Jake Humphrey’s curse claims another victim | The funniest stories in sport this week

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1:57A Spurs defender has a gun pulled on him in the street by his own agent. And the Jake Humphrey curse claims another victim. My name is Jack Rivlin. Hello, Zachary Sweeney-Lynn. Hello, Jack. Hello, JP Lockwood. Buongiorno, fellas. How are you guys doing? Very well, thanks, mate. Big news for you guys to kick right off. I've got my sources at Warrington Test Centre have informed me that Mr. Luke Littler has passed his driving test. Well done, mate. Right, right. Big up. Big up. So obviously listeners will recall that he failed his theory six times. But he's just pulled off the practical with zero minors.

2:38Banging. Clean slate. Zero minors. That is impressive. Not a single fault. So you're unable to take the practical until you pass your theory. So he's been waiting. He's probably been, he's had a lot of hours in the car waiting for him to pass the. True, yeah. So I was quite impressed. I was like, zero minors. Congratulations to his instructor, Colin Price, who posted a proud Instagram shot. But actually I looked at the shot because I thought zero minors, that's quite rare. And then I remembered I had a friend who passed the zero minors and there was something quite distinctive about that driving test too.

3:09So I looked up the car Luke passed in online. It's an automatic. like a true journo yeah a bit of journalism for you he's got an automatic licence he can't handle the stick which you know what fair enough one man who could probably use 20 hours in Colin's VW Tygo is Chelsea defender Wesley Favana who has just racked up the 47th point on his licence he's got more points on his licence than games for Chelsea I think I was trying to crunch some numbers earlier and couldn't think of anything good but that's wild wild that's so yeah he's been banned again needless to say that gets you banned how do you get up to 47 points surely you're well done for life you actually get banned when you get 12 but he um he had this like mental period last year christmas last year and i think in the space of six weeks he had five driving offenses and he got 37 points for all those so he's banned for that and now he's had his ban extended for a further do you think he got caught once and then was just like all right fuck it I might as well just if we're gonna go out we'll go out with a bang yeah or do you think it's like the level of his driving like he's over whatever he's done isn't that bad it's pretty bad is it I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he doesn't have much respect for the highway code I've got a clip here this is the offence they got in points point 47 this is him on the A3 near Isha undertaking someone using the hard shoulder so not even a lane he just goes round on the hard shoulder speeding as well let's have a ganderson I'll link to it wow He's going quick.

4:42And then look. Yeah. Fuck! He's going round him on the shoulder. It's also a bend, by the way. He's going round the bend. That is mental. Yeah, that is reckless. And then he's gone straight into the fast lane as well. Yeah, he went across the lane. He's just weaving in and out. I've never seen anyone use the hard shoulder to get round another car. Yeah, I mean, that is reckless. Let alone on a bend at like, I don't know, 90 miles an hour or something. I saw a police chase one time on the motorway and they did that. The coppers did that. Yeah, coppers, yeah. Yeah, no, but like the car, they were chasing a motorbike and...

5:10I really I mean actually that is thrilling felt like I was felt like I was on what's the Grand Theft Auto yeah police camera action police camera action yeah I think I think on a police chase go for it otherwise but yeah Wesley I think he was clocked doing 90 in a 50 that's pretty I did see one of his events was doing 26 in a 20 yeah fair enough come on so this event that we just watched the video for that was 20th of April 420 this year yeah on his way to Hyde Park just couldn't wait he was gonna miss it um but yeah he's um he's got an 18 month driving ban rightly so and 300 hours of community service which is quite a lot i mean i think it's justified but when you how is that like you got to do a day a week for a year so yeah well i mean it sounds like a fucking lot there i mean i would put him in the stocks or yeah 300 hours though because if you do what you do like an eight hour shift yeah so it's every week for a year sort of He can't have that many days off.

6:06He probably gets the day off after games. So he's going to have to go in after his game. On a Sunday. He's not playing much anyway, so I'm sure he'll find the time. He's got time to clean some graffiti. Also, we're not that disciplined at the minute in general, Chelsea. So having this in the ether, I don't think it's very good look. Well, this is symptomatic. I mean, he's actually a complete arsehole for doing it. That stretch of the A3 is actually quite a popular place for footballers to wreak havoc in their cars. because we talked about in our Crazy Gang episode that a journalist turned up at the training ground once just as the players were stripping a teammate naked, tying him to the roof of a car and then driving him down that section of the A3.

6:45So it's maybe just how many points you get on your license for that. Back then, none. But yeah, so he's had, I think he's had nine driving offenses in a few years. He was banned in 2022 and 2023 and now he's been banned twice for these. I would say he shouldn't be allowed to drive ever again. No, 100%. There was a nice moment of comedy. So here's from the court report in the paper. Fofana had so many speeding offences at Lavender Hill Court. They were scattered through the building's courtrooms and the judge, Chairman Mr. Soons, quipped, he's got a flush. He's in court one, two and three. But we've gathered them all together.

7:20It's a shame. I would have liked the idea that he was going from room to room trying to make them all. Zigzagging. A flustered Fofana. He's pretty quick. Do you remember also... On the A3. We mentioned that one of his victims of his driving was Dean Gaffney. What? Yeah, in 2023, I believe, Dean Gaffney was out chirpsing on the King's Road in Chelsea, as is his want. And I think he was hailing an Uber or getting into an Uber. And Wesley came down the road, you know, in his Lambo and smashed into him. And apparently, sorry, it's not funny, but Dean Gaffney flipped up in the air and broke his collarbone.

8:03but he no Dean Gaffney weirdly fortunately is alright but he weirdly was like it was not Wesley's fault what? yeah he was like I'd just like to say do you reckon he was pissed and like ran into the road maybe he stumbled out I guess maybe on that occasion it wasn't his fault was he with Wellard? yeah Wellard's brown bread you don't know that no we have talked about Dean Gaffney and Wesley Fofana before and we talked about Wellard quite a lot because the other thing I remember is Dean Gaffney has slept with a thousand women he says I feel like we've heard that before One of them who sold her story was the woman with the biggest boobs in Britain End cup Good one to have in here When Wellard died on his character on screen he died from eating chocolate and the TV critics report said it was the death of the best actor in the show

9:00that's the most believable death he said well hard eating chocolate um no i think fair play to wesley's lawyer who's done a grand old job of keeping him out the slammer one guy who could probably use some time with that solicitor is irish hurling legend dj carey remember this guy we talked about before he's the Maradona of Hurling who scammed his pals out of 400 grand by pretending to have cancer and sending them a photo that was him with an iPhone cable up his nose. We're looking at the picture now. His photo does be in. It's photo of the year I think. Sports photograph of the year. Has he got the end of the cable up his nose or is that the bud?

9:45You can see the little bit. I think it's an air pod. I think it's the lightning cable end because that would be easier to get in a nose. I think it's a charger. But yeah, he's got the plaster over the nose as well. It's not even plastered. It looks like masking tape. Yeah, it could be. And it's just, that's just not a hospital bed, is it? It's just in his normal clothes as well. So I think he sent that to all of them to ask for money for his treatment. Anyway, he was in court this week because he finally was facing the music and was found guilty as charged.

10:22he actually pled guilty uh but then you gotta come for the sentencing hearing and you know ahead of that hearing it was like wow will he get jail like which way could this go and so ahead of that hearing dj had one more ace up his sleeve his lawyer arrived and uh his client was nowhere to be seen and the solicitor informed the court that unfortunately dj couldn't make it because he was, you guessed it, in hospital. Come on, mate. He's had a relapse. You can't go over this ground again, surely. So apparently the lawyer was like, I see how this looks. While I accept that my client did pretend to have incurable brain cancer, he is genuinely ill on this occasion.

11:06Has he got a doctor's note? Yeah, I think so. I mean, for all that fucking word. I've got this photo. didn't he like fraud one of the most powerful men in Ireland yeah I think he's called Dennis O 'Brien founder of Digicel we've got some balls to do that yeah well yeah but I was looking I think he gave him like 10 grand the guy's a billionaire right yeah so it's like pocket change but then I guess no one likes to be made to look a fool yeah apparently there was a rumour going around in sort of like the early 2000s so just after he retired that he had cancer when he again he didn't have it and there's some speculation that that was where he got the idea for this scam from.

11:44So like this this rumor went around and suddenly like I was like God everyone's just being so nice to me. I can monetize this. People are going to offer this stuff to me. Well he did because yesterday he got into 10 million of debt through like failed business ventures. Yeah. Hygiene products. So I guess I don't know what that is bog roll tampons. Yeah. Anyway. Kleenex. iPhone cables. But yeah he he's gone to the slammer now. He's like a god of hurling. Yeah. Like one of the greatest of all time. Yeah. Big name. Well, not such a good scammer. Should have stuck to the hurling, mate. That actually wasn't the only crime in the papers this week, though, because there was a fairly shocking story going around earlier this week.

12:28It's reported by the BBC, several newspapers as well, that a top football agent was arrested recently after pulling a gun on the Tottenham defender, Destiny Odogi on a street in North London, busy street, restaurants all around. Oh, what, just like in front? I think so, yeah. I think it was quite late at night. It was like outside restaurants, Barnett, wasn't it? Yeah, somewhere in Barnett, yeah. So previously this story was published anonymously. They didn't name the player or the club. And obviously the mind instantly wandered to Morgan Gibbs White.

13:07it definitely wasn't Morgan I should say and then you got the scoop on who it was Upshot exclusive Upshot exclusive via BBC Sports oh right has it come out yeah it has now come out there was Destiny still isn't entirely clear what he was threatening Destiny about or whether it was his agent or another top football agent the sun says it was his agent bbc hasn't confirmed that do we think that his agent wars like he's rejected him the player yeah i don't know or what they were trying to pressure him into sometimes there are sort of multiple oh i got you this deal now you owe me money yeah yeah wasn't it isn't it a blackmail thing or it's like a yeah money related yes i mean you presume so you will endorse supreme cbd um yeah i don't know it's uh it's not entirely clear apparently the agents also under investigation for allegedly blackmailing a friend of destiny's as well jesus so yeah so he's now been arrested this agent had his passport confiscated and been banned from the tottenham training ground too good right which is yeah a good thing yeah yeah um 300 hours community service for you um destiny doggy's not french is he he's italian uh because you know how like we've talked before about french agents and how this this is quite common in france this sort of like i'm your agent i got you this extortion type thing quite murky it's quite mental how it's still legal and it's not like a regulated market amount of money that's flowing around i feel like it is a lot more shady than you think yeah obviously we don't know what happened in this instance yeah yeah yeah there was a story of berbatov i remember him telling the story of when he was about 18 he was playing for csk sofia back in bulgaria and after training this teammate of his invited him to a restaurant.

15:02He's like, I want you to meet a friend of mine. And Babatov goes in and there's this one guy sat at a table in a restaurant. And behind him, there's three quite sinister looking men who he describes as looking like refrigerators, which are quite like these big, terrifying, like East European, Balkan guys. And the first guy who sat at the table was like, Dimitar, come sit down. And he says, do you know what they call me? Yeah. They call me the cook, a sinister gangster name. And they basically tell him that they want him to leave CSKA Sofia and join this other team. And Babatov was like, I'm happy here.

15:42I don't want to move. My career is going well. And the guy just responds, we will figure that out. Don't worry about that. Oh, God. They just want him to another Bulgarian team. Yeah, I think. So these are some gangsters that are associated with another club. and they're trying to get him to try out. Is that because they'll get a little taste of the money or is it just because they're fans? Yeah, I don't think they're fans. I think they're quite far for the ultras to take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would they call him the cook? Good question. Is that that scary? The cook is like the drug dealer, isn't it?

16:17Yeah, yeah. Let's cook. So is it that or is it like because I will put you in a pot and boil you? I think it's one of those. It kind of doesn't matter really. It's like, yeah. I don't think it's that scary. There was that other gangster we came across who was called The Moth. Yeah, that's scary. Why? Because it's a bit sort of like... I think any... What do you call it? The something. I think the cook's quite homely. Yeah. I don't think he's making you a Sunday... I don't think this guy's making you a Sunday rose, mate. He's going to make you a delicious stew now. Maybe it's because he chops people.

16:47They call me the sous chef. I'll top you. Yeah, The Moth is the Croatian guy, isn't he? The Moth is... Is he not Borna Barisic who played for Rangers, Rangers left back? Yeah, I think it's his dad or something. Yeah, his dad or uncle or something. But yeah, anyway, Berbatov is sat there with the cook and he's obviously getting quite freaked out by this point. He wants to call his dad, but they won't let him. And they refuse to let him to leave. And he's there for about three hours while these like shady men are around him taking calls. And he's sort of freaking out. And eventually they do release him after some calls.

17:24And... He ends up staying at CSK of Sevilla. Oh, he never moves. No, he doesn't. But I mean, obviously, we don't know what happened behind the scenes there. I don't know if the gangsters got paid off by his club or whatever. Arrested? Yeah. I don't know, to be honest. I don't think Barbatov knows himself. God, that's fucking horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, staying with terrifying criminals, there was a mad story coming out of Russia this week. probably plenty of mad stories coming out but one in particular so the Russian Premier League is still ticking along the club's obviously banned from UEFA competitions but domestic calendar goes on same with the national team they're banned from international competition but just playing friendlies they beat Bolivia recently Iran as well last month big game against Peru next week and so there's this guy Andre Mostovoy.

18:23He's a midfielder for Zenit Zane Petersburg and the national team. Pretty big name in Russia. And last week, a gang of balaclava clad men tried to kidnap him off the street outside this grocery store. You've got a clip of it here. So this is him in the white car. And this black van pulls up beside and men jump out and try to nab him. Is he getting into his car? Oh, there's the van. He's getting into the car. Oh my God. Jesus as they try and grab him is this CCTV? yeah wait is that are they is that him swinging his bag at him? no so fortunately he was accompanied by a friend of his who's a pro hockey player who managed to fight these kidnappers off probably a good person to be a pro hockey player they're nuts not with you two schmucks I need to get myself some tougher mates we would be gagged and blindfolded quite quickly I'm down the street just take him take me the police actually do manage to track down the suspect and haul them in and under interview they claim that they were doing it as a birthday prank which you know there are people who do that sort of sick and twisted thing for their mates birthday pranks it would be slightly easier to believe if the same blokes hadn't pulled the same trick a few days later on a local businessman and the son of a top russian politician so they successfully managed to kidnap him held him at gunpoint and demanded a 100 grand ransom i said yeah they're kidnappers it's just a birthday break bloody big week for birthdays isn't it i guess it is sort of nine months after valentine's day roughly now isn't it so you do get a lot of births there's a lot of kidnappings there's a lot of birthdays to do pranks for yeah did they get their ransom with The guy paid them off£2 ,000 apparently.

20:19Well, as he was getting kidnapped. Yeah, I think so. They held him at gunpoint. And I guess they were trying to get money off his family or whatever. And he transferred them£2 ,000, I think. That's probably his daily withdrawal. That's not a bad result for him. 2 % of the ransom. Yeah, true. You take that. By your hand off. In the circumstances. I'll give you two. Fuck. Okay, so what's happened to that? Surely they've now been done for that. Yeah, so the police, after that kidnapping, the police arrested them and basically realized that they were the same ones who'd done the same thing to Andre a few days earlier.

20:54Those prostitutes. And then that was when they pulled the birthday prank claim, which you do think is a little bit late to come out with that one. Just been paid a ransom. Yeah. How's Andre doing? Is he quite a top Russian player? Yeah, he plays in midfield for Zenit, who are one of the big clubs in Russia. so yeah it's a big story over there the kidnappers claimed that they were recruited on Telegram to do a birthday prank it seems like they changed their story because they've then they said that they were told that they were teaching a lesson to some drug dealers sort of changing their story yeah that's rule one what lesson are you teaching drug dealers by attacking a footballer in a blood check yeah I don't know if they thought that the other guy that they kidnapped was, well, they were told that he was involved in drugs or something.

21:49Listeners will remember our famous ballet episode where there was the Russian guy who, what did he do? He like threw acid in the guy's face or something. What did he do? Yeah. And he basically was just like, I was told to do it to him. And apparently that then you don't get as much punishment or something. Yeah, I have read stories about in Russia, like people just being recruited to do these things on Telegram. You quite often hear about it in, you know, in Ukraine where people will burn down a government office or something and they catch the people and it's like, oh, I was recruited on Telegram and paid.

22:21So I think there's not a lot of work going around. So is that unless? Do you think it's legit them being offered? I think that is possible, yeah. So you're just a mercenary who just telegrams, like a WhatsApp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so apparently these, the guys that did the attempt at kidnapping, they dropped out of like maritime school or something. Hang on. It's a slippery slope post-maritime school. Yeah, you know. One minute you're going to be a ship engineer. Next minute you're going to be a ship engineer. Kidnapping. Because someone asked you on Telegram. Wild. Yeah. So everyone you mentioned is okay.

22:59Destiny of Dogi is okay. Dimitri of Overtapped is obviously all right. And so is this guy. Yeah. Happy ending. It's a happy ending. Kidnapping's not that bad. It's a moral story. So staying on crime, you know I loved me a drug mule story and we had one in this week that was probably my favourite since the Peru 2. You remember the Peru 2? I remember the Peru 2. Two Ibiza season airs that went out on a night out and ended up in Lima Airport with 10 kilos of cocaine and got busted. Didn't you say they thought they were flying to Ibiza or to Spain? They thought they were flying to Barcelona and they hadn't been to bed and the flight was actually going to Peru.

23:38Hangover from hell. Hangover from hell. Also, English or British woman's just been let out in Georgia. Oh yeah, that was like 150 grand. Yeah, I think she was like literally full. It sounds quite horrible actually. Carry on. But anyway, this one dates back to 2015 when a Colombian called Julia Lopez was caught with something a little bit fishy at a major Chinese airport. So Julia had the world at her feet. She was a regional Miss World contestant in Colombia. Regional? Hang on. Each word just makes it less impressive. Regional contestant. She hosted a popular TV show as well. And she played her football for Divas del Futbol.

24:21Are they a legitimate outfit? Is that the goal there? That looks like five besides. Well, apparently they're a semi-professional Colombian team. Divas del Futbol just means football divas. I checked them out on Insta If you go down there If you have a quick look here Oh yeah Oh it's like That's five years old Is that her? No she's in the next Oh wow Okay Oh wow That's class Yeah So they're like showboating Yeah It's sort of ballers league Yes But then I also had a look at their Halloween party Oh One Two One Two Let's go

25:04Okay. Not really gone for the scary route there. I'm not sure whether they're a professional outfit. I think it's like a baller's league type. Yeah. What's her TV program's chat show? I think it was a chat show over in Columbia. Cool. But her, so the story is in early 2015, her and her boyfriend told their family and friends that they were leaving Columbia for a trip to China where they were going to be sourcing clothes for a fashion boutique that they were both setting up. So they took a trip to Paris on the way and there's lots of photos and videos of them sort of shopping quite extravagantly in Paris.

25:42And after Paris, it goes radio silent. So no one hears from them for about a week and everyone's really worried. And about a week later, they are both arrested, carrying 610 grams of coke in a computer at guanjo bayun international airport how big's the computer lots of questions here but the main thing i was thinking about was out of all the countries in the world you do not want to get caught yeah 610 grams yeah it's china yeah do they do they shoot them for that well i had a i had a little look into it so china has the highest execution rate of any country in the world uh and that's all out of all of the countries combined it's the highest as well so if you get caught with drugs in china you're fucked yeah so uh at the time everyone thought that the presumption was they're going to get straight straight away sentenced to death and there's a huge rally round back home in columbia so uh diva stale football play a load of charity matches actually yeah what's a free her what's her name uh julia free julia Free Julia.

26:51Imagining the, you know, the George Bush meme, 9-11. It's like Xi Jinping and someone comes in and it's like, Mr. President, Divas del Football put out a statement.

27:04Oh, hands are tied, really, sir. There is a couple of large donations from a couple of individuals in Colombia as well. Oh, yeah. It's all a bit opaque. Where's the money going? Well, I think it's lawyers. Lawyers. Yeah. And she essentially gets the, uh, the sentence reduced from death to 15 years. Ah, that's decent. Yeah. In the circumstances. In the circumstances. And, uh, post the sentence, it all went radio, radio silent. Um, but anyway, a letter has recently gone viral, uh, from her mother, uh, that she sent to her mother, which is basically, you know, there's a lot of mush in there about how she's really sorry about everything.

27:45Um, but then I think she's clocked. I think she's clocked that she is a worldie and she knows that there's a lot of people interested in her. So maybe they put this out into the ether to try and get her a bit more known in certain circles. But she says in the letter, I know people are interested in me and I see this as a message from God. So presuming she's like nearing parole and maybe she's going to start a certain... One eye on the influencer. On the influencer slash OnlyFans account. I mean, that's a good baller's league. Exactly. name exactly they've got over a million followers Divasdale football really so it's a big thing in Columbia I'm going to get them to plug us anyway Julia is now sort of turning her life around so she's teaching fellow prisoners how to read and write she is studying for some exams and she's got a little micro business in prison making little fans for hair dryers which is a bit of a weird one is that a micro business forced labour she's in a sweatshop 12 hours I don't think that's a small business it's like those Uyghurs they've got their own little micro business she's finally got not quite the fashion boutique she was hoping to start yeah you've got to paint quite a nice picture of Guangzhou she's got a micro business cracking rocks

29:03mate I see the good in everything so there is the sad bit is her mum has moved over from Colombia and now lives works in a factory next to the prison so she can be near her she can be near her and I was like oh maybe you move over and you see her for like a couple of hours a week, she gets to see her for 30 minutes a month. What, really? And she gets another 30 minutes if Julia makes enough hair dryers. Are you joking? Yeah, I'm joking about that. But no, she gets 30 extra minutes if she's got good behaviour. 30 minutes, yeah. You think Diva's Del Football should just pay for her flies and then she can live in Colombia.

29:37Yeah, exactly. But maybe she just wants to be near in case there's a development. I mean, that is basically hell, isn't it? I was thinking like, if you've got that amount of drugs and you have to get it for an airport where you're putting it, because for me you just got to shelf it. Prison pocket. You can't put 600 kilos up your ass. 600 grams. 600 grams. Oh, I thought you said kilos. Oh, grand. If I said kilos, that was grand. Okay. I was thinking how 600 kilos is fucking massive. 600 grams you could swallow, right? That's like a bag of sugar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just fucking get it wrapped up into like a nice dildo shape.

30:10Yeah. You picture you or Divasdale football. I think it isn't the normal way you stick it in a condom and swallow it. You'd have to swallow a few. Yeah. Or just straight shelf it. Yeah. It's risky, isn't it? Yeah. When was she done? 2015. 2015. So she's coming out soon. Five years? Yeah. And maybe they'll reduce it? Do they do that? Yeah. Well, she's on good behaviour because she's making so many hair drives. Business is flying. I wonder what... Literally. I wonder what prison's like in Gwangju. Pretty horrible. Probably horrible. I always think Singapore, Thailand's worse, but I guess it's the same.