Keys and Gray: smash it? | Part one (with George Wilde)

11:40Richard Keys:so he goes he goes up at 6am drives to the bus to vote

11:47George Wilde:watches the little people it's weird because obviously he's he thinks this is so like humbling that he's telling people about it in his book. But to me, it comes across as mental. Absolutely mental. Yeah.

12:01Andy Gray:Look at these poor, pathetic peasants going off to the field. Look how lucky I am. Yeah, I can see, like, his angle on it. It's like, just make me appreciate what I've got. But it's also quite demeaning to the good people above you.

12:18Richard Keys:Yeah. Do you have to physically stare at them? you can kind of imagine don't put it in your book

12:25Andy Gray:also he's like he must be pretty high profile in Birmingham

12:29George Wilde:Andy Gray watching Aston Villa Stryker just like parked up in the bus garage he said 6am right so he's setting his alarm anyway when he's not watching the little people going about their business he likes to mix with the glamour set as well in Birmingham and like many footballers of the era there's a great way to do that opening a nightclub

12:47Richard Keys:well that's good because it means you can keep an eye on the Birmingham people around the clock Yeah, when you're leaving work, they're going to work. All those of the day, the Birmingham people.

12:56George Wilde:So he describes it as a luxury night spot with restaurant, disco and cabaret room. Right.

13:01Richard Keys:Do luxury nightclubs often have restaurants?

13:03George Wilde:Back then, I would say, yeah.

13:04Richard Keys:Is that a thing? Yeah, I think... 70s.

13:06George Wilde:Yeah, I think that's the sort of vibe, isn't it? You like eat there and then have a dark. Eat some shepherd's pie and dance to earth, wind and fire. I think it'd be sort of, yeah, prawn cocktails. Yeah, really? What's trendy in that era, like sort of... Duck and a ronge. Yeah, exactly. Pineapple with some cheese on a skewer, maybe. Very, very exotic stuff. Yeah. And drink a very like fluorescent fruity cocktail.

13:28Richard Keys:Yeah.

13:28George Wilde:So you're wondering what it's called. It's called the Holy City Zoo. Which? Sounds sophisticated. To be fair, is the name of a legendary comedy club in San Francisco. Okay. That makes, because again, like zoo.

13:39Richard Keys:Yeah. The animals. Human zoo. Yeah. The meat market.

13:45George Wilde:Okay. It's actually now Subway City, which is like a legendary. Subway City. of piss goblin fame.

13:52Andy Gray:Yeah. So what is the story there? So we came across this story. So Subway City, famous Birmingham nightclub and someone, there's like a big conversation on some like internet chat room about this so-called piss goblin who lived under the arches near Subway City. So I think Subway City overlooks a canal and there's no railway arch and people would often piss off the edge of the bridge. on the bridge outside the club and there was someone who became known as the piss goblin who would hide under the bridge and then when people pissed off would run out into their stream didn't

14:29George Wilde:people say like you could only see eyes sort of like a wolf in a fairy tale just a pair of eyes in the dark and then i think you see the the gullet open the gullet that's magnificent son What a piss!

14:45Richard Keys:What a piss!

14:47Andy Gray:You beauty!

14:53Andy Gray:That's liquid gold! That's liquid gold from me!

14:58Richard Keys:Just to be clear, there's no suggestion.

14:59George Wilde:Andy Gray is the piss copy. So it's just Andy Gray pissing in anyone's mouth or drinking anyone's piss. I genuinely don't think he would do that. Now, once upon a time, if you wanted to witness a sex queen like Fiona Richmond, you'd have to head to a nightclub. Or, you know, if you're into the really weird shit, you'd stand outside with your mouth open, waiting for someone to wee off the fire escape. But it's all online these days, isn't it? All that weird stuff. And sometimes when you're browsing your weird content online, you might not want anyone to see it. And that is where NordVPN comes in.

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16:09George Wilde:I've put the link in the show description. What I do remember from the Subway City story is people said it was actually in the previous incarnation of the club that the Piss Goblin reigned supreme. Oh, what, in Andy Gray's era? No, I think maybe there was a club in between. But it's possible that in the late 70s, which is when it opened. So it opened in March 1979. Britain is in a state of flux. You know, Thatcher's about to get in, big money, you know, loads of money culture's about to enter. It's all going to get brasher. So it's a good time to open a club.

16:39Andy Gray:You're saying Piss Goblin is a symptom of that? Oh, I'm saying Piss Goblin feels quite 80s, yeah. Doesn't it? Feels quite like...

16:44George Wilde:I guess you need the boom. You need the North Sea oil to come on stream. You need like mid-80s for Piss Goblin. This is more three-day week. Piles of bins outside.

16:54Richard Keys:Yeah.

16:54George Wilde:Piss Goblin doesn't need a nightclub. No. People are wading in it constantly. Anyway, Andy describes the club as a who's who of the entertainment world. We're looking at a picture of him with the great Billy Connolly at the bar. It's a good pick. I wouldn't have recognized Billy Connolly there. Oh, I think he's quite distinctive.

17:12Andy Gray:Do you think? Yeah, I mean, a great jacket.

17:15Richard Keys:He's also Drum Chapel. Oh, is he? I think. Yeah, I think so. He's Glasgow lab, for sure.

17:20George Wilde:Anyway, there they are. Other regular celeb guests at the club were the Three Degrees. Remember them? When will I see you again? Yeah, okay. The Drifters Jim Davidson Ross Abbott Bernie Winters and many many more

17:41Richard Keys:Again it doesn't scream luxury Well to be fair Yeah this place was the height of sophistication We had Rod Halonimo in every night Timmy Mallet was always popping up the bar

17:56George Wilde:Yeah Jim Davidson's a bit high on the list you've got some American pop groups I mean the Drifters two American pop groups I think and to be fair while we're talking music royalty Black Sabbath not Ozzy Osbourne but Giza Butler and Tony Iommi were apparently regulars

18:12Richard Keys:yeah Giza Butler big Villa fan

18:14George Wilde:yeah huge Villa fan so he obviously made a real beeline for Andy because Andy Gray is like a hero such a fun era when footballers own nightclubs you just see them out and about anyway Giza takes such a shine to Andy that he invites him out to California where Black Sabbath have rented a mansion while they record their album. This is in 1979. So either just before or after Ozzy's been kicked out of the band. Um, but it's, it's peak rockstar hell raising. So we actually, we did a Patreon two parter on Ozzy Osbourne, which I really recommend. It was so fun, proper, like ultimate rock and roll hell raising stuff.

18:52George Wilde:And so we discussed the chaos in this mansion at length, but here's a description from Ozzy Osbourne's book of, this is a few years earlier, but of the action at this California mansion. He said, there'd be bowls of white powder and crates of booze in every room and all these rock and rollers and chicks in bikinis hanging around the place. And Andy Gray.

19:14Andy Gray:And Andy Gray. Does Andy Gray partake? Does Andy Gray partake in that? He's got quite a different vibe.

19:21George Wilde:well it sounds like he didn't quite make the most of it because he recalls this in his book and he doesn't mention the the like trays of cocaine or the groupies he spends the nights in california playing an electronic memory game called simon with a girl called donna right i think i know it's like it's a bit like bop it yeah it's fucking shit like all toys of that area. We've actually got the advert for it. Actually, here's Andy's description of it. He said, it was shaped like a flying saucer and would light up in different colors and you had to try and remember the various sequences. Donna and I were entranced by this game and we spent 10 hours playing against each other.

20:02George Wilde:When we started, the music was thundering in the background as the drink flowed freely in the California night. And when we finished, all was quiet. So you missed it, mate. You missed the 70s.

20:15Andy Gray:Yeah. That is a crying shame. that of all the people who should have been at that party Andy Gray has not made the most of it yeah do you want to watch the advert for Simon I'd love to

20:25Richard Keys:what does it feel like to play Simon you gotta look listen

20:37remember

20:38Richard Keys:you gotta react repeat

20:41Andy Gray:I get the feeling the special effects are doing a lot in this yeah what does it feel like

20:46Richard Keys:I'd say all the kids what does it do intense

20:55Richard Keys:it's weird all the people in the advert were kids yeah not not footballers in their mid 20s at house party

21:03George Wilde:that advert is a really good job of polishing an absolute turd I would say it's a light up box it also made me think when our kids see stuff like that and we're trying to explain how shit the world was before the internet.

21:18Richard Keys:Yeah, but they'll do the same. Like, they'll try and play GoldenEye online. Yeah, but I think they'll look at this like we look at, like, the plague. Sure. But I'm saying primitive. You know, they'll look on...

21:31Andy Gray:Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah, what, the games that we played growing up. I'm just saying Hungry Hippos is going to look to them. Even, like, FIFA 98.

21:38Richard Keys:Yeah, true. Still, I mean,

21:39Andy Gray:compared to Simon. I mean, that is pants. To be fair, growing up in the 70s must have been shit. Bleak.

21:45George Wilde:To be fair, on our um evil knievel episode that we talked about when he has his own toy and it's vying in the toy charts and it's up against nerf the world's first indoor ball it's a ball made of nerf oh good that's that was the world's first indoor ball surely someone had thought of an indoor ball before then yeah that was the best-selling toy yeah it was millions Billion thing, yeah. Coming back to Andy playing Simon with the lovely Donna, I strongly get the impression from that that Donna is like, when is this guy going to make a fucking move? And he's like, should we play another game? Should we play another round?

22:22George Wilde:I think he said they played for 10 hours, didn't he? Yeah. Like through the night, there's this wild house party. She's like, are you going to like make a move or can I go and do some coke with Giza Bartlett? I thought you were Randy Andy. What's happened? it's rock and roll baby

22:39Andy Gray:do you think it was because Andy Gray sort of stuck his head out of the door and it was a bit like when Superhands has that house party too scary and Jeremy sticks his head right in the corner just horrified

22:53George Wilde:Ozzy Osbourne's like doing a line of ants someone's eating his shit don't worry about Tony I owe me because he's sure as shit not worrying about you I actually think that's a good theory because I don't think Andy Gray strikes me as a drugs guy no so it's probably like the safety of Simon

23:06Andy Gray:but you think with all the the girls in bikinis walking around honey gray would be all over that i reckon he did get with with donna in the end eventually once he'd finally beaten her i think

23:16Richard Keys:i was actually i actually read a bit of his book and uh he actually says that i don't know whether anything happened on the night but he said he didn't see donna again for you know years until he was on a chat show in the uk uh with the fellow guest was john hurt you know from like the elephant man so i don't know if he was promoting that john had an american girlfriend in the green room and it was donna the lovely donna lovely donna yeah and did you recognize her yeah they became friends

23:42George Wilde:i guess if you've honed your memory on a nut on simon 10 hours you remember a face

23:46Richard Keys:he probably remembers the sequence yellow red did they became friends i think i don't know

23:55George Wilde:go on if you're listening mate concerning um well anyway back in 1979 geyser butler and tony hiami fly back to birmingham nursing nobron cocaine and psychosis but andy's fighting fit and he's ready having seen seen the sort of like hollywood glamour his reflexes and memory he's ready to sort of import some of this glamour to to the holy city zoo his nightclub it's not all celebrities there it's not even celebrities he says one lady who pulled the full house was Fiona Richmond the sex queen which out of context sounds Fiona Richmond she's popped up before isn't she she was a big deal at the time she was she was like a sort of you wouldn't necessarily say porn star back then you would say porn star she did blue movies did like naked theatre and stuff glamour model and we've talked about her because and she's the porn star who got in the bath with Malcolm Allison, the old Man City manager.

24:56George Wilde:And then did he have a fling with her as well?

24:58Andy Gray:So it was when he was managing Crystal Palace and at the end of a training session, this like Rolls Royce pulled up and everyone's like, who's that? And this woman in a fur coat gets out and it's Fiona Richmond and she comes down, all the players are in the bath and they hear that she's coming down the corridor and she just strips off naked, jumps in the bath and everyone else is like, Malcolm Allison just jumps in with her.

25:19George Wilde:Straight in.

25:20Andy Gray:Yeah.

25:20George Wilde:wouldn't get in that bath if I were her they look filthy whenever you see pictures yeah well anyway she's popping up again she's super famous I guess this is a bit like Jordan in the sort of turn of the millennium so I mean she pulls a full house is that is she doing like some performance because he's got a cabaret in there like all good night clubs in the restaurant and cabaret so I think she would have done a show because I was looking up she sort of used to do like West End shows where there's nudity right okay still going Fiona Richman actually not naked at the West End I think she's 80 it's a bit like the Lion King it's been going on for 56 years straight it's like the mousetrap so Fiona Richman's there other regulars include a 20 stone bloke called Slim who Andy challenges to drink 30 pints in one night and the bloke does 36 and still calls himself a taxi home oh that's good it really is a place of high society sophistication isn't it that slightly tarnishes the Hollywood sheen that he'd given up just him at the bar with an obese bloke challenging him necking pints 36 pints yeah that's yeah perhaps there weren't enough blokes putting away those numbers because the zoo closed after two years it's hard to make money in nightclubs

26:38Andy Gray:it did open the door for the subway city and the historic place that that became anyway in the meantime Andy Gray made a big move to local rivals wolves in 1979 a bit controversial at the time it was an english record transfer fee 1.49 million um he wasn't quite living the high life though after that big move a week later a paparazzo spotted andy walking barefoot through the streets of birmingham like he's gandhi papers they basically implied that he was having a mental breakdown uh but andy had a had another explanation he said it was a hot september day and quite often in the summer when it gets really warm i discard my shoes and walk around bare feet i love it i wouldn't have expected that from him no he doesn't really have because there's a there's a certain type of bloke who walks around in bare feet and normally they're they've got sort of long greasy hair and a shark tooth

27:35George Wilde:shark tooth around their neck and i quite like a bit of bare feet but i have got longer but not

27:41Richard Keys:so I guess the papers are in uproar because one it's weird and two is it like dangerous I guess he's like a record sign in he could oh what I guess it could be broken glass aren't they just being like

27:52George Wilde:look at this weirdo I don't know I feel like being different in the tabloid's eyes back then it's like you need to be smashed it's kind of like yeah do you think he was doing it to chat up women like those guys with the long greasy hair and the shark teeth necklace they're like soft boy you know what I mean

28:06Richard Keys:I don't think it's that is it I think I don't think there's any he's not got any like I think he's just his feet were hot and sweaty and he wanted the shoes

28:14Andy Gray:I mean he's the king of Birmingham really he's done well at Villa and now he's over at Wolves so

28:20Richard Keys:yeah it's a bit of a flex isn't it yeah either that or it is a breakdown Alan Partridge driving to Dunby in his bare foot

28:29Andy Gray:he does put his boots on from time to time though although at Wolves it's a bit of a mixed bag really he actually he scores the winning goal in the 1980 League Cup final, but Wolves also get relegated while he's there. They do get promoted back to the top flight again before Andy joins Everton in 1983.

28:49Richard Keys:So I got, yeah, I got, hang on, he's must've just left Villa when they were just like on the up, right?

28:57Andy Gray:Yeah, I think they won a couple of trophies at the start of, they won the League and the European Cup after he left. So yeah, they won the European Cup. It was, yeah, not the best time to leave Aston Villa, although perhaps he paved the way for the success, stepping out of the way. He did have quite an eventful time off the pitch at Wolves. He met both his first and second wives during his four-year spell playing for them. The first was the lovely Vanessa, who we mentioned before. But he says that they drifted apart and split after a year.

29:31George Wilde:Is that not the one he cheated on four months after? He had a child with someone else four months after marrying her. They drifted apart, Jack. They drifted apart.

29:39Andy Gray:That's what happens when you drift apart. Yeah, you do tend to drift apart after you go back to your childhood sweetheart and have a baby.

29:45George Wilde:To be fair, I don't think he knew about the baby with the childhood sweetheart until years later. Oh, okay. But he knew he was shagging. He knew he was drifting towards her.

29:55Andy Gray:Yeah, they were drifting. Anyway, at that point, he met his second wife, Janet. it. He said things were difficult for her at first because I was still married to Vanessa. That is difficult.

30:07George Wilde:That will be difficult, Andy. Meanwhile, Richard Keyes' broadcasting career. I'm sure you're wondering what's going on there. Well, it's going from strength to strength. He's only 27 when he bags a job presenting Good Morning Britain. I have to say, I didn't realize it's been going for that long. So he's the face of ITV in the morning you switch on your telly with your cornflakes and there is ann diamond a young lorraine kelly and richard keys and here he is interviewing a young mariah carey i think that's

30:37Richard Keys:fabulous mariah carey who's with us on the program this morning tremendous a little bit brenda russell as well i thought thank you i don't know if that's a compliment or otherwise but i think she's marvelous she is great writer and michael bolton i know favorite of yours and mine you've sung with michael have you yes i have it was my first kind of live thing other than background vocals that the norm convention in um actually in la and they sort of like put me out there for my first time to do a duet with michael bolton who had just won a grammy and everything so it was kind of intimidating and keep singing live because there's nothing quite like it is it no no i would never live sing the boys from wet wet wet said the other day let's try and turn these charts upside down get some good traditional songs back in there and that one is fabulous it's a vision of love by mariah Thank you for joining us.

31:22Richard Keys:Thank you. Good luck you're on the way home today. Thank you, yes. Thanks for that. Thanks a lot. Keep up the doodling. Promise me one thing,

31:30George Wilde:you'll keep playing live.

31:32Richard Keys:And then also, when he gets, pipe dreams are good. In a way.

31:36George Wilde:Also, I think holds his, holds his gaze on her just a fraction too long.

31:40Andy Gray:There's something in the voice as well.

31:42George Wilde:He also doesn't let her get a word in fucking Edgeways.

31:45Richard Keys:He's talking the whole, whole way through about other artists.

31:48George Wilde:Yeah, the bit when he goes, as the boys from Wet, Wet, Wet said, let's turn these charts upside down. Let's get some good traditional music back. Is that a reference to like rap or like glam rock or something? It feels like those connotations there. He just wants like proper just sing at songwriters back. Yeah. I can't imagine him being much into the avant-garde. It's really good. He's moaning about it to Mariah Carey. Kind of interesting seeing her like pre-diva stage. She's quite shy.

32:15Richard Keys:Yeah. Yeah. See interviews like that and you're like, yeah, I understand why she's a diva now.

32:21George Wilde:hang around with blokes in there smash it

32:28George Wilde:do you think he was bawdy even then like do you think he's in his head he is thinking smash it

32:36Richard Keys:no i don't know he's like sort of i feel like he matches his environment or tries to match his environment yeah i can't i imagine lorraine kelly gives the phrase hanging out the back of it

32:45George Wilde:short shrift. I can't imagine. Or do you think

32:48Andy Gray:Lorraine Kelly's a bit like, oh, you boys. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think if Andy Gray had been beside him on the sofa, that interview could have gone quite differently. Yeah.

32:59George Wilde:Well, fortunately, the pair have yet to meet, but they are on a collision course because while Richard is lighting up the Good Morning Britain sofa, Andy is tasting glory at Everton. So we're getting into sort of like mid to late career, but arguably his most successful phase. So he scores the winner in the 1984 FA Cup final and then wins the league and the Cup Winners' Cup with Everton the following season. Because this is that great Everton side in their absolute pomp. The best team in the country. So yeah, he's doing the business and experiencing real glory. He then goes back to Villa and his playing career does start to wind down.

33:36George Wilde:The injuries are taking their toll. There's a season at Rangers who he supported as a boy where he wins the league, which I think is one of the highlights of his career for him. But by 1990, he's ready to retire. Hangs up his boots. And you have to say, that's a very good career. Yeah. Very good career. International career, slightly less glistening. Okay. He got 20 caps, but no tournaments. In an era where Scotland played in a lot of international tournaments. Yeah. 78 World Cup.

34:05Richard Keys:He played three World Cups in a row.

34:07Andy Gray:He was ahead of it. Kenny Dalglish.

34:09George Wilde:Yeah, but Kenny Dalglish was a slightly different player, wasn't he? Yeah. But it's a fucking amazing, it's a great era of Scottish footballers. like Sue Ness, Dalgleish, Alan Hansen. Yeah. Well, maybe it's because he doesn't get on with Jock Steen, the legendary Scottish manager. So Andy tells the story of his last ever trip with Scotland, where they sit down for a team meal and they're ordering and everyone orders soup apart from Andy, who orders a prawn cocktail and Jock Steen's on his case immediately. He goes, you're from Drum Chapel in Glasgow, laddie. What do you know about prawn cocktails?

34:40George Wilde:You'll have soup like the rest of us.

34:43Richard Keys:you've been hanging out with that Jim Davidson haven't you

34:46George Wilde:that fancy Dan

34:50Richard Keys:that highfalutin Ross Abbott

34:53George Wilde:I've been hanging out with that emu fella and that 30 stone bloke

34:58Richard Keys:you've been hanging out with Slim

35:01George Wilde:to be fair prawn cocktails were fucking trendy weren't they

35:04Andy Gray:yeah that was the height of sophistication wasn't it

35:06George Wilde:yeah it's hot again like what what is that now it's like hispy cabbage or like what burrata was like five years ago. It's that like trendy food. So yeah. Anyway, he had soup in the end and that was the last time he played for Scotland.

35:23Andy Gray:Luckily, that was the last time he played for them.

35:24George Wilde:It was his last trip. I think he was at the end of his career anyway. There's no suggestion he got his career was destroyed by having a prawn cocktail. But luckily for Andy, there is a much more glamorous future ahead where he can have as many prawn cocktails as he wants.

35:40Andy Gray:He certainly can. So after retiring Andy, he keeps himself busy doing a bit of punditry and really begins to make a name for himself. And when Sky Sports land the rights to the brand new Premier League in 1992, Rupert Murdoch decides to make Andy his first pundit. And he joins up there with a little known broadcaster by the name of Mr. Richard Keyes. It's the birth of Keyes and Grey. Yeah, I love it. Is there a first meeting that we're aware of? I don't know actually

36:10George Wilde:I don't know if it was on set or it'd be good if one of them had a description so far our eyes locked open over the studio

36:16Andy Gray:I mean it really does become one of the the real bromances of broadcast a pregnant silence finally broken by the words smash it how old are they? so Keys is 35 Andy Gray is 37 and I think you have to emphasise how much of a new era this felt like Sky were pumping money into into the Premier League and they had this new sort of glossy slick exciting coverage felt like they were finally flicking the switch from this quite dour like British Pathé era I mean it was post that but that type of coverage

36:53George Wilde:it's that like grey low morale post war yeah not gloom but just like a bit budget everyone was knobbly we talked about the knobbly to smooth change in football before this was it

37:05Andy Gray:they were they were finally we were finally seeing football in glorious Technicolor, bells and whistles of reverse angle replays and all that sort of thing. Yeah, what were they?

37:16George Wilde:They had cheerleaders, didn't they? Which they swiftly got rid of. Sky Sports. Well, the Prem had it before games. Oh, okay. Right.

37:22Andy Gray:Yeah. I think it was like, yeah, it was like reverse angle replays and sort of post-match analysis with, you know, actual like visuals on the screen.

37:32George Wilde:And also just like a more energetic way of talking about stuff that wasn't a bit like, well, Jimmy Hill, well there's three fresh men and three fresh legs it became quite like and it's live yeah there's

37:41Richard Keys:like a passion injected again going back to undergray's but we'll get into all of this sort of stuff but i'm pretty sure there's a bit in his autobiography where he uh mentions the sky sports cheerleaders or the premier league cheerleaders and he's like yeah me and keys used to get down early to watch him practice just to okl them yeah again setting his alarm early just

38:03George Wilde:to watch people going about their jobs. But also, I think they were just putting more games on TV, weren't they? Yeah. It was just like, thank you. Yeah,

38:11Andy Gray:and it was exciting. So Keys later recalled this area. He said, we were the new kids on the block taking on the BBC, which was the mainstream. We were like a small commando unit going in to blow things up and get out again, making waves, small wins, inch by inch. It was great fun. Youthful bravado will probably always win out.

38:31George Wilde:There's a lot to unpack there. I mean I think it sounds fun and that's probably kind of accurate that you're like the buccaneering new guys shaking shit up yeah they're not like the underdogs though are they are you saying yeah they bought the TV rights for 150 million pounds they're not like you can't really self mythologise that Rupert Murdoch pulled off a a merger with the SB a youthful bravado as well Alan Sugar was pumping out Amstrad unit

38:58Richard Keys:Andy Gray was almost in his 40s

39:00Andy Gray:but it was like they were taking on the institution of the BBC. They were the new kids on the block. And I think Richard Keyes was really good at it,

39:08George Wilde:like many sticks with which to beat him. But he was really good at just like, in quite a calm way, making the game sound like it was going to be exciting. And like adding a bit of narrative. I think like that, I don't remember this that clearly, but reading up on the change before Sky, they basically said these guys at Sky Sports quite early, like invented the idea of like the race for top four, the relegation fight, whereas before they weren't in TV, terms you didn't get that much like chat about the league narrative in the same way obviously

39:36Andy Gray:the title you're probably wondering what a commando would wear for their first ever premier league broadcast behind enemy lines that is of course a yellow jacket oh wow it's very that's

39:48Richard Keys:keezy i think he looks rather snazzy he's almost wearing when did the mask come out yeah you're right it's around carrying the mask he's got the exact set i'm wondering if this inspired that right It's right around there, but I think it'd be a bit, it'd be like 95. I guess The Mask was a comic book.

40:05George Wilde:I saw The Mask at the cinema and I'd be too young to have, yeah, for two years after, just saying. What's the thing he says? Somebody stop me. You did have to stop him in the end, actually. Yeah, it's a bit like math teacher who does stand-up comedy on the side.

40:22Andy Gray:It looks like when they first invented color TV and they were just, everything was like, they just needlessly made everything like intensely colorful. He's got quite a jazzy tie on as well. Yeah, I was trying to work out what it is. It looks like maybe he's got like a pelican or something on his side.

40:37George Wilde:I don't think he ever repeated the yellow jacket, did he?

40:40Andy Gray:I haven't seen any other things. He did definitely tone it down in the later years. In some ways.

40:46Richard Keys:Again, it is very partridge. Yeah, it's very partridge, that jacket.

40:50Andy Gray:But the coverage is a massive hit. Andy Gray on commentary becomes one of, if not the most recognizable voice in football for the best part of 20 years. We've got a couple of clips of his iconic commentary lines here. So this is a, it's a Steven Gerrard scoring a Champions League winner against Olympiakos in 2004. Last minute.

41:11Richard Keys:He's trying to stay cool. Miller, lovely cushion header. For Gerrard! Young you two! What a headshot! What a head! well you take a tap in in these circumstances

41:35George Wilde:oh it's such a fucking good goal as well i mean that's what makes it is it's such a good goal last minute winner as well and then what what a bit of punditry i feel like that's become one of

41:47Andy Gray:the iconic lines of commentary if you're ever you're ever sort of playing commentator yeah what the hit son what the hit

41:55George Wilde:yeah and even Martin Tyler there as well you realise how good he was yeah and this one as well

42:01Andy Gray:perhaps even more iconic this is his this is his commentary on a beautiful chip from Robert Perez for Arsenal

42:09Richard Keys:his teammates are back in the half way line Martin they're just standing applauding there I mean to get right in Boateng was impressive enough but to have the the cheek the audacity and the ability to finish it off like this. Take a bow, son. That's brilliant.

42:28George Wilde:Take a bow, son. Take a bow, son.

42:29Richard Keys:Take a bow, son.

42:31George Wilde:Yeah, I also always remember the way he pronounced Essien. Used to really enjoy that from Michael Essien.

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43:52Andy Gray:He was obviously, he was also a commentator or co-commentator with Martin Tyler on FIFA. Yeah. The games, which I think really cemented his legend for a generation of...

44:02George Wilde:Yeah, because even if you didn't have Sky, you were hearing him loads. Yeah. He was so fucking good. He was an excellent commentator. I really don't think the Nevels and Carragers, while they have their merits and they've never... trying to get your tits out of their colleagues, they don't hit those levels of like conveying the ecstasy of the moment. To be fair, Gary Neville's conveyed

44:23Richard Keys:a very real ecstasy. He did orgasm on air.

44:26Andy Gray:True. And that was good. I think the only one who comes close now is Ali McCoyst. Ali McCoyst is my favourite pundit, I think. Do you think he does that bit well? I feel like Ali McCoyst really conveys the fan reaction, but puts it into words so well. He really captures that astoundment when you see a great goal. I think Gray did it better than anyone. Yeah, I think so. I think I agree. Keezy, probably less iconic, but he was a smooth operator. He really nails his role as host, has these very chummy relationships with the ex-pros that play out on screen. He does it well. Does occasionally wind people up, like the Coventry manager, Ron Atkinson, who just endured a disappointing result and had to face up to Keezy after the game.

45:16Richard Keys:Ron, the bottom line is you've lost, you're running out of time, you're below the drop line Where next for Coventry City? How can you get out of it? Tottenham on Sunday, Saturday, that's next, that's next But you have to show, surely don't you, a little bit more than there was evident tonight You may say that, we don't think so, you know Richard I'm sorry, you can sit there and look and play with all your silly machines as much as you like I'm manager of a football team, I'm an experienced manager Yeah, if the boys hadn't done enough, I'll whip them But I ain't whipping him for that tonight. Who won the Man of the Match Award?

45:48Andy Gray:Dave Bezart won the Man of the Match Award.

45:49Richard Keys:Oh, sorry. So he must have played not bad then. Thank you very much, lads. See you later. Okay, Ron. Well, thanks for joining us. Appreciate it. The bit.

45:58George Wilde:For people listening, the bit at the end there where Ron takes off his headset and throws it in anger and it hits Jeff Shreves in the face off camera and you see Ron suddenly run to apologise and it just cuts. Great.

46:10Andy Gray:But he does like that. It's a very interrogative approach, I think. Way back in the shit we enjoy now. Because like when, like they often did those sort of interviews with Gary Lineker on Match of the Day afterwards. And it was always like when there was a manager who'd lost a game, Gary was always like very, very sort of sensitive. Which is boring.

46:30Richard Keys:I've got a feeling that he was only that interrogative at that point because he's a commentary city fan though. I think that's funny.

46:36George Wilde:And Andy Gray was, because Andy Gray served as Ron Atkinson's assistant manager briefly before he took the Sky jobs. So he was mates with him. Ron Ack is a funny, funny character. Yeah, we did. Until the end. We should maybe do an episode. But I do think that is capturing a golden era in terms of relationship between media and footballers where you can still have those Aggie interviews instead of soft-soaping them out. Yeah, it's gone too far now. And the managers are just blokes. Do you know what I mean?

47:03Andy Gray:Even in his 90s pomp, though, Keyes did occasionally get caught out by a hot mic. So we've got a clip here of him giving his verdict on Scotland's Euros qualifying win against the Faroe Islands, where he goes in a little bit harshly on the Faroe Islands ground.

47:18Richard Keys:...on the last two occasions that they've played them, but they are better now. This is what happened when they met this time around. Match commentators, former Scotland winger Davy Provin and Bill Leslie. Nay promos, can't be asked. That's it. See you. Come on.

47:36Richard Keys:Yeah, see you. Daft little ground, silly game. Fuck off. it's like the mask has slipped for the focus the mask again jim carrey's the mask but that's the

47:49George Wilde:first time in this like rise to the top you've sort of seen him be a bit nasty yeah he's a bit nasty isn't it no promos come on fuck off daft little ground yeah perhaps that little slip-up

48:00Andy Gray:taught richard a lesson to ensure that his image on screen was as pristine as possible because this article popped up in the Evening Standard not long after. Sky Sports presenter Richard Keyes has had a makeover to ensure he stands up to the unforgiving scrutiny of high-definition TV. But it was not unacceptable levels of facial wrinkles or bags that have been attracting attention. It was his hairy hands. With more fans ordering high-definition set-top boxes and flat-screen TVs, his bosses are thought to fear the distinctive Keyes crop could put viewers off. fans who had noticed his hands were on the hushute side had already nicknamed him werewolf in his latest appearances Keyes's hands had been remarkably smooth and bare have they just concocted that story based on looking at a before and after yeah I think so there's one more line it was thought the 49 year old presenter has had them waxed or lasered no doubt a painful procedure considering his hair once went all the way to his knuckles oh yeah we're looking at before and after yeah Was that hair in the top one?

49:06Richard Keys:Yeah It looks more like veins to me No he had hairy hands

49:10Andy Gray:I do like the idea of his Sky Sports boss He's pulling him in near a meeting And be like Richard we are going to have to sort out the hands

49:16George Wilde:It's like they've got the latest HGTV And they're like Richard Have a look at this What do you see? Or just them walking past Curry's

49:24Richard Keys:Being like Shit Richard we're thinking you should lose the gloves For the next Oh god

49:33Andy Gray:but while Richard could hide his hairy hands there was one Neanderthal trait that Keyes and Grey could not disguise their Stone Age views on women and there were a few warning signs early on so there was one time they tried to analyse highlights of the 1998 Women's FA Cup final and had a laughing fit the whole way through I've watched that video the football is bad the football is bad he's off to his words there's there's there's just like long periods of silence where you can just see that they've like flicked the off switch on their mics while they're just like on the floor um perhaps worse though was the incident 2007 when andy gray was caught leering at women on a spanish golfing holiday uh we've got this story from the tabloids here and i think i'm just quite a piece.

50:29Andy Gray:So the headline is Randy Gray, which they've moved on from Randy. Drunken footy pundit Andy Gray shamed himself on a golf trip by swearing loudly in a posh hotel and leering at a string of women. The former Everton Ace could be banned from the famous La Manga Resort in Spain because of his behaviour. Gray paid a whopping 20 grand a week by Sky Sports, kicked off his drinking binge at 5pm on Saturday downing pints of lager with pals in the reception area of the hotel. The rowdy group then moved on to a plush bar within the complex where they stunned guests by belting out football chants and swearing loudly.

51:09Andy Gray:At 9pm, the group went to the front of the hotel for a cab to take them to a restaurant. Impatient Grey then yelled at a stunned concierge, Eh, signora, where's the fucking taxi?

51:25Andy Gray:Where's the fucking taxi

51:31George Wilde:That's amazing I would pay good money to see someone in a hotel yelling

51:38Andy Gray:Where's the taxi Fucking now Fucking holly up

51:46George Wilde:I'm only ordering Taxis from now on El fucking taxi off

51:54Andy Gray:It's a It's a great line Obnoxious as it is It is a funny line It actually gets worse from there though The stunned concierge

52:10George Wilde:It's the fact it's like a luxury resort Topless singing football chants well we got away with it in my luxury nightclub so also you're way too famous to do shit like that

52:22Andy Gray:in public yeah it does get worse what he's up to in public because they are continue from the article when the group returned at 11 p.m to carry on boozing other guests quickly moved away because of their foul language gray then accosted his first female target of the night he said you got fucking great tits but not as great as mine

52:45Richard Keys:Jesus Christ what a tat it's because he's doing it in my head he's doing it in his sky take a bow lass

52:53Andy Gray:take a bow lassie what a tat

52:58Richard Keys:you beauty

52:59George Wilde:that is unbelievable stuff oh no so does he say that's his opener to her you've got great tits but you're most great as well yeah that is not alright Jesus Christ

53:12Andy Gray:it says but when he tried to kiss her she stormed off and was heard telling a pal he was so obnoxious he's a complete arsehole which sounds accurate I think she's nailed that undeterred Grey tried his luck with another girl but she quickly moved away as he slurred his chat up lines you've got great hug your hips

53:32Richard Keys:oh beauty it's in

53:37Andy Gray:oh Jesus An onlooker said He was paralytic He could barely stand He thought he could Could have anybody Just because he's Andy Gray But he came But he came across As a pathetic But he came across As a pathetic Drug old pervert Not a form of football

54:05Andy Gray:That was also a great line And he came across as a pathetic, drunk, old pervert.

54:10George Wilde:Can you imagine opening a newspaper? You know when you're like, I think I embarrassed myself a bit last night. He opened a newspaper.

54:17Andy Gray:Pathetic, drunk, old pervert. It's hard to imagine a worse thing to read about yourself.

54:22Richard Keys:All press is good press.

54:25George Wilde:Even when you're a pathetic, drunk, old pervert. We've read a lot of funny old tabloid stories, but that's right up there.

54:34Andy Gray:Yeah, it really is. says grey grey later slumped on the sofa at the piano bar looking tired and bloated bloated as a needless joke

54:44George Wilde:bloated

54:45Andy Gray:looking tired and bloated and bold he was pathetic but he soon perked up when another woman sat in the back the couple began canoodling I'm surprised she's late oh what he and the woman apparently so but the woman resisted when grey tried to kiss her as she left desperate grey followed and tried in vain to persuade her to go to his room. Oh my God. What's canoodling if you're not kissing? I don't know. Just flotative sort of arms. Yeah, he's...

55:16George Wilde:I mean, he's got his tentacles around you. Yeah, he sounds like a sweaty arm. He's bloated arm. Yeah.

55:24Andy Gray:He's pathetic, drunk-off perverts. Got his arm around him. You be a dick! I think the canoodling was one-way canoodling. Well, they can't make us out otherwise for a bit, briefly.

55:34George Wilde:brave of him to continue his yeah so when they said leering I originally thought this was gonna be a story about him staring but it's sort of more like I'm sure there was a lot of that going on as well he slumped in the corner looking bloated have his mates left him at this point I don't know I don't know whether there's anyone else there I kind of get the impression his mates aren't that pissed and it's just him when he's ordering el fucking taxio yeah he's just the one barking at el senoro and senorio and then when he's like complimenting women on their on their tats it's all just him yeah there's no richard keys there richard keys is not there although i'm pretty sure he would be well on board with all that sort of stuff i've always thought those golf resorts in like spain look quite hellish but wasn't expecting that you've got your proof starting to think

56:28Andy Gray:so obviously that that caused a bit of a stir for andy gray did it i don't remember as in like did he get much shit for it? Well, I mean, I mean, it's, it's all over the tabloids. I mean, he's kept, he kept his job. Yeah. Um, it didn't, didn't stop that, but he wouldn't hang on to it for that much longer because there is a far bigger scandal about to break.

56:50Richard Keys:Yep.

56:50George Wilde:And on that bombshell, we have reached the end of part one. Andy Gray and Richard Keys are on top of their game, but the winds are about to change. The banter years are about to be consigned to prehistory because a series of videos is about to destroy them. And those videos do show them at their absolute worst, you'd have to say. We're going to watch them all, including one in which Andy Gray somehow outdoes the scandal we've just met in terms of the phrases he uses. It is fucking insane. I'm looking forward to that video. Join us in part two is we see the pair destroyed by these hot mic videos and we'll pick over the fallout, dissect it all, and then the recovery.

57:41George Wilde:Because episode two is all about bouncing back. This is the high-performance podcast of Richard Greer. Bouncing forward in many ways. So Keys and Grey will decamp to Qatar, settle some old schools with their enemies, and of course, indulge in plenty more sex scandals. Can't move for them.

58:00Andy Gray:and finally we will answer the big question smash it so join us in part two you'll have to wait a

58:07George Wilde:whole week or you can listen right now by joining a club more exclusive than the holy city zoo more seedy than the 90s sky sports studio it's the upshots patreon just go to patreon.com forward slash upshot towers sign up you can listen to part two instantly i think jim davidson's a member is in yeah there's no fiona richmond or black sabbath but maybe jim scrapes in there's certainly a lot of uh 20 stone blokes who can drink 30 pints if you poke them enough so you can listen instantly over there otherwise we'll see you for part two it is an epic tale see you then thanks a lot no promos silly little pod Buckle.

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