Joe Marler’s big day out is RUINED | The funniest stories in sport this week

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2:00And our man down under gives us the inside scoop on Ash's Eve. Welcome back. My name's Jack. Hello, Zach. Hello, Jack. Hello. Hello, JP. Buongiorno, fellas. Good to have you back. Thank you very much. And you're coming back to launch some big news because we are doing some live shows in April. Woo! Yeah, it's happening. We're going on tour. So we're doing five live shows in April. London, Birmingham, Manchester, Glasgow, Dublin. All the biggies. The big five, really. Yeah. We're very excited about it. Considering getting a tour bus. Yeah. Big green fuck truck. The dates are quite spread out, unfortunately.

2:41So we're going to sleep on the tour bus for a week. A week. No live shows. Just in a lay-by. We could fall some time. What's on your rider, JP? just maybe some class A drugs and some downers for when I need to sleep something like that my mate who works in the music industry used to do like live shows and used to be involved with riders and he said Bez who I think is clean now isn't he Bez obviously famous drug addict on his written contract rider was half a gram of heroin just really I mean what's the point of that and then some some little intern who's on work experience at the venue it's just do you mind you just saw the rider tickets are going to be going on sale next week.

3:24We are doing a pre-sale for Patreon members. So they get 48 hours, just them, um, before it goes on general release. So all I'm saying is last time it sold out in 48 hours. So don't hang around. If you want to make sure you get a ticket and you're in the pre-sale, you need to be a Patreon member and you can do that by joining at patreon.com forward slash upshot towers. So yeah, those shows that'll be next week. So pre-sale on Tuesday and then, general release after that. Set your alarms. Set your alarms, get your Patreon account so that you will guarantee yourself a ticket. Now, the Upshot live shows aren't the only big event in town because England beat New Zealand at the rugby on Saturday.

4:03I was there. That's why I'm a little hoarse. And also among the crowd was none other than Celebrity Traitors hero Joe Marler. He's been the breakout star from Celebrity Traitors. He was great. Still hasn't replied to my DM. Yeah, he's still blanking. Oh yeah, didn't you meet? at the awards yeah he told Zach they listened to the upshot but I think he says that to everyone well let's see because now we're going to talk about him have that joke the thing is he was quite a Marmite character before Traitors yeah like because he I mean mainly because he had this propensity to grab a Poland's bollocks for a laugh but like a lot of people didn't really like him and you know now he's this hero but it turns out his fans are even worse so Joe was at the rugby he wasn't just sitting in the stands watching the game he was along with TV chef James Martin hosting a hospitality suite at Twickenham where tickets are 1250 quid the big two Joe Marler and James Martin James Martin yeah that'd be fucking unreal yeah yeah I feel like they've just gone on initials which one's James Martin the TV chef it's like Saturday kitchen yeah yeah it's Saturday kitchen yeah he's good okay yeah he's quite funny kind of makes sense because it is Saturday, I guess it's sort of...

5:21Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're living it. Does he cook in front of you? I think he does. He does the food and then Joe, like, interviews some rugby people. Grabs your balls. Yeah, he grabs your balls. Anyway, apparently it was all, you know, pretty nice. Spirits were in the sky because England won and Marla was hobnobbing on stage with some old dignitary when James Martin came rushing in straight on stage looking really shell-shocked and everyone was like, what's happened? and I think everyone sort of thought this was part of the show. He's going to be like, oh, I've burnt the volavents or something.

5:55But actually, he revealed candidly that he'd just been in the elevator where someone had done a dump in the lift, which is quite Ozzy Osbourne. I suppose after a lot of Guinness with Joe Marler and some food from him, you might really need a poo. So Joe Marler has his alibi, I guess. He was on stage. He does. He was on stage at the time, so it can't be him. but there's a lot of shifty blokes in waxed barber jackets shuffling awkwardly. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't Ozzy Osbourne used to do it in hotels? There were a couple of cases of Ozzy Osbourne. Where he did it in a hotel and it was an elevator full of other guests.

6:30Luxury hotel. And when one of them confronted him, he goes, don't worry, I'm staying here as well. Like it's okay. Oh, fine, you're a guest. It's quite rugby initiations, isn't it? Yeah. Do you think that was like, you know, if you don't finish your dirty pint and then you've got to take a shit at the Twickenham lift. Twickenham's quite like sort of the other end of rugby, isn't it? Where it's quite sort of tame. Probably in the suite, I guess. Is it a private lift to the suites that only people in the suite could have done it? That's sort of Agatha Christie, bolt the doors and let's work this one out.

7:02It's also quite traitors. Yeah, yeah. Over to you, Joe. 100 % not a poor.

7:11Don't know if he asked Stephen Fry for advice on who's done the shit. yeah apparently the crowd were mostly laughing but some were absolutely horrified yeah I mean it's a bit much especially if you pay$12.50 for a ticket you're going to sort of thing horrifies you doesn't it but that wasn't that wasn't the main sporting news this week really was it I mean rugby's very much fringed compared to what's happening in international footballs there yeah so big old week for Scotland and Ireland Scotland made it to the World Cup Ireland are into the playoffs massive both incredibly dramatic games Scotland won was mad like it's real like back and forth they're both mad I mean they're both both mad but yeah and yeah the Scotland one I mean they scored twice in stoppage time I was at my I did have a Danish class on Tuesday night so I was at the Danish class for the thing and there was yeah there was there was a Scottish girl in the class who was watching her no she actually wasn't but she was dishing it out to the Danes what is Danish for shite bags we have a We haven't covered that yet.

8:14That's next week. No, she was just, she was very, very happy when Scotland made it 1-0. Did you congratulate her in Danish? I did. I guess there were no actual Danes there. Well, the teacher, the teacher's Danish. Yeah, my, my girlfriend is Danish. And I was, I was sort of, I didn't really mind who won the game because obviously you root for Scotland and their fans are great and there'll be great value at the World Cup. But I did kind of want Denmark to be there They're just because... They're your new favourite, second favourite team. Well, I mean, so the last time, I mean, I just want England to beat Denmark at the World Cup so they can get one over Caroline again.

8:52Because the last time they, you know, England played Denmark at the Euros. Semi-final. Semi-final of the Euros 2020. I was there. And oh, yeah, the game. Yeah. Sitting next to Goldie. Really? Yeah. The rapper? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And obviously we were, she was actually back in Denmark at the time, but we would like obviously text you a lot during the day and talk you and then it was quite a controversial one Raheem Sterling got that won the penalty that I think was I still think it was a penalty he went down easy he went down easily and definitely that was the Danish perspective and Caroline she literally didn't speak to me for 24 hours afterwards I was trying to I was trying to get in touch with her I was trying to call her she wasn't answering the phone until like it was getting to the point where I was like are you okay can you just like at least let me know that you're alive and then she called me about like 8pm the day after the game and just unloaded the most I've never I've actually never heard her it's over so angry it's just like I hate you I hate your country you're cheating bastard I never want to come to your country again so was she glued to it last night I didn't realise she's such an ultra yeah no so those were the I was like you've got to watch the game she was watching the local election results instead which sometimes in the heat of the moment though you know when she's you know when you're watching a game like that you can get you know overwhelming isn't it yeah and the local elections they like elections you do see it was a historic result in Copenhagen actually was save that for your Danish politics pod coming soon social democrats have been voted up for the first time in 100 years

10:31yeah so that was yeah but I think she watched the last 10 minutes I mean Denmark can still qualify right they're in the playoffs yeah as are Ireland as are Ireland yeah Yeah, also very dramatic. And Northern Ireland and Wales. Really? Northern Ireland as well? All of UK and Ireland could go to... And also the Ireland win was equally dramatic, if not more so, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah, so they beat... They had an amazing couple of results. They beat Portugal 2-0 on Thursday, was it? And then came from behind to beat Hungary 3-2. Yeah, the main... 95th minute winner from Troy Parrott. What a week for him, because this time last week, Troy Parrott was a middling Erdivisie striker best known for growing up on the same street as Wes Houlihan.

11:13But then he scored all five goals in those two games, two against Portugal and then a hat trick against Hungary. So he's been catapulted to national hero status alongside the likes of Michael Collins, Bono, Dustin the Turkey. Who's Dustin the Turkey? Dustin the Turkey. He's like a puppet character. He was on Eurovision. He was Ireland's candidate for Eurovision. I read that the local zoo in his local town has had the endangered bird named after him. I mean, in a way, it already was.

11:55Yeah, did you see there was ESPN Brazil commentary of his winning goal against Hungary? It's brilliant.

12:14that is fairy tale stuff though isn't it yeah it is that's it how do you hold it for that long

12:35so good unreal get that guy I just want to watch all football in with Brazilian how many people in Brazil were watching it's quite a random one to tune in for but he's given it his all hard to keep your voice going yeah I don't know there's sparks some pretty mad scenes in Ireland as well not quite as mad as in Brazil it sounds like but I did see there was a good clip of Dublin airport people jumping around and from the RTE studio where the ex-walsman Kevin Doyle was caught on a hot mic calling Dominic it's always like a Liverpool cunt

13:19I heard that the security at Kerry Airport basically shut down security and delayed all the flights so everyone in the lounge could watch once the Portugal game had happened this is in kneecap tweeted Victor Orban saying stick that up you bollocks that was really good it was so good but yeah it was great to see for both Scotland and Ireland they have still got a winner playoff yeah but it'd be amazing if Scotland, Ireland and England are in the World Cup and Wales and Northern Ireland don't forget them they're full anyway Scotland's great news yeah it was a much more serene passage to the World Cup though for England pretty comfortable wins against Siberia and Albania perfect perfect record very impressive but that left the thirsty hacks at the Daily Star scrolling through the photos of their opponent's wives to check whether any of them were risking an Instagram ban.

14:15Did any of them join the No Bra Club? That's the other headline they always do. I haven't seen that for a while. But, you know, normally they're just, you know, finding some pervy bikini pics, but this time they actually did dig up a very interesting story. So Anastasia Gouledj, who's the wife of the Serbia and Sevilla midfielder Nemanja Gulej. It turns out it was the daughter of the terrifying Serbian warlord, Zeljko Raznotovic. He's actually better known by the name Arkan, which to me makes him sound like a Brazilian wonder kid. He just goes on like, even his Wikipedia is just one word, Arkan.

14:59As if he's like Fred or something. it is more scary if someone has a one just a single one word name yeah yeah and they're not a brazilian footballer yeah yeah yeah uh and he's he's definitely falling into the scary category his life is mental i was looking into a bit he basically he rose through the ranks of the serbian criminal underworld um he's traveling around europe orchestrating these bank robberies murders uh broke out of prison in four different countries across europe spent most of the 70s and 80s on interpol's top 10 most wanted list um but basically had high up friends in serbia yugoslavia who supported him uh and he was basically like a state-supported mobster uh he used to drive around belgrade in a pink cadillac bad boy yeah just so so brazen you know you're just like you you know that no one will touch you so it doesn't matter that you can just draw the most attention to yourself possible uh in the 80s he was also the head of red star belgrade's fearsome hooligan firm um and they had this one really uh famous fight against dinamo zagreb like their two firms were like the most feared ones in yugoslavia and just before the yugoslav wars kicked off they were basically on other sides of the political uh divide and a match between the two of them which i would say shouldn't have gone ahead descended into like i'd like unbelievable riot like both both fans on the pitch just like running battle basically uh and then when the war actually properly kicked off he ended up recruiting a lot of his boys from the red star firm uh for the serb volunteer guard which was a paramilitary group that he ran i suppose if they're getting involved in that kind of combat they're probably going to be quite good at war yeah yeah you want them on your side can you imagine like a hooligan firm from like i mean it'd be chaotic yeah i wouldn't fancy myself against them yeah when they did that troop surge into afghanistan they were like actually we could use the uh chelsea headhunters yeah i mean they did some pretty pretty heinous things during the war um but by the sort of mid 90s um arkhan had kind of fallen out of favor with the government uh the authorities and spent the last few years of his life basically living in the lobbies of luxury hotels um because he was so afraid that if he ever went outside he'd get assassinated um and in 2000 he was about to stand trial at the hague for crimes against humanity he just did some very grim stuff sort of the biggest one you can get done for yeah yeah yeah but then he was assassinated in a hotel in Belgrade so even there wasn't safe for him in the end wonder who got the Cadillac probably his daughter probably Anastasia Sevilla midfield and a man did he what was he just whacked like in a busy hotel yeah so so he was just sat in the lobby of this hotel and someone just came up behind him and shot him in the back of the head so Anastasia his daughter was two at the time which for old Nemanja Guledj I think is probably a good thing because I don't think I'd fancy Arkad as a father at all anyone want to knock on his front door bringing her back ask permission for her hand in marriage yeah drop it off did you say she's like a singer no so Arkad was actually married to a Serbian pop star well like a big pop star yeah that makes it even more surreal yeah I think I read that the wife was actually there when he got assassinated yeah I think she was yeah even more surreal that this guy's head of the hooligan firm mobster, leader of a paramilitary force, married to your country's most famous pop star.

18:48Yeah. Might be worth a deep dive, lad. What do you call that? Not deep enough for you. To be honest, it's very dark and quite horrible parts of it, but it is a mad life. Yeah. If you have a chance, look at his Wikipedia, it's mental. Yeah, his daughter's married to the Sevilla midfielder. Which is why we're talking about it. Now, Scottish and Irish fans aren't the only ones who are buckling in for a long summer of sunburn. Because it is Ash's Eve, boys. Tonight, or rather Friday morning, the series begins. And 40 ,000 England fans are going. Proper. To Australia. Love it. Apparently it's a record.

19:33Led by the Barmy Army, who are the slightly annoying sometimes unofficial fan legion. There's 6 ,000 of them going. it's pretty mental they started there were 60 backpackers just going going to Australia for the 1994 one and now they're like a massive company they've got five full-time employees including a trumpeter he's employed like contracted member of staff full-time he used to play with Kanye West and Beyonce and yeah he's now playing trumpet in the staff how the fuck did that end up? he's now playing everywhere we go I always thought that like I thought people thought the Barmigalm was just like a bit of an irritant but Justin Langer, who's like one of Australia's most successful players ever, he said last week, it's the biggest lesson of my career.

20:20Don't mess with the Barmy Army. Their songs are humiliating. What kind of songs do they do? Is it just so they'll compose some about the players? Yeah, I mean, they'll taunt the players. And they've done something that are quite witty in the past. But I had a look at what the trumpeter has been planning for this series. Here he is on the Stick to Cricket podcast, looking like he might have a bit of rehearsing to do. Can you give us a rendition of the Alex Carey song just so we can kind of get into the flow? All right. Carey, Carey, what did your stumping do? We're all crazy, over-discussed for you.

20:57It wasn't a sporting action, the Lord showed their reaction. But your look class upon you, from a bouncer from Woody or a bouncer from Wood from Wood and Joffra 2 yeah it rolls off the tongue mate well done starting to see why Kanye let him down softly

21:19sorry mate you're going out on loan to the Barmy Army for a bit he's played with Oasis as well I think his CV is incredible I guess trumpeting I don't know if I said to you Barmy Army trumpeter and you closed your eyes and pictured someone he would look like that yeah true he's got the Hawaiian shirt on so if you're traveling do you have to go with the barmy army or can you no no so they're like they all sit together and they do like events their christmas day lunch has got 2 000 people going fucking hell they're a big deal they are just the band or are they like no well yeah it's like they do talk the ultra yeah the ultra zach yeah of cricket they've got a lot in common with old arcana it's hard to think about that guy he runs a paramilitary unit can't you tell and are Are they like completely ingrained with the England cricket like society?

22:06Yeah. I mean, as I, we're about to hear from Higos, who does the Grey Cricketer podcast, who we had on on the Mark Bosnich episode before. And they do an excellent cricket podcast. And yeah, he gave his views on the Barmy Army and a few other bits. Hello, Higos. How are you doing, mate? Mate, I'm great. Thanks. I'm excited just to talk to you. I believe there's cricket happening soon, but I'm less interested in that. and let's just get into some patriotism, nationalism. Let's sling some arrows. Let's say things we don't really mean. But I mean, that's what the ashes should be, right? It should be emotional.

22:41It should be irrational. We should see the worst of each country. I'm ready. I'm ready. Yeah. Are we seeing the worst? I mean, obviously, we are seeing a lot of front pages from the Western Australian newspaper, which is going for the England lads in true tabloid fashion. I want to apologize on behalf of Australians for that fucking garbage. Because I forget that it exists and then every four years it just fucks you in the face with the absolute dross that is the headline. I mean, it's not even clever. We kind of want that. I think the ashes in Australia every four years is for the English psyche, we sort of want to be strapped into our cuck chair and watch our guys getting absolutely fucked from before the series begins.

23:30So this is sort of the punishment we want. I'd be disappointed if there wasn't some abuse. Do Australians feel the same? Do they sort of hate and want to dominate England in the way that we wish to be dominated?

23:45That's really good and graphic. Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, the great thing about time zones is that none of this needs to matter because if it doesn't happen in your home climbs, than, you know, like broad taking eight for 12 or whatever it was, like didn't happen because it didn't happen, you know, at the Gabba, you know. And, you know, every series loss that's happened for England and Australia doesn't need to happen because you've been asleep. So, I mean, you can really enjoy the sport how you want to these days. The tricky thing is to reveal that you're a bit too invested. Now, I know that a lot of normal people would just want a good series, but when you work in the sport, you know, and the sport being so dominated by, like, short-form, sugar-hit T20 leagues now, which is so contextless and difficult to, you know, really get up for.

24:46But then, like, the Ashes is something that should mean something to so much to both of us. but I need it to be utter dominant. I don't want this to be in any way close because I'll have a heart attack because I'm part of the face of online of Australia and we obviously put out some provocative things where we're just trying to be funny but a lot of that's just contextless to someone who wants to hate Australians because we're being silly. So I hope that Australia win the Ashes in five sessions, if that's possible. I'll just sleep through it. Yeah, that's right. That's right. You mentioned the England fans, 40 ,000 coming.

25:36I think the Barmy Army are bringing 6 ,000. How will Australians receive the England fans? How will the players feel about it? Does it even register on their radar? Yes. Well, the Australian Federal Police will be busy keeping their hands on the hard drives of the Barmiami. No. I think what the people in the media say about the Barmiami is, aren't they great and they bring great colour? And I know for a fact that a lot of people back home, you know, they feel a certain way about the Barmiami. Now, am I in a position to be the cricket police being like, well, you should enjoy cricket this way and this way only?

26:13Yes. Yes, I am. you know, the songs, the songs are good. Like what, what, what do we have? Fucking Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. I mean, Jesus Christ. But yeah, the Barmy army. Well, you know, it's, it's going to happen.

26:34That's, that's what I think of them. It's going to happen. So, you know, just embrace it, I guess. You know, they do the trumpet and stuff and yeah, it was brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, thanks so much. One last question for you before I let you go. I do need a score prediction. Unfortunately, it's going to be quite an interesting and good series, but it'll be 3-1 Australia. There'll be some rain. I think it's supposed to be like an unusually hot and wet summer, which I feel like is every summer at the moment. So I'm going to go 3-1, which is boring, but cricket is.

27:11All right, here it goes. Thank you so much. maybe we'll catch up mid-series if England aren't sinking without a trace otherwise we just won't be talking about it but for fans who aren't already into Grade Cricketer follow the Ashes with that podcast nice one Jack cheers mate Ian Higgins Grade Cricketer pod do listen to it for all your Ashes coverage he has got one of those Australian names that in an English accent makes you sound like a twat he goes you know what I mean Finn Taylor on his pod had them on and he introduced them and he was like your names are Pez and Higos that doesn't work in an English voice so I did a bit of a deep dive on Reddit this week and there's lots of Barmy Army fans that haven't made the trip over to Australia and they are umming and ahhing about where to go I can confirm that apparently there is only two pubs open in London at the moment and it is the Market Porter by Borough Market and the Grade 2 listed Fox and Anchor in Farringdon and apparently they're the only two pubs in London that are using a TENS license to open up.

28:13Just a paid ad read. Yes. So you'll be there every night, I guess. I will, yeah. Or yes, lane pubs. And both of them are lane pubs. So they've got 24 hour, because the game, the first test will start 2.30 a.m. in each time every day. So... Well, I think the other one is going to the Hippodrome because the casinos will be open 24 hours and they always have screens. I don't think that would be too bad. What, just in a windowless room, No clocks Just screens No volume Surely Walkabout Or something's open No I don't think it is So those pubs Have got 24 hours Well the last time That they had the series They were the ones open I think my plan Is to get up at 5am For the first one Do you want me to come round Yeah come round We'll have a sleepover Shall we Yeah that'd be quite nice So they start at 5am No they start at 2.30am Oh okay That's the beginning 2.30am We'll live stream the sleepover Sorry What are you Showing your head at Like time difference 2.30am would you want them to do that that's ridiculous that is ridiculous come on uh yeah it gets a bit about it for the second one i think now it's been a pretty torrid couple of years for former spanish fa chief luis rubiales so back in 2023 he was boarding a business class flight to sydney quaffing champagne with crooked fifa execs uh but very quickly it all weren't pear-shaped.

29:35So you probably know the story. Obviously, Spain won the tournament, but then at the trophy ceremony, Lewis decided, for some reason, I do not understand, to grab the captain, Jenny Hermoso, and plant a kiss on her lips like a horny uncle. It was totally out of order. But then rather than just resigning, apologizing on the spot and blaming it on a rush of blood to the head, he took the legal equivalent of thrashing around like a cornered animal he went on spanish radio where he branded his critics idiots dickheads and losers uh and called the kiss an unimportant gesture of affection and threatened to sue her most so fucking hell that's funny uh his trade to sue her um it's yeah mad not kissing him back no i think it was he he tried to say that she'd said it was yeah consensual and then it she then later changed that as a bit as bollocks anyway didn't he um didn't he grab his crotch and like thrust when they won as well yeah so they were that was during the trophy ceremony he was standing next to the spanish queen i think it was and her like 11 year old daughter and he's there just like grabbing his crotch is that a crime i suppose it changes the vibe i was on board until you mentioned the queen yeah i don't know just just not not what you do yeah um he then dragged his three daughters out to sit in the front row while he delivered this Wolf of Wall Street style speech in front of the Spanish Football Federation where he repeated the line, I will not resign.

31:07I'm not fucking leaving. Five times. I will not resign. I will not resign. His mum then barricaded herself in the local church on hunger strike until the inhumane and bloodthirsty witch hunt against her son was ended. Jesus. She was hospitalized with anema after two days. unsurprisingly it wasn't all bad though because at the venice film festival woody allen came out in support of ruby where's that come from there's some people you don't want an endorsement from yeah harvey if your business runs on five different apps 12 browser tabs and one spreadsheet that everyone's afraid to touch it's probably time for odoo odoo is an all-in-one business management software that connects every part of your business into one powerful, easy to use platform.

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