Help, My Kid Won't Poop on the Potty! (Here's Why — and What to Do)

0:04You asked your little one to poop on the potty. He pees on the potty so you don't really get why he won't poop on it. He politely says, no thank you potty. And then he goes and hides behind the couch, poops in the diaper and comes back as if nothing's happened. And now you're negotiating every single day. If this is your life right now, this episode is for you. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, your host. Here's the first thing. This dynamic is not a sign that you've done something wrong. It's not a sign that your child wasn't ready to start potty training. And this is one of the most common hiccups in potty training, and it's absolutely something you can get through.

0:53It's one form of potty refusal. And you know, about 20 to 25 % of little kids go through some form of potty refusal during potty training. So if it feels like you're failing, truly you're not. You're just in a really common, really exhausting chapter. And today we're going to help you reverse it. First, understand what's actually happening. Realistically, your child is not going to walk up to you one day and say, hey mom, I think I'm ready to poop on the potty now. That's not how it works. They need you to take that first step. They need you to lead. And the most important thing to understand, wanting to poop in a diaper is really just a symptom.

1:39It's not the root of the problem. And our job, before really you can do anything else, is to try and figure out why that's their priority. So why do kids resist using the potty or toilet to poop in? Well, almost always it comes down to one of three things. Fear, anxiety, or discomfort. Sometimes it's the sound of the flush. It's loud, it's startling, and some kids are genuinely scared of it. Sometimes it's just a bad memory. Maybe they had a painful poop on the toilet once and their body hasn't forgotten. And sometimes it's that the toilet just feels unstable. The seat is big, the child is small, and they don't feel secure.

2:24Sometimes it's even simpler than that. They just want some privacy. They've always pooped in a corner somewhere, and the bathroom feels too exposed. And sometimes, actually more often than you think, the fear is about discomfort. They've passed a hard bowel movement that hurt. And if it happened once, your child's nervous system has filed it away that pooping means pain and diapers are safe. Now, it's seldom willfulness or stubbornness. It's more often some form of fear, fear of discomfort, fear of the flesh, some form of fear. So talk to your child gently, ask some questions. See if you can tease out what's driving it for them specifically.

3:10because the answers help shape what we do next. However, honestly, most kids aren't going to be able to recognize what they're afraid of. They're just feeling it. So let's talk about how to manage fears in general and what not to do. So what doesn't work is trying to use logic to reverse your child's thoughts and feelings. The toilet won't hurt you. There's nothing to be scared of. You're a big kid now. none of those are going to help your child move forward. I get it. It feels helpful, but you can't logic a little kid out of fear. And when we minimize what they're feeling, they don't feel reassured.

3:54They just feel alone. So instead, start here. Say, I understand you're uncomfortable with pooping on the toilet. You like pooping in your diaper. That feels comfortable and safe to you. I understand, sweetheart. And that's it. That's the whole move. You're not agreeing that the toilet is scary. You're agreeing that their feelings are real, and that puts you on the same team.

4:19Dr Cathryn:Now, from there, you can start doing the work. Share stories about your own fears, things you were scared of and got through. Tell your child, we all have fears, and learning to overcome them, that's what makes us strong and brave. Little kids need to hear that. Also, name the feeling to tame it. You're feeling nervous about this. There's actually real solid research behind that phrase about naming the feeling to tame it because naming an emotion helps kids regulate it. Pretend play helps too. Let the stuffed animal use the potty. That's how you help desensitize the whole experience in a way that feels safe.

5:04Dr Cathryn:Now, let's make the potty less scary. That's the first step. Before you ask your child to do anything on it, make the potty or the toilet a place your child actually appreciates. I call this making friends with the potty or toilet. Now, if you're using a toilet, you need two things, an insert so the seat fits their body, and a stool so their feet are flat and supported. Kids can't relax when their legs are dangling. Now, if you're using a little potty, let them decorate it. Stickers, make it theirs. Get stickers for something that they love. Put together a potty toy box of special toys that only come out during potty time with little books, little figures, something they love in it.

5:50Dr Cathryn:And that box helps create a reason to sit. Now, if the flush is the issue, don't force it. Start with your child standing at the door, and then you flush. Then the next day, ask them to take one step closer, and then you flush. And bit by bit, you're teaching your child's nervous system that the flush is survivable. They can do it. And here's something I love. Set up both a little potty and the toilet, and let your child choose. Before asking them to go use the potty, it would be potty or toilet. Giving them that choice hands back some control, and control matters so much at this age and with this problem.

6:33Dr Cathryn:Next comes getting kids to actually sit on the toilet. Many parents ask me, I don't get it. My child sits on the potty to pee. Why won't he poop on it? But if you've ever noticed, most kids who are sitting on the potty to pee, they sit, pee, pop up. It's over in a minute or two at most, but pooping takes longer. So we need to build up your child's comfort level just sitting on the potty for a longer time. Just think of the potty as a chair. Sit with them, read a book, make it low pressure. They can be completely dressed. What we're not doing is waiting for them to poop or use it as a potty. You're just practicing sitting as step one.

7:16Dr Cathryn:They can even start with all their clothes on. Now, while you're doing this, this period of getting them to be comfortable just sitting on the potty, I'd also simultaneously work on softening their stools. This is really a big part of solving this problem, and it's more important than you probably think. You see, a softer stool is easier to pass, and easier to pass means less fear, and less fear means less resistance. So focus on a high-fiber diet and lots of water. Consider the pea foods as your best friend. Pears, peaches, plums, prunes. In fact, just prune juice alone works really well if you give your child some every morning until their stools are soft.

8:02Dr Cathryn:You can also crush up some bran into their favorite cereal and top the cereal with some blueberries and give them a glass of water, those will work together nicely. These are small changes that make a big difference. One more thing for the bathroom is keep some blowing toys in there. So a potty blower, a pinwheel. When kids blow, they relax the pelvic floor muscles, and those are the muscles they need to relax to release poop. It sounds really silly, but it works. Actually, once my son-in-law was trying to get his daughter to poop on the potty, and they didn't have any toys nearby, and I had told him about blowing, and so he had his daughter try and blow her mother's hair, and it worked.

8:50Dr Cathryn:Now, the next step is to move your kids towards pooping in the potty in tiny steps. Some kids, once the fear is lower and the sitting on the potty feels more comfortable, they'll just poop on the potty. And you'll quietly jump up and down, and it's important to keep your response positive but low-key, like a simple high-five, good job, so your child doesn't feel super pressured. But other kids need a little more encouragement, and for those kids, I want you to think of baby steps. Each day, one small step brings them closer to the potty. I love the story of a family I worked with, and their son was obsessed with this one truck he had.

9:32Dr Cathryn:So they created a game, and they asked their child to poop where the truck is. So he'd be in his diaper, and they started the truck where he tends to poop every day, which was by the couch. And then day by day, they moved the truck closer and closer to the potty. So day one, the truck was in his usual corner. Day two, it was a little closer to the bathroom, and each day they moved it. Ten days later, the truck was sitting in the potty, and he walked over, they took the truck out, he sat down, and he went and pooped there. Now you know your child, and you know what they love. Let's use what they love as part of this game.

10:14Dr Cathryn:To make it simple, you can also do the exact same thing with sticky notes on the floor. I had one family that wrote a little riddle. Their child was really into riddles, so every day they They wrote a sticky note with the riddle, and they moved it one step closer and closer and closer to the potty until he was right by the potty. Making this movement towards the potty a game, it helps take the pressure off, which makes the transition possible. But let's say you do all of this and your child still refused. Well, that's a whole other episode, and I am going to record one because sometimes there's more going on and you need a different set of tools.

10:54Dr Cathryn:So stay tuned for that one if you're in that situation. But for most families, the approach I've just walked you through, it takes patience, it takes time, it takes keeping things low pressure, and it takes trusting your child that you will get there. And your child will get there. Now, if you want to go deeper on this, I do have a little mini course that covers all of this and more. And the link is in the show notes. It's called Help, My Child Will Only Poop in a Diaper. So go check it out if this resonates with you. And if this episode helped you, share it with another parent who's hiding in their bathroom wondering what they did wrong.

11:34Because now they'll know they've done nothing wrong whatsoever. So keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.

11:54Thank you.