Smugglers, syphilis and a Neymar’s farmyard orgy: the wildest stories of 2025

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1:23This winter, everyone is all on the same team. Comcast, proud partner of Team USA We are a quarter of the way through the 21st century By this point, fans were expecting cup finals on Mars and flying F1 cars Instead, we got penis pumps and a major syphilis outbreak in a top flight dressing room And now, it's time for us to crown our favourite moments of 2025 as we dish out the only gongs more worthless than the FIFA Peace Prize coming to you pre-recorded from a windowless studio at Upshot Towers. It's The Shotties. Hello. Welcome. My name's Jack. Hi, Zach. Hi, Jack. For the final time. For the final time ever?

2:10Well, no, just this year. Just this quarter of a century, yeah. We've got Elizabeth Barnard here with us. Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be back on. Thank you. Bookending the year, really, because we started with Michael Richards. That was around January, I think. Yeah, it was February. February. very popular episode very popular guest well thank you as we were saying before we came on one of the comments the next the next episode was i wish what was it i wish the woman was i wish the woman was on this episode i didn't know women were funny until the micah richards episode so i really have done quite a lot for the glass ceiling this year i think yeah the woman's back i didn't know women were funny until this so whoever wrote that comment has gone through their entire life you're the funniest woman they have ever encountered in their life thank you yeah it's quite a compliment if you haven't known the michael richard's episode do listen it's an absolute bona fide classic but here we're here today to talk about 2025 and we're gonna dish out some awards lovely you guys ever won any any major awards or minor school ones um i don't i actually don't think i have to be honest like we're all a bunch of nerds like we all won awards in school it's kind of embarrassing like i don't have the minerals to compete with these guys yeah why are you saying the french the french prize doesn't count yeah form prize does not count i was like george cooper our colleague uh who sometimes sometimes on the pod he two years in a row in his football team he won most improved player you gotta ask how low was the base you're still improving yeah I've won a pub quiz or two this year so yeah true you have you're a prolific pub quiz winner I know this has been something of a secret for a while but was one of those pub quiz wins not in which you were the only team I don't think we need to go into details you were dining out on the pub quiz win and then basically came clean to me that yeah it was yeah I couldn't keep it in any longer it was a net session

4:13it was like that game of fifa that guy from the it was it is it the cook islands who lost like 36 nil to australia do you know what i'm talking about yeah and uh oh sorry it was the goalkeeper he was the goal he was sorry it was like the worst defeat american samoa is the worst defeat ever they lost about 36 nil to australia and then 12 years later a journalist tracked him down and he admitted to the journalist that he still goes on fifa sets up australia versus western samoa not even his country but closest thing and then unplugs australia's um controller and just bangs in goal after goal i understand yeah you will not is that you want the pub quiz at home with google just yeah yeah yeah absolutely i replayed the questions afterwards yeah um well yeah we're gonna dish out several awards here if people aren't familiar with this well you've seen an award show before I'm sure you'll work it out.

5:03Should we get into it? Let's get into it. Let's do it. So we're kicking things off with a brand new category this year. It is the Upshot Peace Prize. No, not really. We know who won that. No, it is in fact the Neymar Award for Sordid Shenanigans. Much more, much more upshot. There used to be a Neymar Award for Dysfunctional Families, I think. Yeah, there was. Yeah. Yeah. So this award, I mean, the clue's in the name. It's the most sordid shenanigans of the year. And our first nominee is a seven-time winner. A man so prolific in this category that they renamed it after him. It's the man himself, Neymar.

5:46Oh, he's defending his title. He's defending his title, yeah. And, you know, it was a relatively quiet 2024 for Neymar, but this year he's been back to his best. he ruled himself out of a game on his sister's birthday for the 10th time in 11 years la decima he also somehow managed to worm his way into the inheritance of a brazilian billionaire that he's never met but there was one sordid act that really stood out to the panel and that was neymar attending a farmyard orgy with his old man it was it was a it was a plush farmyard it was like a sort of ranch villa ranch in brazil makes it sound like he's literally rolling around a pigsty so this this was back in march i'm sure you'll remember neymar's helicopter was spotted landing at this ranch outside sao paulo where witnesses saw his dad shepherding in a bus full of escorts and several of those escorts later went to the press and reported that Neymar himself had been there.

6:52One actually claimed to have had a threesome with him. Fortunately though, Neymar had a ready-made excuse up his sleeve. It was not him at the party. It was in fact his dopey doppelganger Aigon Oliveira. Got a pick of them here. Look at a pick of them. He's a good doppelganger. He's a good, he's a good as those lookalikes go. He's not bad. Is it because Neymar is sort of like, you almost recognize him from his like dumb hair and tats and like as much as his actual face yeah i mean it's a it's a good lookalike i think i think i got olivera sounds like he should be like an expressionist painter in austria or something not like it's such it's such an odd life isn't it being a being a lookalike yeah i mean i i kind of understand how you would have thought that was neymar if you were at a party yeah yeah yeah i mean it does raise several questions really because there's there's obviously a definite likeness between the pair of them but then you ask the question why would Neymar's dad invite a look-alike of his own son to an orgy and also why would Neymar's look-alike have keys to Neymar's helicopter yeah I quite like the idea that Neymar's dad actually spends more time with his look-alike like this year well what are you him for Christmas this year and he's like oh we've got we've got I got Neymar's with his mom so I've got that's the best thing he actually gets most of his business from Neymar's dad um anyway at the time we polled our newsletter readers on whether they thought it was Igon or Neymar at the party 77 % of them uh believed it was Neymar himself uh what do you guys think i am with the newsletter readers i think it was namar i think the newsletter readers are very wise but obviously i don't want to say anything that would be um you know libelous so obviously it's icon yeah i think it's namar no question i think it's a useful saddam hussein had like a body double i don't think he used him for this sort of thing probably did actually surely you'd want your body double to be doing going like giving it working at a soup kitchen giving out food for the homeless in Sao Paulo or something.

9:07I thought it was basically to reduce your chances of getting assassinated, isn't it? Like the traditional sort of 80s dictator body double. I suppose, yeah. But for Neymar, it's more cover up your sword. Which is like, when you want to do as many orgies as Neymar, you can't cover them all. True. Sometimes you've got to send the understudy. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, Neymar just misses out, partly because of this, you know, the seed of doubt on whether it was actually him. But a strong nominee anyway. next up is sort of his protege in a way another tricky not him uh a another a tricky brazilian winger it's real madrid star vinnie jr and he makes the makes the list because back in october a brazilian model by the name of anna silva branded vinnie a sex maniac on national television so she said he kept sending me dick pics he just wanted sex talk that's all uh she also claimed that vinnie cancelled holiday they had booked in marbella because she refused to rope in a friend for a threesome which is not that's not good form from from vinnie no um but the grossest bit about the story well a lot of it but like kept sending dick pics yeah surely after one or two you're like seen it from every angle.

10:27Not getting anything back. It's Upshot Rule 37. They're always unwanted. Always unwanted. Unsolicited. Why is there ever more than one? That's what I'm really asking. Yeah. Maybe there's like a floppy one. It's like one of those flick books of like a cartoon. You could DIY that. It's like how Wallace and Gromit's made, isn't it? It's like 10 ,000 photos and each time Wallace just moves slightly. The trousers slowly going up onto the ceiling. Probably. Yeah. Fortunately, we haven't had access to them. No. Sex Maniac is a fun. Yeah. In modern day football, you don't meet many. No. Hats off to him.

11:05There's another one coming up. Anyway, Vinny did swiftly apologise, which means that he misses out on the big prize. So he's admitted to it by apologising. It would appear so. Maybe he had to apologise to booking.com for the Villa in Mavere. Should have just sent a lookalike. Yeah. True. Vinny does have a lookalike. Does he? Yeah. They've all got lookalikes, all these. elite people. I've never seen a Phil Foden. Is he not famous enough? I don't think Phil Foden is quite bigly. Well, there's that cat, actually, that looks like Phil Foden. Phil Foden. Which is incredible. We'll link to it. Does, like, Grealish have one?

11:42I bet Grealish's one is rubbish. Just a bloke with, like, the hair. Yeah. Producer Teddy has pulled off an absolutely unbelievable... It's actually not bad. is it I think it really looks like him yeah but it's a it's the tight top and muscles thing that Grealish does why is his top so tight well it's Grealish isn't it I think he wears quite loose t-shirts that's just an Essex boy isn't it yeah I think they look really similar let's see it that guy showed me around the flat recently but yeah Vinny and Neymar missed out on the prize which means our winner is saucy wonderkid Laminia Mal hey there was only really ever going to be one winner for this category.

12:24It was a big year for him. He's really burst onto the scene as one of the stars of the upshot. He turned 18. He turned 18. Congratulations. Yeah, yeah. So it was a big year outside of that. He was frolicking with porn stars on jet skis, developed a nasty case of discomfort in the pubic area. But most of all, and the reason he makes the cut is of course because of his infamous 18th birthday party. So it was a gangster-themed bash. Lamine was dressed in a white suit with a red rose and his lapel, a diamond encrusted cane. We're looking at a picture of him and his two friends. Yeah, it's Pau Kavassi on the side.

13:02Oh, sorry. It's got a little bit of school prom energy. Yeah. A little bit Bugsy Malone. Yeah. I definitely see like a load of 16 year olds who've gone and taken that photo just before they go to prom. Yeah. It's quite sweet. yeah very sweet unlike what happened next it gets less sweet because after the party the Spanish model Claudia Calvo popped up on a TV news show and said TV I call it a gossip show Spanish model Claudia News call it news come on stick by that Newsnight I think it was Newsnight yeah Panorama I was asked to attend Laminia Miles' birthday party they offered us between 10 to 20 ,000 euros to go, but I don't know exactly what they expected from us.

13:53They were asking for blonde women with very specific chest dimensions. We couldn't take our phones. You want to take your phone. That's sort of why you go, really, isn't it? Yeah, but even just like... Some basic safety. Yeah, exactly. Oh yeah, 20 grand's come to your party in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Sign an NDA, leave any way of contacting the outside world at the door. Yeah. How specific are these, when they see specific chest dimensions, Are they sending them bra size? That does sound weird. It's very strange. That's a 14-year-old boy's idea of party invites, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry, I assume that this sort of thing happens through some sort of party planning agency to give it a friendly title.

14:33What are they doing? Yeah. Well, Claudia added that they specified they were looking for models or escorts and that they need to be available for 24 hours. That's the seediest bit. Yeah. 24 hour required. because until then I was like 10 grand to go to a party yeah I have spoken to people who are in that sort of like instagrammy model thing and they they were like um you you get offers to go to a party and you are just there to like be fit in a room as in there's no obligation that's the opportunity I'm sure yeah like um I swear we had a screenshot sent into us of a message that somebody received it was like one of these it was an insta-hotty basically who got approached to attend a party in dubai with it was like shake man's party yeah that's what it said um could be a scam the very specific chest dimensions that's the thing that i'm thinking of like you know you know they vary bra to bra yeah it's like what are you actually saying it's like when you're it's like when you're ordering like a Christmas turkey and you need like a specific size to feed to feed the the number of people we've got coming but it turned out that paid escorts with large bosoms weren't the only maybe they were small let's not discriminate it could be anything yeah any specific specific dimensions they weren't the only controversial guests of a specified size in fact because Libby also hired a troop of, I think the time is, little people.

16:13We've got a video of them arriving here off a bus, it looks like. There's so much press outside, isn't there? Yeah. Look how much press there is. One of them was interviewed, wasn't they? One of the performers. Because what were they asked to do? They apparently were serving drinks, doing magic tricks. There was no, like, tossing in the worst of the sort of mid-naughties rugby boy vibe? no I think it was just there was an interview with one of them who was like it's a good gig make decent money please don't try and like stop us doing this kind of thing it's my livelihood yeah yeah that's my balance for you yeah I mean don't knock it I mean knock it if you're the one booking it but yeah knock it they're free to do as they please sorry why have I dragged you down this path let's go I think we actually it's great when we go into moral justifications and things yeah anyway I think that all of that makes Laminia Mao a very worthy winner of this year's name name our shield congratulations to me yeah it feels honestly like yesterday that he was crying about his girlfriend dumping him when he was 16 so to come so far yeah in a year that's wonderful that's amazing she didn't dump him she sat on another boy's knee and my favorite detail of it was the boy was in the year above oh that's gonna hurt well he was off you know winning the euros or whatever he was doing yeah because at that point he was the sort of kid with braces who was he did feel like a little boy quite shy and this summer was his blossoming yeah so worthy winner i feel like neymar's antics were grubbier i think the thing with lamina it's like it's kind of almost like a rising star award in some way so he's got places to go that boy and i for one can't wait to see it.

17:59I'm so excited about what he can do in four years when he hits his prime. Actually, on the other end of the spectrum, before we move on, I'd like to announce a Lifetime Achievement Award in this category for another Brazilian striker, Mr. Hulk. Mr. Hulk. Who finally tied the knot with his niece this year. Mrs. Hulk. Mrs. Hulk. Formerly niece. They actually got married this year. Yeah, so they, I mean, this is, Upshot listeners will surely be familiar with this long-running saga that he uh he left his wife and then for her niece for her niece they're not blood related but he is she is legally his niece was was was now legally his wife um you know the like um groom speech at weddings when they're like my wife and i would like to that and everyone cheers would have been good if he'd been like my niece and i yeah well well done Hulk lifetime achievement award and he's still going still playing still kicking it really hard which is his main strength right next category poor bastard of the year you know in a world of six figure salaries it is hard to sympathize with the megastars of the game but there are some people who's suffering deserves acknowledgement and that's what this award's all about first nominee in this category is the doctor at Bocca Juniors, who, despite not working in a Victorian brothel frequented by gin-swigging dock hands, did have to deal with a major syphilis outbreak at the start of the year.

19:37So this is back in January, three Bocca players tested positive for Miss Syph, as it's known, among pirates. Yeah. When was the last syphilis outbreak? I think 18, 19. when Nietzsche died you don't hear of it much I do remember Adrian Mutu had it oh true you're right but yeah it's quite an unusual one you don't hear of it much I thought it was particularly unusual for that to happen in January yeah quite hipster really also like most of us are firing up Strava sort of pretending to like Lucky Saint and they're just out getting syphilis maybe it's a hangover from December yeah true good point the symptoms don't show for a couple of weeks.

20:21Yeah, the doctor's closed over Christmas New Year. Doesn't it? You eventually go mad if it's untreated, I think. Isn't that what happens to Nietzsche? I think when this doctor signed up for, you know, you become like a, you decide you want to become like a sports scientist, a physio at a club and you're imagining giving like thigh massages to Carlos Tevez and Edison Cavani and then you end up swapping his cock. analyzing the discharge from hosing down Marcus Rojo yeah I mean I actually think it's more like you do like six years of medical school or whatever and then you join a football club and you're like oh it's going to be like experimental use of like hyperbaric oxygen chambers and like going to that one doctor in Canada who can reconstruct meniscuses and then the reality is this it's we in this tube please Mr Cavani it's a pretty thankless task and he had to swab the entire squad and coaching staff.

21:20Oh, God. All of them. Wonder how wide that net gets cast. Where do you, which, where does the swab go? Have a guess. It ain't your cheek. Yeah. I think, I don't know, maybe syphilis can be done via urine. It's been a while since I got checked. But yeah, I was wondering the whole coaching staff, like, you're doing the kit man, groundsman? How wide does the net go? Because you do want to eradicate it at the first. How is syphilis, is it only past, sexually transmitted. I think blood as well, but I don't think there's a heroin problem at Boca Juniors. No, but I mean, there might be a bit of blood to go around the dressing room.

21:55Yeah, that's the kind explanation. Anyway, none of the players we've mentioned were the guilty parties, I should say, for legal reasons. But I don't know who they were. Anyway, poor old, poor old doctor. I believe he's got it under control. Good. Hats off to him. Anyway, his thankless task is nothing compared to what our second nominee endured. which is the mother-in-law of Sunderland's Brian Broby. So Brian, before he joined Sunderland, he was at Ajax, where he was actually the victim of a really horrible extortion plot in Amsterdam, which we talked earlier this year about it. He basically was at a music festival when this criminal called Piccolo sidled up next to him, got talking, and very quickly made clear that he wanted 150 ,000 euros in protection money from Brian, or he was going to terrorize him.

22:44and Brian refused at which point Piccolo began his his campaign of of hate it was actually really horrible Piccolo sounds like quite a cute name though doesn't it yeah children's cartoon is there a am I getting mixed up but there's like a coffee there's a tiny coffee tiny coffee it's like a cortado but smaller yeah yeah also it's like an espresso with a little bit of milk yeah do you think this bit will make the edit possibly maybe I sometimes like the most boring part yeah Yeah, so I mean, it was actually genuinely really horrible, like some of the ways he attacked him. But it wasn't all bad because he did put fireworks in Brian's mother-in-law's letterbox.

23:26You know, it was a bit like an old Les Dawson stand-up joke. I saw a bloke putting six fireworks through the mother-in-law's mailbox. A neighbor said, aren't you going to help? I said, no, six should be enough. That's it. yeah it turns out not everyone gets mother-in-law jokes um because we we posted a tiktok video what i will say is everyone on instagram found it funny on tiktok i don't know people younger yeah they're very earnest on tiktok yeah yeah well they were this time so we literally had so many comments being like what's funny why are you laughing about the mother-in-law oh this is hilarious isn't it there are a few more like sarky ones like great joke lads really funny and then there was one where there were a few actually where one of us replied being like it's just like a British American joke about your mother-in-law it's just a joke and then there were loads of replies being like I am British and I still don't find this funny one of them said this is funny until it's your mother what kind of culture is that the mother-in-law joke didn't land everywhere that's why I am the poor bastard is it just like these Gen Z you know yeah I think it's they're you know they're a bit up to high they don't on their zero percent yeah I mean I love my mother-in-law but it's a funny joke me too but as a Gen Z you know as the representative of Gen Z on the show I understand the like sincerity but I do think you know when you're young you're often just quite like sincere and you know you take everything quite personally and I get it but obviously yeah I think they just haven't heard they certainly haven't heard of les dawson but like they haven't heard the sort of yeah enough yeah um they don't have mother-in-laws probably yeah no also true anyway never mind all that because our poor bastard of the year is of course neither of those nominees it is the german non-league referee who was bitten on the balls by a small child probably remember this story uh the child in question actually was one of the players from the match uh so basically the the referee was just mid-game and a toddler wandered onto the field.

25:34It was one of the player's kids and bit him on his left testicle. He described it in his match report. He actually made it sound quite terrifying. This is how the ref described it. He said, it came closer and closer to me. It came closer and closer to me and suddenly and completely unexpectedly bit me on the left testicle. It. Yeah. I like that he specified the left testicle as well. Yeah. He is right testicle, so. It was good. I've got a lot of questions about this story because why did the referee not just move away? Like it's a child versus an adult. Do you think it's just... Coming up for like a hug.

26:14I don't know. I don't know. I think if the child is coming up for a hug and you're refereeing a game, surely you're sort of moving slightly. I reckon Charles wandered on and you're like, all right, we've got to stop play because the toddler's ruined it. And then you're like, oh, well, I'll just probably pick him up or something. He's coming closer. What was he supposed to do? Shun him? I bet he wished he did. Fair enough, fair enough. But you would never in a million years expect to be bitten. I wouldn't expect that from a dog. But actually, the pain was so bad, he had to call off the match. Oh, God.

26:46It doesn't bear thinking. But yeah, probably all worth it to win the golden bollock from us. Yeah. Of course, yeah. Yeah. I think there's obviously the pain must be quite bad. I can't really imagine. I've never been bitten there. but also there's got to be an element of you of being a bit like it looks a bit weird for me that like my bollock has made contact with a child in that way i need to sort of like make a big deal out of this do you think that's it yeah i'd be worried i was looking a bit noncy yeah no uh i don't know if i'd have that i do think it is like one of the top one most humiliating injuries so like bollock obviously embarrassing bitten embarrassing child oh that is embarrassing true yeah match abandoned being a referee embarrassing like it all kind of fits together in this i like congrats to the golden bollock you deserve it do you think this is how the bocca junior syphilis outbreak do you think it happened as well yeah child yeah uh yeah possibly from a bit and bollock yeah because then you've got blood blood and um uh before we move on and i think we should uh i just wanted to give a special mention to talkie support liaison officer Paul Bastard who he wins Paul Bastard with the year award congratulations yeah shout out Paul that was a great name do you think he's like it's pronounced Bastard

28:09get in the game with the college branded Venmo debit card wreck your team with every tap and earn up to 5 % cash back with Venmo Stash a new rewards program from Venmo no monthly fee no minimum balance just school pride and spending power get in the game and sign up for the Venmo debit card at Venmo.com slash college card. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank N.A. Select schools available. Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Max$100 cash back per month. Protein is now at Starbucks, and it's never tasted so good. You can add protein cold foam to your favorite drink or try one of our new protein lattes or matcha.

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28:54This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge. Nice choice hitting up this podcast. No surprises. You're all about diving into tastes everyone in the room can enjoy. Just like White Claw Surge. It's for celebrating those moments when connections have been made and the night's just begun. With bold flavors and 8 % alcohol by volume, unleash the night. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard seltzer with flavors. 8 % alcohol by volume. White Claw Seltzer Works, Chicago, Illinois. All right, now I'd like to change pace a little bit and take a moment to remember those that went too soon.

29:29In many cases, quite literally. First up is Arsene Wenger's legendary assistant manager, Pat Rice, or as their French players called him, Patrice. So back in January, we were shocked when former Arsenal man, Emmanuel Petit, appeared on Monday Night Football and announced that Pat had passed away. And so was Pat. He was alive and well and watching at home. He saw it live. I think he did. Yeah, we've got a clip here of Petit announcing it. I have some memories of him, you know, screaming. He had some fights sometimes with Pat Rice as well. Rest in peace, Pat. Rest in peace, Pat. Manny Petit looking quite Legolas.

30:17He is, yeah. quite impressive out of there it's stylish isn't it yeah in a weird way kind of skinny grey jeans yeah I think it's great anyway after quickly checking his pulse Patrice phoned in to Sky Sports and gave the good news to host Dave Jones that he was alive and well and sending his best wishes to Emmanuel it's the way he points to the sky as well God rest his soul Next up I would like to remember The legendary Bulgarian footballer Petko Gantchev So back in March Petko flicked on the TV To watch his old side FC Arda Kazali And saw The players In a circle Standing in the centre circle Holding a minute of silence The cameras then cut To a black and white Photograph of him up on the big screen.

31:17And he later told a reporter, when I heard the terrible news, I poured myself a small brandy. So the club did later clarify the mistake, but Petco apparently spent the entire evening on the phone to destroy friends and relatives, assuring him that he was indeed still alive. Yeah, that's probably the most annoying bit is suddenly everyone thinks he did. Yeah. Because people always say about like how you would want to attend your own funeral. to see how loved you were and stuff. But this, you don't really get the loved bit. You just get the minute silence. Yeah. See how silent everyone was. Yeah.

31:52I guess you work out who your real friends are when you announce that you're still alive. And the people who are like, oh my God, thank God. And they're like, oh. Oh, you are. Oh, right. Oh, okay. Oh, sorry. Put the champagne. Can I get that 30 quid back? What's more surreal? seeing your old team doing a minute silence on the pitch or seeing manu petty dress like that i like really can't stress enough for everyone listening on audio how much he looks like lego yeah look it up it's just the way it's tied i guess but yeah what's more i guess the minute silence is more sort of like um solemn yeah because you'd see the silence and then you'd be like surely not and then you'd see the photo like oh that is actually me yeah everyone can picture that like the black and white photo like it's slowly panning the photo on the big screen yeah um but most surreal of all i think was the incident that happened to 22 year old atletico san martin fan over in argentina who returned home from a five-day bender upstate and interrupted his own funeral that's more surreal is a very strange come down i think so So unbeknownst to him, he'd been declared dead.

33:08So it was actually quite a tragic story. Another guy in his hometown had been hit by a sugar cane truck and died. And his mom had wrongly identified the body as his. And in fact, he'd just been on the lash with his mates. And yeah, then rocked up back home, heard the church bells and his own funeral was taking place. It's like obviously depending on what you've taken and stuff. but like imagine walking into your own funeral like how true that's like darren brown yeah on no sleep on no sleep just being like oh my god am i dead like am i just like the photos with candles by them and just yeah or is it i think when we were first talking about this on the pod that you were saying like he probably got home and there's like loads of those little cucumber sandwiches laid out yeah it's like weird amount of flowers in my mom's living room where is everyone yeah if I already burst into the church stop while doing the funeral which must be quite fun that's what I was going to say you want to have a bit of fun with it don't you oh god yeah yeah pretend to be a ghost or is that too much I think you're potentially going a bit far I think throwing open church doors like I've always wanted to go to a wedding where you know and if anyone here knows of any reason why they shouldn't be married I object yeah I'd love to see that I love that yeah but even better at a funeral alright All right, next up is an old favourite.

34:29It's the Ballon Divorce, which is awarded to the most egregious display of Divorced Dad energy. Our first nominee this year is Mr. Iker Casillas, former Real Madrid keeper, who, in almost the definition of Divorced Dad energy, split up with his wife and the mother of his kids and began dating a Spanish porn star by the name of Claudia Bavelle. A lot of Spanish porn stars in this episode, aren't there? There are. It's been a big year for them. They're in category, really. Yeah. Unfortunately, things with Iker and Claudia didn't last, partly because his old famous stinginess surfaced. So it was that stinginess that led his Real Madrid teammates to joke that Iker had crocodiles in his pockets.

35:11Isn't there a thing where he took a journalist, he gave a journalist a lift in his car and they got to a toll road and it was like a euro or something. And he was like, no, I'm not fucking paying that. Reverse back out and did like a two hour detour just to avoid the toll. Yeah, and there was another one. It was a Real Madrid Christmas party or something like that. And Fernando Hierro, I think it was, lent him like 20 euros to get a cab home. And Ica pocketed the cash and took the metro. That's great. And it turns out Ica still has that old stingy nature because he was out on a date with Claudia.

35:50And they're wandering around the sun-dappled streets of Madrid. and she suggested that they pop into a bar for a glass of wine, at which point Ika pointed her in the direction of a supermarket. It's very like Mr. Ratcliffe, isn't it? You know? It is. Yeah. Yeah, but at least in Jim Ratcliffe's defence, he's like trying to sort of get a business in order. Yeah, Ika's got the money for a glass of wine. Ebonica Scrooge. Kind of. Well done. So sorry, was he saying, go get a bottle? Go get a bottle and we'll sit on a park bench? Drink at home, it's cheaper. Because I'm not paying corkage. It's got to be out the bottle.

36:33Disposable carbs, 50p. Yeah, exactly. Just swig it. We don't need an opener. You can open a bottle with your shoe.

36:41Anyway, it didn't go down well with Claudia. And in fact, prompted her to do a kiss and tell on Spanish TV. where she revealed that Ike is also stingy and not at all generous as a lover. So she said, if you ask me what Ike was like as a lover, I would say better as a footballer. He was a very good footballer. He's one of the great goalkeepers. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, not at all generous. No, that's terrible. Very focused on himself. Our next nominee is Mr. Nicky Bart, a man recently barred from Old Trafford because he didn't he had a season ticket cancelled because he didn't go to enough games. He's not barred is he?