246: Thankful It's Not Me?

30:45Yeah. But no, I feel like there are some people that can handle stuff like this. I think like criticism in regards to like your work is different than like personal attacks on you. Yeah. And these were all very personal attacks. They're like very demeaning of her character, like calling someone manipulative. Like that doesn't feel good where it's like you apologize too much. That's manipulative. Well, so do most women. like this sort of just like a learned behavior it's kind of hammered in yeah well also like I think it is yeah yeah it is very hammered in I'm like the things I apologize for someone will bump into me and I'm like sorry all the time a lot of it is like Midwest Minnesota nice too where it's like oh sorry like yeah like you just spit it out even things like I know I'm not wrong to ask for or like I had a team call the other day with like a group that I'm doing a project with and one of the ideas that a creative agency person involved brought forward like I didn't really resonate with they're like let us know you know all of these are flexible if you don't love any that's cool just like let us know and I'm like keep it in keep it in it's fine it's not not yours like keep it in I'm like yeah I don't like that one I'm like I'm so sorry but it's like that wasn't even a thing I needed to apologize for they're asking you for that in that situation I know it's like why do we do that yeah like why and so I understand being a people pleaser and apologizing and that's okay yeah I also if this were me I would go home that night and to my partner, I'd be like, do you actually like me?

32:29Like this makes me feel like there are so many things about me that you don't like. And, you know, some of that, you know, maybe crying every time plans change is something that I would benefit from talking to a therapist about and working on or blah, blah, blah. But most of these things are like actually just innate personality things that aren't even due to trauma or whatever else. They're just how I like talking about work because I like my job or, you know, whatever else it is, apologizing. That's just how I am. And if you don't like that, you shouldn't be with me. And like I said, when I'm asking my friends about things that are annoying about me, there are things that they could say where it would be like, oh, well, that is just the way that I am.

33:11And if you don't like that or like you can't get past that, then we're probably just not meant to be friends. But I don't know. I would just not think that this person actually appreciates me and likes me. No, because if they're saying this to your face, what is getting said behind your back? And so happy when his friends are like going after her. And this all started because apparently this friend group has a rule where if someone complains about their partner, that partner is fair game for group feedback. So if I'm understanding their rules correctly, he's gone to the group and complained about her.

33:52Yeah. Which that's fine. Like you can vent to your friends about your boyfriend and partner, but it's not open season then on your partner. Right. Because the partner isn't the one who did anything. They're not asking for this. Just because he complained about her, it's like, oh, now we get to talk to her however we want. Nope. It's like, aren't you forgetting to ask one person? Nope. Yeah. Assholes. Diabolical. Yeah. asshole and I would do what the top comment says which is this give him some radical honest feedback he is a shit partner and he is single yay break up let's do it break up you're probably you're probably listening to what takes up right to what takes up please find someone who likes those things about you like oh my god there are people who will think it's endearing there are people who will think like that you're just a really thoughtful person that you really enjoy your job there are people who will see that as a positive so it's actually not just honesty it's your interpretation it's your subjective interpretation of her actions I know and like you just look at all of the feedback they gave her I mean getting told you're manipulative controlling your crybaby you're also boring it's just like uh it's just so toxic they called her boring oh when she talks Yeah.

35:16I'm reading between the lines here. I'm inferring some things. But there is a comment here that says, I grew up in a toxic family with three bully brothers. It was a game called Make Her Cry. And your boyfriend group calls it Brutal Honesty. Yeah. If you want to see all hell break loose, try Brutal Honesty on them. Because 100%, those who dish it out can't take it. Mm-hmm. No, it's interesting that the rule is it becomes open season on everyone's partners, but it's not about any of the people in this friend group who get to have open season on them. Well, and when you're so taken aback in the moment, my brain never would have been able to come up with anything to fire back.

35:55Yeah. And you also shouldn't have to be on the defensive and firing back at these people. Like they're not the one dating you. You don't even have to be my friend. You're my boyfriend's friends. So if you don't like me, that's okay. But my partner should like me. My partner should have my back. And so if he doesn't, especially in front of other people, you don't have a partner. I think that's some of the best advice I've seen going around online right now is like always a united front in public. And then like you can deal with that shit when you get home. Like if you disagree, you get home and you talk about it there.

36:31And that's for relationships. That's for parents and their kids. If your kid gets in trouble at school, you go in and you have their back and you defend them yeah but then when you get your kid home you're like hey that wasn't cool like totally I mean everything there's like a change I mean unless the child is being terrible yeah there there's like a chance that there are times that she's apologized and it has been manipulative that is like a thing that people can do but again And yes, when you get home, you can say, to be honest, there was one conversation we had and this is the feeling I got from it.

37:10But like this is an open discussion and we can talk about what your actual intentions behind that were. And if you really just were feeling bad or trying to like get the peace early. But yeah, in public, in front of everybody. And like he's the one causing it. So obviously he's not going to be the one defending her. No. So, okay. I really hope we get an update on that one. There's nothing to tell you guys about right now. Nine hours old. No comments, no updates. So if you're out there OP, let us know. Please leave him. Please. Pretty please. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth and for you to break up.

37:52Oh my God. Okay, moving on to this next one. Okay, number three here. coming from r slash am I overreacting nine days old titled am I overreacting by being hurt when my husband looked at me with disgust when he was coming out of anesthesia oh my god I know yesterday my husband had a minor outpatient surgery it wasn't anything life-threatening or super serious anyways before his surgery we joked about seeing videos of husbands coming out of surgery and being so doe-eyed and loving when they see their wives. He wanted me to record him and his reaction when he woke up. As he woke up, I got my phone out and started recording.

38:36He looked at me, and he couldn't remember me at first. He asked who I was, and when I replied that I'm his wife, his lip curled, and he had a look of utter disgust on his face. He even said, ugh. I stopped recording and just sat in silence while he went in and out for a while. I got him home and comfortable. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. Is that what he really feels? Is he disgusted with me? Is he showing his true feelings? Now I'm questioning our whole relationship. Did he settle for me? I am so hurt at this thought. he asked to see the video today and I lied and said I forgot to record it oh my god so he doesn't even know that he did that I think you show him the video I I keep like wanting to say he was under anesthesia that wasn't him like that but I also it would be so impossible in this situation to not have feelings about that happening yeah like you can rationalize obviously that like he was not in his right mind but that is so hurtful I think she has to show him and like have an actual conversation about it yeah because I people do and say crazy things coming out of anesthesia like I as someone that like had it recently like I don't really remember much and I was rapping happy feet like penguin songs like I was so out of it but that was still true to your heart, I believe.

40:12So in that, you would kind of want her to be like, is this his subconscious coming out? Like, I don't think you need to reconsider your whole relationship, like, but I can understand why you would be really deeply hurt by it. Like, your feelings are so valid. I always think honesty in these situations is kind of the best way forward and just be like, hey, I did record it. However, I stopped recording because of how it went. And now I'm just kind of worried that maybe you just don't think of me the way I thought you did. So I'm going to show you the video and then like, can we talk about it after?

40:50Yeah. And show him the video and like, see what he says. Absolutely. I mean, this is sort of a nightmare scenario. Like, imagine your partner gets amnesia oh and they wake up and they don't recognize you and they're like oh i'm married to you i would dude oh my god what would you do there's so many movies on this too yeah because even if that channing tatum one yeah even if someone doesn't recognize you they would still be like oh but that's a beautiful woman i don't like i don't know you i don't remember you but like that's the hope like i'm married to you oh god yay right scary it's scary which of course There's like there is still a world in which he was just so out of it and like maybe couldn't even really see.

41:37And like maybe was just having some kind of dream about being single or something. I don't know. You never know. And it wasn't even about you. It was just like, oh, I'm not actually a bird who can fly through the sky. I'm a man, a normal man who's married. I don't know. It's tough. It could really be nothing, but it would be very hard to get over this. And it would be almost impossible to get over this if you don't have a conversation about it. Because the only person who can make you feel better is him and like having a conversation with him about it. I agree. I wonder if anyone, though, is going to be on the opposite side of it where it's like he clearly doesn't mean that.

42:16He was coming out of anesthesia. He loves you. How about all of his other actions over the years? Like you guys are married. Right. So he clearly loves you. I wouldn't even bother. Like, don't even show him that. It's only going to make him feel bad and, you know, just move forward knowing that he was fucked up from the anesthesia. I feel like I could see someone feeling like that's the healthy advice and that's like the advice that I'd love to give. But then the reality of it happening, like once again, I'm just like that would that would hurt. if this were me in this situation and it happened with me and Justin I also know that like Justin would want to know so he could be like no I was messed up like that was not me I'm really sorry like Justin would want to make the whatever between us like better yeah he would want to make sure that like I'm not hurt absolutely no fault of his own like that's not on him he got anesthesia.

43:15And I think, but there are some people who, if they experience this, maybe they wouldn't even question if that was a real thing because they're so confident in their relationship and because they feel so beautiful with their part. I mean, there's a chance that there already was a dormant fear here or something like that, because maybe some of the people giving this advice are imagining this scenario and being like, oh, that would never worry me. Yeah. Like I know my husband doesn't would never feel that way. I know. I mean, you don't know how you're going to react. I saw a video of a girl the other day and her mom was in the room with her after anesthesia.

43:51I think she must have got her wisdom teeth out or something or tonsils. She got her tonsils out and she's just like the whole time like, I'm so mad at you. I don't like you. I love you, but I don't like you right now. Yeah. And her mom didn't do anything, but she was just like, she was pissed. I mean, I could handle that more. That sounds better than, ugh. Yeah. You're my wife. Yeah. Ugh. Top comment. For every Rainbows and Unicorn video, there are 150 moments like this. Anesthesia is absolutely wild, and his wake-up response has nothing to do with how much he adores you. Okay, good. That's good to hear.

44:32Next comment. To add to this, A lot of people have adverse reactions to waking up from anesthesia. I remember when I had my first surgery, they explained to me that the process of waking up from anesthesia can be difficult for some people and they can have a semi-violent reaction. Generally, it's just people being upset, but it runs the gamut from happy and silly to angry and upset. What I'm really getting at is the reaction is generally one outside of the patient's control. OP, your husband coming out of anesthesia and looking at you like that almost certainly is just their brain reacting to the medication of sedation, not you.

45:10That's true. There's like absolutely a chance or like maybe even more than likely chance that the reaction isn't even directly to her. It's just like to maybe the pain he's experiencing or the confusion or something like that. It's not like looking at you and thinking, ew, gross. I agree. There's so many comments on this of people sharing their stories. Someone says, I woke up from one procedure in love with my doctor. I didn't want to leave without seeing him because I thought he was so beautiful and amazing. This guy was 30 years my senior, had a bad ponytail, a dead tooth, and no discernible personality.

45:50Long story short, don't pay attention to TikTok trends. Anesthesia is nuts and cannot be used like a truth serum. Wow. Wow. This is a very informative comment section. They are on it. Yeah. They're really on it. They're really trying to like, hey, don't worry about it. Yeah. Someone also says the major feeling I had coming out of anesthesia was one of nausea. I threw up several times. You may have mistaken that look of feeling sick to one about you. And that is true. That's a very common side effect. like coming out of anesthesia is like nausea, vomiting, crying, like a lot of people just cry.

46:31Oh, yeah. I think when I got my wisdom teeth out, I was crying about like wanting to get Chick-fil-A or something like that. Yeah. What did I want? All I wanted was pop belly. Yeah. Which we had. It was so good. And it was ready for you. Oh my gosh. There's only one response from OP in all of this, and I've got to do some digging to find it. But all it said is capybara. Oh. I'm expanding every comment, you guys. What could that possibly mean? I cannot find what capybara is in response to. Wow. If anyone has a guess. but I'm not finding it I've like expanded every comment I don't see OP anywhere in this mix so I I do hope that this comment section was like reassuring for OP I hope because again this is such a good point in the second comment I think it was about how TikTok isn't real life yeah I think the reason that this hurt so much is because this was led by all of these videos of husbands looking so sweetly at their wives coming out of anesthesia.

47:43And then you're comparing to that. So you're thinking like, oh, all of these men really, really love their wives. And this must mean my husband doesn't love me in the same way. And that's hard. Like. Oh, comparison, man. It reminds me of like, you know, a groom sobbing as the bride walks down the aisle or something. And then it's like, oh, if everyone doesn't have the exact same reaction in every situation, then that must mean like this love isn't as strong or like the attraction isn't as strong here. That's true. A lot of people do judge based on stuff like that. Yeah, like what other people do.

48:18No, that's a really good point. Don't judge. Don't compare. Harrison is the thief of joy. Don't do that. But definitely, definitely have a chat with him. And I think it'll get better. Yeah, I think so too. I think they could laugh about it. I think maybe this is one of those situations where a few days go by and like obviously in the moment it was like, oh my God, that's not what I was expecting. But a few days later you bring it up. He's like, oh, I was thinking about I remember waking up and thinking about being in a dumpster truck or something. Like, I don't know. Like you can laugh it off.

48:53Definitely can. I mean, I think that like this isn't divorce worthy. No. Not divorce worthy. You guys will work through this. unless unless there is a like unless there is a chance that actually he was waking up and disappointed that that was his wife but that might come out years later i don't know we're not we're not gonna cause her to spiral totally it's all good it's gonna be great it's gonna be so good it's all it's fine it's totally fine you're not overreacting your feelings are valid but chat with him don't hold it against him okay we're gonna get into some stories about presents. Okay.

49:32You know, I love a good present. I just like gift giving is my love language. But for a lot of people, I feel like giving gifts can be really hard. So we're going to get into this. Maybe we'll have some tips, tricks. Yeah. Some of the people about to come up. Yes. This is coming from the Too Hot Takes subreddit, six days old, titled, My husband keeps buying cheap gifts and doesn't get why it hurts my feelings. How do I explain this to a man? My husband loves finding a good deal, but his deals aren't like an amazing deal on a good item. He finds cheap versions of the thing and thinks he's saving money.

50:15For example, when we were dating, he asked my friends what I would like for my birthday. My friend sent a link to nice paintbrushes that I would have liked. Think like a nice brush equals$20. Instead of buying one or two nice brushes, he ended up gifting me a craft store set of kids paintbrushes because more brushes equals better deal. As an artist, I couldn't use them for my art. I guess I did get to use them with my nieces, though. Another year, we went on holiday and I mentioned liking a beautiful piece of jewelry at an art market in passing and how I regretted not buying it. Again, it was like maybe$60 max.

50:57He saw the ring too. He got me a different piece off of Amazon for$15. I told him I liked flowers. He buys me really cheap wilted ones from Walmart. I tried to explain I don't like generic flowers. I like fun, unique flowers, and you can buy pretty affordable cool flowers at the farmer's market that are actually in season. He still gets Walmart flowers. I appreciate him giving me gifts, but it honestly kind of hurts my feelings that he goes cheap every time. We're married and I love him and in every other aspect, he's great. I honestly wish he would just save his money and let me buy my own gifts.

51:37This year for Christmas, I noticed an advent calendar was purchased under my Amazon account, addressed to his name. I guess he used my account by accident. It was a$10 jewelry advent calendar. $10, dude. And to add salt to the wound, its original price was listed at$20 and he got it on sale for 24 pieces. $10. That's like kids' jewelry that turns your skin green. I'm upset how cheap he went. And honestly, I'm more upset that he wasted$10. That could be a box of donuts. I would rather have donuts. And the jewelry are like butterflies, horseshoes, reindeer, which aren't my style. I'm hoping it's for our daughter, but we already mutually agreed on a book advent for her.

52:30And I feel like he would tell me if he got her a second one. I'm not the type to care about the dollar amount, but I would appreciate it if he put more thought on the gift and not all of his brain power on finding the best discount for himself. It feels almost selfish. Like it's not about what I'd like, but instead it's about the satisfaction for him in finding these crazy deals. So how do I bring this up? Do I ask him to return it? How do I let him down nicely? I've brought this concern up before and he says he understands, but he keeps doing it. has anyone else experienced this with their partner how do I get through to him this kind of reminds me of how I was at age like 18 19 and then I feel like there came a point in my life like with clothes or something like forever 21 clothes and then I was like getting trash basically and it's just very wasteful actually to buy cheap stuff that you're never going to use and like isn't good quality.

53:35I think buying like one or two really nice quality, like the brushes, like there's, it's probably streaking off the little, the brush hairs when she's using it. If these are kids brushes. Yeah. No, you're not going to be able to get a smooth line or like if you're an actual artist, the kid brushes are a joke. A lot of times they're like plastic bristles, not actual like horse hair and like nice brushes. Yeah. And you're going to have to keep buying the same thing every year. If you just spent a little bit more money on less one year, you could have that for like a decade. It's just it's such a childish way of looking at purchases.

54:14It's really weird. I just like and I don't understand. I think across the board, I think a lot of people struggle with this when someone very clearly tells you what they want. hey this is what would make me feel good why do you feel the need to not listen to them yeah like walmart flowers i i honestly i think you could save money if you went to trader joe's and bought like three different kinds of cool looking flowers because trader joe's has really cool flowers a lot of times and you put those together and made a little bouquet that's going to be cheaper than the bouquet typically granted you could go to walmart and find one on sale discounted ready to go out the door because it's almost dead and it's been there a while.

54:59But like typically those bouquets are way cheaper than what you'd find in a grocery store. Like why are you going against what she wants? And it's almost it's harder. It's worse quality. Like I wonder if there's any way she could explain this to him that would like if there's any parallels she could draw to something that he uses where it would make like, hey, you know how if we got plastic forks for all of our meals and they might break and not work well, but if we get one nice metal fork, it could last us a very long time. A million years. The same thing is true of my paintbrushes and my jewelry.

55:40And she's not even like a$60 necklace that she thought was so lovely. It's like, yeah, that might be a splurge but it's it's something that she could now have as like a key part of what she wears for years to come and jewelry is like something that you do have a while like it typically lasts for people yeah i wonder if there's something he's into where like maybe he's a dewalt tool guy and a ryobi like if he had to get a ryobi no chance he wouldn't buy a ryobi he's a DeWalt guy or he's a Milwaukee household. Like, yeah, that's his jam. So maybe there's something like that where you could kind of flip it where it's like, hey, certain times you do splurge.

56:22Like when you got that Milwaukee like drill set, that was really important to you because you recognize the quality behind that brand versus buying, you know, just the generic Lowe's brand. Like it also doesn't even seem like it's just about it being cheaper. It seems like he's also thinking more equals better and all these like yeah i'm gonna get an advent calendar of cheap jewelry i'm gonna get a big box of children's paintbrushes and it's like that is not the case like he it's almost like it's like a scarcity mindset almost where it's like it is cheap but also he's getting a lot of it yeah so then it's like double whammy it's like oh my god cheap yay also more so you won't run out like right it's like a weird like scarcity mindset in a way i think she'd have to be like, hey, I have done the research on what I want and you might find more similar items for less.

57:18That isn't because I overlooked it. That's because it is not as good of a quality. It's not going to get the job done that I want. Can you put, you know, bad gasoline in a nice car? I shouldn't. You really shouldn't. It hurts. It hurts it. That's a good example too. I don't know. I'm doing trying to think of things he might understand. That one would fit. I think this year I would make it kind of a test, too, where you're like, this is what I want for the holidays. Here's my list. You can get anything off this list, whatever you find meaningful and special to you. But like, these are items I would really want.

57:54Yeah. And if he cannot stick to it this year, like, I don't know, go just go buy yourself your gift after the fact. Like, just take it out of his hands. But at the same time, it's like, why don't you see me? Why don't you see me? Why aren't you respecting me? Why aren't you listening to me? And I saw this TikTok today. It was a girl that works at Ulta and she's like telling this story about a customer that came in and this guy comes in and he's like, hey, I need to get my wife mascara. What do you recommend? And she goes, oh, this Essence brand or whatever it was. This is great. Another woman stops him.

58:25I was like, no, you should get the Tarte mascara. It's way better. Anyways, the lady leaves. He goes, what should I really get? And she's like, well, what is your wife like? And he goes, oh, well, you know, I've gotten her this essence one before. And so the Ulta girl was like, we'll get her this one and then also do the Tarte mascara in the travel size so then she can try it and she'll have both. And then he's like, OK, can you help me? I'm going to get my wife some other makeup. And she's like, well, what is your wife where? What does she want this year? And he goes, well, you know, she told me that she really, really, really, really only wants a Ulta gift card, but I'm not getting her a gift card.

59:04I'm going to get her all the makeup. It's fine. I'll pick what she. No, no, no, no. Stop right there. Stop right there. You've been down this road with her. Right. Exactly. She wants the gift card because you've botched it before. Yeah. You just need to follow instructions and get her the gift card. And when you're a family, it's like the money that they spend is also your money so it's like now our money is wasted on makeup that I don't want if you can just give me the gift card I can get whatever I want I don't have to feel bad about it I'm getting the things that I'm actually going to use and he could also like he still doesn't know what to get her he could go through her makeup drawer like he could find out like I have notes on all my friends of like do they wear gold jewelry or silver jewelry Like, what do they get from different places?

59:54Like, what's their shoes? I'm trying to like I try to remember like you have to remember things about people. And if you don't care enough about your wife to like, yeah, to know those things. But I don't know. Did the did the lady tell him to to just get the gift card? She said that she really tried to convince him to get the gift card, but he refused. And that happens so much, which is like, just please stick to the list. And it's like, I know a lot of people have problems with buying gift cards. Yeah. I love a gift card. Love it. But if you feel the need, like, that you can't get a gift card, then...

1:00:28I don't know, like maybe get a gift card and a little something like a little cookbook from TJ Maxx or like, hey, maybe a candle and the gift card. Like if you feel the need to physically gift me something that's not just a gift card, there's other meaningful ways you can do it. And I think you can also go very affordable. Like something I'm doing for people this year is I'm going to make everyone little stockings instead of like doing a bunch of like big gifts because like this year's just been crazy. so I'm doing like little stockings and I'm getting like each person a little gift card that they can go pick out something for themselves like my brother's gonna get best buy because he's into video games and whatever his wife I'll get her like a spa gift card and then just like little things like a vintage deck of cards yeah vintage matchbook just stuff you can find on Etsy and eBay that are really cute and thoughtful and also not junk because people don't love junk yes like the fuck 24 jewelry pieces for$10.

1:01:27Nope. Now she just has to like either throw that away or like find the bottom of a drawer to clutter with that stuff. She's not going to use that. It's, it is, it does suck when someone just asks for a gift card, but I think, you know, I've done this with my mom, like before the holidays, we'll go to the mall together and like, I'll be like that and that and that and then she'll like secretly go buy it for me and then like she'll be like forget what we did here today and then she'll box that up and that's what I open for Christmas which it's like I she would ideally just pick stuff out for me but she wants me to be as happy as I can be yeah no and it's I know like you shouldn't have to be dictated what gift you get someone because it is a gift, but it just feels nice to be seen.

1:02:19Yeah. Especially by your partner. Absolutely. Knows you maybe the best, hopefully the best, loves you, wants to make you happy and feel cherished. And if you're getting someone junk, especially like this story, they're not going to feel the love. And what is it that makes someone think like, oh, they asked for this, but I know better and I'm gonna get something else. Illusion? It's just like - Self-centeredness? Yeah. Like in both of these cases, they couldn't have been clearer about like specifically what they wanted. And he even like in the story that we're reading right now, he saw her point out the necklace and based what he purchased off of pointing out that piece of jewelry, but still didn't just get that piece of jewelry.

1:03:06Yeah. No, this is crazy. And so confusing. I like I think there's just like I think you you in this story because this is a listener it's too hot take subreddit oh I think you need to have a conversation and just like really articulate your feelings but in the same breath like don't settle like do not keep settling for these gifts like he does need a little bit of a wake-up call like last year Justin did an advent calendar for me and your advent calendars that you do for your partner like they do not need to be expensive They can be thoughtful. Like he in one like of the days would get me like a gift card to go get coffee.

1:03:43And then the next day would be a puzzle piece to like a big present at the very end. I had to like put together this puzzle to then get the key to unlock the treasure chest. Oh, that's so fun. He put so much effort and love and thoughtfulness into this. Like another one of the days was a T-shirt of like my horse on it. And like that can you can do that. That's attainable. But then he still made sure I was getting things that like he knew I wanted. Like, yeah, the very end. It was a little bit of a splurge for him. It was like a tennis bracelet because mine had been stolen in like one of our house robberies.

1:04:19Oh, so it's like just like you shouldn't have to settle like that is what love and gift giving should should feel like. And I know everyone's not a good gift giver. It does take practice. Yeah. So start putting yourself in like put me in coach. Tap in. Right. Game on. I know what I want. I'm telling you what I want. I probably. And again, it doesn't need to be insanely expensive or like don't tie finances to it because I know everyone right now, like a lot of people are in hard spots this year. Yeah. It's the thoughtfulness. It's making sure that person feels seen. Go thrift. Yeah. I'm like, I'm literally thrifting my mother-in-law's Christmas present because I know what she wants and I'm only going to find it at a thrift store.

1:05:02Well, Well, and it's actually better for your money if you buy one thing one time for$60 than like spend$20 this month and$20 again next month. And then, you know, like you have to keep trying to cover it. I agree. I'm with you. Top comment. Ask him if he changed his mind about the book for your daughter because you saw the purchases on your Amazon. And that it has to be sent back nonetheless because cheap jewelry is dangerous for both kids and adults. Also, add that you save money for your family, not on it. Whoa. Next comment. Gift him things that you want. Quote, here, babe, a nice set of new bedsheets and the quality I like.

1:05:46Opie responds, not a bad idea. Someone says, ah, my oldest daughter and you would get on well. LOL. Her partner loves a bargain. One year for her birthday, he gave her a mop and a bucket set, a really cheap, nasty set. He was extremely lucky he didn't get the handle of that mop, dot, dot, dot. Well, you get the idea, lol. My daughter would then shove an advertisement pamphlet under his nose with what she wanted circled. He was told, in no uncertain terms, that any deviation from that circled item would result in a mop handle coming into play. Seriously, though, she told him how it made her feel like he didn't value her at all.

1:06:31He has slowly learned. He got down on one knee last year and proposed with an expensive ring. So he's learning. There is hope. Yeah, I mean, maybe these people can just get into extreme couponing when it comes to groceries. And then when it comes to gift giving, hey, that's when we spend money on those that we love. We can save on Triscuits and biscuits. Oh my God. I like really, the extreme couponers, that stuff's crazy. Yeah. But that's a good area to do it. You can save in all other areas in life that aren't gifts for your family and friends. Yeah. Let those savings spread to items that like really matter.

1:07:17Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So it seems like this next comment is responding to like, has anyone been through this? Like, what did you do? And they say, I was finally unpleasant about it. He now buys exactly what I asked for. I just got tired of getting almost what I wanted. I think it's worse than nothing at all. Yeah. And I think that's what's hard is like, you don't want to be mean about a present that was given to you. And you can tell that like, with these gifts, there is some thought to it. It's not like he's getting her these completely random things that she would never want. They're within the realm of something she would want.

1:07:58And in his mind, it seems like he's thinking, oh I'm going to do something really awesome and actually get her 24 brushes for the same price and that's hard to be like oh I didn't want this actually don't get me this don't do this again but I think eventually after like trying to give that hint gently and not being taken like yep being a little bit unpleasant about it might be what you have to do like I'm not going to use these this is going to create more waste I really would have just liked one pretty necklace yeah Yeah. Well, in response to that comment, someone goes, how did you go about it?

1:08:32Details, please. And that person responds, I flipped one Christmas day and I told him to take it all back, that I didn't want these crappy things and that if he didn't want to buy me decent presents, it was better to buy me nothing. Not my best behavior. Someone responds, proud of you. Next person goes, but it worked. Yeah. Yeah. It has to be like that at some point, because you're both, I mean, you're just going to continue being unhappy and suffering in silence and like they're going to continue to not really understand. Someone does comment here. I had a boyfriend like this. He didn't buy me things, but always bought the cheapest thing for himself.

1:09:15He only bought grapefruit juice when it was on sale. I had to convince him that he has enough money and if he prefers grapefruit juice to just enjoy his life and get the juice he likes. He grew up very poor and every penny mattered. He wore his clothes until they had holes and then added patches to them. It was hard for him not to think this way. OP responds, I think you nailed it. My husband grew up poor and although his parents are pretty well off now, they all sort of kept that mentality. I just don't know how to make him realize that buying super cheap things isn't good in the long run. Yeah.

1:09:50Sounds like they have to have a serious conversation about adult spending. Yeah. We get an update. Oh, yeah. This has popped up since I opened this post. Oh my god. Update edit. This got so many more replies than I expected. Thank you to those who provided actual advice and shared your pain with me. Felt good knowing others went through something similar and figured out a solution that worked in your relationships. So a day after posting this, I did what a lot of you suggested and brought up the mysterious advent calendar that popped up on my account. He looked nervous and tried to pretend that it wasn't him.

1:10:30I think he meant it to be a surprise for me and got caught. LOL. I told him, although it was a nice suggestion, I'm a 30-year-old woman and I have no use for cheap jewelry. At first, he was a little hurt and offended, but I tried to explain to him that he basically got me jewelry that's cheaper than the toys you get out of a gumball machine. Yeah. Wow. That's a crazy comparison. Like less than 50 cents a piece. His thought was it would be fun to open for Advent and I could wear it for the day and throw it away. And I replied that that is super wasteful and I would never enjoy a gift like that.

1:11:10I told him next time for$10, I'd prefer something edible instead so we can all enjoy it together and it wouldn't be a waste. I asked if he would enjoy 24 watches that cost 50 cents each. And he agreed. That sounds crazy when I put it like that. Yep. Yep. That parallel. I told him all future Advent, we should discuss together and decide what to get as a family so we can enjoy it all together. I could tell I hurt his feelings a little bit, but after mulling it over for the remainder of the night, he came and apologized before we went to bed. He admitted he just wasn't really thinking, saw the deal, and bought it.

1:11:48And thankfully, it's Amazon, so he returned it. We also discussed making wish lists to share with each other and keep it strictly to the list. So we'll see if that works. I know you guys wanted some more drama, but we do love each other and he is a good guy. We both grew up in poor families and that does affect how we view purchases and etc. I just swung to the other spectrum of buying really nice pieces, but few of them. And he swung to the other end of let's find the best deal we can. So that is all. Hopefully this will be a more permanent solution that works. Well, I'm happy. I don't think anything was ever ill-intentioned.

1:12:29It's just like, I really, I did not read this update and I just could feel the scarcity mindset. But if that's the case, why is he like buy something that you throw away each day? I don't know. It's, it's something, dude, psychologically, like me and Lauren both really struggle with this. Like we talk about it quite a bit, but like we have a lot of like trauma surrounding money because of like our childhoods and like things that happened growing up. So like money for us, it's like it's just a really hard conversation. It's a hard thing to navigate. We have a lot of like scarcity mindset mentalities, like food.

1:13:04Like I will I can't throw food out like I have to eat it. Like I'm just like it's just I'm goofy. I fully recognize I'm goofy. So I feel like I probably recognize myself in him a little bit. And like there's just something psychologically about getting a deal. I don't think you really in the moment necessarily consider like how cheap it could be or like maybe it won't work as good. I think little things even like a Swiffer or a wet jet versus the Swiffer. And you're like, well, that one saves me 40. But if you invest and get like something a little more expensive, it'll last a lot longer. I think vacuums are a good example of that.

1:13:42A cheap vacuum, that's$100 versus you ball out and you maybe get the Dyson. My Dyson's lasted me six years. Yeah. Still going strong, sucking a lot. So sucks everything. Sucks it all. It's so good at that. I like posted on this on my stories like maybe two years ago when I needed help buying a new vacuum and everyone like was raving. They're like Team Shark, Team Dyson, team a different one hoover like vintage hoovers were getting thrown out there and recently i bought a shark for um my house in minnesota because like the vacuum there broke so we went to costco and i buy the shark i don't know how you shark girlies are doing it oh that shark did not suck up anything i'm loyal to dyson dyson i'm here if you want to sponsor me wow sponsor her send some air wraps I do so that was on my that's on my Christmas list that's like the one I said I want one thing this is it and it's at Costco right now really good Black Friday sales on that too really yeah really good price at Costco and like I think with Costco you usually get I don't know if it counts on that but if you buy like appliances or like like a vacuum or whatever you get an additional year warranty on top of the manufacturers oh I didn't know that through Costco it's awesome Costco.

1:15:04Costco rocks. Costco sponsor. I love the co. My dad kicked me off his membership finally at the age of 31. Oh my god. So I need to go get my own membership now. I have my roommate as my plus one on my Costco membership. That's really nice of you. Thank you. That's really nice of you. I didn't realize you could do that but I added my mom on mine. I just got to go in and take my new picture and then I get my new card finally. My own account, like a big girl. Oh my God, it's like healthcare all over again. Yeah, healthcare, especially right now. Marketplace is a nightmare. This episode is brought to you by Vinted.

1:15:48Season is changing. Time to clean out that closet and maybe make some extra money in the process. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell your clothes you no longer wear and get more value out of your wardrobe. It's super simple to use and with no selling fees. so you keep what you earn. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees. This episode is brought to you by Credit Karma. Breathe in, now breathe out. You feel that? That's the calm of having Intuit Credit Karma in your corner. If you're trying to get your life together in this crazy world, Credit Karma is a great place to start with the money stuff.

1:16:29Your credit score isn't just a number. It can unlock better rates, more options, and real savings. So whether you're moving, leasing a car, or upgrading your cards, it feels good knowing your credit is working for you. When you start to feel like there's too much on your plate, you can count on Credit Karma for less craziness and more credit. Okay. Let's get into this one. Okay. A little turkey day drama. Wow. Gobble, gobble, bitches. This one's coming from Am I Overreacting? Three hours old. Oh my God. This feels, I need to read, I'm scared to refresh. I'm going to, I'm like three hours. That's it.

1:17:06It is six hours old now. Wow. I found it a couple hours ago, but it's titled, am I overreacting to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I'm an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now? Me. I'm 35 female and single for three years. I was engaged, but he, Charles, was doing weird sexting role play with people on a video game, which was fucking disgusting. It fucked me up and yes, I've been in therapy. I've dated since but nothing serious I've never had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to thanksgiving after this The way that she said don't shoot the messenger It's clear that the rest of the family have been talking about me and she was the one Elected to say it I don't want to drive two hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate little bitch.

1:18:02Would I be overreacting for not going? Is that too much? I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you ever say this to your daughter? Like, I have a good job. I'm educated. I have friends and hobbies. I own my own condo and I have three car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids. I don't know. I'm pissed. Yeah, this is this is so mean. And it's also just like, have you considered that I'm happier now than I was back then? Like, does that matter to you? Would you rather I be miserable and have a significant other than be happy and be alone?

1:18:47I think it's really hard as a 35 year old woman, as an any age woman, when you start going home And like, I don't know, the years are passing and you're still not bringing anyone back. But I think especially because she was engaged, I think they like saw her so close. Yeah. But it's just like, I know. Well, it's like, how do you even know her goal in life is to have kids? Maybe she doesn't want kids and that's OK. Like not everyone needs to have a kid. Like I hate like how much pressure we put on people to like do these like traditional things. It's like that's not a measure of success for me.

1:19:23that's your measure of success that's what you wanted for your life but it's okay if I don't want that for mine and there's so much pressure put I think specifically on women like your biological clock is ticking oh you're 32 like are you getting ready to have kids when are you having kids like since getting married that's been like everyone's question now it's like when are you having kids you're gonna start trying you having kids yet yeah what are you thinking about oh you don't want a glass of wine are you pregnant are you pregnant yeah you're craving a little extra chocolate today are you pregnant you look a little big today Morgan are you pregnant no god damn I'm just in my bloat era like no and I just like men's biological clocks tick too yeah in a different way in a different way yeah everything basically all issues basically increase as men get older because their sperm quality goes way down so I know come at him honestly come at everybody going home the last couple of years, my family doesn't harass me about this, but they will make comments like about, oh, it'd be so nice, you know, to see you with also someone here if you were bringing someone home.

1:20:31And I'm like finally starting to understand that in all of those holiday movies where people make some kind of contract to pretend to be in a relationship to go home for the holidays. Like, oh, I actually get why they did that. Like, that always seemed like such a funny, random concept when I was growing up that they would do this like, can you just be pretend to be my girlfriend or my fiance for the holidays when I go home to see my family. And I was like, that seems dramatic. But now I'm like, wait, I get why they're doing that. Michaela might be hiring this season. I might be hiring this season.

1:21:00She might need a little buddy. Go back. This is my partner. They would love that. Oh my God. They'd be so happy to be like, Michaela, you're finally dating again. This is all we could have ever hoped. Just kidding. They would be really, they'd love it though. Yeah. I just think, I think it's hard because especially in this last sentence she's listing all of the things that she's doing so well right now which I feel confirms that like she's living the life that she wants to be living even if she really did want to be partnered right now these comments still wouldn't help make that happen faster nope and it's like I I can't force like a beautiful relationship upon myself I could try to date more But like ultimately you're kind of trying to get me to settle for someone that's not going to make my life as good as the perfect person could be.

1:21:55And also I'm like, yeah, if I if I started dating. Right. And I waste two years, let's say, on maybe someone who isn't my perfect person. Maybe the perfect person was a year and a half away. And I'm actually forcing yourself to make something work. And now I'm 10 years out from my because I missed that one and a half year one. That's a really good point. I think that's what a lot of people don't realize too when it comes to like sunken cost fallacy like the op in this story is so on it like yeah the fact that they were like why would I have wanted to stay in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate little bitch literally she clocked it she's like I'm not gonna waste any more time but I think there's also the flip side of that where someone could have been like I've been in this relationship for two years I'm in this deep blah blah blah blah blah you can't think sunken cost fallacy and like hope and like bank on potential because being with that person could be blocking you from a bigger blessing like don't block your own blessing like don't do that yeah bye bye bye there's such a like thing of if you've suffered for something you in your mind have to make it have more value which is like true of frats and like hazing and like all these different things where because you had this tough initiation into it, you're like, now I want to hold on to it tighter because who am I if I let myself suffer for something that isn't even that great?

1:23:19Like, how stupid must I be? And we don't want to think that way about ourselves. No, it's like almost like a cult mentality of like getting sucked in a little bit. We do, I will say, we do have a screenshot that mom sent. So this is all coming from mom, okay? There's like four different text bubbles here. Oh my God. Sorry if this hurts your feeling, but it's time for some tough love. You made a big mistake when you broke it off with blank. I know you don't like what he did, but giving up over it was stupid. Everyone else has a family. Your sister, your brother, cousins. Doesn't that make you feel embarrassed to be the only one without a family?

1:24:02Doesn't it make you feel lonely? Oh my God. To be the only one without a family. Oh, I'm sorry. I actually kind of thought I did have a family. Maybe I don't now, though. Doesn't it make you feel lonely? No, actually, I feel less lonely than I ever did. You are too old for roommates. It's time to grow up. Just my two cents. Don't shoot the messenger. Love you, sweetie. Just something to think about. No, she shouldn't go to Thanksgiving. I wouldn't. This person, your mother being this person. Bitch. Oh my God. What an awful way to talk to somebody. Doesn't that make you feel embarrassed to be the only one without a family?

1:24:45Are you not my mom? Are those not my brothers? Are those not my sister? Like, what? And it's so sad. That is my family. Like, OP actually seems pretty proud of herself. Like, she's talking about all of her accomplishments. She's made a good life for herself. And actually, she should be - Car, cat. She should be so proud of the fact that she left that guy. Yeah. And it sucks that like - Knows her worth. Yeah, it sucks that the people around her aren't like, actually that's something you should be proud of instead of you should be ashamed of it. Like what treatment are you okay with? Sorry, I actually want to be happy more than I want people to see me as having one in life because I have the traditional partner that everyone thinks is what I'm supposed to do.

1:25:28oh that's so that's despicable the way that she spoke to her it's so bad it's so bad like just it's like not her fault too she wanted it to work out with that guy she didn't choose for him to do that no I'm sure she loved him but like why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't respect you and is cheating and doing whatever online like no oh my god like on a video game though this come on come on like love is so so magical when it's equal and balanced and like you just feel like good love shouldn't make you feel bad shouldn't make you untrustful i don't know what the word is distrustful yep yep thank you it just like it should all be like positive like is it gonna be hard at points yeah are you gonna fight yeah are you gonna have health issues probably like yeah you're gonna go through all this shit but like make sure you're with the right person when you go through all this bad shit because if you're with the wrong person the bad shit will be 20 times worse I remember going through a really hard time in my life right after I had a breakup and thinking thank god I went through this breakup before this happened because if I were still with him right now this situation would be so much worse because I would feel so much lonelier and like I would just feel so much like sadder if I still had this person in my life which feels counterintuitive like the having someone would make you less it makes complete sense yeah it really does because you have that thing that you're going through on top of dealing with this like yeah other person I think that like you see it a lot with um Moms that like have kids But then they're also like parenting their partner Yeah And then it's just like you don't have two kids You've got three rope your husband in Because you're doing everything It's like your life becomes easier Co-parenting than Being his mom and doing everything yourself Like I just it's I totally Yes that makes so much sense I think it's hard because Again this is OP's mom So it's like this is some of the only family she has I think in the ideal scenario you would like make her understand and see things from your perspective but it's just so hard to reason with someone who fundamentally doesn't get it and not only that but is like talking down to you and being in the life of someone who wants to make you feel bad about yourself is just like now she has to I don't know does she have to cut out this person too?

1:28:10Like she has, she's already had to cut out this horrible partner. Now she has to cut out her mom. Like how many people does she have to cut out who are just like dragging her down? So sad. I think mom definitely needs a timeout. Yeah. Like maybe you don't have to cut her out completely and go no contact, but maybe it's a low, low contact situation. Yeah. I know mom was like, don't shoot the messenger, but I don't think you should automatically assume everyone in your family feels the same way. Like your mom could just truly be deranged and also like, whatever, like don't maybe cut everyone else off so quickly, unless you feel that no, everyone is talking about you, then yeah.

1:28:53But I agree with the top comment, which basically just says not overreacting. I would not attend any holidays or other events at her place. She's not the messenger. She's the problem. I know. I think I would, in this situation, have a serious conversation with her and maybe my other family members of like, look, I know my life may not look like the life you would want to have, but I'm proud of myself and I'm happy right now. And the things that you're telling me I need to do are the things that would actually make me less happy. So if you can't understand that and if you're going to keep looking down on me, then I don't know how we can have a positive relationship.

1:29:35I know you really need to like set the boundary with her and like, hey, this is not appropriate. Like this is not okay. This is cruel. This is. And I'm not sad. No, no. A lot of people are in the comments saying a hundred percent. I'd be screenshotting this and sending it in a group chat to the whole family. Sorry, guys. Can't make it this year. Next comment came here to say exactly this. I would screenshot, send it in a group chat to everyone who will be attending and make plans to be elsewhere on Thursday and not responding to your phone. All the other guests should either feel like shit and or let mom have it for being a jerk.

1:30:11Next comment came to say this. Share with your siblings and sit this year out. I would put money on them being horrified by this message. Next comment. I would be sharing this with the entire family. All caps. Siblings, aunts, cousins, grandparents, everyone damn that's so funny I probably wouldn't be that messy but like if she did I'd be cheering her on I'm kind of down for it because I feel like you should almost know one way or another because at this point yeah the mom's pulling everyone else into it and acting like they're co-signing this yeah and I don't I really feel in my gut she's just kind of like delusional self-centered and like just like don't shoot the messenger like I already know everyone's thinking it like she wants to almost have that protection of like kind of splitting the blame on everyone else but I really don't think everyone else has been this dramatic like I mean there's a chance one or two of them but it's like not the whole fucking family like surely someone or at least a couple people in the family would see the way that the mom is talking and be like this is not cool or understand that like that guy sucked and that's what i'd be talking about yeah god like mikayla i'm so glad she got out that guy was a puke yeah hopefully she finds someone else that's better someone's so lovely that's the extent that you would talk like god thank god she dodged that bullet op has a lot of comments oh wow a lot of comments someone was like yeah your mom's right you shouldn't live with roommates and op's like i'm guessing you don't live in a city because 35 with roommates is completely normal here.

1:31:52Wait, you said, um, is this the six hour old one? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. OP, I think like immediately just kind of was like, I need to talk to people. Right. Like just anxious or something. Cause like, I mean, that's how I'd be talking, talking as I relate to it, but basically kind of highlights what he was doing. He was spending his time doing creepy, nasty, gross sexting shit through a video game with a bunch of strangers. Straight up, unforgivable, degenerate shit. Mm-hmm. Not Catholic. Someone knew what he was actually involved in, and OP goes, yep, that's the one. He got really into it and had a whole secret Discord account for his disgusting behavior.

1:32:35Wait, what is it that he was into? They name a game, and the person is like, was this game blank? I don't even know what it is. FFXIV. Final Fantasy? Final Fantasy 14? Yes. There you go. I love Final Fantasy. Wait, what are they doing on Final Fantasy? I'm not sure what just disgusting behavior, but the person does say, because I role play on there a lot and I've met people that would hide it from their partners. They're definitely not overreacting. Also, if you read like, if you read your partner's messages to people and they're saying like very gross sexual things to other people I think it's very valid to be like I cannot look at you the same like this was this was an end point for me yeah OP does say you're right I don't have proof that it's all of them I'll probably end up talking to my sister after the holiday to find out it scares me to think about her saying that she agrees though I'm not child free I'm just child agnostic if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't Hmm.

1:33:44Child agnostic is like a really like I why do I love that? Someone was like, is your mom drunk? And OP's like, it's entirely possible, except I hope not because she texted me this morning and I want to hope she doesn't drink before noon. My mom is definitely someone who's male centered. Her entire life is all about my dad and every single thing is oriented around him. I've gone out shopping with her to catch up and all she will talk about is your father this and your father that. I'll ask her what she is up to. And she just turns it right back into what she's doing for him. It did kind of feel like I do feel like there was this weird mother-in-law, son-in-law thing that she had about her daughter's ex-partner that was like, oh no, like he was so great.

1:34:33You just don't understand him. Like he was amazing. You really screwed up losing that guy. Well, it makes me almost wonder, too, like, hey, mom, what have you put up with? Yeah. No. Oh, my God. I was thinking that, too. What have you put up with for you to give me this advice? And be like, oh, that's that's totally fine. Goofy. You're the you're the one who's in the wrong for leaving him. Yeah, I'm not seeing like there's there's a lot of other comments just kind of in response to people again just like still keeps calling their ex a degenerate little bitch but says that they doubt he's a pedo so oh that's positive at least i doubt he's a pedo when did that even become a part of the i think people are being like oh yeah well i don't know i think people are inferring oh because it's on a video game and like a lot of people might be younger on the video game?

1:35:28I don't know. Jesus. Wow. We're moving along. Well, I'm happy for her. I feel like I think, yeah, I think this will be good. And it sounds like this is someone who's actually a very strong person with like good boundaries and like respects herself. And ultimately she's gonna, she's gonna have her shit together. I think so. I think like this is a growing thing. Like, is it hurtful? Yes. Is it right? Your mom said this? No. But I think now going forward, like you'll have better boundaries don't respond to her don't go to thanksgiving like yeah just move on and just try to be happy life is too short fuck it yeah i also like i hate when people just like put pressure on you and like when are you getting married when are you doing this it's like fuck i don't know like if it happens it happens i'm fine for now child agnostic that one's gonna stay with me for a while i like that one this episode is brought to you by billy i don't know about you guys, but I get a little lazy in the winter.

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1:37:38Chrysler is a registered trademark of SCAUS LLC. Okay, this one is coming from AITAH, four hours old, titled, Am I the asshole for not taking down pictures of my family in my own home to make my son's new wife feel more comfortable? I, late 50s, am a picture person. I have hundreds up in my home. It started when I was caring for my aunt with Alzheimer's and has just gone from there. I have three kids and four grandkids, and as you can imagine, I love having photos of them up in my home. My middle son, Gavin, 27, is no longer with my four-year-old grandson, Tommy's mom, Helena. They're still friendly and co-parent well, and I see her often enough because I help with Tommy.

1:38:25Last year, he married Sherry, also 27, after only being together a few months. But she seemed sweet and like she makes him happy. We had no issues until this summer when my son asked me to take down any and all pictures that Helena was in to make Sherry more comfortable. I don't have any of her alone, just a few of the entire family and a few when Tommy was younger that my son is also in. I said no, it's my home and I like having them up. I certainly have added many with Sherry in them, but it's silly to take some down just because Helena and Gavin are no longer together. It's still a part of our family history.

1:39:09He asked again a few weeks ago, and I gave him the same answer, and told him that I would be happy to explain that to Sherry, but he dropped it. He called me yesterday and told me that it was the last time he was going to ask. The pictures needed to come down or Sherry wouldn't come to our home anymore. I told him that was ridiculous. And he said that it was important to him because they made Sherry jealous and it was affecting the way that she was treating Tommy. Oh. I am appalled. Apparently, Tommy mentioned a picture in my house and Sherry threw a fit. And Gavin says that it's making his life difficult.

1:39:49He brought it up around my daughter, the oldest, who told her younger sister as well, and they both agree Sherry is being ridiculous. I told him, if your wife is treating Tommy poorly because of some pictures in my home, then you need to rethink if this is the right person. Obviously, he disagrees, but has been hounding me leading up to Thanksgiving. My husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists, but has also pointed out that they are married and we should pick our battles. I'm wondering if I'm missing the forest for the trees. I don't. If Sherry can't even handle like a picture of Helen or Helena.

1:40:34Helena. Of Helena. Like how is she going to co-parent with her? like this is a part not even just a part of your family history it's a part of your current family this is the mother of your stepchildren like you're gonna have to see her and like this mindset that if you can just get rid of photos of her like you won't have to think about it anymore is it's only gonna get worse and worse from there she needs to get used to the photos she needs to get used to the person. Unless that, unless Helena did some like terrible, terrible thing and was like abusive and awful, then I would understand wanting the pictures being removed.

1:41:11But like, no, that if this is just a normal, like former relationship. Yeah. Which sounds like it is. Yeah. There's no mention of like, oh, they ended poorly. And maybe she's trying to defend my son, gavin no this sounds like a jealous insecure witch and oh if you start changing your behavior and taking things out on a baby yeah he's four oh my god a little nugget yeah like come on grow up also because of how is it like because of the photo like this is a real person who actually is the like how is a photo the line that you're drawing at like now you're upset about it you have to co-parent with this person forever yeah like this person is in your life why are you threatened you you won you're married you have him and if you feel so threatened that you have to worry about him you probably don't want him like that's just a good rule of thumb I understand where OP is at not wanting to take these pictures down especially because like a lot of these pictures didn't sound like they were of just Tommy and Helena.

1:42:23Yeah. Like it sounds like they were old family photos. And, you know, I would say like, hey, maybe move those pictures of Tommy, Helena, Gavin. Maybe those ones could go in your office. But if they're full family photos where it's like, it's all of your kids, all of their partners. That's the only photo you have of them at that age. You're not going to then take every photo that's like that off your wall over the years and Photoshop Helena out. Like, it's Tommy's mom. She's in all of your lives. And if you are this threatened, you need to go and get some help. Yeah, 100%. It's not going to be me.

1:43:01It's not going to be me taking my pictures off the walls in my home, my own home. Yeah, this sounds like a dangerous person. Just to the point of taking it out on the child. I agree. There is something very wrong here. Very, very wrong. Deeply unhinged. and op does have an edit just a quick edit if there was abuse i would have already called cps sherry has decided that when tommy is there she will make herself sparse and not be involved with him anymore i have told gavin that's not acceptable and he says he's working on it but there's nothing to report and helena knows all of this oh my god team helena yeah absolutely gavin so when the child is at like their house.

1:43:46She's just ignoring him. Doesn't help if he wants a snack. Doesn't engage with him. You signed up for a marriage with someone who has a child and an ex-wife. If you didn't want to be a stepmom. Yeah. You couldn't handle being a stepmom. Yeah. Don't sign up to be a stepmom. You're 27. This is a doomed relationship. You could have found someone who didn't have any past entanglements. To her. Totally. You could have found a virgin if you wanted. you could have dated someone who has been saving themselves until marriage so you had no one to worry about if you're that insecure maybe i haven't met one but i bet we also i don't know i'm like we live in la i don't know there's people saving it no there for sure are i i kind of like i wonder what that experience would be like like in hindsight i had sex way too young I do wish I would have waited longer like a lot longer I mean I was in ninth grade when I started having sex like that's just so young I mean it's young but it's not unheard of not unheard of but I just wonder what it would feel like to be to have your first time be with in love or I don't know if I can wait in love yeah I mean I was in love but like where my prefrontal lobe was maybe a little more developed.

1:45:06Yeah. I'm just curious. I don't know if there's anyone out there that's waiting until marriage. That is a strong person. Strong. That is a strong. What willpower? They must have a lot of toys, I would hope. Good for you. It's hard. It's really hard. Top comment on this one. Quote, my husband is also on the side of we do not negotiate with terrorists. fucking MVP. I love that saying. I say that constantly. I love it. I'm like, I just like, I hope that one is never at a point where we can't say because it is a good one. Next one down. The rotted wench is treating her new stepson like trash and using pictures as an excuse.

1:45:54Even if the pictures come down, the terrorist will ask for more. And the next thing you know, Tommy won't even be able to mention his mother. Then it'll be Tommy's mother can't come to the house to pick him up. Finally, Tommy should go live with his mother. Gavin married an asshole. Yeah, absolutely. That's the thing is like, if you're having such a problem with the pictures, it's not going to get better just by removing the pictures. No, because if you give into that, you're going to be given into other things. It's like if you give a mouse a cookie or If you give him an inch, they take a mile.

1:46:29Like she's not going to let it end with this. And these are pictures that are not even in their home. Right. And it's OK if Tommy wants a picture of his mom in his room. Tommy should be able to see his mom in pictures around a house where he lives. Absolutely. This is like such a recipe for a toxic co-parenting situation. It's like, how is Tommy going to feel hearing like his mom is a topic they can't talk about half the time? Kids pick up on it. Like kids pick up on this. You feel it. I was this kid. I've talked about this on the podcast, but like I made a comment when my stepmom was cutting my French toast and I was like, well, my mom cuts it like this.

1:47:10It was insane. It was absolutely insane. I still remember sitting at the table like I remember the table and what it looked like I remembered the chairs like I remember everything yeah and it's just like I was little I was like maybe the same age I wasn't even in school yet because I would go down there and like stay down there long periods of time but it's just like what that's disgusting like what yeah and then it hurts the kid mentally emotionally yeah it's not good so no I wouldn't take the pictures down I just yeah you have to make your stand you have to make your stand there a lot of people are worried about like OP getting cut off from Tommy like the little one and OP is like that's not gonna happen like I see my grandson daily and have a wonderful relationship with both of his parents I'm not worried about him cutting me off like everyone else is.

1:48:07Someone goes, do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship with your son and grandkids? Take the damn pictures off the wall and make your son's life easier. No. You're the asshole. No. And OP goes, no, that's just giving in to her piss poor behavior. I'm not trying to start a precedent that Sherry can hulk over the slightest annoyance and get her way. Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. I think you got to hold strong. um opie is like i'm not holding any money over his head like it's it's all good i pick tommy up from preschool every day they depend on me there are pictures of sherry up yes i don't have any pictures of just helena or just helena and my son in them just larger family shots like again kind of hammering at home and like i wouldn't touch those fucking pictures yeah let her shoot herself in the foot and destroy her own relationship and I hope your son wakes up and sees it.

1:49:01I mean and also didn't they say this was like like a very short relationship before they got married and like a couple months this just seems like a disaster. Wait. Yeah. I like I know everyone kind of chimes in and has their own stories about this like I really do think you should wait at least a year before marrying someone like you don't really even know them until like nine months to a year and I know everyone always has like their like exceptions to the rule of like well I met my husband after two weeks and we're still together 14 years later yeah that's cool but for the average person they don't get that lucky yeah and I would rather be safe than sorry I'd wait a little bit absolutely just seems like a disaster that's not waiting to happen it's like begun happening and it's just going to get worse.

1:49:52Yeah, I think so. This episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam-packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go-to place to find those fits. I just went to Europe and basically every single one of my outfits was from Revolve. And I've never, never been complimented more. So whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a summer trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve always has it. Go to revolve.com slash THT to shop our faves and use code THT for 15 % off your first order.

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1:51:18Learn more at nintendo.com slash nintendo switch 2. Games and systems sold separately. Some Nintendo switch games may not be supported or fully compatible with Nintendo switch 2. Games rated E for everyone. Okay we're moving into this next one here. I'm gonna give you a choice okay? Okay. Option one. Am I the asshole for freaking out after finding a secret group chat between my boyfriend and my mom? That sounds like a pretty good one. Or option two, am I the asshole for not allowing my daughter-in-law to join a camping trip and doubling down on it? I think the first one, group chat. Okay, here we go.

1:52:01I am 27 female, my boyfriend is 29 male, and we've been together for three years. We do not live together, but he stays over a lot and we're pretty serious. My mom and I are close, but she can be kind of controlling and likes to know everything. This weekend, she asked to borrow my old iPad so she could watch Netflix in bed. I had not used it in months, so I just handed it to her. No big deal. Tonight, I picked it up to charge it and saw a banner from messages pop up at the top. It was from a chat with my boyfriend and my mom. Title was literally helping her get it together. I know I should not have, but I opened it.

1:52:42Come on. There were weeks of messages. My boyfriend venting to my mom that I am too sensitive and spiraling again when I get anxious. Him telling her I hate my current job and they need to push me to apply for something more stable. My mom sending long paragraphs about how I need structure, how I am messy, how I never finish things that I start. Oh my god. At one point, he wrote that sometimes he feels more like my babysitter than my partner. And my mom replied with a laughing emoji. They also talked about how to present it so she doesn't melt down. Oh my god. I feel humiliated and weirdly ganged up on.

1:53:30I get that people vent, but this feels like two of the closest people in my life building a case file on me. I also struggle with anxiety, and I have been in therapy, which they both know. I have not confronted either of them yet because I honestly feel shaky and kind of numb. Am I the asshole if I call them both out and say that this crossed a massive boundary? Or am I overreacting and this is just normal caring talk behind my back? no because the laughing emoji response I feel like confirms that this is not just like concerned caring talk about her that's that's like oh we're talking shit like we are gossiping about this bitch oh my god this reminds me of honestly like the story where the mom was mad that her daughter or broke up with her partner because it's like why are you on why are you on my partner's side and like not on mine and I guess this is neat like in the same way like an issue between the partner and OP this is just like a completely shocking thing but I I can't imagine this this is like there's this can't be healthy there's a way if you're like if you're genuinely worried about some kind of like addictive behavior or something like really serious.

1:54:51I can understand, you know, talking on the side and being like, we might need to have an intervention or blah, blah, blah. But this again sounds like it's just making fun of her personality. Yeah, kind of everything about her too. And like the minute my partner goes to my mom and says, you know, I feel like her babysitter a lot of times. whoa. I mean, this person is 27. Like, are they not an adult? Yeah. Everyone like has their own struggles. Like she says, I have anxiety. I've been to therapy. I'm working on it. It's almost like, I don't want to be with someone who starts looking at me like I'm a child or like I'm their burden.

1:55:35I don't want to be a burden to you. I want a partner. I want to build this life and go through life together. But if you feel like you're my babysitter, that's kind of a problem. And the group chat name? What would she need? She needs to get it together. Quote, helping her get it together. That does not sound like genuinely wanting the best for someone. That sounds like they talk shit about her and it makes them feel good. And this is funny to them. I mean, I'm flabbergasted the things they're saying to each other. This would break my heart also. Too sensitive, spiraling again when I get anxious.

1:56:18She's messy. She never finishes things that she starts. She needs structure. I'm an adult. Like, also, is this my parents talking about me? And am I, like, 12 years old? How is this a conversation between my mom and my partner? That is so weird. That is bizarre. He almost, like, I mean, he's two years older. Like, their age gap's great. They've been together three years. so like solid footing all around age-wise and like maturity-wise but it's almost like he he kind of like looks down on her absolutely like he's very almost condescending where it's like oh she's spiraling again anxiety like yeah both of them it's very condescending in a way yeah absolutely they're well and they're laughing about it dude no not the asshole if you call them out I really would I think this is like a big breach of trust between you and your partner like yeah if your partner feels like you're not carrying a load fairly or hey you know like you're not handling your stress well I think you need to continue with therapy and develop more positive coping skills like that's fine for them to feel that but they should be communicating with you about it not venting to your mom absolutely if OP was again like actually doing something really bad or really dangerous.

1:57:37And they were genuinely concerned. I think this could be a very different story, but it doesn't feel like that's true on either front. Like they, I don't know. No, no. So I've got comments sorted by best. I think when this post was starting out, because it is only six hours old right now. And I think I said it comes from the two outtakes subreddit. I forgot. Maybe I didn't. This is from the two outtakes subreddit guys. Someone posts this response into here, because I think people were questioning, like, is this even real? Like, this is crazy. And someone says this, I mean, this might be a bot, but I'm 1000 % a real human.

1:58:13And I just found out that this was going on with me Saturday night. And it's been for years. And my mom just wildly shares the most insane personal details. Like, quote, remember when she used to cry all the time? Now she's crying watching Toy Story 3. Oh my God. It was my first time seeing it. The end is emotional. the hell so I don't know if this is a bot but it really does happen someone responds this sounds so violating I'm really sorry you had to find out like that from your own mom this is terrible and I do I don't think this is even that farfetched no like out of all the things we've come across over the years like I could see no I don't think so because again like this reminds me just like of a dynamic between like a mother-in-law that's just way too close with the son-in-law and like Like sort of starts taking his side.

1:59:05Yeah. And I mean, like, I've talked to Justin's mom about like, yeah, you know, something came up with work and it's just like a really stressful time. You know, I wish he wouldn't take it. Like it was a music tour that he did. Right. Right before the wedding. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm drowning. And he ended up like after we talked, he only did a couple of shows and not the full tour. And like it made sense. Like the decision we came to. Yeah. But like before we came to a decision like The news like kind of got sprung on me And I was like I don't really like this Like I just I wish he would like Yeah no that's so normal I think But I was like it's not like I'm like talking shit About Justin Like Justin's so inconsiderate I wasn't like doing anything like that And he starts crying all the time LOL and I feel like his babysitter And when he was watching Toy Story He started crying isn't that so embarrassing No that is crazy talk That's so different It's so different.

1:59:59Like, I think a lot of people when they have healthy relationships with their in-laws can have conversations and like, I don't know, like, I don't know if venting is the right word, but like, just like discuss things, but not have it turn into dog piling on the partner. Totally. Especially to the extent that you have like a chat specifically for it. Like, that's crazy. Yeah. I mean, the title alone, like that shows the intention there. how do you can you put a title on a chat just between you and one other person i don't know and then i would wonder what because they called it a group chat is there like another person in it that's what i would want to know because like you can't change your text message like i'm trying to drag someone at the top you might be able to on like instagram or something like on whatsapp like a whatsapp you can you can change things maybe that's what it is and stuff like that.

2:00:53So I'm like, maybe that's it. Yeah. Maybe it's not whatever. And she was on the iPad. Right. So she probably like logged into some kind of account. Which, ma 'am, it's not your iPad. Why are you logging in your iMessages or whatever you want to get caught? Like, I don't know. Yeah, maybe. Maybe she wanted her to see it. Evil. There's another comment here with a few votes now. They formed a secret alliance about you instead of supporting you directly. That's a major boundary violation, not caring. No, it does. Yeah, it feels like an alliance against her. Dude, that's crazy. No comments from OP.

2:01:35No update yet. So we'll have to keep our eyes peeled. Yeah, very interested in that one. Wow, there is some poor behavior going around right now. What is wrong with people? Why can't we act normally and speak to our loved ones with kindness? That's what I'm taking away from this episode. Why are we speaking so harshly about those that we should love the most?

2:02:01Is that a field goal? What the heck? Just exasperated. Yeah. Tossing up your hands. I don't know. People need to get it together. Yeah. Embrace some happy ho-ho-ho holiday spirits. I mean, gossiping does feel good, but goddamn. I've been there. I've enjoyed some gossiping. Yeah. Yeah. This was a good gossip. Yeah, that's true. A good gab. That's true. We gossiped about these people. Yeah. We sure did. we sure did that's all i got for you guys um doozy of an episode doozy of a month it's gonna be i already know people are coming out of the woodwork reddit has finally felt like juicy again i know i'm like i was really i'm gonna be honest i've been dealing with a lot of burnout and i also genuinely think like i don't want to chalk it up to like well it's wedding blues but like I've been a little like in the dumps like a little blue a little down in the dumps not feeling great um and I just think it's a combo of like burnout and then like I planned like you planned something for two years and then it's just over and you had such a thing that you were like putting everything into and then that came and went yeah so that makes a lot of sense finding myself again yes so I don't know it's weird vibes weird vibes over here but um it's going to be a good month with stories and november patreon was insane we had some really good episodes mikayla was on not just one but two episodes whoa yeah you were on um i forget what theme we kind of were all across the board on like unique experiences slash like some other stuff yeah like the leftovers from but like really good and then we had a really good half with um justin's episode that final story the wedding one oh that is really good and then lauren's um bonus episode on patreon for november and that that's like a two and a half hour long episode over there so if you've run out of content and you need some long stuff go over there there was actually a story from the people are ill theme that i deleted i just never made it into editing somehow i like removed it when i was setting up the episode to then pass off to my editor Jenna and my silly self deleted it.

2:04:18So there's some really good stories from the People Are Ill theme over there along with just a bunch of other chaotic ones. So head over there if you want more. Need a little extra this holiday season. Yeah, the Patreon isn't like just leftover stories. Like some of my favorite ones are over there. I know. Like I I honestly feel like I I try to like make a very balanced between you know what's over here on this side of the things versus what's behind the paywall but like I don't know what it is but I feel like every co-host like we kind of like recognize oh no no like we're behind the wall and like things get a little more chaotic over there.

2:04:56Things get a little rowdy. I think you're rowdy here but Patreon's a lot of fun, super intimate community. I'm doing a live show with Patreon actually December 11th. If you can't make it, it will be posted on Patreon. It's a live show with me. Chris Clemens is one of the co-hosts and Lily from another podcast that's really big on Patreon. So it's going to be a really fun month over there. And that's going to be for everyone on Patreon. Oh, that'll be so fun. All members, even the free tier. Oh, cool. Yeah. So just come over and join. You don't even have to pay. There's a lot of content that gets put that's totally free.

2:05:32Yeah. And then you get a little community over there. Yeah. The comments are so nice. I know. It's really fun. It's really fun. But that's all I got, guys. Thank you so much for being here and being here another year. It's crazy. Next year is 2026. I know. It's not an even number anymore. Well, like in the sense of math. Yeah. Yeah, no. Like 2025 just feels like such a like that's a year. 2026 is like is that even a real year i like still remember being a kid and like doing new year's eve and the glasses were 2000 or 2001 yeah glasses were the zeros like those are the best years and now here we are two zero two six what does that look like i guess you could have a six a six hole and a zero hole and you make the two in the between really tiny designers reach out yeah she's got it but it's crazy it'll be five years of two outtakes in february oh my god insane 2021 is when you started wow february like 11th or something time flies time flies when you're having fun and you got a good family on board with you that's all she wrote though guys until next time bye

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