Zlatan Ibrahimovic: get the milk, asshole (with Joel Golby)

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1:08I recently got back from a holiday in Balec in Turkey. It was brilliant, but I did spend it looking longingly at the golf courses in the area. In reality, if I'd taken my clubs, I probably would have come back from that family holiday single. It's a brilliant place, stunning beaches, five-star hospitality in some of the best hotels on earth. But for me, just getting out on those courses would have been the icing on the cake. Search Turkey on TripAdvisor now to book your ultimate golf holiday in the Turkish Riviera. Hello, Shotters. Before we begin today's episode, I have some exciting news for you.

1:45tickets to the upshots live tour are now on sale join me zach and jp as we tour five uk cities in april and spill the funniest stories in sport live tickets are now on sale to patreon members if you're not already a patreon member you can join at patreon.com forward slash upshot towers otherwise you'll have to wait for the general sale on Thursday and see what tickets are left I can't make any promises last time our live show sold out in 48 hours thanks very much Malmö, Sweden a 6 foot 5 arsonist speeds away from a burning hot dog stand in a rented Lexus little do the cops know the mystery bomber is playing in the Champions League on Tuesday night it's Zlatan Ibrahimović the cocksure striker with a criminal streak from robbing the manager to terrorizing randy priests this is his story uh welcome back to the upshot my name is jack hello zach hi jack hello and we are joined by special guest it's joel golby hello welcome joel thanks uh big jlatan fan yeah i never figured out whether i liked him i think with footballers you make your mind up quite early don't you like garnacho hate yeah and i've hated him like since day dot loathe a little boy but yeah like uh you make your mind up about footballers quite early but with ibrahimovic especially as like i was young when he broke through and then obviously i aged with him that's how the passage of time works i'll explain it to you later i really flip-flopped on whether i liked him all through his career he's he's a 12 year old boy who likes comic books and has tried to adopt he's Do you know what he actually is, I think, is a teenager who's read The Game and is trying to talk like a pickup artist.

3:41So, like, I watched this interview with him on Jimmy Kimmel, late career when he joins LA Galaxy. And he's being like, you are welcome. Gelatan has come to LA. You are welcome. My gift to LA. And it's like the words are really arrogant. The delivery is actually a bit weak. Yeah. I don't think he's got the charisma that he's not quite got it, has he? That's mine.

4:01Joel Golby:Yeah, we've been debating this during the week. I actually quite like him. And I know that there's this arrogance that makes him seem, I don't know, like a bit of a cock, really, which I really see. And I feel like in other people, I would hate that. But for some reason, I do kind of get on board with it with him. It's weird. I love arrogance. I think it's great. But I sort of don't quite believe his shtick. Exactly. That's my issue. Yeah. Joel, should we promote some stuff? No, don't worry about it. It's fine. There was a book last year. You can buy it if you're into me. Joel's book, Brilliant, Brilliant.

4:36No, not that one. Four Stars, forget that one. I'm sick of... Okay, which one do you want to... I'm sick of people trying to say brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. That was a curse of my life calling that book out. The good one's called Four Stars. It's out in paperback, which obviously is easier to carry around. It's very good. There's an audio book if you're into it, but I've got nothing to promote. But yeah, follow me on Instagram. Yeah, what is it? At Joel Golby. Yeah, easy peasy. Link in our show notes. Do the bio thing Yeah check him out Cool Alright Great That was a good intro That wasn't very arrogant It wasn't very Zlatan It wasn't So this thing where you're like Chewing the Z This is how we're meant to say it I am I don't know It's like a ZJ sound Is this just my assumption About a Slavic word Okay It means gold In No wonder he's arrogant A Balkan language Yeah I'm not sure Yeah

5:26Joel Golby:Okay So he was born in Sweden In 1981 His parents moved there From former Yugoslavia and he had a pretty rough childhood growing up. It's quite a difficult neighborhood and he's raised by a single mom who could be pretty tough on him and his siblings. So he later said, there was no Swedish civilized conversation at home like, darling, could you please pass the butter? It was more like, get the milk, asshole. We're looking at a picture of him as a kid. He looks sort of three or four there. He's a very sweet child. and actually he was he says he was pretty well behaved up until the age of six when his BMX gets nicked and he's absolutely heartbroken about this the BMX was his pride and joy but Zlatan decides if you can't beat them join them and he becomes himself an expert in nicking bikes to pick the locks and you know that's quite cool yeah he's enterprising I think you're trying to sell me on this guy yeah I think he's just I think the Louvre heist has given me the appreciation Is that how you nick bikes?

6:34You pick the lock? What about a code lock? It was older than this, wasn't it?

6:38Joel Golby:These days you'd go just get little handheld things. Circular saw. You need different tools for different locks. I mean, he was only six at this point. That's quite young to be that pesky. Do we believe that? There's a lot of bike theft in this. it does it escalates from that as well so he gets into shoplifting uh also he said he said he'd sneak out quite often to just go and egg people's houses in the night okay nolly boy um so yeah he's he's a bit of a bit of a bit of a nuisance around his neighborhood in malmo but when he's not egging houses with burford browns uh zlatan spent most of his time kicking a football around and you know he loved it he tried out loads of different youth teams but he says he often struggled to fit in with his teams until he joins FBK Balkan, which is a club founded by Yugoslav immigrants, where he found he fitted in quite a lot better.

7:38Joel Golby:So he said in his book, at other clubs, the Swedish dads would stand around and call out, come on, guys, good work. At Balkan, it was more like, I'll do your mum up the ass. There were psycho Yugoslavs who smoked like chimneys and flung their boots about. And I thought, great, just like at home. Wow. That's weirdly romantic to me. Yeah, okay. The smoking, frightening Yugoslav dads. Yeah. When do you think he smoked his first cig? Probably around the near, sort of single-digit age. I'd be freaked out if I saw a, I'm assuming, eerily tall six-year-old, like, eating a cigarette. Also on a BMX. Stealing my bike.

8:15What are you doing with that? You're not going to argue with him. I'm not, no. No. Is that quite, again, Bulk and Humor's famously rude and dark, isn't it? So do we think, oh, fuck your mum and the ass? that's kind of like a term of endearment. It's like Ozzy's calling you a cunt, like a mate. It's a your mum joke, right? Yeah. It's a classic. Yeah, it's a good one. I mean, it's a spicy one. I like the characterization of the Swedish dads as well, being like, come on, guys. It just couldn't be nicer. He doesn't sound like he's fond of Swedish people, is he? He's like, oh, pass the butter. He finds him a bit wet, maybe.

8:46Yeah. He does kind of say, doesn't he, that I'm like, you know,

8:49Joel Golby:I don't have that vibe, the Swedish vibe. And he always, I think part of the reason why he has this super, bravado persona is that he says that he always felt like a bit of an outsider in Swedish society because of his background. Because I stole their bikes. He did make their bikes. We'll make you feel like it. Anyway, eventually it is time to move on from his Balkan teammates and join a big club. And at 13, Zlatan cycles up to a training session at Malmo, his hometown Giants. he does cycle up on a stolen bike you'll be unsurprised to hear anyway he does he instantly impresses them on the pitch like he's clearly prodigiously talented just naturally got that flair and the coach is all over him he's spotted his next star the other players aren't so keen especially after one of them puts in quite a heavy tackle on Zlatan and Zlatan responds by headbutting him so immediately we're seeing the signs of this guy pretty nuts and this causes quite a big furore because the Kids are upset about it and then their parents learn of it.

9:57And one of the, the child's dad starts a petition to get Zlatan kicked out of the Malmo youth team.

10:04Joel Golby:That's very Swedish dad. Yeah. It's a bit pathetic, isn't it? That's pathetic. This is, this, this is a whole thing. We've been like a parent that fills me with dread. You have to do these things. You have to care about these things. I don't think you have to do a petition though, do you? In it. But like, that's how carried away you get with it. FBK Balkan. That's a cigarette in the eye. exactly. They'll deal with that very quickly and he won't do it again. You won't hear about it. That's just today's headbutt. Anyway, the coach just ignores the petition. He's like, no, I've got a star in the making here.

10:36Although he's probably a little bit more pissed off when after training one day, Jlatan can't be asked to get the bus home. So he does his usual trick of nicking a bike, but it turns out to be the assistant manager's bike that was just left outside the dressing room. And they have to call a big team meeting, witch hunt, they bollock all the players. Zlatan does come clean afterwards to the assistant manager who's like yeah don't worry about it it's a whole book about stealing bikes there's a lot of bike theft it does it morphs into other crimes when does he stop doing that? surprisingly late I would say the crimes ends surprisingly late yeah he's still

11:09Joel Golby:yeah he's getting up to what we'll get there but meanwhile he's cracking into the first team at Malmo who are you know they are one of the giants of Swedish football but he's not taking things that seriously so every morning the squad have to go on this run through the city um you know in front of all their fans it's quite like a visible demonstration of their efforts but he just can't be fucked with that so he'll get the he'll he'll start the run hop on a bus and at the very end hop off i'm so glad he didn't say bike then i was about to he's obsessed this is just a podcast about bikes okay yeah um anyway malmah are actually in crisis at the time in 1999 they are relegated for the first time in 64 years so they're in a really bad phase but actually that's kind of ideal if you're coming up through the ranks because youngsters get more chances in the second tier and that's where he makes his name he's banging him in from elmo the tabloids become quite obsessed with this wonder kid they call him the super diva okay it's quite abba yeah that's good god they really didn't have many people around did they I was looking it up does Super Diva mean like I guess it means kind of wonder kid but apparently it means diva in the traditional sense yeah it means diva in the traditional sense I mean I can see it yeah he's a bit diva-ish isn't he the fans love him yeah so he very quickly there holding up signs saying Zlatan is our king and he claims in his book that the supporters club had a big influx of young female members at this time I had a look at the photos from the era in the stands didn't see many of the young female members it was just tubby blokes with flares middle age is there any way we can get hold of the Malmoy supporters club register I want to see the list I didn't see any women in the stands but maybe they were at the club putting out posts making signs can we see how many goals he got please I'm going to be calling on you quite a lot to open tabs Wikipedia is a rough guide it's never fully accurate 16 and 40.

13:11Yeah, that's not bad. So how old was he here in 1990? He was 18. He was 18. It's not bad. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah. Oh. Super Etan is the second tier. So he scored 12 and 26. You'll take that for sure. From an 18-year-old. Yeah. Anyway, he's actually finding it pretty easy on the pitch. And so he starts looking for his kicks away from the game. And one night he's bored with a friend and they decide, let's drive down to the Industrigatan. which is the red light district, basically. It's where curb crawlers pick up prostitutes. There's this one road. It's like an old industrial area.

13:47Call them sex workers now, mate. Sex workers. Pick up sex workers. I actually don't agree with that. I'm sticking with prostitutes. I'm not going to use it a lot. It's work. You got to call it work. Yeah. Anyway, so he says that he already knew the area well because he used to egg the women who worked there as a child. He's egging everyone. Eggs and bikes. He's a pesky boy, isn't he? Anyway, this time he drives down and he sees a woman leaning over the car talking to a client negotiating. And he decides to drive in front of this guy. He's in his like, he's got quite a nice car already, quite a fast car.

14:21Drives in front of it. And then he says later, I slammed on the brakes right in front of him. And we rushed out and yelled, police, put your hands up. And he's holding a shampoo bottle, pretending it's a gun. And this bloke in the car panics and speeds off into the distance. Just terrified. as Zlatan's finding it hilarious him and his friend cackling away they drive on and then they're sort of just like weaving around cars for fun when suddenly they see the blue lights in the rear view mirror and it's the police pulling them over and we've actually got a photo of the moment he's pulled over because a tabloid photographer was listening to the police radio and heard the whole thing so here it is you can see Zlatan and his friend are grinning that's great he's loving it that is like being 18 in a photograph isn't it that is superb I love that that is their that is their way

15:11Joel Golby:of getting kicks yeah it's Sweden isn't it look how dark it is that was 4pm June yeah yeah and the cop is sort of giving them a bollocking and they're just finding it funny apparently his mate framed the newspaper article and put it on the wall that's good that's good he must be relatively high profile at this point yeah it becomes quite a big scandal because he's really famous as the next big thing and they're like what is he doing driving around the red light district pretending to be an undercover policeman terrifying pervy curb crawlers um and there is a twist because the tabloids track down the man he terrorized and it turns out he is a priest he's a man of the cloth can i just say that's impressive journalism yeah you don't get that anymore do you i guess money's not in it phone hacking it's easier if we if we had that we'd never find the John.

16:04Wow. They got his ass. I don't know if he came forward. I find that hard to believe that he would. I wouldn't. But yeah, he was just, you know, just a man of God tending to his flock, crawling his Volvo down the industry garden, ladling

16:17Joel Golby:out soup. Was that his... So he said, I'm a priest and I was there. I don't think he's actually a priest. He's a preacher. He said he wasn't there soliciting. He was there tending to his church. I don't know why he had his trousers down I was negotiating in Krona I remember that passage of Corinthians I mean that is what you would say if you were caught curb crawling isn't it? You would be pretty fucked off I don't know how they managed that I think he likes to claim he's just looking out for them So he ruined a man's life, that's good and he's 18 and he's got 16 and 40 Yeah, and he's banging them in on the pitch.

17:00So he's top scorer in that season. They get promoted back. And pretty quickly, the foreign clubs are sniffing around. They've got word of this guy that he's a serious talent. He's invited to Highbury by Arsene Wenger. Oh, yeah. Who, they have a look at him, they have a chat, and then Arsene Wenger asks him to do a trial. And Zlatan Ibrahimovic has given a lot of interviews where he claims that at that point he responded, Zlatan doesn't do trials. yeah you see this is bullshit isn't it it is and in fact in his book he tells a different story i guess it was written earlier he says that he was desperate to do the trial but his club wouldn't let him because they thought it's like giving too much if you want to buy him just buy him kind of thing but isn't there a photo of him like literally holding the kit with his name on it yeah he poses in a shirt yeah could we have the photo please yeah like they printed up the number nine look at

17:50Joel Golby:that come on so there i mean the thing is that the the owner of malmo's point is that like we don't want him to do a trial because it weakens our bargaining position because him even the fact that he goes along to a trial shows that he wants to join so now that's so now they'll like yeah undersell they'll bid lower because they know he wants to come yeah but then they allowed him to pose in an arsenal show i'm confused but what is definitely he wants to go if he's there was definitely not true is he did not say Zlatan doesn't do trials to the most successful football manager in the world. Yeah, and also a chance to wear that amazing Dreamcast kit.

18:26Oh, yeah, it would have been then, wouldn't it? It would have been then. And what, Henri was there. Yeah, I mean, it was a great time to join Arsenal. Do your fucking trial. You can kick Franny Jeffers out of a team quite easily. Wasn't allowed. So he ends up going to Ajax instead. Seven million quid. It's quite a lot back then. It's a Scandinavian record. Okay. And he's 19. But yeah, anyway, Ajax.

18:46Joel Golby:oh yeah do your thing i won't look i'll look at you yeah you can you can go uh so he moves over to uh to ayax in absterdam and around this time he he has a bit of a whirlwind romance with a student called mia who he actually ends up proposing to and the tabloids catch wind of this proposal and a journalist asks zatter in an interview what he's got his girlfriend as an engagement present and he replies what do you mean present she got Zlatan which he's a bit of a twilight isn't he yeah this is what I'm talking about also even more of a twilight because he then broke the engagement off a few weeks later she didn't get Zlatan she didn't get Zlatan so that's the this is the beginning of the talking about himself in the third person 12 year old too many energy drinks yeah which which then he's only 19 at this point so maybe you could just say yeah that is just his still doing it thing his personality um he also makes his debut for sweden uh around this time and scores uh this game in this game against azerbaijan uh and after the game him and the rest of the sweden players go out to this nightclub in stockholm to celebrate and you know that'll be a good night and zlatan's actually invited along one of his old pals from from the projects he says uh who's in the club with the players.

20:09Joel Golby:And at some point in the night, he comes up to Zlatan and is like, Zlatan, look, can I borrow your hotel room key? And Zlatan sort of like, doesn't really think anything of it and gives his friend the key and has a good night out with all his teammates and then goes up to his hotel room at the end of the night. And his friend is in the room, just acting a bit jumpy, a bit nervous. And Zlatan opens his wardrobe and it's filled with Canada Goose coats that his mate has nicked from the cloakroom downstairs from all of his Sweden teammates. That's good. Did they find out? No. You say that as a victim of a coat theft.

20:46As a victim of a coat theft, yeah. This isn't on the record. I won't explain the whole story, but I've had a coat taken from me. I won't call it theft. But I like that. You don't get a pesky best mate anymore in football, do you? Because as soon as they're 14 and in the academy, they're like, we're not having a Ravel Morrison situation. where you should drop every loser in your life. Be normal. No stealing coats. This is real throwback shit.

21:12Joel Golby:But Volta Marder, the Newcastle striker, he's brought his best mate from Germany over and they're living together in a flat, I think, in Newcastle. Yeah, they're doing the sort of... Hopefully he's... I think they're quite nice, aren't they? Are they? I want to see him stealing Sandro Tonali. What, from a weatherstorm? Brogues, yeah. But I like that again. It's like putting a donkey in with a horse. calms him down it's like i like how sean dyche always like rents with his assistant manager does he i'm fairly sure i'm not making that up rent a house together yeah i think they just like cohabit together where they're like we're here for six months i'm not buying a place and then um okay yeah maybe i'm wrong but i'm i'm fairly sure it's like they live together which i do find very curious for two like mid 40s that's great i'm picturing a bit like peep show where maybe like sean dyche is the is the the really just like he always like leaves the toilet seat up his yeah he's the he's the jeremy and then he's got who i don't know who his assistant manager is who's the assistant manager please ian woan woan is running that dishmatic like it's and he's he's wiping up he's doing who's who's getting the the milk and the the butter is wearing isn't it that's you distribute these jobs out Wohan is definitely just mopping up Dai Chi's piss and they're both married I think yeah which is curious because there was that amazing Sean Dyche press conference when the Forrest one where he was talking about his genes he was talking about his daughter always having a go at his genes they're always wrong like when does she see him?

22:46yeah he doesn't see the genes at all he's in Nottingham with Ian Wohan yeah Ian's ironing his genes yeah exactly be like is this post for you? I just can't imagine those two co-hosts What are you doing living with another man in your 40s when you're both assumingly millionaires? Like, why is that happening? Is it a bit of a like war room scenario where we're just talking tactics constantly? I don't think it's that. I think they're like, they've got a PS4 because they don't want to spring for a full PS5. And they're just going through, you know, GTA San Andreas again. No one's stopping us. Passive a controller left and right doing all the cheats.

23:24Those cheats aren't getting changed very often. No way. No way Once a job Yeah Yeah yeah Once a transfer window West Brom will come in We can have fresh sheets then So do these Swedish teammates Catch his friend Nicking their coats Yeah Is it one of those Where you just have to burn the coats Yeah You're not coming clean It's too embarrassing

23:46Joel Golby:No they don't They don't catch wind of it But do they leave I guess they lose their coats Fortunately for Zatala's friend And they lose their coats That's unethical There's no happy ending So it's sort of a victimless crime Yeah That sort of thing certainly wouldn't fly back at Ajax though where Zlatan's new manager is a bit of a sadist. He dishes out these cruel, quite creative, sometimes quite fun punishments. But Zlatan describes him as like a goddamn Gestapo officer. So this one time a goalkeeper has the audacity to answer his phone during training and the manager decides that he has to spend a whole day manning the club's switchboard even though he doesn't speak a word of Dutch.

24:26Joel Golby:That's great. Which is, that's quite a fun one. They're not all quite that fun. So another time, three youth team players get caught having a night out during the week and they're forced the next day to rip off their shirts, lie on the training ground, and the rest of the team walks over them with their studs on. Yeah, that's not fun. Who was this horny manager? Who was it? Because this is a sex thing. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, Zlatan doesn't respond particularly well to this form of management. and his form's pretty patchy for the start at Ajax. He has these peaks who do amazing, amazing things, but also quite inconsistent, lots of troughs, which might have had something to do with his lifestyle.

25:06Joel Golby:So he spends his spare time racing around Amsterdam in fast cars, partying a lot. He also says, I went around with cherry bombs and illegal fireworks that we toss into people's gardens. New crime. I'm glad it's a new crime. I'm glad he's found something else. He's such a kid, isn't he? he really is he's just throwing things that's his beat too many E numbers you know what I mean too many yeah Sonny Delight Bag of Haribo and Razakar around a bit just terrorising the good people of Amsterdam cherry bombs nearly ruin his love life as well so around this time Zlatan meets his long term partner Helena so they meet in this car park in Malmo when he blocks her in with his Ferrari and they get into a big row in the car park but you know sparks are flying deep down uh she she's later said of their first meeting i noticed his big nose and the golden watch in his hand she sounds lovely great voice she's got her priorities in order yeah uh but they to be fair they've been together now for 20 years they've got two kids isn't she quite a bit older i think she is yeah not sure how much but uh she's definitely i'm gonna call it 15 years it's that territory that's what territory that's quite cool yeah that's quite chic i think their relationship actually nearly ended though before it got off the ground so satan he had this friend back in malmo who owned a hot dog stand in the city center and one night he decided to his words set off a little explosion at his place just for a laugh do you always do a voice when you do no sometimes i forget just the swedish things sort of bulging out of you i like it okay um so yeah that's that's his idea of a little laugh you know that's what it's what we all do for our for our pals isn't it just bomb their work bomb their small business yeah can I just say it's very funny that like again he's a millionaire at this point he has a Ferrari he's an international footballer what's he made do oh a hot dog stand yeah and sometimes I go and explode it just go bomb it what is he doing he's not doing anything anymore I blew it up yeah exactly he's got Nick Coates for a living now yeah because I ruined his life until the insurance money comes in

27:18I do think he's got that vibe as well. Yeah, the guy who can't tell when a prank is just... Yeah, sometimes a prank is just being very horrible to someone you know.

27:26Joel Golby:Yeah, well, this prank has more than one victim, actually, because Zlatan, he needs a vehicle to commit this crime. But obviously, he's an international footballer. He doesn't want the vehicle to be linked to his name. So he decides to rent the car in his new girlfriend Helena's name and does the crime in that. So he drives over to the hot dog place and tosses a firecracker into the mailbox and then speeds off in this rented Lexus and dumps the car. So he rented a car just like that. This is very premeditated. Like an hour and a half of queuing and filling out form. Yeah, exactly. It's not like you're just on a night hour and he's got some firecracker and he's like, oh, this will be funny.

28:07Joel Golby:Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's thought about this. He's thought about it and he's gone to the effort of renting a car in his girlfriend's name. In cold blood. to do this and yeah she ends up being questioned over the over the whole incident which she says was very embarrassing they get away with it she does get obviously she's she probably had an alibi so I was not in well the alibi is she didn't do it my question would be so what's the joke the joke is I exploded your business I thought about it for ages I burned down my best friend's do you reckon he gave him some cash at the end it's not really the point I hope so Well this is a conundrum isn't it If you're a Swedish hot dog boy And your best mate's with Zlatan And he explodes and burns your business down For no reason in a premeditated way And tries to blame his girlfriend Are you like You got me Cheers mate Or are you like Why do we hang out with Zlatan He makes our lives worse It kind of comes down to whether he Sorted him out afterwards I know it's not the point yeah still out of order I feel he didn't yeah I feel he just did a big tall Swedish laugh off he went piece your life back together yeah I'm off to I'm off to humiliate Joe Hart I'm literally playing in the Champions League this week yeah sort it out yourself it's actually it wasn't his only run in with the law so around a similar time he buys this Porsche Turbo really expensive car very fast and takes it back to Sweden where the Swedish police catch him speeding at 250 kilometers an hour.

29:47Joel Golby:But as they sort of give chase, Slatan has a brainwave and he realizes that he's got Dutch plates on this car. So the Swedish police, there's no way they will be able to trace them. That's beyond their capabilities. So instead of pulling over, he decides to speed up to 300 kilometers an hour and manages to lose them and hides out under an underpass until they give up. It's quite GTA, actually. Again, quite something that a 12-year-old boy would think is fucking cool. About 300 kilometers an hour, what's that in miles? What's that in real? It's 180 miles an hour, 185 or something. That's very fast.