The Extra Scoop: How to Be Happy

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1:29Today we are talking about how to be happy, And I was actually just thinking on our very first show, Rhi said that that was her goal for 2025. So this feels very relevant, but also so relevant to us all because happiness is, of course, such a universal pursuit. Yet in that, it does seem increasingly elusive. And did you know that How to Be Happy is actually searched 45 million times on Google every single month, which really reveals a stark reality. Happiness is, for most of us, the ultimate goal, but so many of us are struggling to find it. And recent stats actually paint a very sobering picture.

2:03So according to the charity Mind, one in six people in England experience a common mental health problem like anxiety or depression every single week. While the annual World Happiness Report, which is compiled by the United Nations, places the UK as the 20th happiest nation globally. But there's a big generational divide in that because actually for those under 30 in the UK, we're coming at number 32. So that's behind countries like Moldova, Kosovo, El Salvador. That's wild, actually, when you look at those statistics, because in 2023, we also noticed that we had the stats that anxiety levels also surged.

2:37So with over a quarter of women, that's around 27%, were reporting high levels of anxiety and up to 22 % in 2016. So I don't think we're headed in the right direction, Ella, are we? And men definitely haven't been immune to this either, with one in five experiencing similar struggles. And I feel like men often get left out of this conversation sometimes online. So we've got the perfect person to help us here today unpack why happiness feels so out of reach. What can we do about it? We are joined by Dr. David Hamilton, a renowned expert on the science of happiness and the mind-body connection. Hello, David.

3:15Hi there. Lovely to speak to you both this morning. It's such a pleasure to have you. And this just feels like a topic that, as we said, is so relevant to all of us, this elusive pursuit of happiness. Just to start from the beginning, why do you think happiness is now feeling so unattainable for so many of us today? You know, I think it's a lot to do with the fact the world seems to be so focused on doing productivity. There's a big pressure. I've seen it happening all around me. I've even been drawn into it myself, you know, this focus on I have to keep doing as much as possible. And I think it's related to the fact there's so much information, data available at our fingertips.

3:52And that kind of draws us into that kind of world of I need to contribute. I need to be doing, doing, doing. Companies are doing the same thing. And I think in this, I think we've just maybe lost sight a little bit of what makes us human. And what I mean by that is the importance of connection and the importance of relationships and family and love. And I'm not saying that it's just all about that and not about doing things. I think there's a balance to be found, a sweet spot, I suppose. But I just think in society, we've gone a wee bit too far over to the productivity side and just lost sight of these very, very important things that do make us human, of which I think happiness naturally evolves out of connection and relationships and family and these sorts of things.

4:40That's so interesting. We were saying in our first episode that loneliness is obviously such a big cause of unhappiness as well and poor health, actually, overall. And you've mentioned society there. So let's start by saying, because I completely agree, David, first of all, I feel all the things you've just said, I think everybody can relate to. Do you think we just need a complete overhaul? What would a better framework or approach look like for society today? I think, you know, moving away from what feels like a sort of transactional view of things, you know, like we're looking for quick fixes for things like many of us when we feel ill, the first thing we reach for is a medical solution.

5:17And of course, that is a wonderful thing for a number of different things. But this is why I love the work that both of you do, flipping it around and educating people about taking some of the things that I can do for myself, like changing what I eat and changing the way in which I eat. And that's huge. And what that does is it shows people that there are things, there are approaches that I can take. It's not always the magic bullet, but there are things that I can do. And I think in society, we've gone so far over to the kind of productivity and transaction, or we forget that there's things that we can do for ourselves.

5:53Where I come into this, one of my major focuses has been on being kind as a thing that naturally, happiness naturally comes out of. You know, we're actually wired for this. You know, in fact, let me share an example. I did, I led, towards the end of 2024, I led a 21-day kindfulness experiment. And I got about three and a half thousand people doing it. And basically the idea was every day for 21 days, I encouraged people to focus on a different aspect of kindness. I didn't necessarily ask people to go out and be kind. I just asked them to consider and focus on something like connection one day, gratitude another day, you know, noticing kind people on another day.

6:38And each day I asked people to do a kindfulness meditation practice. I sent them a little link every day to a practice. And kindfulness is any mindfulness-based technique where at least part of it focuses on an aspect of kindness or compassion. Anyway, what took me by surprise is the massive gain in 21 days, because we measured it, gaining people's happiness, relationships and connection with others and overall well-being. Way, way, way better than you would get from, say, popping an antidepressant over that time. And that for me was just a demonstration that when we focus on something that we can do, which is just how you think about people, just how you speak to people, how you communicate, how you act around people can have a tremendous effect on how you feel on an absolute daily basis.

7:29One of the things we can do is just remind ourselves that taking a kind approach. In fact, can I share another quick bit of science? A lot of the things that separate us from being happy is feeling stressed a lot of the time. And did you know that physiologically, neurologically, the opposite of stress is kindness? And I know that doesn't sound right straight away because normally we think of stress as a state or a feeling and kindness as a thing that you do. But if I reword it, the opposite of the experience of stress and what that experience is like, and therefore everything that happens inside the brain and the body that follow that, the opposite of that experience is an experience of kindness and what an experience of kindness feels like.

8:16And if you chart neurologically and physiologically inside the brain and body, you'll find that everything that stress does, an experience of kindness does the exact opposite. it. So my approach to this kind of stuff is helping people to realize that the simple things, you know, showing people some support, some encouragement, helping each other out, just that shift of focus can not only be an antidote to stress for a lot of us, but actually opens a door to more experiences of happiness. And it's not really difficult to do. It starts with just thinking about people, caring about people. One thing I love that you said there, David is this idea that it's not difficult to do in terms of reframing your thoughts because one of the big strands of this podcast is that we appreciate how busy people are and how overwhelming overhauling your diet getting 10 ,000 steps etc in your day-to-day when you're very busy is but this idea that you can sit here at your desk maybe you're on the tube maybe you're walking your dog maybe you're cooking cleaning whatever you're doing right now you can stop and you can reframe your thoughts and it's free and it's pretty instantaneous and I love that because I think we're so keen to break down these barriers to wellness.

9:23And I think, again, it's so easy to think that what do I have to do to be healthy? Right. I have to eat 30 plants a week. I have to move my body, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, it would be too wishy-washy to say, be kind in that list. But to your point, actually being kind is scientifically proven. And I wondered if you could expand on this experience of in the stress state versus a kind state a little bit more. I'm presuming what you mean is, for example, it's a reverse of the hormones. So if you're in a stress state your cortisol levels are going up and if you're in a kind state your cortisol levels are going down but I think it would be really interesting just to get a little bit more on that just to prove that it does work it's scientifically proven and actually just add reframing your thoughts and being kind to your wellness list.

10:05Exactly I'm glad you asked that because it does a lot of it does come down to stress hormones versus what I call kindness hormones and I refer to kindness hormones really just as I call them kindness hormones just to draw a parallel with stress hormones because stress hormones are to scientists they're the the biological products of an experience of stress so kindness hormones what I call kindness hormones are biological products of an experience of kindness and they pretty much go in the opposite direction so for example stress hormones dial up the activity the intensity of regions of the brain that play a key role in stress anxiety worry and fear kindness hormones dial them down exactly the opposite direction.

10:49Even in your heart, for example, one of the contributors to high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease is a lot of stress. And so stress hormones play a role in that. But kindness hormones turn it in the exact opposite direction. Kindness hormones actually dilate our blood vessels, which takes the pressure off the heart, which for us means a reduction in blood pressure. In fact, let me share, you asked for a wee bit of science, one of my favourite at Little Scientific Studies, researchers took volunteers who had been clinically diagnosed with hypertension, so high blood pressure, and there was close to 200 volunteers.

11:24And for each of them, every week for three weeks, they gave each of them a sum of money. And for one half of them, they said, take this money and treat yourself with it each week for the three weeks. to the other half they said take this money and do something good with it so be kind with them and use the money and kindness to help other people at the end of the three weeks those who'd done something good with the money who'd focused on kindness with the money had much lower blood pressure both systolic and diastolic than those who just spent the money on themselves and what was amazing is the magnitude of the effect was comparable to exercise or taking antihypertensive medication.

12:08And this was really just a product of shifting the focus onto kindness. And it's because there's two actual two reasons. One reason is kindness being the opposite of stress. It relaxes our nervous system. So that takes some of the pressure off the cardiovascular system. But secondly, it's these kindness hormones, which actually act physiologically on the lining of blood vessels to cause a reduction in blood pressure. I find that kind of stuff amazing. I mean, I can only almost relate when Ella and I have obviously got children and we're told, oh, that bond is formed with oxytocin. It really helps you get through difficult times.

12:46Is that almost one of the types of hormones that could be produced or something like endorphins? Is that what we're talking about here? Yeah, absolutely. In fact, the main kindness hormone I refer to because of its biological effects is oxytocin. In fact, I would say oxytocin is the key kindness hormone because it's produced as we connect with one another, when we connect with someone through kindness, which could even just be how you're thinking kindly of someone and you feel that connection. And it's the connection itself, which is entered into through having a kind approach, whether it's through thinking, speaking, or doing something that produces the oxytocin.

13:23And what I love about it is lots of research has added to we had a wealth of data in the past that said you know that oxytocin was it helped us to bond and to trust each other but now we actually know it's a major cardiovascular hormone it plays a huge role in maintaining the health of the cardiovascular system which is actually partly why i call it a kindness hormone because it's so involved in lots of the different nuances and aspects of kindness even affects our immune system it affects even how our muscles repair and you know recover after exercise it affects digestion are loads and loads of different things it is so important to me that my home feels like a calm and cozy sanctuary from the chaos of the world i found that beyond decorating sensory things like warm smells and soft textures make the biggest impact for that and especially as it cools down outside i'm looking for the best ways to snuggle up on my couch.

14:21I recently moved and one of the very first things I added to my new living room was my bubble cuddle blanket from Cozy Earth. It's a faux fur material that is so incredibly soft and has this cool bubble design that makes it look and feel very plush. It's a mid-weight construction so I've honestly decided against getting a weighted blanket because it's not too heavy but you still get that feeling of security when you lie under it. My roommate has said it's her new favorite blanket and we've been keeping it on the couch at all times instead of the blanket basket with the rest of our options. I've also been loving my bamboo sheets from Cozy Earth.

14:56The temperature regulating capabilities were great for the summer and now that it's getting a little cooler at night I'm just really appreciating the softness of the sheets and pillowcases. It's like I'm slipping into a cloud every night. Plus you can try them risk-free with Cozy Earth's 100 night sleep trial. If you don't love them you just return them hassle-free but believe me you're gonna be hooked after the first night so if you're looking to make your home a little more cozy this fall head to cozyearth.com and use my code scoop for 20 off that's cozyearth.com code scoop and if you get a post-purchase survey make sure you let them know you heard about cozy earth right here because home isn't just where you live it's how you feel so let's go home with cozy earth.

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16:12EPCLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to EPCLIS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EPCLIS. Before starting EPCLIS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Searching for real relief? Ask your doctor about EPCLIS and visit ePCLIS.lily.com or call 1-800-LILY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. David, it's absolutely fascinating understanding this and seeing that there really is this extraordinary body of science behind just reframing your thoughts, being kind.

16:44But in terms of being kind to ourselves and the way that we think, one of the points you made at the beginning that I'd love to quickly pick back on in this productivity trap that you're talking about, but I think so many of us see in our own lives as well, and the challenge that that has with happiness, where do you see the role of that desire that you mentioned for quick fixes coming in and then the disappointment when surprise surprise there isn't a magic wand that will solve everything because I think with the sort of relentless pressure to keep up with the joneses in the sense we can see everyone else's lives and we think oh they're doing that one thing it solved it for them do you see that as one of our biggest challenges and how do we escape it it definitely is and you know I think you mentioned in that about you know self-kindness I think it's about you know sometimes flipping the switch that the focus I think you know if I can frame this in terms of kindness I think you know there's a I'm not sure if this will answer your question properly but I think there's a sweet spot somewhere in between two extremes and one end of the extreme because I focus a lot on kindness where we've got lots of time and space and energy with which to help other people but at the other end we're absolutely exhausted you know we've got no energy left we need to fill up our own cup and we know what that's like you know I think somewhere in the middle of that there's a sweet spot there's a balance point where we recognize the importance of doing whatever we need to do to support our own mental and physical health and then we act upon it so and it's in a different space for different people a different you know it's different in different times of our life sometimes in our lives we do have lots of energy with which to be present for other people but there's other times in the life where we don't and I think just recognizing there's a wee balance point in between and doing something about it one of the things that I personally do and I said I'm not sure if this will fully answer your question but one of the things I do is I put in my diary because there's so much focus and productivity and stuff I've recognized that if people need my help in the family or in my close circle I'll always find the time for them and I'll put a wee I'll move things around in my diary so So what I do now is I put a space in my diary that says meeting with self.

18:55And what I'm doing is I'm elevating the importance of looking after my own well-being. I'm elevating it up to the same level as everything else. I'm making it visible. And that meeting with self might be like 10 minutes or 15 minutes. It could be an hour. It could be a whole morning. In fact, it's not uncommon for me to watch an episode of Star Trek in the middle of the day. That works for me. But for me, that's a demonstration of me. I'm elevating the importance of looking after my own well-being. I'm recognising a lot of the well-being comes from my own actions. It's not just about looking outside myself for a quick fix somewhere, which we get from society.

19:33It's recognising that there are things that I can do for myself. And again, it flips back to what I particularly love about the work that you both do, is you empower people, you help people to realise that there are things that I can personally do myself to support my well-being. And you do it so eloquently, so wonderfully through educating people about diet and nutrition and how to cook things. I think it's amazing. I think that for me is a game changer. And my aspect of this is saying, okay, what else can we do? And taking a kind approach is one of the things we can do. In fact, you know, one of the simplest things, my favorite word at the moment, and you've probably never heard of it, It's called confelicity.

20:16I only heard it myself recently. And confelicity means shared happiness. It means taking pleasure in the happiness and successes of other people. And it's the simplest thing because you don't have to do anything. You don't literally have to even make space in your diary. You simply recognize when something good happens for someone, oh, I'm so pleased for you. Oh, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you. And confelicity comes from the word shared happiness. And it's an aspect of empathy because empathy, you can think of it as I feel with you. But we usually think of I'm empathizing with someone's pain, you know, with someone's discomfort and their pain.

20:55I feel with you. I'm sharing your pain here. So confelicity is a kind of positive extension of empathy where we're not sharing in someone's pain. you're sharing in someone's successes and good fortune and the shared bit is where the magic comes in because the act of literally being happy for other people makes you happier yourself you don't even have to do anything you don't have to go out for a run physically do anything you just happen to say damn it i'm so happy for you i'm so pleased that that wonderful thing's happened in your life and nature gives you a little squirt of happy hormones for you doing that it's amazing it's beyond amazing and do you know what it really goes to show is that we are unbelievably disconnected and I almost wonder if this is an education topic that should be in schools today because people actually find it very difficult today to be happy for others and I think it can result in how you're raised the profession you're in you just mentioned what Ella and I do for a living and I can imagine it's how you feel as well and people working in a hospital for instance or a doctor that's helping somebody, I think some professions automatically give you that shared happiness, let's say, for instance.

22:06And a real take home message for our listeners today is that we probably all need to do a lot more work on ourselves and start prioritizing basic human connections again, because we've all become, and this is a common theme throughout the podcast now, I know Ella has raised it in our episode today as well, but we are addicted to this gratification online, this online doom scrolling type approach. And this stems through society on so many levels of every age group, doesn't it? The happiness and the connection that we just seem to have lost. So that's given me a real kick up the bum, excuse me to say, just to remind myself, hey, I'm in control of this.

22:50And actually, there are active things I can do every day. obviously we've got the smiles trials data that you know food is more effective for people that are clinically depressed you know if you're following a Mediterranean diet and that's cool but for me the shared happiness vibe I'm going to stay on top of that Ella what do you think me too honestly David you've left me with such a big smile and it's just so reassuring you know on on those days where there's a lot going on as you said you can't get out for a run you don't have time to cook something healthy but you can sit here and you can reframe your thinking and you can reframe your thinking towards yourself.

23:24You might be able to find even three minutes for yourself to find that piece and kind of reconnect. But you can also look at your neighbor, your colleague, your friend, someone you know, and think, I'm really pleased for you that that happened. And I think it's so reassuring and such an important message to people that wellness doesn't need to be expensive. It doesn't need to be deeply time consuming. It doesn't need to be trendy. It's as simple as thinking, gosh, I am thrilled for my mum about this. I am thrilled for the person I see next to at work about X, Y or Z. And that is, it's just gorgeous, isn't it?

23:59Because it's so simple. But as you said, it's deeply effective and there's a huge amount of evidence behind it. And do you know why this actually happens? It's because as humans, we're supposed to be kind. Believe it or not, we have kind genes. They're some of the oldest genes in the human genome. They're at least 100 million years old in the genome, but their roots go back almost 700 million years. And what that means is they've played a crucial role in the survival and the thriving of the human species. See, a lot eons ago, our ancient ancestors learned through experience that looking out for each other, helping each other, sharing with each other was healthier than trying to do everything yourself.

24:39And it was safer as well. So we evolved genes that ensured that helping each other was a practice that was innate to the human species and looking out and sharing each other's happiness, supporting each other was part of what makes us human. And nature also ensured that doing that was a pleasurable experience. So every time you I'm really thrilled for you that things happen for you, I'm so happy for you, or even you do an act of kindness or think kindly of someone, I think of it as nature's reward. Nature's saying, thank you, well done for acting in such a way that's helping all of us to connect and to survive and thrive.

25:19Oh, and here's a wee squirt of happy hormones for your trouble. I think of it as nature's reward. It's why we have these positive effects from supporting each other. Well, David, nature's reward is what we're all going to take away from today. Thank you. Where can our listeners go to find out more? Because you've got some amazing books, haven't you? Well, all my books are on my website. my most recent one that covers a lot of this kind of stuff I'm not sure if I can say the full title on your podcast but it's called the joy of actually giving a f-u-c-k but the youth get a wee smiley face because I'm I'm pointing out that it's about giving a f-u-c-k about each other and all the different ways that impact your mental and your physical health and why we're actually biologically wired for this love it I love it I've got that at the top of my reading list now.

26:08It sounds absolutely brilliant. So thank you so much, David. We really appreciate your time today. Thank you. It's been a real pleasure. I just love chatting with you both. It's been a great part of the day for me this has been.

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