World Cup ‘26: Wife stealing strikers & Ecuador’s strip club sesh in NYC

0:28This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking storm. Storm, good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the contents of their freezer. So what does a bottle of Jägermeister say? It says you have standards. You don't cut corners. And you like your Jägermeister shots the way they're meant to be enjoyed. Ice cold. As for the frozen taquitos and mystery leftovers, we'll keep that between us. Drink it cold or don't drink it at all.

1:01Jägermeister. Damn, that's cold. Drink responsibly. Jägermeister liqueur, 35 % alcohol by volume. Imported by Mass Jägermeister, U.S. White Plains, New York. Calisberra. Welcome back to The Upshot. Sponsored by Injury Lawyers for You. On the show today, Scotland's wife-stealing striker, Ecuador's New York strip club adventures. Has Anthony Joshua been replaced with a clone? We investigate. My name is Jack. Hello, Zach. Hello Jack And hi JP Buongiorno fellas How we doing? Lovely thank you Back from your honeymoon Yep Back to the real world Two days at Margate That was it Yeah Now you're back to Back to the pod I've been ordered back Content treadmill It's the fucking World Cup We can't be having honeymoons Two days annual leave That is your lot Lucky you were allowed To get married Yeah Enjoying it?

1:50Love it mate Yep Totally different Yeah Talk about marriage At the World Cup I've been enjoying it maybe not as much as the Scotland fans though. They've been loving it. Getting really into the spirit over in Boston before their game against Haiti. Big time. Did you see the clip of the guy in a kilt just got off his plane complaining that they'd run out of booze on the flight? Apparently they'd polished off the beer supply within 15 minutes of takeoff. From Scotland? From Scotland to Boston, I assume. Personally, I think that's on the airline. Yeah. 15 minutes of takeoff. That's like a beer each and they're out.

2:27yeah I mean if the tartan army are on your flight just stock up a bit you've got all the miniatures and shit they just crack through there's tenants come in their little cans yeah fun size yeah I mean fair play to this it's their first world cup in 28 years do you see Rod Stewart was absolutely having it in the stands had about three drinks on the go yeah he's getting on a bit as well isn't he isn't it a porn star martini he's got is it a porn star martini yeah and then maybe a glass of wine glass of wine he's loving it I mean if you're a rock star at the World Cup, you're going to be drinking a Port and Star martini, aren't you?

2:59Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll write that. It didn't go down too well with Rod's fans though, his appearance, because, so he was supposed to be playing this gig on Friday night in San Diego, but at the last minute he cancelled it because of illness. He issued this gushing statement from his PR team. Rod travelled to the venue and made every effort to perform, but on the advice of his doctors and following a diagnosis of an acute upper respiratory infection that has resulted in laryngitis, he is unable to take to the stage this evening. Dog ate my homework. It did, yeah. And, you know, Rod fans were lighting candles in their vigil, just hoping that he would make a speedy recovery.

3:40And I'm glad to report that he did, because just a few hours later, he posted a clip of himself and his two sons on a private jet to Boston, singing, No Scotland, No Party. Here we are flying off to Boston see Scotland in the World Cup it's been 28 years so these kids I've told them about it but they've never been I've been to seven World Cups so this one Where have you been? I've been to Argentina, Germany, France, Italy, Mexico loads of them. That's six. This is the seventh. So we want them to get through to the next round and I'll die a happy man that would be great so come on Scotland go on boys no Scotland no party no Scotland no party don't do that what a that does what a miraculous recovery that does not look like what you should be doing if you've got an acute upper respiratory infection no Scotland no party and then get on three different drinks at the game out flower of Scotland to be fair he always does sound a bit a bit he's got he does there that is his vibe isn't it but maybe take it easy I don't think I don't think he's too concerned about the good people of San Diego who haven't been is California also he said he was at the Argentina World Cup that was the the military junta one yeah it was under the dictatorship sort of the most controversial World Cup well yeah up there quite a good one for Scotland though I think they had a pretty good team did they yeah something's more important than petty politics I wouldn't say I mean there's been some good clips of scotland fans out and about in boston doing the bagpipes on a on a slide on a on a on a boat tour of the harbour don't you think it's quite hit the heights of the euros a few years back though personally because you know when they i think it was 2021 when they came down to london to play england at wembley and the clips that time were excellent there was the guy who tried to cross the road uh got hit by a motorbike looks like he's had about 25 pints

6:02and then there was the guy who did the worm on the tube in the kilt

6:16Nice worm, that. Dance was all right as well. Yeah, I think disappointing lack of, you know, lifting the kilt and revealing what's underneath in Boston. Yeah, I haven't seen any of that. Not a ball bag in sight. I feel like if they start to progress, things will start to heat up a bit, though. I'll get more and more excited. Maybe Rod will get his out. I reckon Rod's ball bag is, like, sparkly. Yeah. Sequin-lined. Sparkly but quite saggy. very saggy saggy sparky thing do you think it's got the same like spiked hair yeah spiky hair sequence he's got a little mohawk over one nut or something like that but quite saggy quite leathery well we might get to find out if it does go to plan because they got a big big win in the first game beat Haiti Nervy Nervy finish against against Haiti yeah they were quite good yeah they got a big pop star fan too they got Wycliffe oh yeah Wycliffe Jean yeah I saw he's popped up yeah he popped up on OTV it's good to see him I think he someone was saying that he's famed for defrauding a big Haitian like charity concert out of money so maybe he's got to perform to pay him back this was what we all had to let down our fans to be at the game yeah him and Rod did he perform no no he's just on OTV just like sitting on Karen Carney's lap it was good I've got to say like because 1-0 I thought Scotland would win by more before that I'm sure they'd take any win But after the Cape Verde result against Spain, 1-0 against Haiti is looking like quite a good result.

7:45Yeah, mate. You don't need fucking goals, just get through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got some pretty tough games to come. Brazil and Morocco. Yeah. Big games. Scotland are going to need to have their strikers on form, aren't they? Among them, Mr. Lyndon Dykes. Lyndon will have had the whole nation behind him as he trotted onto the pitch. I mean, I say whole nation. possibly not his former manager Jim Thompson so Jim Jim's a club legend at Queen of the South 300 plus appearances as a player and then a stint as manager in 2016 when Lyndon arrived at the club he was 20 at the time he just moved over from Australia where he grew up and Jim you know he's a real arm around the shoulder manager and he was good and good enough as to let young linden come and live with him and his wife victoria and linden he he rubbed along well with the family very well in fact so well that victoria ended up divorcing jim and shak you up with linden instead Stingy one It is Yeah And he then had her name Tattooed on his hand And they had a kid Three years later Oh fuck What's the age gap?

9:04She was 35 He was 22 Just bursting Bursting onto the scene At Queen of the South Not too bad I mean it's unfortunate For our gym It's poor old gym Decent return for your Work experience Your gap year Yeah Go and do a year in England You know when you sign When you sign an up and coming Striker from Australia Hoping for You know maybe 15 goals In the Yeah the SPL not he steals your wife um god I mean not to like judge a book by his cover but I've got a picture of Lyndon here and I gotta say if you let that man come and live in your house he will bang your wife yeah never trust it's the tats the full body tats and then the little cheeky grin yeah yeah never trust a man with a compass on his arm.

9:53Has he got a compass? He's got a compass on the left arm, hasn't he? We just... Just out there. Can't really make out any of the other tasks. Somewhere is Jim's wife's name. So is he still with her? It's not a moral compass, is it? Yeah. No, no, no. No moral. No moral. Is he still with her then? Yeah. I think he is. I think so. They've had a daughter called Time. Time? Yeah. Like the herb or like the dimension? Like your fucking watch. Oh, right. Are you joking about Time? Time Dykes. Time. yeah I mean it's a tough surname to pair a first name with yeah time yeah right I think the herb would be quite cool oh yeah is it Tim is it pronounced Timmy is it Tim T-I no it's T-Y I mean honestly the big bang on the names has happened so you can just you can just pick any anything you want now can't you and just go for it I'm thinking about coriander at the minute

10:44I mean rosemary yeah rosemary dill dill basil basil everything i like to put on a roast chicken yeah cumin marjorie marjorie that's a name that's nice herbs not spices there's actually quite a lot of herbs come here paprika that's gonna i can see that one yeah yeah uh so so what a little russell

11:14famously hard to get that one as well

11:21sumac uh it's gone a bit waitrose now yeah much like premium what what became of jim then he's obviously lost his wife to scotland's most exciting young striker uh jim so well jim actually sadly ended up being banned from the queen of the south trading ground after that this is actually true it was an interim job right he was yeah he was interim manager or was he coming and making a nuisance I think he was making a nuisance of himself right throttle throttle the Linden Dykes I think probably absolute stitch up yeah you know he gave everything to that club he did club servant possibly too much he's absolutely legend yeah everything yeah what kind of bockies do we reckon Linden Dykes is rocking we see them in the in the tat pick the you got a bit of oh no no not really some tight some tight ones I was going to say tight ones and I reckon he's either a Calvin Klein or an FC UK man yeah I think a French Connection pair of boxers yeah and manscaped to fuck underneath would he go for the Cristiano Ronaldo boxers or David Beckham boxers oh yeah really tight really well groomed not a pubic hair out of place no he's manscaped not like Rod's stuff well he's definitely not in wide fronts and I think by all accounts Y-front sort of started to go out of fashion in the early 1950s but it looks like our man Harry Kane is bringing them back because he was spotted in a lovely off-white pair this week at a photo shoot and it's safe to say the internet has gone mental some people are saying what a lovely arse others are saying surely he can afford better pants if he's on 300 grand a week got a pick, oh right, yeah we can see him here It's quite a flat ass, actually.

13:10I don't know. It's a lovely ass, I think. No, I like a bit more cushion. Yeah, I want a bit. You want a bit more cushion. I mean, he's a brave boy doing that. You know, apparently the photo shoot had about 100 people there. And if you get skiddies at that point, yeah. What, you reckon in those you see them? Oh, big time. What is, where are they? It's a photo shoot. Yeah, it's a photo. They just snapped his ass. Yeah, someone had taken a cheeky photo of Harry getting changed. You sometimes in the gym see an old fella. Yeah. In a pair of them. and they're greying a bit. Old school. But Harry Kane's a bit of an old school striker, so I quite like it.

13:43I quite like it. Some footballers do wear these, right? Because they're like jockstraps, basically. Yeah, I think most of them are sort of boxer lads, sort of like long shorts. There was, you know that Trek Artista Instagram page? He did a caption over it saying, the only people who wear these are old blokes who fought in the war and trade spotters. That's about right. That's good. That's about right. And rumours were swirling that Harry was trouserless because England actually had a robbery this week at their training base in Kansas. So apparently in the dead of night, two men made off with nine pairs of boots, goalkeeper gloves, a match day football, some match-worn shirts, Tommy Tuchel's electronic whiteboard, God knows what would be on that, some stuffed animals, and my personal favorite, some Lego Nike shoes.

14:33So then you make them. Oh, wow. That's quite good. When we were on tour, I went in one of the airports, they had a Lego shop and they've got this adult Lego like that. And they've got mad shit that you can make. Yeah. And I had to look online, Lego aren't affiliated or sponsoring the England team. So I assume either one of the England players is making Lego in his spare time. I mean, it's quite a good activity, isn't it? What about the soft toys? Who were they for? Well, apparently loads of soft toys got nicked, but apparently the Leo the Lion got left, which was quite sad. Oh, really? Yeah. He was a key witness.

15:04that's that's that's uh injury lawyers view mascot isn't it oh yeah that's leon um uh yeah and i can confirm all the kit has been returned uh the two guys have been nicked apparently they've got a 75 000 bail they're taking it quite seriously uh and unfortunately harry k's wife runs oh they didn't just imagine them like cracking open the shipping container it's going to be all these like predator like whatever the the top of the range nike boots it's just 700 pairs of white white front and leo the lion tommy tuckel's gimp mask it was the couriers wasn't it yeah they were taking it from florida couriers yeah they were taking it from their old base in florida to kansas and it was missing on the way yeah worth a shot yeah um but you're not going to get a lot for that crap so why nick it I reckon you could.

15:55Surely each pair of those boots were probably worth 400 quid. You reckon? Some of it was signed, I think. Yeah, maybe. In a while, yeah. Probably not worth it really, was it? Also, but weren't they the drivers? It's quite obvious. This ain't the great train robbery, is it? See you in Kansas. See you in Kansas. Drives off and just doesn't arrive. You got any suspects? This isn't the Hatton Garden heist. The great trainer robbery. I also got sent this banner this week on quite a dodgy whatsapp group I'm in and yes it is offside I admit that but it is very catchy I'll read it out it says Tuchel you're the one Churchill bombed your mum football's coming home again I think it works I like it I'd like that song to stick around it really does but it's a bit they're probably already singing it Yeah, it's a bit harsh on Tommy, isn't it?

16:52He's had harsher punishments. Yeah, true. Tommy quite likes it. I don't know any England fans already out there listening because I've spoken to a few who are going, but a lot of people are going a bit later. If you're already there, we want to hear the wild shit you're... We want to hear the anti-German songs you're singing. Yeah, big time. Why fronts you're spotting lying on the floor. Yeah, send us in your shit. JP's Gossip Hotline. Yeah. Which is 07354 079834. I'll put it in the description as well 24 hours a day baby we were like the guy when Zach and I were at Dormand at the Euros the semi-final the last World Cup last Euros and we got woken up in our holiday inn the morning of the semi-final this bloke who was screaming at the hotel staff because there was no iron in his room for his England shirt and he just goes it's the semi-final I need to look crisp representing your country mate yeah I agree so we want that sort of thing just like England fans up to whatever they are.

17:51So, see, Iran got put straight on a plane after their game. Marched onto it. Did they? Ice marching them. Yeah, 11pm flight after the game straight back to Mexico. I did read the US, maybe the State Department, I don't know who's in charge of this, Homeland Security said, we've given them temporary visas but we've warned them to not sneak any terrorists in. Now, boys, before I give you these visas, I am warning you. Do you promise you won't sneak anything Paris. But this is... You boys are like. With your bombs? It's like they have that question on the Estas, isn't it? It's like, have you ever been a part of a terrorist organization?

18:29Yeah. That's why we had to cancel the trip. Yeah. That time you participated in genocide. It's a mental question. Anyway, the Yanks law enforcement might not be giving people much of a welcome, but down in Mexico, the vibes are a lot more friendly. I bet they are. So did you see on the weekend, they put on an extra Day of the Dead parade this year, a football themed one. Sick. Just like, it's not Day of the Dead, but it's sort of like us just putting a Christmas parade on in June. And it was football themed. It's why the Day of the Dead parade is not even a thing in the first place. It was made up by James Bond.

19:05Yeah. They copied it from one of those recent Daniel Craig films. Day of the Dead is a thing, but the parade's new. We'll wheel it back out. Why not? Yeah. But yeah, it's apparently it's a great vibe out there. None of these$150 train rides and games. In fact, in Mexico City, they've built a 24 kilometer cycle lane. So everyone could just, you can just cycle around the whole city to the stadium. Great vibe. And apparently it's really welcoming on the route. You know, it's lined with sombrero salesmen. You've got leathery abuelitas charring corn for delighted tourists. Although not everyone on the route is giving such a warm welcome.

19:41This cycle lane also passes through the city's red light district. And because it's been built on the side of the road, curb crawlers can no longer pull over to haggle with the local sex workers who are standing on the street corner. And the local brass are absolutely fuming. You would be. They said that their earnings have dropped by 70 % because of this fucking cycle lane. Because no one wants to pull over. Yeah. And to be fair, they'd already taken a massive hit when we cancelled JP's visit. Yeah, they weren't happy, were they? Yeah, yeah. Actually a big hit for Mexico's grey economy in general.

20:16They'd really been banking on you coming. But yeah, so they... I've got a clip actually of them here. This guy's cycling down the cycle lane with like a helmet on, really well behaved. And he suddenly gets swarmed on by some very angry sex workers.

20:53have that mate

20:58you ruined my career I'm taking your camera your GoPro she's fucked off understandably 70 % I was thinking imagine if you'd gone to Mexico City for the world cup you like told your family and everything and then they switch on the news and you're there arguing with a load of prostitutes on a straight car. It was about the cycle lane. We were debating city rezoning ordinances. Of course you were, mate. Oh, that's fucking great. So they're fighting back. Yeah, well, fair enough. Yeah, I mean, it's not been adequately planned then, has it? Who's that guy from BBC Radio 2 who always films on his bike?

21:36Jeremy Vine. Send him out there. What I would like is, you know, at bus stops where they like divert the cycle later around the bus stop like that so the bus can still stop around the brasas this is a curb probably be quite efficient one of those little red lights for the cyclists probably be quite efficient great viewing while you're there just watching a guy leaning out of the window actually talking to Mexico City JP you found a great newspaper ad from the 1970 World Cup I did indeed yeah so this is a in a British newspaper advertising holidays for it. It says, Mexico World Cup 1970. Three weeks holiday.

22:20Seats are all England's preliminary matches plus quarterfinal, semifinal, third place playoff and final. First class travel, jet flights, all transfers, 250 quid. Including brasses. Yeah. Cycle helmet extra. I looked up, okay, so first of all, that was 1970. So that's actually like five grand now. Still reasonable though. Yeah. I mean, for tickets to all the... Every game. Every game. Flights. Plus flights and hotel. Amazing. That's like, that's a deal. Yeah. Five grand. Yeah. I guess Mexico City was quite a different city back then. Yeah. Wouldn't have been any of those pesky cycle lanes getting in the way.

23:01Yeah. I actually Googled it because I know where your mind's going, JP. And in the late 1970s, a gram of cocaine on the streets of Mexico City typically cost between 70 and 100 US dollars, which in today's money is$350 to$500. It was way more expensive in the 70s, wasn't it? Because there was no... They hadn't been industrialized yet. Yeah, they hadn't. Yeah, Sinaloa cartel hadn't. So, you know, people complain about the time we live in. You know, the young generation have it so hard. Look on the bright side. Yeah. No pub grub back then. Yeah. Now, coming back to football and the World Cup, you see Tunisia have sacked their coach after the first game.

23:40They lost 5-1 to Sweden, so disappointing result, but still seems harsh. Yeah. What are you going to do? Who are you going to get in now? You might as well just stick to him. Well, they have found demand for the job. They've hired Harvey Renard, who you might remember. He was the guy. He's a French manager. He managed Saudi Arabia at the last World Cup when they beat Argentina in the first game. Big, giant killing. Have you been on his Wikipedia? We've got it here. it's proper football manager journeyman stuff it's a real Cambridge United then Vietnam a Vietnamese club France Zambia Angola Zambia Ivory Coast Morocco Saudi Arabia French women Saudi Arabia he's the guy he's like the he's the Lutz Pflannensh deal of management he's been he's a bit more dishy I would say as well he's quite a and his name means Fox Renard does it?

24:33yeah I think so I like him already he's a wily fox oh is this him? yeah So we mentioned, I think during the last World Cup when he beat Argentina with Saudi Arabia, that his wife, the lovely Vivian Dier, she was previously married to a guy called Bruno Metsu, who is the manager behind Senegal's miracle win over France at the 2002 World Cup. Everyone's got a type. Viv's type happens to be jobbing French managers who pull off famous upsets in World Cup group games. only opening group games only first round well that's not it's quite niche it's not a good sign then for um oh good point yeah she must have the dating app filters pretty fucking narrow yeah like our specialist agency there ain't too many fellas out there that do that so does Roy Hodgson have that in the record maybe I'm not sure yeah I wish she's going next so this is them side by side this is her with her two two husbands Herve on the left and Bruno on the right who I think they both have extreme Frenchmen living abroad vibes, don't they?

25:42There's two types. You know, there's Herve, the suave, mysterious heartbreaker. And then Bruno, who looks more like a sort of dishevelled, eccentric academic who's starting a new life after he was sacked by the Sorbonne for nobbing his students. They both stink of six. Oh, big seven. 40 a day boys. Yeah, there's definitely three glasses of wine at lunchtime. Who's your heartbreaker? Are you going Hervé or Bruno? I mean, he's quite a lot better looking than Bruno. She's in France with Senegal. It was big. Famous. Yeah. Staying with the World Cup, you see South Korea, they got a win in their first game against Czechia.

26:27That game was in Mexico. I saw a great clip of South Korean fans with a load of Mexican locals doing Gangnam Style.

26:54Just like, look at this. This is what the World Cup is about. Mexicans and South Koreans dancing to Gangnam Style. Are there loads of South Koreans in Mexico? or something because apparently I read that Heung-min Son is particularly beloved in Mexico really? it seems random but maybe there are a lot I don't know I feel like Mexico just feels a lot more fun than the US I think the US is fun when you're there it's just getting in I did see though that South Korea have had a big falling out with their own press because a Korean journalist was caught on a hot mic slagging off Son Heung-min's military service he didn't work hard enough we only did three weeks because he got a gold medal if you remember.

27:33Oh yeah. Or a medal. I think it was gold. And so he only did three weeks and they were literally saying that they were like he only did three weeks and it got cool and now the South Korean squad are refusing to speak to the press. To all the press. To their own. Yeah, they like failed to turn up for the interview and stuff. And did you see one of the goal scorer against Czechia did like a very pronounced like bow towards Son obviously being like respect him. Saw a good clip actually from their training session where Lee Kang-in you know the guy who plays for PSG he's on his phone at the edge of the edge of the training pitch and the manager walks past and grabs the phone off him looks like some like henpecked head of year eight we've got a clip

28:19he's like I love that thank you he's like oh fuck I've been done you're such such a teacher face I don't care I don't give a fuck and they got like Lee Kang his mates just cracking up I'll take that I'll just play with the grass I don't give a fuck Like, take it. I've got another one. You can just imagine him. Oh, what's that, Lee? Something you'd like to share with the class? Something funny? Go on. I'll have that. Thank you. It's got off lightly there. Yeah. To be honest, Lee actually does sound like the sort of kid who you've got to keep on quite a tight leash. Because a couple of years ago, if you remember Jürgen Klinsmann, he was managing Korea for a while.

28:54And I imagine that Jürgen had quite a different vibe to that Korea manager and some of the others that they've had in the past. Because, you know, we said, they won't mind us saying, it's quite a traditional, quite hierarchical place, Korea. And Jürgen, not quite that vibe. You know, he'd spent quite a long time living in California, quite laid back. Yeah, a little hippie. And I'm picturing him swanning in with a pre-rolled spliff behind his ear. And anyway, the sort of relaxed vibes around the camp started to rub off on young Lee. who decided he would slip off from a team dinner at their training camp to go and play table tennis with a couple of his pals, as you do.

29:40That did not go down too well with Heung-min Son, the captain, who, as soon as he realized that Lee was gone, stormed over to confront them, dragged him back by the collar to the table, and it was a bit of a scrap. Son ended up with a dislocated finger. Fucking hell. and yeah it caused a big scandal in Korea ping pong gate do you ever really see that side of Sonny that often no exactly I mean he's tough but Lee ended up flying to London to apologise in person to Son afterwards do you think under his breath he was like and you didn't do much military service by the way and you're a fucking pussy in the army sorry sorry about that fuck you fuck so who got dislocated fingers Son Son yeah he played because they had a game like the following day and he had to have his hand up bandaged.

30:26Wow, I think that would count as an injury that wasn't his fault, wouldn't it? Definitely wasn't his fault. It would be. If a disobedient colleague were to injure your finger, then you might be able to make a claim against them. Probably would, it would be foolish not to. I know, just the guys. You'd be foolish not to call them. Injury lawyers for you. Yes, we've reached the hydration break stage of the podcast. Get some water on. Discuss your tactics. I've actually been looking at Injury Lawyers View on their website. They have a list of things you can claim for. It's a bit of inspo. Nice. A mood board, if you will.