Ivan Toney’s nightclub headbutt | The funniest stories in sport this week

11 Dec 2025 · 49 min · 17 chapters

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In short

The episode of Extra Shot covers several “funniest stories in sport this week,” mixing scandals, fan culture, and bizarre off-field incidents. Topic highlights: Ivan Toney’s nightclub headbutt in Soho after a fan tried to take a selfie and allegedly grab his expensive necklace; England’s Ashes tour off-field mishap where Brydon Carse and teammates had cash blow away at a riverside cafe and locals returned it; Luke Littler getting Man United tickets via Adidas, sparking backlash over touts and ticket access rules; Nicky Butt (with Paul Scholes and Paddy McGuinness) revealing Man United revoked his season ticket after missing three matches; the World Cup draw spectacle ending with “YMCA,” plus debate over whether it’s a gay song; and Lando Norris winning the F1 title, with tame celebrations and a Monster drink wince.

Guests

JP, Zach, and Jack (hosts). No separate guest interviewees are featured.

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

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Ivan Toney's Nightclub Incident

2:00 to 3:26

Discuss Ivan Toney's nightclub headbutt incident and its context.

“Actually, before we begin, I would like to invite members of the video producing community to apply for a role at The Upshot.”

Reactions to Toney's Actions

3:26 to 4:59

Explore the reactions and implications of Toney's headbutt.

“I think apparently I read that it was his ring finger or something.”

England Cricketers' Struggles

4:59 to 6:15

Talk about the struggles of the England cricket team during the Ashes.

“I think they spent too much time watching Tommy Robinson TikToks and think that as soon as you step out of your door in London, you're accosted by some zombie knife-wielding heroin trafficker.”

Luke Littler's Ticket Controversy

6:15 to 8:04

Discuss the ticket controversy surrounding Luke Littler and Manchester United.

Nicky Butt's Podcast Insights

8:04 to 10:00

Share insights from Nicky Butt's podcast on fig anatomy and ticket issues.

“Actually, speaking of getting taunted all the time, the England cricketers are having a rough old time down under.”

Nicky Butt's Ticket Troubles

14:00 to 18:04

Discussion about Nicky Butt's issues with season tickets at Manchester United.

“Never heard the Spice Girls' biggest hit.”

World Cup Draw Reactions

18:04 to 19:19

Hosts share their thoughts on the recent World Cup draw and its presentation.

“Some United fans have called for a special Legends box to be implemented at Man United so that they can all turn up for every game and watch it together.”

Controversy Around YMCA

19:19 to 22:59

Discussion on the use of the song YMCA in political rallies and its implications.

“I've ever watched because I I sort of I was looking forward to it like rushed high I missed the first hour of it and thought like I'll go home at six and I'll catch it.”

Pride Match in Seattle

22:59 to 28:00

Exploration of the humorous and ironic scheduling of a World Cup match during Pride weekend.

“that falsely refers to YMCA as somehow a gay anthem.”

Celebrating Pride in Seattle

28:00 to 31:12

Discussion about Iranian fans celebrating Pride and personal experiences in Iran.

“it's still happening on Pride weekend in Seattle.”
Show all 17 chapters

Formula 1 News and Lando Norris

32:25 to 32:48

Discussion on Lando Norris's win in F1 and celebrations that followed.

“It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks.”

Lando Norris’s After Party

32:48 to 34:15

Details about Lando Norris's post-race celebrations and comparison to past F1 drivers.

Tim Flock's Monkey Co-Driver

34:15 to 38:24

Story about NASCAR driver Tim Flock and his monkey co-driver Jocko Flocko.

“He's sort of like the Austin Wenger taking away the Mars bars guy.”

Psychedelic Experiences and Celebrities

38:24 to 42:00

Discussion about Connor McGregor's psychedelic retreat and the implications.

“So he's a family of racing driver siblings.”

Psychedelic Experiences and Colin McGregor

42:00 to 47:12

A discussion about Colin McGregor's recent psychedelic experience and its implications.

“Why would you make that really intense scene so much more intense?”

Upcoming Patreon Content and Live Show Announcement

47:12 to 49:01

Hosts discuss upcoming content for Patreon, including a live show and special episodes.

“Yeah, we're thinking nativity of actually cast you as the donkey.”

Upcoming Patreon Content and Live Show Announcement

49:41 to 50:04

Hosts discuss upcoming content for Patreon, including a live show and special episodes.

“Luxuriously soft, perfectly warm, thoughtfully made.”
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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

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1:37On the show today, Ivan Toney is scrapping in nightclubs. England's ashes flops are chucking cash at Aussie children. And why 70s hit YMCA is not a gay song. Hello, JP. Hello, Zach. Buongiorno. Hello, Jack. How you doing? Good, mate. Good. You? Yeah, good. Actually, before we begin, I would like to invite members of the video producing community to apply for a role at The Upshot. We're hiring. Whoa. And we're hiring a video producer. So if you want to come and work on the pod, if you want to come and make banger reels for TikTok and Insta on the podcast that was featured on the BBC last week, we won an award not that long ago.

2:20Boom. Not that we care about those. Shit about awards. Yeah, come and work with us on the pod. I'll put a link to the job ad in the show notes with all the details there. But yeah, we're looking to hire ASAP. So, you know, this is a job for somebody who's pretty early in their career, but who is very good at what they do and very passionate at what we do. Good vibes as well. It's a nice... We have a good time at the office. Do we? We're already in one day a week. Yeah, I know. Maybe if you got in earlier. So yeah, I'll put details in the show notes. Thanks a lot for that. Speaking of good office vibes, it's Christmas party season obviously which you know back in the noughties this would be feeding time at the zoo for scummy hacks like us hovering outside the footballers Christmas parties but sadly the days of dwarf tossing and strippers are long gone although Al Halal and England striker Ivan Toni did inject a bit of scandal to the Yuletide season last weekend so he was back in London for a little festive soiree with some of his mates and they ended up at 100 Wardle Street which is this swanky nightclub in Soho I've never been it's like a modern day China White is it yeah you frequented it's not far from my office yeah you're running running a list there on Tuesday if you want guest list I'll sort you out yeah lovely stuff you me and Ivan I don't know if I would want to run into to the big man in there though because last I think it was Friday night early hours 2 a.m um a fan spotted him in there and put his arm around Ivan's shoulder to take a selfie which you know you think that's a probably fairly uh daily occurrence for someone like him but ivan's first thought was that the bloke was trying to nab this expensive necklace that he was wearing big bit of bling yeah and he reacted by shoving the guy off and headbutting him in the face broke his nose so the guy ended up being carted off in an ambulance blood streaming from his face had a broken finger apparently as well so it's quite quite nasty why because I don't know.

4:25I think apparently I read that it was his ring finger or something. Oh, unless he's tried. Maybe the finger was under the necklace. Anyway, police arrived about 20 minutes later. And there's a video of them leading Tony out of the club in cuffs. And my first thought on this is this is so guy that has moved to Saudi and now thinks that London is some crime riddled cesspit. He's in his safe sanctuary in Saudi. Yeah, you know, it's such a thing. Like, these people who moved to Dubai or somewhere like that and are just obsessed. I think they spent too much time watching Tommy Robinson TikToks and think that as soon as you step out of your door in London, you're accosted by some zombie knife-wielding heroin trafficker.

5:08Yeah, phone snatcher. Was he reckoned he thought the guy was trying to rob him? Yeah, I mean, his mind instantly went to that. It's like, yeah, he's just watching all these phone-snatching TikToks and someone puts his arm around him to get a selfie. someone's like sorry mate you have the top go away from me pepper sprays out i guess if you're with your your mates like your christmas do and he's come home and there's people like going mentally i'm trying to take photographs and selfies you do you could get annoyed it must be annoying it is annoying yeah i do get i think the headbutt is a bit ott yeah i prefer that explanation terrified that london has fallen bruv yeah but you do see a lot of footballers saying that right George O'Shelvi did that big interview being like I wouldn't raise my kids in London yeah I don't know they always annoy me those videos I think he's been watching the ones that are literally like you know when they're like London in 2100 and it's like a guy comes down Oxford Street on a camel and like gets off and just squats and shits in the middle of the street like the AI ones obviously

6:16yeah I don't they annoy me so much those videos because he's honestly fine there was a bit of a phone-stacking epidemic but as long as you're not walking around with a fucking 200 grand Rolex on your wrist which he probably was which is probably what made him prang out so is Ivan Tony a bit of a hot head? he's had a few quite weird video moments over his career, do you remember when there was that video of him on holiday in Dubai and they got him while he was at Brentford he started going fuck Brentford and everyone was like what am I doing this and then there was also he once got stopped there's a bit of a theme forming here with the like Dubai thing he got stopped but you know those guys who pull people over and they're like hey you got a really nice car like what do you do for a living have you seen that one yeah like the insta real thing yeah and then they were like what crypto are you buying he was like all the big ones and at some point they were like who do you play for because he said he was a footballer and he was like no one good I was like why do you keep slagging Brentford off yeah why do you keep popping up yeah so what's hang on is he in trouble is he getting done for assault?

7:21I don't actually know what's he was led away in cuff so I assume I guess his position will be self defence yeah it doesn't sound like headbutt's not really a self defence move the guy's just like a Brentford fan he won't be able to smell his Christmas dinner now there was another explanation doing the rounds on Twitter of someone who says that their I think it was their mate was the one that got headbutted and someone asks him on Twitter like how come it all kicked off and he replied ask him for betting tips for the weekend I mean it is which might be a joke I mean that might be a joke that he actually said to him to like try and calm him down or something like that that's not going to calm him down that's not going to calm old Ivan Tony down because it is quite easy to see how people were being fucking annoying yeah you know what I mean it must be annoying being asked for selfies all the time well you wait lads wait till after the live shows and also just getting like taunted all the time yeah especially if you're like with your mates at your Christmas do yeah you know there is a certain There's a certain amount of privacy that people should respect, but you shouldn't get headbutted for it.

8:22Actually, speaking of getting taunted all the time, the England cricketers are having a rough old time down under. They got spanked once again. Not been very good, has it? There is a good story during the rounds about them, though, away from the pitch, about Brydon Kars, the England bowler, who he's on the Ashes tour. He's not playing very well, particularly. And off the pitch, he had a very embarrassing incident. So this comes from Cameron Ponsonby, who writes for Cricket et al. He said that following England's first defeat in Perth, Cass, along with Harry Brook and Zach Crawley, went for brunch at a Riverside cafe.

8:57For whatever reason, Cass had thousands of dollars of cash in his pocket that fell out and blew across the local area. A scene from a cartoon, it took a community effort of mums, children and flat white drinkers to gather the notes and return them to the table of wealthy cricketers. I mean, first things first, if someone did that, I definitely wouldn't be running back to give them the cash back. I mean, I've gone, mate. I think Ivan Tony would see that and be like, see, this is why I don't live in London. If that happened in London, they'd be gone. He's probably right. Why is he walking around with thousands of dollars in cash?

9:30Two possible explanations, I think. One is that he's like about to spend a lot of money on something. Been to a casino, maybe? Yeah, like something a bit seedy. Yeah. which like I don't know looking at him I can kind of see that I'm sure he's quite like tats I like that he's quite like boohoo man dress like necklace out a few tats I can sort of see it for him alternatively he's an absolute like tourist who's taken his mum's advice don't use those cash machines abroad they'll swallow your card they don't do ATMs in Australia he's taken all his traveller's checks to the post office he's got all his money for the whole trip in a bum bag that never leaves his He sleeps in.

10:11He's definitely, he's printed off his boarding pass and he keeps in a little plastic wallet. A little plastic wallet. Yeah, with the itinerary. Never leaves anywhere without a photocopy of his passport. His mum sewed his name into his pants. She leaves his wine stay in a room without a safe.

10:31Yeah. I actually think it is probably that. Yeah. Yeah. That strand of explanation. Because I don't think they... Don't get done by the exchange rates of the airport. Get it out here Yeah I can kind of see it But yeah It sounds like the friendliest exchange Any of the England players have had The whole time they've been there Like everyone was very helpful Really? Well it sounds like he did it In a real sort of Yummy mummy cafe Yeah And he got his dollars back Oh my dollars They've been getting harassed Everywhere they go They've obviously been They've been having a lovely time It sounds like I mean they've had a lot of time off Well yeah Because obviously they lost The first two games And everyone was like You haven't played any practices Like do you think you Should have done more And the coach goes If anything I think we overprepared.

11:11And now they fucked off. Having lost two games, I'd say three or four players are fighting for their careers. And so, you know, naturally the next move is to go bodyboarding on the Queensland coast, which is where they are at the moment. Sometimes you need some time to switch off. But they're getting harassed there as well. I do feel a bit bad for them. So yeah, like they were on the beach and these guys came over with signs saying stuff like Baz Ballers, Anonymous, Free Counseling. Fucking hell. So I'll tell you who else is getting some shit. Luke Littler. So he wrangled himself a ticket for the game against Wolves on Monday night.

11:44He put a message out on his Instagram asking if anyone had any spares. But it turns out sportswear giant Adidas pulled through for some tickets for him and his mates. So he got one. He did get one. Are people giving him shit because he's managed to get... It was an away game as well. It was an away game and there was a lot of demand for the tickets. And it was his first away game, I should say. We've got a photo of him up here, him and the Green Street Elite having their away day. Apparently one of the blokes next to him is Man United's head of fan engagement. That's right. And I think it's all sort of spiralled and kicked off.

12:19So United fans are not happy about the way he's gone about to get the tickets because there is such huge demand at the moment for the tickets. You have to have a season ticket for three years before you can enter the ballot. Right. And the club are currently having a major crackdown on where the tickets are going and are concerned about a significant infiltration of touts. And they'll come on to this, going on to sell these at a vast profit to certain sections of the fans. So the supporters are dubious about the club's intentions and obviously they feel like normal fans are being squeezed out.

12:53You know, Luke Littler is a bit of a man of the people, but he's still a high profile celeb. He is a big United fan, to be fair. It's not like they're dishing them out to Ariana Grande. He did put in his post, will pay overpaid value. essentially tout we'll pay dynamic we'll pay celebrate and he was actually going under the radar all game until James Madison picked him out at half time so I'm sure he's like fuming at James Madison now all of this could be a coincidence or bad timing but one man who definitely was not at the game was Man United legend Nicky Butt so Nicky's currently doing a podcast with Paul Scholes and Paddy McGuinness I won't give you the name of the podcast because the only podcast you should listen to is the upshot.

13:36But there are some interesting revelations in there. So topics that I've been listening to are ranging from what is in figs. Figs? Figs. They did 10 minutes on that. The fruit, the fruit, isn't it? It's wasps. Jesus. That's how figs are. Fountain of knowledge. Figs are like wasps go in them to die. And then that's how a fig is made. Really? Is that why they're that bit like sort of bitty? Yeah. Yeah. A fig wasp they call it. Wow. Never heard the Spice Girls' biggest hit. It does now our figs are made. Make it that what you will. Nicky Butt went into a five-minute monologue about what happens when Wales die, which was proper blockbuster stuff.

14:18But I should say there is some football in there too. So it turns out even Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes are feeling the effects of Sir Jim's new policies. So both of them are having trouble getting older tickets at the moment. Paul has admitted that he is currently using a towel to get extra tickets to games for his mates I mean fair enough Paul Scholes they were saying back in the day he used to get tickets for his mates yeah I can understand obviously I imagine that Paul Scholes can get a seat in the VIP box or whatever but you can't bring all your mates yeah I guess I don't know they used to just have a speed dial somewhere at the club where they could get like 20-30 tickets but obviously Sir Jim is cracking down on it why because he could make 1500 coin yeah and I guess there's certain peripheries of the new system that don't like the old old guard but Nicky is the one that is really feeling it so he has had his season ticket taken off him for not attending three matches in a row so I've had a bit of a dig into this Man United have a new policy with season ticket holders if you don't attend three matches in a row you get your season ticket revoked instantly instantly you get a refund well so they emailed Nicky out the blue saying hi Nicky your season ticket has been revoked if you have any problems please ring this number so Nicky's rang up and gone excuse me I'm Nicky Butt like you can't take my season ticket away and the operator was like excuse me can you just say who you are again he went Nicky Butt and he was like well who's that never heard of him and so it feels a little bit like the class of 92 are getting the same treatment as the dinner lady or that you know fella from fella from the museum the club historian yeah and his name again Clive something yeah I can't remember yeah but they are yeah they're essentially getting no extra tickets and you know fair enough they've got to pay for the tickets but there's just no way for them easy to get I sort of think if you're Nicky but you should be able to ring up and go I want to go to this game yeah three tickets yeah maybe two yeah there are some threads on Reddit that are saying that it basically means that United can then make the ticket available by revoking the season ticket it and then resell it again.

16:30That's definitely, I mean, I guess it's also just like, we're going to have a policy that means that only real fans can come. Yeah. There shouldn't be exceptions. Yeah. Yeah. The funny bit is that they had no idea who Nicky, but he must've played like 300 games for United. 450 games for the club. That's like, he must be top, top 20 appearance. And yet, you kind of get it because he's not one of the glamour names. No, partly because his name is Butt. He's not. He's not at all. But also, it's like he did quite a lot of just like, sub Roy Keane midfield tidying up. But still, he's a club legend. He actually said that he mainly watches Crystal Palace now, which probably isn't going to go down well with United fans there.

17:09But surely Gary Neville can just go, right? Oh, Gary Neville's Royal E &E. Yeah. So, is Nicky's season ticket in the Stratford end? I presume it's in a nice bit. I don't think they're putting him in with all the ruffians. Yeah. You know? Maybe he likes that. Yeah. Because like, if he's not showing up to sit in those seats then I kind of I kind of think like they are hard to come by those tickets we don't want to have such empty seats yeah exactly just like just have a policy that former players if you've played 450 times for them I think it does you just call up Nicky if you want to come to a game Bellas it'll sort you out a ticket but don't take one of the season tickets from your team gym if you're not going to show up to match it's going to be an empty seat there that's the way it is and the dinner ladies can just have a sandwich I think Nicky Bart should be able to go to matches if he wants to.

17:58No, I do agree. I don't think he should be taking a ticket from hard-blocking fans. I just want to see Nicky Bart and Gary Neville get the same treatment. Yeah. Some United fans have called for a special Legends box to be implemented at Man United so that they can all turn up for every game and watch it together. It's basically the Sky Sports studio. I think given the work that Sir Jim has done today, he's probably not signing that off. yeah yeah yeah I used to ask Luke Littler to sort him out yeah that must have been grating for Nicky to see Luke Littler it's kind of a bit of a like time comes for us all thing doesn't it it's like no matter how big a legend no matter the treble and the titles in the end one day the person in the box office will have no fucking clue who you are I did read that the brand guy they had from Adidas is picking out like certain celebrities to make it you know sort of in line with United's new brand you know and they think that Luke is a good example of like a younger fan supporting Man United yeah strategy yeah yeah I mean it's we're talking about the match now right yeah so um other big story for this week of course did you watch the World Cup draw it was amazing it was incredible wasn't it it was just gripping gripping from start to finish uh no I honestly think it's one of the most painful things I've ever watched because I I sort of I was looking forward to it like rushed high I missed the first hour of it and thought like I'll go home at six and I'll catch it.

19:27And it was still like another 40 minutes of what? Just excruciating banter from Rio Ferdinand. Infantino as well. He walked out with like arms wide as if he was like a comedian hosting the Golden Globes or something. And there was one point where he led the crowd in charts of USA. Did they do it? I mean, it was all these like stuffy FIFA blazers. Do you remember when he tried to get them to do FIFA, FIFA, FIFA, Qatar, Qatar, Qatar? and he started it and no one joined in. It's painful. Honestly, it was painful to watch. Rio Ferdinand especially. Did you see the bit with Ike Casillas? I didn't get this.

20:06He's done the rounds a lot, but it's a good clip. Hey, Rio, do you ever get the score on him? Pardon? What type of question is that, Danny? I'm a defender. Oh, I know. But you come up for headers all the time. Yeah, but listen. See what I'm saying? Guys, professional. What are you trying to do right here? Is he trying to say, is it literally just saying that he doesn't come up for headers? I think it's meant to be a gag of like, Americans don't get football. And you've asked me a really like dumb question. I think it's a gag. I thought you meant score as in like score women maybe. I don't know.

20:39No, I think you meant did you ever score past Casillas? Yeah. Oh my God. Score on here. Yeah. But I don't understand exactly what was going on there. Whether it was scripted and shit. Improv and shit. or rio was like actually i said i was whatever it was it was terrible excruciating um and that's before you even get to the the peace prize which obviously donald trump won i saw one um cnn commentator compare it to giving a child a toy phone which is really yeah it is they've just literally just made this up to keep him happy yeah but i mean with with with that with with the peace prize the the chanting usa the i mean it ended with ymca which is a trump anthem anyway the whole bizarre spectacle ended with the village people performing ymca um which is one of trump's favorite songs he blasts out all of his rallies which you know it seems strange really that the ultra conservative president of the united states would co-opt a gay disco anthem as his unofficial theme tune but that is until you remember that YMCA is not a gay song right it's not all right right whatever anyone says it is not and that is according to his co-writer Victor Willis uh who insists that the song is entirely heterosexual um so so Victor he's a an avid Trump supporter uh you'll probably better know him though as the leather-clad cop from the The guy covered in baby oil.

22:21The one who's oiled up. Not the construction worker that's oiled up. Wasn't the album it was on called Cruisin'. Really? What was it? Cruisin' in a car. Just a bunch of guys just cruisin'. Nothing gay about that. I prefer their second album, Cottaging.

22:41Anyway, Victor gladly allowed Trump to use his song at his rallies. and in fact he's become so sick of people referring to the hit as a gay anthem that he issued this statement on Facebook last year. Come January 2025, my wife will start suing each and every news organisation that falsely refers to YMCA as somehow a gay anthem. Somehow. You can hang out with all the boys is simply 1970s black slang for black guys hanging out together for sports gambling or whatever. There's nothing gay about that. Or anal sex. wow yeah and in case you you still have any doubts about that we're looking now at a picture of Victor and the gang in their 70s comp so which one's Victor Victor is the police officer the twinkie one on the left far left it's quite muscly maybe he's a twunk we've got the construction worker with a ripped shirt which could be George Michael I've noticed cowboy open shirt six pack quite oiled up as well at the rally they still have the same characters but they're just slightly dressed more heterosexual.

23:47Oh, really? So like the builder's like a proper builder now. The policeman's like in an NYPD uniform, you know. An ice uniform. I'm like, it's still gay, lads. It's still really gay. What's the cowboy? The cowboy's the same, but just a bit more buttoned up. Yeah, like Yellowstone vibes. The one to the right of the cowboy is what? It's an SS uniform, isn't it? I don't really know. I think that is... Pilot. I think he is, yeah. I think he's joined the Mile High Club. And then Soldier. Full Leather, Soldier, and then Native American. Yeah. Which I noticed they still have the Native American and they were doing it at the FIFA.

24:25Yeah. I'd probably say the gayest one for me is the builder. Yeah. He's just in the clearest focus. I don't know. The Twinkie policeman is pretty. I mean, that's Victor Willis. Yeah. Sorry, Victor. I know it's not. Nothing gay about that. Definitely straight. This is including the tracks Sleazy and Ready for the Boys. Yeah. Ready for the 80s, sorry. That's the ready for the voice. The album says live and sleazy. Macho Man. Yeah. Of course. Macho, Macho Man. How was it not clear that the head of the sexual was doing a song called Macho Man? So are they just trying to erase 40 years of history with this song?

25:02Apparently so. Was Victor Willis always of this opinion or has he had a bit of a conversion? Of what? Some of the Trump guys have done gay conversion, haven't they? Am I going to get sued by Victor Willis' wife? Potentially, mate. This is not a news organisation. Yeah, I don't know whether he has latterly decided that it's not a gay song or has it for the entirety that they were performing it throughout the 80s. It's like, why are all these guys just taking their shirts off? Why is everyone offering poppers in the green room? I mean, I've had some, but I don't know why. You still, you just had no clue the whole way through.

25:44Because I've never heard this from him before. No. I don't know what's funnier, that whole thing, or that he is just a straight guy who's just been completely baffled by watching you becoming this gay. Been in the dark. Or he's just really annoyed. Just the whole way, it's like, God damn it, he's just taking my song again. He kind of reminds me of when your campus mate comes out and they're the last one to realise they're gay. Yeah, man, you'll get there. You'll fucking get there. You macho man. Anyway, one World Cup fixture that Victor and the gang will be giving a wide berth to is the group stage game in Seattle on the 26th of June, which for a long time, pre-World Cup draw, this had been marked out as the tournament's pride match.

26:29So it was gay pride weekend taking place in Seattle during that match. And they'd planned for that game to be a big LGBTQ plus celebration. the fixture gods clearly have a sense of humour because the draw has handed that fixture slot to Iran versus Egypt two countries where homosexuality is illegal, it's punishable by death in Iran that's crazy well I'm sure like in Qatar people will respect the local traditions when they're in Seattle I'm very much looking forward to Ayatollah Khomeini strutting out to the village people sashaying around well it's not a gay song it's one of the straightest songs ever it does give him a get out clause when he's surrounded by all these oiled up construction I'm a macho man it's straight, it's definitely not a gay song apparently they have asked for it to be changed now both Iran and Egypt could you drop the whole pride thing or move the game I think if this becomes a thing though Seattle being very liberal they're probably going to go OTT on it being the game match even if they say they can't.

27:42Do you not think they'll have flags and stuff like that? You're good if fans are in like assless chaps and stuff. Really go for it. Should we go? Yeah, I think we should go for it. We should, that would be fun. That's amazing. So what do you, I mean, by the time this pods out they probably will have fucking moved the fixture or something. Because even if you drop the this is the Pride match thing, it's still happening on Pride weekend in Seattle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, all these Iranian fans having like pink feather boas. I mean the Iranians who like most of them live in LA which isn't that far they're probably pretty down with that shit yeah let's get down there what I will say is I've been to Iran and I've never been hit on by men more really yeah they're probably quite oppressed I was like 21 I had bleach blonde hair and a pink earring because I'm a macho man I was covered in baby oil obviously and yeah got a lot of pen pals on that trip really still keep in touch nah well imagine you'd reza if you're listening I don't know I mean I don't know if they were definitely hitting on me but like probably just being friendly yeah

28:48actually a little tip for Iranians who are hoping to stream the village people back home before the big game NordVPN which allows you to watch or listen to content not available in your region I guess it is now available in Iran thanks to the unofficial national anthem I'm seeing you but yeah maybe it's sports maybe it's bypassing censorship regimes maybe it's something really cool i don't even know about you can do it all with nordvpn uh you know if you're ivan tony you could get those get your re-add feed back on tiktok while you're in london watch your london in 2100 reels uh and it's also quite essential this christmas i think nordvpn because a lot of us get me going home and you know your your mum might still have the parental controls in place on the Wi-Fi.

29:34VPN will get you around that. I was actually reading about porn use around Christmas. Interesting. Well, I thought maybe people watch more at Christmas, which is a depressing thought. With your family. Yeah, but you... I don't know. Just going upstairs, mum. So porn use in the UK drops 20 % on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Yeah, that's good. It's almost not enough, is it? But searches for Santa on porn sites surge. And this is from the BBC. searches for Mrs. Claus go up 735%. Elf go up 464%. And perplexingly, searches for dick in a box rise by 570 % at Christmas. Great bit of journalism there.

30:17Festive dick in a box. Is that like... I think that's... Is it like you unwrap a present and then there's... There's a dick. Like, you know, the like popcorn bucket on the dick thing. I think it's that. Yeah. But it must be people see presents and are like, dick in a box. The mind immediately just goes to like... clip yeah i think the video the video they have in mind is is a gift wrapped box on a dig right you open it and then surely when you as soon as you hand the present you can't be to say to somebody like here's your present you've got to come over here to unwrap well i think it's more of a come over here and then here's your surprise oh okay you see you've done this before jim clearly you have an answer for christmas it does it for me sort of novelty erotica but yeah it's and good to see the BBC are researching that.

31:02That's why I pay my license fee and my NordVPN fee. So there's an exclusive discount on NordVPN for shotters in Iran and beyond. So go to nordvpn.com forward slash upshot. That link will give you the discount and a 30 day money back guarantee. Nice. Yeah, lovely stuff. Merry Christmas. Actually big sport news that almost feels under the radar given what we've already talked about before. Lando Norris won the F1. It's coming home. It's coming home. Imagine buying your kid a toy only to find the batteries aren't included or buying furniture but missing the tools to build it. Frustrating, right? Now imagine the exact same feeling but you're paying way more.

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32:27That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18+. Good energy in. Ah, good energy out.

32:55Storm. Zero sugar. 200 milligrams of caffeine and immunity support storm energy for life under the radar that isn't it yeah he did it for mcclaren it's quite like exciting end to the title race he won by two points in the end i think yeah did you say he had a had a run-in with his dad or something yeah when i like sort of 15 years ago i was pitching for investment to this rich guy and he was telling us all about his son who was like really good on go-karting he must have been really young at the time and i didn't really remember it but my um my co-founder was saying to me about six months ago that that was lando norris's dad he was talking about lando who then was just like a you know is he a nepo baby then is he really i don't know i think you nepo nepo baby nepo baby quite like nepo baby well i don't know because in formula one that i guess you need some cash to get started although liars hamilton's not like i think i mean a lot of them are fucking loaded aren't they yeah but I guess presumably Lando's dad was loaded I mean I was asking for money so yeah sorry yeah back to Lando winning the title in keeping with F1's sort of transition from playboy headcases to fitness freaky hustle grind good boys the celebrations were a little bit tame I thought yeah so there was a video of him swigging a can of monster at the end gnarly that actually had something a little bit stronger in it he revealed so there's a video he like takes a sip from it and then winces and they ask him is there something else in that and he's like a little bit more i looked it up actually it's um it's the monster lando norris edition which is a melon and yuzu flavored drink with zero sugar and plenty of healthy so he was drinking an advert yeah he was but there was an open bottle of champagne with it so i think maybe someone had spiked it with a little crazy it was like a buck's fizz yeah a gen z one a buck's riz he did rack up a big old bar bill later to be fair so they spent a hundred grand he had his after party at the pearls and caviar bar at the shangri-la hotel in abu dhabi which might be the most vomit inducing sequence of words i've ever heard yeah every single word oh yuck but to be fair he was in abu dhabi yeah there's not much you can do other than They're drunk in a hotel bar Caviar bars Yeah But still it's not exactly James Hunt Shagging an Air Japan Hostess in the Yokohama pit lane I'd love for like A really rock and roll F1 driver to appear But it just doesn't look Like he does it Yeah they're all Kimi Räikkönen And Jensen Button Were the last like Proper Playboy ones We're going to do A Kimi Räikkönen episode I think Yeah And James Hunt as well That's going a bit further back But actually Michael Schumacher Who you think of As sort of the guy Who in some ways Ruined The like Playboy vibe with all his fitness stuff.

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35:44He's sort of like the Austin Wenger taking away the Mars bars guy. But he used to party really hard. He got properly stuck in whenever he won, which is a lot. And famously in 2003, when he won his sixth title, Kimi Raikkonen, who was his teammate, and his brother Ralph joined for a big old sesh. And none of them will really talk about the details, but there was footage of Ralph Schumacher throwing a TV and some furniture out of a window, sort of rock star style. And then Michael Schumacher stole a forklift truck. sign of a good night I was looking for other wild title winning stories and I came across the NASCAR driver Tim Flock this is back in the 1950s Tim of course you'll remember Tim Flock of course he famously won the Grand National which was a big title back in NASCAR's 50s era with a monkey as his co-driver only man to do it with a monkey so he had this a rhesus monkey called Jocko Flocko, which started as like a...

36:43Mascot or something. Yeah, it was like a sponsorship thing. Right. Probably feel like a cigarette company. They probably got that monkey to smoke. Does a monkey want to be in a Nascot? That's terrifying. Well, yeah, but look, we got some pictures of there's the monkey and then they even got it its own uniform. Oh my God. There it is. It's got like a race. Race. It's cute. And in 1953, they won the Grand National. They did. Yeah, it was co-travel. So good. Tim and Jocko. although the monkey did have to retire two weeks just two weeks after winning this item after a slightly nasty incident so apparently these cars were fitted with a lever that you pull and it opens a hatch over your wheel so you could look down and just check your tyres are alright and the monkey in this race led over pulled the lever the hatch opened and then the monkey stuck it stuck it to head just checking the tyre degradation he's the co-driver it's your job all okay all okay That was the treads, mate.

37:39Shall we get the slicks on? Have a look. Anyway, the monkey, Jocko, put his head through the hatch. You're driving at like 160 miles an hour while this is happening. Monkey puts his head through the hatch and apparently a pebble bounced up, smacked him between the eyes. Has he not got a little helmet on? Yeah, you'd think if they got him a uniform, you could at least get him a helmet. Yeah, I don't know how substantial the helmet was. It was a costume. And he had to pit the driver to rescue the monkey. who was escorted out. It cost him the race. Escorted out. I know. You've got to leave. And yeah, the monkey retired after that is the official story.

38:16Fair enough. Retired with brain damage. Do you have to race with a monkey next year? I mean, I was looking at Tim Flock. Quite mental. So he's a family of racing driver siblings. Eight of them. His sister was named after their dad's favourite gasoline. What, like BP or something? Ethel. And they all learned to drive by running moonshine for their uncle during Prohibition. Wow. Quite good. Rock and roll. Slightly different era to Lando wincing at his monster. Yeah, he has a system of his custom monster. To be fair, as I said, Lando, he was in Abu Dhabi, which is not exactly Hellraiser Central, is it?

38:52Like, what's the... Yeah. Apparently they were partying until 6am. I reckon you can get yourself a monkey there if you want, though. Yeah. Yeah, true. And you can make it drive. Yeah. Monkeys are allowed to drive, just not women. He would have probably still been in a... Actually, on that note, did you see did you see Saudi Arabia are letting foreign nationals booze buy booze for the first time wow they've changed they've relaxed the rules they've done it in quite a Saudi way so previously diplomats could buy booze from this shop but they're now saying foreign nationals can buy it from there as well if they bring proof that they earn at least 10 grand a month so you've got to so just you if you're rich yeah you've got to or a monkey yeah monkeys can drink obviously that's completely fine you've got to bring in a salary certificate showing that you earn at least 50 ,000 reals in a month.

39:38So basically your bank statement to say, yeah, I can buy something. Why, like, what is the justification if, like, rich people won't do bad things when they're drunk? Because that's been proven wrong. Yeah, I don't know. I guess maybe it's easier to control. They're just fucking shit, aren't they? Yeah. We've seen the Bullingding Club. I saw Paul Pogba has just bought a camel racing team in Saudi. Is he, like, diversifying post-football what he's going to do with his life? playing again actually he's at Monaco sort of passed me by but I saw and he was like yeah I've spent a lot of time watching camel racing which sounds a bit like he had a lot of time off yeah when your gambling's getting a bit out of hand and there's nothing to bet on you're like camel racing yeah anyway far away from the magnums of grey goose and gold flaked moe being bought by high rollers in Saudi I want to take you deep into the forest of northern Mexico a long haired Californian tech guru and a tie-dyed poncho, takes a sip from a calabash bowl filled with ground ibogane root, passes it to a student on her gap year from Bristol Uni with a shark-tooth necklace and a crocheted crop top.

40:47That was on my ex. They're about to embark on a 48-hour psychedelic journey through the wildest depths of their own mind. They lay back on their woven alpaca rug and gaze up at the stars, drifting into their subconscious to the soothing sounds of pipe flute and rattle. When their shaman interrupts, there will be one last cosmonaut joining them on their trip. I'll write your fucking consulate, Piaminius! They sit up to see none other than MMA legend Conor McGregor hopping around the campfire shadowboxing.

41:31and Connor proceeds to knock back a dose of Ibogane and settle in for the trip with them so this is the scene that took place in northern Mexico recently I think Connor McGregor has got to be the last person that you want to be with on a psychedelic I agree I think maybe he could be the best and maybe he could be the worst definitely the worst definitely the worst If you're both on a really high trip He's so fun He's just fucking nuts It'd just be funny That would be scary I don't want the coakiest man on the planet With his fucking nerve twitching You're trying to find yourself Yeah Yeah you're just like Trying to look like fun He'd be sitting really close to you Wouldn't he Yeah yeah yeah You feel anything Yeah you feel anything You've seen anything Do you hear that Do you hear that Yeah like asking if you've got a key Just as you're like meeting your dead ancestors he's just about to get to the gate but yeah he did he went along to one of these retreats to have Ibogane I always thought it was Ibogane I've never I have no idea it's actually an African root thing it's like an ayahuasca long intense trip yeah highly psychedelic like 48 hour trip I once watched a video of a guy on Netflix who did it while being buried alive.

42:57I was like, why? Why would you make that really intense scene so much more intense? It looked absolutely intense. I guess he wanted to die. It really felt like he was dying. So hang on, Colin McGregor's just done one. Yeah. I mean, he could certainly use, like, changing perspective a little bit. Yeah, he could do with a bit of ego death. Yeah. Has it calmed him down? Well, so he said that he was advised by a doctor, some doctor, to do this, to overcome trauma. Right. unclear whether he had experienced or dished out the trauma. Probably a bit of both. Probably a bit of both, I think. But yeah, he described the experience as incredible, intense, and absolutely eye-opening.

43:38Okay. He's kind of bought into the light. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, like we said, he could do with a bit of ego death. I'm not sure the trip went exactly that way. This was his recollection of it. Jesus descended from the white marble steps of heaven and anointed me with a crown. I was saved my brain my heart my soul healed oh so in his trip in his trip Jesus descended from white marble steps and put a crown on his head and said you're the king mate yeah right so just not confirmed every decision he's ever made he was right yeah and then absolved me of all my everything bad everything bad I've done has forgotten and also it's confirmed that I am the best yeah yeah you can imagine the rest of them coming around for their trips and being like so yeah I've just realized that I need to reconnect with my father and you know the family tree is just so connected and Connor wakes up and he says Jesus told me I was king swagger in his fucking three piece suit with the waistcoat he's always in with his like what's his whiskey or something or his stout he's like making everyone try it hey you're man here it was the last thing that he needed to hear on that trailer wasn't it to be fair it did sound like he had some of the more sort of traditional experiences he also said i was shown what would have been my death how soon it was to be how it would impact my children i was looking down at myself as it happened and then i was looking out from the coffin okay that's quite deep yeah yeah remains to be seen whether connor comes back a changed man probably just done this this was relatively recently i think um the early evidence isn't too promising i'm sad to report so there was a video during the rounds this weekend of him you know when he goes you see these videos quite often of him on wired quite cokey yeah his entourage completely silent while he's just done something yeah there was one video of him uh teaching mike tyson to box just doing sort of shadow boxing and you see canelo you see josh do it they go low to the body and go high you see that's a hum bum so all you must do on this right like you the boxing way is a lot of people do this from boxing, they step forward, yeah?

45:51You never, you jump in. Mike Tyson. Then you jumped in and then you're here. You're right here. So I'm gone. 5am at the crack on. Mike is, yeah. I mean, if you think that's bad, look at the next video. Mike Tyson was open mouthed. Has he got him again? He looks absolutely coked off his bonce in this video.

46:25You know when someone's a bit coked up and they try and whisper in your ear? Yeah. Whenever you see a video like this, they're always sat at the table. He's never in his seat talking. He's always up in their fucking faces, standing. I just get a really anxious vibe from him. Yeah. Energy is just like... Okay, I changed my mind on the... I honestly can't think of anyone I'd less like to do that jungle ayahuasca trip with. I feel like it'd be quite fun on a night out. That's what I was trying to get. I think he's probably the sports person I would least like to hang out with. He's horrible in every way.

47:04All right. Well, what a beautiful note to finish on. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to Patreon now where we're talking about another fucking nutter, actually. Gary Medel. you might remember him from his season at Cardiff El Pitbull he lived a wild life he also played for Inter Milan Inter Milan Sevilla Chile legend Boca Juniors and Nathani had guns pulled on him at street kickabouts in Chile yeah tasered by police tasered by police sleuth through his own windscreen yeah snuck hookers into the Chile team hotel yeah quite a lot fighting with Leo Messi as well they have a few run-ins yeah yeah it's good stuff so join us for that now and then next week on Patreon we're coming to you live.

47:43We're doing a live stream episode. First time we've ever done it. It's going to be what else? The scandalous backstory of Christmas. Are we recreating the nativity? Yeah, we're thinking nativity of actually cast you as the donkey. So if you could just be on all fours in front of Zach for the whole bit. Pumpkin at Halloween, donkey at Christmas, it's always the basic shit. Your lines are really easy to remember. It's just... I think we'll get into the nativity garb. We'll be on the mulled wines. and it will tell Christmas from the beginning maybe even some pagan origins all the way up to Dirty Dogs at Panto in the modern day a few celeb names knocking about on that what time are we starting?

48:24I'm very excited because we're going to finally do the Dirty Den Panto story which is a good one it involves a hook what time are we doing? Good question probably 7ish we'll advertise it on Patreon well in advance but it'll be Wednesday night next week so if you're not already a Patreon member and you want to hear Gary Medell, you want to tune in for the live show and the entire back catalogue, got some real specials on there, then patreon.com forward slash Upshot Towers. And actually, there's a two-parter coming out soon on Jerry Springer. We've already recorded. That's a very good one. So hopefully we'll see you over there.

49:00Otherwise, we'll see you on Tuesday. Thanks a lot. Cheers, JP. Pleasure as always. Thanks a lot.

49:11Well, Lorenzo, the pitch looked good. Yeah, so green. USA Keeper was decent enough. Didn't have much to do. Ugh, 99 minutes. Not a single goal. Well, Bet365 sure came through, though. I bet$10 and got$150 in bonus bets, just for signing up. At least someone scored. Bet365. Winning is everything. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. 21 plus only. Must be physically located in Illinois. T's and C's apply. In-app only. It's cozy season and nothing compares to wrapping yourself in a Minky Couture blanket. Luxuriously soft, perfectly warm, thoughtfully made. From movie nights to chilly mornings, Minky Couture turns everyday moments into pure comfort.

49:59Once you feel it, you'll understand why it's called the original best blanket ever. Visit MinkyCouture.com or a store near you and make this cozy season your softest one yet. Thank you.

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Links from the pod:
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