Troy Parrott crashes down to earth | The funniest stories in sport this week

24:42tourists who stopped at the accident instead of helping him out shouted out the Chuckle Brothers catchphrase to me to you you've got to do it though oh dear oh dear do you think he was saying that as well when he was in the toilet cubicle on the M6 to you

25:04it would have been great if he'd given the quote to the tabloids just oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear Once he gets an angry text from her husband Oh dear Other Chuckle Brothers thing I learned Is that there are two older Chuckle Brothers Called the Patton Brothers Who were first Jimmy and Brian They actually do pop up in Chuckle Vision a bit If you watch it And Jimmy At the age of 85 Married a 26 year old fan We're looking at their wedding photo now But wait wait wait She married a Chuckle Brother She married the older Chuckle Brother Jimmy Who most people don't know But if you actually watch the show He's in it a lot Right he's the one he quite often gives them like jobs to do he's like the boss and he has a catchphrase too it's like I know mocking about or something like that you've got to be like a pretty big Chuckle Brothers fan to marry one of the brothers that's not the main character yeah do you know what I mean that's pretty loose yeah like I kind of get it with a Harry Potter film but Chuckle Brothers there's only two people it's like going out with Roger Giggs yeah he described how they met he said Amy had been a fan of Chuckle Vision all her life and commented on something I posted on Facebook.

26:11It just went from there. Sure it did, mate. Charming. Yeah, that's all I've got on the chuckle brothers, I think. Speaking of scandalous BBC stars, Gary Lineker was inducted into the International Football Hall of Fame in Mexico this week. Is that a FIFA thing? I don't know. I didn't know it existed. I've never heard of it. And it looks like he's been catching some rays, sipping on some mezcal, and just chilling out in his Birkenstocks. apparently he is announcing a major deal with Netflix for the World Cup later this month he has the rest of his football is going to be on Netflix right I was thinking they were screening games live maybe there's going to be more I wonder if that means that Alan Shearer and Michael Richards are going to be on Netflix instead of BBC I think you can do both It's just that pod, isn't it?

27:08Interesting. Anyway, a video... More on that later. Anyway, a video has emerged this week from two English TikTokers who are over in Mexico. And I should say that they filmed this video on one of those Ray-Ban Wayfarer... The sunglasses. Sunglasses. I think. The non-scoggles. Yeah. I don't think they should be allowed these. these yeah the sunnies they feel just like filming stuff yeah i agree it's not cool i post it online because people have no idea that you're filming the saving grace i think is protecting us all you look like a fucking wanker yeah absolute wanker but also you know they are quite clearly trying to get views on their tiktok and um yeah we'll have a look at the video now yeah so it's Gary and a girl.

27:59What's up, Gary? How do you? Enjoy your holiday. Thank you. So it's Gary and Lineker and a young girl, an adult, but a younger woman, walking through the street in Mexico. Yeah, and these two sort of topless TikTokers sort of baiting him up, basically. They just say hi, Gary. It's quite friendly, isn't it? They just say have a nice holiday. Yeah, but they then posted it, right? They then posted it online. And what do they say in the caption? I think it's something along the lines of this is another British legend that we've filmed or met this week so they let everyone else infer that Gary Lineker's there with a younger woman so the suggestion obviously is that he's picked up a chick is he, Gary Lineker's single in any case he is, he's single well he's got a weird relationship with his ex-wife who he's still with all the time isn't he yeah well she's the mother of his kids and her surname is Cocaine really?

28:52I always enjoy that Michelle Cocaine and post this video going online Gary Lineker superfan Tommy Robinson has popped up with a tweet basically insinuating that Gary was up to no good with this young girl and in true Tommy Robinson fashion the video has gone viral and Gary has got wind of the tweet from tommy and they've had a few spats before um so i think he just really felt like he needed to clarify the situation and uh it's quite a good response so it says if you must know i was going to a chemist with my daughter-in-law to get some medicine for her unwell husband my son hatred is a dreadful weakness oh wow so yeah i mean enough respect to gary there for the classiest I saw his other son just went it's his daughter-in-law you fucking idiot which I think is a more appropriate response to be honest what did Tommy actually say?

29:57Tommy's tweet was along the lines of what you up to here Gary he was licking his lips when he saw a video of Gary Lineker doing that a lot of those guys are because obviously they hate Lineker but you know how there's always these like you ask Gary Lineker about the skeletons in his closet they've had an online spat before I think Gary tweeted something about the situation with asylum seekers in the hotels and Tommy. I can't imagine they agree on much.

30:27So basically Tommy looks like a complete prat and the tweet I will say is still going viral and he hasn't taken it down yet despite it clearly being fake news. But I'm not sure I'd be throwing shade after I'd just been mentioned in the Epstein files which is absolutely mental so Tommy not Gary I was going to say if you asked me to guess I would have actually guessed Lineker just because he's more famous same but to clarify Gary Lineker is not in the so Tommy was mentioned in a WhatsApp conversation between Jeffrey Epstein and a a politician the politician hasn't been named where it says that Tommy Robinson has done some good work Jeffrey says that yeah that's the guy you want praising you yeah it's like we were talking the other week about woody allen who was woody allen oh it was um lewis riviales yeah i mean this is worse there's probably no one no one whose name's going on your book less likely than jeffrey epstein good work what is that was that sort of when tommy robinson was like getting jailed or whatever i think he'd been jailed and just as he started going right big if your business runs on five different apps 12 browser tabs and one spreadsheet that everyone's afraid to touch, it's probably time for Odoo.

31:48Odoo is an all-in-one business management software that connects every part of your business into one powerful, easy-to-use platform. So instead of wasting time switching between disconnected systems, your entire business works together in real time. Your team moves faster, your data stays accurate, and you can actually focus on growing your business. Let one unified system run your entire business. From the first opportunity to the final payment, everything works together in one place. Whether you're a small business or managing a large operation, Odoo gives you one flexible platform built to grow with you.

32:29Learn more at odoo.com. That's O-D-O-O dot com. Are all batteries the same? That's like asking if all soccer players are the same. Take Messi, the most decorated player ever. Is there any other player who has achieved that? No, just him. Now take Duracell. Is there any other battery with Power Boost ingredients inside? No, just Duracell. Remember, goats only trust goats because they're built different. And Messi only trusts Duracell.

33:04The Upshot Hosts:So good, so good. New markdowns up to 70 % off are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Stock up and stay big on shoes, tops, dresses, accessories, and more must-haves for summer. Join the Nordiclub to unlock exclusive discounts, shop new arrivals first, and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favourite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. You can't choose your fans. No, you can't. but all in all a bit of an own goal for Tommy Tommy there unfortunately is that now doing the rounds the fact that he was in the Epstein thing or have you dug that out no no grubby file your grubby filing cabinet research this week journalism at last okay so Gary's come out of that well I always wonder with that like obviously Gary's set the record straight but how many people are just leaving with the impression that Gary Lineker's out picking up girls well that's the thing because he hasn't taken it down and it actually says underneath you know they do this sort of community note that probably does the job for him yeah speaking of pickup artists which gary is not to be clear um his mate jamie redknapp back in the day as a you know as a hot-blooded youngster in his early 20s apparently um he used to visit this club in bournemouth called the cage the redknapp's from bournemouth aren't they live down there um and apparently his pulling technique was to tell girls that he was a computer programmer called tyrone and then he would invite girls back to the manor surely just stick to being a football Yeah, I know.

34:33But I quite rate that. It's like he wants to do it on Merit. Right. Computer programmer called Tyrone. I mean, he was gorgeous back in the day. He could have probably done it on Merit by himself. Is it because you don't want people selling stories? Maybe. Or maybe he had a girlfriend. Anyway, I'll tell you what Gary Lineker should get on out in Mexico. Some cheap data for his phone. So he can slap Tommy Robinson down as much as he likes. Dig out the Epstein files without worrying about racking up a huge bill. And he can do that using Saley. Yeah, so Saley is a new eSIM app. Brought to you by the creators of NordVPN, which actually Gary could probably use a VPN too while he's at it.

35:08Keep Tommy from sniffing around his inbox. Jamie Redknapp can probably help him set it up. With all his computer programming skills. Yeah, so Saley, basically you don't need an actual SIM. You just download the app once and then you can get cheap data plans for 200 countries. So if you're going away over Christmas, New Year, or any time for the World Cup, this is the way to do it so that you can actually use your phone abroad. Do you know sometimes you land somewhere and they're like data is£10 a day for like 100 meg yeah I've still got that problem coming to the Alpshots live show in Glasgow we're going to be in need we're going to need it for Dublin we're going to need a tether or get ourselves a Saley Saley sim that was a joke by the way yeah I get it I do know that we actually will need it for Dublin won't we do you need a I'll be getting Saley for Dublin yeah I think you do yeah that is actually good that there's it's not a sim card it's actually just an app yeah I don't I didn't realise that that's fucking annoying you know those little things you have to get out your phone or like a paperclip what is it no there is actually there is a tool yeah but you can use the baby clip can you oh yeah life hack heck no Tyrone over here Tyrone anyway now you don't need it you just get an eSIM app with Saley just install it and best of all they're giving upshot list there's a discount aren't they those bastards 15 % off when you use the code upshot and you get NordVPN free Jesus that's a good deal so if you're thinking about NordVPN from all our ads and you want to watch content that's not available in your region, then why not double up here and get Saley as well.

36:40So just go to the app store, search for Saley which is S-A-I-L-Y download it use code UPSHOT at checkout you're getting the money off and you get your NordVPN as well. Details are in the description box of this podcast. Actually I'll tell you one man who does wish he was using a VPN and that is Mark Overbars. We've talked about him before. They don't come much grubbier than the ex-Arsenal midfielder who, he got sacked by Ajax. He was football director. But he got sacked for firing out all these horny texts to employees. This was a few years ago. I think we've covered the fact that his nickname at the club was Dirty Uncle Mark or Geil Nief.

37:21In Dutch, it literally, it's a Dutch expression. It literally means horny cousin. This all happened a few years ago but now a Dutch journalist has published a tell-all book describing the scandal, all the most horrible details. It is only available in Dutch, but thanks to Dan in the Upshot's Hilversum Bureau, we've got all the gory details. Thanks, Dan. To be honest, a lot of it is quite rank. He was sending a lot of unsolicited dick pics. It's Upshot rule 37. Dick pics were always unsolicited. This was no exception. So apparently it came to light because there was a big Me Too scandal involving a celebrity in the Netherlands and Edwin van der Sar, the old United and Fulham keeper, is now CEO at Ajax and he sent an email to all staff just being like, look, if you've experienced anything like this in the workplace, get in touch.

38:10Inbox full. Yeah, and he started getting all these emails about Mark Overmars who's like one of his best mates. Fuck. So he and Mark, they played in the Ajax team in the 90s. I think they won the Champions League. Then they played in the Dutch national team and then they worked directly together in the club as executives. So it was a pretty awkward one for him that turns out his best mate is a grubby old gal neath. Anyway, at first, one employee came forward, apparently, and Overmars admitted, yeah, look, this has been going on with several people, and they were like, how many? And he goes, roughly 10 to 15.

38:42He couldn't put a number on it. 10 to 15, that is. But actually, the eventual investigation comes up with 300 pages of texts and photos of him just being pretty rank. One of the reasons he couldn't deny it is that the dick pics he was sending were from the bathrooms in the club office. and you could tell because the tiles were in Ajax colours. Oh really? It's like the distinctive red and white. Oh shit where you eat. Smoking can. Not even NordVPN would have protected him from that. Has he been cancelled now? Yeah he got sacked he did then get a job at Royal Antwerp the Belgian side and I think he's pretty good at that aspect of his job the bit that actually because they I think they won the title although he then had a like pretty nasty stroke and the players held up a banner in support of him, which, you know, they're obviously trying to be supportive, but it ended up sounding a bit more like a warning to colleagues.

39:37It said, Mark Overmars, always behind you.

39:43He has recovered. Anyway, sorry, there are some lighter revelations. So in the book as well, they also reveal that even by Dutch standards, Mark Overmars is very stingy. so apparently he had a habit of after matches walking around the hospitality boxes mind sweeping canapes to build up a full plate so apparently he would collect up a plate of discarded bitter ballen so that he wouldn't have to buy any at the bar for his guests because apparently it's like you get a round in of them you get around and he would always just he would just mind sweep and apparently he'd do the same on um if he was sometimes a guest on like morning football shows and he would minesweep the pastries and bring them back to the office quite good that's great yeah actually Ajax having a rough old time of it even aside from that they're 6th in the league they've had a couple of bad seasons they've just sacked their manager Johnny Heitinger the Everton former Everton player he's been sacked one of those names Johnny Heitinger I think you never just say the surname like a Solly March yeah yeah yeah both to get it Ryan Barble yeah it's never just Barbel is it maybe Troy Parra actually Troy Parra is a good one but they've brought in a caretaker manager Fred Grimm the Grimm sums it up it's not the name you want over the door when you're sick in the league sums up like someone from a lemony snicket and he comes Fred Grimm the whole Ajax thing that like them being quite shit has coincided with the whole Mark Omermars thing because when he was director of football weren't they doing quite well he was aside from what he was doing in the toilets of the opposites he was good at his job like he was the director of football he brought through the whole like Matthias de Ligt and Frank de Jong the Ten Hag the Ten Hag team that got to the Champions League semi-finals and then since he was sacked they've basically been on a downward spiral like last year it was looking like they might get relegated at some point which for Ajax is yeah that's like yeah it's like an arsenal going down yeah United I guess yeah Yeah, there was more this week.

41:50So their game against Groningen this week was cancelled after six minutes because the ultras went hard on the pyrotechnics. It actually looks fucking cool. Watching a clip that I will link to. Jesus! That's just a full fireworks display in the stands. They said, basically, apparently loads of them rushed the emergency exits. Like there were people jibbing. It looks like a proper inferno in there. Yeah, but what the ultras are saying is basically there was this fan who's terminally ill who one of their wishes was to go to a game. And so they got to go to a game, this game, and the Ultras are saying they wanted to put the display on for him.

42:26Obviously, the game was abandoned after six minutes. And then they said to the guy, all right, we're going to play the fixture behind closed doors. You can come. But apparently now he might not be able to make it. Really? So the Ultras have fucked it there. Yeah, that's the story that's doing the rounds. There might be another side to that. Please don't hurt me if you're listening. We're looking at a picture of two of the Ultras. They've got fucking bazookas over their shoulders. How have they got those in? Yeah. I don't know. The club said they searched them with sniffer dogs before the party, but I mean, they've got...

42:55They've not searched it very hard, do they? Yeah, yeah. It does look visually quite cool. That's all I will say. That's pretty terrifying. Yeah, yeah. Their Dutch ultras are nuts, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, they must have so much sway with the club to get it played behind closed doors and then allow the fan to watch it. Well, I think the club were just like... The club were the ones liaising with this fan. Oh, right, okay. just not the fireworks yeah i don't think he's one of the ultras actually i think he's just slightly more family friendly vibe at brighton where you know brighton's it's known for its vegan pies green party council thriving gay scene it's sort of a liberal bastion of progressive values so when they try to appeal to their japanese market you expect them to knock up some seagull anime or get Lewis Dunk to sift a matcha latte while he's repairing broken pottery with that golden glue stuff.

43:48They decided to go a slightly different route though in the end. So Brighton's under 12 side qualified for the Truce Cup recently, which is this European youth tournament that combines football with teaching kids about World War I. Interesting. It's an odd concept for a tournament. You said under 12s, right? Under 12s, yeah. I don't know why, like, just keep those things set. You don't need to learn about World War I at this point. But anyway, it was a big deal for their team. And they decided to celebrate that they'd get down the Japanese star Karu Mitoma to pose with the kids. And clearly someone in their marketing team noticed this Venn diagram of war, football and Japan.

44:33Uh-oh. This ain't going to be good. and they had a light bulb moment and they decided to get Karu and the kids to hold up a mocked up FIFA Ultimate Team card for Hiro Onoda who's, you know that Japanese soldier who carried on fighting for 29 years after World War 2 ended so we look at a picture of him why put him on a FIFA card? this is Mitomo and a kid with the FIFA card but if you zoom in he's even got stats What are the categories? Presumably work speed, agility, work rate 99, determination, determination 99, survival skill, intelligence 42. Unfortunately, this hasn't had quite the desired effect among the Asian fan base.

45:25Because I think Brian slightly forgot that Japan were very much the bad guys in World War II. Sort of like they were the Asian Nazis, really. It's not an era that they want to be remembered for. No, no. So in the Philippines where Hiro Onoda was stationed, Japanese soldiers massacred 100 ,000 unarmed civilians, enlisted women as sex slaves, and starved local populations to death while forcing them to build railways. You'll never sing that. He's not exactly Captain Tom. And actually more recently, Hiro Onoda has become a real symbol for... far-right nationalists in japan sort of like brighton announcing fabian herzler's new contract by making him pose with a picture of hans ulrich rudel the nazi luftwaffe pilot who knocked out 519 tanks at a soviet battleship was mitoma not like what the fuck i was about to say like surely i think i i reckon he does so many of these things every day yeah i'm looking for various like pictures it's just like yeah come on also hang on this isn't the biggest issue but they said it was about World War 1 yeah true this guy's a holdout for World War 2 yeah bit of a faux pas that's my big crime they need to do their research although Hiro Noda is quite a mental his story is crazy hang on when was he held out until what 1978 that's mental Star Wars was out yeah that'd really blow his mind yeah I looked into his his whole story actually it is crazy so he he basically he was trained in guerrilla warfare and then was sent to the island of lubang in the philippines in 1944 and his mission initially was was to destroy an airship and his commanding officers told him do not surrender under any circumstances which was very like that was sort of the japanese army way wasn't it um they end up failing their mission and US and Philippine army brigades make it onto the island.

47:30So him and three other soldiers retreat into the jungle up in the mountains. And they stay there for a year. And obviously the war ends in 1945. And at that point, villagers on this island leave out notes for them telling them that Japan surrendered. You can go home now. Stop fucking shelling us. Come out of the jungle. Please go home. yeah but they don't believe it they think there's allied propaganda to try and you know it's a trap it's tweaked um so after about six months one of their group breaks off and surrenders but the other three of them think this is like a betrayal and they decide they're going to stick it out so they're they're living off bananas coconuts killing cattle and raiding rice farms to get food they get into these occasional shootouts with villagers and with the police um but obviously like back home people know that they're there and in 1952 the japanese authorities get the soldiers families to write letters and send photographs which are then they then airdrop over the jungle to try and get through to them like wow you can come home now the vibes changed here look yeah just come back again they just don't believe it they think it's a trap 1954 one of them gets killed in a shootout with the filipino army who had doing like training exercises nearby so for the next 18 years it's just hero and one other guy and they're basically living off these raids that they do they go into villages take their food burn their rice as well which just fucks off the villages obviously but apparently that was one of their last the last missions that they'd been handed 25 years ago set yourself some goals they're actually they're estimated to have killed 30 civilians in hell during their time there which it's quite annoying if you buy a house in the countryside in the Philippines they're like just one thing to let you know about there are a couple of guys that knock about quite militant Japanese holdouts just over those hills Japanese soldiers don't leave your rice out overnight to burn rice just so annoying like the war's over I'll show you their FIFA card yeah

49:451972 they get into another shootout with the police and Hiro's mate is killed so it's just him now and in 1974 so almost 30 years after the war finished this Japanese adventurer tracks him down and Hiro later describes him as this hippie boy who came to the island to listen to my feelings because surely they've got culturally like such different vibes yeah this is this is like the 70s now yeah it's like this long-haired hippie guy yeah john lennon glass comes in with a smoky camera what's your vibe now man how's it going you're good still peace and love man yeah little hello kitty trinket on his backpack anyway so he he sort of befriends hero in the jungle and Hiro tells him that the only way that he's going to come back is if he gets an order from his commanding officer to stand down.

50:44So surely Hiro now gets it. Yeah, but he's still not sure. Right. Still not 100%. He still thinks this hippie boy could be a trap. But hippie boy goes back to Japan and manages to track down his old major in the army who's now working as a bookseller. He's moved on. and he flies the guy over to the philippines to and takes him into the jungle to meet him and eventually after receiving the order from his this officer oh my god he agrees to surrender and come back to japan but gets back there and fucking hates it because yeah he spent the last 29 years in the jungle living off coconuts and spit roasted guinea pigs and thinking he thinks that he's been doing it for this like ultra conservative imperial japan gets back there and it's all hello kitty and revolving sushi bars ends up moving to brazil and opening a cattle run really because he can't stand he does eventually go back to japan he spends like half the year in brazil yeah yeah he actually he goes back to the island in 1996 because his wife has arranged a scholarship on his behalf at the local school.

51:55So he goes back there. He's probably thinking that a lot of time's passed. They're going to slap him on the back and laugh about old times. But instead, the head of the local village hands him a resolution asking him to compensate the families of seven people he killed. Does he? I don't think so. He's done the school scholarship. Get back to Japan. Get back to my singing toilet. Turns out, not so bad. That's amazing. It's such Culture clash. I remember reading about him ages ago and they said that one of the things they tried to get him to surrender, they started leaving newspapers from Japan that showed that the war was clearly over because the news was like, not about war.

52:36And he was like, that's not possible because the whole principle was we will never surrender. So as long as Japan exists, we must still be fighting. That's fucking mental, isn't it? Yeah. Quite a culture shock coming back to all that. Yeah. Yeah, it was... Yeah. I mean, I mean, Japan's still quite like a conservative place, isn't it? Yeah, in some ways. Yeah. His house is. All right. Well, if you're as dedicated to the upshot as Hiro is to Imperial Japan, then why not come and hold out in our jungle for 30 years? It's the Patreon. We're going over there now. Lots of Hello Kitty. Yeah. We're going to go and burn some neighbor's rice.

53:19Slaughter seven locals. For the emperor. Yeah, we are. we're going to go over there now where we've got an Ashes wrong and special because the Ashes the Ashes actually second test started today and I noticed England the England players have been getting harassed in Australia by the media the media obviously giving them loads of shit but the latest one was that they published photos of them riding e-scooters without helmets it's getting a bit desperate in my opinion but if you want to meet some real wrong-ins from England and Australian cricket then head over to our Patreon right now where we've done a combined side of ashes wrong-uns.

53:54There's fire bombers, fraudsters, quite a lot of womanising as well. A few dicks. Come and check it out. If you're not already a member, patreon.com forward slash Upshot Towers. Otherwise, we will see you next Tuesday. Tuesday's episode is The Other Beckhams. So, not David. Posh Spice, Brooklyn. Romeo. Romeo Dunn. All the others. All right, we'll see you then. Thanks a lot. Thanks, Jake. Thank you. Glad you're always, chaps. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. Thank you.

54:31Legally, we can't say drinking Storm makes you smarter and more focused. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking Storm. Storm, good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. Well, Lorenzo, the pitch looked good. Yeah, so green. USA Keeper was decent enough. Didn't have much to do. Ugh, 99 minutes. Not a single goal. Well, Bet365 sure came through, though. I bet$10 and got$150 in bonus bets, just for signing up. At least someone scored. Bet365. Winning is everything. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. 21 plus only.

55:12Must be physically located in Illinois. T's and C's apply. In-app only.