(REPLAY) Why Toddlers Misbehave: Your Toddler Isn’t Bad — Their Brain Is Developing

0:11Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.

0:13Dr Cathryn:I'm Dr Cathryn bringing you practical, no-fluff parenting advice that helps toddlers thrive and parents survive. Let's jump right in. First of all, thank you all for your kind words and your DMs about my husband's recent health concerns and the dramatic impact it's had on my family. As a quick update, Henry, my husband, is doing great and he's even getting antsy to get back to work. I think the real toll at this point is the emotional impact on the rest of us. However, it's helped me focus on what's really important on life. And one of those things is this podcast. I'm devoted to helping you find calm and confidence in your parenting.

0:58And I also want to help you raise emotionally strong children as they're our future. Now, you've probably heard me say it before. Being a toddler is tough.

1:10Dr Cathryn:And being a parent of a toddler, also tough. I remember when my kids were little and my youngest just wouldn't stay in her bed at night. She'd dash out of her room 15 times before finally settling down. At first, I thought she was just trying to drive me crazy. But when I took a step back and I saw things from her perspective, it all clicked. And that's when I finally found a solution. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about today. Let's start with why being a toddler is so tough? Well, first of all, toddlers aren't mini adults. I know I've said that lots of times, but they're little humans and they're still figuring out how the world works.

1:52Dr Cathryn:Their brains are immature, which means they don't think like us. They don't talk like us. They don't even act like us. In fact, toddlers can only hold one thought or one feeling at a time. And that's why their mood swings so fast. One moment they're thrilled, next moment they're furious. Tallers don't pause to think before they act, and that's why hitting and biting and kicking happen. And another thing is they tell it like it is. They're also very concrete thinkers. They don't see the big picture, so logic doesn't always land. If they're focused on something like building a tower, they may genuinely not hear you call them to dinner.

2:33It's not ignoring you. It's just how their brain works. And impulse control? Still under construction. They can't always do what they want to do, and they can't always stop themselves from doing what they shouldn't do. A lot of these normal toddler behaviors, behaviors that come from immaturity, end up getting labeled as misbehavior or acting out. But here's the thing. When we punish toddlers for things that are actually out of a toddler's control, we end up frustrated and they end up feeling misunderstood. On top of all of that, toddlers are passionate. They feel everything so intensely, but they don't yet have the words or the tools to manage those feelings.

3:21No, they need time, support, and space to figure out who they are before they develop the focus and the patience and the self-control that comes with age. And another big thing, you can't rush brain development. Instead of expecting toddlers to be self-controlled and considerate and logical before they're ready, let's focus on how we can support them while they grow.

3:48Dr Cathryn:Let's make sure we're teaching little kiddos in ways that actually match how their brains work. I call this developmentally smart discipline. So in today's podcast, we're going to look at ways to keep toddlers out of trouble until maturity kicks in. In other words, developmentally smart discipline. Now, the first aspect about this is providing supervision. Now, supervision is about guidance, not punishment. It means creating order, ensuring safety, and providing direction while toddlers grow and mature. It's about setting toddlers up for success as their brains catch up. For example, let's consider a child who is hitting her sib and friends when she's frustrated.

4:37Dr Cathryn:Emma, who is a patient from my office, is a really spirited two-and-a-half-year-old, and she's been hitting her older brother whenever she gets worked up. At first, her parents kept telling her, no hitting. And then they would give her a timeout, but it really wasn't helping. And in fact, she was hitting more than ever. And then they just changed how they were supervising her. So instead of waiting for Emma to hit, watching to see if she was going to, they stayed close to her during playtime and they stepped in early when they noticed frustration building. They showed her what to do instead. You're feeling mad.

5:13Dr Cathryn:Well, you can say, move over, please, or you can say, can I have a turn? Or you can stomp your feet to get the angry feelings out. With time and maturity, Emma started using words instead of hands. So if you're struggling with challenging moments, ask yourself, how can I adjust how I'm supervising my child to prevent this from happening again? For example, another one. If your toddler keeps dumping out the dog's water bowl, instead of just saying no over and over and over, you could move the bowl to a less accessible spot. Or you could involve your child in caring for the dog. You could make them, let's say, the water monitor.

5:57Dr Cathryn:So when the bowl gets low, they let you know and you refill it together. You see what you've done here is you've turned their curiosity into a helpful responsibility. The next effective strategy or smart discipline or developmentally smart discipline is prepping kids. When kids know what's coming next and what's expected of them, daily life tends to feel easier and calmer. Prepping kids means telling them what to expect, how they might feel, and what to do in the moment. For example, before heading to the park, you might say, We're going to go to the park so you can play with your friends. You'll have time to play, and then it'll be time to go home for lunch.

6:39Dr Cathryn:Now, before we leave, I'm going to just give you a little heads up and let you choose one last thing to do, like going down the slide or going on the swing. It might feel hard to leave. If you feel sad, you can take some magic breaths, or you can hold my hand. I'm here to help. You see, this way, toddlers know what's coming. They have a strategy for handling their feelings, and they have something to look forward to as well. The next strategy that is developmentally smart is to model the behavior you want to see. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say. When they see us handling situations with patience and kindness and respect, they naturally soak up these values.

7:21Dr Cathryn:For example, my husband is one of the kindest, most considered people I know, just like my kids are. We never had to give them lectures on kindness. They picked it up simply by watching how we treat each other and those around us. The next developmentally smart strategy is to notice and highlight the good things your kids are doing. One of the most powerful ways to encourage positive behavior is to call it out when you see it. When kids feel seen for their efforts, big or small, they're more likely to repeat them. So, for example, if your child starts brushing their teeth without being asked, you might say, wow, you remember that all on your own?

8:03That shows so much responsibility. Or let's say they share a toy, you could say, oh, that was so thoughtful.

8:10Dr Cathryn:Look how happy your brother is. Kids really thrive on positive attention. And when you focus on what they're doing well, you're not just shaping their behavior, you're shaping their inner voice. And here's the best part. This isn't just about childhood. When we get in the habit of noticing the good in our kids, it strengthens our connection with them. It builds their self-worth and it makes parenting easier. So today, take a moment to catch your child doing something great and say it out loud. You might be surprised at the ripple effect it creates. Now, I began this episode by saying that being a toddler is tough.

8:52So let's stop being so tough on toddlers and ourself. Now let's just go over a few of the key actionable steps you can implement right away to solve current challenges and prevent future ones. So instead of expecting your kids to have self-control, we need to manage situations in a developmentally friendly way. Rather than punishing or lecturing your child about a problem, ask yourself, how can I supervise my child in a way that prevents whatever the problem is from happening? Helping toddlers know what to expect, so prepping them, helps them to know what they might feel, what's going to happen, and it gives them the tools to manage those feelings.

9:37And again, it makes life easier for everyone. So before leaving the house, you might say, we're going to the store. You might feel frustrated if we don't buy a toy that you see there. If that happens, you can hold my hand. You can take a deep breath. You can put it on the wish list. After the store, we're going to go home and you can play when we get home. Lastly, toddlers soak up everything and they learn more from what we do than what we say. So when they see us handling frustration with patients, speaking kindly to others, or apologizing when we make mistakes, they absorb those values without a single lecture.

10:16So remember, you're doing a great job. Parenting toddlers is hard work, and every time you show up with calm and understanding, even when it's a messy toddler moment, you're making a difference. You should feel proud of yourself. Now, if a big-hearted approach resonates with you and you'd like more support, take a look at our courses, Toddler Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. You'll find the links to them in the show notes. Thank you for listening today. Have a great week and keep up the good job. I believe in your ability to be the parent you want to be.

11:01Thank you.