Grandparent Start Kit

0:06Dr Cathryn:Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr Cathryn, your host. Today's episode is a little different because it's especially for grandparents. One thing I've heard over and over is this, I want to support my children and be the best grandparent I can be, but sometimes I don't understand today's parenting choices. And that's completely understandable. There are countless books, podcasts, and social media accounts that explain today's parenting to parents, but there really aren't many resources that explain those same ideas to grandparents. And that's why I created this episode. So if you think the grandparents might appreciate a review of some of today's parenting styles, please share this with them.

0:52Dr Cathryn:My goal is simply to help explain some of the parenting approaches grandparents will likely see with young families today, so they can better understand what many parents are trying to accomplish. My hope is simply that understanding the why will make it easier for everyone to support each other. So let's start with a story. A grandmom recently shared this with me. She said, I leaned in for a goodbye kiss and my granddaughter her Molly, she turned away. I smiled and I said, come on, sweetheart, give Nana a kiss. Everyone froze for a second. And then her mom said, that's okay, Molly, you can wave instead.

1:28Dr Cathryn:Now I have to admit my feelings were hurt. I kept wondering what just happened. If you've ever experienced something like that, let me explain the thinking behind it. Many parents today are teaching what's called body autonomy, and they teach it from a very young age. So instead of expecting children to hug or kiss relatives whether they want to or not, they're being taught that they're the boss of their bodies. It emphasizes that their body belongs only to them and helps them learn boundaries, which is something we all want. So for instance, a parent may say, would you like to give grandma a hug, a high five, or a wave?

2:08Dr Cathryn:Parents hope that when children learn they can say yes or no to everyday affection, they'll grow up understanding healthy boundaries and consent. Now for grandparents, let's admit it, it can feel deeply personal and hurtful, but it really isn't about rejecting anybody. It's about giving kids practice, making decisions about their own bodies, which is a good thing. Next, imagine you're having dinner with your grandkids and your grandson takes two bites of broccoli and quietly places the rest into a little bowl beside his plate, and then he just keeps eating. Well, you might be wondering, what's that bowl for?

2:46Dr Cathryn:It's called a no-thank-you bowl. It's really a great idea. So instead of asking children to finish everything on their plate, some families use this bowl for foods a child chooses not to eat. It's a great way to reduce mealtime pressure, and it allows kids to try something without feeling pressured and also an added benefit is it also reduces food being thrown on the floor. Now, I saw this firsthand one morning while my granddaughter was eating yogurt with berries. Some of the berries were sour, so she just quietly picked out the little ones and placed them in her no-thank-you bowl. You may also hear this phrase, parents decide what, when, and where food is served, and children decide whether to eat and how much.

3:28Dr Cathryn:Parents still choose the menu, but children decide how much their bodies need. No fuss, just simply solving the problem themselves. Another surprise for some grandparents is dessert. Rather than saying eat your vegetables and then you can have dessert, some families sometimes serve dessert with a meal. Now the goal here is to make sweets feel less like a reward and more like just another food. Let's talk about tantrums now. So picture this, your granddaughter wanted the blue cup and instead she was given the red one. And within seconds, she's crying, screaming, and lying on the floor. You brace yourself for a timeout, but instead, her mom kneels down and says, you really wanted that blue cup.

4:12Dr Cathryn:I get it. You're disappointed. Well, many parents today see tantrums differently than we did years ago. Rather than viewing them as manipulation, they're seeing them as a sign that a young child's nervous system has become overwhelmed. We understand this now as a result of brain science. It's an increased understanding of how a child's brain develops. Now that doesn't mean kids get whatever they want, because you'll also hear parents say, all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are okay. So a child is allowed to feel angry, but they're not allowed to hit, bite, or throw things. A parent's job is to stay calm during a tantrum and help the child through those overwhelming emotions and teach better coping skills once the tantrum is over.

4:59It sounds like it makes good common sense. Many parents are also discovering that it's possible to overdo the emotional validation part, the part where you say something about the feelings like, you're really disappointed, you didn't get the blue cup. But the goal is really to acknowledge the feelings without letting them run the show. And that's where boundaries come in. And parents are learning that they can be both empathetic and hold boundaries at the same time. Now, potty training, it looks really different these days too. Maybe you've offered to take your grandchild to the park only to discover that now there's a portable potty that comes along and everyone wants to know where the nearest washroom is.

5:42Potty training today, it just looks different. Many parents encourage kids to notice the feeling that tells them it's time to pee or poop. Some families even spend a day or two with their child going bare bottom, so these body signals are easier to recognize. Others stop using diapers during the day once potty training begins, accepting that there'll be some accidents and it's a normal part of learning. You may also notice that praise sounds different. Instead of someone saying, good job, you might hear, oh, you noticed your body was telling you it's time to pee and you made it to the potty. Nice.

6:19Or how did that feel? The goal is to help children recognize and trust their own body signals. Some parents also avoid saying, wow, you peed in the potty. You're such a big boy or big girl now. You see, young kids have mixed feelings about growing up. And so telling them to be a big girl or a big boy just adds more pressure, and so the phrase is avoided. But that takes me to another point. Even how we praise kids is different today. Imagine your grandchild proudly brings you a drawing. Instead of saying, wow, you're such a great artist, the focus now is on the process, not the end result. So you'll hear, you worked really hard on that drawing, or I noticed how carefully you chose those colors.

7:07Research shows that kids have more grit when we notice their effort, persistence, and problem solving instead of giving them a label like a great artist or a great athlete. It's a small shifted language, but it's one you'll probably hear often.

7:23Dr Cathryn:Now, I have one final thought I want to share with you, and it's not about new trends. It's about the importance of grandparents because I think we all could use a pat on the back. Research shows that grandparents are resilience builders. Close grandparent relationships reduce childhood depression and anxiety rates by up to 20%. Grandparents are so much more than babysitters. So if you enjoyed today's episode and you'd like to better understand toddlers, whether you're a parent, a grandparent, or another important adult in a young child's life, I'd love to invite you to join my Toddlers Made Easy course.

8:03Dr Cathryn:Inside, I'll help you understand why toddlers behave the way they do and give you practical evidence-based tools for handling tantrums, cooperation, mealtimes, potty training, and so much more. You can find all the details in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.

8:27Thank you.