Thomas Tuchel on the pull in Notting Hill | The funniest stories in sport this week

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1:24Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack. Welcome back to Extra Shot, the pod about the funniest stories in sport. This goddamn week. On the show today, Thomas Tuchel is on the lash in West London. Jack Grealish's strip club sesh. And David Beckham finds himself in the Epstein files. More on that later. My name is Jack. Hello, Zach. Hi, Jack. Hello, JP. Buongiorno, fellas. Happy New Year. Happy New Year to you both. Happy New Year. Before we begin, we are trialing some changes to the Upshot podcast. starting from next week Extra Shot will only be available to Patreon members so yeah it's a big change that means that if you're not a Patreon member you'll still get the Tuesday pod every week where we go into the life story of a sports star like the Luke Littler one we're doing Ruben Amarim for next week but if you want Extra Shot on Thursdays then you will need to be a Patreon member which you can become one at patreon.com forward slash upshot towers well worth it Do it in your browser, not the app because it's cheaper.

2:33That's obviously a big change. I know some of you will be disappointed. We'll stick the odd extra shot out to everyone. The odd one. We can't fully paywall JP. Yeah. They will follow me in though. I know they will. Behind the JP wall. Yeah, the JP wall. Yeah. I am actually, as a sweetener, I have been talking to Emily Sun in Shenzhen today on Alibaba about the JP tip and strip pens because someone reminded me about the plan to do them. So you know those pens where it's normally a woman and she's in like a dress and then you turn it upside down and she becomes naked. And I'm now in talks with them.

3:10Emily Sun has just given me a price quote. Oh yeah. Well, I'm not going to reveal my margins, but they will be coming soon to Patreon. Also those little vials you're getting me to fill up with my bathwater are taking fucking ages. So we need to free up some time. Emily said, I just need a picture of him clothed and then naked. once you give me that mate your choice whether you're standing erect or not once you do that then i'll order them 60 days later or maybe it's naked and then erect yeah yeah something like that pulling off something um returning to the decision about extra shot just to explain why we're doing this this this isn't us just trying to like push loads of people to patreon but for the past nearly year we've been doing three episodes a week we've been doing two for everyone and then one on Patreon.

3:58And it's spreading us very thin. I mean, we're a small outfit. And I wish we had time to do all these things because the thing we love most is being on the mic on the pod. But we don't. And we've got a lot of stuff in the pipeline this year, a lot of exciting plans. It's a big year. You know, we're doing a live tour. We'll be at the World Cup. Got to knock up those pens. Got to negotiate. And we're just struggling to do everything really well at the moment. and we need more time to make banger episodes. Banger. That four-parter on Katie Price ain't going to write itself. It's quality, not quantity.

4:32Yeah, yeah. So we're making this tough call. I know it'll be disappointing for some people, but yeah, we're going to try and see how it goes. And you'll get the odd one. And if you want to get extra shot every week and stay up to date with the likes of Juan Bernabe and Quincy Promise, then yeah, you'll need to join the Patreon. So that's patreon.com forward slash Upshot Towers. Do it in your browser and it is cheaper than buying us half a pint of lager to share in a soulless London pub. That's a fucking loop. It's a bargain. Yeah. Now, JP, you bumped into old Tommy Tuchel just before Christmas.

5:06I did indeed. In Kensington Roof Gardens. That hot spot. And you described him as being off his chops. I think I was off my chops. I think you said he's off his chops. Judging by the voice note, it sounds like at least one of you was. Yeah. Yeah, you did say he was off his chops too, which I think probably translates to like quietly sipping some whispering energy in the corner. Till you staggered him being like, is he coming home? Did you get... I said leaders to glory. Yeah. Did you get pulled away by security? Pretty much, mate, yeah. His own heavies. Yeah, I think it was like, we've got to get this fucking absolute wasted.

5:44He was drinking with other people though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, obviously he gave... Just not with me. Yeah, certainly not with you. Gave you short shrift. which is why I'm bringing this up because it turns out not everyone had such a frosty reception from the England manager. So a listener, who I won't name, got in touch to say that she personally felt the warm glow of Tommy's gaze at the very same venue. What the fuck? Same night? Different night. The night before. Night before. He's absolutely on watching it, exactly. He's in there two nights in a row. So you were there on the Friday.

6:19Friday, yeah. And she was there on the Thursday night. And he was still. And he was same spot. Well, actually, hang on. I sent the voice note at half one at night. No, you sent it on Saturday morning at half one. I've just checked. Right, okay. So he was... Christmas rollover. You reckon it's a rollover? Straight through crew with Tommy Tuchel. She said, he was stood next to the bar and it was pretty busy. The bartender was being rude to me as I asked for one more drink as the bill came. That is annoying. Yeah, agreed. Anyway, so I told Tuchel, not knowing who he was, And he said, leave this with me.

6:53I'll sort him out. And then offered to buy me a drink. I'll sort him out. Very different experiences there. So apparently she was then told by possibly a husband or friends that that's the England manager. That was the experience I wanted to have with Thomas. Unfortunately, it was quite different. Yeah. You weren't offered a drink? No, no, no. Nothing like that. I just got told to fuck off, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess that's quite gentlemanly of him. Yeah. but someone else also messaged in to say on the Friday night so the night you saw him in Kensington Roof Gardens he was at the Electric which is not far away actually it's a bar these are all West London hot spots yeah yeah Phil was like got all tools he's been on the he's been out on tour yeah love it and apparently he was chatting up a girl at the bar I don't know maybe he knew her yeah could just be speaking yeah but he's he's on one yeah it's Christmas why not it's Christmas he's a single man yeah got a big year coming up letting his hair down and all that yeah and to be honest if you knew what he really got up to sometimes then you'd call that vanilla by comparison and that actually we did our very first Patreon episode we explained that full story sorry to plug the Patreon again but I was thinking it must be such a funny conversation getting chatted up by Thomas Tuchel at a bar yeah it was just when I saw him it was such an unusual experience just to see him in that environment you're just like is it actually him and then when he comes up close you're like fucking hell love it yeah especially if you don't know who he is if you then have a chat with him and then realise afterwards because he's quite like a striking looking guy he's very tall he's quite distinctive at what point do you think in the conversation he has to be like I am the England manager do you know what I mean it's a good one, someone asks you what you do manage England you wouldn't believe them they've been banging on 15 minutes about their job in PR so what about you What are you doing in the minute?

8:45Procurement. It's just really annoying because Sally and HR is just like really up in my career. You're doing my nutting at the minute. Anyway, what do you do? Well, I've completely reinvented Morgan Rogers' career. Yeah, quite a cushy job as well. I was thinking like he's on five mil a year and obviously he's like he can go out on the piss which like a Premier League manager can really do. Yeah, I guess they can. I mean, you get like, I don't know. See Sean Dyche every now and again in a boozer. But outside of an international break, you could sort of just do what you want. Clearly, he's not watching Match of the Day because he's out.

9:18It's like eight weeks proper work a year, probably. It's great. Unreal. It does make me like it more as well. Yeah, it's quite down to earth. It's quite traditional because Terry Venables used to own a nightclub, a members club, literally like 100 metres from that spot on High Street Gat. Oh, really? When he was England manager. This was where you'd see him in there with journalists going through the next day's stories before they were published. Yeah, they used to bring like the proofs or whatever of the next day's paper. What, for Terry to sign up? Yeah, and he'd like have a glass of whiskey with them and stuff.

9:49It's like, you're the manager. I can't rate that. Yeah. Yeah, I do like the idea that Thomas Tuchel's just living. He's just enjoying, he's living at this. Yeah, why not? Yeah. And he wasn't fucked up. It's a hark back to a slightly more romantic time for the managers, I think. I rate it. Anyway, while Tommy Tuchel probably spent Monday morning snoozing his alarm, getting up at 11, ordering at a McDonald's breakfast on Uber Eats. It was a pretty tough Monday for most of us. First time dragging yourself out of bed after the festive break. It was hard. But spare a thought for Ruben Amarim, who rocked up first thing on Monday morning to be greeted by Jim Ratcliffe wielding his P45.

10:32And, you know, it kind of seemed like the writing was on the wall for Ruben, especially after that game against Leeds when he did this interview after the match where he basically implied that there were some serious tensions behind closed doors. Seems like he didn't like working under a sporting director, basically, and clashing over transfers and stuff like that. Kind of seemed like slightly odd timing for them to finally give him the boot, though, because United, they're sixth now. They're sort of pushing for Champions League football. Slowly turning it around, wasn't he? It kind of seemed like there were some green shoots, I think.

11:08and you know he endured 18 months of fans and media berating him for rigidly sticking to this 343 formation Jeremy even insisted that the Pope couldn't make him change yet and then on Boxing Day he finally relented and switched to four at the back against Newcastle and they won 1-0 yeah and then he was sacked 10 days later well so not the Pope can't but the threat of Lewis Miley for running us. That will change things. Nick Pope. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure he'd be all right. He got paid off 30 million or something stupid, wasn't he? Yeah, did you see the photo of him coming out? I think it was on his street, the paparazzi.

11:49He looked like the cat that's got the cream. Yeah, I bet. You would know, isn't he? He's got high fives. Look at this picture. Absolutely balling, mate. Fair play. It was him and his wife walking out and it was so frosty outside and they probably were thinking, no more of this fucking weather as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get me back to Lisbon. Get me to Portugal. To be honest, I think that his fate was probably sealed after that photo of him against Grimsby. You know the photo of him with his tactics board in the rain. It's just, it's hard to come back from that really. To be fair, he kind of sealed his fate quite early on when he just kept being like, we're the worst team ever.

12:25Yeah. Yeah. Just constantly slagging off his players, telling them that this is the worst team in Manchester United's history. It's too rigid. It's not great vibes. They've got Darren Fletcher in interim charge and then it looks like they're going to get a caretaker manager in until the end of the season. Didn't Darren interview for it? Has he? Him, Carrick and Solskjaer. Who I think they should have kept in the first place. Solskjaer, Oli's at the will, man. At least the vibes were good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't imagine the vibes being great with Darren Fletcher, but he's a bit like Alex Ferguson.

12:57Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, so Rio Ferdinand did a, did an interview when Darren was being touted as the interim man in charge and Rio said one thing he will do is he'll take counsel. He'll lean on people. I'm sure one of his first phone calls will be Sir Alex Ferguson, followed by myself.

13:21If Rio Ferdinand's commentary is anything to go by, I don't think he's going to be offering Darren too many searing insights. Premier League! Premier League! Premier League! Do you think he was joking? No. That's so David Brandt. No. What does he think Rio's going to be offering? Rio with zero managerial. He'd be like, yeah, man, do it. Rio was kind of involved in the Ronaldo one, wasn't he? When Ronaldo rejoined United. Was he? He certainly claimed to have been. Really, yeah. Yeah. I think he sees himself as that link with the club, doesn't he? Yeah, there was actually a clip that resurfaced of him talking about Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

13:58when Solskjaer had been given the job on a temporary basis and he did quite well. This was Rio's response. Listen, all he's got, Man United might not thank me, but get the contract out, put it on the table, let him sign it, let him write whatever numbers he wants to put on there, given what he's done now since he's come in, and let him sign the contract and go, oh, he's at the wheel, man. He's doing it. He's doing his thing. Man United are back. Michael Owen's base is great. That was the moment that the Solskjaer thing fell off. It was going well. Yeah. wasn't there also um rio didn't there was another interview where he was they were talking about like uh he was he was saying like oh i'd be i'd make a good owner or like chairman or something of man united and the interviewer was like so what what's the first thing you do if you came in he's like don't know who are the first three players you saw and he goes don't know i haven't thought about that fast yet on uh darren fletcher i also saw an interview with him about the Fergie thing they're all so in Fergie's shadow still and he was saying yes I consulted Fergie in fact I consult him before I make any major decision in my life like what even outside of football Alex I think I'm thinking of remortgaging the house well I'll tell you a couple of lenders do you mind just looking over the docks stay away from Halifax it's mental hell it's mental hell still I mean like him and Darren Fletcher were always quite tight but like yeah but Ratcliffe's trying to get rid of all like the old United clan and all of a sudden it's like they're all coming back again.

15:28Yeah. Oli I think was positive. Yeah I wouldn't mind. Didn't work out of a schick task. Amarim obviously far from the only one who's updating his LinkedIn this January. Enzo Maresca. I know. Who also got the chop at Chelsea. Sort of similar circumstances really to Ruben because both of them came out with public statements where they were implying that there was disharmony at the club clashes with the management structure yeah um what are your thoughts on that uh united and chelsea are two very poorly run clubs at the moment and things aren't going very well although when i walked in you and teddy our producers also chelsea fan were chanting liam rosenia i've only listened to two or three interviews and he just seems quite eloquent and i'd love him to do well but yeah he seems like a lovely guy i think everyone would like it to work in a sort of the way everyone wanted graham potter Yeah, that's the problem.

16:23I can see it being part of E2. Everyone except Strasburg fans. They're really pissed off. They've got Gary O 'Neill, right? Yeah, Gary O 'Neill's the new manager. Oh, really? But the Strasburg sporting director threatened to walk away if they took Rosina. He's fuming because he's pre-Blue Cohen. Has he walked away? No, he hasn't. Brilliant. I mean, I would be pretty pissed off. Yeah, you would. Rosina's on a six and a half year contract. Yeah, we always like to do those, don't we? just pay him out loads of money if it doesn't go well and ignore how much he's got to spend anyway there were also it's not a lot of rare for there were also some suggestions that part of the reason why Enzo's relationship with Chelsea broke down was because he insisted on working on a book while he was in the job presumably some nauseating Jake Humphrey style leadership manual rather than Steve Bruce murder mystery He's got no banter at all, so I can imagine it being pretty fucking dry.

17:23Is he considered one of the great leaders? Because he took less jobs. Worked a bit for Pep. He's wrote an 800-page novel on how he revolutionised Jamie Vardy in the championship. Yeah. It seems like an odd thing to be doing while you're juggling an incredibly high-pressure job. But also, don't you just have a ghostwriter? Do you actually have to do much? I don't know. Maybe he's a... He'd want to do it himself. He is a wordsmith. That book won't be selling many copies now. He's got plenty of time to work on it. He's got plenty of time, yeah. It would be nice if it was actually like a Steve Bruce-style detective novel.

17:55Yeah. Fiction. Is that too much to ask for? Coming to a literary festival near you, Enzo Moresco. See you at Jaipur Literary Festival. In conversation with Max Hastings. Another one joining Ruben and Enzo in the increasingly staking queue outside the football job centre is Celtic gaffer Wilfred Nancy. He was sacked on Monday as well. and he as well had it coming. It's been a horrendous start for him. Car crash. Yeah, they lost the old fam at the weekend, which took him to six losses in his first eight games, which is the worst start by any manager in Celtic's 138-year history. Wow. I mean, for Celtic, six losses in eight, that's like unheard of.

18:37Because I was thinking eight games is ridiculously small sample size, but it's Celtic. Yeah, I was actually looking, I was trying to find stats on him being the worst manager in Celtics history. And a lot of the top 10 lists where they give you a percentage only include managers who managed at least 10 games. That's a silver lining for Wilfred. He was a caretaker. Sort of managed to dodge a place on that list. Really opens the door for Hearts though. Yeah, six points. Six points clear now. And Martin O 'Neill's back. Martin O 'Neill's back. That is the problem, I think. Why? For Hearts, you needed Wilfred Nonsi to get like 10 more games.

19:15Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Martin O 'Neill's class. And he's going to come in and do a job. Everyone who listens regularly knows we love him for some weird reason. Yeah, I do love him. So I think he'll probably overturn a six-point deficit. Yeah. It'd be great if someone else won it, though. So it'd be the first time since 1985 when Aberdeen, under Sir Alex Ferguson, won the SBL. Amazing. Since then, the whole firm have won it every year. I would say Aberdeen has sort of struggled to move on from that era. Much like United. My United fans, if you want to look at your future, Aberdeen.

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21:26So this Ashes has been a shit show, really, for England. Basketball has well and truly backfired. The way England have been batting, you strongly get the impression that this side prefer games that finish within two days. so they can just get back to their schooners and boogie boards. Yeah, it's TikTok cricket. Then on the first day of the fifth test, Joe Root and Harry Brooke finally put together sort of England's first proper partnership of the whole series. But it was no surprise to see Brendan growing bored in the stands. So halfway through England's innings, he was spotted tucking into a crossword puzzle.

22:04Anything to pass the time. There he is. it's one of those books you get at the airport surely not this is the head coach of England can you imagine if Thomas Tuchel would do that what the fuck what do they say you've got to be careful that are national TV yeah yeah do you think he's actually doing a crossword yeah he is yeah and in true basball style he doesn't bother with any of that guessing bollocks and just flicks straight to the back where the answers are I mean, Thomas Tuchel would be on Hinge or Raya. Definitely Raya. No, wouldn't he be on the more like off-field one? What's it called? Oh, field.

22:49Yeah. The fruity one. Or on some horrible like gum tree listing. But I was asking people who know a bit more about like cricket in the stands. And they were saying it's not that unusual to be like, You often see the players flicking through magazines and newspapers and stuff. But you are the coach. Yeah, you've got to be looking at shit. And you are beleaguered. There was talk of him getting sacked. He's actually just been basically told he can stay. Not happy, mate. I'm livid. I think he's a cunt. But we won't get into that. It's a cult. It's a weird cult mix of management speak and really unbearable, I don't give a shit teenage stuff.

23:32But anyway, I like doing crosswords. Deep breaths, Jack. But yeah, that doesn't send a message to your bosses that you're taking it super seriously. Actually, speaking of the cricket, it's been the worst ashes in living memory. And that even extends the TV coverage, which has been wank. Partly because TNT have had the commentators doing it from home, just like on Zoom. What? Yeah, they're not. They have a couple of pundits in Australia, but the commentators are at home in the UK. Surely try them out. And they said, TNT promised before, you won't be able to tell they aren't there. well uh on wednesday morning uh the commentator was showing a replay of a run out and he thought it was live and announced it that it'd been a run out live yeah he's rob hatch is the commentator he's apparently quite a good cycling commentator but yeah he basically got shown this replay which we've all done watching at home thinking it's live

24:35it's happening again it's happening again two run outs and two overs you're watching the same run out he says it's Ben Stokes it's a different player what was the rationale for not sending him out there money really and also they've got none of the usual cricket commentator he's a cycling commentator it's been so bad so budget surely what is the cost of I mean a flight to flight to Australia it's not cheap but for TNT sports like how much you're making from they've done it properly cheap and it's shit ashes doesn't count with that though they've had some of the commentators some of them sometimes one is there and one is not so with that one in particular he had to actually go oh yeah somebody who is there has just stuck their head out the box and has gone it's not happened again so hard to manage that I almost don't blame him yeah because you're just being that's all you're being showed so yeah but it's poor bastard ashes aside darts aside the big sporting event at the moment is AFCON which is now into the quarterfinals all the all the big guns are there really it's shaping up Egypt Ivory Coast quarterfinal looking quite tasty we did an episode on Tuesday about all the funny stories from the past but it wouldn't be AFCON without some interference from meddling politicians and this year it was Gabon's turn So Gabon, they've had a horror show.

25:54With Equatorial Guinea, they've sort of been the big letdown. And having finished bottom of their group, losing all their matches, the country's government took the totally rational decision to suspend the national team. So they've sacked the coach, which I think is valid. But they've also suspended the national team, and they've banned Aubameyang, their biggest legend and captain, from the national team. Banned him? Yeah, he's banned. What did he do? just played badly. Well, actually, he didn't even play in the last game that they lost. Surely he was injured. He played in two games that they lost.

26:29Surely the pool of players that they have is quite small. So getting rid of probably your best player. I mean, he's getting on a bit. He must be nearly 40. Yeah, but he's, I don't know. But yeah, they've just said, you're banned. But also, they've suspended the national team. What does that even mean? It means national team activities will be fully suspended until decided otherwise. Both call-ups and training will stop. Even the A-team schedule has been stopped. so they're not fielding a team they're not playing matches I mean shooting yourself in the foot a little bit part of me quite rates it do you know what I mean like here we have a big like media inquest and stuff but it's just like oh you're not fucking playing yeah fair enough just go and pop all the balls Samuel Eto 'o probably would do that yeah yeah it does feel quite harsh on old Aubameyang yeah although it could be worse so Uganda a couple of months ago they were playing in the African Nations Championship different tournament and they conceded a pretty poor goal to South Africa at which point their president Yoweri Museveni held what he called an accountability and interrogation session with his national team players where the president of president of Uganda yeah president and does he not have more important things to be doing well I guess football is life to everyone isn't it it's a big deal sort of like Rishi Sunak putting on his England shirt yeah this is a bit more serious So basically the goal is pretty horrendous.

27:51Basically the fullback just fails to appear and the keeper comes off his line. And here's Museveni grilling the players about it. Why did the goalkeeper have to go and do the work of the fullback? Mr. President, I think I was caught in the heat of the moment and thought I could defend. But where did the fullback go?

28:20I think the fullback can answer that. So is it quite like... What happened to the fullback? Tell me what had happened. We were attacking, so we were high up in the pitch. So we were quite up in the moment. Why do you all go to attack? Because the whole thing of the AOR, we in the army, area of responsibility. why would you all go to attack and then you leave the goalkeeper alone? So apparently these take place. He's done multiple sessions of this and they often take place as part of his state meals. Do you know Trump has that correspondence dinner and all those other events? Yeah. I think it's a bit like that.

29:08It's very hard to think of a parallel here. I'm really struck. It's like the Queen opening parliament. Can you imagine Keir Starber doing that? Just being like, Trent Alexander Arnold. I've watched back the footage and your defending left a lot to be desired. Mr Speaker, he didn't track back. Yeah, it's hard to think of a parallel. Museveni, he's... I looked him up. He's a bit of a dictator, I think. He's been in power since 1986. Yeah, had a bit of a power outfit on him. He actually overthrew Mobutu, that Congolese dictator we talked about. The guy who hosted the Rumble in the Jungle and sort of threatened his own players for getting knocked out of the World Cup.

29:52So, yeah, he gets stuck in, does Museveni? You can tell. Overthrew him. He invaded DR Congo, or Zaire, as it was then. Bit of African history for you guys. Get it all on this podcast, don't you? It wouldn't be AFCON without some excellent fans. And did you see the one who he stands for the full 90 minutes of every game to honour an independence leader? Is he on a box there? Yeah, he's on something On his seat maybe He's in a sharp suit It looks like they've created a box for him Yeah, I think it's quite like An emotional, serious thing Right But not all their fans are somber Slightly more upbeat vibe From this fella I'll link to the clip Here we go Looking at a big Topless fella Dancing That's great He's got a Father Christmas hat on as well Absolutely having it He's got a Father Christmas hat And he's in just some tight shorts And he's sort of Dancing in quite like a Squat position Yeah He's getting low And he's got the He's got the Congolese flag wrapped around him in a sort of Borat mankini style.