254: MORE Updates!

29:46And it's easy to be insecure. Like, I'm insecure about stuff. Like it's just like this little venom bug. And it's just like, it's hard. But at the same time, I think you said you had a comment where you're like, just because you're dealing with something doesn't mean you can make everyone miserable because of it. Yeah. And that's the reality. It's like we all have our own issues. We're all battling something. But you need to address it. It's not everyone else's problem. And they shouldn't suffer and be made to feel like shit because you feel inadequate and less than. Yeah. Especially this poor 24-year-old girl who's just trying to become friends with her fiance's friends.

30:23I know. And how hard would that be? I'm so curious how they met, but that's besides the point in this story. I know. Why can't when we read a Reddit story, every single person involved also write their version of events? And then we can put it together. I need a full synopsis of the friend group. Yes. How everyone met. A full timeline. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Okay, moving on to this next one. Okay, so this one is coming from A-I-T-A-H. It is titled, Am I the asshole for making my daughter's boyfriend buy a new t-shirt? Okay, can you please settle a mild dispute for my family? The 23rd of December, my daughter's 19, boyfriend 19, came over for dinner.

31:10We had a dinner then because he's going away with his family for Christmas. He arrived, rang the bell, and I answered the door He came in, took off his jacket And that's when I saw it He was wearing a t-shirt that said Quote, it's not gonna suck itself

31:31That is not what I was expecting I took one look at that shirt And asked him if he had any money He said no and asked why I told him that that shirt showed a marked lack of respect for both my daughter and my wife. I pulled two 20s out of my wallet and quietly ushered him back out the door and towards the Walmart three miles away and told him to buy a more respectful shirt and then come back with it on. Mind you, this whole exchange took place between him and I without an audience. He was gone for 15 minutes, came back with a nice polo shirt on. We had a nice dinner together and nothing was mentioned about the incident.

32:19The next day, my daughter came to me and her mother and told us what I did, how I humiliated him. Oh my God. They aren't in breakup territory or anything and no yelling or anything of the sort went on. My wife did tell me I could have handled it differently. So Reddit, am I wrong for handling it this way? And if so, how could I have handled it? He handled it perfectly. Splendidly. Are you kidding? This was an eloquent way to teach him a lesson about tact, appropriateness. Do you have any fucking respect showing up to your girlfriend's family's house in a shirt that says it's not gonna suck itself?

33:01Are you kidding me? In front of her parents? In front, yeah, in front of her parents and in front of anyone. I like I hate that I hate that that's so disrespectful like and you're with your girlfriend like insane I'm googling pictures of the shirt from what I can find online especially I've seen that before well given the context like this is the holidays too I'm assuming it's this one that has like a big candy cane on it and it just says it ain't gonna suck itself with like a candy cane kind of wrapped up. Yeah. We all know what it means though, right? Like it doesn't matter if it's a candy cane.

33:38I mean, it could be that one. Yeah, I don't know. It could be this lollipop version. There's also one that just has the text on it and an arrow pointing down. It could be any version of that shirt. They're all bad. I mean, maybe it's a seasonal one. Sounds like this kid doesn't potentially have the money to be just buying seasonal specific shirts in that way though. I feel like I wasn't doing that when I was younger. Getting a Christmas themed it's not going to suck itself. This is insane. Like there's another version of it with like a guy in a sombrero doing a dab with a tequila lime shot thing in his hand.

34:15Like it's just either way it's a reference to suck my dick and you are at your daughter's family's house and I am shocked that the daughter and the mom are both like oh you could have handled it better. Like what he could have been way worse i would have punched him in the face you come to you come with my child in tow wearing a shirt that says it's not gonna suck itself i am beating your ass what i am like you're leaving with bruises like i i don't understand who do you think you are i don't understand in what world he ever thought that would be appropriate have some respect for my child this is also how old are they again like 17 they're not even 19 okay well still that's teenagers first year of college even if your kids are out of the house old enough to be sexually active like i feel like it's not one of those things you want to they could be 35 and it's still inappropriate and disrespectful dude it's so it's so interesting and this is like a conversation that's come up a lot lately when people like start trying to get pregnant they're like yeah we're you know we're actively trying and like they have these like intense conversations it's like it's like so you're coming inside okay thanks great uh-huh it's like okay everyone be mature but it's like I know it's just not my ideal vision and this is this is much worse I also just feel like how much could he care about and respect his partner if he like looked at himself in the mirror and didn't even think, oh, this might come off as disrespectful or like, oh, I want to, I want to make a good impression on her parents.

35:55You know what I mean? Like when my parents met my last boyfriend after he left, they were like, yeah, it was good. He seemed, he seemed nervous, which made us feel better because it showed he cared. And like, you know, like all of those things, it's like, there are things that people do if they really value the person they're with. and I don't know where that's just on so many levels the dad could have done worse and I support him in all future endeavors I think he did great he didn't even mention the incident yeah he kept it discreet he was gone he went to Walmart 15 minutes away there and back he's prim and proper like this is a win-win and then he'll think twice because it wasn't appropriate this was you going to your girlfriend's house and celebrating Christmas with her family.

36:46Yeah. Put a nice shirt on. Like you're showing a lack of respect for your girlfriend, her body, your girlfriend's family. And he could have worn like probably the most raggedy shirt as long as it didn't say something sexually offensive about their daughter. Yeah. You know, like it's not even about it being a nice, he should have worn just a nice shirt, but it's not even about it being a nice shirt or not. It's about what it said. It's the message. Yeah. Top comment. You were very classy about it and even gave him the opportunity to get a new shirt instead of just going home and changing. Not the asshole.

37:19Next comment. And paid for the new shirt. Kid probably spent$15 on the shirt. So he's probably up$25 too. Yeah. Giving him$40 for a shirt at Walmart. He's got change. I hope he gave him the change. He probably pocketed it. Asshole. I was actually, I did some angel tree shopping at Walmart this year. I didn't know you could take the angel tree things and go to other stores. So I just did it there. But like, especially if you've got a little kid, kids go through clothes so quickly. Their clothes, kids' clothes prices were so good. Yeah. No, children's clothes prices are very affordable. And they're cute.

37:56Yeah. Like I, it's nice because I do have like a niece and a nephew and I've been getting them stuff. And it's like, some of it is more, but it's such little fabric compared to adult clothes. so it's like able to be less expensive. I had a good time. I love shopping. And I know everyone like, it's like I get confused where you can and can't shop these days. I love shopping. So drop any good racks. Not that I need baby clothes. My mom's got all my baby clothes in bins. So I'm hopefully not gonna have to buy anything. Okay, we do get an edit. Oh wait, oh my God, I forgot it was the updates episode.

38:28This is my Christmas. I'm 57 and a long haul truck driver. so I've had my share of bad moments. Most of us guys here can remember stupid things that we did as a teen, even into our 20s. The one that stands out for me are the ones where someone didn't react with anger or malice. They were the ones that someone reacted with constructive kindness. One where a quiet redemption was offered, where a mirror was quietly held up to my behavior. Those are the ones I learned from and appreciated the most. Hopefully he comes out the other side with a new appreciation for kindness offered quietly and without fanfare.

39:04Just my thoughts. I mean, that's all nice to say, but I do think the boyfriend's reaction to all of it and like complaining to the girlfriend in private kind of shows that he like isn't taking this in a way that makes me feel hopeful that this was a moment for change. I mean, like he needed a kick in the butt, but I don't know if he heard it. You know what I mean? We get more updates. That was just the edit. Oh, Oh, okay. That was the edit. So update one. After reading these comments and listening to everyone's point of view, I sat my daughter down this morning and asked what her boyfriend actually said to her.

39:42This changes my opinion of him too. Apparently, he had not told my daughter what the phrase was on the shirt, but did tell her accurately what I said to him and asked him to do. He didn't use the word humiliated. That was my daughter's interpretation. her rush to defend him came from our examples apparently she took notes of times i've defended my wife and vice versa she also took note of our disagreements in private after the fact she's going to talk to him when he gets back tomorrow to follow up on why he thought the shirt was appropriate for a family setting i'll update again after that conversation okay this explains so much because i was so confused why the daughter and the wife were like coming at him with that energy and now it's like, oh, he didn't tell her what the shirt said?

40:34Which is the whole context of, hey, your dad made me go to Walmart to go get a new shirt. What was up with that? He humiliated me. What was on your shirt? Why would he make you change? Yeah. And him not saying that shows he knows there's a problem with it. Uh-huh. So like, what are we doing? Update two. My daughter called him about an hour ago and this will be informative. She asked him why he had not told her what the shirt said when he talked to her. His reply was telling, quote, because it was embarrassing. Right. So now why are you trying to, like, oh my God, you could have just skirted by this incident then if you hadn't brought the dad into it like this.

41:19Then she went on to ask him why he wore it originally. And he admitted that the shirt had been a gift from his older brother, 21, and that the older brother had dared him to and called him a chicken when he objected. Dumb sibling crap, apparently. She went on to tell him that none of what he'd done was cool and that she really liked him and that he had always been kind to her. She said she wasn't breaking up with him, but that these steps needed to be done. First, he needed to explain to his parents the entire situation. Second, he needed to show up in person to our home and bring the money for the shirt and, as she put it, put in a whole ass-kissing session that included the explanation of the dare, etc.

42:04She said that if this was handled well, they could talk about moving forward and what that looked like. After the phone call, she talked to her mom and I and admitted that she forgot her worth. She said that I, as long as she had been alive, had never gone out of my way to embarrass her mom and that I had always been respectful and not let anyone be disrespectful to her mom. That made me feel good. So she wasn't going to settle for less. Good for her. I'll update after his visit later tomorrow afternoon. Good for her. Putting down those rules. I love it. The, oh my God, my brother dared me and said I'd be a chicken.

42:40Say, okay, then I'm a chicken asshole. I don't want to disrespect my girlfriend in front of her parents. Or you wear it out of the house and then change in your car. But also just like doing a dare to not be called a chicken makes you a chicken. Like that makes you a bitch. Like, are you kidding? You can't handle your brother being like, oh, you're a chicken. Stand up for something. Be a man. Yeah. Update three. Oh! This will make most of you following this saga laugh. I received a call this evening from Mr. Boyfriend's parents. Firstly, they are mortified and extremely apologetic. Also, I feel like these kids are still in high school, like with the parents being involved.

43:25I know, but 19 is really young. They could be seniors in high school and just old for their grade. They could be or like going to a community college. Still living at home. Still living at home. Yeah, like a nearby college. Very true. Secondly, and the whole best part of this update, I have their permission to squeal, is that his parents are on Reddit and commented on my post in support of the way I handled the situation. What? You're kidding. They told me that they love my daughter and that we had raised her right and had not raised their sons to show this level of disrespect for anyone, let alone his girlfriend.

44:05Apparently, boyfriend was following up on one of my daughter's conditions and went to talk to his parents. As the story unfolded, his mom reached for her phone, opened Reddit and yelled, is this about fucking you? To quote his dad, quote, as the son read the first half paragraph, he died a little inside. So anyways, they are going to come to dinner tomorrow evening with boyfriend. More updates tomorrow night. That's great. This is very vindicating, I'll tell you, because in the original post, I was like, why is everyone saying that the dad was wrong? But once they heard the actual story. It sounds like every single person, including the kid's parents are like, you were right.

44:46Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is good. Update four. Dinner was very pleasant. Let me say that his parents are great. Boyfriend showed up with red roses for my daughter and yellow roses for my wife. He offered what I thought was a very sincere apology and a card with the entire$40 in it, even though he'd given me the change and receipt on the original night. I cooked tonight to give my wife a break. I made an Indian dish called butter chicken with basmati rice. Neither had eaten curry before, but loved it. Woo-hoo! As it turns out, older brother is the family athlete, JV soccer, varsity soccer, and sports scholarship for soccer, the quintessential jock.

45:29Little brother is the exact opposite, artistic. He's got real talent, sensitive, quiet, and felt like he never measured up to big brother and works to gain big brother's respect. Brother takes full advantage of this and exploits his little brother for shits and giggles. Near the end of dinner, daughter says, I think I'll keep him around for a little longer. You guys okay with that? We are good with that for now. His mom is the boss, though, for thinking outside the box. As punishment to older brother, mom went into his clothing, drawers, and closet, took every shirt off of him, and bought him eight very bright pink t-shirts that he'll wear until he realizes just how damaging exploiting someone anyone is.

46:12His access to cash is also cut off until the lesson is learned. Wait, how old are they? I keep getting so confused. Older brother's 21. Oh, oh, she's... They're cutting off the older one. Okay. Pink shirts, no cash. I was cut off at... I was living my life at 21. But okay, sure, right, yeah. Again, take over what you will. Anyways, a successful night with new friends was enjoyed. Hope this was the update you hoped for. Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm open to change. It looks like, you know, if everything works out from here, their families have a great relationship. That's always fun. It's nice that he was vindicated on all sides in this way.

47:01I think so, too. And it's kind of nice, like, older brother is getting a taste of his own medicine. Like, someone on the Best of Redditor update comments, Oh, what a delicious punishment for the older brother. I know plenty of guys who could have confidently rocked pink, but if his mom specifically chose it, you know it's going to hurt him. Yeah. And he's probably in college, like, he's getting a ride or whatever for soccer in college, but I'm sure mom and dad are still sending him money for everything else. I feel like guys can wear pink in college and everyone's like, oh, that's so cool that you're doing that, bro.

47:38Frack guys, they're wearing the hell out of salmon. Are you kidding me? They love pink. They love fucking salmon pink shirts. But his mama knows. Seen it left, right, center. She said, my son don't rock pink. Yeah. And now he's got eight t-shirts. That's all he's got is pink. Yeah, it's sort of like it's a good punishment, but it's really not like that, like terrible yet. No, no. I mean, it could have been worse for him, but all around everyone wins. Lessons were learned. Lessons were learned. Showing up with the flowers after. That's so funny. I mean, it's clearly his parents' money. It's really, it's cute though.

48:15Yeah, sure. Of course. I mean, I remember, I don't know, I started working really young. I was like 15 when I got my first job at Perkins. and so like I bought everything with my own money high school college like I had some help with rent here and there but I don't know I just feel like he's using his parents money because they're talking about cutting off their 21 year old son true so I'm just like I don't think these kids are yeah I don't know it doesn't sound like anyone has a job I mean you didn't have money to go buy the new shirt in the first place but I like it I think um this is a happy ending by totally no it Yeah, it's a happy ending.

48:53Happy for all of them. You know, stay on track. Stay the course. Follow the lessons your parents have given you. Don't follow the lessons of that older brother. And I hope the older brother also, you know, like, why are you messing with your young? This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Season is changing. Time to clean out that closet and maybe make some extra money in the process. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell your clothes you no longer wear and get more value out of your wardrobe. It's super simple to use and with no selling fees. So you keep what you earn. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted.

49:31Download the Vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees. This episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam-packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go-to place to find those fits. I just went to Europe and basically every single one of my outfits was from Revolve. And I've never, never been complimented more. So whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a summer trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve always has it.

50:09Go to revolve.com slash THT to shop our faves and use code THT for 15 % off your first order. Fast shipping, easy returns, it just makes everything easier. That's revolve.com slash THT. You can shop our faves and get 15 % off your first order. Offer available for a limited time, so don't miss out. your brother like that why are you setting him up older siblings are mean yeah i got tortured my brother hated me my older siblings were pretty nice to me i didn't get that experience i did not get that okay moving on to this next one this is a weird one could be a little scary i don't know Okay. I don't know.

50:58This third story is coming from r slash relationship advice just posted about a week ago, a little less, six days ago. Wow. It is titled, My 38 male wife, 38 female, admitted to me that she has quite an intense crush on her personal trainer. What's the next step? I hope, you know, I hope that the personal trainer is objectively hotter than the husband. Conventionally more attractive. We've been together for 15 years, married for 10. In that time, she's always done something fitness-wise, be it running or the gym or cycling. About a year ago, she decided she wanted to be stronger. She started doing weights at the gym and she was getting there.

51:47but around four months ago, she said she needed some guidance and started doing sessions with one of the gym's personal trainers. She was really enjoying it, and about a month ago, she upped it from two sessions a week to three. There has been a noticeable change in her strength, and I was happy for her as she seemed really proud of herself. Then this weekend, she dropped a bombshell on me. I had noticed our sex life had pretty much come to a stop a couple of months ago, and I spoke to her about it, and she said that she was sorry. It was just the stress of starting a new job mixed with the cold weather, and she just wasn't in the mood.

52:24I thought that was fair enough, and I'd leave it at that and let her lead the pace when she was ready to again. Well, this weekend she told me that she has developed a very intense crush on her personal trainer, and that while she knows crushes happen in relationships, this feels like gets more. She said she finds herself constantly seeking his attention either at the gym or on social media. She has started tagging him in all of her posts, but I just assumed it was more of a giving credit thing. Then she admitted she has started wearing less and less at the gym to get his attention, which is something I hadn't noticed as she always takes a gym bag with her and gets changed there.

53:08She admitted that the last few times we had sex, she fantasized that it was him, and that's why she stopped having sex, as she felt too guilty. Probably the worst thing she told me was that a few days ago she saw him having a personal session with someone else, a younger woman, more his age, and she saw them laughing together, and that she got jealous and upset, and she had to leave the gym and go cry in her car. She said he has done nothing to encourage this and has been nothing but professional throughout all of this, and he is not at fault. I don't know what to do. I'm crushed. Do I sit back and wait for the crush to stop?

53:48Do I demand she changes gyms and blocks this guy? We've all had crushes in relationships, and eventually they go, but I feel like this one won't. She's being alone with him three times a week and follows him on all of her social media accounts. I feel like distance is how you get over this, but I don't want to come across as controlling. What do you think? She doesn't want to change anything and thinks it will just go away on its own. Can I ask you something? Do you think that there's a time when like that is too honest? Like the details she was giving him, like it kept going it kept going and like I actually don't think you need to tell him you're thinking of him when you're having sex with him like maybe it made her feel better to get this all off her chest but I don't think it actually helps him to know all that I think no like obviously you do have to be honest to an extent of like but you could just really be basic about it and be like I have had feelings for my trainer and I'm very her being like and I've been trying to dress slutty too.

54:58Like why do you need to tell him that? Yeah the last time we had sex I was envisioning fucking him and hoping he would get me off but it was you and I just felt so guilty about envisioning him so that's why I stopped fucking you. And then I saw him laughing with someone and I went to the car and cried. That's delusional. Like what? Why are you telling all of this to him? because it makes her feel better it's just gonna make him feel worse yeah and I think a lot of times you need to ask yourself that like when you're sharing information with people or apologizing or being honest is it for you or them like yeah you can be honest but like to an extent right like honey I just I feel guilty about this crush I have on my trainer at the gym yeah I think I need to change gyms yes yeah because I was gonna say like if you have a crush on someone but technically like haven't actually done anything like at that point do you say something if you genuinely think it's gonna pass and you're not gonna act on it and nothing's gonna like I don't know what the right thing to do is in that in that situation I don't know either like even now I mean obviously these two have been together for 15 years married for 10 right I've been with Justin for seven but like I don't have co-workers I don't have workplace crushes yeah like I haven't I haven't had a crush yeah but like I feel like we both have crushes on the same people like oddly where we're like oh that tv announcer we love him he's so great he's so cute it's different it's different like I don't have a crush on someone I don't think in my last two relate they were very like a lot shorter than a marriage but like in my last two relationships there wasn't a point where I had a crush on someone else either.

56:43I feel like for me, a crush when I'm in a relationship is just like, oh, I think you're cute in like a teddy bear way. Like I don't find you physically attractive, but I haven't had that type of crush yet. If I did have this type of crush, I'm a very solution-based person. I would be in my head, this isn't good. I'm not healthy in the way I'm feeling. This isn't right. I'm going to switch gyms. This could ruin my life. I'm going I'm going to remove myself from this. I love my husband. This clearly isn't healthy for me. Yeah. Going in my car and crying because I saw him laughing with someone else.

57:17No, that's crazy. I need to go talk to someone. Like, that's not good. But would I mention it to my partner? It's interesting because it feels like almost like, was she telling him this for permission to be like, you should explore it, babe. Let's open the relationship. Like, I don't know. I guess like, I don't know. Like, are there any of you out there that you... Thank you. You would share this with your partner and be like, I have this intense crush. I'm crying when I see him with other people. I don't think one or the other is like right or wrong. I think like either option could be right in both situations.

57:52Like I think it could be right to just move gyms, never say anything. and I think it also could be right in another relationship to be like I just wanted you to know I was feeling this way and I knew it was wrong and I value our relationship more so I stopped seeing this person I don't know it's interesting because OP also said we've all had crushes in all of our relationships or whatever so it sounds like maybe he also has had a crush but I don't think it would ever have been to like the extent that he's talking about in this situation no and And like even if you did have a crush, like it's a crush is like more innocent.

58:29Like it doesn't mean you see that person with someone else. This is more deep. Yeah. And you're so emotionally torn up about it. You have to leave to go cry privately. You're married. Not to that person. Like if you saw your husband flirting with someone else, okay. But like, ma 'am, this has gone too far. I will say when he is writing in this, I'm wondering if it's even up to him at this point. It almost sounds like she's trying to leave him. That's what I'm like. Because he's like, what should I do? And I'm like, how many options do you have? Like, does she even still want to be in this relationship?

59:09Or was that like a goodbye? It almost sounded like a goodbye. A goodbye or like she's trying to test the waters of like opening things up. I haven't read the update for this one. I have no idea what we're about to encounter. I'm just like I'm blown away because I totally agree. It's like you don't really have an option besides setting a boundary and being like, I would appreciate it if you switch gyms. Yeah. But at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to switch gyms, you can't control her. And then you have to say, I'm uncomfortable with this. Let's go to couples counseling. Let's move towards separation because clearly something's up.

59:43Yeah. And if you're going to keep seeing someone that you have said you have this extremely intense crush on, then that is not valuing the commitment to our marriage over this other thing. 100%. So I'm so curious. Top comment on this one. Crying in her car because he talked to another client? Yeah. That sounds like a lot more than just a crush. Mm-hmm. Someone responds and they go, sounds like limerence. When a crush crosses over into unhealthy obsession territory, it usually isn't about the person. It's a coping mechanism in order to fill a deficit, so to speak, in her own life through someone else.

1:00:27that makes a lot of sense to me because even hearing that I was like I don't think she would even feel that way if she saw her husband like laughing with a co-worker you know so this just feels like it just doesn't feel like real almost yeah and I don't totally I think it's totally one-sided oh of course like I am not getting maybe he'd have sex with her but I don't or she's just lying about it being one-sided and there is something more going on but she doesn't Then why would she tell him everything else? It's so weird. It's so odd. I did click because the person in that comment about limerence linked another subreddit.

1:01:07And there is a subreddit for limerence support and information. Apparently, it's a term invented by psychologist Dorthory Tenov. And it's from her book, Love and Limerence. it describes the state of being madly in love or intensely infatuated when reciprocation is uncertain yes okay i was gonna say i tweeted this once i was like i wish someone would love me the way people on catfish love strangers that won't video chat with them and it's it's such a thing of like this intense obsession where it's like you wouldn't even feel that way about someone you had an actual healthy perfect incredible relationship with and it's like the fantasy of it all and I absolutely think that that might be what's at play here I don't think like the reality of a relationship with anybody would really be as intense as what you're making it out to be like in your mind but then where does that leave the person that's actually in a relationship with you so I don't know the third wheel yeah like the third wheel to your unhealthy obsession yeah And your infatuation with a reality that doesn't exist OP has an edit on the original post Okay Thank you all for the replies There's too many to keep up with I spoke to her last night and got a bit more information And then went and spoke to him And got some more The drama He has done nothing wrong I'll post an update after work tonight Ooh Oh I'm seated He spoke to him?

1:02:43Yeah Yeah. Wait, I feel like something must have, I don't know, like she must have tried something in order for him to have gone and talked to him. Or he just wanted to know the truth from his perspective. Right. Because what she's saying is a little. Oh my God. Out there. So the update comes three days later. Okay. So. So that's like three days ago. Three days. It came on the 24th. Yeah. Wow. Three days ago. So I spoke to my wife the night after my original post. I said she needs to leave her personal trainer, quit that gym, and we need to start going to couples counseling. She wasn't happy and started arguing, saying it's only a crush and it'll pass, and she's making good progress, and then started to frame it as me not caring about her health.

1:03:29Once she realized I wasn't budging, she started trying to bargain with me and saying, what if she stopped seeing the personal trainer? Could she still go to the gym? And if she started having sex with me again, we don't need couples counseling. I lost my temper at this point, I admit, and I shouted, enough. I want to know everything. Tell me everything you've done. I want to read your messages with him. I want to see these outfits you are wearing. I need to know everything now. She said fine and stormed off upstairs. She came back down wearing an outfit that was a bit much, to be fair, for the gym in a cold country.

1:04:08But I didn't say anything, and I asked to see her phone. Putting on the outfit and coming back downstairs is so funny. Like, I'm picturing her just, like, storming down in this, like— It's a fashion show. Okay. She said she deleted the messages. Oh, of course. When I asked why, she was honest and said she sent him a topless selfie on Christmas Day. when I was downstairs cooking the dinner for her bloody family. Oh, that just escalated so much. She then said that while she's confessing, she also kissed another man on a night out in the first year of our relationship. Oh my God. 15 fucking years ago, this lady's just like, here, let's just, let's get it all out.

1:04:54Yeah. I already knew this because her friend who fancied me at the time told me about it. I asked her, why him and not me? What's he got that I haven't? She said nothing, and it was more about the situation than him. She said she's starting to feel a regret and like she missed out on her youth. She had a boyfriend from school to her early 20s, was single for a year, and then met me. She said she started to regret not having more fun, and she's starting to enjoy attention from other men more and more, especially younger men. So this is just a midlife crisis, but for a woman. When she was telling me originally, she said a couple of times, quote, I'm not planning on doing anything.

1:05:39It's just a fantasy. Unless you want me to do something. Wait, you were right. With a nervous laughter. And at the time, it felt a bit like she wanted to do something, but was trying to frame it as my idea. but I never really clicked properly. I asked her if when she told me she was expecting me to give her permission and she said she genuinely thought because I don't get jealous I would be okay with it. I fucking knew it. I still feel like I wasn't being given everything though. The outfit and the kiss confession felt like distractions and something was missing. Even telling me about all of this in the first place felt a bit like she was trying to get her story in before someone else told me.

1:06:24I said, I'm going for a drive. And then I went to the gym to speak to her personal trainer. I approached him and said, I'm not here for trouble. I understand my wife has been harassing you. He wasn't happy being approached this way, which I get, but he asked me who my wife was. And when I told him, he's like, there's a few. He said he knew something like this was going to happen. He told me that he hadn't trained her since Christmas as he let her go after she had been sending pictures. Plural. Plural. Plural. Not just the one she told me about. He said since then she had kept messaging but he ignored her.

1:07:08He let me read the messages and she had sent 12 pictures over a three-month period. One was fully naked, and when he told her not to send them, she said she was just showing her progress. The worst part was that she was messaging him stuff like, quote, we've had another argument, could really do with a session to burn off some anger. And, quote, he's out drinking with his friends, again ignoring me. I'm so lonely. Neither of which are true. And then she told him mid-December that she had kicked me out and we were divorcing. With the Christmas Day picture, she even said, quote, first Christmas alone.

1:07:56This girl's crazy. And just last week, she messaged him saying I was already seen someone else. I thanked him and asked him to send me them, and I went home. When I got home, she was already gone and just wrote me a note saying sorry. She's at her friend's house, and we've been texting a bit the last couple of days and have a marriage counselor booked for next week, but I think it's done. I'm not even that bothered about the pictures or the flirting or the outfit, the lying about me and our marital status. I don't drink, and we haven't argued in years. I'm downstairs entertaining her family while she's sending nudes.

1:08:35She's never sent me one. And telling him she's alone. I'm working all this weekend to try and keep my mind busy. Sorry if I don't reply quick enough. And thank you to everyone who took the time to read and reply to my last post. I have so many thoughts. And may I start with, okay, so now it does make sense that she was oversharing so much in the beginning because actually there was so much more that's why i'm like for what like yeah why do you feel so guilty if it's just a little crush yeah like why would you tell him every single like thought you've had that like hasn't been acted on but it's because she was overcompensating with those details to cover like the bigger details it was almost like a magician yeah like look over here look over here not over here it's over here yep right here I feel like I mean and then yeah him saying like I wasn't even bothered by the news I was like I guess she's right about him not being a very jealous person like I'm so confused but like she was like sexually harassing this guy yeah no that is horrible getting unsolicited nudes from someone it's just my progress pictures especially a client like you're trying to keep it so professional this is your job and then now you're getting harassed through your work and She's like obsessed with him.

1:09:57It's very scary. Yeah, that limerence, that's a new one for me. I think that that comment was very illuminating. Yeah. I was going to say illuminative, but I was like, there's no way that's... We can make up a word. Illuminating. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. I just, I don't know how also you would like look at the messages of your wife sending to someone else like unanswered like desperate for them and then like not feel like they were settling with you or like I don't know it would just be like an ick also yeah like like you are sexually harassing this man and he is not interested in you like this is icky no and like The thing is with her, this guy kept it really professional.

1:10:46He was not interested, but she was actively trying to cheat. That's the thing. That's the thing. If he would have said yes, she'd been having an affair for months. Yeah. I mean, my friend's boyfriend tried to cheat on her, but the girl he tried to cheat with replied no. And then it's like, well, I didn't cheat, babe. It's like, yeah, but that's. You tried. You tried. It's because the other. I know. No one wanted to sleep with you. So why do I want to now? And her like also bringing up the kiss from 15 years ago. Honestly, I bet it felt good as fuck to finally say that. Like Jesus Christ, holding onto that for 15 years.

1:11:25It's interesting because he almost seems like not 100 % sure it's over. I know he had that little comment at the end. Like, I'm pretty sure it's over. But sometimes like, sometimes people get pulled back in after like a we've been texting again. and we've been talking, especially if he's already not a very jealous person in general and the only thing that bothers him is her lying about him and their marriage, which was crazy, by the way. He's drunk again with his friends. You're slandering his name. He's already with another woman. The drama of this girl. Also, I just can't even imagine this text.

1:12:04Ma 'am, first Christmas alone. Yes! Here's my tits. What? I don't know. Like, it's crazy. The first couple nudes didn't work. You think number 12 on Christmas with a sad caption. Also, I definitely have regrets about like having a boyfriend in college. But like, I fully enjoyed my my 20s, like my early 20s and dating and getting out there. I'm so thankful for that. But like her coming at this perspective of like, I feel like I missed out. It's like, well, yeah, I feel like a lot of people. a lot of people say that though like I feel like we hear that a lot that then like how do you combat those feelings if you're married you have kids and now you're looking back at your life and you're like damn I missed out like why do you feel like you need to resort to like unhealthy habits and cheating why can't you be like hey I'm gonna go on a girl's trip to I don't know Vegas or Cancun or wherever you want to go and like have a good girl's trip why do you have to ruin your life When I was like 15, 16 years old, I dabbled in some emotional cheating.

1:13:11Okay. And let me just be honest about that. Because I was very, very insecure at the time. And like it just meant so much to me that like someone cared about me in that way. And then I grew up a little bit, stopped feeling insecure, hadn't done that in any relationship after that. And I'm almost wondering if like if it's this level of like security versus insecurity and it like feeling better at certain points in your life, like because you're not feeling your best to then get that outside attention because you don't have as much of it like internally. Yeah. I don't know. Like that's just kind of my guess with how this like trends sometimes with like people's aging and stuff.

1:13:54Yeah. But it's just like, this is an extreme, like, I mean, you don't have to harass someone like this about it. No. We do have one final edit from OP. Thank you all for all of the replies. I really do appreciate it. There's been so many. I just can't keep up. Thank you to the people who have DM'd me as well. I really appreciate it. I've decided to not bother with marriage counseling and just start divorce proceedings this week. Wow. Life really can turn upside in a week. I never thought I'd be single again, but here we are. And I mean, like, you know who's not going to be waiting for her when those divorce papers are signed?

1:14:34The personal trainer. No, he's going to get a restraining order. Yeah. I mean, that's insane. I know. Like, insane. She really needs to go to therapy and get some help and just, I mean, she, yeah, she isn't fit to be in a relationship or a marriage right now. Like, this is really the best thing for both of them. I don't think, like, what, even if you were to work on the marriage and, like, try to stay together, is that, is that feeling she's having going to go away? No. And all of a sudden she's going to be like so fulfilled by this relationship and not want to like cheat on you anymore. No. And someone does point out here like, like, wait, your wife started arguing with you about leaving a personal trainer, but he had already fired her as a client.

1:15:26She was arguing to get to stay just to keep harassing him. She's a troubled person. Please protect yourself. And OP replies and says, as soon as she said she'll stop going to him, but still use the gym, it flicked an alarm in my head that something wasn't right. and that to me is like yeah she doesn't even need to talk to him she just wants to see him from afar what does that sound like a stalker it's very joe from you she's just giving really mentally unhealthy right now and yeah i get a midlife crisis i don't know like i i can see how it happens but like you had a really seemingly great supportive husband and you need to now like kind to scale back, get some help, maybe find yourself, go eat, pray, love, go, I don't know, but like don't sexually harass people that are just trying to do their job.

1:16:15Yeah, leave that, Jim, leave that man alone. Also, like just a quick aside, the fact that when the husband came, he was like, which wife is yours and didn't immediately know for sure is kind of crazy given all the context that we know now. Well, she's probably never been like, this is my husband. This is a picture of him. This is me and him. Like, I know, but you would hope that that's the only. This episode is brought to you by Credit Karma. Breathe in. Now breathe out. You feel that? That's the calm of having Intuit Credit Karma in your corner. If you're trying to get your life together in this crazy world, Credit Karma is a great place to start with the money stuff.

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1:17:32And with upgraded hardware, play at home or on the go whenever the mood hits. Learn more at Nintendo.com slash Nintendo Switch 2. Games and systems sold separately. Some Nintendo Switch games may not be supported or fully compatible with Nintendo Switch 2. Games rated E for everyone. The wife of someone that like he would imagine would come to him that way, you know? Honestly, I wonder if that's a job like where you deal with a lot of like inappropriate behaviors from. I don't know. My trainers have always been inappropriate to me. Yeah. What the hell? But maybe. I don't know. Someone let me know.

1:18:16Moving on to this next one. Did we have the siblings but our cousins or no? What was that story we just had? yes and like please don't do another incest story with me like i really like i hate them literally their mothers were twins so this one um i let my stepsister move into my apartment and now she's trying to seduce me no not that one why is it every single one's about a girl this episode i know we've had a lot of like bad women am i the asshole for refusing to attend my best friend's engagement party after she uninvited my husband? I'm interested. Okay. This is coming from AITAH titled, Am I the asshole for refusing to attend my best friend's engagement party after she uninvited my husband?

1:19:07I, 30 female, never expected my best friend's engagement to end our friendship, but that's what happened. We've been close for years. A few months before her engagement party, she asked me not to bring my baby. I agreed. I understood her reasons. Then, about a week before the party, she told me not to bring my husband. Her reasoning was that if I came with him, other guests would ask why I was allowed to bring my husband while they weren't. The problem is, some of our male friends were invited. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We're married, and he isn't a stranger to anyone. He's known her for years.

1:19:48We're a friend group. We've spent entire days together, had game nights with mutual friends, and everyone knows us as a couple. I didn't argue or create a scene. I simply told her I wasn't comfortable attending an event celebrating her relationship while being asked to exclude mine. So I didn't go. The reaction was extreme. She accused me of being passive-aggressive, sent long messages listing every good thing she had done for me and told me to forget she ever existed. She ignored my attempts to discuss it. Later, I learned that other babies had been at the party, despite her rule for mine months earlier.

1:20:32Eventually, she sent a crying voice note saying that she was hurt and that she waited for me to come to her party. I never insulted her. I didn't retaliate. I just didn't attend the party. I simply stayed home because I refused to exclude my husband. So am I the asshole? I kind of like I just I wish I could hear both sides. Like why? I don't know. It is weird that she allowed other babies and didn't allow her baby. Yeah. What do you have? What do you what beef do you have? Like my baby? Now why is the baby in it? like keep my baby's name out of your mouth but like I don't know I would be interested I mean I think the thing is I tend to agree with like the person getting married on if there are certain people they don't want at the wedding like that's sort of or at like a certain party that's a smaller group of people like that could be really hard I tend to think like they should be able to do whatever they want and I think you know if that's a friend group you're probably fine going without your husband and it is a pretty big statement to like just not go but I don't know like I don't know what like what the reasoning was about the husband like is there some secret beef is there like behavior that he does when he's drunk like or is it just a personal vendetta I'm I'm confused by it what do you think I'm curious it doesn't seem like there's any behavior but like you know it's Reddit OP could be an unreliable narrator to me though given like here's all the good things I did for you but I forget I ever existed it just seems like such an insane hurt reaction like she seems really hurt and yeah I don't know why my mind goes here I don't dude I don't know what shows I've been watching heated rivalries about it you think this is toxic Yuri or like I don't know like tell me lies or like I don't know I'm like is she in love with her friend and it's like don't bring your baby because I don't want you to pay attention to your baby I want you to pay attention to me and don't bring your husband because you should be paying attention to me because you're my friend and I love you and you love me so you can't have anyone else like you should just be just be focusing on me interesting I don't know why I'm going here you should write fan fiction like maybe like honestly that'd be a great story and it would I hope that that is what it is because like maybe they'll end up together and it'll be great but I do but I get that I think I kind of came to that conclusion because of the voicemail like she calls and leaves her a voicemail like I was waiting for you to come to my party that almost you told her forget you ever existed that almost to me sounds more like manipulation of like trying to make someone feel bad oh it's but emotional but can I also say like there are things like um she wrote a list of every good thing she's ever done for me that's a certain thing where it sounds really bad but then I could also see from her the other girl's side that she just wrote like you know I showed up for your party even though blah blah blah or I did and like we I did this and it could have actually been more normal than the way that it was written by OP yeah so that's one of those things where I try to like I try to think from the other person's perspective of like is there a way that this could be like turned into more of a negative than it actually was intended to be but yeah I'm I'm curious about like I just wish that they would give us some look into like what the reasons could be and maybe there's no reason because it's because they're in love my one like info question would be info.

1:24:12Is this only a girlfriend's engagement party or is her fiance and all of his friends going to be there as well? Right. Because if that's the case, then it's kind of weird. But I understand if it's like, oh, no, this is just like an engagement party for her. And so it's only her girlfriend's. Yeah. And then it's like, I can't go anywhere without my husband. Like people have those types of friends, too, where they're like, damn, can't we just have a girls night and you don't bring your boyfriend? Yeah. I, yeah, my first question would be like, so why could so-and-so and so-and-so and so-and-so's baby come?

1:24:48But that wasn't like what you were comfortable with for me. What's wrong with my baby? Yeah. What's wrong with my baby? It always comes back to the baby. Like, what's going on? Like, why wasn't the baby invited? So OP does have an edit on the original post. People seem to think she only invited me and not my husband. That's not true. She invited him from the start. Oh. She discussed the party with us, telling us where, when, and who she was going to invite, and even said, quote, I want you guys to be there. My favorite couple. Then, a week before the event, she suddenly asked me to uninvite him without even telling him herself.

1:25:27What is the drama? Like, what happens? Like, what's the drama? Did he send her a nude? Did he send her a top-plus photo saying, first Christmas alone? What happened? What happened? end top comment on the post sometimes relationships don't end they are just complete sorry this happened to you but this relationship is complete i actually really like looking at it that way versus like a friendship ended like no no like the relationship just finished its cycle yeah no that is that is a nice way of looking at it no bad blood we're just we're complete we're good I just I would love more context on this I hate it when they don't tell us like this happened and maybe it's about this or like this is the reason they gave or I don't know I'm so Give me more I know someone comments and op actually responds to it.

1:26:19Someone goes i'm curious were there other single guys around? She might think fit better with you Weird and OP responds no that wouldn't be appropriate since I'm married and just had a baby yeah I do think sometimes comments are on something and other times they're projecting a very specific situation that happened to them you know what I mean uh someone goes if other babies were there were other spouses try to understand why you were targeted I would go nuclear in a friend group that you didn't attend because she excluded both you and your baby and spouse. Have her explain herself to the group.

1:26:57Yeah. OP responds, yes, there were other spouses. She just excluded my husband. And like, on its surface, I'm saying that's fucked up, but I'd love to know if there's a reason. Like, you're telling me it's completely out of nowhere? Like, what is the cause? I know. Someone goes, wait, so other babies and other spouses were invited? Girl, it sounds like she's just jealous of you and where you're at in life if she's choosing to only single your husband and baby out. Move on and never acknowledge her again. It isn't worth it. Not the asshole. I mean, sure, yeah. I think you could end any situation that you have negatively with someone by saying, you know what, I think they're just jealous of me.

1:27:40I mean, a lot of cases like today, it's been quite true in a few of our stories today. Yeah, yeah, actually. But yeah, there's been a lot of jealousy. Update. What? Okay, I want, I need to know more. I need to know more. Tell me that I'll know more. I have no idea what we're about to encounter. Okay. A lot has happened since my original post. So this is a real update rather than a clarification. After taking some space, I reached out to address the situation directly. I explained my perspective and the reason behind my decision, particularly being put in a position where I was expected to attend an event while my husband was deliberately excluded.

1:28:21My intention was to be clear and honest, not confrontational. The conversation made it clear that there was no willingness to acknowledge how her actions affected me or to take responsibility for the situation. At that point, I chose to block her and cut contact completely. It was not an impulsive decision or done out of anger. it was a boundary. What happened next is what truly solidified my choice. I found out that within our shared friend group, a very different narrative had been circulating. Several people believed I did not want to attend because I was jealous, which felt both inaccurate and insulting.

1:29:03My decision had nothing to do with envy and everything to do with principle and self-respect. Because of that, I explained the situation clearly to our friend group, so there would be no confusion. I was not trying to turn anyone against her. I simply refused to let a false narrative define my actions. With some distance, I can now see that this friendship had unhealthy patterns long before this incident, including emotional pressure and a lack of respect for boundaries. The situation was not the cause of the breakdown. It was the breaking point. I have accepted that this friendship is over. I stood by my partner.

1:29:42I protected my family. And I chose to walk away rather than continue a dynamic that no longer felt healthy or respectful. Thank you to everyone who offered perspective on my original post. The feedback helped me understand that choosing distance is not cruelty. It is self-respect. Okay. Ooh. All right. A little dramatic. I protected my family. Okay. You come for my baby. We're done. Right. Okay. I get it. I'd be pissed. Yeah, no. And it's weird that she's now going around being like, she's jealous of me. I know. I also just so funny, like off the back of the Reddit comments, it's like they're telling her she's jealous of her.

1:30:21Now in this one, they're like, she's jealous of her. Who's jealous of who? Are they just jealous of each other because they're in love? Kiss each other already. I'm on board. I'm on board. I'm on board. Unhealthy emotional boundaries. Yeah. Or whatever got said. Yep. Sounds like a very intense homoerotic friendship to me. I don't know why I came to that, but it's still, I'm like. Yeah, I don't know. I just like, I'm confused. I'm confused that like the friend's way of excusing it was just saying she was jealous of her instead of like saying, oh, I didn't want her husband there because he's X, Y, Z.

1:31:03He's creepy. He's annoying. Oh, we hit capacity. I don't know. It's just like confusing to me. It feels like there was something that happened between them. I honestly feel like this is just a situation where the one girl who's now engaged and about to be married is just kind of competing with her friend. And even if it's like a one sided competition, like, have you I don't know, I've had a friendship where I felt like I was just trying to be a good friend and be her friend. And I loved her. And like, I looked at her like a sister. but we had like a big fight and she was like I feel like you're always competing with me and I was like I'm not competing with you at all like we're friends and hearing that it felt like a projection it felt like she always had to compete with me and I didn't get it like I I I didn't understand it and so I feel like that's this like it feels like they're almost frenemies yeah I had I didn't have like this I had like friends in college like makeup mean embarrassing things about me to the guys they were dating but it never bothered me because I was like that's so weird because I was like if you want that man to see me as less like desirable that's your prerogative girl but that's weird I know in hindsight security too in hindsight I'm like all right like it was probably wasn't good but i just you don't want to cheat on me with my friend mikaela because she's she's disgusting and like what what dude i was like i don't really care what he thinks about me so if that's what they gotta do to keep send can some oh my god i can't talk i'm so flustered can some psychologists chime in like how do you make sure that you just raise like strong, secure kids.

1:32:54Like, how do you like, you know what I mean? Because like being insecure sucks. Like how do we raise - I just feel like it's so unavoidable, like at least in certain parts of your life. With media especially. Yeah, and it's like you're pit against each other. And like - Why? I don't - I just want to be friends with everyone. And hopefully that's not like a lifelong thing for most people. And it's just like, you know, a teenage thing or like a this phase of your life thing. But oh, my God, like, I don't know. And, you know, we've said this before. Weddings really do bring out like these extreme versions of emotions towards people, I think, whether that's like I mean, I think competing would be probably like the biggest one that it would like really magnify.

1:33:41it's just hard to know when it's like it doesn't it doesn't feel finished it doesn't feel like oh we had this falling out and that's why she feels this way or this thing happened between us and things have been awkward since then or it's just confusing it's like all of a sudden like she's the one who she doesn't want her husband and baby there like a week before the wedding when seemingly all the way up until the wedding it was fine and she was talking about it to them. Well, engagement party. But yeah, like why now? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she's got ring clarity and now she's like, I really want you to love me.

1:34:17Choose me. Pick me. Right. We have to go back to that. I don't know other. I literally don't understand another reason. I don't know. No, it doesn't make sense. And even just her response where she's like, yeah, she didn't come because she's jealous of me. Why would she be jealous of you? She has everything seemingly that, yeah, like she's got her marriage. She's got a baby. Like, what do you have that she would want? Surely it's so much easier to just say we were at capacity. And I couldn't extend the invite to her husband, unfortunately. But no, she did invite him. Yeah, anyway. I kind of want a friendship like that.

1:34:52What is wrong with you? No. It's exhausting. And then like at the end, we fall in love. Oh, well. And it's like, oh, that's why we've like, that's why we've always had this. Have you watched Teeter Rivalry yet? No. we're done I'm sorry I've been playing video games get off the games I'm sorry episode one tonight remember how long I talked to you about watching K-pop demon hunters and it took you forever and then you watched and you were like I loved it but I'm not not watching it because I like I know that I'm gonna love it have you seen Yuri on Ice that's also gay figure skaters and it's been around much longer and it's great what can I watch it on crunchy roll don't know what that is anime streaming service okay yeah you watch heat rivalries and i'll give yuri a chance there we go okay moving along we got one last one for us here give me something give me something fucked up give me something disgusting just kidding don't do that give me something messy boyfriend says my cooking proves i'm not a gold digger oh well that's specific We have that.

1:36:05What does that mean? Am I the asshole for refusing to promise my best friend 100 % that I won't sleep with a mutual friend? Oh, well, I kind of like both of those. I'm kind of interested. Should we roll a die? Flip a coin. This episode is brought to you by Chrysler. Life with kids is basically a never-ending series of plot twists. One minute, everyone's buckled in. The next, someone's dropped a snack, lost a shoe, or needs a bathroom break immediately. That's why the newly designed Chrysler Pacifica is built for real life. With thoughtful features like stow-and-go seating, hands-free sliding doors, and passenger seating up to eight, it helps keep everything moving.

1:36:46Because family life isn't about the perfect moments, it's about making the most of any moment. Visit your local dealer or Chrysler.com to learn more and schedule a test drive today. Chrysler is a registered trademark of SCAUS LLC. This episode is brought to you by Billy. I don't know about you guys, but I get a little lazy in the winter. I'm in hibernation mode and I grow out my leg hair a little bit. But it's getting warmer and now I'm excited for that first shave of the season. And if you are, then you got to get the Billy razor in your life. It's designed for how women actually shave. Legs, pits, toes, happy trail, wherever prickles decide to show up.

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1:38:09They'll still get it. Yeah. Eventually. Okay, so here we go. This is coming from Am I the Asshole? Again, it's titled, Am I the Asshole for refusing to promise my best friend 100 % that I wouldn't sleep with a mutual friend? I'm on her side. Like, what if they have an amazing sexual tension? I, 30 female, have a best friend, 29 female, of 13 years. She is in a long-term committed relationship, seven plus years, and lives with her partner. We also share a mutual friend, Erin, 30 male. About eight years ago, my friend and Aaron had a brief situationship. Oh, different. This isn't what I thought.

1:38:56Okay. They slept together once and then tried to date very briefly long distance, but it ended because he did not want to pursue anything further. She was upset at the time and it never became a mutual relationship. After that, they stayed friendly for a while, then lost touch for several years and reconnected as friends about a year ago. There has been nothing romantic between them since. Recently, Aaron broke up with his long-term girlfriend. Before that happened, my friend and I had already planned a trip to visit him together, which we have done before. This time, we were planning to stay at his place instead of a hotel.

1:39:34After his breakup, my friend started making comments like, quote, ha ha, just please don't sleep with each other. It was framed as a joke, but it was clear that she was anxious. I asked her directly if something was bothering her. I told her two things clearly. One, I was not planning to sleep with him, and two, I was not comfortable promising 100 % that I would not because I do not like my potential or hypothetical relationships being policed, and I did not feel okay making absolute promises about future situations just to manage someone else's anxiety. I was not trying to be evasive. I was trying to be honest while also setting a boundary.

1:40:20The next day, I reiterated that I was still not planning to sleep with him. Her response was essentially that she was canceling the trip. She said she was canceling because of the uncertainty, and it made her anxious and she needed to take care of herself. From my perspective, this felt like my word was not trusted unless I gave a 100 % guarantee, and when I did not, the entire plan was shut down. I understand that anxiety is real, but it also feels unfair to expect me to give up autonomy or make absolute promises about hypothetical scenarios, especially when nothing inappropriate had happened and the history in question was many years ago.

1:41:00She did not clearly say what she expected me to do differently. She canceled the trip without further discussion. I feel like I was honest, respectful, and that my boundary was reasonable. Am I the asshole for refusing to promise 100 % that I wouldn't sleep with him, even though I said I wasn't planning to? I don't know if this is going to be a hot take. I am not on OP's side. First of all, like, it made me feel like she didn't trust my word. You just said the whole thing is that you wouldn't give your word that you wouldn't. And I feel like I got a little whiplash there. I also just have to say, like, if you don't have any feelings for this person and like this is your friend of 13 years and they have a history and sure it was a long time ago I don't think you can police how they feel about someone that they actually have history with and just like not sleep with this guy and honestly if someone to me was like well I'm not planning on it but I'm but no promises like that sounds like you want to yeah I don't know I'm not saying it's like the end of the world to like sleep with someone I don't know I wouldn't I wouldn't hook up with someone that has had a previous relationship with one of my friends personally.

1:42:12I think it causes like a negative dynamic between you and that friend. I like, I had this happen with one of my close friends. I'd like not even had a relationship with the guy, but like had been talking to him for a while. Many years later, she started seeing him. And during the time she was seeing him, she was very weird to me. Like she acted very different to me during that time. And like, just knowing how it can affect a friendship. I'm like, I don't think it's worth it to just like sleep with a guy and like put the stress on it you know like she feels strongly about this whether you think it's reasonable or logical or not that's your friend and I would just not do it yeah I just promise I'm well I'm usually in the boat of like you shouldn't sleep with your friend's exes yeah and it seems like OP's kind of trying to brush this off as like oh well never became a mutual relationship but that doesn't change her feelings.

1:43:03No. And they did have a situationship. They tried to date very briefly, long distance. Those are Opie's words. So they did try to do something. And I think a lot of times women are just like people get put into a box and like, especially with situationships, right? Like I'm thinking about myself and like, I was in love with this guy. Loved him. If he would have asked me to be his girlfriend, I would have been like, yep, yep, down, down. Yeah. But it was just a situationship. And we slept together and like we never officially dated. Absolutely. But my head was in it. Yeah. And so even though it's been, you know, a couple of years, I can imagine being like, oh, well, he wants to date my friend now.

1:43:44Like, why wasn't I enough? Like, yeah. And I don't I don't know if I would think that way now because it would still be weird. It would still be weird. Like, regardless of how I feel now, it's just like there's so many people out there. Why do you have to go after like my ex like especially when she's visibly uncomfortable about it and I do think OP is kind of like shading her friend a few times throughout the way she's writing this like oh and she wanted more but he didn't and he ended it and like I don't know I'm just like okay clearly for her this was like a she didn't want it to end this is very emotionally divisive for her she's got maybe some of like insecurities caught up in this again maybe like feelings caught up in this whatever it is like just leave it alone you don't have a history with this guy you have no reason or need to to push it and also don't even know if he's interested in you yeah you don't even know if you like him in that way unless you know you like him in that way right want something to happen that's why you won't promise I don't know it is weird like I I think it is interesting like she has a long-term committed relationship seven years right and is still kind of feeling this way Like to me, I'd be like, is there something that your relationship is lacking or is this just a normal feeling?

1:45:00It's just like, hey, please don't eat where I shit. Yeah. It's just like, can we not? Like there's other people out there. But even then, that's like her business with her partner, not really with her friend who she's telling like this will upset me. Yeah. And I think OP's being dramatic to be like, she's trying to take my autonomy away. And like, like I just don't. She's just asking, please don't sleep with this guy I really liked and tried to have a relationship with. Yeah. And I think that's a very respectful conversation for her to have. Like, especially before the trip. They weren't on the trip.

1:45:30Like, it's before the trip. And now she's like, it doesn't even seem like OP is that close with Aaron. It really does seem like the friend is close with Aaron. Yeah. And it's kind of facilitated through the friend. Because otherwise, OP, you could just go visit Aaron still, even if the trip was canceled. Yeah, totally. And if the friend does have these like unresolved feelings for Aaron and is now Aaron single and is kind of wanting for something to happen with him again, like that's her business with her partner. It's really like not up to you to be like, well, she's dating someone like you're the friend in this situation.

1:46:09You can like try to get her to talk about it and like see how she feels and be like, is there something more to this? but I don't know I'm sure there are people out there listening who are like this is a dramatic response this happened so long ago you should be able to sleep with this it shouldn't matter if you've moved on I just I just don't think it matters enough to like put the dynamic of my 13-year friendship at risk just to sleep with someone and that's the thing and like my dad would have a very different take like if you listen to my dad's show father knows something he's like who cares you're done it didn't work out for you why should you stop your friend from being happy and I've had to like ask myself this because it's come up so much on his show but like I'm married I've been with Justin seven years I'm happy I'm healed from all of the situationships and it's not that I'm not healed or like jealous or I'm not any of like yeah anything I don't have any feelings towards those people like the one person like I'm good friends with we chat we connect like me and Justin ran into him at the airport and I we said hi I saw his fiance like Like we're good.

1:47:11But I still wouldn't want my friends to date anyone that like I've previously dated because it's like I also don't want to be around them all the time. Yeah. You're my best friend. Yeah. And then I have to see him all the time again. No. If one of my friends now slept with one of my exes, I would just be so confused and uncomfortable about it. And it's like, right. You only am I weird? I don't know. I don't think it's weird to feel that way. Like, I don't think that that's indicative of any like deeper feelings about anything I think it's just like that there is just like a line being like it's like things touch it like foods touching and also like I think it's a different situation if you all went to high school together and have all known each other and you dated this person at one point and then dated someone else at another point or whatever that might be like if you've all met at the same time but if you're only like knowing of someone through them having something with your friend like there's no pre-existing relationship that you can look back to and be like well I also kind of had feelings at this time and even though you did that didn't stop me you know it can get more complicated in other situations I think when there's high school or college or that kind of overlap involved but in sort of adult relationships and situationships whatever that might be you really only know of that person through your friend.

1:48:33There's no time that you would have been developing your own feelings before knowing that they slept together. That's true. We do get a lot more contacts from OP. No way. Oh my God. OP is just dishing it out. Okay, let's see if OP can swing me to her side. Clarifications. One, this was not limited to this specific trip. My friend told me she did not want me to hook up with Aaron at all, not now and not in the future. And she also said she'd be uncomfortable with me having any kind of romantic relationship with him, not just sex. Two, many people asked why I couldn't just say, sure, no problem.

1:49:12I won't do it. The reason is that this was not framed as a one-time reassurance about the trip, but as a blanket expectation about my relationships going forward. I was being asked to promise that I would not pursue anything with Aaron at all indefinitely. My response, I'm not planning to, but I'm not comfortable with my relationships being policed, was intentional. There is prior context where my friend has tried to restrict my relationships based on her feelings, even when nothing was actively happening, which is why agreeing to a blanket promise felt important to push back on. That sounds like OP has slept with her exes before.

1:49:49In one case during university, I was starting to talk to a guy we both knew. She asked me not to pursue anything because she wanted to keep him, quote, as an option. I agreed and stepped back. She later started dating him about two years after that, and they are still together. In another case, she stopped speaking to me for about two months over a guy she had liked years earlier in school, even though nothing had happened between them, and I explicitly asked if she wanted me to stay away. I was told, do whatever you want, and then ignored. After over a week of no communication, I eventually dated him.

1:50:28That relationship later became my long-term relationship and engagement. Because of this history, I do not feel comfortable agreeing to a pre-promise that would restrict my relationships in general, even though I was clear that I was not planning to pursue anything. Three, my friend's partner is aware that she and Aaron had a brief situationship many years ago. he is under the impression that this is long over and not an issue. Because of that, he has been okay with her staying in touch with Aaron and us traveling to his city. These visits have never involved the two of them alone. Every time she visited Aaron, I was also there, except for one occasion when his girlfriend was present the entire time.

1:51:09There has been no one-on-one time between them since they reconnected. This is why the request for a 100 % promise felt like an escalation rather than a simple reassurance. Someone goes deep diving again and OP's commenting everywhere and they go you were dating her high school crush which you did not discuss beforehand and led to a two-month break. Doesn't sound like a very considerate friend to me. OP responds her crush from the eighth grade while on the third year of uni. So it was her crush from eighth grade and they were already juniors in college. Okay. And I did proactively come to her after he showed interest and I noticed that she might have a problem with it.

1:51:49I asked her to talk to me and went as far as promising I won't date him if she tells me to, which by the way, right now I won't do. That was crazy considering the timeline, the level of the relationship or albeit its absence, but she was upset about the fact he liked me overall and said, do whatever you want, which was followed up by weeks of silence. I'm sorry, but again, at that point, I was convinced that the friendship is over and only then did I go out with him. And again, I would understand if it was a one-off, but it's a pattern that repeats itself. This didn't swing me over to OP's side.

1:52:21I'm still, I think, okay, so the friend is overreacting if it were a one-off, but even OP herself is listing three instances where she's been the one doing this to her friend. So like, I understand why she's like, please just don't sleep with him. It'll make me feel weird. Like you've done it twice. I'm kind of swayed Okay, good Let's disagree Okay, here's my thoughts So, OP responds to another comment here Someone asked, like, has OP Have you slept with other guys besides your ex? Who was the guy from high school Started dating junior year OP goes, no, I've only slept with my ex In our long-term relationship So it's like, OP is not even sleeping around OP is not even really into casual hookups It seems like this girl is just like trying to dibs everyone that's hot, keep her options open.

1:53:17And if guys like her friends and don't find her to be the hottest, most attractive, desirable one, she then has a problem with it. But she's dibsing this guy that she's already slept with and had a relationship with. That, I think Erin's like in a box over here. Like Erin, I get like, she's just asking her not to sleep with him. But I think it comes down to like overall the policing of like other guys. I mean, I think the thing with like her having a crush on him in eighth grade, I think it probably started in eighth grade. I think she probably had a crush on him for a while. You can't have a crush on everyone.

1:53:51No, I know. You don't get to dibs everyone. But then the ones that I do have a crush on, you've dated too? Like, that's crazy. But literally the guy that OP was like, I like this guy. The friend was like, oh, well, can you not date him? Because I want to keep him as an option. because I think two years later dates him but that's from OP's perspective which is why I think that like the friend had already been like talking to that guy I don't know like that one it does sound sus from OP's perspective but I'm also just like I think that that was a situation where she was talking to that guy and then was like can you not and because she actually did date him so I don't know I think I think maybe we can get more in the weeds about the earlier two situations but I just like don't I don't see the issue with story number three or like I guess the original one like story three in their timeline I guess it would be because like I don't think she's I don't think these two should be friends I mean maybe that again they're competing with each other it's just like it's a 13 year friendship though I do like that's true if you've known someone like through middle school through high school through college through adult years like this is bound to happen I feel like because middle school and high school are such small like you hang out with the same people if you're friends I don't think that's true I don't think I ever had the same like I don't think anyone I was friends with I had a crush on anyone I dated or like I had a crush on any of my friends partners or ex-partners but again I'm just like from this perspective of like knowing how weird it can make the dynamic between friends I just again don't think it's worth it and I don't think she's asking to police your relationships I think she's asking about this specific one and this happens what like once every four years oh but it's still I don't know five years I don't know we do get we get an update okay I just want to say like it is really really really nice when you and like some of your best friends have totally different taste in like what you're looking for totally let me tell you I am very unique yeah we are like the best little wing girls when we were going out and like dating because like two very different tastes yeah that's awesome it's nice like I can't imagine this competition and like my friend being like dibs dibs no this does sort of seem like an ill-fated I but they're dibs on people in the sense of like she had a crush on the guy and she didn't grade yeah but she did years in college they still remain friends she just like didn't talk to her for a few weeks because she was upset about it Stonewalling, very unhealthy communication style Sure, but that's not really the same as stonewalling Like, I do feel like that was just a sad reaction to it And they did date Like, she was allowed to date him And they remained friends I don't know, let's see what we have in store for these updates Yeah, I'm interested Update, we talked again She said she panicked because she interpreted our previous conversation as me preparing the ground I would too to hook up with him and reacted to that fear rather than anything that had actually happened.

1:57:04She framed it as a misunderstanding. What's important for context is that by that point, I had already said multiple times that I'm not planning to sleep with him. I reiterated this again very clearly during that conversation. Nothing has happened. I'm not being sneaky, and this was never something I was actively pursuing. After that, the trip was back on. So she's not that crazy. That said, I'm still left feeling pretty uncomfortable about how this played out. Not because I want him, but because I don't understand why I had to repeatedly convince someone that nothing will ever happen when there was no concrete grounds to suspect that it would, other than the fact that we are both single now.

1:57:43I am also still not okay with my relationships being policed in principle. This is not about this specific person. It is about the expectation that I should provide guarantees or reassurance indefinitely to manage someone else's anxiety, which I do not think is normal or healthy between adults. We agreed to put the broader conversation about boundaries and control on hold for now and deal with it later. The trip is back on. Because many people asked, I'm not planning to go to her partner about it at this point. Nothing concrete has happened, and while I have my own thoughts about why she reacted the way she did, those are still subjective interpretations.

1:58:18I do not think it is my place to escalate things or put ideas in his head when no clear lines have been crossed. My plan is to see how things actually play out this weekend, and then, afterwards, have an honest conversation with her as a friend about why this situation affected her so strongly, especially given that their history was eight years ago and she is in a committed relationship now. Wish us all luck. I will update everyone after this weekend. I don't like her. I don't like her. I think she's mean. I kind of like I get it. I don't like her the way that she like words everything. And I think part of this is me just trying to be more suspicious of OP and like the person writing in in general, because it's like all we get is their perspective and I think that that already gives bias in their favor so if there's something like a little bit off in what they're saying like I'm gonna jump on it more I think and I'm the opposite I'm like this is all we have like you can kind of you can kind of be like maybe an unreliable narrator but like for me I'm like I believe her her I mean I believe that the situation is what she's saying I just don't think she's really right in this situation like I think her saying that she had no reason to believe I wouldn't, it's probably because you just kept not saying you wouldn't.

1:59:38I understand, though. But like she is saying, like, I don't have plans on sleeping with him, Carl. That to me sounds like you want to, though, like setting the stage. Like, I would also take it that way. That's how it read in my mind when I was hearing it. And I think for her, she's just like, I'm tired of being told what to do. Like, I think based on that, like, we are going to have a conversation. it sounds like there's other things like we agreed to put the broader conversation about boundaries and control on hold for now that's because she's calling this control she's saying she's controlling her by saying don't sleep with my ex so i'm wondering if there's other instances that are maybe going into this i don't know why i feel so strongly about this i'm like i need to take it down a notch i need to take it down because it does seem like it seems like our writer is very triggered by this request of like hey please don't sleep with this guy that i had a situationship with which i think yeah i think it's fair but it seems like op is like responding based on her triggers and it's like i'm not planning on sleeping with him but i also don't want to be controlled yeah it seems like i don't think that is controlling i think that's a very normal request for a friend to make of another friend.

2:00:50And honestly, I don't think it should even have to be a request. It shouldn't. But like, it's nice that it got set up front. It's fine for OP to be like, yeah, I'm not planning on sleeping with him. But like, but I'm not going to promise I won't. Like, how would you take that? I'm not planning on it, but I'm not going to promise I won't. I, you know, it's, they're two adults. I, I do think it's kind of interesting. She even said it based on having a seven year long relationship. Yeah. I go back and forth on this one. Like I'm honestly really, really torn and there's one final update. We'll see if it lands us anywhere else.

2:01:24That would shock me if I switch sides. Final update, which is coming 11 days from that last post I just read. The weekend ended up going really well. Nothing happened between me and Erin. There were no weird vibes, no tension, and honestly, everything felt very normal and relaxed. I also didn't sense any lingering or inappropriate energy from my friend towards him during the trip. After we got back, my friend and I talked again. She clarified that she would probably be okay if we were ever aiming at something serious, but what she was afraid of was us sleeping together casually and then creating awkwardness or damaging the group dynamic.

2:02:03I still feel like this was a bit of backtracking compared to how things were framed before the weekend, but at this point, I'm choosing not to dig further into that. In the end, I actually got what I needed from the situation. While we are both going through breakups, it isn't just about that. I realized we're quite similar as people and talking to him felt easy and natural. It made me see that there's a potential for genuine friendship there. As a bonus, he helped me set up a Tinder profile and I already have a few dates lined up, so that part worked out pretty well. One surprising detail was that my friend's boyfriend was aware of the whole situation and fully on her side, which honestly confused me a bit.

2:02:41I still have questions about that dynamic, but I'm not planning to get into that further. Sorry for the less than underwhelming update and my apologies to everyone who was rooting for me to sleep with him. I am going to throw down these comments. I'm going to find this Reddit post. I'm just like, I don't think it's crazy at all that the boyfriend was okay with it. I think this is a normal way to feel without having feelings for your ex. I think it's very normal to be like, I don't want one, like maybe my best friend or any of my friends, but especially not my best friend to sleep with my ex. Again, if one of my friends were to start seeing one of my exes, like they met somewhere and they really had feelings for each other and I was like, okay, I need to find a way to be okay with it.

2:03:30I guess that is different. I wouldn't want it to happen though. And I would, you know, know if I had a chance I would request for it to not happen and be like this is gonna make me feel weird but you know if you're in love with this person I'm not with him anymore I'll find a way to be okay with it I don't think it was weird for the boyfriend to be okay with it I don't think it was ever like sneaky or suspicious for her to feel that way I think it's it could have been I'm curious what she's telling the boyfriend like I think there's again you kind of question like the boyfriend and the t-shirt story like he didn't even tell the girlfriend what t-shirt he was wearing.

2:04:05But what other way could she it's such a simple thing. Like, I just don't want her to sleep with him. I feel like that'd be weird. I mean, if I told Justin, oh, I have this ex and like someone's starting to date him. I just find it weird. Like he would be on my side. Yeah. But I don't know this whole story. I'm just like, I actually kind of am back on board for their friendship. Can I say the last whiplash? I'm just over it. I like I don't care about them. I think they deserve they all deserve each other they should just have a threesome fuck it the last story the last update I was sort of like okay so everything's fine they were just sort of having like a brief friendship like like the trip was back on after like one conversation they went they had a great time everything's fine people crash out over less I know that's what it's like people crash out over like nothing especially I don't know I feel like these days everyone's like emotionally heightened and rightfully so so I mean maybe maybe they do have to have a bigger conversation of like I do have insecurities with you and people that I have feelings for and it made me feel weird 10 years ago when it happened and I don't want it to happen again it's like a fear of mine like maybe they just need to have a conversation about this clearly like pre-existing fear or insecurity with each other but I think at a certain point though you need to also grow up like if you're upset that your friend like you're in college and some boy you had a crush on in middle school and your friends start dating like I think at a certain point you do have to grow up absolutely but this was I think it adds on to like now it's someone that I had like an actual thing with and I'm scared of it scared of history peeing itself in like in a bigger way yeah I don't know because I go back and forth because the friend is in a seven-year-long relationship with someone that OP had a crush on initially and was close with and wanted to start dating.

2:05:59But it sounded like they just both had a crush on him as opposed to like their being pre-existing history. Then why did it take her two years to get around? Because she was fucking Aaron. She was busy with Aaron, but she wanted to keep that guy as an option. I don't know. The timelines are really confusing to me. They're both competing with each other and it's just like, God, just develop different tastes than your friend or just like expand your circle. very ill-fated the way they have the exact same taste in men. Expand your circle. Like go meet other people outside of your friend group and like, oh, just come on.

2:06:34Like there's, you don't have to compete with friends. You don't have to. Go, she's on Tinder now. Things are going to happen. She's got dates lined up. We're good. Yeah. We're good here. Both of them are, I think, soon going to be in long-term relationships with no chance of overlap. and they're never going to have a problem again. I think they're great friends. I think these are kind of small disagreements in the grand scheme of it. Like it seems like these things like haven't lasted that long. Like three weeks, they had an issue 10 years ago and then like this lasted what, like one week, you know?

2:07:12And you've been friends for 13 years, you're fine. Well, there's a stat that's like if you've been friends with someone for seven years, you're likely to be friends with them the rest of your life or something like that. You have to get through like friendship breaking events. I think it's the same with romantic relationships. Like just because there are issues, like you kind of have to face issues and like work past them for long lasting relationships. Now, that doesn't mean if someone's like constantly awful to you that that's the same thing. No, but I mean, every relationship, romantic friend, whatever, you do need to go some tiffs.

2:07:49You do need to like have hard conversations and disagreements to then further the strength of your communication and trust and love and whatever. Like fighting is not inherently bad. It's how you fight. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And get a colonoscopy. Get your colonoscopy. I'm pretty sure colon cancer awareness is in May. March, actually, my birthday month. colon cancer awareness is in March so we're just getting a jump on it early but eat your freaking fiber my friends like I just saw this um new thing that it literally just I think came out today or yesterday colon cancer is like the leading cancer cause of death or something oh wow and it's most common in those under 50 but of course the colonoscopy recommendation isn't until 45, which by that point can be too late to catch it.

2:08:44And this is where we need to really put pressure on insurance companies. So just make sure you're looking out for yourself, knowing the symptoms of colon cancer, advocating for yourself. Unfortunately, healthcare in America and some other places, it is about advocating for yourself. As bad as America, it's crazy. I don't even know I don't know a lot about other health care systems I had a lot of Canadians come to my hospital in Palm Springs to get their knees and hips replaced but I don't know I would I would take free versus 40k out of pocket but it can be time consuming you could live through pain I don't know their health care system I mean the difference between like paying outright to get a colonoscopy versus not paying and then you just didn't get checked and now you don't know you know I think everyone needs to really keep an eye on that.

2:09:37And I know a lot of people are scared about doing the colonoscopy. There are other methods out there where you can just poop in a box. And if that's the only thing you're willing to do, please do it. But also be aware that everything can have false positives and false negatives. So look after yourself. Okay, friends, we need you here. We need you here. We're here for a good time and a long time, I hope. Why can't we have it all? Why can't we have our cake and eat it too? But thank you. See you over on Patreon if you want any more content. We had three really good episodes for January. True. February is going to be rocking too.

2:10:19I loved our Patreon episode. So good. So good. The comments on it have been amazing. Oh, I need to go look. Amazing. I have to subscribe. No, I'll give you a moderator thing. Okay. Bye, friends. Until next time.

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