How You Might Be Making Toddler Hitting Worse (Without Realizing It)

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0:51Dr Cathryn:You're at your limit. Your two-year-old just hit her baby sister again, and your instincts kick in. That's not nice. Go to your room right now. Say you're sorry. You're hoping it'll land, that the hitting will stop, but before you know it, your little one hits again. Now, you're not trying to make it worse. You're doing what you hope will teach your little one right from wrong. But here's the thing. Many of those most common parenting responses, the big reactions, the yelling, the punishing, even go say sorry, don't actually teach better behavior. In fact, they often lead to more hitting, biting, or pushing.

1:36Dr Cathryn:And that's what we're going to talk about today. Why our well-meaning reactions might accidentally fuel more of the behavior we're trying to stop. And we'll also talk about what to do instead. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, the bite-sized, no-fluff parenting podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Catherine. So why do toddlers hit, push, or bite? Well, they don't hit because they're bad or manipulative. They hit or other aggressive behaviors because their feelings are too big for their little bodies. Their words can't keep up with their frustration. They're still learning impulse control. They don't know what else to do when they feel overwhelmed.

2:21Dr Cathryn:And sometimes they just want to connect with you, but they don't yet have the skills. So while hitting and biting and pushing looks like misbehavior, it's really a signal. I'm overwhelmed. I need help. Let's look at a real-life example. Your three-year-old hits his older brother because he won't let him help build a tower. You react quickly. That's it. Time out. He yells no. You yell louder. Go to your room. Now you're locked in a power struggle. And five minutes later, after the time out, bam, he hits the baby. So what's really going on here? Well, the problem is the big reaction. When we respond with yelling or threats or isolation, we might stop the behavior for now, but we also run the risk of turning the moment into something a child repeats because of the big reaction it gets.

3:19Dr Cathryn:Here's the thing. Toddlers crave attention, and even negative attention like yelling or timeouts can keep challenging behavior going. But here's some really good news. The same craving for attention can become a powerful tool for change when we use it with purpose. And let me explain what I'm talking about. Let's say you want to stop the hitting, biting, and pushing. Of course you're going to want to. Well, start off by catching the good. Notice the kindness. Point out the helpful moments. Celebrate those tiny wins. Try saying something like, oh wow, you shared your blocks. That was so nice of you.

3:59Dr Cathryn:or you gave your brother a hug. That was really sweet. You know what happens next? Your child is more likely to repeat those behaviors because it felt good to be seen and to be appreciated. And that one shift creates a ripple effect that can change the tone of your whole day. Now, if you're nodding along, this is just a taste of the deeper strategies I teach in my course, Toddlers Made Easy, for parents of kids age one to six years. What is big-hearted parenting? Well, big-hearted parenting isn't about controlling your toddler. It's about controlling yourself. That's the best news, because you control you.

4:40Dr Cathryn:It means staying grounded even when your toddler is spiraling, responding with curiosity instead of reactivity, and holding firm boundaries without shame or blame, but with kindness. And sometimes the best way to stay grounded is with what I call a big-hearted interpretation. So let's say your toddler screaming on the floor because you gave them the purple cup they just asked for. Well, without a big-hearted interpretation, it can feel frustrating. But with a big-hearted interpretation, you pause and you remind yourself, his brain is still immature. Maybe he thought he asked for the pink cup. Maybe he didn't realize how he'd feel once he got it.

5:25Dr Cathryn:You see, a big-hearted interpretation helps you stay calm because it shifts your mindset from, this is ridiculous, to my child is overwhelmed and doing the best they can. It becomes so much easier to stay calm with this mind shift and it's genuine, you're not faking it. So what can you do instead of losing it? Well, next time your toddler hits or bites, pause, I call this a power pause where you create a space between your child's behavior and your reaction to it. And this space gives your nervous system a chance to calm down. Because you're human too. So do whatever it takes during this pause to stay calm.

6:10Dr Cathryn:Now again, I'm assuming there's no safety issues when I tell you to take a power pause because if there is something you need to get to right away, of course get to it. But after you've taken your pause and let your nervous system calm down, gently remove your child and say, I'm going to move you over here to keep everyone safe. Set the boundary clearly but kindly. It's okay to feel mad, but it's not okay to hit. Hitting hurts. Next time you feel mad, try stomping your feet or asking for help. Then I would sit nearby your child if you can and offer them your calm. Your presence is really powerful.

6:50Dr Cathryn:Later though, not in the heat of the moment, circle back and teach your child the skills that you think are missing that led to them hitting or biting or pushing or whatever form of aggressive behavior they demonstrated. So that might be teaching your child deep breathing, teaching your child drawing angry feelings, teaching your child to ask for a hug or for some space. Remember, you're not just managing the moment. You're raising a human who will someday manage their own emotions, and that starts with you. Now, if you've been nodding your head along and thinking, yeah, this is how I want a parent, I just need a little bit more support with something very special is coming your way.

7:32Dr Cathryn:And it's for parents who want to reduce power struggles, raise kids who feel good on the inside and are little superstars on the outside, and handle the hardest toddler moments with more calm and confidence. So keep listening. I'll be sharing more details very soon. I'm putting all the final touches on it right now. Thank you for tuning in to Toddlers Made Easy. until next time remember you've got this and i've got you have a great week

8:25Thank you.

8:56Thank you.