Session 117: Ben Marshall

29:22Like the way he like, he's so like smart with like how he like works a crowd. Did you, did you like study acting or anything? No. No. I did an acting class in college and I was in my senior year play and I was in, my sixth grade play and my eighth grade play. Oh, that's a lot. Yeah, so I guess somewhat. But no, I didn't study it. I studied it by watching television. So you learned a lot from Ray Romano. Yeah, like a lot. Really? For every night before the show, he would wait by the monitor. You remind me of Ray Romano. No, I don't. You don't? And the thing is, I said no, I don't, but I thought you were about to double down.

30:05Oh, you wanted me to go, no, seriously, listen. No, you don't. at all um uh-huh so he would wait by the monitor every night like as the show like there was like a monitor that shows the audience yeah no that shows the show oh like but we would be off to the side yeah and there were certain cues he would wait for and like depending on how loud the cheer was and he like rated the shows each night oh wow he was like super specific and technical about like how hot the crowd was like how yeah like how much to give and like wow if they were and if someone was stepping on a line he would say you like like he was very specific whoa that's really good that's awesome yeah he's awesome who else did it nicholas brawn and jenny slate that's it yeah it was us four it was just the four of you yes and the so cool and the band lawrence it was really fun it was really fun it was like seriously like i felt such a sense of purpose and i can never see it did you film it yeah i'm sure they filmed one of the nights i would love to see it sorry it was really really fun and and and when like we and like sometimes we'd have like a night where like we would just go like completely off script really and it was really fun yeah it's the best it was louis saw it eight times really was it different every time or you got kind of sick of it it was like it was the same every time but the improv was always a bit different like i still laughed every night wow that's cool that's the our live shows are kind of like that it's like i want to come i want to we're doing i think we're doing some more this summer you should come oh no i mean like the please don't destroy live shows where we're doing like sketches and touring and stuff so you do tour and you do do live shows but i don't do stand-up like solo this is about my life like me, Martin, and John do like a live sketch show.

31:59How did you guys meet? College. John and I were on the NYU sketch group Hammercats together. And then Martin and I were doing open mics. So you did do stand-up? In college. Yeah, but you said you've never done stand-up. I didn't say that. Let's check the tape back. He didn't say that. No. I did in college. And I'm kind of interested in doing it again. Should we go to some open mics? I would go with you. That would be fun. Okay, should we go together? Yeah. We have to go together. Let's do it. And we just get up there and rip it? By the way, as two people who are like in comedy, like, you know, comedians.

32:38You would classify me in that genre? 100%. Thank you. You wouldn't? A lot of people wouldn't. I think that if me and you were like, we're going to start doing stand-up and we start sending each other jokes and going to open mics together, that could be really fun and really good for our relationship. Are you like, fucking with me? Not at all. I have your number. I have your number. So what are you watching on TV right now? I don't really watch TV. I'm just kidding. I feel like I'm saying that kind of answer to all your questions. What am I watching? I'm going to really ask myself. Have you seen the show Hijack on Apple?

33:10Idris Elba? No, but I've heard it's great. Oh my God. What's it about again? The first season is him dealing with hijackers on a plane. And there's a season two. And then season two, the end of the first episode is, I'm hijacking this train And he's the hijacker My girlfriend and I Watched together And Joke that we Don't remember One single piece of information That's being communicated Do you ever do that? Do you ever just watch TV Like it's just colors and sounds And you're just like Ha ha But you're not taking in any Really? Mm-hmm I love TV You watch Survivor? No I just started Really? Mm-hmm It's awesome There's so much Well I'm not gonna like Watch all 50 seasons Sorry Yeah I'm just watching season 50 Do you watch SNL?

33:53Yes. When was the last time you think you watched a full episode of SNL? Like a full, full, full episode? Yeah, ever? I watched the Glenn one. I was there. Oh, yeah. What do you mean at home? At home? I watched the Connor Story one. You did? The full thing? Yes. Oh, great. Super fun episode. Love him. Yeah. He is so nice. He rocks. Yeah. Was he just a pleasure to work with? Oh, my God. The best. Oh, he seems it. He was awesome. Hudson was really cool too. Oh, yes. He was there. Okay. So, but like to recap, we have basketball plans. We have basketball plans. We have improv plans. Yep. And we have open mic plans.

34:34I say the way we should prioritize these things is that open mic comes first. Of course. I think we will like, do you drink? Yeah. Let's just drink. Yeah. And do it. It seems fun. Yeah. It seems so fun. So like, but do you, are you going to prepare jokes or like, do we just go up and do it? No, I think, yeah. I think you got to prepare jokes. So how would you prepare a joke? I don't know. I'd probably look at all the notes in my phone. I have like, do you write jokes in your phone? No, I write stories in my phone and I have like, well, that works. I have like an album of photos called stories.

35:05Should we pull up a good story or joke from our phone or no? Yes. Okay. Oh, this is, this is somewhat funny. Okay. So what's your story? Um, when I was back home in Savannah watching March madness and my dad, he just kept going. That's a big boy. how big is that boy? Wait, sorry, what? Do you know what March Madness is? It's the basketball tournament. Yeah. And my dad would just keep looking at, like, the players and being like, big boy. I feel like dads love how big guys can be. Oh, you're making the joke. Oh, because now the joke is coming. Oh, I see. Oh, my God, I love how the, okay, wow. Because now the joke is like, I feel like dads.

35:49Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that's really beautiful.

35:56Crazy vibe between us, Jake. Okay, so someone once messaged me on Grindr, salut, ça va? Because I was in France, and I responded, cava? Oh, and then now's the joke. That's what you did to me. That's what you did to me. Someone once DM'd me, hello, I deliver semi-trucks across the country, and I have a YouTube travel channel. I have countless stories of my travels. Some are meth in the coffee pot of Echno Lodge, waking up to an electrical fire in my room, paying$1 ,000 per night for a room for just a few hours. If y 'all are interested, I'd love to have a call to see if we would vibe on an episode.

36:33I think you should do that. Oh, this is my favorite. I got a random DM. I stopped everyone from saying, fuck Jake Shane at Harry Potter and the Cursed Child tonight, by the way. Why was that even happening? Oh my God. Why? Did you get any more info? I never responded. I think I honestly might have. I'm going to reach back out to her. Because why was that happening? It was on the precipice of happening. The whole crowd wanted to say, fuck Jake Shane. And Harry Potter. Hey, guys, we shouldn't. We shouldn't. Seriously. Isn't that crazy? That's insane. At Harry Potter. And then to tell you that, like, you'd be happy.

37:15I mean, like, I laughed for sure, but I've never, it was one of the more wild DMs I've ever received. Do you get wild DMs? Should I look at my DMs? Oh, no, I have Instagram blocked. You have Instagram blocked? Yeah. What do you mean? You use the brick? I have an app that blocks social media, and then you can, like, snooze it. And then, but every time you do it, it takes longer. So it's harder and harder to do.

37:43Nothing. So what's your favorite restaurant in New York? Nothing even, like, you don't want to just say, like, oh, that's interesting. Favorite SNL skate you've ever done? Were you in the haircut one? Yeah. Love that one. I like it. Ashley's so funny. She's incredible. That was a great one. But I broke in that sketch during dress, and then they posted that online. Does any of what I'm saying mean anything to you? During dress rehearsal. During dress rehearsal. I started laughing. I didn't see that. Okay. Because I saw the final. Three sad versions is amazing. Thanks, Jake. What was it like to work with Taylor Swift?

38:25It was amazing. Were you like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm working with Taylor Swift. I could not. It was like maybe five weeks into me working there, four weeks, and I was just like, what the hell? Was that when she was promoting Red Taylor's version and she did all too well? Yeah.

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39:44The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bank Corp Bank in A. Venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 cash back per month. See terms at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants. Thank you again, Venmo, for sponsoring this episode. Love you guys. This episode of Therapist is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah! festival season has begun i just got back from coachella and i had the best weekend of my entire life so much so that i kept looking around and saying everyone we need to start planning to go to another festival and booking.com is the place to do that it is very hard to find the perfect hotel room the perfect house for you to stay at but booking.com makes it easy because if you are traveling with a large group of people everybody has different needs shower tub swimming pool, whatever, how close to the festival, if you put it all into booking.com, they will find you that perfect place.

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41:18You can really round out your whole trip and experience on it. It's trip season. Everyone's talking about wanting to go somewhere. Booking.com is the place to find somewhere to stay. Find exactly what you're booking for at booking.com. Booking.yeah! Book today on the site or in the app. I don't know what I expected for this episode. I'm now like scared. Scared for who? Both of us. Me too. What are people going to think when they listen to this? Are they going to go, Jesus, Jake's always... You have a podcast. You do this all the time. People love the show. You're so good at conversation. To have somebody on who it's just coming to a screeching...

42:00You know what it is? You like to talk shit.

42:06You like to talk shit. And that's, and I like to talk shit. And that's what we both want to do right now. So we're skirting around the fact that all we want to do is gossip. Okay. I guess. That would be fun. Just to talk shit. Yeah, I would love to hear about it. That's why we keep making plans for outside of this. Like if someone listens to this, like a fan of yours who doesn't really know me. Oh, it's a guy from SNL. I wonder what he's like. They're going to click on this and they're going to go, the fuck is that guy's problem? No. I don't think so. Can you help? You know what? Maybe we could have like a drink.

42:43I have no drinks. Cool. I have no food and I have no drinks. I have Celsius and water. And pretzels. That's okay. You want a pretzel? I'm okay. Right? Thank you. Okay. Do you have ADHD? No. Do you? Oh, yes. Okay. I just thought maybe we both had it and that's why this was happening. No, but you're very anxious. Very. I'm very anxious too. Like how does your anxiety like work, manifest? Very physical, like stomach aches. Wow. Sweating, I get vertigo. Oh, you do? I get dizzy, yeah. Oh, I feel it in the back of my neck. Really? Yeah. I feel it in like my mouth. Sometimes I do too. Yeah. I feel it in my gums.

43:26Yeah, me too. But I feel it a lot in the back of my neck when I was a kid. Right now, do you? No. Okay. Me neither. So maybe we're not anxious. I think we're fine. I think we're fine. I think we're both like really worried about making a good episode. Yes. And coming off great. Yes. And we just need to just be ourselves. Let's just be ourselves. So who is you? I'm Ben. I'm from Savannah, Georgia. I'm a, I like, I work at SNL. You are a ginger? I'm a ginger. Proud. Proud. Do you want to have ginger babies? I'd be fine with it What do you think Like is the most What do you think is the most misunderstood thing about Like gingers I don't know if there's really anything To like clear up about Gingers I think um We're not all The same So I can't speak on behalf of anybody but myself Um I hate being short Really?

44:26Hate I hate it How tall are you? Yes 5 '6 What? I'm 5 '3 Oh really? Yeah Do I give off like tall energy? I don't think 5 '6 is very tall Okay well You're 5 '3? Yeah I'm 6 '5 I know Wow Maybe that's what it is That just like we're so uncomfortable in our height difference Yeah You're like over a foot taller than me Yeah That is pretty crazy Wow Okay Why do you hate being short? I just I feel very stocky You have leg room on planes? It doesn't matter I'd rather not have the leg room And feel better Yeah So you never gave me Your favorite restaurant in New York I said Tacuba The burrito place Fuck yeah you did Well it closed It closed So what's your favorite one That's open?

45:22Oh my god You need to chill out There's a place called El Mitote that I go sometimes. It's good. I don't know. What type of food is that? It's Mexican food. Is that your favorite type of food? Yeah, I like it. Have you ever been to ABC Cocina? No. So good. Where is that? East 19th. I like food, but I don't know much about like rest. I'm like not tapped into the scene. Okay, so let's get into the tell me what's wrong, shall we? Yeah. Oh, my God. Like, are you going to leave here with, like, scaries? Yeah. Me too.

46:03I'm like, what are we going to do? What's wrong with us? I don't know. Is it my fault or is it your fault? I'm not trying to blame you, Jake, but I am saying stuff, and you're going. Really? That's what I'm doing? You've done that a bunch. You're like, as if the answer I've given you is not satisfactory. And you're like, I'm talking to a brick wall. Okay, so your favorite restaurant is this Mexican place. What do you get there? Why are we talking about this? Because I don't know. We're like two hours into a podcast. Why are you asking me my favorite restaurant? We have so much in common. We have mutual friends.

46:37Okay, Paul. Paul. We have so many others. Marcelo. Marcelo. Who else? Veronica. Love her. Love her. Kyle. Kyle. Who else? Glenn Powell. You guys are buddies? Are you? Yes. Yeah. Isn't he the best? He's really great. He's the best. I was just in Savannah and he's shooting a movie down there. Yes, the country singer. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I'm going to try to see him when I go down there for my sister's graduation. Your half sister? Yeah. Were you like a good student at school? I was a pretty good student. Like what was your GPA when you graduated? In high school? Excluding APs. High school? Yeah.

47:18Probably 4.0. You're lying. I was a pretty good student. What was yours? Maybe it was a lot. I don't know. A's. I got A's. I got, well, I was really bad my freshman year because I didn't like understand the concept of having to like, because my middle school didn't grade us. Oh. Like we didn't get grades. We got like behavior grades. Uh-huh. And then, so I didn't really like, once we got to ninth grade, like I couldn't pick up on the fact that I was getting like legitimate grades. It's not like I, like in middle school, I just wouldn't do my homework. Right. And then, so I really struggled. And then I got back on track and I had like a 4.0, my 11th grade and 12th grade.

47:56Whoa. And you went to USC. I read your Wikipedia. I wanted to go to USC so bad and I didn't get in. So you're smarter than me. I didn't get into NYU. Really? Yeah. I cried. When you didn't get in to USC. Isn't that embarrassing? No. I thought I didn't get in. my doorman was I was in LA and I was calling my doorman because the you know you get the package and I was like did anything come in the mail and he was like no and I was like cool so this is really bad for me because it was the only place I wanted to go to and look at us now do you feel like we're like invisible stringing what's that like to each other and to friendship with each other what does that mean it's like we've gone down such different paths but I feel so like kindred spirit with you.

48:44We're mirrors of each other. A little bit. Yeah. Like I'm short, you're tall. Yeah. Yeah. We're caught. We compliment each other. Like you didn't get into USC. I didn't get into NYU. Yeah. You're on SNL and I'm not. You're 26. I'm unk. I'm chopped unk. What is chopped unk? Ugly old guy. That's what that means. I think, right? Yeah. What is that from? Like Fortnite? Is it? Yeah, pretty much. Oh. Oh. Oh. You watch Dreamers? No, this is my sister. My sisters who were in high school are the ones who were calling me unk. They say you're unk? Yeah. That's a joke. Yo, you're unk. Yeah. What was like a term in high school that you used?

49:28Swag. No. For real? It was the swag era. I graduated in 2013. You'd be like, that's so swag. I guess we used lit. Oh, lit is worse to me. What? Swag is, I stand by it. I guess so. I mean, it stands the test of time. Justin Bieber released two albums named after it. Yeah. Swag 1 and Swag 2. I called Harry Styles swaggy earlier. In person? No, you were in the bathroom. Oh, okay. It's moments like that that are the problem, right? Right. It's like, I don't have anything to say back. Or is it that you just think I'm being uninteresting? No, I think you're very interesting. Okay. Do you want to play the game where we can see if we can say the same thing at the same time?

50:13Yeah. Because I've done this before. Mind meld? Mind meld? Is that what it's called? I think so. Okay. Okay. We'll one, two, three, and then we'll do it. I feel like I'm reheating my role model nachos, but... Ready? Yes. One, two, three, candle. Oh, sorry.

50:36It came fast. So we're just going from anything. Okay. Okay, ready? One. You have to say it with me. Okay, do you have your word? Wait, hold on. Okay. Do you have your word? Yep. One, two, three, watch. Okay. One, two, three, unk. Oh. Rolex, unk. Okay. One, two, three, vintage. You suck for that. You did it so delayed. I swear that was what I was going to say the whole time. Because that could have been such a beautiful. It was a beautiful moment. But it wasn't. Let's play again. I won't play again. Okay, ready? And you need to say it faster. You need to say it faster. We got there. Do you have a word?

51:27Oh, my God. Yes. One, two, three. Water. Lamp. Water. One, two, three. Lava lamp.

51:41lava lamp celsius one two three retro what energy retro energy one two three liver okay one two three latte dehydrated dehydrated dehydrated latte 1, 2, 3 water I think I said water already how quick did you and role model get it? pretty quick 1, ready? what did we do? oat milk and water 1, 2, 3 almond milk 1, 2, 3 cashew milk 1, 2, 3 It's going to be soy milk.

52:34What the fuck is going on? Okay, okay. Okay, I have one. One, two, three, two percent.

52:49Jake. I don't even want to look at you right now. Okay. The sun has set. I have one. I have one. Wait. Do you have a milk? Do you have a milk? No. There's not many left. We've said all of them. Is this a dairy milk?

53:15Yep. One, two, three, pistachio. What? Okay. I think we're out of milks. Aren't we? Let's leave milk. Okay, let's leave milk. Start over. One, two, three, blanket Socks, blanket Ready? No, no, no One, two, three, shoes Okay One, two, three, slippers

53:48One, two, three, crocs One, two, three, sandals Yes Yes!

53:59Oh my God. Fuck. We did get vintage though, fast. We got vintage, but you fucked it up. And that's okay. Great job, Jake. We did it. Oh my God. I'm having a good time with you. Me too. Like this is like we're friends now. Because if we record four hours, we might have 30 minutes we can use.

54:28So I've been in and out of the same relationship for four years now. We met in college and we just can't seem to keep going back to each other, even though we know it never works out. He's a liar and I'm an enabler. I know he will never be able to be the person I need at the end of the day. But when we don't talk, I get scared. How do I regain my independence? I feel this. I feel like I've been there before. I think that's very relatable to want to cling to something you know is wrong because what you have is less scary than the unknown. And I think... That I just had a thought. What? I prescribe every time by Ariana Grande.

55:20The song? Why? Oh, why? do I keep going back to you every time yes thank you next by the way no not this is not thank you next behavior this is every time behavior am I wrong Louise here's what I'll say that I could maybe teach you about improv yes and right because everything I'm saying you're going no no wrong well yes and is a song by her did you know that yes and really Yeah, you didn't know that? And you just said that? Yeah. That's beautiful. That's amazing. Yeah. Every time, off-sweetener. I would say, you know, like, you can tell she knows what she has to do. Yeah, but. Like, she's already made up her mind.

56:06She's like, I know I don't want to be with this person. Okay. Rip the band-aid off. But why? Oh, why? Totally. Does she keep going back to him? Yeah, thank you. Next. No. Back to you. Just let me have it. Okay, fine. Thank you, next. I think you would love Every Time by Ariana Grande. That's like my hyper fixation. I love Ariana Grande. That album. I mean, now I'm just going to start talking about Ariana Grande. I prescribed to this girl Ariana Grande. Ariana Grande lays it out flat. Like, there's no ifs, ands, or buts with her. Yes. Like, she just kind of says it. She's like, this is what I'm feeling.

56:45Yeah. You're not guessing. What is this about? No, except for We Can't Be Friends. That's up to interpretation. Is it about the fans? She's one of my all-time favorite SNL hosts. Wow. Tell me why. She's amazingly, amazingly talented and nice and cool. Oh, my God. That is so awesome to hear. Yeah. Tell me more. She's just like, I mean, she could be on the cast and would be the best person on the cast. She can do impressions that are like crazy good. She just commits to everything. She's just funny and nice and awesome. Wow. Yeah. I love her. She's so cool. Also, she watches the show and an episode that she's not involved with at all.

57:26If I did a sketch that she liked, she'll be like, that was so funny. Right. And it's cool to hear from her because she's Ariana Grande. Yeah. And do you have a memory with her that you hold near? We did an espresso martini sketch together. Do you see it? Mm-hmm. What's it about? Espresso martinis. And what's kind of the take? The comic take? What's the comic take? On espresso martinis? Yeah. The comic take on that sketchy. It's okay. You don't have to lie. I prescribe Ariana Grande, specifically the song Every Time. Do you prescribe anything? I love the way you say prescribe. Yeah. Prescribe. Prescribe.

58:04Prescribe. Prescribe. Prescribe. I like that. It's puss-scribe. Oh. You thought I had a speech impediment? I thought it was like your New York accent No, but I do say some things with my New York accent Puss scribe I say orange Horror I'm humiliated How do you say caramel? Caramel? Caramel? You know what? I just don't like to say it I hate caramel That's a disaster waiting to happen I hate caramel Yeah, I don't really like it either What? Yeah I would peg you for someone that loves it Why? Don't know Yeah, I guess we don't know each other that well But I'm like so excited to get to know you. I know.

58:45We're going to go over my screen, play basketball. We're going to do improv. We're going to edit this episode together and it's going to take some time, but we're going to do it. When do you think this is going to run? Do you want it to run never? No, I want it to run. I want it to run too. I love it. The more that it's, I'm like, this is good. This is awesome. Yeah. I'm having a great time. Are you? Yes, but just having to say that is very funny. This is awesome. I'm having a great time. I am having a great time. Are you guys having a good time? Again? She's getting so pressured. She's like, it's good.

59:18I swear, like it's really fun. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. As long as I have known him, his breath is horrid. It smells like cat wet food. Some days worse than others, and I always scooch away and he moves closer. Help. I'm not sure if it's the Zins or what. It's not the Zins. I love him and he's great to me, but is it a deal breaker? And how do I bring it up? I always scooch away and he moves closer with your boyfriend? That's insane. You can't just be trying to scooch away from your boyfriend at all times. You got to just, you got to rip the bandaid off again. These people know what they have to do.

59:56They just need someone to tell them. Tell him. It's actually kinder to say, hey, man. Your breath smells? Your breath smell like ass, like straight up cat stank wet food. I'm scooching away from you Do you prescribe Listerine? Yeah Just buying like 10 bottles of Listerine And leaving them around the house And not saying anything about it And just being like Huh that's weird You have nice teeth Thank you Do you take care of them well? Do you floss? I floss But I've had a lot of cavities I've never had one And my teeth are so Horrendously ugly I never had one My whole life And then I switched dentists And they went You have 12 cavities And you need a root canal And a crown Shut up.

1:00:39You have nice teeth. No, they're small and yellow. Don't talk that way about my friend Jake. Okay. My current situation ship wants to buy this romantic painting kit thing where we fuck on a canvas covered in paint and then let it dry. Oh, my God.

1:01:01That sounds awesome. That doesn't sound awesome to you? It sounds like a hassle. He talks about knowing the perfect place for it in his apartment. Like, we've been hooking up for six months, so it's not new-new, but is this a serial killer red flag? Thanks, let me know. No, I actually think that's beautiful. And if I was in a situation ship with someone and they were like, I want to fuck you on a canvas with paint and then hang it in my apartment, I would be like, I have found the one. Really? Yep. I think it's a serial killer thing. Why? It's art. Okay. Why do you think that? I don't know. I'm just like, can we just like enjoy the moment with each other?

1:01:44What do we need to get paints involved for? It's cool. Okay. I mean, they don't have to do it. I'm just like. You know what? You know what? Maybe I'm being a prude. No, you're not being a prude. Go for it. I don't think you're being a prude. Okay. I see. What does the audience think? If someone brought that up to you guys. What? Manny just goes. I can't help you. I'm feeling guilty and weird about making a sugar baby account on the sugar daddy website. Oh. Don't get me wrong. Some are dilfs, but it feels disingenuous to me, even though I can make good money doing next to nothing. I'm in my late 20s, too, so I'm not gullible or anything like that.

1:02:25It's just a moral dilemma thing. Don't have it. Like, don't have the moral dilemma. Do it. Yeah, I don't care. Do it. No, I mean, like, I don't know. Who cares? Like, do whatever you want. If you're worried about people finding out, they won't. You don't think, I mean, yeah. Unless like your friend's dad is on it. And then like, that's on your friend's dad, not you. You're just trying to get a check. Yeah, is it like, do you feel actually guilty like you're doing something wrong? Or like you fear other people's judgment? I think that's... She's saying she has a moral dilemma. But I don't think there's anything morally wrong.

1:02:59There's nothing morally wrong. Do you know that prostitution is the world's oldest profession? I've heard that. Where have you heard it? It's a thing people say Well it was in All Out Written by Simon Rich Okay And you thought that he was the first person to write that? No it was just like this I got it Yeah God I wish I could see that Well I told you there's probably a video of There's a video of when Sarah Silverman did it I watched that one To like prep for mine So were you doing the same show? Yeah it's the same show Did you see All In? I didn't get to see it either. You love Broadway? Uh, no.

1:03:40I like Broadway, but I don't like Go. Like, I'm not a regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's fine. Yeah. My best friend that I literally consider my sister is so popular at school that now she's even becoming friends with my main ops. She's so personable that she's buddy-buddy with people that talk shit about me. I try to approach conversations with her about how it makes me feel, and I look so insecure. What should I do? She's not your friend. A friend to all is a friend to none. You know what I was gonna say? What? I was gonna say you might be a little insecure Said that Yeah, I mean like you look into I'm agreeing I'm saying you look insecure because you're being insecure And like you can't control who someone else is Is friends with And you have to just kind of like Do boys have drama like that too?

1:04:23Yeah Really? Yeah Wow Male friendships are complicated What are they like? You know Nope, I don't Do you have guy friends? I have gay guy friends Okay. I think that people's feelings get hurt just as often, and we just maybe don't communicate about it as well. Are you a crier? Yeah, I mean, from time to time. I feel like you're a really good person. Wow, that's really nice. Thank you. Yeah, I feel that from you. You have good... Thank you. I feel that you're a really good person. Well, now you're just saying that because I just said that. That's true. Okay. But I do think you seem like a really nice person and guy.

1:05:04And what's our advice for this? A friend to all is a friend to none. You should no longer be friends with this girl. So you're like fiercely protective of your friends? I guess that's true, right? Yes. I'm going back on my advice. If like my best friend had someone that they didn't like. And who talks shit about. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would never go near them. That's horrible. I completely take back what I was saying. This girl in my class is talking to my ex and won't stop taking candid pictures of me and sending them to him. Like, it'll grow up. Mind you, the class I have with her is women's studies.

1:05:36So this is insane. I want to bitch her out, but also want to be a bigger person. Blah, blah, blah. How do I handle her in a cunty way? Address it in front of the entire class. That's the cuntyest thing you could do. Or you take some of your own pictures. She'd be like, I don't give a fuck. Who are you sending it to? Not your boyfriend. Oh, my God. You address it in front of the entire class. Jeez. You do have that gear in you. This is what you do. Professor's right there. Professor, I am so sorry. You have been taking photos of me and sending them to my ex-boyfriend, who you are now with. I have heard about it.

1:06:13If you do it one more time, we are going to have a serious fucking problem. Not only is it creepy, it is invasive, and it is the antithesis of what we are trying to learn about here today in women's studies class. And then you sit back down and everyone will just go, and she will feel so fucking mortified and sit in that embarrassment. Pathetic. That's amazing. What I just did? What you just did is amazing. That's what I did. I would never have the courage to do that. So I don't know if I would either. Actually, I honestly think I would. I think that you would. I think I would. Don't you think what I just did was beautiful?

1:06:53And I think that's the way to handle it. You stand up and you say, I'm so sorry. But I have to address this in front of the class so you feel just as embarrassed as you should. Wow. I love it. Take one more photo of me. You would be a fun, like, guidance counselor. Oh, my high school guidance counselor, Francesca. Oh, did you say you would be a fun guidance counselor? Yeah, you would be great at it. Oh, I thought you said who would be a fun one. And I said my high school one, Francesca. She came and saw me in All Out. Really? And she saw my Radio City show. Would you like go to her and gossip?

1:07:22I would go to her, yeah, and gossip. I would cry. I would gossip. She was, she's the, she is the best. That's awesome. She was everyone's favorite. I don't even know if we had one. You didn't know if you had a guidance concert? That's illegal. We do. I'm sure we did, but I guess I never interacted. Wow. I'm like so proud of the performance I just put on. Yeah, you really went for it. I loved that. I really hope you take that to heart and you do that. Because that's mean. That's fucked up. Why are you sending photos to my ex making fun of me? Yeah, that's crazy. My friends and I go for monthly dinners, and a few years ago, I had a good job, so I decided to cover the bills.

1:07:56Now, I'm pursuing my dreams and living off of savings, but it's still an expectation, and they don't glance at the price of anything and just assume I'll pay. What should I do? How is that still an expectation? You just say, I can't afford to do this anymore. Yeah, these friends are very unaware. I would say, guys, look, I just quit my job. I'm pursuing my dreams. Can you chip in for the eggplant parm? I wonder what their dreams are. Yeah, I know. Do you have any dreams that you haven't pursued yet? Podcaster. You would be an excellent one. Thanks. We tried to start a podcast once and we quit.

1:08:29What did you call it? It was a Please Don't Destroy podcast. Okay. Why'd you quit? I think we were just like all pretty anxious about everything we were saying. See? No, totally. I'm not blaming you. This is my fault. No, Ben. It's okay. I like really think like We're gonna pursue a friendship after this I think so too Open mic Basketball What was the third Improv Improv Which I'm low-key good at And we We listened to a few episodes of ourselves And we were like Had so many notes And it took so long Like do you listen to every episode back Yes But can I say that that's how it starts Yeah Like Nolan Do you remember how many notes I would give at the beginning I would literally be like I breathed weird Like cut it Yeah And you just have to break through it You just have to keep going.

1:09:17Yeah. Well, we bailed. That's okay. Oh, my God. It's almost your birthday. Yeah. It's coming up. What are you going to do for your birthday? I don't know. I had like a party for my 30th, and I usually don't do much of anything. I wish we were friends then. I know. It was really fun. Was it really? Did you black out? No. Okay. It was me and my friend Brady. Do you know Brady? Hi, Brady. We had a joint birthday party, and it was great. Where'd you have it? Well, my girlfriend planned the whole thing. And that was like the, I think that's maybe the nicest thing you can do. For my birthday, my friends tricked me, told me they were taking me to my favorite restaurant and instead got a hibachi chef to make me hibachi at my house.

1:09:55I went to a hibachi restaurant in the Dominican Republic with my family and it was completely silent. Like the guy was just making the food in front, just like clink, clink. I like that. Serving us. I like that. There was no music playing. He didn't try to make a show of it at all. It was interesting. Were you guys like all laughing about how silent it was? After the fact, in the moment, it was like, it was like tense. What's the hardest you've ever laughed in your life? I'm like, I think, I'm like thinking of this memory of when I was a kid, when my dad like knocked his cereal bowl into the trash can and said, we'll bowl me over.

1:10:31And that it's not really a joke or anything, but I don't know why I laughed harder than I've ever laughed in my life. That's beautiful. It was sweet. You were so unassuming to the world. Yeah. My friend group got really close last summer during senior year. The guy who always hosted us started liking one of the girls and things got weird. After a few months, we noticed patterns in his stories and eventually found out he lied about three different people dying. Tragic deaths for attention. When we confronted him, he admitted it was all fake. Now the friend group is broken and the girls want to start hanging out with him again just so we can still use his house to host things.

1:11:06Should we do it or is it too weird? Well, it's giving Ma. ma yeah it is it's giving ma but definitely do it it's giving paw

1:11:20you fake laughing um i honestly like feel bad for compulsive liars sometimes i don't i think it's like evil and weird and crazy but what if it's just a compulsion that you like truly can't help literally i makes nothing makes me more angry than a compulsive liar because I can't lie. You can't? Have you seen me lie once this episode? I've tried. I've fucking tried to lie to you. And every time I try, it slips out. Wow, okay. I hate liars. I hate them. I hate them. They drive me insane. It's my number one thing. Why? Why do you lie? I'm talking about people who lie in a crazy way. Yeah, it still makes me angry.

1:11:57Okay. I think most people would agree with you. I'm just saying like through the lens of like mental illness, Like imagine you just literally, I have to lie right now. You're an empath. That would be crazy and horrible and it would destroy your life. I think I want to leave my fiance. Do it. Again, it's like you've said it. You've already said it, right? That's what you want. Well, let's get some context. I'm sorry. I can't stand being around him anymore. He's a certified man child. His grandma did everything for him growing up so he doesn't know basic skills. He didn't know how to do laundry or the dishes until he met me, and I forced him to learn because what the fuck.

1:12:36I'm a clean freak, I hate messes, and I need clutter-free space to feel good about myself and my life. I've expressed this to him so many times. When my space is dirty, I feel like shit and my mental health declines. But still, he keeps leaving messes around our apartment for me to clean up. There's a lot more of this type of behavior. So is this means for a split? Yeah, sounds like you fucking hate him. This is what I'm saying. You were right. People are like, I hate my life and my fiance. He makes me miserable. He has zero redeeming qualities. Should I stay with him? It's like, you know the answer.

1:13:09No. No. No. Bye. Thank you. Next. Thank you. Yes, and? Next. What's the other one? Yes. No, no, no. The one that you were saying. You get high and call on the regular. I get weak and fall like a teenager. Why, oh, why, do you? Oh, yeah, yeah. Does God keep bringing me? I get drunk, pretend that I'm over it. Self-destruct, show up like an idiot. Why, oh, why does God keep bringing me?

1:13:47Honorable. Oh, bad. It's the best song ever. You know what other song I love? What? It's not by Geese. It's by the guy in Geese. Cameron Winter? Yeah, Love. Takes Miles? Yes. It's a good song. Love time. I will come. Are you going to love me? Yes. That was really good. Wallet on the ground. That's what he sounds like. I was like, is my wallet on the ground? No, no, that's one of his other songs. Wallet on the ground? Bag of rubber bands. I think Love Takes Miles is beautiful. It's a great song. Because it does take miles. Yeah. You got to show up to the people. Oh, my God. So true.

1:14:30what's your favorite song of all time? This is a completely random answer. It's just the, it's not my favorite song. It's just the first one that popped into my head. Um, outcast roses. Oh, that's good. That could be your favorite song. It could be, but phenomenal song. Love it. My favorite song of all time is the archer by Taylor Swift and someday by the strokes. Oh, that's one of my favorite songs of all time too. Someday. Yeah. So that song ever. I love the strokes. Same. I love them. And I've, every time I've tried to see them live, I always get fucked because my friend never wants to go. They're always playing at a festival I'm at, and I always miss them.

1:15:03Damn. But they're playing at Coachella this year. Are you going to go? Yeah. Nice. Do you like Vampire Weekend? Yep. I love Vampire Weekend. Really? Yeah. Do you like McGee? Yeah, I like Are You Looking Up? I love McGee. What's your favorite Vampire Weekend song? Campus. Okay. Mine is Step. Great. What's your second favorite? it um oxford comma i like that era oh okay i like step two when you listen to them on the upper west side do you feel like you are them like at columbia yeah kind of somebody stopped somebody heckled a please don't destroy live show one time we were like doing someone else's show and like we were in the middle of a sketch and they were like you guys look like vampire weekend It's crazy.

1:15:51That's nice. We were kind of dress preppy. Did you take it as a compliment? No, I mean, we were in the middle of doing a sketch. It feels like they weren't loving what we were doing. I love what you do. Thanks, Jake. Speaking of, what did we learn today? What did we learn? I think we learned that you and I have a lot of work to do. I was about to say a long road ahead. We have a long road ahead in a beautiful way. Because I was going to say we're both committing to it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'm in. I'm in. I'm all in. I'm all in. We're going to hang out and we're going to. Do you think it's going to be like this?

1:16:32No. I don't think so either. I don't think so. I think as soon as the mic is off, we're going to be like totally. Oh my God. So normal. So great. Like the second we stop recording. Yeah. A hundred percent. But my question is, are we going to allow people into this dynamic that we're having or not? I'm open to both. What do you mean? Are we going to keep parts where we're going, is this weird? Are we feeling okay? We're going to keep all that. Of course. You think so? You think we have to? It's endearing and beautiful. It's endearing? Okay, good. It's beautiful. Like we're being so vulnerable and honest.

1:17:08It's like, yeah. Okay. I'm scared. I'm not going to lie. You are? Yeah. Don't worry. Okay. What did we learn? We learned... I learned what chopped unk meant. Yeah. From you. From a chopped unk himself. Yeah. I think we learned that you just have to like, like you know the answer in your heart. And you just have to take action. And it's easy to talk about something, but it's hard to take action. I've learned that you shower face down, lying down. Why am I adding face down? No, I shower sitting down. You said lying down. Yep, I also do that. Face down? Like this. Okay, up. Face up. Yeah, and I learned that I've developed a beautiful friendship with you today.

1:18:01I know. I really see. And I mean that shit. I think that we're going to hang out. I know we're going to hang out. We're going to end up like. What are you doing Friday? I think I'm busy. Okay. No, I'll hang out Friday. Okay, cool. I have no plans. Let's hang out Friday. I have a work dinner. You want to get drinks after? Let's do it. See you there. Should we do an open mic? I'm too scared. No, let's go. Let's do drinks. We got to ease into it. Let's go to a bar. Let's get drinks. Call it a day. Talk shit. Okay, well, Ben. Jake, thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

1:18:32It was an honor. I'm sorry I didn't bring presents like Marcel. Oh, that's okay. Do most people do that? No, it was just him. Yeah, totally. Do you want to give a little bye pussies? Bye pussies. Do you want me to do it again? No. Bye pussies. Louder. Bye pussies. Bad.

1:19:00Thank you. Bye pussies. Thank you, Jake. I love you.

1:19:38We'll see you next time. and roasted bacon Brussels side, the season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app.