Making School Goodbyes Easier

0:06Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn, a pediatrician with more than 40 years of experience and your host. Today we're talking about those first days of school. If you're wondering how your child is going to handle drop-off or you're worried they'll cry every single morning, well, you're certainly not alone. One of the hardest school drop-offs I ever experienced wasn't with one of my patients. It was with my own daughter.

0:33Dr Cathryn:Every morning, my youngest would wrap herself around my leg and refuse to let go. She cried and she cried and she cried. I felt awful. I felt guilty. And even though I was a pediatrician and understood child development, none of these made saying goodbye any easier. And then one day, I asked my youngest a single question. Her answer completely changed our mornings. Now, I'm going to share that question with you in a few minutes. It's a question you can ask whenever your child is struggling, whether it's school or bedtime, getting dressed, picky eating, or really almost any challenge. But first, let's talk about what's actually happening during those first days of school and how to make them easier.

1:18Dr Cathryn:Starting school is a huge transition. Imagine being dropped into a place you've never been before. There's new adults, new children, new rules, new routines. You're expected to separate from the person who helps you feel safest in the world. And when we look at it that way, it makes perfect sense that children have big feelings. They might feel excited. They might feel nervous. They may feel curious. And all of those feelings are completely normal. one of the easiest ways to support your child actually begins before school even starts. You see, the less rushed your mornings feel, the more emotional energy everyone has for the important part, which is saying goodbye.

2:02Dr Cathryn:One thing that worked beautifully in our family was choosing clothes the night before. Rather than opening a closet full of possibilities in the morning, which was already rushed and stressful, I'd choose two outfits that worked and let my child pick one. Sometimes I'd put them into a clear plastic bag so they could see their choices easily and instead of having to decide on a shirt and a pant and socks and everything else, they had only one decision to make. Each of the options I was happy with so it didn't matter what they chose. It sounds simple but reducing little decisions often prevents battles.

2:40Dr Cathryn:And the same thing goes for lunches. If you can, prepare lunches the night before. Even better, invite your child to help. Children love feeling capable. Helping pack a lunch gives a child a sense of ownership over their school day before it even begins. Also, a few days before school starts, begin walking your child through exactly what they can expect. Talk about the drive to school, meeting the teacher, putting their backpack away, playing, snack time, story time, recess, lunch, and then remind them, I'm going to come back and pick you up and then we'll go home. Children feel safer when they know what's coming.

3:19Dr Cathryn:It's also helpful to prepare them for their feelings. You might say, you might feel excited, you might feel nervous, you might even feel like crying, and every one of those feelings, sweetheart, are just fine. Another thing to consider is sleep. It's another piece that often gets overlooked. Now, if bedtime has drifted later during the summer, try moving it earlier, a few days, even a week before school begins. I'd also encourage waking your child a little earlier than absolutely necessary so you don't need to rush. Rushing increases everyone's stress. A calm morning gives you space for breakfast and connection and hugs and a peaceful goodbye.

4:01Dr Cathryn:Now let's talk about one of the biggest worries parents have. How do I avoid goodbye tears? Well, goodbye tears aren't completely avoidable. One of the kindest things you can say is, it's okay to cry. I'm going to miss you too, sweetheart, because we love each other so, so much. Or you could say, I know you wish I could stay. I'll be back right after school. and then gently help your child picture what comes next. What toy do you think you'll play with first? Who do you think you might sit beside today? You see, you're helping their brain move beyond the goodbye and toward the rest of the day.

4:37Dr Cathryn:There are also a few things I'd avoid. I'd avoid saying, please don't cry, or you're fine, or be a big girl, or be a big boy. Many children hear those words and think, if crying is for babies, that maybe I should be a baby because I really need to cry. Instead, let your child know their feelings are welcome, all feelings. Feelings aren't the problem. And one more thing, please don't sneak away. I know it can be tempting. Parents sometimes tell me, well, I slipped out while my child was distracted because I thought it would be easier for everyone. And it makes sense. It might make that one goodbye shorter, but it often makes tomorrow's goodbye harder.

5:22Dr Cathryn:Predictable goodbyes build trust, even when they're tearful. Now, remember my daughter? After months, and really months of difficult mornings, I stopped just trying to solve the crying, and instead I got curious, and I asked her, hey sweetheart, what would make saying goodbye easier? She thought about it for a moment and said, I want Marissa to walk me to my class. Honestly, that was it. From that morning on, her big sister walked beside her and drop-offs became easy. That experience has stayed with me for years because it reminded me of something I think about almost every day. Children are remarkable problem solvers if we give them a chance.

6:06Sometimes they already know what they need. We just have to ask. And there's one more little ritual I want to share that can help kids feel connected after you've said goodbye. I use this strategy with my granddaughter when she has sleepovers and then misses her mom and dad. I call it flying kisses. Before you leave, blow your child a kiss and say, remember, if you miss me today, blow me a kiss. I'm going to catch it wherever I and I'll send one right back to you. Of course, they can't actually see your kiss coming back, but that's not really the point. The ritual reminds kids that love and connection don't disappear just because you're apart.

6:46And sometimes that tiny reminder is enough to help a child through a difficult moment. It certainly has helped me with my grandchild when she's feeling a little lonely. Another simple way to help your child feel connected during the school day is to tuck a little note into their lunchbox. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, a little heart, a smiley face. I love you, I'm thinking about you. Those little reminders tell your child,

7:12Dr Cathryn:even though we're apart, you're still on my mind. Here's something that has helped many kids as well. Walking into a classroom beside a familiar friend often feels much less overwhelming than walking in alone. And sometimes it's those small little changes that really make the biggest difference. Now let's fast forward to the end of the school day. Many parents are waiting, excited with the one big question. So sweetheart, how did your day go? And your child just ignores the question. Well, if that sounds familiar, don't worry. Most young kids aren't ready to talk the minute they leave school. Think about it, everything they've done that day.

7:51Dr Cathryn:They've been listening, following directions, waiting their turn, managing new friendships, learning new routines, trying really hard to do the right thing. And by the time they get home, they're tired. And for many kids, home is where all those feelings finally come pouring out. That's why after-school meltdowns are so common. Your child is showing you that home feels safe. They've been holding it together all day long, and now they're letting go. You may be surprised by how much more they share later in the evening when they're not feeling so overwhelmed. At bedtime, spend a few minutes talking about the day.

8:27Dr Cathryn:You could ask questions like, what was the best part of the day? What was something that felt tricky? Now, before we finish, I just want to come back to that question again that changed everything for my daughter when I asked what would make drop-offs easier. It's such a simple question. Kids are great problem solvers when we remember to ask them. I never would have guessed that my daughter wanted her older sister to walk her to her class. Now, if today's episode gave you a few new ideas for making the first days of school easier, I think you'll enjoy what's inside the Toddlers Made Easy course.

9:02Dr Cathryn:In this course, I show you how to handle everyday challenges like tantrums and hitting and biting and bedtime and listening and sibling conflicts and so much more in ways that bring out the best in your child. I call this approach Big Hearted Parenting because, yes, we want difficult behaviors to stop. But we also want our children to feel safe, to build confidence, and to strengthen our relationship along the way. And that's what Big Hearted Parenting is all about. You'll find the link in the show notes. Thanks for spending this time with me today. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.

9:46Thank you.