BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2024

28:49I was literally in psychosis from doing so much speed and downers, bro. I thought Southwest Airlines was trying to kill me. You told me that story once, bro. I thought Kyle took a life insurance policy out on me for 70 grand. This motherfucker... Bro, that's the most New Orleans shit ever. Somebody takes a life insurance policy out for$700, bro. Just for wanting to make it their truck payment. that's the fucking most new wall of shit bro i remember that we were in new zealand when he told me that he thought that they were putting a hit out on us yeah he thought like what do you say when he sits you down i'll put them through hell look at one point i was starting to get really impatient with it because like i was tired of explaining i was tired of explaining that like this insane theory wasn't actually happening i would one time i thought he had my phone this was one time where he quit suicide boys on twitter i don't know if you remember that oh i remember and he i remember where at the time he had just bought a condo in uh bradenton florida outside of sarasota and i can't get in touch with them kyle can't get in touch with them and we decide let's let's go out there let's just press him let's be in person so long story short we fly down there rent a car drive to his apartment and he doesn't expect us he doesn't know we're coming we go upstairs and i knock on the door and he's like one second i think to myself like man i just flew out here and fucked i'm not waiting a second i was like bro i'm here what's up like what's the problem and he was like uh give me a second he had to go to the bathroom do his little thing catch my drift and then we came outside he was ready to talk and it was long story to say i was trying to like see i was like is he fucking with me is he lying to me is he thinking i'm does he think i'm stupid or does he actually believe this shit is and is he is he fucking crazy yeah so i had to sit him down i was like bro this southwest thing do you think that the board like like the people on the board of southwest sit in a boardroom southwest airlines southwest airlines and they they discuss how we're gonna assassinate scrim from suicide boys and he looked at me dead in the eyes the most serious look on his face and he goes yes and i lost my mind bro i took my phone and i threw it on the i was trying to hit the grass but i hit the sidewalk the fucker sparked yeah and uh that pissed you off even more yeah yeah i thought they were trying It kind of killed me because my brother had bootlegged one of our tracks because he was bad off on dope and sold it to this person for like 800 bucks but actually didn't give him the song.

31:15He just scammed them. And I thought the person he scammed was the son of somebody on the board of Southwest and they were just going to take me out. To speak on the other side of things, I'm thinking what is coming out of his mouth? Is it real or not? Come to find out the story of his brother stealing a song and selling it is true. And I'm sitting there and I feel bad because I'm like been calling him a liar in my head and all this shit. And then I find out it's true. So then I'm like, all right, so is all of this true? I still refuse to believe that the board of Southwest is meeting to discuss his assassination.

31:48But I had my brother and my family believe that. That was a crazy fucking time. Bro, I was very convincing. There's a guy living at our house at the moment. And he was like trying to get off work to just come down and just say hi. Oh, and just mill around? like a loitering they call it yeah yeah i think you guys loitering must be a british thing huh because we wouldn't say that loitering what would you say we'd be like oh yeah stalking yeah well stalking is more like once you've loitered and you see something in the window you know you see something you see a bit of tits in the distance or something yeah but yeah that's stalking yeah yeah and then it's breaking and entering you know and then it's marriage usually if you have a way with words i think here's a couple of viettes right here.

32:32Bring them up.

32:36And this is Jan Mare. Damn, this fucking kid is ripping, bro. Full allowance this week. God damn. Yes.

32:54Look at his face. How does he even know how to feel all this? What? I got a game on tour right now. This kid could also be 40 years old, dude. We don't know what's going on, bro. Unreal if that's a real person and not AI. No one's going to know. The kids aren't going to remember this fucking guy. Dude, most people can't even see that far. How far can people see usually? What do you mean? I'm just saying, like, how far can somebody see? What does that mean? Average sight distance for a person with normal vision is about three miles. Get fucked, dude. When standing on a flat surface with their eyes about five feet above the ground.

33:39That is bullshit. I thought it was like 70 feet or something. Why are you asking this question? I'm not sure exactly, I guess. What were you talking about? We were just talking about David Spade, average read. I just got a Cybertruck, too. Oh, you were telling me that? Yeah. You got it? Yeah. How is it? It's wild, bro. I mean, for one, you feel like you kind of work at Lowe's kind of a little because it feels like you're supposed to be like delivering something to somebody, but you never drop it off. What do you put back there? I don't know. It's just the whole car feels a little bit like an appliance.

34:13Yeah. So it feels like it feels like sometimes somebody's just going to open up the back and just put a TV dinner in it. You know, it just has this like kind of or just put a load of laundry in there. Just press a button. It has an appliance, he kind of feel, but then it makes this sound when you go fast and it literally feels like you're going into the future. Nice. And some people don't know what it is. Like there was a guy who like, I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he just seemed really homeless. And he was like, what is it? What is it? You know, and then he just kind of started yelling at it and just cracked a beer open.

34:54and I was like God being married to a gay man would be fun because there's a feminine energy to him that would be like almost like having a girlfriend oh it's the largest Pomeranian you can have if you're a woman is a gay husband yeah I like that's what I said I feel like that would be your type if you dated black girls I'm willing to date a nice black girl yeah what is I mean a black girl that's nice what does she look like like describe just tall kind of and had some booty on her, bro. Yeah, I knew that. And some of the titty went into the booty. I was like, damn, this is a whole. I'm trying to imagine that.

35:34It was just a, God damn. Like Coke bottle shape. I mean, she looked like the letter S, bro. Yeah, yeah. And she was really pretty eyes, nice, soft-spoken, looked at me twice. One time I hung around for a long time for the second look. It's getting weird at that point. It still counts, but yeah, it was a little weird. And I waved and I walked off, bro, and the wave was what fucking fucked me up. What type of fucking guy waves? See, that's going to turn black women off. I know. You don't do that shit. You got to be a little bit gangster. You got to be straight up. They want straightforward, especially coming from you.

36:17You know what I'm saying? One of our white brothers. in the community, I think more black women want you to be, you gotta be more assertive. Not too much because you know how y 'all get. Y 'all gotta meet her. None of that turn back the clock shit. I'm a modern day soldier, brother. You get what I'm saying? Like, yeah. 100%, buddy. None of that going back to the 1800s bullshit. I'm saying Like be assertive As if like 2012 and up Yeah 2012 and up assertive Right You're fine as hell You are beautiful Yeah And I would like to see you soon That works But you gotta be You gotta give them a little They wanna feel their oomph You know what I'm saying Yeah Yeah

37:09I'm a colonel of this motherfucking time Y 'all have to be back You get what I'm saying You have to be back Yeah Yeah What's your kiddo like Like, I don't know if I... She's a stud. Oh, it's a baby. It's a girl. Were you there when she was born? I pulled her out of the coochie. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. They let me bring my katana in. What kind of shoes did you wear? Closed-toed, obviously. I know this, anybody. Closed-toed shoes. I think that's what God wants. Yeah, you have to. Anybody that wears open-toed shoes to their child's birth is obviously, first of all, a Jimmy Buffett fan. Well, fuck yeah.

37:45Well, that's the one exception. I think Jimmy Buffett could wear thongs to the child's birth, I think. Well, what are you supposed to wear? Like, oh, I was saying, I pulled her right out. No way you didn't. By the head. I did. I got gloved up. And they let you do it? There's not somebody there? Is there a lifeguard or something? Well, I don't know. My doctor was such a baller. And is the mom awake during this? Yes, sir. Okay. She's full awake. She's not on a phone or anything, is she? She's on Clash of Clans. Oh, that's amazing. The child has filed emancipation papers. You can see him right there begging for a sip.

38:22Yeah, he's in. That's Deep Roy, isn't it? That's Deep Roy. That's not a child. That's Deep Roy. And Roy's getting... Look at her. She's just beyond... This is a new headshot. This new headshot. By the way, Deep Roy has pretended to be an infant. Is there going to be a newspaper article? when the company's baby was actually deep run. I wouldn't be surprised. There's a lot of, look, things are getting so tough out there. Little people are going undercover. They just had a Russian girl. Yeah. To be able to eat and survive. So they're just going to have to, you know, and Whitney, because Whitney is, is she's busy.

39:07She's busy. That's the thing with Whitney. Great mom and everything, but she's busy. She's got a lot going on. So she might not notice if their son is deep roi. She might not notice. She's got deep roi there. Oh, you got a fucking young baby who's just in an Elvis outfit. She might like how quickly he's growing. And she might be like, my baby's so impressive. He's speaking. He's speaking Hindu. He's dressed like Elvis. Yeah, he's doing great. I've done a great job. I mean how would you approach that? I was a kid Your wife is allergic To the fucking You know what I mean Cat And I'm your kid Be real Don't do comedy Don't do comedy right Okay I would probably get a shit I'm your dad I'm your son Okay Hey Dan Mommy No no You don't have to Do it Sorry just do it like me Wait wait You don't have to have an Asian accent Okay I don't know what I don't know what country we're in No no no You're you Okay Got it.

40:12I didn't know. Out of nowhere, you're going to have an Asian accent? I don't know what country we're in. No, we're in America. Okay. Who gives a fuck? Well, give me a setting then. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I have to be that specific. Yeah, you're just okay. You live in Nashville. Okay. Your wife is white. You're my son. Yeah, I'm not Asian. All right. Make believe that I'm your biological son. Okay. Right? Yeah. Hey, Daddy. Hey, Chucky. What's up? I don't know. The people don't even get thought of anymore, it feels like, a lot of times. And here's the toughest part, I think Bernie is, as a person who has felt like in their life, maybe their father died in a war, their grandfather died in a war, and they've tried to pay their taxes and be a considerate person in their town or their country.

40:54After a while, those good people start, it starts to erode a little because they don't feel like, and they lose their sense of purpose. man, when you're, you lose the fabric of your society, a lot of people, that's how they, they didn't even realize it. A lot of us don't even realize that's, we identify as an American. And when you realize, well, America, it's nothing, but it's a, it's a shell LLC for fucking big corporations. Then what am I? I'm just a, I'm just a idiot. You know, and you almost feel ashamed of yourself, you know, or you can, you know, anyway, just, I don't know. A lot of that stuff, just, I just don't see how people think that that's good or how you're going to still be able to get people to buy in.

41:35Theo, I think you said it better than I did. I mean, I agree with you. I think a lot of people are ashamed. They've given up. They're hurting. And many of these people have fought and died, or their families have fought and died in wars, and they're good people. And maybe they're nurses and business people. Yeah, anything, crossing guard, mailman. Exactly. They believe in their community. Yeah. And meanwhile, they're getting ripped off by people on top politically and economically. clean. Well, even the radio, like you're saying, it's like you used to have like a newspaper and you you read and it meant something.

42:07Your community meant something. It used to be that your grandpa worked at the factory and they made the table that you have in your home. And so everything had a story to it. There's some connection. And now it's like we're buying stuff from countries that they're making it. They don't care. We're using it. We don't care. There's no story. Nobody has any like there's no there's no thread. You know, the thread just It's thin. That's a very profound point you just made. And so how do we get it back, you know? It ain't easy. Yeah. But I think you hit the nail on the head. And you don't drink or smoke, right?

42:42I don't drink or smoke. You never have. No, I never have. I had a great brother who taught me a lesson. Don't drink. What was his name, Donald? His name was Fred, Fred Trump. So I never had a cigarette, and I've never had a glass of alcohol. And my brother was incredible. He would tell me because he knew he had a problem. And he'd say, don't ever drink. Don't ever smoke. He'd always add smoking because he did smoke a lot. Did you guys ever do anything fun together? Like one nice memory that you have with him? He had a great talent for flying. He was a pilot. Oh, sweet. And he loved it. Did you ever fly with him?

43:15I did. I fly with him. He was a great pilot and a very talented. Other pilots would come to his house to study with him. Watch him fly. And he was really talented. that, but ultimately he had to give that because of the alcohol. He had to give that up, which was a hard thing for him to do, but he had to give that up. I saw where you had, your mom was out and you congratulated her on, she almost has 10 years of sobriety, you said? That's right. Yeah. She's in January, January of 2025. She will be 10 years clean and sober. What was it like growing up like with an alcoholic mother, like no judgment against your mother.

43:50This is just to look at it, right? Yeah, sure. I appreciate that. Yeah. What, what is that like? Like, is it hard to make a connection with your mom? Like, what are some of the side effects of that on a child? Even as a young kid, I sort of very neatly divided the world into like three categories of people, right? There were the helpless people, the victims, the people who needed to be helped. There were the bad guys who were preying on the victims. And then there were the strong people who sort of stood up for everybody else and stood up to the bad guys. That's like, you know, that's overly simplistic.

44:23But definitely, you know, I saw my mom growing up very much as this person who was kind of a victim and was being preyed on by bad people, right? And then the person who was sort of looking up for us and standing up for me, especially was my grandmother. And I think that attitude of, you know, some people are just not as strong as we wish them to be. And I probably went into the Marine Corps. I was pretty whiny, pretty resentful kid, was pissed off at my mom, was pissed off at all these other people because I didn't have the things that I thought I should have. And then eventually, yeah, there's me when I was much, much skinnier, much better looking.

45:02Oh yeah. The Marines, dude, that was the original Ozempic. That's right. That's right. There's a lot of Asians for Trump out there. Do you know that?

45:15How do Asians feel about Trump? Let's say it, man. Can I say something to you? Yeah. I'm not the president of Asians. I seem to think that you seem to think that I'm their leader. Like every month there's a gathering, right? And I get all this information from people. Yeah. And then I go out to the world. I'm their spokesperson or something. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're like Kim Jong-un. No, I'm not Kim Jong-un. You're like a smaller version. You're like scam Jong-un. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was one lady that covered the Trump thing. it was think it was an asian lady you see the thing uh covered the at that time that we interviewed trump this is kind of self-aggrandizing or whatever oh here we go but that's not even all trump has wooed this hyper masculine online culture deeply during a recent podcast with the comedian theo one instead of talking about economy or immigration or health care or the global conflicts they discussed cocaine addiction no did you did you really cooking addiction and some people are just food just real creeps when it comes to eating you know i've had owl my and you know i don't know if we can say it or not but no you can't well i didn't you just did i didn't have it you ate an owl you just said you did though huh you just said you had out Did he not just say he had owl?

46:45I didn't do it. Wait a minute. I think he said eagle. Yeah. No, I didn't say eagle, dude. And if I did, it was a wigged eagle. I don't eat bald eagle. No, but I did have, we had owl. My sister's at Carvin. Grilled up two owls. You just said you didn't have owl. I thought we could say it now. Sorry, Ronnie did it. No. I eat anything. You're a freaking owl eater. A baldy owl eater. I didn't have a lot. I didn't have a lot. There's not a lot to him. That's the trick. You didn't swallow? I didn't inhale. You know, Thanksgiving, it's interesting that even time says, hey, hold on. I need you to give some thanks.

47:36I need you to, you have to have some gratitude here. you know and i think that that to me that's pretty fascinating that that is a speed bump that's been put into uh our calendar it's just built in there you know it's a comma that says hey care right care about the things that have happened to you you know find things to have gratitude for um and see i want to think about those today and just things that I'm thankful for. I'm thankful, yeah, being able to whisper. That's a big one. I'm so thankful for that because otherwise everybody in your family would just wouldn't know how you felt about them.

48:26You're asking me what I've been up to. I've been visiting schools. Now I have to like look at real schools because my oldest daughter's like going to turn five. So that's like kindergarten. so yes she has to get like the real school system and uh we were looking at this one place and they have plain clothes just like guards now with guns so it's kind of sick i was like dude i really want to retire and become plain clothes just walk around a school just grow like a ponytail and be a teacher that's all you do all day you carry a gun you just wait for like some nerd to pop off and you just blast them dude that would be that would be honorable man But what if you fucking, what if you start tripping in your head and thinking that somebody's like, some kid is like plotting and shit?

49:11Like I'm like the true detective. I'm Russ Cole of school security. I'd have to wait till they pop. They'd have to pull out first. You think you would set a kid up? No, no, no. Can you say that? No, you're saying like get like all tripped out. Like damn, is this kid getting paranoid? Like I know these motherfuckers. Like oh, Damien's up to some shit. I know he's packing. No, I would just wait. I would chill. I'd do my thing. and the moment one of those motherfuckers pulled out the steel, I would just be there ready to die and just walk them down. That's your job. So Beast Games, that's the show.

49:46Yeah. So before this, I was showing them episode one of a show I have coming out December 19th. Yeah, you said there's a lot of world records that were broken in the shooting of this series. Yeah, 40 Guinness World Records. Wow. Yeah, we have like so many plaques now that we have up on our wall. I'm basically making a wall out of Guinness plaques just from the show. What are some of the records you guys broke? Most contestants ever in a show. Largest cash prize in a show. Most cameras recording at once in a show. Most people, which you saw. And a show like most money given away in the first episode of a show.

50:23Just like stuff like that. Yeah. Oh, that's the most people probably since 9-11, I would think. Oh, my gosh. We might have to take that out. yeah and that's it i shouldn't have said that i'll say something else um yeah i haven't seen that many people uh at the same time why was there a cut before you say what you're saying right now huh oh there's just we needed something he had to use the bathroom yeah yeah just had to use the yeah i had already i'd already soiled the conversation uh oh that's the most people at once that i'd seen since um oh since i was in the parking lot of a widespread panic concert you know but that was lsd um that kind of works a little yeah i think that's honestly you should keep the first one but if i've done one thing well it's what i call failure and that is i ran for sophomore junior and senior class presidents i lost three times and based on my track record i decided to run for student body president where i went on to wait for it lose i started nine nine businesses, seven have failed.

51:26I can't tell you how many women in Whole Foods and other places and other retail establishments I've been rejected by. But the reason I get to live the life I lead, the reason I'm with a very high character, attractive person, is because I have always been able to endure rejection. And that is the key. That is the skill. Because one of the great things about America is we don't embrace failure. That's bullshit. But we tolerate it. If your business fails but you're a good person, usually your investors will back you again. And if you approach a woman and express interest and she's not interested, you're both going to be fine.

52:00Yeah. And show me a guy. Show me a guy. You know, we all know that guy. You think, okay, he's a nice guy. He's modestly successful. He's not that attractive. And he's with just such a high quality woman. That guy is not afraid of rejection. That guy cycled through nine women who said, get the fuck away from me. Yeah. before he found that one woman who gave him a chance to be funny, kind. She was drawn to a smell. She liked the way he treated his parents. The key to success in America is what Winston Churchill said, and that is the willingness to fail or your ability to fail and not lose your sense of enthusiasm.

52:39There was a study done in Australia. I used to work in palliative care as a doctor looking after dying people. You know what the top regret of dying people was? that they didn't have the courage to be themselves. And the third top regret was that they didn't have the courage to express their emotions. They pretended to be happy when they were not and so on. So the question for the rest of us is, do we want to wait till some terminal illness wakes us up? Or should we just confront the fact that in so many ways we're afraid to be authentic because we're so afraid of being rejected? You've really taken over America.

53:18You've kind of become like a stitch in the American flag. I feel like you're like this thing that everybody feels like they can believe in, you know? There was a time last year, and I just had a prayer where I was like, I want to be happy, I want to travel, and I want to meet people. And God answered me like crazy. Really? Yeah. Wow. And you really were praying that? Yeah. No, he humbled me, for sure. Wow, man. That's powerful, huh? Yeah, no. Power and prayer. you're gonna pay me to go fucking relive my life like you said hey sean you want to go hit the restart button like fuck you really fuck no the school system's like oh sean like he's just a bad kid they don't realize i'm up till three o 'clock in the morning like you know late i mean fuck dude i remember it's hard to stay up late and learn dude i remember like laying in bed like i remember i stopped believing god man like fucking like i had fucking um yeah it's crazy shit dude crazy shit man yeah it's okay man it's a lot of that sad dude i used to be scared at night like uh i used to stand up like i heard when i was a kid that like if you peed around your like animals could pee somewhere that other animals wouldn't come you know i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about huh have you ever heard that

54:35yeah i'm sorry bud so

54:43I'm sorry, buddy. That's all good, dude.

54:54We don't have to talk, man. I can just sit here with you for a minute.

55:00Fuck. Fuck. Six seconds.

55:07I can just sit here. we can just sit here nah it's all good just take a second I'll just process it

55:24I think some hard things that people don't understand like trauma you know yeah

55:39Sometimes it just comes out Oh no dude Like I remember I have a hole in my gum

55:51Yeah when I was a kid I used to scratch my gum And I have a hole in my gum You know Just from being nervous and stuff? No just anxiety you know Yeah. Yeah, even to this day. Yeah. I mean, today, dude, like, I'm a grown-ass man. I don't give a fuck. I mean, you could post this. I don't care. Oh, dude, I don't have any. No, it's all good, dude. I mean, it's what it is, dude. Like, it is what it is. Like, people understand. I'm like, when I talk about, like, oh, I kill a man. It's like, you don't understand. You're like, when you go through that level of trauma, like, you just view the world differently.

56:28Anything new in the Dayton world? Uh, kinda. Yeah, what you got, you little squirrel buddy? What happened? Well, back in March, I had a little incident with a girl. You had an incident? I met her at a bar. Mm-hmm. And then went home with her that night. And now, Raleigh, at this point, you're still in your ejaculatory promissory note with the Lord is still intact, right? Correct. Okay. um so what happened did you end up i mean like how did it end dude you know what i'm saying like did you end up you know cream in that little nugget or what happened i did no what riley mal god baby congratulations dude i don't see a lot of that come over here and shake my hand real quick i just want to shake the hand of a man that's

57:31come recently this year. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Good to see you, brother. Good to see you. All right, go back.

57:54Well, sniffing that cocaine all over town Say it all. Say it all.

58:31Wow!

58:39I'm walking up the field, going down the main Trying to find a nickel for to buy cocaine Hey, hey, but let the cocaine be It'll burn out your nose, your eyes turn red The goddamn cocaine will kill you dead Hey, hey, but let the cocaine be Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to meег Assassin liquor, let the cocaine be Hey-hey-butter let the cocaine be Yeah, tell it to me, tell it to me練 Corwin liquor, let the cocaine be Hey-hey-butter let the cocaine be

59:21Come on. Hey! Well, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's killed my friends. It's going to kill me too. Hey, hey, but let cocaine be. Some of you people, you think you're tough. Sniffing that cocaine just like snuff. Hey, hey, but let cocaine be. Well, tell it to me. Tell it to me. Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be. Hey, but let the cocaine be. Yeah, tell it to me. Tell it to me. Drink corn liquor, let the cocaine be. Hey, but let the cocaine be.

59:58Wow. Hell yeah, man.

1:00:09Thank you.