The Birth Keepers: Journey Moon – episode three

0:00This is The Guardian.

0:33Hi, I'm Shirin Kale, and I'm Lucy Osborne. You're listening to The Birth Keepers, a new six-part series from The Guardian Investigates. Just before we start, this series contains references to baby loss and maternal harm.

0:58It's 2013. Lauren is an actor, and Chris is a session musician in a band. For some reason, today, he's dressed as a pirate. I was cast in his best friend's music video. We met at a video shoot, very typical LA thing. And I look over and he walks in and I thought, oh my gosh, that sexy pirate right there is my guy. And I was dressed as a cat. They had dressed me as like kind of a sexy kitty. And so he said later that he saw me and he was like, that sexy kitty is mine. So we were both kind of thinking the same thing. Something with her and I just, I don't know, it just worked. It clicked. And it went from a little coffee date to spending every single day together, to starting businesses together.

1:43And 12 years later, here we are.

1:51Not long after they met, they realized they were both tired of L.A. That they wanted something very different from life. So they bought a trailer and moved to Joshua Tree National Park. Picture cactuses, a vast rocky desert under a dramatic blue sky. My goal for my life was to be basically wild and free. Roam the land barefooted, you know, in the sand and the cactus. Just being a part of nature was huge for me. That was relaxing to us, you know, to just be able to, like, read a book, chill, walk around on the land, and nobody even knows that you're there. Did you know that you wanted kids? Did you always know you wanted kids?

2:29Oh, yeah. We wanted kids from when we first met. Chris was wanting one kid. I wanted, like, ten kids. Eventually, he's, you know, was like, yeah, let's do, like, twelve kids. So he changed his mind pretty quick. And then that's what we wanted for them too. To be wild and free and have the healthiest start to life as we could give them.

2:52Did you get pregnant quite quickly? Right away. The first try. First shot, first month we were pregnant.

3:07From The Guardian Investigates, I'm Lucy Osborne. This is The Birth Keepers. Episode 3, Journey Moon.

3:26Initially, the plan was a hospital birth. But Lauren got a bad vibe from her first meeting with her doctor. It asked me how I was feeling. It never even gave me eye contact, kind of just lousy kind of doctor. And so we lost faith, broke very quickly. Then they found a home birth midwife that they liked. But they'd just started a new business leasing holiday trailers and camper vans on their land. Money was tight. I didn't have cash up front, I don't know,$5 ,000 to hand her right then. And that's what she wanted. And that made us say, OK, well, can't do a midwife. Like many women, Lauren started scrolling, looking for information on natural birth.

4:04The whole algorithm stuff, once you look at something, they show you other stuff. And then I got just hooked on the Free Birth Society. Lauren started with the FBS podcast, which back then was only a year old. And the thing that really hooked her was the birth stories. Emily Saldaya interviewing mothers about their free births. Held him up to my chest and was just like kissing him and smelling him, rubbing my face on him. And then Avalon, the dog, the wolf, the midwolf, comes over. I mean, she's by my side throughout the whole thing. She was like, she wouldn't even go outside to pee. I got so hyped up on those stories because everybody did it.

4:41Everybody was so successful and had amazing stories with birthing in a yurt, birthing in a river, birthing outside by a fire. It's a still night and I'm in labor here and I'm looking at the moon and this amazing fire and I'm just twirling my hips and just feeling the warmth of the fire on my belly. I was like, that's what I want. And if they can do it, I can do it too. How many would you listen to every day? Oh, I was listening to like six, seven podcasts a day. I was blowing through them. I probably listened to all of them. Lauren also joined the FBS Facebook group, which back then was a smaller group of women and was free to join.

5:16She became friendly with the members, including Emily. It got to where we could talk on Facebook or Instagram. I trusted her very, very much. I felt like she proved herself since she had led all these other women to these great victories in their births. And so I was excited for my turn, my victory with my baby. Lauren discussed the idea of free birthing with Chris, and he was on board too. I loved it. I loved the idea of it. I loved the concepts. You know, they tell you not to do the OBGYN stuff, so I quit doing that. No more doctors, no tests, no blood work or visits or ultrasounds, nothing.

5:59We didn't know what her gender was. We stayed away, stayed away from the doctors because my body was meant to do this.

6:11Probably have noticed similarities between Lauren's story and Nicole's, which we told you about in episode one. In fact, there are certain things we've heard over and over again as we've interviewed dozens of women for this investigation.

6:28women being directed to FBS content by social media algorithms often after searching for more mainstream content the addictive quality of the FBS podcast particularly the epic free birthing stories bad prior experiences with the medical industry and a trust in Emily's knowledge and especially her confidence and here's the main one the one we heard from every single mother we spoke to a sincere, deeply held belief that they were doing what was best for their baby

7:08It was all for her and it just took a bad turn and it was, what was meant to be something special for her turned out the complete opposite and yeah it was never out to prove anything it's never for my own my own sake it was to give her something special

7:30Lauren's due date came around in October of 2018 and the plan was to give birth in their silver airstream trailer in the desert surrounded by wilderness half an hour away from the nearest hospital I had all the stuff I had my little my little labor basket ready with all the stuff I would need. We had lots of snackies, water bottles, things like that, so that we didn't have to go out and get anything. It was all ready. Here's another pattern you'll hear a lot. After listening to so many incredible free birth stories on the podcast, Lauren thought her birth would play out like theirs. But once her labor began, Lauren was blindsided by how excruciatingly painful it was.

8:11I stood up, I couldn't stand up. Like if I laid on my side, I couldn't lay on my I was in so much pain. I was like stuck almost like leaning over a bed. Lauren started to feel something wasn't right. By like day two, the contractions weren't spread out anymore. It was just like one long contraction. Lauren tried to stay positive to remember what she'd heard in the podcast, not to let the negative thoughts enter her mind. But by day four, it really felt like her labor wasn't progressing. It just wasn't moving. It wasn't going. So she decided to message Emily directly on Facebook Messenger. OK, so here I've got them in order.

8:49October 4th at 10.42am.

8:57Lauren told Emily she'd been in transition, the intense part of labour before the pushing, since the previous night. The pain is unbearable at this point and I just want to know if I'm not progressing. Emily replied, quote, You're not in transition, I'm so sorry to say. You are still in the beginning stages of labor and need to reset. And I asked, even at one to two minutes apart, I've been having surges since the first. She just said, you got this, mama. You got to get out of your head. Lauren persists. She says, I've been throwing up too. This pain is so intense. Emily replies, quote, the pain is not unbearable.

9:38It's not unbearable. This is birth. You make a choice to move through one sensation at a time, or you make a choice to go to the hospital. There's no way out. Emily told Lauren, you'll have to die a thousand deaths and let go of everything you think you can't do. This is totally normal. It doesn't sound like anything to worry about. This is temporary, I promise. Women always progress. Not progressing is not a real thing. Your baby's coming. Ugh, I hate reading this. How does it feel reading it now? It's just, now that I know I actually was not progressing and not progressing is actually real. So that is just, that gives me chills to think about that.

10:24On the 6th of October, six days after her contraction started, Lauren starts seeing what she thinks may be meconium. Still no earthside baby. I'm pouring coloured fluids though. Meconium is a baby's first stool. It can be a sign that a baby is in distress, and it can sometimes also be dangerous if it gets in their lungs. Emily does not initially respond when Lauren first mentions the coloured fluids. She says, I'm so proud of you. Stay hydrated. Things are happening. Lauren brings it up again. Is the fact that the fluids are a little yellow and smelly okay? Emily replies, smelly bad or just birth weird smelly?

11:05which I have to say is a question I'd personally find quite difficult to answer. Emily then asks, Yellow tinge like meconium, what week are you? Lauren replies, Not a nasty smell, but it's not pleasant either. Yellow, mostly, but I woke up around four and poured some brown fluid. Emily responds, Meconium is much more likely at this stage for normal, natural reasons. Have you taken your temperature? Lauren sends a photo of a yellow-brown stain. Emily responds, It looks totally normal, healthy, amniotic fluid. Also, does not look gushy brown or yellow to me. Which is a good thing. It doesn't even look like meconium to me.

11:48All looks well and healthy. Ride those waves, sister. Your baby is coming. All is well. While Lauren was in her trailer messaging Emily, she also turned to the FBS Facebook group. You might remember us talking about this before. It's common for women in labour, like literally during their labours, to post in the group with their concerns. Like, is this normal? Is this OK? What's going on? I was just getting nothing. But you're doing good. You're just in the beginning. Just let it happen. Just let it happen.

12:23Not everyone in the group agreed. Renee Lapointe, a midwife from Massachusetts, was also watching on. She'd initially joined the FBS Facebook group mostly out of curiosity. But quickly, she had become concerned with what she was seeing. Women would say, I have this unusual discharge, or I have a fever. And instead of being told to get help, they were told, just do what your body is telling you to do. Just listen to your instincts. Well, their instincts led them to come to this group and ask questions. When she saw Lauren's post about her prolonged labour and the meconium, Renee was really worried.

13:03I remember saying, that's not OK. And people saying, that's a variation of normal. And that's not a variation of normal. She needs help. And I remember typing, please go to the hospital. And as quickly as I would type it, it would get taken down. And there were several of us doing that. The posts were being deleted by FBS group admins. And they were being deleted because they were against the group's rules. There was no assistance talk, meaning you could never recommend somebody go into the doctors. You couldn't even recommend that somebody call a local midwife or home birth group. You could not recommend anybody do anything outside of what their instincts told them to do.

13:50So everything in the group just focused around free birth is the best thing you can possibly do and anything outside of that is garbage. Lauren says she can't remember ever seeing these messages from people like Renee, urging her to go to the hospital. Wow. If that was being deleted and then that's the reason I didn't see it. That's that's really sad. That's really sad. I didn't know that. Renee, I just want to let you know that we found the mother and her name is Lauren. and she was really grateful to hear that somebody had tried to at least tried to give her the correct advice on the Facebook group but she had no idea.

14:32She didn't know.

14:36I'm sorry I didn't know I didn't know that she could you know it just makes me sad because it wasn't just me there was several of us in that group trying so hard. I'm sorry. I don't get emotional. I'm pretty stone cold. But I didn't know that she didn't know that there were people that were trying to help her and how lonely that must have felt.

15:15On the evening of the 6th of October Six days into her labour Lauren sent Emily a picture of a stain It was luminous green Emily replied, that's mech Meaning meconium The next morning, Lauren messaged Emily Saying that she hadn't peed since the day before that the meconium smelled and that she hadn't felt much movement from the baby. Emily said,

15:51Lauren replied that she was 30 minutes from hospital and that there were no midwives around. She then added, I'm starting to feel like something may be off. I've been trying to stay positive, but this feels wrong to me. Emily warned her what to expect if she goes to the hospital. She explained what tests they could perform and she said, quote,

16:21Lauren told Emily she was going in. I think I'm going to go in. I feel terrible about it, but I don't want to let my pride hurt this baby. Yeah, I'm going to not tell the whole truth for sure. oh wow should i say 12 hours i hate all that it's just like gross that's so gross to read what why is it so gross to read i feel like i wanted her approval i wanted her to tell me i was doing good i wanted her to tell me i'm doing everything right i wanted what she wanted and i wanted to do what she thought was best not what i thought was best and that's just gross to see but like everything in her hands i well that's just so embarrassing to read no do you mean don't be embarrassed it's it's totally you know you can totally see you were putting your trust in someone you thought that she was giving you the right advice oh yeah oh yeah it's kind of sad to see all that trust um that was full just falling into her arms basically and that's just something that I don't do now.

17:32You know, I would never do it now. And you think back and you're like, well, why did I do it then? Like what, what? I don't know, I guess I just thought she had my best interest.

17:44Emily sent Lauren a script of how to lie to doctors at the hospital. It said, quote, I recently began labour and my waters opened this morning, but it had a bad smell and I thought it best to come in. Before they set off for the hospital, Lauren could still feel the baby Filter kick in, filter move in, I was like, alright, we're going to have the baby today, let's go to the hospital, we're done They rushed through the hospital doors Lauren didn't use Emily's script They admitted her, we're in the room And they were checking for a heartbeat And the nurse said they're not seeing or hearing a heartbeat.

18:32And at that point, you just, it's like the whole just nine months of everything just kind of goes just to that moment. And you just think, no, it can't be, you know, check it again. And Lauren and I just kind of looked at each other. And then that moment she said there was no heartbeat, I remember looking over to my husband and he just went, it's okay. It'll be okay. And we had to stay strong until she was born. They basically just said, we got to get her out right away. Took me right back to labor and delivery. And they just, without even asking, they started loading me up in meds. It was excruciatingly painful.

19:15It actually ruined my ability to be able to have babies naturally because of all the pushing they ended up having to do to get her out it's yeah they they needed like seven doctors to hold her down help assist with her um you know and this went on for a long time i mean this wasn't just like a five minute ordeal i think this went on for probably like 45 minutes and um that at that point i was i was extremely worried for Lauren because there was the chance of her not surviving this too.

20:10I found out later that they actually told my husband that there was a chance that I was going to die too. So my poor husband was having to cope with the fact that his daughter had just passed away and now he might be watching his wife pass away too. And so, you know, so many thoughts are going through my head of just like, am I about to just lose everything right now? And it's, it's, It's one of those moments in life that just kind of create that little scratch on the soul that just would never leave.

20:59Do you know what kind of position she was in? her arm and shoulder was lodged and the left side of my pelvis so much so that they had to pop her up and push her out they ended up having to use all those tools all that lovely stuff what do they call the forceps and the vacuum to to pull her out and the whole the whole thing was just a really really rough experience lauren and chris's baby was stillborn at 9 30 a.m weighing eight pounds 13 ounces they had already chosen a name journey moon they gave me uh two days to hold her and uh that they you know they put her on my chest right away so i got to feel her while she was still nice and warm and um dark hair she had nice thick dark hair um can't really tell in the picture.

21:53She had the hat on, but can we see the pictures? Yeah. So this was the, one of the first times I got to hold her. Can you tell us about what she looks like? She looks a lot like my husband. She was the only, my, my husband's Mexican Italian and all my other kids were born very white and she is very, born pretty dark. We never got to see what color eyes she had or anything, but I like to imagine maybe she had, you know, maybe she had blue eyes like my daughter or she could have been the only one with brown eyes. It's just, it's fun to imagine. She had beautiful lips. Beautiful lips. Lauren said that while she was giving birth, the medical team were in emergency mode and they were blunt and direct.

22:37But afterwards, everybody was incredible. They were very, very sympathetic. at it. She still remembers one nurse in particular. Her name was Rebecca. She didn't leave me the whole time. She stayed with me. She ended up changing shifts with someone so she could stay with me. The local hospital was very small and Lauren says that every staff member, janitors, midwives, nurses and doctors, all lined the corridors as Journey Moon was taken away to be cremated and they all had white roses and they laid it on her as as she was strolled by strolled out by the um the corner and uh that was the that was it that was the last time we got to see her oh that one's gonna get me sorry take a moment i was doing pretty good you're doing really well