Jermain Defoe: boobsmacked

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1:35Jermaine Defoe bonked lap dancers, bit opponents, and spiked his teammates with Viagra. From bogus weddings to backseat rendezvous, meet England's friskiest forward. Welcome back to The Upshot. My name is Jack. Zach is here as ever. Hi, Jack. Hello. And we are welcoming a brand new guest. although not so new because he's been lurking behind the cameras for some time, coming out of the shadows, is Upshot producer Jack Stewart. Thanks for having me. Welcome aboard. Yeah, long time lurker, first time? Big time lurker. First time talker? Yeah, I made one quip once. How'd it go? It made the edit, so yeah, pretty good.

2:17I mean, you did do the edit. It's been a long awaited debut, actually. Yeah, we've been pushing it for a while. finally here finally here on the sofa the big debut yeah it should be excellent I will promise no less than excellence that's all we ask for I would say Zach having done the research for this that I agree that he's a nice guy unless you're going out with him yeah I think generally people have good things to say about him he's done he does a lot of charity work Jermaine Defoe OBE we should say yeah he was OBE'd what do you call it gonged gonged gonged for his charity work so yeah I think he's he comes across as a nice guy.

2:58But yeah, there is, unless you're going out with him. There is a naughty streak, as discussed, and there are some hilarious capers that come off it. I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding. Yeah, yeah. They're just a boob smacking, as we'll see. Yeah, should we get into it? Yeah. Take us back. So Jermaine Defoe was born in East London in 1982. He started out playing football for Senrab FC, this pretty famous Sunday League team in East London. It's where John Terry, Ashley Cole, Ledley King, a few others came through. And he ends up joining West Ham's Academy when he's 16. So Harry Redknapp is manager at this point.

3:33And Jermaine's living in digs there alongside Joe Cole, among others. They get up to a bit of mischief together. So Joe Cole tells this story of having his girlfriend over one night. They're about 16 at this point and they're watching a film in bed. But Joe says, in his words, they're doing things 16-year-olds do. which you can probably fill in the gaps yourself. Anyway, this girl's dad arrives at some point to collect her and Jermaine meets him outside. He's like, yeah, yeah, just come straight up, straight up, leads him up the stairs, bust straight into Joe Cole's bedroom. And he's just like fumbling around under the covers, like trying to compose himself.

4:16And Jermaine's just there giggling behind the dad, apparently. So just a straight up, stitch up. Yeah, yeah, I think he knew what he was doing. Because that's the sort of thing where the dad might properly lose it. Fuck it, door! Dragging Joe Cole out by the hair. Yeah. I don't know if there's much of the problem. It was always quite short, though, wasn't it? By the buzz. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, he had Jermaine in 2000 that season. He ends up going on loan to Bournemouth, who are in League One. And he absolutely smashes it there. Scores in 10 consecutive games. and the following season he gets parachuted straight into West Ham's first team squad.

4:55Jermaine has a great first proper season in the West Ham first team. He's their top goal scorer, despite the fact he's mostly playing as a sub. What year is that, sorry? That would be 2001-2002 that year. Still Harry, just the end of Harry. No, it's Glenn Roder. Oh, it's about to go to shit, isn't it? Yeah, so the following year, Jermaine plays really well again, scores a lot of goals. But despite his best efforts, West Ham are relegated. It's 2003 now. And less than 24 hours after their relegation is confirmed, Defoe hands in a transfer request. Which, you've got to say, is a bit soon. And he does stay, but they end up selling him the following January to Spurs.

5:40Because this is when West Ham get pillaged for their star players. Yeah, there's like... It's when Joe Cole goes to Chelsea. Joe Cole goes to Chelsea. Michael Carrick leaves for Spurs as well. Anyway, there's a lot of hype around Defoe when Spurs sign him. He's this young, exciting, quick English striker who scored a lot of goals for West Ham. And instantly, he begins to deliver. So he scores on his debut. He's voted Spurs Player of the Year for 2004. and this mid-2000s era is a bit of a golden age for Spurs strikers really. They had Defoe, Robbie Keane, Berbatov, Mido as well, who was briefly really good.

6:24And maybe all that competition raises the stress levels for Defoe because in a fiery fixture against his old employers West Ham in 2006, Jermaine loses his head and sinks his teeth into Javi Mascherano. What a clip. Watch this.

6:44Just a nibble on the shoulder. I had no idea that happened.

6:53I think he's just trying to whisper something in his ear. That could have happened to anyone, frankly. Yeah. But there is an even bigger scandal coming for Defoe because in 2007, the News of the World revealed that he's been cheating on his fiancée with a girl called Rachel that he'd met at nightclub in London. So the News of the World article was headlined, Defoe does the double. And it uses a word that I've not heard before or since to describe him. It says Defoe is boob smacked because he likes big boobs. Oh, like gobsmacked? Yeah, it was a terrible pun. They're saying what, he saw her boobs and he was boob smacked.

7:33He was boob smacked. Can you use it in a sentence, please? Jermaine after seeing Rachel in the nightclub and admiring her 30D boobs he was boob smacked boob smacked now I understand when you first said it I thought maybe he was going to be smacked in the face with a boob and it was like a thing that could also be he was injured sort of like motorboating but it's being it's a more passive experience do you know what I mean similar sorry mind's up to you racing the receiving end of a motorboat I was falling down a rabbit hole yeah the receiving end of motorboat yeah a passive motorboat yeah yeah boob smack this was just a line from the article but the whole thing is basically a kiss and tell with her um so she says he was mesmerized by my 30d boobs in fact he talks about my breast a lot all the time he kept comment complimenting me about my boobs he said they must be fake because they are so huge.

8:31But they're not, is her point, I guess. I mean, let's not dwell on the boobs too much, but she's saying they're not fake. They're not fake. Oh, no, they're not. That is boob smacking. Can it be boob smacking? Yeah, I guess. I'm boob smacked at that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rachel also goes on to give quite a graphic description of Defoe's manhood. She said, he used to have a nickname for his thing. He wasn't very modest and he always called it the Hulk. It was quite distinctive because he has a strange skin pigmentation down there, which means it's the colours of Neapolitan ice cream. Oh my God.

9:07This is a chocolate vanilla and chocolate vanilla strawberry. Yeah. Does she mean in the vertical stripes? I presume so. That's fascinating. I've never seen a knob like it. I'm just trying to... I reckon it's more likely to be horizontal stripes and there's three sections. Sorry to do this. Like a tricolour. Yeah. Yeah, it's sort of flying the flag. I'm thinking maybe the head is like the, I don't know, is pink? I don't know. Yeah. Which else would be, you know, so. Yeah. It's going to be the head, right? Yeah. I mean, I've never seen a Neapolitan knob before. Don't even really. You don't see the ice cream that often anymore.

9:45No, yeah. Do you think that's off play? Middle aisle of Lidl probably. Yeah, you'd probably get it. Yeah. It's probably referred to as like a different region of Italy. I don't think I'm ever going to look at Neapolitan ice cream in the same way. Has that ever been mentioned before or since About Jermaine Defoe Or indeed anyone I've never heard it before Neapolitan Nobs That's two things I've never heard before Both in this article It's a good album name Yeah Neapolitan Nobs Or Boobsmacked That's the debut That's the first track on the album It's very thin but it's got a big thick crust Oh god The other thing is I feel like this era So we're in the noughties we've obviously read a lot of these kiss and tells it's quite common that footballers have a nickname for their dick and I don't think you hear about that anymore but rightly so because it's fucking childish yeah but do you know what I mean?

10:38that's the Hulk how far are you taking that nickname? is it like while you're shagging you're being like do you like the Hulk? do you like the Hulk? yeah the Hulk is angry and you won't like him when he's angry Hulk smacks I wonder if give them like human names yeah those are always my favourite like pet names is when people give them unusual human names like Bruce, Steve my cat RIP was called Maurice Maurice which was good, quite nice that sort of makes me picture a man in like a roll neck jumper Maurice sort of like East End kind of camp inexplicably got a picture of it Maurice is Roy Keane's middle name as well, isn't it?

11:27Yeah, but I think he would say Morris. We've discussed this. Yeah, we've discussed this. Roy Keane is Morris. And Roy Keane would not have a nickname for his cock. Do you agree? Having a nickname for your cock is a bit like, I think it's, I don't know why, but I think it's like someone who's been a bit babied by their mother, and now they need like these sort of just like... Yeah, it's quite infantilising. Yeah, I don't know why I'm getting Freud about this, but something about that to me screams like, grow up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, like if your mum calls it your winky or something? Yeah, maybe it's that.

11:58I don't know. It's just like the need for a pet name for your dick. It's like, stop humanizing it. Yeah. It's a Neapolitan knob and you are boobs smacked. If you had a hulk of a penis, you'd have a nickname. I don't think you need one. If you've got a big cock, why do you need a nickname that means it's big? It's not a fucking 1910s shipping vessel. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the other names. You do hear quite often the same sort of names around. Yeah, they're never that imaginative. If you'd come up with a Neapolitan character, Marigama, say. or I don't know someone from Talented Mr.

12:27Ripley that would have been good or an ice cream salad if it was called like Minghella anyway mine's the pecan yeah did you imagine the pecan yeah what flavour is he got probably vanilla if I'm honest mine's a mini milk a vanilla mini milk fish food onwards and upwards though and it's now the summer of 2007 when Spurs make the quite surprising signing of Darren Bent for 16 million quid, which is quite a lot of the time. I mean, he was good for Charlton. A bit of a like for like fast. Yeah. It's just odd because I think Defoe was, was Defoe a bit injury prone at this point? He has had quite a lot of injuries.

13:10Yeah, he'd been in and out of the team for Spurs as well because they had these other good strikers I was mentioning before. Yeah, maybe they're just going for a depth thing. But anyway, Jermaine's suddenly in competition for his place and he publicly says, I'm going to stay and fight for my place. but by the end of 2007 he's getting a bit sick of basically being rotated around with the other strikers and then a call comes from an old friend Jermaine, it's Harry come and join me at Portsmouth and it's Harry Redknapp yeah so he's his Pompey manager and this is quite a different Portsmouth certainly than the one we know today so they're kind of like reliably mid-table Harry Redknapp's at the helm they've got quite a good squad you know they've been spending a lot of money which will ultimately be that downfall and Jermaine you know he's already worked with Harry at West Ham where he thoroughly enjoyed himself and so he thinks do you know what I'm gonna head off I'm sick of playing second fiddle to Darren Bent so he goes goes and has talks with Portsmouth and it's all looking good until this cozy reunion between him and Harry is disrupted when contract talks get serious and Jermaine's mum Sandra is she's in there with his agent.

14:18She's very involved, which is quite common. Is this again, going back to his, why is this where you got your theory? You researched this part. Totally concocted. He's got a nickname for his Willie and his mom does his contract. Anyway, so Sandra, she apparently is insistent that Jermaine should get a goal bonus on top of his salary, which at the time is, you know, now it's standard, but at the time it's like a relatively new thing. And Harry Redknapp isn't impressed. His reaction, as he recalls later was a goal bonus? He's a striker. What do you think we'll be paying him 50 grand a week for to fucking miss him?

14:54I think that's a fair point. You can't be demanding a goal bonus. I don't get a bonus every time I put up an Instagram reel, you know? Yeah. Well, I should have my mum in my negotiation. if your mum had only come to the contract talks. Yeah, but they are standard now, aren't they? It's weird. Yeah. It is your job. That is literally, that is literally what you've done. Anyway, this is free spending Portsmouth, so I think they just agree. The deal gets done and Jermaine Defoe heads to the south coast. And they have a huge season. This is the season that Portsmouth win the FA Cup. So they get to the final and then it's Cardiff, which is a decent draw.

15:32And they win 1-0. Unfortunately, Jermaine plays no part because he's cup tied. So he does not play in the FA Cup for Portsmouth. But he was there. He's around there. He's near the FA Cup. He actually doesn't win a lot of trophies throughout his whole career, does he? He wins the League Cup with Spurs later. Yeah, but again, he's injured for the final. I really, I get it. He has an unfortunate thing of being ruled out for big games. He wins the title of Rangers, as we'll come on to. But yeah, he's no part of a Pompey FA Cup winning team, but it's nice to be around it. And he's still the following season banging them in for Portsmouth.

16:06He's a really good, reliable striker. As for Harry Redknapp, he is the first to realise that Portsmouth's castle is built on sand and they are spending way beyond their means and are about to have to start flogging all their players. So Harry's, you know, starting to think about jumping ship when a call comes in from Tottenham Hotspur who snap him up as manager. So he hotfoots it over there. And for Defoe, you know, things are starting to look a bit wrong. There's talk that the club maybe can't afford all these players. His mentors left. And pretty soon he's agitating for a move as well. and in the January transfer window that year so only a year after he joined Portsmouth Harry swoops for him and for the third time signs him Harry loves a yeah just re-signing a player who are the others?

16:53Krenkjahr Nico Crenshaw yeah Ben Watasio Okoto as well he had in two clubs didn't he? did he? he had him at QPR as well Peter Crouch as well Peter Crouch I actually get it Eddie Howe's a bit like that if you've worked with him before you know you can trust him if you're that sort of manager who's like really involved 10-Hag yeah 10-Hag less exactly 10-Hag so back to Tottenham he goes you notice Jermaine Defoe usually moves in the January transfer window which is quite rare I think but he's the sort of player you would buy in January I think because he's just going to come and give you some goals immediately anyway he does very well at Spurs in his second spell the 0-9-10 season is probably his best scores 24 goals including three hat-tricks one of which is five goals against Wigan five in one game Yeah, one game.

17:40It's the, I think at the time, he's only the third player to do it. Shearer and Andy Cole. And then later, Berbatov and someone else. He's playing regularly for England at this point, which of course you wouldn't have missed a game. I am a big fan of England, of course. The three lines. It's three, isn't it?

17:59Those lions. That was our lions. Yeah, Jermaine. So he's like, I don't know if you'd say he's like first choice striker, because obviously you've got Rooney. but he's sometimes paired with him off and off the bench. He's very much like a key part of every squad and very much one of the lads as well. Him and Rooney and the other senior players, they're all really matey. And when fellow striker Carlton Cole is called up for a friendly in 2009 against Spain, Jermaine and Wayne Rooney decide that he is the perfect character to play a little prank on because Carlton's quite bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, enthusiastic.

18:36He's up for anything. and so in the dressing room before they run out for training Jermaine and Wayne take him aside and are like, Carlton do you want some vitamins that'll really help and Carlton's like oh yeah I'm big on vitamins, yeah yeah so they hand him a little blue pill which of course was Viagra and poor old Carlton swallows it and within about 30 to 45 minutes he is left with a big old boner he has to stagger through training with an erection that lasts three hours he says wow so that can't be very helpful when you're trying to run around I imagine no mark someone at a corner yeah well it's quite good for putting them off isn't it poking them in the back it's probably a crime but is it Erling Haaland who farts at corners yeah I think having a boner pressed into you would be more that would be yeah you'd give the defenders some space or the attacker actually I should say it's perfect for a striker Carlton said later about it he said the stonker was there I wasn't sexually aroused but it was just there.

19:38And then he said, I was the quickest person around that pitch. I had three legs. Makes me think he's told that story before. The Hulk and the Stonker. Yeah, the Hulk and... The Stonker's a good name for a bone, for a cog. Yeah, so quite a good nature prank, I guess. Quite a weird one, I suppose. Probably a crime. Yeah. Almost definitely. Again, just, you know, misunderstanding. You probably shouldn't be, especially as a professional sportsman, just taking random pills from people who don't... Yeah, what if it had been like an ecstasy tablet? or steroids got banned yeah I think Viagra's it's quite funny that's just knocking around as well I do remember a phase of like people having it on nights out as a joke Viagra yeah spiking people with it not spiking but just like lines of it taking it and finding it funny I won't go into details we've said 30-45 minutes that was a research or did you happen to roughly my experience anyway Carlton's not the only one swinging his horrible bone around where it's not wanted because Jermaine is at it too.

20:40In 2012, he begins probably his only sort of like celeb relationship. He goes out with Alexandra Burke, who is the X Factor winner. God, there's a blast from the past. Yeah, I actually rewatched one of her songs just now. And he goes, yeah, it's quite like of its time sort of R &B pop. You know, she's got one with Flo Rida, one with Neo. Okay. All the comments are like, how did she not get bigger? But it's like, it's quite like a dated genre now i think yeah yeah yeah that's good quite talented emotional um sort of talent show yeah yeah so she's definitely not bad i don't know what she's up to now but anyway they're having like quite a it's a relatively brief relationship but it's it's she describes him as my best friend you know that sort of thing right she's she's head over heels until germaine is accused once again of doing the dirty so the tabloids published an interview with a nurse called kirsty crummy um who says that they've been shagging um she she says that they met on facebook which is kind of sweet now actually isn't it how do you meet on facebook you just see them in a group or something yeah i guess it's like mutual friends got poked yeah yeah poked by the hulk yeah with carlton's corner

22:01I forgot my Carlton stunk but like how do you even come across random people on Facebook do they just DM you maybe I don't know who knows but what happens next according to Kirstie is that Jermaine begged and pestered her for explicit photos and asked her for a threesome I've noticed a standard tabloid devices if someone asks for something they begged so take it with a grain of salt but yeah she says they had an affair Jermaine's actually quite unkind in his response because he tweets and basically says, he points out that Kirstie bears a slight resemblance to the comedian Peter Kay and just says, apparently I'm shagging Peter Kay, which is mean and wrong.

22:40But I do think it's quite a clever defense if you are shagging her because surely no one would be that rude. And I think it probably buys him some time with Alexandra Burke. Unfortunately, there are then more cheating allegations and eventually Alexandra's had enough and she dumps him. And she then writes a song slagging him off Which includes a lyric You're used to fucking substitutes Which is sort of wordplay on cheating But also warming the bench It kind of works Yeah, yeah, it's also Dig at him, isn't it, really? Well, yeah The other lyrics were a bit more just like I thought you were my friend It was a bit sad But I enjoyed that little dick Not sure Jermaine did Anyway, he's onwards and upwards He has a great Tottenham career.

23:27There's regular sort of top six finishes. There are Champions League games. Again, this thing of like, when you look at a big game, he's weirdly absent. So like, I don't think he was in that famous Inter Milan two-legger. Where, you know, when you came back from like 4-1 to 4-3 and it was in a way felt like a win. Do you remember that? Bale just shredded Mike on. And then the home leg Tottenham won 3-1. That was like Bale becoming a megastar. Anyway, as for Jermaine, by 2014, it's time to move on. He's had two great stints at Tottenham by this point. Both of them, like, you know, sort of 150 games each.

24:00He scored more than 100 goals for the club. But, you know, there's a bit of a sense he's probably lost his pace by this point. He isn't quite, you know, the player that they want going into big Champions League challenges. You've probably got the likes of Harry Kane starting to come through. He's told him everything he knows, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, for Jermaine, though, it's not like he's in a bad place. There's plenty of clubs in the Premier League who will have him and, you know, might be a great move. You know, maybe he'll go back to West Ham. Michael Landrop's doing some quite exciting things at Swansea.

24:26But then Jermaine gets a phone call. Hello, is this Jermaine Defoe? Yeah, who's this? This is Drake. Yes, it is Canadian rap sensation, Drake. Hotline bling star. What do you want? You used to call me on your cell phone. Oh. Drake, it turns out, when he's not recording, he's already getting quite big at this point. Yeah, he's quite... I don't know if he was a big Defoe head before, because he's very into British culture, isn't he? He loves his grime. And he funded Top Boy, you know, the series. He saw the first two series and then approached them. It was 10 years later and basically was like, I'll pay for you to make more.

25:13Yeah, he likes English culture, I guess I'd call it. I don't really know. Yeah, he's a negative fire. and you know if you are an Anglophile living in Toronto he named himself after Sir Francis Drake I think that much that much he lionises English culture much like you Jack oh yeah just the same what's the curry favor with Elizabeth I which one is Sir Francis Drake he's not the potato guy is he no Francis Drake he was is he an explorer is Walter Raleigh the one who brought the potato back I don't know that era though yeah one of them yeah you know one of your heroes oh yeah yeah and one of Drake's I thought Walter Raleigh made bikes or something yeah probably said family no idea Drake you know obviously besides Sir Francis and you know Richard Attenborough and Elizabeth II his other grey hero is a little known English striker by the name of Jermaine Defoe who he's always always loved and Drake is working as an ambassador for Major League Soccer side Toronto FC who are on the hunt for a new striker.

26:19So when they hear that Defoe's moving on from Tottenham, they swoop and, you know, sending in Drake is a masterstroke. What is it about Defoe that's just irresistible? He's pretty fucking handy, no? Yeah, I mean, I think probably in the MLS. He was still relatively young. How old was he at by that point? He was probably 32, 33 or something. Yeah, he's only 42 now. So yeah, about that. Early 30s. Early 30s. So he'd do a job in the MLS. Well, he does. So when Drake calls, you come. So he heads straight over to Canada. And he bangs in. I think it's 11 goals in 14 games. So got their money's worth.

27:01But despite being prolific on the pitch, he does struggle to settle into a life of maple syrup, dogshit teammates, and unnervingly pleasant locals. Anyway, so after a year there, he is soon agitating for a move back to Britain. And so, you know, Toronto, it's a cosmopolitan city for all its faults. It's, you know, it's a very pleasant place. There's only one place you can head after that, Wearside, because Dick Advocats Sunderland have come calling. And clearly the hectic pace of life on Wearside is a bit much for Jermaine because shortly after joining, he puts up an ad for a personal assistant.

27:41So you might be wondering what a personal assistant to a Premier League footballer, what that job might entail, maybe sorting out his calendar, replying to some emails, booking hotels. But it turns out Defoe is a slightly more demanding boss. So this is the advert he posted. It says, here's what the 60k job will involve. manage and organize calendars for individual family members create an inventory for holiday villas so kind of standard stuff then it gets a little bit more exacting create a global brand for the Jermaine Defoe name book all social events such as theaters, concerts, cinema and musicals create Defoe's own clothing line slash fragrance for sale at his website select and organize his wardrobe produce Defoe's own iPhone apps so you need to be a coder as well as well as sort of a clothing designer brand guru grow his online database and social networking platforms and be flexible to travel abroad and across the country throughout the year at short notice and on call 24-7 that's like four jobs what would the Defoe iPhone app do?