher beside him.

1:04:30Max Fosh:They do look alike. Stick a big earring on him and he's Pat Butcher. He looks like he's on Geordie Shore. Yeah. He's got a lot of makeup on in that picture. I mean, he is very well pruned and well manicured. But that is taking it to the next step, I think. On the pitch, though, he delivers. He scores a lot of goals. Does he? I forget that. I actually kind of forget his second trip to Manchester United. Like was he scoring Like Is he starting in the team Yeah and he had One season where he scored 26 goals Oh my god Which is like Amazing for anyone For anyone You can't argue With his goal returns At any time That's remarkable Considering he was 35 And like his second trip I thought it was kind of Like an Henri Back to Arsenal Situation where he scores Like one great goal And everyone's like Oh the glory days are back Isn't this nice But like I didn't know that he'd scored A serious amount of goals Yeah But it's always this thing of like he doesn't track back and he's sort of they can't live with him and they can't live without him thing where like he's bad for the team is this is what yeah this is because he's scoring a lot of goals but Man United's form tanks or tanks even more than it has been tanking for the last 10 years and everyone's saying that he's although he's getting the goals he's sort of unbalanced the team he's not pressing I kind of wonder if that's true though yeah I mean it it ends with a really bad run of form that sees Ole Gunnar Solskjaer lose his job in November and in comes Ralf Ranić interim manager obviously that was an absolute shit show as well goes from bad to worse and doesn't Ronaldo like to say I'd never heard of him which is from Ronaldo that's a dig yeah he has his own Nadir in the season do you remember this game they lost to Everton and afterwards the United players are coming off and the fans are sort of taunting them and this kid has a phone and Ronaldo just smashes it out of his hand it's brilliant 14 year old kid electronic destruction destruction of electronics I mean not an iMac I do like I think all great players need to have a run in with a teenage boy and don't take that out of the context being like Eden Hazard kicking the Swansea ball boy yeah who is one of my favorite facts that he is now one of the owners of AU vodka and it's a multi multi millionaire but yeah it's nice to know that they still you know he's it doesn't matter who you are he is going to slap he's going to smack that thing out your hand He's got like a police caution.

1:06:52Max Fosh:He gets a police caution for it and a ban, I think. Yeah. But amid all of this chaos and drama on and off the pitch, Ronaldo, like we said, he still ends the season with 24 goals. That's remarkable. Oh, he's 37, sorry, at this point, not 35. United's finished sixth, but Raniak obviously leaves at the end of the season and Eric Ten Hag comes in and Ronaldo's relationship with him is bad from the offset. Ronaldo doesn't fit his system. Eric Ten Hag's very much about pressing, hard work, real sort of team ethic, whereas Ronaldo, he is 37 to this point. He's never been one for tracking back. So Ten Hag just decides, you know, you don't fit the system.

1:07:38Max Fosh:I'm not going to play you. That does not go down well with Ronaldo. It all culminates with Ronaldo being banned from the first team. heard a story that apparently he was banned from the dressing room or anything and Ten Hag wouldn't even allow him to collect his flip-flops from the locker so he had to go he had to send a youth team player in to get them so pathetic it's real like your ex has come back and you're not allowed to collect your stuff throw it out the window yeah final straw came when United played against Tottenham Ronaldo was on the bench and he didn't get subbed on and stormed out of the stadium before full time which is a bad look really isn't it then it's the World Cup so there's like a break in the season and then that's when he goes on he goes on Piers Morgan's podcast the right wingification of Cristiano Ronaldo Piers is obviously just sucking out to him so much Piers loves him, they've done numerous interviews, there was one pretty recently and it's there is absolutely no journalistic integrity behind the interview whatsoever there's no kind of pushing back on anything that Ronaldo says or questioning.

1:08:49He's like, yeah, that was great. Yeah, it wasn't that great. God, you're so good. At one point in the recent one, Piers goes to him, what brands do you enjoy working with? Fuck off. I think Ronaldo's going to be the ones that pay me the most money. Yeah, look, he's really in integrity. He's got that, man. It's so painful.

1:09:08Max Fosh:That Malaysian betting company. It's just so, I get so much back. Well, in the original one. Anyway, the original ones, a lot of it is about his relationship with Ten Hag who he says betrayed him he also just settles a few other scores turns up Wayne Rooney for some reason he says I'm better looking than him which is just that seems like a low blow as well it's a needless dig it's a bit like getting your titles out for Antonio Cassano it's just like look mate we know you don't need to prove it he's about the same age as I think Rooney's a little bit younger isn't he like six months younger or something he's also got a list in his pocket of all the players he's better looking almost certainly it's every player in the world yeah yeah it's he's a petty man but then obviously all the talk turns to where next and everyone's saying he wants Champions League football maybe Atletico Madrid the fans turn on him saying we're not having him there maybe Turkey but in the end he goes to Saudi Arabia yeah kind of one of the first major major players to do so yeah because up until this point it had been kind of people like you know the likes of Daniel Sturridge you know good player but not a proper household name and yeah signing and this i mean this one's huge obviously particularly because the world cups in the middle east it suddenly feels like wow like the center of gravity is moving 200 million a year deal which makes him the highest paid footballer ever uh so off he goes after the world cup i wouldn't say his unveiling goes particularly well so he sits down and says i'm very happy to be here in south africa and then his new manager his new manager Rudy Garcia starts with a joke he goes Cristiano I wanted to sign Messi before him which not the guy to do that joke to that is not the person to do that joke to and actually within two months Rudy has been sacked after rumours of a falling out with Ronaldo the writing was on the wall this is the era where he's just getting managers sacked all the time isn't he he's just bigger than the club yeah he is basically just like a Roman emperor just goes up or down.

1:11:09Yeah. Doesn't actually, I mean, it sort of goes well and it doesn't. So firstly, he scores a lot of goals in Saudi. He's always near top scorer. Scored a lot this season even. But when he joined Al Nassau atop of the table, they finished that first season trophy-less and actually, they still haven't won anything since he joined except the Arab Club Champions Cup, which is quite hard to sort of give an analogy of, but it's sort of conference league-y. I mean, it's regional. Oh, right. It'd be like winning a British cup. It's not even, is it the Europa Conference League? Yeah, I think so.

1:11:42Max Fosh:Because they have the Middle Eastern teams playing the Asian Champions League with like Japanese, Korean, whatever teams. The Arab one is like... It's just the Gulf States, is it? Yeah, but I guess you've got a bit of North Africa in there. They are actually quite good. Because I was going to say Saudi would just dominate otherwise. It's a bit like being in a British league. It's a bullshit trophy in my opinion. And that's his only title there. So yeah, he can't do it on a dusty night in Jeddah. He can't. And actually he gets a lot of shit from fans there. The gag in Saudi is to chant Messi's name.

1:12:14It's a good bit. Simple, easy. And Ronaldo actually, it gets to him. He quite often responds with an obscene gesture. So at one time he grabs his balls. Another time he does the wanker thing. Nice. There was quite a good moment after the ball grabbing because that obscene gestures are obviously illegal in Saudi Arabia. Yeah. And apparently on Saudi TV, they had like a football pundit and a, and a, like an expert in Islamic law going like frame by frame on it. And then also like comparing it to sort of like Quranic teaching and being, and sort of analyzing it. Like it's a soft penalty. You can't judge.

1:12:45Do you know what I mean? Get VAR on it. VAR. VAR. He is banging them in, as I said. And I guess that means we're stuck with him till he gets a thousand goals at least. Yeah. He's on how many goals at the moment? Sorry. 9-5-9 at the time of recording 41 goals and he's got a world cup where he'll score 3 3-6 you might get a group because there's extra rounds and softer opponents that's true you could get a hat trick I think we might see like an 8-9 goal tournament from someone might probably won't be him what like the City Exeter like City Exeter City Manchester City Exeter yeah exactly

1:13:23Max Fosh:you might get a result like that who's in Portugal's group are they with like Curaçao or someone it's always Curaçao wasn't it when you think of the minnows Uzbekistan and TBD in Colombia so yeah Uzbekistan I don't know who knows do you give him any hope of winning the World Cup no absolutely not and I really hope that he doesn't because well first things it means England won't but also I just don't think I think he's had enough things that have confirmed that he is a great and I think it's important that he doesn't win it all because if he does he will be insufferable yeah true yeah kind of like it as a story even though he's a one i'd like him to get to the final and lose oh yeah that would be yeah but that's because we just put like british i just need to see him knocked down portugal they actually have a really good time really good i would say they're yeah with the favorites but um yeah i guess anyone else would end this by having the goat debate about whether he or messi is is the greatest uh i think a better question is is he a wrongan or a wanker and i'm gonna ask you to leave aside the bad thing because obviously that comfortably pushes him over the threshold do you see what i mean yeah i see what you mean and then i would call him a wanker but then i think he has weirdly he's deserved to be a wanker i don't i think it would be quite weird if he was remarkably humble yeah and very sincere about his achievements but also looking outwardly like Messi we don't really know what his reaction is like because he just doesn't speak or just refuses like doesn't want to get involved in any conversation um so I'm sure he's also the same but I do think Ronaldo's more of a wanker than he is a wrong one yeah he's um leaving out the obvious to your point about him being justifiably a wanker the journalist Tom Peck has this principle called the wanker gap he explained it he said so many times I've used Ronaldo to explain the wanker gap the gap between how great you think you are and how great you really are that's how much of a wanker you are yeah Ronaldo thinks he's god but he is god so not a wanker but now as his gifts wane the wanker back the wanker gap widens yeah that is true that's good as yeah he's still pretty good though he's kind of like a like a cheese pool that you get he's just getting straight but it's true because he sort of became like when he came back to Man United I was like I kind of prefer him to Messi as a player for various reasons but then after that went wrong and then he goes to Saudi you're like you're just a twat who's smashing in goals against like not very good I think the thing is in football that everyone has such short memories that yeah you're only as good as your last season really and if you've still got the same like pretty big-headed arrogant uh character and you're not quite up to the standard that you were then I mean the wanking out principle nails it really he becomes more insufferable the less good he is if and if he wins the world cup that that gap then gets smaller yeah yeah and then he's wrong and maybe i don't know making this up as i go along yeah um all right well that i mean that's this ronaldo story so far story of cristiano ronaldo and i think actually him going to saudi is is really put a tarnish on his name mainly because it's but that's his own ego of wanting to still keep playing it's obviously the only place that he would be able to keep playing at the highest the highest level in like turkey or it's but it's not glamorous enough i don't think for him i recommend in saudi he probably feels like he has a level of probably no probably does have a level of um you know political sway yeah yeah that he just wouldn't have in turkey he's actually in that respect he's judged it quite well i do there's something fucking childish about your goal being a thousand goals i do i do kind of weirdly he he's the kind of guy to go back onto his wikipedia and i think if he kept on seeing with like a nine in front of it he was just like it could have been a thousand yeah i could have just kept going it would be very funny if you just kept he just couldn't keep going yeah stuck on 999 keeps yeah so he is clearly so obsessed with the messi ronaldo goat debate he just wants to be he wants to be the goat i like that it's funny because it's a little bit like the like you have the objective conversation but mainly that that conversation is more subjective you have a little bit with tennis that i think federer is considered the goat even though jokovic for years and years and years to be trying i'm to win more titles.

1:17:39I have won my title, therefore I am the best. But it's kind of more of a vibe. And that's, I think, just basically who do people like more. Yeah. So I think that Messi will probably always win the debate. Yeah. Unless he does something horrific. Still time. Still time.

1:17:54Max Fosh:Still time. Watch this space for the Leo Messi episode. Yeah, we will do an ep. There are some quite funny stories, but yeah, I thought Ronaldo had more material. Max, thanks so much. Thank you very much. So if you are somehow not wearing Max's YouTube channel, youtube.com forward slash Max Vosch. There you go. I'll put a link in the show notes anything else you want to plug? no not at all other than shout out to Gemma and Thais I hope they're doing well I'm sure they are yeah they've been invested that 2 ,900 pounds yeah a lot of Tesco underwear that way want to check it out sorry that sounded to you I meant Tesco's range of underwear fuck's sake lovely Knicks alright Max thanks a lot thanks guys come on again please thanks Zach thank you thank you

1:18:55Thank you.

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