A Tantrum Is Just A Toddler Acting Their Age

0:06Dr Cathryn:Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr Cathryn, your host. After caring for thousands of children and raising four of my own, I've learned something that surprises many parents. A tantrum isn't really misbehavior. It's just a little kid acting their age. Unfortunately, when your child is lying on the grocery store screaming while everyone seems to be watching you, that's pretty easy to forget. But before we dive in, if you're raising a little kid or a preschooler looking for practical, effective parenting strategies that solve everyday challenges without chipping away at your child's dignity, I'd love to invite you to take a look at Toddler's Made Easy course.

0:48Dr Cathryn:Inside, I show you how to handle tantrums, bedtime battles, picky eating, and so much more while protecting the early years. You'll find the link in the show notes. Now let's talk about one of the biggest mistakes loving parents unintentionally make during a tantrum. It's an easy mistake to make because on the surface, it just feels right. But let me tell you about one of my own parenting moments that still makes me cringe before we get into the mistake. Many years ago, many, many years ago, I was on my weekend rounds at the hospital, and my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter came with me. My kids often tagged along when I was working, and she just loved coming to the hospital with me.

1:31Dr Cathryn:We walked into the room of an 18-month-old little girl named Danielle, who was sitting in her crib with the cutest pink stuffed giraffe with the biggest smile. The moment my daughter saw it, she wanted that giraffe. Of course, I told her she couldn't have it. Well, that was the beginning of one of the most memorable tantrums of my parenting career. She threw herself onto the floor of the pediatric ward and she screamed. The doctors and nurses stopped and looked. Families I knew watched the whole thing. And I remember thinking, oh, please let her jump up and say, only kidding. But she didn't. At the time, I was mortified.

2:08Dr Cathryn:I wasn't just embarrassed as a mom. I was embarrassed as a pediatrician. And I remember wondering if everyone was thinking, shouldn't she know how to handle this better? Looking back now, though, I see that moment completely differently. I don't see a spoiled little child. I see a three-year-old whose emotions completely overwhelmed her. She wasn't being manipulative. She wasn't giving me a hard time. She was having a hard time. And that one shift in perspective really changed everything for me. Now, I call this a big-hearted interpretation because it's choosing a kind and positive way to look at our kids' behavior.

2:47Dr Cathryn:And something powerful happens when we shift our thinking. We don't have to try to be calm. We actually are calm. So today I want to help you make that same shift, starting with what's actually happening inside your child's brain when a tantrum begins. The emotional part of the brain develops years before the part responsible for reasoning and planning and self-control. So when a little kid has big feelings, those emotions completely take over. A young child can't talk themselves down because the thinking part of their brain is still under construction. And that's by trying to reason with a child mid-tantrum.

3:25Dr Cathryn:It seldom works. We say things like, calm down. We've talked about this already. Use your words. And all of those phrases make perfect sense to us because our thinking brain is online, but your child's thinking brain is not yet there. As I said earlier, a tantrum isn't a behavioral problem. It's an overwhelmed child with an overwhelmed brain. Now, when we understand that, we stop asking, how do I stop this tantrum? And instead, you ask, how do I help my child through this? And that one question really changes everything. Parents often tell me a tantrum comes out of nowhere. Usually, though, when we look back, we can see what tipped the scales.

4:09Often it's something that seems completely insignificant to us. The wrong color cup, ice cream that's too cold. We've all smiled at stories like that, but to a little kid, those disappointments feel enormous. Transitions are another common trigger. Leaving the playground, turning off the iPad, getting into the car. When something enjoyable ends, it can feel like a genuine loss to a child. But honestly, the easiest tantrum to manage is the one that never happens. And one of my favorite prevention strategies is something I call PREP. The P stands for preview. Before you leave the house, tell your child exactly what's going to happen.

4:49You might say, we're going to the grocery store. We'll buy milk, bread, and fruit. You'll write in the cart. We're not buying toys today. Then we'll come home for lunch. And that takes less than a minute. But young kids will handle change so much better when there are fewer surprises. Now, the R stands for rehearse. When you arrive, remind your child of the plan. We're buying milk, bread, and fruit today. Remember, we're not buying toys today. And the E stands for engage. Ask your child to tell you the plan. What are we buying today? Children are much more likely to remember the expectations when they say them out loud themselves.

5:25And lastly, the final P stands for practice. So this is really for big events that take a lot of reinforcement. So for practice, you would pretend you're the little kid who doesn't want to leave the park or let your child play the parent. Switch roles. Act out what happens when somebody hears the word no. Children often learn more through five minutes of pretend play than they do from a long lecture. Now, a few other habits make a big difference too. Protecting sleep whenever you can, since a tired child has a much harder time managing frustration. Offer two acceptable choices instead of open-ended questions, so your child gets that sense of independence while you keep the boundary.

6:07And look for chances to let your child do things independently, even if it takes a little longer. Now, of course, you're not going to be able to do that all the time, but when you can, because little kids love feeling capable. And finally, after everyone is calm, teach the skill your child was missing when they had the tantrum. So let's say your child melts down because you handed them the purple cup instead of the blue cup they wanted. Well, later, once the tears are over, you might say, next time, can you tell mommy, mommy, may I have the blue cup, please? And that's how you teach the missing skill, and it's what prevents the next tantrum.

6:44Now, back to the mistake I promised to explain.

6:46Dr Cathryn:When we think of tantrums as misbehavior, we respond with frustration and anger. But when we understand a tantrum is a good kid having a hard time, we can bring calm to that situation. Now, I'm not saying children shouldn't have limits. They absolutely should. If your child is hitting or biting or kicking or throwing, it's our job to step in immediately and keep everyone safe. But a tantrum isn't a child scheming to get their way. It's a child whose emotions have become bigger than their ability to manage them. And when we mistake that for deliberate misbehavior, kids hear, you're trying to drive me crazy, or your feelings are wrong.

7:27Dr Cathryn:And you know what happens? Kids feel rejection right when they actually need connection. So what works instead is sharing your calm and offering support at the right moment. Your child learns that you can handle their big feelings, and you send the message, You can rely on me, sweetheart. I remember watching a dad at the airport after a flight delay had been announced. His four-year-old completely fell apart. I want to go on the airplane now, he screamed. And he cried, and he stomped his feet, and people all around turned to look. Does that sound familiar? I'm sure it does. The father didn't lecture.

8:06Dr Cathryn:He didn't bargain. He didn't threaten. He simply stayed close, and ever so often he quietly said, I know, buddy. Nothing more. He wasn't trying to stop the feelings or fix the feelings. He was just letting his son know he wasn't alone. And a few minutes later, the screaming turned into sobbing and a little bit of whining. And that's when you know the storm is beginning to pass. And that's when the father opened up his arms and his little boy walked right into them. So watching this reminded me how much timing matters. When kids are in that angry part of a tantrum, they're not ready to be comforted.

8:42Dr Cathryn:Even hug can feel like too much, but as those intense emotions begin to settle, they need connection. And that's when they're ready to crawl into your lap, and that's when they're ready for your hand on their back. Children borrow our calm until their brain catches up. That's our number one job during a tantrum. And here's something else I'd love you to remember. Success isn't measured by how quickly the tantrum ends, and it isn't having a child who never cries. Success is a child who knows they're loved, even when they have big, uncontrollable feelings. That's one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids.

9:21Dr Cathryn:So yes, discipline can be kind, loving, and still firm. Now, as we wrap up today, I want to leave you with one final thought. A tantrum is just a toddler acting their age. Use it as a mantra in the heat of the moment, and you'll find yourself responding differently because you'll see the good kid underneath the hard moment. If today's episode was helpful and it resonated with you, I think you'll really enjoy my Toddler's Made Easy course. Inside, I take everything we've talked about today, and I show you exactly how to put it into practice, from tantrums and bedtime to picky eating and sibling conflict and all of those everyday parenting challenges that can leave even the most loving parents second-guessing themselves.

10:08Dr Cathryn:My goal isn't simply to help you stop unwanted behaviors. My goal is to help you solve everyday parenting challenges without chipping away at your child's self-esteem so you can protect the early years while raising a child who feels secure, capable, and deeply connected to you. You'll find the link in the show notes. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.