Session 138: Max Greenfield

26:32I feel so flattered that you responded I responded very quickly to you Oh my god Because I'm like Max texted me And we're on a week long play date That's never gonna end When are you flying back to Paris? Tonight No I know I'm really gonna miss you I mean at some point I said to you I texted you I was like how are we gonna say goodbye? I don't know You guys we spent every day of this week together Everyone's like what are you doing? I'm like, I'm with Max.

27:00You've had some pretty famous guest stars on New Girl.

27:09Taylor Swift. Oh, my God. Prince. Right. But Prince. Prince. Yeah. Prince is pretty crazy. We can stop the list right there because everybody. How did Prince happen? Prince was crazy.

27:27So we got the slot after the Super Bowl, and Fox was like, it's going to be you and the show Brooklyn Nine-Nine. And Fox was like, we need to elevate those episodes. You've got to get a great, some sort of guest star on the show, but our big one. And Brooklyn Nine-Nine has Andy Samberg and all these connections to SNL, and they were like, do you want Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell? and I think they ended up with Will Ferrell maybe. They had like a list of people that they could get to in a heartbeat and I think Andy put a – and they were like, great, we have Will or something like that. And Liz Merriweather was like – has connections to the theater world and was like, is Anthony Rapp like a good get?

28:13And so she was sort of like, I don't know what to do. And somehow we found out that Prince was a fan of the show and I don't know how it happened but they reached out to Prince and Prince was like yeah I'll do it and we were like he's never going to show up until the minute that like we were on set and like there were marks on the ground we didn't know if he was going to be there and then all of a sudden at like midnight he just comes and you're going to go just like could you hear a pin drop yes and you're like that's Prince. It was wild. And then he wrote a song for the show that he was supposed to be a party at his house and he had said that he should be DJing the party and so he was up on the DJ because he didn't want to perform the song.

29:07But he's playing the song and then the conceit of the scene was then Zoe, this is like the end of the episode Zoe jumps up on the stage, he invites Zoe up on the stage and they're like they're grooving out to the song and then she calls up all her friends. us and so then we jump up on the stage and i remember like before they called action i said to myself i was like this will never happen again right so like forget about the scene forget about the show forget about your character like any of that stuff i go you're just gonna jump up on stage and be with prince and see what happens and so they call action and i run up on stage i jump up and I was like the closest to the DJ booth, which is where he was.

29:52And I look over at him and, you know, I'm dancing. Yeah. And I look over and he looks at me and he looks at like me dancing. And I could see he's like, man, this guy is. Really feeling it? This guy's right on, man. Were you like just so in the moment? I don't even remember. I just was like letting myself move, man. Yeah. Which was humiliating. but he could tell and he was just like all right man and like i could see like he almost sort of felt bad for me in a little bit no he didn't i think he did a little bit but no he was so kind and he was so great and i just i'll never forget that it was just like one of these moments where you're up there and he's looking at you and you're like that's fucking prince man it was so crazy crazy that is one of the craziest guest star stories i've ever heard it was crazy and then Taylor Swift.

30:47But Taylor wasn't quite yet... Taylor. But I remember she was on set and we were hanging out. She was so kind. She was a better actor than all of us. I remember asking her, I said, can I ask you a question? She was like, yeah, sure. I go, if you could play to an intimate audience or a big arena, Like, what do you prefer? And she goes, without missing a beat, she goes, if you could fill the ocean with people, I'd like to play for that. And I went.

31:27You're lying. I mean. That is the most incredible response I've ever heard. It was. Because she did that. Yeah. Where did you see it? I saw it three times in LA, and I saw it once in Vegas. We were probably at the same show. Were you in LA? Yeah. I went to the Friday night. I was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday What were your secret songs? Or surprise songs? I got New Year's Day I got New Romantics I got our song twice I got our song in Vegas You got New Year's Day It was unbelievable That's my favorite song I got Dress New Year's Day is my favorite song Unbelievable What do you love about New Year's Day?

32:02I listen to it every morning It makes me cry New Year's Day is your favorite Taylor Swift song When I first heard New Year's Day Because I remember being What is it? There's glitter on the floor after the park Please, please, please. Like, you don't under, like... After the party... I don't mind. ...the floor after the party. Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby. Kindle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor. You and me grow the night before. Oh my God, we can't. I'm going to call the job. I can't go back. We're going to spend this week together, too. We have to. Don't we? Don't we? the last page.

32:44Oh, I'm going to start crying. I don't want to do it. It's the best song ever because I just remember the marketing of that album being so harsh and like very, because it was. You have to pay for the rights for that now? No, no, no, no. No, the marketing of Reputation was very much like, like harsh and volatile and like she's like angry and then you have this beautiful love story on the album being told through this anger and it ends in that song and it's just, It's one of the best albums of all time. That song crushes me. We got our song and... Oh, so we were on the same night. I was there for our song.

33:19Did you get our song? Yeah. Is this love, I think? You Are In Love? You Are In Love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't get You Are In Love. I'm so jealous. That was a good one. That's a great one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, my favorite line in that song? She says, You understand now why they lost their mind and fought the wars. and why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words. That was like a monologue. Yeah, because everything she does is a monologue. She's perfect. She's perfect. What was your favorite episode of New Girl to film ever? I mean, the Prince episode was cool. Outside of the guest stars.

34:01Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was one we did, season one, called Control. There was a director named Jesse Peretz who did it, who I love, who, by the way, did a lot of girls. Oh. Which I know you love. I love girls. But Jesse's like a phenomenal director and he directed this episode and it was called Control and I loved it so much and it was like where Schmidt and Jess go on the, I break some furniture in the episode and you can see that I have like control issues and she's like, you gotta lighten up and she takes me to the beach and I end up like integrating with all these hippies and all of a sudden, like, you know, and getting lost in them.

34:42They're like, we need Schmidt back. He's lost his mind. And I was like, I'm not coming back. And then finally, I think, like, you know, it resolves where I'm in the kitchen and I'm cooking and cleaning. And they're like, is he back? And I turn to them in some way, and I'm like this. Yes, I understand my role here. And they're like, what? I was like, I'm the mom. You were the mom a little. I am the mom, yes. Yes. Did you ever live with anyone like this? Like, did you relate to the show at all? No. But the writing was so great and so funny. And we loved making it. And Jake and I were, we would shoot these, like, crazy hours.

35:22And we would do so many takes. And, like, so much of what ended up in that show, like, what you just described to me, I have no recollection of. Right. Do you like to improv? Yeah, you do. Sometimes. Sometimes Jake was like, Jake is very good at it. Uh-huh. And so he would push, he could push it in different ways. And when I'm with somebody who's good, I like to do it. I'm not as good at initiating it and guiding it. I disagree. Thanks. I think you're really good at guiding it. Thanks. Because when we were taping yesterday, you wouldn't let me stop, and you kept pushing it, and you kept going.

36:00Well, you needed some extras, but you were very good with it. And it really added to, especially. I love improv. You're very good at it. I love making stuff up, but I don't like lying. Do you lie? I mean, it's my job. Well, no. Do you lie? In real life? Yeah. No. You're only sick as your secrets. You're only sick as your secrets? That's right. But I'm so sick all the time. I'm like actually ill all the time. My belly hurts. My belly always hurts. What's your biggest pet peeve? My biggest pet peeve? Oh my God, I have so many of them. Right now. Like, what are you therapists about this week? My issue has been that it's very hot out.

36:43It's very hot out, but it doesn't look it. Yeah, but that's fine. I like it when it's hot. It's fun to walk. It's nice. I like it. You love to walk. But then you will walk into anywhere that's inside, and the AC is turned down to what feels like 50. and it is a shocking environment to put your body in after having been outside. I've never, I can't even explain to you the ways in which I disagree with you right now. That is what you're upset about? I'm sorry, I've never, you're upset that there's air conditioning? Well, I feel like I have to layer. No. Because all of a sudden I'm outside, I'm in shorts and t-shirt, and then all of a sudden I walk inside, and I'm like, if I'm here for more than 20 minutes, I'm going to need a sweater.

37:33Or a blanket. Yeah, where the fuck am I going to get a blanket? Thank you.

37:44That's where. If this blanket was available for me everywhere I went, I'd feel great. Do you sleep hot or cold? Well, what do you mean do I sleep hot or cold? Do I like the room cold? Yeah. I like the room at about 70. Do you really want this blanket? or I feel like I forced it on you. It's not uncomfortable. Okay, so you keep... But I'll do this. I sleep at like a 71. Whoa. Where are you at? 62. You're going to break the air conditioner. I know, it's at 62 right now. Are you cold? Are you chilly? I'm freezing. That's why I wore a sweater. I know, it's cold in here, right? It's awesome. Sometimes I wake up...

38:28That's why you're sick all the time. Well, yeah. I can only picture my wife right now going like, did you and Jake talk about your stomachs? My stomach hurts all the time. Does your stomach hurt all the time too? All the time. To the point where - I have to be so careful with what goes in. What do you think it is? Because we're both Jewish. I know. It's the lactose. I know it is, by the way. It's the lactose and it's the gluten. We need to stop. I don't know what it is. It's the lactose and the gluten. You're not a scientist. Are you a scientist? No, but I'm Jewish. What's the science? It's that you're Jewish.

39:06It's that you're Jewish. And it's the lactose and the gluten and the red meat. Like, Jews are just, like, delicate creatures. Well, our stomachs are. And our minds. And our minds. And our bones. And our bodies, by the way. Yeah, we're delicate. I'm literally, I'm going to get hypothermia from this fucking room. Please. You don't understand how hot it gets in the therapist room in LA. I'm going to have to go directly to the hospital after this. Please. Have you ever gotten hypothermia? No. Or been close to it? Have you? No, I wish. Have you ever gotten frostbite? I wish. Why do you wish that you had frostbite?

39:44Because I love being cold. I always say, you can always add more layers if you are cold. If you are hot, you cannot rip your skin off. Do you think, have you ever seen that movie Alive? About the soccer team that gets stranded. No. and they eat each other no you've never seen it no you gotta watch it but they get they're up in how cold are they freezing is it based on a true story you would love it yes oh I'm so sorry to them it is you would love it is it like yellow jackets well they don't they don't eat like each other like alive okay they have to eat the dead bodies to survive what do you watch on television I watch the Knicks that was my like You know I was at game four.

40:31I know you were. By the way, that was like my daughter comes running down the stairs as I'm watching the game. She was like, Jake, Shane is there. And I was like, okay. I was excited, but I also was like, it's not about that right now. No. You were at the good game. Dude, I was at one of the best. Walk me through that. Have you talked about it on the show again? Have I, Nolan? A little bit. Okay, so Tate invited me. She was like, I have a plus one. Do you want to come with me? I'm like, yeah, please. Like, everyone's talking about the Knicks right now. This sounds amazing. Like, I grew up in New York.

41:06Like, it's the Knicks. You felt great. I felt great. I was drunk. And then you're at this game. And they were losing. And they were losing. Big time. And I was stressed as fuck. And the guy serving the drinks was like, I'm from the Bronx. Trust me. All that needs to happen is Jalen Brunson needs to start throwing a few threes. And the second he does that, everything will switch and we'll win. Was there ever a moment for you where you were like, should we get out of here? No. Good for you. No. I know, but there was a lot of people who were like, man, they're down 30. I know, but like that's disrespectful.

41:38I'm from New York. Yeah, totally. I'm not going to leave the Knicks when they're down. And I'm so happy I did it. And then all of a sudden it started to roll. I was in the bathroom and I heard, and I said, I looked at Tate and I said, and we ran outside and they were coming back. And it was like, I mean, watching, who put that last tip in? OG Ananobi. Watching that happen, watching OG Ananobi put the tip in, because he tossed it and then it didn't go in and it went boom. I can't describe to you, like I've never experienced, like it's like a bomb of joy went off. and like the entire stadium erupted.

42:26Everyone had full body chills. Everyone just immediately started drinking, like pouring shots, drinking. We were like, we're going out. It was the best night ever. Make sure you clip that out. Watching OG Ananomi put the tip in. But he did. He put the tip in. Or he tipped it in. Sorry. And then, and then, and then, and then I did talk about this on my podcast, But when it was their next game, it was my best friend Cassidy's birthday. And we were three hours late to her party because the Knicks were playing. You got caught up in it, right? Yep. Beyond. Look. He's the king of New York. He really is.

43:06He is the king of New York. Is he your favorite? Do you have a favorite? Oh, yeah. It's him. No. And I really like Carl. Isn't Carl fun? I like Carl because I love Jordan. And I love her lucky bag. I love her lucky bag. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. She literally only didn't bring the bag to one game and they lost. It's the lucky bag. And she just did an ad with the lucky bag for Spider-Man. And it's really funny. Do you have a lucky bag? Like I have my, like my bracelets. I have like my OCD. Your things. You have your things. I have my things. You have your things. Okay.

43:44Do you have anything like. I don't have my, I don't have things. Cause you're, cause you get too caught up in it. I try not to get attached to the things. Why? Because you'll get. I don't know. I just like, you know, honestly, like, I'm afraid I'm going to lose the thing. Totally. I, dude, do you know how much I lost this vacation? I lost my diary. I lost my camcorder. I lost my sunglasses. I lost everything. I lost who I was. Like, I literally, like, and you understand, like, I'm like, where could these things be? because you know like when you're an adult you realize you can't really lose things like there's always somebody to call like there's always a lost and found people don't steal things as a kid like you're like do you know what I mean you're like oh like things are like I'm gonna lose it it's gone it's stolen like you're like no I was at the restaurant let me call the restaurant everywhere

44:42oh my god I never called the restaurant is your diary at the restaurant? my camcorder is at this restaurant. Should we call him right now? Yeah. To continue, please hold. Hi, I have a question.

45:02I left a video camera in your restaurant like a week ago. Did you guys end up picking it up? A camera? Yeah, there was like a little camcorder I left at your restaurant. we didn't see nothing. Oh, shit. Okay. I'm so sorry about that but we didn't see it. Okay, thank you. I left it in the Uber for sure. So they don't have it. No, when I, she was so done with me. Like, I, like, I just, I wasn't going to push it. If it's gone, it's gone. I like what you said. I have a question. And then paused for two minutes. Because I wanted her to be like, yes. She was like, fucking asking. Yeah, like. I miss my camera.

45:52I'm sorry. I mix it. I miss, mix it, mix it, mix it. Was there good stuff on there? Yeah, I was going to make a year-end video. I have a right one. I mean, it's also July. Yeah, but I've been taking videos since the 1st of January. Well, yeah, talk it out now. The video's gone. The camera's gone. if you find it, please burn it. Like, I don't want to know. I'm, like, honestly a little stressed out about it, to be frank. What is your favorite album of all time? Oh, my gosh. Music? Yeah.

46:35It changes. It, like, depends on where I'm at right now. Where are you at right now? Sometimes I go through a Grateful Dead phase. Like, that's the summer. I've never gotten into them. Oh, my. It'll happen. Really? And it'll be great. You think it'll happen for me? The Grateful Dead, you think? But, like, I have a whole. Here, I'll give you a playlist right now. Oh, I'm so excited. What do you got on there? Okay, here we go. It takes me a minute to find out. You know I'm slow with technology. All right. Be kinder to yourself. There's a Mac Miller song on there. Oh, no. Which one? Which one? Weekend.

47:12Yes. I like Missed Calls by Mac Miller. I have Rockman by McGee. You listen to McGee? Yeah. I have a live version of Close to You by Gracie Abrams. Oh, my God. What? I like the new album, by the way. None of that's on there, but I'm discovering the new album. You got into Minibar? Yeah, I do like Minibar. Minibar's a jam. Jam. Yeah. There's a lot of slow jams on there, and then all of a sudden, Minibar comes on here. You're like, okay. Or Look at My Life. I have some Olivia Rodrigo on here. I mean, that album is just no steps. This is not from the new one. This is from the old one. I got a little Arcade Fire, Common, Prince and the Revolution, Lord.

47:56Common's in Silo. I swear to God. I swear to God, Common is in all three seasons of Silo. Is this your favorite character? No. Okay. He was the bad guy in season one. That's it. Okay. You would like Vampire Weekend. You don't listen to Vampire Weekend? I like Vampire Weekend a lot. You like The Strokes? I do. Have you heard their new album? That was exciting. They were at Coachella. Were you at Coachella? Was I at Coachella? Did you see The Strokes at Coachella? No. Lily went, though. Did she go to The Strokes? I think so, yeah. It was one of the genuine, probably one of the best experiences of my entire life.

48:32Really? Yeah. Because I had never seen Someday Live, and Someday is one of my favorite songs of all time, besides The Archer by Taylor Swift. Have you ever heard The Archer by Taylor Swift? Yes, of course. I've heard everything by Taylor Swift. Obsessed. What era like is your era? Evermore. I know. Oh, my God. I have a vinyl of it. No record player, but I'm collecting. The best. Do you love Evermore? You want to know why I love Evermore? I do love Evermore. I listen to it with my mom for the first time. So we were at – that's really sweet. She said, I like this one. It was Willow. We were in like this little box at the concert and it was myself, my wife, Lily, and her friend Sarah.

49:14And then with us in that same box was Hunter Schaefer and her two sisters. Oh my God, her sisters are the best. The? Her sisters are the best. Best. Best people of all time. Hunter's the best. Her sisters are also the best. The best. And I forget which one, but I was talking to them and she was like, and like she got into the Evermore and she goes, this is my shit. Yeah. And I go, oh my God. And she goes, I go, why? I go, why? I was like, why is that more? Because it's sad and I like it that way. It's sad. It's, well, first of all, you missed the Aerosaur when she, she used to do Tis the Damn Season.

49:52You don't understand like how, oh my God. You know, that's one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs of all time. Which one? Because when she, when those opening guitar strings start to Tis the Damn Season, I literally smell Hastings on Hudson. I smell Westchester. I literally smell a town. It's so good. When's the last time you've been back to Dobsfairy? It's been a while. But you know Jack Antonoff? Who produces all of it. You'll like this story. We were doing this movie, Hello My Name is Doris. Michael Showalter directed it and wrote it and it was amazing. You would love him. It was Sally Field and I.

50:34um it's sally fields movie and she's at this like place in her life where uh she gets this job in this office and she falls in love with my character and she fantasizes about my character and we have this like will they won't they kind of relationship um and i take her to like a like a concert and it's supposed to be a young hip concert and so michael and i were like talking about who we're going to get to be you know the act on stage uh-huh and we were like and i was friendly with lena at the time and and she was dating jack antonoff and he was out of and so i michael and i emailed lena and we were like is there any way that jack would come out and do this and be like the lead singer of this fake band and he like bleachers was pretty new at that point I don't even know.

51:28It might not even have existed. Well, because, you know, he was in fun before he was in bleachers. It may have even, like, it was around then. And so he came out, and he was the coolest. He's the coolest. And wrote a song for the movie, and is so good in the movie, and has, like, a full scene in the movie, and we had so much fun. And, like, Sally Field was, like, in love with him, as we all were. He has made some of my favorite songs of all time. Of all time. Those are like the best produced albums. Ever. Ever. Should we get into the Tell Me What's Wrongs? Oh my God, I never want to leave you.

52:02I know. Well, okay, let's do it. But at some point, we should have like a proper... I can't, Max. I can't. I can't. Well, you're going to go back to Paris until what? November? I don't know. It's going to be a while.

52:18Do you like my outfit, by the way? Because it's so cute. Did you write me a letter? No, it's the Tell Me What's Wrongs. Oh, shit. But I would write you a letter. I'm gonna send you a really long text later and I'm gonna mean every word I hope you write me one back if you yeah if you open it I'm gonna send please I'm gonna send you a text it's gonna be really long and meaningful and then I'm gonna send you a few songs to listen to for the plane oh I love that you guys I'm sad

52:49oh my god you wanna know what I've been doing lately opening envelopes my wrist like my forearm is so tight because I didn't work out for so long. And you have arthritis in there? No, I have DeQuervin's tendinitis. Okay. And so my favorite thing to do that I've discovered since I've been 26 is to get like knots out of myself or get like loosen up muscles on my own without having to get a massage. And the easiest one to do that at like something like, you know, when you have a knot there and you like go and you're like you feel it and you go over and you go over it my favorite thing to do now is like scrape muscle scrape my forearm do you get a lot see like oh yeah yeah does it happen a lot more now that you're jacked but i'm not jacked right now i need to you know pick it pick it back up my trainer said you could work on the chest.

53:50He said you lost a lot of weight, which I know I did because in Europe everything is like very clean. Despite, I like ate bread every day. Like doesn't matter. I know. Doesn't matter. I know, but I was going to say it affects our bellies though, but I think it's fine. What affects our bellies? Everything over there. But everything here hurts my stomach. I know. Like I'm going to get Mediterranean food tonight. It's going to hurt my stomach. Oh, oh. I'm so pumped though. I'm so pumped. I'm going to go home, smoke a joint. My stomach, I will feel nothing. I'm going to put on New Girl. You know, that's my nighttime show.

54:24I'm going to put on New Girl? I'm going to scrape my... Yes, I am. I am. I'm going to scrape my knots, smoke a joint, and watch New Girl. Ugh, what a night. Who's that girl? Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess. It's a good one. Hey, girl. Girl, where you going? Watch it. Okay, please.

54:53Are you ready? Yeah. I actually need your help so badly. I have absolutely no clue on how to text people, and when I do, it genuinely scares me so much. What? I'm worried everyone won't understand how I'm saying something, and spiral and spiral. Well, that is the basis of texting, so. Recently, I've been doing the voice notes, but everyone makes fun of me for that LMAO. What's your take on the voice text? Do not voice text me. The only time I will ever accept a voice note is if you're telling me, like, if we were writing something together and we were, like, writing stuff back and forth to each other, and it's just, like, your word vomiting, like, that's an acceptable voice note.

55:32Like, if you're telling me a story, fucking text me. I like to read sometimes on my phone. I like to read texts. What is it, though, about, because I don't love it either, unless someone's like, listen, I'm driving, and I can't text. I don't listen to them. I read the transcription. I know. I don't know. They're kind of scary. The only person in the entire world who I will listen to voice notes from is Alicia Carmody from The Real Housewives of Rhode Island. Why? Because she is the funniest. The voice notes she leaves me are genuinely hysterical. I look forward to listening to them. I'm going to need an example.

56:07Okay, I'll play you one. I'm going to ask her if I can put this in. I asked her how the new season was going Jake these motherfuckers had me working that's all I'm gonna say I've never worked so hard I said this isn't housewife life I thought being a housewife I was gonna get paid to stay home get a dinner you know maybe get my nails done but this is gonna be a good season trust me it's wild I am so excited I can't wait to effing see you again do you know how many people say oh my god I watched that podcast with you and Jake Shane. Like, literally today I was in Boston going shopping, and people were like, I love the interview of you and Jake Shane!

56:44I'm like, oh my god, this is wild. People are obsessed with you. You're epic. I know it's late. I just wanted to get it in before I just got home. So I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't wake you up. But yeah, people are fucking obsessed with you, Jake Shane. It's wild. Like, those are the voice notes I listen to. That's a kind message. But so, but I'd listen to a voice note from you. I'd listen to a voice note from Tess. I know those would be entertaining. Oh my god. But I don't like listening to voice notes. They really bug me out. But you know what I've been doing? Talk to text. Don't play with me in my talk to text.

57:15Oh yeah, no, no, I know. I used to really shit on people for talk to text. Uh-uh. I love it. Yeah, I gotta get into it. It takes me a minute to figure out what words I want to use. Well, I'm just like, it catches every word. It's so good. I don't know how it does it. So maybe you should talk to text. That's a good, I think that's really good. And then if you're worried about them not understanding you, you just say, sorry, talk to text. Moving to NYC and worried I'm New York chopped. Like, help. I fear I cannot compete with these New York guys. And if I don't get a boyfriend, I'm deadass moving to Ohio becoming a farmer.

57:50Any tips for my confidence? You need to just, like, fake it. Like, if you radiate, like, sex, people want to have sex with you. Oh, for sure. I don't do that, so I can't relate. But, like, if you just, like... Are you kidding? What? Jake, we have spent this whole week together, and the two of us, everywhere we go, I can tell people are like, those two guys radiate sex. Really? That's the vibe I get. Okay. See? Fake it. Like, you got to fake it until you make it. I don't think you're faking it, but I am. The two of us are out there. You're not even – you just have it naturally. People say I look really angry all the time.

58:35like when I'm walking around like people say I look angry yeah I know but that's also like it's also like sexy angry it's like I'm hungry it's not possible to be New York chopped because there's so many fish in the sea like there's no one to compete with because there's no competition like there's so many men here everyone's fucking gay in this city everyone I've never met a non-gay person in this city is it only New York or is it everywhere it's only New York there's literally like every apartment building is a gay person. Wait, hold on. Every apartment is a gay person? Yeah, knock, knock. They're gay.

59:15I swear. Everyone's like, I've experimented. I'm like, really? Damn. I'm like, where do you live? New York. Knew it. I was in Paris with these people. I was like, are you gay? And they were like, no, but I could be. And I was like, you know, everyone's experimented. I was like, where are you from? They're like, New York. I was like, knew it. Gay. So if anybody's from New York, it's automatically about. Like, you'll catch a dick, honey. Don't worry. Whether it be on Grindr, Sniffy's, Hinge, Raya, whatever you need, like, you'll catch one. It might not be the one you want, but sometimes. It's the one you need.

59:54It's the one you need. My husband and I despise each other's favorite and ongoing shows. It's almost comedic at how we can't find any common ground on what to watch together. He hates all reality and game show TV, which is my fave. Game show? Oh, like Survivor. And I hate his dark drama action shows and sitcoms. Oh, honey. You're going to take the guy's side. So am I, though, because I like dark action shows and sitcoms. Well, why does it have to be a side? I mean, can't there be a compromise? It didn't used to be a big deal. but we're in a brand new marriage and are having a tough time finding a way to wind down at the end of the night together.

1:00:36You know what I would watch? I would prescribe the show unreal because it's about the behind the scenes of The Bachelor. So you get a mix of drama and reality. Beautiful. That was some of the best advice I've ever given, by the way. It's one of the best shows ever made. I would just do like, you know, random. What about The 100 on The CW? Oh, how about this? Silo. Yeah. It's fucking great. Well, actually, it's okay. It's really okay. You know what you could do now, though? I like this random idea where, like, there should be a button on, like, the remote where it just goes. And you hit it, and it cycles through everything that's on whatever streaming service that you're on.

1:01:20And it just picks a show for you. And that just starts playing. They have that on Netflix. Do they have that? Yeah. That's on Netflix. Nolan, tell Max how many times you've watched New Girl. I've seen the entire show like six times all the way through. I love it. It's my comfort show. Do you have a favorite episode? Background check, probably. Okay. Do you have a favorite character? Thanks. Come on, man. Come on, man. He said he's never been so excited for anyone ever on the podcast. Well, can Nolan sit next to me for a little bit? Has that ever been done before? Stay in my fucking life. No, he's never.

1:01:55I don't think Nolan's ever made an appearance. I'm not even letting you tell me not to do it.

1:02:02Yeah, produce from here. Okay, read the next one. I can't believe it, Nolan. Nolan reveal. Hi, everybody. I've invited Nolan on the podcast. Hey there. Big time New Girl fan. Big time. He's six times through. Six times through, all the way. And I love Jake Johnson, and I love Nick. I relate to him the most. Not me. But you're my fave. Well, come on. I relate to Schmidt. Actually, I relate to... Yeah, Schmidt. Thanks. Schmidt's a bit delusional. And I relate to it. He's a bit of like a control freak. He's a bit delusional. He's got some issues. But he's needed so deeply. Thank you. And I know my friends need me.

1:02:49Like water. That's right. That's exactly right. And air. And I know they miss me every time they're not with me. They're on a visa right now. So, without me. So, I've never had any sensory issues before or anything like this, but recently I've been really irritated by my feet. It's like I constantly know they're there and it really went, oh my God, please, I can't. Yeah, that's my life. No, that one's going to ruin my life because I can't think about that. I don't want to think about my feet or anything or like feel sensory issues to my feet. Hey, Jake and special guest. No. Me and my boyfriend never argue and have been together for just over two years.

1:03:23Is this a red flag or a green flag or a beige or what? Sometimes I need a bit of drama and I'm just not getting it. You read that so fast. Did you get that? I did not hear a word. I was a boyfriend. I don't argue with the boyfriend. And I picked these out. She has a boyfriend. They don't argue with the boyfriend. She's like, is it weird that we don't argue? I'm weirded out. I put this in because of an episode of New Girl. Which one? I'm fully locked in. Remember, Jess is dating. Oh, God. Justin Long? No. No, no, no, no, no. Silver Fox Come on, who is it? German Mulroney Was it? Yeah What's his character's name?

1:04:00Six times, Nolan I know I'm blanking I've never been on the camera before Are you nervous? Not as nervous We call them the Big D The Big D Yeah He called himself the Big D Russell Russell, yeah Fucking Russell Fucking Russell And they never argued? No, so Jessica and Russell had a very healthy and happy relationship but then Jess realizes that she needs a little bit of argumentation in her life. And then she goes back home to the apartment and her and Nick fight. Ah! I know. I want love. You have love. No, I don't. Everyone in this room loves you. You have so much love in this world. Okay, I guess I do feel that.

1:04:46Look at Nolan and I. Look how Nolan and I are looking at you right now. Oh, I thought I was going to finish the heart with me. There we go. Love you. I know, but, okay, we have to move on because everyone on Twitter is going to be like, he won't shut the fuck up about how he, like, please. We have to move on because this happens every week. I see another tweet about how it's putting, like, these celebrities through humiliation rituals about hearing, like, how I, like, can't find a dick. This wasn't about you finding a dick. No, but just trust me. I'm on Twitter. I see it all. I see it. I hear you.

1:05:17I'll stop. Is this called X now? I think the Gen Z socially revolted. We're still calling it Twitter. Okay, I feel like that's right. Okay, read the next one. We don't love you. It's fine. Well, honestly, if you never argue with the guy, it's like, yeah, that is a red flag. You should probably argue. You don't think? If I never argued with my boyfriend, I'd be like, I don't like this. We don't know how to answer your questions now that we were scolded for answering that before. No, I wasn't scolding you. I appreciate the love. Well, it felt like a scold. Well, I'm just saying, like, people are going to be like, he needs to stop playing the pity party game that he always plays.

1:05:55Because I do. I'm like a walking pity party. Why are you yelling at us? You've put two celebrities, Nolan and I, in a position where we don't know how to. Because, like, we don't want the audience to now feel like that you've put us in a weird position. And that Twitter is going to say all these things. About me. Or Nolan and I, which would be real bad. I'm 20. Oh, my God. You want to know what I've been doing lately to calm myself down like a baby? So I realized that when you tense your muscles and untense them, it, like, calms you down. So lately I've been going. Hold it. And it really calms me down.

1:06:36You do look more relaxed. I told you. Between that and your not a thing. And it works. I swear I'm in love with my boyfriend. But it seems like every time a guy around my age walks in the room, my head is always turning. Sometimes even when I'm with him. I hope he doesn't notice he does. Is this normal or am I falling out of love? You might be. Which one? Falling out of love. What do you think? Well, I think a new girl. Schmidt dated two people at the same time. but was not falling out of love with either of them. That's right. Twitter did not like that one. Wait, really? Yeah. It was bad. What was Twitter saying about that one?

1:07:20It's X. What'd they say? Well, what happened on the show was, is I reconnected, my Schmidt reconnected with an old girlfriend from college. And you were dating Cece at the time. And I had not yet broken up with Cece. And, but, or like. No, you were single. then you were dating Elizabeth and then the wedding happened and then Cece pronounced her love for you. Yeah. And then you broke up or you didn't break up with Elizabeth, but you told Cece that you did. Yes. And he was caught in the predicament of I'm in love with both of these people and I don't know how to move forward and I can't break their hearts.

1:07:59Well, I've never experienced that, so I don't know how to help this person. Well, apparently we're not supposed to tell you that you're loved, so I guess sucks for you.

1:08:12Is this what it's like to be on the podcast? Okay, well, everybody give it up for Nolan. Nolan, this was a really special experience. It really was. I'm glad we got to do this. It was the perfect Nolan reveal for a perfect episode so far. Truly, Mike. Are you having fun? Hold on. Can I give Nolan a hug? Go give Nolan a hug. Can we have our moment, please? I love you, Nolan. Our earlobes just touched. It was very intimate. Like, in terms of press that you do, like, where would you rank this? At the top. Shut up. I believe you too. I told you I don't lie. You're only sick of your secrets.

1:08:50Anytime I watch your podcast, I get FOMO because I love your relationship with your college friends. I had a group of tight-knit close friends slash roommates in college, but I'm only close with one now. How do I get the gang back together? We're all spread out, so it's really tough. This is emotional for you. Because I know how to do it. Just shoot a text. And you start sending old photos. and the group chat will just go and you're back. Do you do a photo first or do a text first? Photo and you're like, oh my God. You're just like, you send a photo and be like, we were so ugly. Like that's what I would do.

1:09:26Like I'll send a photo, like sometimes like, I mean like it's not the same with me because I'm so close with my college friends but like I'll send a photo of Julia and I and be like, we were so fucking hideous. Like who let us out of the house? This is actually good. This is good advice. One time, Peyton and Julia wore the, they will kill me for bringing this up, but I don't even care. They wore the most hideous Halloween costume. They've never in their lives looked worse. Do you remember, first of all, I'm with Max. Hi. Where are you? In Ibiza. Still? Or no, you were in my home before. Still sick.

1:10:10We're talking about how fucking ugly you guys looked at Halloween.

1:10:17On camera? Please. What were you dressed as again? Yo, Jake. Yo, we're for motorcyclers, bro. We told Jake not to do it, but... We took mirror selfies. We took pictures in the mirror in our costumes before we went out and said, what the fuck do we do? We can't leave the house looking like this. No, I know. Jake showed him. He had him. He showed it to everybody. Oh, perfect. Thank you, Jake. He's lying, which he said he never does. So can you please find the photo? I'm finding right now. Oh, my God. I was also on mermaid, bro.

1:10:55You guys were also done. Please, hold on. Come back, please. Please. No, no, no. Okay, thank you so much. Please, please come back. Fuck, I was fat for multiple holidays.

1:11:11Don't look right now. Did you get the pictures?

1:11:16We were like... Also, Jake, did you not tell him what you dressed up as that year? Yourself, you loser. I dressed up as myself. Wait, sing the same song. Who's that girl? girl? Who's that girl? It's just... I love you guys. Oh, you missed the third.

1:11:45I like the immediate reaction or realization, which was horrifying. You don't understand, like, the mermaid costume was the most tragic thing on planet Earth. But then she went, oh my God, I'm as fat for multiple holidays.

1:12:00I, because I forgot about the mermaids. The mermaids was so bad.

1:12:09You should reconnect with your college friends. It's really fun. I think that's why, like, school uniforms are a good thing. Oh, really? Yeah. I used to show up to school and, like, oh, my God, I had a unibrow. I was, like, sweatpants. But I think if everybody, I think when you go to a school with uniforms, Everybody shows up and they're like, this is not great. But like everyone's doing it together and it levels out like the plane. You're right. Does Lily wear a uniform? They have uniforms, but it's like they're like loose uniforms. Yeah, jinx. But I knew you were going to say, so it doesn't count as a jinx.

1:12:40Okay, well, what happens now? I have super bad OCD and anxiety when I fly and I'm running around undiagnosed. So do you have any advice or similar experiences, especially since you're usually flying? I'm going on two planes tomorrow and low-key I'm freaking out okay I don't get stressed out on planes I get stressed out on everything else because if a plane is going down it is my time to go I agree you know what I mean I totally agree what am I gonna do fly the plane I don't know how to fly a plane I'm going down I'm dying you have to just accept fate like you can't cheat fate you should watch Final Destination honestly to make yourself feel better because they tried to cheat fate when they went on the airplane when they get off the airplane and then they all fucking die anyway in horrific, horrific events.

1:13:27I'm with you. If you get on the plane, the plane takes off. We're doing this. Right? You know, one time I was on a plane, they tried to start it twice. It didn't work. The third time it worked, they said, all right, here we go, and they took off. Can you imagine? Here we go. Here we go. Like. I think that's the right advice. It's not simple to see. that most days I don't recognize me with these shoes and this apron this place and its patrons you don't know the lyrics? well I don't know that one I've taken more than I've gave them by the way I like that both of us sing very low it's not simple I like when it goes what's the one where it's tension sweet center I still remember that girl Sunny's so good she is perfect keep going but she's kind there you go she is smart she is hard on herself she is broken and won't ask for help.

1:14:50She is messy, but she's kind. She is most of the time. She is all of this baked up, made in a beautiful pie. She's gone, but she used to be.

1:15:18Mine

1:15:21She used to be Mine Mine Mine Mine Mine Mine Mine Oh we sounded good there Thank God you weren't here for this Nolan Cause you were rude Max Is your real name Maxwell? No that was so nice Maybe that was the goodbye I think that was the goodbye That was nice though I've had a lovely two weeks with you. It's been a really it's been a really special time. And I'm really grateful for it. I'm really grateful too. I'm going to cry later when I write you my note. I hope you cry too. When I write you back. Okay. And then I'm going to need some space. That's fine. Yeah. And then I'll send you just like a picture of our time together just to remind you.

1:16:11We have a lot. And that'll bring us back together. So many photos. We have so many photos. And we have self-tapes. We have self-tapes. Well, Max, what did we learn today? How to use a microphone. Okay. And I learned that we're real best friends. Yeah, and that's right. I learned that I have a brand new best friend. Okay, well now you have to say, bye pussies. Bye pussies. Bye pussies.

1:16:45Thank you.