Ruben Amorim: we are the worst team in Man United history

30:35He was seen as this revolutionary who was going to bring United back to where they belong. And it took, what, two years? 18 months. Yeah. Yeah, they've turned against him. There's also a story in Pop Bitch around this time about Dave Brailsford, who's Ratcliffe's sort of weirdo sports guru. He brought him with him from Team Sky, the cycling team. He's basically a bit of a yes man for Ratcliffe. But this story comes out that apparently Brailsford would potter around Carrington telling people, I don't need to be here. I live in Monaco. I'm just here for you guys. Fuck. Which, yeah. He's got quite sinister energy of that thing of like, walks into a room and everyone falls silent and he's like, no, I'm just, just carry on.

31:20I'm just watching. Yeah. And then we'll suddenly just start screaming at everyone. Supposedly, I think it was Team Sky when he was the head of the cycling team. He used to lock them on the team bus for bollockings that lasted hours. Yeah. Wasn't there, there was a story when he was at Nice that he was living in a caravan on the training ground. Yeah. As well. He's an intense character. Yeah. It's nice to know he's upgraded to Monaco. Yeah. anyway Amarim rounds off the month by turning 40 I think it might be a bit of respite he's not really getting in the birthday spirit though he tells the media it's not 40 it's 50 after two months at Manchester United I'm 50 he's just hating it yeah he's like openly being like this is shit he's not having a naughty 40 birthday party is he it's weird actually he's so young as well yeah Like Tom Heaton, the third choice goalkeeper, same age.

32:15So it must add to the strangeness of it. Anyway, we are into February at this point and the defeats keep on coming. They lose to Tottenham, at which point Amarim tells the press, my job is so hard. And then reports surface of a familiar problem with overseas recruits to Manchester United. The press say that Ruben's wife is sick of the wind, rain and dark nights in northwest England. To be honest, I think when you move there from Lisbon, you sort of know what you're signing up for. Surely you could have a little Google on the weather conditions. Well, I think it's almost like infamous in southern Europe anyway, being like, you know, in England, it's like dark at 3 p.m.

33:04in the winter. So I think you know to expect it just like we do, but it doesn't stop it. The reality hits. A bit like joining Man United. Yeah, apparently she's just pining for a move back to those sun-dappled cobbles of Lisbon. It can be like 20 degrees in February there. To be fair, that is a rich tradition, as I alluded to. I mean, most famously, Angel Di Maria's wife described it as a shithole, Manchester. And David de Gea's girlfriend said, Manchester looks like the back of a fridge. That's a really good one. I like it. My other favourite was Nolito, the Man City, winger who said that he was like my daughter's turned grey it's like she's been living in a cave she's literally Chernobyl style like we need to get her out of here she's got a scurvy rickets

34:01not since the dark days of Walter Crickmer's regime of Manchester ball base players and rickets yeah living in a cave i mean it's if you're not used to it the english winter can be quite bleak on the pitch united are slipping down the table so they're sort of hovering around 15th 16th there's annoyingly there's not much feeling they're going to go down because the three teams in the relegation zone are proper way off the pace but united are the next worst and despite all that, they do put together a bit of a run in the Europa League where they smash Real Sociedad in the last 16 and get into the quarterfinals.

34:42So, you know, that's more than something to play for. You know, it's a major European trophy. It's a Champions League spot. Like that would be a pretty good result, you would think, if they won that. So what inspiring words would Ruben use to rouse his squad before the quarterfinals? He told the press, people look at this competition as the only competition that can save our season. I don't see it like that nothing can save our season just before you're about to go into battle just even if we do yeah you're still fucking shit I won't respect you no one respects you I don't know why you bother this is the moment I think where the candid tough talk starts tipping into just plain depressing yeah you've got to give them something to be excited and also I still maintain that had they won the Europa League that season it would have been a successful season yeah it's a major trophy yeah I mean Tottenham fans they finished below United they did sack the manager but still I think Tottenham fans probably look back fondly-ish on that season just because they hadn't won a trophy in such a long time maybe I'm wrong it is a very confusing scenario because as you say the final is Man United v Tottenham who occupy the 16th and 17th spots in the table the lowest non-relegation places I mean they are the two shittest teams outside relegation spots.

36:02Even Sean Dyche shawns the pylon against Man United, against Ruben Amarim at this point. He says, I reckon if I went there and played my way, we'd win more games. Just 4-4-2. Because it's, that's the talk throughout this. It's like, stop the three at the back. Yeah. Maybe it's right. I think he probably would win more. Yeah, I think, I mean, it's tried and tested really, isn't it? Yeah. Anyway, so this final comes around. It's branded as Bilbao or Bust. These two teams who can only save their season with a win. They both jet out there and United proceed to lose 1-0 in one of the worst European finals of all time.

36:38So there's nothing to salvage from the season, which must have been a hell of a hangover for the United fan who earlier that day had stripped naked and danced on some scaffolding in a town square in Bilbao. We're looking at a clip of it now. I'll link to it.

36:55Yeah, he's got socks on. He's climbing up, yeah, like a scaffolding. and he's sort of posing that's someone's dad someone filming it just goes that's someone's dad I yeah I feel like at these European finals someone's got to do it yeah I've got absolutely no no issue with it it's great more of that if anything it's better than fucking throwing plastic furniture at some poor cafe owner who's done nothing wrong victimless crime that apart from for his kids yeah apart from for his kids and any other kids to go to school the next day without going around social media so United finished the season 15th without winning a back-to-back league game for the first time in premier league history so it's comfortably their worst season we i've been for a while sort of saying you know i didn't need to go down and that was the season where i actually looked like maybe it would become a reality they this was a properly we've had seasons where they're 10th and where it's all been quite bad but this is next level yeah i yeah i i do love saying this to many United fans that you just can't go down.

37:59It's such an annoying, they do patronizing thing that big club fans say to you. But it's true because they need to wipe the decks clear and have a season where there's zero expectation. The expectation is part of the problem. Needs a reset. Anyway, the relegation doesn't pan out, but it's a fucking shit show. And I think he should have gone there. I think they should have just been like, this clearly doesn't work. To not win back. No United manager has had it that bad where they haven't even had like the brief flickers of positivity yeah not even correct me to make matters worse United have to pay Adidas 10 million pounds Adidas are their kit provider and because Man United have missed out on Champions League football for two seasons they owe a kickback to Adidas that is bleak because obviously like they've they've lost out on a lot of money by not being not qualifying for European competition so not only that but they're also getting fined for it yeah it's painful stuff and at this point United Strand looks like this we're looking at a picture of him it's day 227 he's no longer the Yorkshire Ripper it's really grown out sort of full on microphone yeah sort of is it Bee Gees sort of I would say at this point that anyone with hair that long walking down the street people will be staring you'd notice yeah you're going to be getting looks sadly though at the end of that season there was no break from the hamster wheel for Ruben and the gang because they jet off straight after the end of the season to Kuala Lumpur for a miserable post-season tour of the Far East.

39:32So the whole thing starts off with this 1-0 loss to ASEAN All-Stars. They're then dragged over to Mumbai to promote their official tyre partner. It's just all this bullshit. The tyre partner. If you want, in microcosm, the slight misery and soullessness of modern football, is in that sense. Yeah. Yeah, being a professional footballer is so glamorous until you've been playing twice a week for the entire year and then it finally gets to the end. It's like, oh, it's the holidays. Now you go to Mumbai. 14 hour flight. You've got to go and shake hands with some continental execs. The tour definitely takes its toll on winger Ahmad Diallo.

40:15So he's filmed coming off their team bus and there's hundreds of fans clamouring to get a sight of their players. we've got shirts up to sign getting their phones out for selfies and Ahmad just gets off the bus gives them all the middle finger and just walks off I rate it yeah can you imagine they've been waiting in the rain for like four hours to see them I think it's quite rock and roll to be fair Ahmad Diallo is probably not the one you're waiting for yeah I think did it not transpire that he'd been insulted in some way I think there was a reason maybe it's fair enough then surprisingly uh alejandro garnacho was on this trip despite having a big bust up with amarim after the europa league final so he got subbed off and i think through a bit of a hissy fit and apparently after the game amarim screamed at garnacho in front of the whole squad you better pray you can find a club to sign you oh so it was over there and then yeah yeah but just still decided to bring him to malaysia before you do that do you mind meeting our official time.

41:19He might have just decided that bringing Garnaccio to Malaysia and sticking him on a 15-hour economy flight sat next to Rasmus Hoyland was punishment enough. I'd rather be next to Hoyland than Garnaccio. The world moves fast. Your work day, even faster. Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. Microsoft 365 Copilot is your AI assistant for work. built into Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and other Microsoft 365 apps you use, helping you quickly write, analyze, create, and summarize so you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work. Learn more at Microsoft.com slash M365 Copilot.

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42:38Like wrinkling your toddler into their car seat. That was fun. Coaching your sixth-grader soccer team. Go girls! And carrying all the groceries in one trip. Try Quaker Protein instant oatmeal, granola, and bars. Great taste and a good source of protein. Quaker. Bring out the good. I think now's a good moment to ask about this thing with Man United falling out with their, like, young stars thing, because it's not like he's the first. No. like I mean famously Jadon Sancho would be the most obvious example with Ten Hag but like there's just been ever since Fergie this thing of these young players come through it's exciting and then it just goes fucking sour but I feel like for years United more than any other club will have a young player who comes through and will play well for five games or something and they literally put them on a pedestal like they're going to be the next Ronaldo and Yana Zay was the only one yeah but I feel it feels like basically every year one of them comes three so i don't know if that like sort of goes to the player's head a bit or you're blaming the players no i'm not blaming i'm not blaming the teenager no i'm blaming i'm blaming the the culture yeah i just yeah i don't i don't know the answer but um i think united fans always seem like they they really know and they'll be like yeah these players don't want to play for the club and i just think someone like marcus rashford that is not true yeah like it's possible that he's like got some other stuff on his mind or is falling out with the manager but like you don't know it's just funny because they're always like true United DNA is like all about promoting young players but actually for the last 15 years the DNA has been all about like trashing them yeah over promoting them like you said yeah but yeah Garnaccio I mean Garnaccio is evidently a bit of a bell end so I don't you can't blame it but he was really good for them he was I always think he was a bit overrated there was a spell where after Bruno he was their best player early Ruben yeah yeah but anyway there's actually another good clip of Garnaccio on that tour doing some kind of meet and greet and he looks bored out of his mind he's just yawning and yeah he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else yeah they all look look pretty bored yeah I saw really I just saw Bruno Fernandes in the background there and it's just reminded me that guy Rufus Rice his podcast they I saw a clip from it on Instagram they were talking about what Premier League footballers like look like their real job is.

45:08And there's someone in the comments said that Bruno Fernandes looks like the bloke who gives you a nod to tell you you can go down a water slide.

45:21That's very good. The clip was really good. I can't remember. They were saying some really funny ones in there. Mainly that Florian Verts look like a crackhead. But there were a few other really well-observed ones. Yeah. What does Garnaccio look like? he looks like Garnacho works in Game Station yeah yeah they actually went for similar they said Garnacho looks like the guy who repairs your vape it's the same Game Station similar font yeah anyway as the misery tour rolled on the players they got made to do this open top bus tour through Kuala Lumpur which it's got to be the first time that a team has finished 15th and trophy-less and done an open top bus tour there's a good clip of it so they're going through basically empty streets blasting out Glory Glory Man United and the bloke filming the video is just laughing there's no crowd there's nobody there there's no one there I mean I guess there would be sections where there were more fans it's an empty street he's the guy the best part of that video is the guy just pissing himself yeah that's amazing yeah god that must that must have felt really shit why are they making them do open top bus parades if no one's even there yeah um anyway they do eventually get home at which point ruben wastes no time with falling out with even more stars generally just tanking his squad's value so rashford anthony jayden sancho returned from their respective loan spells and amory puts them along with garnacho and tyron molassia in his so-called bomb squad so the five of them get segregated from the rest of the squad they're instructed to report for training only after 5 p.m.

47:09Once Amarim and the senior players have left. So you're not allowed to see them. Yeah. Not even allowed to. I wasn't noticing that they're not even allowed to pass them in the training complex or anything. Mental. It's like they've got leprosy or something. Yeah. Although quite a nice life. No nothing till five and then probably just come in and use the gym or something. Yeah. I suppose. Yeah. But I don't know it's really just like once you fall out with him you are dead yeah you're just yeah you're either in his good books or that's it um you gotta feel especially bad for tyro malasia who was the only member of the bomb squad who didn't manage to get a summer move he's still there still there yeah yeah um brutal yeah still though out with the old and in with the new and united give ruben 216 million to spend on new players, including Mateus Cunha and Brian Mbwemo.

48:04Who's been good? He has, yeah. Sesko. Sesko less so. Bit of a mixed bag. That's a lot of money. Yeah, but you've got to back him, haven't you? Yeah. I mean, they sort of signed three players in the same position though. Like Sesko, I know that Serksy and Hoyland didn't do well last season, but just bought, yeah. one of my mates who's a big United fan in a WhatsApp group said we've now got the best front three in the league it's like why do you guys always do this this hubris yeah but like I remember thinking that at the time the way they were hyping up these players it's like Kunio and Buonamo are good but like they were playing for Wolves and Brentford it's not it's not like signing someone from like Barcelona or yeah you could see there was some optimism they're very good players sadly the new season kicked off with a defeat at home to Arsenal.

48:59So it felt like more of the same. That left Ruben with a Premier League win percentage of 24.1%, which is the exact same percentage as Neil Warnock, who got relegated twice from the Prem. That is low. That is terrible. So actually, his Premier League form is worse than his overall form. But still, there was room for United to fall further. And on the 27th of August, they reached possibly their lowest ebb since Alex Ferguson left. Possibly their lowest ebb ever when they crashed out of the Carabao Cup to League Two Grimsby. They were 2-0 down. They came back to 2-2, showed a bit of fight, and then they lost on pens.

49:37I can believe that this happened on the 27th of August because I was watching back some clips of it the other day. Do you remember it was just in driving rain? It looked absolutely miserable. It looked like a cold January day. It was 27th of August. I think that was when Ruben Amaroop's wife decided this life ain't for her. Is this technically summer? But it certainly wasn't an Indian summer for Ruben. So yeah, they lost that game on pens. It was a bit of a shit show from poor old Andre Inanna, who that was the final straw for him. He was shipped out to Trav's Onspor after that, where he won man of the match on debut.

50:11Real kick in the teeth. Although probably the lowest point of the whole thing was the image of Ruben Amarim fiddling around with his magnetic tactics board in the drizzle. We're looking at a picture of it, which I'll link to. This is kind of the iconic pick, isn't it? It's iconic, yeah. It drew comparisons to Steve McLaren with his umbrella. Yeah. They called this the force with the board. It's difficult to come back from that really, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, it's Grimsby. Don't be seen panicking about tactics. There are some really good memes of it though where they swapped out the tactics board and he's playing Operation Battleships.

50:45I think there's one where he's doing United Strand's hair as well, isn't there? He's like cutting it or something. It's proper lowest ebb stuff now. It's like not even Walter Crickman is getting knocked out of the League Cup. yeah yeah by Grimsby so we've reached rock bottom pretty much at this point I think they should have just sacked him there and then and to be fair Amarim's not exactly doing himself any favours in the press he gives an interview saying sometimes I hate my players and sometimes I love my players sometimes I want to quit and I don't love my players I sometimes hate my kids right what are his kids coming into well I've is he just trying to justify it I've slightly taken it out of context where he basically says like yeah I'll sometimes I'll say I hate my players and something you're going to hear both from me like that's the kind of guy I am so like you know some days are good some days are bad but it's just like don't turn on your kids as well don't bring them into this um back in the league he's replaced Andre Onana with Altai Bayandir who also struggles in goal just nothing nothing seems to go right they do then get Serge Le Mans who's who's actually been pretty good right yeah yeah one of their better players um but at the point where Bayandir hasn't worked out reports leak out that senior players have taken Ruben to one side and begged him to pick 39 year old third choice goalkeeper Tom Heaton now Tom Heaton's had a long and kind of interesting career as mainly as a sort of replacement goalkeeper but at this point he hasn't played since letting in two goals for Man United's under 21s against Barnsley and that was a year before so it's not I mean he's just mascot really he's doing the Scott Carson role at Man City yeah at least Carson's getting some medals but yeah it is that role you're almost a coach I guess yeah you can see why the players might think that's probably a safer pair of hands although Ruben it's safe to say isn't keen on the idea so he's asked about it in a press conference and his face just immediately crumples into a look of shock when when he's asked it and he rules out that idea so no no role on the pitch for Tom Heaton but yeah meanwhile all of these guys who hadn't worked out Old Trafford.

52:48All this dead wood that Ruben had cleared out over the summer that had given United fans all this optimism. These guys are thriving at other clubs. So I mentioned Andre Anand as man of the match on his first game. Rasmus Hoyland and Scott McTominay are at Napoli. McTominay's just been named player of the season at Napoli. They've won the league. Hoyland scores on his debut, I think. He's done pretty well there, I think. And then Marcus Rashford starts banging them into Barcelona. Do you remember? but he scores a screamer against Newcastle. It's just all of these players who left, it was like they're just not up to the Manchester United standard.

53:23Yeah. And then, like Scott McTominay, now they'd buy him back for like 100 million now. And Rashford's clearly good enough and loves United. It's a tragedy. And as for Ruben, in September, he achieves another accolade. It's announced that he has the worst record of any non-relegated team in the Premier League since he joined. So it's, yeah. I mean, the Optus stats, I have to say, really, really do add something to the whole saga. To be fair, they do then experience a bit of an uptick in form. This is autumn 2025, so only a few months ago. Ruben is sticking to his 343 rigidly, despite everyone saying, look, have you just considered tweaking this tactic?

54:06It has not worked. Surely a year's time is enough to say, okay, let's just try it. Also, he's now had like, what, two transfer windows to get in players. Yeah, to make the system work. And also, it's pretty rare that anyone makes three at the back work in the Premier League, right? That's why everyone's so allergic to the idea from the start. But he is resolute. He announces that not even the Pope could change his approach to the game. Which is quite a serious promise. And to be fair, it does actually look like it might pay off at that point. Because for the first time since Amarim took over, United win three in a row.

54:42it's actually the first time they've won back to back but he actually does three on the bounce in October 2025 they beat Sunderland Liverpool and Brighton good teams yeah yeah yeah and that's all looking quite good but then everyone starts saying fuck United Strand yeah yeah there was there was talk then about who's he gonna get to cut his hair when when it happens because we were saying would it be it would be really fun if Amarim cut his hair yeah which I think he's not up for that sort of joke I don't think he would have taken well to it but yeah he was genuinely talking people were saying like oh what's he going to do next he's got to cut his hair his beautiful locks but fortunately one thing you can rely on is man united to deliver and in their next game they drew with sean dyche's forest so the street was over and frank illett was back do you think sean dyche introduced 442 to ruben amarin after the game have you seen this yeah well funny you mentioned that because come december ruben finally caved boxing day Newcastle not Ruben Amarine promised not even the Pope could make me change my mind but it turns out Nick Pope could actually not sure if Nick Pope was playing but Lewis Miley could and he switched to a back four and it worked 1-0 that's a good win was there ever a justification for it no did they have injuries I don't know yeah no but it was quite sudden yeah and it worked and it worked so naturally the next game against Wolves he went back to three at the back and drew against a team who were on course at the time to be the worst Premier League team ever.

56:11They only had two points at that point. So yeah, I mean, anyway, three at the back doesn't work against Wolves, but he sticks with it against Leeds, who they draw with. Meanwhile, he's sounding off in the press. He starts making announcements like, you know, I would only change my formation for good if the board backed me with transfer funds and I've realised that's not going to happen, which is a bit rich when you've had 200 million in the summer. And then he says, I'm here for the next 18 months that's when my contract runs up and then I'm out of here basically that's the gist of what he's saying so it wasn't a huge surprise when on Monday the 5th of January Man United announced that Ruben Amarine had departed as head coach he left with the worst win ratio of any Man United manager ever 32 % 32 % what was Walter Crickmer?

57:00Walter Crickmer managed 39 % even he even Walter and he fed the urchins at Christmas every year meanwhile Ruben's gone 32 he's also got the lowest clean sheet ratio of any United manager in the Premier League era 15 % 15 % is so low that is terrible yeah does happen when you only have three defenders safe to say that Ruben's not that bothered despite all that this we're looking at a picture of him when he left he basically he was pictured for the first time after the setting leaving his house in Manchester with his wife he's got sunglasses on huge grin he looks like the fonts he's like pointing and there's that video of him high-fiving a paparazzi Yeah, he looks over the moon.

57:36Yeah. Also, I think, like, is it snowy or just frosty? He's dreaming of, he's going to be back on the streets of Lisbon any second, isn't he? Yeah, and to be fair, he's trousered a 10 million payout, which is not bad. Yeah. Like, you're set for life. That means the total cost of hiring and firing Ruben Amarim was nearly 27 million pounds. God, the disabled support is... association could be off in a yacht around the Mediterranean right now. Yeah, the club historian, Cliff Thorburn, could be re-hired. I'm pretty sure the Disabled Supporters Association figure that they cut was like 30k or something.

58:15Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mental. Yeah, and he's moved on. It's become a bit of a tradition that these United managers leave smiling. Yeah. Which is, it does just have something to love. Just a relief, yeah. Weirdly though, I still feel like he left with some goodwill from United fans. maybe that's credit to them I suppose for sort of sticking by the manager in a way because you're like you look at Thomas Frank at Tottenham and they're getting booed off the pitch every week he's only been there for like what's less than half a year yeah I mean maybe United fans listening can let us know but it seems like the sense is he isn't the problem it's the club and he gave it a good go he tried to do it differently so yeah it's odd but you've got to pick your villain each time was he the worst Man United manager ever?

59:02I mean, yeah. Yeah, like you look at the stats like that, there was never any time that they looked good, really. Europa League run? Yeah, maybe, I suppose. I don't know who they played on that run, but I don't think they were, yeah. I don't know if they were particularly impressive, really. As a, I say neutral, someone with quite a lot of schadenfreude towards Man United, was this the most enjoyable managerial stint in the post-Vergia era? the end of Ted Haag also was pretty enjoyable this is the thing it keeps on every time you think it's hit rock bottom they get their pickaxe out and dig even deeper the sort of Mourinho van Gaal ones ended I didn't find it that fun it was obviously I was enjoying the Man Utd falling down the league but it wasn't as fun whereas the Oli and a Solskjaer one the Oli's at the wheel era where fans was taunting them by singing it was very funny but I liked him and I think they should have kept him yeah Ted Haag was funny but I think Ruben Amaroum it was like every time he opens his mouth it's going to be funny yeah yeah yeah it's just we are the worst team ever yeah and they were yeah it's great alright well bring on much more yeah join us in about six to nine months when we'll bring you the story of Darren Fletcher's ugly stint I'm looking forward to our episode in 2074 when Kai Rooney's just stepped down the United Strand is there his hair's down to the floor when Kobe Maynou Jr.

1:00:29is in line for the role. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a while. Right. When do you think Frank Illitt is going to cut his hair? What day? United Strand, that is. I think December 2026. You think this year? Yeah. I think it's going to be two, three years. Do you think? Yeah. But who knows? I think they could get some kind of new manager. I don't know. To be fair, they'll be in the championship in December 2026. So it is more plausible. Will they be playing in the Papa John's trophy. So it's going to be easier. All right. I think that's all there is to say on it. Apologies to any United fans, but hopefully you could enjoy the humorous side of it all.

1:01:12We will see you next time. If you enjoyed this and you still can't get enough and you want to hear the rundown of all the funny goings on around the appointment of the caretaker manager at Man United, will it be Solskjaer or Darren Fletcher, plus all the other funnier stories in sport this week, then you can listen to extra shot on thursday by joining the upshots patreon go to patreon.com forward slash upshot towers pretty excited for that because we've got a story about some people injecting their penis for doping purposes we've got a tale of neymar's latest bond villain move it's basically it's all the it's all the it's all the best stories from this week yeah so if you fancy that join our patreon uh and otherwise we'll see you next time thanks a lot Cheers

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