World Cup 2026 gets its first sex scandal

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1:55And we are, of course, sponsored by Injury Lawyers for You. Now, Starmer's out. England are shit again and the streets are filled with sweaty puce-faced wrecks One of them's actually sitting just to my right at the moment World Cup fever's upon us Big time How you guys doing? Not great You had a big one? Yeah, I'm sweating a bit Big one celebrating the nil-nil with Ghana My country needed me and I was there until 4am Unlike that useless lot in Boston, eh? Big time Ghana were great, to be fair Give them their flowers Park the bus Yeah, they were very, very good. Good to see Jordan Ayew working very hard for his teammates.

2:33Grafted, wasn't he? Yeah, it's not always a given that he will show such loyalty to his colleagues. I think we've talked about this before, that back in 2015, he was caught having an affair with the wife of Ghana's Afri Akwa, teammate from the national side, which all came out when Afri's wife sent a voice note to a friend and she revealed, Jordan Ayew intensely humped me for four years.

2:59did they need did she need one of those head bandages after full head just the bandage cap yeah yeah he was looking quite injury lawyers for you wasn't he come out of one of their adverts slipped on a banana skin in a factory and needed a full bandage on his head i do feel we saw some of that intense graft in boston on tuesday night big time he was uh intensely humping the back of Rhys James at one point.

3:28Anyway, that aside, I've been thinking about who deserves credit for that draw on the Ghana side because they really were fantastic. You know, Carlos Kiros, his wily tactics and his sort of New York, New Jersey gangster get-up. Yeah, it was a weird one, wasn't it? He did look pretty sick, actually. Yeah, sopranos. Sopranos, yeah. Got a lot of time for that. Or maybe it was the relentless tackling of Marvin Sinaya on the left wing, just negating the Anthony Gordon threat. Nope, there is only one man from the proud nation of Ghana who deserves credit, and that is, of course, the country's most celebrated witch doctor, Nana Kweku Bonsam, whose name translates as Devil of Wednesday.

4:11Devil of Wednesday. He looks terrifying. He's got a hell of a get-up, isn't he? Is that stuff on his shirt or is that jewellery? It's quite... I think that's just like witch doctor vibe you sat in a chair very similar to the one I am actually I mean we could put some beads on you and you were not far away I've always fancied myself as a bit of a witch doctor it's actually quite trendy in a way isn't it yeah you wear that the ass all shit like don't you me yeah I don't know if I I don't know if I could pull that off to be honest the curtains and chairs it's quite like you know it's sort of designer you see like fashion brand opening store opening things and like Shoreditch, there'd be people in that sort of thing.

4:53Do you remember we saw Tyrone Mings at Glastonbury? Yeah, he was dressed as a pharaoh. Yeah, again, quite unusual. Anyway, the Devil of Wednesday, as his name means in English, he said before the game, I have placed a curse on Harry Kane. And to be fair, he said, I'm not wishing, I'm picturing the Devil of Wednesday just rocking back in his grandmother-looking chair, sipping a spiced hibiscus tea with a self-satisfied smile. He did it. It's worked. Yeah. It's not his first victory. So he also claimed credit for a knee injury to Ronaldo at the 2014 World Cup, which came to pass. Yeah. So good to have.

5:35Yeah. I mean, does he work for other teams or is he just for Ghana? Just for Ghana. He's exclusive to Ghana. You can't get him for the sweepstakes. You can't hire him. do you grow podcasts mate I was in the pub watching it and it was like it was quite I was like fuck's sake what am I doing still out this time and then some I discovered that some guys that I play football with sometimes they paid a few hours before the game $900 for a ticket to that game which did make me feel a bit better about I actually think$900 isn't bad what? $900? for a nil-nil against you mate people are paying like five thousand dollars for tickets yeah but still when you're in the moment like you would but I think even if England had smashed them four nil it's the second group game yeah nine hundred dollars a lot of money so what is that on the resale platform I think it was on the resale platform is their strategy like wait till the last minute and you think they tank do they not tank then I think they didn't tank I think all England games are going to be yeah there were a lot of England fans there weren't there yeah but I think maybe also like that explains why there's been a lot of empty seats at some games because you're not getting there.

6:47Yeah. But if there is empty seats, surely the pricing then comes down. Apparently not. $900. There's always someone worse off than yourself. Actually, I'll tell you who got the game wrong as well. Rory the Lion at the Big Cat Sanctuary in Smarden, Kent. He was feeling pretty fucking smug with himself because these lions, they're doing the mystic animal thing where they predict the results. The mates with Paul the Octopus. Yeah, I think he's a distant cousin. Very distant. He basically he called the Croatia win and apparently even predicted that Harry Kane would score two by growling affirmatively at a tabloid reporter when asked.

7:28Does... Yeah. Do they not growl at any tabloid reporter? Yeah, I wonder if they're projecting. But to predict results, they do the classic thing. There's two flags and then the lions just bite a flag. A bit of a flaw. There's no draw option. Yeah, sure. So he should be fighting for a winner. But Rory, that fucking idiot, he bit the England flag. So. He hadn't spoken to the witch doctor. No. Maybe he'd been cursed. I don't know how far this witch doctor goes. So he got the Croatia game right and then got this one wrong. Yeah. So he's out really already. Yeah. Because I think to be considered a mystic animal, you at least need to get through the group stage with your...

8:06You need three and three. With a hundred percent ratio. Yeah, you need non-beat run. So what is the gamekeeper like cashing in on this lion? Well, I think he was and now it's curtains for Rory. Short-lived career. Yeah, he's dog food now, I think. Is that what happens to lions? They're apex predators, so. As for the fans, sounds like they were disappointingly well-behaved, which you hate to see. So there have been, in Dallas, there were a few incidents of people throwing pot plants off a balcony. A couple of early bar closures due to fans drinking them dry. But it's not quite, you know, the madness of Euro 2016 or the past there's a headline in the Times yesterday I think saying jolly England fans disappoint Americans expecting hooligans and they quoted a British policeman in it he sort of gets consulted by foreign police forces when the England fans come and he said that the American police for their briefing for preparing for England had prepared by watching Football Factory in Green Street that's fucking insane I absolutely love that love the idea of him just like watching Danny Dyer kick someone's head in yeah came down with their riot shields and then it's Zach's mates with$900 tickets were they also concerned that there'd be some like young little bright eyed bushy bushy tailed American who'd have joined in with the hooligans yeah some Harvard dropout Elijah Wood and also may I say an English hooligan with probably the worst Cockney accent ever you stand your grandma in flight Stand your ground and fight.

9:41What else are you going to do on a Saturday? I was horrified to discover that some England fans have been helping clean up like the Japanese fans. Fuck's sake. With their clear bin bags. They're even sorting the recycling from the general waste. Game's gone. Bloody disgrace. Game's gone. Letting their country down. Game's gone. So thank God for the message I received from my mate who was on the flight out for the game, BA flight, who finally gave me some news of a more sordid variety so he was on the BA flight it was for the Dallas game the first game against Croatia so the booze ran out after two hours fine those fun sized beers don't go very far and then he said one bloke shagged a random American bird in the bogs mid-flight and got cheered back in by the whole flight yeah nice kissing things off nicely tear to the eye that does yeah lovely yeah Dallas does sound like a hard place to get rowdy though It's so hot.

10:39El Scorcio. I did enjoy, so Barney Ronay, the Guardian journalist, gave quite a good account of Dallas. He was on the Grade Cricketer podcast. Here's what he said about it. It's full of immaculate parks with a single wanking homeless person in them and nothing else. There's a lot of that. It seems to be, that's the fashion here. I've seen five so far. One in a wheelchair. Which was, you know, fair play. I feel like that sort of thing does only happen in America, like wanking homeless people. Yeah. You don't get that here, do you? Have you seen it in the US? Yeah, you see some shit. When I went to San Francisco, they were like, you know, taking meth and like masturbating a lot.

11:21So I do get where he's coming from. They've got the best weirdos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was just the club that you chose to go to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He flew out with you that bloke, didn't he? That's your mate Pig, isn't it? Now, if you do want to get rowdy during a game, we have got something exciting for you. On Monday night, we are live streaming on Patreon at six o 'clock. It's the biggie. It's a knockout game that, which currently as it stands is Brazil v Japan, but it's a good game. Yeah. So it could be Brazil or Morocco and it could be Netherlands, Japan or Sweden. Great fixtures.

11:56So six o 'clock on Monday live stream on Patreon. So we'll be commentating along. We'll be doing scandals from whichever countries are represented. That's a good set of countries for scandal. I would say. banger especially Brazil hopefully Brazil will be in it I actually think Japan, Netherlands or Sweden is an absolute gimme yeah we'll be getting fruity join us 6pm I'm back in Japan I'd love them to do well I think Javan look really good yeah yeah solid aren't they disciplined that's sort of the new keep an eye out for Belgium though isn't it it's like the thing everyone's saying yeah do you know what I mean yeah I don't know didn't they win their last game 4-0 pretty sure yeah who?

12:34Belgium or Japan? no Japan yeah I think rating Japan's cliche in vogue yeah you know me you sheep so if you're not already a Patreon member patreon.com forward slash upshot towers we are like 10 away from our 4000th Patreon is there going to be a prize for the 4000th yeah sure JP will come and wank outside your nightclub take meth wherever you want wherever you want me to wank I'll wank can't promise anything better than that what more can you ask for so yeah join us for that on 6 o 'clock on Monday UK time actually I've heard about another place where I wouldn't be surprised if those kind of antics go down and that is the World Cup themed drug shack that got busted in Mallorca have you seen this?

13:23it was awful so yeah you know it well I'm sure there was this little stall behind Mallorca airport that had it looks they've done a really nice job with the decoration and they painted it out with these huge Espana signs as flags. And you go in and they are selling coke and crack. They've got like drawings of the players outside. It's really nice. They've put the effort in. Special discounts on match days. Unfortunately, the Spanish police did catch on to what was going on there and raided it the other day. We've got a clip here from Spanish News. Oh, yes. Oh, no. it's like uh so we so we're looking at so it's they've done really well it looks it looks insane it looks like if i was driving past that in mallorca i would think it's like a nice little like spanish deli yeah it looks like a pilot stand at glastonbury i was gonna say it looks like you know like six o 'clock in the morning when you're walking back at glastonbury and you're like walking through shangri-la and there's like a weird stage playing like yeah really scary music ambient techno oh wow they've got a lot oh yeah coke 45 euros bass is speed isn't it bass is crack I think it's slightly different and then ceballo which means horse which is heroin right and I think they've got some valium there as well maybe that's why not but like it's literally on the roadside there are like flags leading you up to it it's like watching your favourite pub burn down sorry for people just listening they're demolishing it with a bulldozer yeah they've gone right through it bastards I mean, they've really, they're not trying to be discreet with this, this shack.

15:00Yeah. So what's their vibe? Like, are they just like... They're drug dealers. But what are they doing there? No, but it's in like, surely if you're drug dealers, you need to keep it under the cost. I know, you would think that because that, like you're really drawing attention to yourself. He's literally beside the airport. He's like, genuinely. Also, as you're driving out the airport, you can sort of, you can probably see it from the sky. It's so bright red as you're landing. yeah but so I don't know if you saw they've got players painted on the outside they've got Pedri Raul Casillas Ferran Torres so it's sort of a mixture of the current squad and the legends the legends the cokey ones yeah how wide isn't those players is Pedri yeah I mean Casillas isn't forking out 60 euros for some base famously stingy yeah but I bet he's there on the match day when Spain wins yeah oh he's a discount you said well I don't do smack but I love a deal free for 100 mate go on free crack pipe free crack pipe with your order if Mikel Oyaza VAL scores yeah but sadly no Laminya Mal up on the wall no Laminya Mal yeah he's too clean he's underage isn't he yeah but yeah sadly the bastard police have demolished it now spoil the fun the fan zone yeah that looks like a better fan zone than anything I've seen in London big time yeah everything in London is 20 quid to get a ticket to go into and you call them.

16:27Yeah, this place, they just put a big screen outside. You pop inside for a quick, a quick needle. Yeah. I don't know what what the World Cup on smack is like. It doesn't sound like. Probably very fucking amazing. It would have improved that England-Garner game. England-Garner would have been a fucking belter.

16:47Yeah. But actually, thanks to, I can't remember who sent it in on Insta. Someone sent this in on Insta. Sorry, I've forgotten your name. His name has bull in it. It's like a... Yeah, thank you to whoever sent this in. But also pointed out that if you search 618 Sonriera on Google Street View, you can see the shack before it was demolished. It's very much worth it. As you come along the road, you can see two blokes standing outside it who look very much like they're dealers. I was going to say they're punters. No, they could be. But it's quite funny. As you come along the road, you can see the guy like pointing, spotting the Google Street View car like this.

17:26And then as they come past, he's like, open arms, like fuck. Will you fuck off? Trying to run a business. Yeah. Covers a bit blown when Google Street View car comes, you know, with that rotating camera comes straight past you. Waymo. Also, there are literally flags leading from the road. It's like Wembley Way leading to the shack. I'm getting very much Shangri-La vibes. Yeah. So we reckon they're the proprietors. They did blow out their faces, Google. Small concession. They always do that though, don't they? Yeah, maybe. I mean, it's never been more important.

18:03That's excellent stuff. Sorry to report that as Brian Brad, that drug shack. I have a feeling they'll be back. Yeah. You can't evict an idea whose time has come. Cape Verde theme. Yeah. Jump on the bandwagon. If your business runs on five different apps, 12 browser tabs, and one spreadsheet that everyone's afraid to touch, it's probably time for Odoo. Odoo is an all-in-one business management software that connects every part of your business into one powerful, easy-to-use platform. So instead of wasting time switching between disconnected systems, your entire business works together in real time.

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19:29That's what we're here for. And guys, I'm pleased to report that the head of the Brazilian FA has stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park. So this is Mr. Samir Shoud, who is the Brazilian FA chief. Who's our FA chief? Is it? I was just thinking that. I want to say David Dean. Yeah, me too. It could have been from like 2008 or something. And I'd like to emphasize David Dean has not had a sex scandal at this World Cup yet. so Samuel Schaoud has been caught using Brazilian FA funds to fly his mistress out to a swanky New York hotel during the World Cup he's a married man so his mistress is a fitrous entrepreneur Camila Cristina Andrade sounds like the menu at that roadside show and she spent eight days at Manhattan's Hyatt Regency Grand Central on a reservation booked under Shout's name.

20:29That's a very fancy hotel. Eight fucking days. And they were papped at a restaurant. Here they are. Surely they know they're going to get caught. He's like high profile. Yeah, I have to say he's very sexy for an FA chief. Yeah, I mean, he's gorgeous. He's a hottie. Big time. Big time. In fairness to him, he racked up an 11 and a half grand bill on this trip. On the company card. On the company card. Okay. And he then flew to Brazil to watch a women's game before heading to Mexico City where he met up with his wife, also on the company dime. I think the Brazil FA needs to start having a bit more oversight on company expenses.

21:05Yeah, you can set limits on these cards, can't you? It's actually not his first offense as well. So last year in December, you will no doubt remember it was the FIFA Intercontinental World Cup. Of course. Which is, you've probably forgotten this tournament exists, but it's the winner of like the Champions League and its equivalents in each continent play. So 16 tournament. it was in Qatar oh yeah yeah absolutely pointless tournament and old Sammy was there of course he was representing the Brazilian FA and this time he paid for a hotel for a different mistress Tamares Fernandes Barcellos whose job title I believe is Insta Hottie nice yep and a bloody good one good career yeah and that was another three and a half grand hotel bill plus business class flights also on the company dime he must have some decent air miles at this point yeah surely his wife's absolutely fucking fuming she must know if everyone knows so this has been on this has been out on Brazilian press like in the last couple of weeks and stuff but apparently the Intercontinental World Cup one was already known he has now repaid the bill for New York right out yeah fair enough out of his own money seems fair but yeah I don't know what his wife's making of all of this presumably not happy I mean he's too sexy to be an FA chief yeah he needs to be dusty Yeah.

22:26Yeah. Actually, I saw though, despite all this scandal, he was at the Brazil-Haiti game, flanking Infantino. Of course. Yeah. And then did you see John Terry was behind Infantino last night? So is that just like one seat for the Shagger? Legend Shagger. Yeah, JT. He's on a bit of a PR hike at the minute because he's been coming out saying he was utterly shocked he didn't get the Chelsea job in the week. What? I see that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For the, for the interim job, he was like, I am the most qualified, I was the most qualified person. Has he ever had a management job before? Yeah. I mean. He's been assistant manager, right?

23:02Have a villa and he's been Chelsea's or youth coach, hasn't he? But I, yeah, he was, yeah, he was doing it. Only six months ago, he was like, I'm really enjoying it. It's like a couple of days a week, part time thing. And I'm just doing my thing. Yeah. He seems to be popping up a lot. Yeah. Yeah. The Infantino friendship is concerning me. Yeah. Where that goes. special it's going out to everyone all listeners in uh in about two weeks time it's very good on his story yeah if i say so myself um did actually hear whispers of one other bit of secret hotel shagging from the world cup this time from a player so shout out to john who messaged jp's gossip hotline um number in the in the episode description as always whatsapp us and he said that his cab driver in kansas city showed him a video of himself driving a member of the Argentina squad to early morning training from a hotel where he'd snuck off for a bonk.

23:58So he stayed in a different hotel to the team hotel. And apparently this player at one point sinks down low in his seat so no fans and press could spot him through the window. Wow, that's quite a, that's a bit of a scoop. Yeah. We don't know who it is. Yeah, I'm not, I won't say who it is, but I'm afraid it's not Leo Messi. That's disappointing. There are some Leo Messi stories, aren't there? We'll do them another time. So I watched this documentary this week, lost down Mexico way it's called follows this story of this group of lads from the Midlands who went to the Mexico 86 world cup and never came home it's good really good doc actually I recommend it as well on YouTube and it what I enjoyed is it like it frames this story as this like nostalgic coming of age adventure sort of it's a bit like in between this movie cross with green street um that's fucking great it's quite fun uh so they basically these guys they they left the the black country a lot of them were jobless there were a lot of not a lot of work there thatchess britain went off for this like adventure and to be fair they seem like they seem like good guys although as you watch the documentary there are a few signs that they were possibly sort of absolute bastards so it starts out introducing him there's Rabbit Head big music guy me and Rabbit Head we go down the record shop in Stourbridge he'd distract them and I'd nickel the record red flag then we'd add he once had three crowd court appearances at once so he just got out we used to have three years of a sick stretch for Robbie a local post office then ran over three football fans in Southampton by accident.

25:46And they're like, yeah, so we were like off for this trip. We're waiting at the station. Rabbit Head didn't show up for the train. We were like, where is he? And just before it arrived, Rabbit Head turns up. Turns out that Rabbit Head had a wife and a three-year-old daughter at home who he'd not told that he was going. And he'd basically, he'd packed his bag, thrown out the window, gone downstairs, told his wife he was popping out for a pint of milk. And fucked off. Didn't come home for 12 years. so we're talking wrong he's like 12 years he's just got out of jail for holding up a post office he's just abandoned his family and anyway they go off to Mexico the pesky responsibilities as a father are out the window and they have a great time they're off in Mexico turn up there they don't even know what language they speak in Mexico but they have a great time they're just like boozing in all these cantinas girls seem to love them apparently never never seen an english man before uh and they're just like partying a lot traveling all around mexico going to all the england games probably wondering how they're paying for this trip that would be insurance fraud only way to do it yeah yeah so they it's pretty quite smart actually they'd like taken taken out insurance before they went on their traveller's checks and they'd go down to the consulate in whatever town they were in tell them that their traveller's checks had been stolen along with all of this like designer gear that they had all these designer clothes and they'd cash in their insurance there and basically spend it all on brasses so at one point they discover the best brothel in Central America and they go there every night for a week they take travellers checks in there I think they've cashed it in it's all right and so they go to all the games obviously England get to the quarterfinal against Argentina it's the hand of God game Argentina fans hate England fans at this point because it's Falkland's war is just finished and after the game all hell breaks loose Argentina fans attacking them with sticks one of them gets stabbed in the leg with a flagpole poor old rabbit head gets thrown off a bridge fractures his skull breaks his arm arm and leg fucking hell does he stay out there?

28:17he's in hospital for like weeks the rest of them like can just carry on their trip there is there's one quite a fun moment sort of when they they get to Texas and they're staying at this hotel and they're out by the pool they've all got their England shirts on and someone comes up and is like oh my god are you guys are you the England team and they just play along and they're just like yeah no I'm this is Gary this is Gary Lineker this is like Peter Shilton and all the like American women stay at this hotel just all over them another guy Batesy shags a cougar who he's told he's Peter he's telling us he's Peter Shilton I'm saying you're Peter Shilton get the women hot in America in 1986 England's number one mate yeah I suppose there's no internet so they can't really check can they so you might as well exactly yeah play along and anyway they end up staying a while in Texas and a few weeks later he's got a job at this bar in Texas and the the cougar comes in with realises first that he's obviously not Peter Shilton what's Peter Shilton doing waiting tables at this like bar side hustle and even more awkward than that she's with her husband and her kid and apparently at the end of the end of the meal the husband's like thanks so much for the service like goes to tip it but he's like he's not getting a tip he's had his tip already um and yeah anyway three of them three of them never go home fuck one of them ends up marrying a miss mexico finalist and two a couple of the others stay in the u.s what a trip they still live out there yeah including the one who went out for the point of milk no he he's no longer with us yeah i swear i really i read one of them died right yeah yeah right um yeah i've got to say did he ever go home to his wife and kid did reconcile with his daughter in the end but apparently his wife yeah the daughter was like yeah mom never really got away for the milk yeah i think that's gone sour mate yeah i've got to say you do actually really warm to them.

30:30They seem like really good guys if you just ignore really nice women. If you just ignore the abandoning their wives and children, violently robbing local businesses, impersonating celebrities to trick women into sex. Relentless brassy. They're representing their country. You've got to do what you've got to do. Yeah, I mean, that's England fans doing it right. That's what I'm doing at the minute. Sort of. Doing it right. Yeah. It was a documentary. It's a documentary. It's actually, it's really good it's all and the whole thing's on YouTube it's only it's like 37 minutes what's it called? uh Lost Down Mexico Way popped out for a pint of milk yeah

31:13unreal it's uh I'd recommend it though it's a good one we'll link to it I like the Traveler Trek Fraud that's great yeah yeah you like a bit of that don't you? someone should make like a Hollywood film yeah yeah and uh actually if if Any of you listeners have been thrown off the bridge by some angry Argentinian fans fuming about the Falklands War. You might be entitled to a bit of compensation. And if so, you need injury lawyers for you. The personal injury lawyers who fight for you. Will they fight for you if you've robbed a post office? I think they'll be in the middle of a fraud. It's worth asking them.

31:53To be fair, if you slipped and twisted your knees, you fled an irate post office manager, are you entitled to compensation then? Depends, because if the post office has left boxes that you've tripped on, or maybe they haven't put a sign out. Exactly. If there was been a spillage in the post office and it slipped whilst trying to hold it up. It's at least worth an inquiry. It's worth an inquiry, yeah. Because it's no win, no fee. No risk. I do remember them saying, please, can you not send us loads of time wasters? Fill in the form. Have a look. Try the compensation calculator on the website. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

32:34Yeah, I don't know how it works with if you sort of did something wrong and then got injured as someone tries to apprehend you. Yeah. My mate broke his arm once. We were in Cardiff and he mooned a bouncer and the bouncer chased him and he ran straight into a concrete bollard and just smashed his arm. Did he sue the bouncer? Yeah, well, I think he's entitled to competition. God, mooning. Haven't heard that word in a while. It was a big, ugly moon. Mooning was big in the noughties, wasn't it? It's not really about anymore, is it? It was big in the... Actually, there's another part in that documentary where they're talking about one of the England games.

33:08Apparently mooning was a big thing for England fans back then. They just mooned the other fans. I can imagine that might really piss off certain fans. Yeah. show of disrespect. Yeah. And then they threw him off a bridge.

33:24So yeah, if you've had an accident that wasn't your fault, maybe it was your fault a little bit, but not really. Yeah. Injury laws for you. Only if it wasn't your fault. The Falklands War wasn't their fault. Yeah.

33:36Has a geopolitical situation caused you to be beaten up by people of another nation? Wasn't really an accident, either, the Falklands War was. Have you sunk a battleship by accident?