264: Step on a Rake!

33:45And I don't want them to yell at me again, even though I can't fucking help having ears. And four, if they are doing it on purpose, then what? I'm stuck here and don't know what to do at that point. So my question is, how can I go about handling this in a safe way so I can feel comfortable in my own house while keeping the peace and having it be the least awkward as possible? What the hell? Oh my God, are you kidding? This is horrible and this is sexual harassment. Yes, absolutely. They're making you an unwilling participant in their sex acts. Like I initially, I don't know if it was when you read the title or something, but my initial thought was like are they using a vibrator and they think it's not that loud but it is so like it's uncomfortable because they know but blah blah blah but then as you were reading it I was like oh they are getting off on the fact that they know you can hear them yeah it's like enjoying being filmed during sex like making a sex tape or like enjoying public sex like that That is something people get off on.

34:54And it is disgusting that they're doing this to you. And at the end, like, very understandable to say, I don't really know how to move forward from this. Because on the one hand, bringing attention to it is awkward and I can't move. But then on the other, it seems like this person is escalating a little bit, like getting louder and... It's definitely escalating. Yeah. It's just, oh, it's just a nightmare. They're definitely involving them in a sex act. It's definitely sexual harassment. It feels like exhibitionism. That's the word, yeah. I would be really curious from like a legal standpoint, since you're maybe subletting what your rights would be if they're creating an unsafe, hostile, inappropriate living space for you.

35:45Like, could you break your lease? I mean, seems like this person might have done this to the person that lived there before. Yeah. Like they've found this person and this roommate from seeing a post online and like not knowing them. Oh my God. That's like a horror story. Which makes it, it makes it even worse. Yeah. It's just some random stranger. I, I don't feel like confronting them is inappropriate. I think you should confront them and be like, Hey, I'm feeling like this is not a safe, healthy living space for me right now. it's very inappropriate that you continue to pleasure yourself with the door open.

36:24I feel like that is accurate. I feel like the way I would handle it is probably still trying to have some kind of plausible deniability just in the sense of maybe bringing up, hey, I think we should talk about some ground rules involving sex, you know, because I have my boyfriend coming over sometime and like we have this. But I think if there's anything sexual going on, we should close our doors and try to like turn music or keep it as quiet as possible. I like that plausible deniability aspect of it. Like, OK, that being step one. Like, I definitely think this other person deserves to get called out.

37:02But I think, like OP was saying, it's hard in that situation to then move forward and not have like the most uncomfortable situation ever. so maybe you could have that conversation and then if they keep doing it it's like hey we talked about closing the doors what happened to that i thought we were shutting the doors i don't know this is scary need me to shut it for you slam like i would start to go insane where i would i would get aggressive and i would slam their door but it is also like a scary situation i feel like there's this part of me that comes out of like clearly a freak not wanting to upset the other person and have it turn into not necessarily something violent but it's just like here's where I'm I feel like I'm a little crazy like I want to get scrappy like point number two what if somehow they don't know they're doing it so loudly and telling them makes them uncomfortable or resentful I don't care about them at this point they've done this now seven times yeah but once they get violent you live with them like yeah maybe you could beat them in a fight but like you don't know what else they're capable of doing.

38:06Well, if they get violent though, there's like, I'd run away, call the cops and then you're, you're getting out of your lease. Yeah. You can't live with someone who's trying to kick your ass. Landlord's going to let you off the hook. Like, I'm just like, I, oh, I'm so mad. I hate also when you're in a, like, I've had roommates before where the living situation became, oh, I just can't use the living room. Like I'm either out of the house or I'm in my room with the door closed and that's what this feels like it's that's not fair not healthy horrible yeah oh I mean you have a roommate now I haven't had a roommate in quite a few years but roommates and roommate problems is really hard it's so much drama so much drama it's so awkward and it's very political a lot of times very and it's over super small yeah ridiculous things a lot of times.

39:02This is not one of those small things, but like leaving pats and pans in the sink, like that's a huge one. Yeah. And like, I wonder if she could get her boyfriend to like just stay there more. Like, can he just stay with her most of the time? I know. For some like safety? I'm not sure. Let's get into the comments and see what the people are saying. So the top comment, I'm seeing too many soft answers, in my opinion. You really need to stand the fuck up and stop that shit in the moment. Put a hard no down and call them out verbally. Quote, what if they don't know they're doing this? Bruh, what?

39:45This is definitely intentional and harassment. Don't start a physical altercation, stand your ground, and let it be known it's unacceptable. No. If someone is this comfortable pulling this, it's just a matter of time before it's something else. Yeah. If they were closing the door, there would maybe be like, oh, they don't know that they're, that you can hear them. Yeah. But the fact that they are keeping the door open and being very loud, of course they know. And then trying to engage afterwards in normal conversation. Oh my God. And they know that you can hear their TV. No, they're into it. They're definitely into it.

40:24There's no rationale in my mind that explains this away. I would literally shout, I do not consent. Yeah. Yeah. Someone goes, like, if their door is open, stand in the hallway and be like, hey, I can hear you jacking off because your door is open. Close the goddamn door. It's common sense. You're making me uncomfortable. And then they go after that. That or file a restraining order. Next comment. I would tell them to cut it out or you're contacting the police. Oh, my God. Next comment. This is sexual harassment. Next comment. People aren't taking this as seriously as it is. It is absolutely a form of sexual harassment.

41:02OP, you need to make a clear boundary. If you don't feel comfortable saying it to their face, you can text them and say something like, I've noticed you sometimes masturbate with your door open. It makes me uncomfortable. So can you please shut your door during those times? If they still try to do it or try to guilt you, then I'd start looking at kicking them out or other living situations. OP does respond, this is what I feel like. Thank you for outlining the text message. I would be nervous sending that text message because I almost feel like the roommate would use that against them. It'd be like, oh, you're watching me masturbate when my door is open?

41:38I don't know. I don't know. I'm scared of this person. I definitely am scared of them. People can twist things. You can even make your text message more to the point, hey, I've noticed that you leave your door open as you're pleasuring yourself. It makes me really uncomfortable. I'm not always able to leave the house. I try to because it's so disturbing to me. Like, yeah, you really want to go down that thing to be like, you're making this an uninhabitable living environment by not maintaining normal human decency and boundaries. Yeah, because if you send a text just being like, I've been noticing you're masturbating with the door open.

42:13I feel like it could be turned on you. That's a tricky word. That's a tricky word. um op does have a couple other comments i'm thinking i could do that or scream at the top of my lungs maybe then they'd get the point i mean the neighbors can probably hear them this is an interesting comment op says they close their door when they want privacy so this feels intentional my door is always closed i also don't think i should have to wear headphones in my own home when i'm watching tv or playing games in the living room or sitting in my room just to drown out their obnoxiously loud and disrespectful moaning.

42:50I have had noise canceling headphones on in past events and I could still hear them as well. What the hell is going on in there? OP says, I cannot make this up. They just started doing it again. So I screamed at the top of my lungs and they stopped, then texted me if I'm okay. I'm going to text them back about it tomorrow when my boyfriend gets back and I'm with him just to be safe. Wait, huge update. So they handled it by screaming, love, love. When was that comment? That was the same day as the original post. Do we get an update? I'm not sure. I'm scrolling up. There's no update on the post itself.

43:36Yeah. A lot of people are like, why aren't you just confronting them? and OP says, because if they're doing it intentionally, then I don't want to get violenced. Yeah, it's scary. Yeah, OP is like, it's almost like some people has to worry about their safety. I'm also disabled and cannot just move out of my apartment because my disability has kept me from working for a while, so I can't afford to do so. And I have to consider that as well. If I confront them and they become hostile, the situation becomes 100 % worse, which is why I'm here asking for advice on how to do it. Yeah, and I think that that was sort of why I responded the way I did earlier of like, there is a way that this person deserves to like for the situation to be handled because they're so awful.

44:19But then there's also a way that OP might have to handle the situation just to get out of it safely or like just to move on in their lease or whatever it might be. And those unfortunately aren't really the same thing. so the original post is five days old the last comment we have from op is four days old haven't confronted yet my boyfriend's flight was delayed so he's picking me up soon and i'm going to do it tomorrow so that would have been three days ago are they okay however we do not have any updates oh my god op if you're out there are you okay i'm gonna send them a chat right now and be like, hey.

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45:36This episode is brought to you by Billie. I don't know about you guys, but I get a little lazy in the winter. I'm in hibernation mode and I grow out my leg hair a little bit. But it's getting warmer and now I'm excited for that first shave of the season. And if you are, then you gotta get the Billie razor into your life. It's designed for how women actually shave. legs, pits, toes, happy trail, wherever prickles decide to show up. It has five sharp blades and a pivoting head so you can actually get everywhere without doing shower gymnastics. And it comes with a magnetic holder so your razor stays dry on the wall instead of sitting in a shower puddle.

46:12Grab a Billy razor in your favorite color in store or at mybilly.com. Just want to make sure you're good. Oh my god. But okay, we're moving on to this next one. This is a bit of a doozy as well. I'm super sorry for everything today. A lot of rakes are needed. I'm worried about what kind of doozy this is going to be. There's so many different kind of doozies. I love the word doozy though. It is a good one. What's another word that would like make sense? A marvel. A wonder. A humdinger. Humdinger. humdinger is cool humdinger this is coming from r slash relationship advice also five days old it is titled my boyfriend 25 male saw an old video of me 24 female and was disgusted how can i get over this i never thought i'd be making an advice post on reddit but everyone in my present life is super split on the issue and can't really relate i genuinely don't know how to fix this.

47:18So my boyfriend, 25 male, and I, 24 female, have been together a little over a year. We met at a literary convention last year as I'm an elementary school teacher with a love of reading and he is working towards becoming an English professor. Our relationship is the first truly long-term one I've had and has had no major issues. He is considerate and communicative and extremely affectionate in both words and actions. Even with people he doesn't like, he is always willing to give the benefit of the doubt and avoids saying bad things about them. This is why what happened last week was so shocking to me.

47:57For context, I struggled with weight quite a bit growing up. Up until I was 20, I was always on the heavier side, which greatly impacted my confidence and life experience. During my sophomore year in college, I had a dramatic event occur involving a group of girls and a prank that made me realize just how much my weight impacted other people and how they viewed me and would impact my future. Following that, I lost 100 pounds in two years and made some substantial life changes, including a large amount of the people in it. The changes to my appearance also didn't stop with my weight, as during this time I changed my style, haircut, color, and the way I did my makeup.

48:37All of this to say, it was quite a dramatic transformation, so it's not unreasonable for someone to not recognize me. In addition to that, the vast majority of people currently in my life only know the me post-weight loss, and it's not something I advertise. Last week, an old college friend of mine came to stay with me as she was attending a wedding in the area. She was my roommate throughout school, so she had a front row seat to the entirety of the events. Since I don't talk much about my time in college, my boyfriend was extremely interested in hearing her stories. His interest was piqued when she mentioned a dance competition we won early sophomore year.

49:18This culminated in her scrolling back through her camera roll to find a video of the performance and showing him. During this, I was finishing cleaning up dinner, and I only walked out when they were actively watching the video. I saw his face recoil in disgust as she pointed out the section that I was in. He asked, quote, the one next to the humpback? My friend looked at me in complete shock and concern, and I knew immediately what had happened. She told him no and quickly pulled her phone away. I clarified that the humpback was me, and I asked him to leave for the night. He immediately looked devastated and started apologizing profusely, saying he had no idea and that he would never speak like that about me.

50:10I told him he just did and said that I needed space. He left after more apologizing and my friend apologized as well, saying that she didn't know he would respond that way. I said it was fine but ended up crying most of the night. The next morning, he intercepted me on my daily run with flowers and coffee and apologized again, saying I was the most beautiful girl he knew. I said it was fine, but I told him to keep the gifts for now since I had to finish my run. I'm pretty thick skinned when it comes to comments about my body, but something about him saying something like that isn't leaving me.

50:48I feel the urge to recoil every time he touches me and haven't been reaching out for the last week. He's noticed, of course, and apparently brought it up to one of our mutual friends to ask for advice. This friend found an old picture of me through a college acquaintance's Instagram, and it's now spread through our friend group. I've had multiple of them reaching out to me saying there is no way he could have known or that it was a fair response and I shouldn't be upset since I knew he was into fit girls. I thought he was into me. I told them to stay out of it and asked my boyfriend why he involved them.

51:32He became furious once he found out what they did and started crying, saying he didn't want to lose me and he didn't know what to do. I tried to tell him it was fine, but he told me he knows it's not because I don't look at him like I love him anymore. I don't know. He's a great guy. We're happy. People are allowed to have types. It's just that nothing feels the same anymore. I can't look at him the same. I don't want to lose him either over one small thing. Is there any advice about how I can get over this? This didn't go the way I thought it was going to go. I thought when she was describing how kind he is and how hard he tries to not say mean things about people, the old video of her was going to be like her being mean or like her like saying something like making fun of somebody and then when the like disgusting thing happened to literally be about her appearance I was like oh my god that's and it's so hard because it's already very difficult I think to look at the most embarrassing times of your life and like have love for yourself in those times like I think that's very important and it's something everyone struggles with whether it was that drastic of a difference or not everyone I think goes through a phase where they're like kind of cringy to like see back on that person and I think it's so important to like find love for them like how do you get there when you see the person you're with like recoil and say something mean for the first time that you've ever heard about you like like they've never even been mean about anyone else and the first time you're hearing it they're they're doing it about you well it's so unprovoked and oh is she the one next to the humpback like and why why did you find it necessary to like dig on this person that you don't even know you could have just been like oh the one next to that that girl and point to the person yeah why did you feel the need to like tear apart this other person it is showing an ugly side of him and this is something that you did as a group, a dance competition, was this with your sorority?

53:44Like, how does he not know that that's one of your other friends? That's what I was going to say. It's either, like, you aren't sure who's in the video. All you know is that one of them is your girlfriend and then everyone else is her friends. So either way, you should be treading carefully. It really sucks. And then Why are all of these friends coming out unprovoked to say, by the way, yeah, you were ugly as fuck. That's a fair reaction. Why are you mad about it? Go step on a Lego. Get out of my face. Also, if anything, it's hurt. Like, I don't even know if she's mad she's hurt. And to be, like, trying to police her hurt about this, it's like, no, I'm going to feel the way it makes me.

54:27This is me. Like, that is me. Even if you want to comfort someone and be like, hey, like, you're trying to make this right. And you don't want to see your friends break up because you know they're great together. And this is a really unfortunate situation. You could be like, hey, I kind of heard what happened. I just want you to know, like, I'm thinking of you. John loves you. You know, I hope you don't take this to heart. Yeah. You can be supportive. But to then be like, there's no way he could have known. I mean, it's a fair response. Yeah, it's a fair response. You shouldn't be upset. You should have known that he's into fit girls.

55:03oh my god I forgot that part so you're gaslighting me that's so unprovoked and then like the way OP says after that I thought he was into me yeah fuck also like no one's ever going to always look the way that they look when you fall in love with them and I think you know it's very normal to be like we're gonna get old our bodies are gonna change like this is gonna change that's gonna change We're not robots. You're going to need to continue loving me through all those phases. So I think it's very reasonable to be like, I would have hoped you would have loved me then too. It almost reminds me of like the scene in Pride and Prejudice where Mr.

55:45Darcy's asking Elizabeth to marry him. And he's like, I, you know, in spite of your family and how lowly they are and how improper they are, I still love you. And she's like, in spite of? Yeah. Like, it's like, just love me. Yeah. Like, it's just me. And it's okay if he's like, not necessarily attracted, like super sexually attracted to every version of, I mean, she was also much younger then. Like, I don't think you necessarily need to look at old pictures of your partner and be like, yep, still would. But I think that's very different from like, repulsion. I think this is a good point to bring up though because we talk about this quite a bit on stories and and I've seen us kind of get chirped for it in the context of some other stories where people are like it's fair that they're not attracted to them like yeah everyone's entitled to their own attraction which I do agree with but what do you do when you sign up to do life with someone yeah and then they change say it's because of childbirth and they're like I'm not attracted you anymore.

56:54It's like, fuck, like, okay, I guess you're entitled to that, but it still doesn't make it any less shitty. And I thought you would love me regardless. Because it has to be deeper than that. Like, yes, attraction is often the first thing, but then also attraction grows. Like attraction is based on more, like the person that you love becomes the most attractive person in the world to you, not just because they are so attractive, but it's because of all the other things. Yeah, mind, body, and soul. So it's very reasonable for you to like look different and still expect them to be attracted to you because I am your like partner in life.

57:32I'm me. I'm your person. I'm pissed. I'm pissed for her. And it is like I think there are plenty of situations where if you're like rejecting someone because you're not attracted to them. Yes, of course, that's like reasonable. But I think when you're in a relationship with someone and you're in love with them, I think it's fair to expect a little bit more. Yeah. How to get over this? I think time. If you really love this person and you see a future with them, I will say he does seem like he's trying to make amends. And like the fact that then he found out that your friends got involved and he's crying.

58:13And I know evil people can cry too. But I do feel like he's genuine in his remorse. I do believe he feels horrible about this and he's like got this constant loop in his head of why did I say that? I can't believe I said that. Oh my God. You know, I do feel that from the little that I know from this story. It is another situation and this comes up a lot in the stories that we read of like having to be honest with yourself. Is this something I can get over? Because I don't think it makes him a horrible person necessarily. necessarily. It's just that's a really tough thing to see your partner say about you.

58:56Yeah. And can you can you get over that? I know I would have to have a really deep conversation, a big heart to heart and just say, like, I feel like going forward, this could create kind of a complex in my mind. Like, yeah, especially what happens if we decided to have kids and I gain weight. Are you gonna think less of me like I does make me nervous about our future and maybe any shallowness I'm like trying to like have a really nice way of saying it but it's just like it just makes me feel very vulnerable and like your love could be fickle I think that's that's huge having that conversation of like if your love for me is just based on this how can I see you as the person I grow old with what if I want to stop running yeah is your love fickle and do you think that way about other people that you don't know like genuinely because like that's just not nice yeah like I want to be with someone who's nice yeah the other option was it was one of my friends and I also wouldn't be okay with you talking about one of my friends like that by the way yeah I would add that I would add that as a part of this conversation yeah and I do think like maybe some couples therapy could be good if you really do want to work on it.

1:00:11Top comment on this one though with 11 ,000 upvotes. Since the comments all seem to be along the same vein, I will just point out a couple of things. One, he exposed how he thinks about women he doesn't find attractive and that says a lot about his character. Two, I think this is so deep for you because gaining weight is always possible. How is he going to react and feel if you're pregnant or if something happened and you couldn't keep up with your exercises. Everyone deserves to feel secure in their relationship. His comment stole your security. Wow, that's really good. I know so many women who have gotten pregnant and have never had their husbands even say anything like this to them, but they still are insecure about how different they look.

1:00:54You know, they're still like, oh my God, I don't feel like my body is my body anymore. I'm so uncomfortable. And so then to sort of have this already in the back of her mind, it is very unsettling. That's a really good point. Really good point. A lot of people respond to that and kind of share their experiences. Someone says this, I had a big glow up in my 20s and my first boyfriend after said nothing above a size 12 should exist. I was like, well, I've been a 14. So in that case, I ceased existing a long time ago. After that, I was pretty careful about who I went on dates with. I started using makeup-free photos when I used dating apps and didn't dress up.

1:01:38The contrast made me realize that while you have more dating options, a lot of these options are worse quality, shallow, etc. Often the signs are there, but in a way they talk about others, not necessarily us, while we fit their perfect idea of what a woman should be. I think that really goes to the fact that it's worse because it's you, but it wouldn't even matter if it were someone else because you talking that way about another woman is like, ugh. It's icky. Yeah. It is icky. Because everything you say about other women will eventually turn on me. Like you might love me now, but when we get into a fight or like when this we go through a hard time when I become unattractive, like if these are your beliefs, beliefs about women or unattractive women or whatever, like women that don't fit your mold of what you find attractive.

1:02:28Yeah. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean you should think less of them. And I think people have a really hard time with that sometimes. Yeah. There was like this little public experiment video I saw where this girl dresses up in like sweatpants and a sweatshirt and is like going through a crosswalk or trying to do something and drops a bunch of stuff. And when she's in the grubbier perceived outfit, people don't stop to help her. But then she was wearing like a dress or like a literal tutu or something crazy. And she kept dropping stuff and everyone just like flocked to help her.

1:03:05people would cross the street like they were going the opposite direction they would cross the street to come help her and it's just like just because you don't perceive someone attractive they're less worthy of help or respect or i mean that's a huge conversation they're like the halo effect even when children are in school teachers will assume more attractive students are and more intelligent and they'll call on them more and they'll help them or they can't do evil things The halo effect is crazy. There's a couple other comments, just, you know, people joking like exactly when I was 24, 25, I was a snack at 37.

1:03:43I'm still a snack, but I've put on quite a lot of weight and it wasn't on purpose. Life happens. Next comment down at 56. I just eat all the snacks. Next comment. Someone's bringing snacks. Where do we meet? And as you should, like you should feel comfortable and safe enough to do those things that you love and not be in constant fear and micromanaging what you eat and how much you're working out and xyz because if you don't then you will not be loved anymore there's another comment here with 13 000 upvotes you've just found out that he is one of those people that would have treated you like that group of girls in college did he would currently treat you that way if you were still overweight not wanting to date someone that is overweight is okay, but treating them like they're less than human is not.

1:04:33And calling whoever he thought that was in that picture a humpback is treating them as less than human. He may seem great to you, but he wouldn't be if you were fat. And how would he treat you if you got pregnant? His values are subpar. Also, like, compared a woman to an animal. Humpback, hunchback, like all of the humpback whale right i was the implication which basically like who's that whale yeah okay he said a specific breed of whale still meant to infer whale yeah and a lot of people just kind of keep going down the rabbit hole like it says a lot about him your boyfriend calls fat people humpback what a disgusting guy i'd break up over him calling someone else that let alone me and fortunately we do get an update no way it is one of the longest updates i've seen in a while oh god i have not read it i actually just fucking found it as i went to go look for opi's comments so i have no idea what we're about to get into we don't even know if it's negative or positive i have no idea i'm so scared and god i have to pee and i'm like i genuinely don't think i can read this without peeing because I'm so scared I might pee my pants.

1:05:50So. Okay. Pee. Go pee, girl. I'm so scared. Okay. Here we go, y 'all. Update. I want to start by saying how amazed I am by the amount of support I've received in the last few days. It's been very overwhelming in a multitude of ways, and I genuinely feel the love, tough or otherwise, through the screen. Also, I've never done this before, I'm not completely certain on proper update procedure, so I apologize if I missed something rule-wise. Before we get into it, I want to clarify a few things really quickly. My boyfriend has been aware that I had a weight loss journey since pretty early in the relationship.

1:06:29Though I've been extremely lucky in the loose skin department due to a trainer who knew what they were doing and my naturally curvy body type, I still have a substantial amount of stretch marks. We've spoken about it, but I haven't felt the need to share exact numbers. I know now he thought it was closer to 25 pounds of loss, not 100. This is why I brought up the other changes in my appearance as to why it was reasonable for him to not recognize me. Additionally, I've never been big on social media and I live in a different state than I grew up slash went to school in, so there aren't a lot of ways for people to stumble upon what I used to look like naturally.

1:07:05I understand why there was some confusion as to how this hasn't come up before, so I hope that gives a better idea. Like I said, I don't really feel the need to talk about it but it definitely isn't treated as some dark secret like some of you were imagining. Also, I do my runs before work as luckily my school district has a later start time for elementary and typically stay late on Mondays so my boyfriend likely thought catching me on my route would be the only way he could talk to me in person that day. Gifts and gestures are a big part of my love language so the thought was there but it definitely wasn't the time.

1:07:40Lastly, to those who were curious as to what my type was, my boyfriend is actually on the huskier side himself. I've always liked broader guys, so weight has never been a huge issue for me. Apparently, after our conversation on Saturday, my boyfriend talked to the mutual friend and called them out for digging for that photo and betraying confidence. I know this because in tandem with hundreds of Reddit comments, I woke up Sunday morning to find a lengthy voice note from her. She called me a liar for not being upfront with him or the rest of our friends about what kind of person I used to be and accused me of trying to isolate him from a support system that actually cares about him.

1:08:21Wait, who? Who was this mutual friend? The one that was texting her? Not the one who accidentally showed the photo, right? No. That person seemed like normal and like it was truly just a genuine mistake. Also, that person didn't have a problem with how she looked. They were friends. They were roommates. They lived together. Yeah. So it's not like she's sharing this like big, horrible thing. Right. That's just her friend. Yeah. And he asked, I was like wondering how that was going to go come about. Yeah. It sounded very natural. Like this is the friend that the boyfriend reached out to to like try to get a second opinion on it.

1:08:58Okay. And then that person went and dug for photos and shared it with the friend group. Okay. Right, right, right. This also feels like kind of a red flag. Like, why is your closest friend interpreting the situation this way? It's extremely weird. In the midst of this tirade, she let slip, likely intentionally, that she couldn't believe he was actually planning on proposing to me.

1:09:24Oh, she likes him. That motherfucking bitch. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, how dare you isolate him from a support system that actually cares about him. I can't believe he was going to propose to you.

1:09:44Oh, this was how I learned about that. So clearly, as one might imagine, I was very overwhelmed. Suffice to say, she was blocked immediately. My phone was quickly put on do not disturb, and I ended up taking a me day, mostly to distract myself, if I'm being honest. In other news, Project Hail Mary was great. So good. So good. And I found a really cool tree-shaped bookshelf for my classroom while thrifting. Reading through the comments that night, I was extremely disheartened. I know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't 95 % of people telling me to break up with him immediately. My heart was broken hearing some of your stories, and I was deeply touched by the honest care put into the advice.

1:10:28After some ruminating, I ended up going to his apartment late last night. He looked happy when I asked if we could talk and said we could do it there since his roommates were out. Honestly, I had a clear plan about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, but it very quickly went out of the window. I started with telling him that what happened really hurt me and was flabbergasted when he immediately started tearing up. When I asked him, he said that he had been absolutely terrified the last week because he had never seen me shut down like that, and that he was relieved I was willing to talk about it now.

1:11:00I was taken aback, but also realized he was right. We are extremely communicative normally, but I hadn't been at a place to talk about this issue, even though he's brought it up several times. Even now, going back to reread my first post, I was completely locked down emotionally, which I don't blame myself for, but it's fair that it was staggering for him. His last relationship was extremely emotionally manipulative, and the silent treatment was a big thing his ex used to punish him with. I think that's why this scared him so much. I apologized for not being honest with how I was feeling, even if I wasn't ready to talk yet, and asked if he was willing to discuss it now.

1:11:42He agreed. I asked him why he would say something so out of character for him, and he said he didn't know. When I pushed a bit further, he said he just wanted my college friend to like him and was trying to match her sense of humor. In all fairness, she is not the most modest in conversation and uses brash language and insults quite often, very much the scary exterior, soft interior type. Even though she doesn't make weight comments, it wouldn't feel out of the genre to people who don't know that. However, he doesn't typically get anxious around new people or change his behavior to fit in, so I brought this up and said that didn't fall in line with what I knew to be true about him.

1:12:24He agreed it wasn't typical for him and that he was just as surprised since he had never felt that way when meeting the friends and family of previous girlfriends. He said he's never felt this strongly about someone before and that he thinks realizing what love actually feels like made him terrified of losing it. He knows I value her opinion quite highly, which may have intensified that feeling. I asked him if he thought him insulting a woman's appearance would impress me, you know, the actual person he's in a relationship with, and he said no. I asked him if he would still feel sorry for saying it if it hadn't been me he was talking about, and he said he felt horrible while saying it and regretted it instantly.

1:13:10I asked him why he didn't say that then. Instead of that, he would never say anything like that about me specifically and he said he was so worried by the fact that he hurt me that it was all he could think about. I asked if he would still think I was the most beautiful girl if down the line I gained weight or got an injury and he said, you would be my girl. We sat in silence for some time after that and honestly, I broke down. He immediately rushed to comfort me. When I was in the process of losing weight, while still surrounded by not great people, I was in lockdown mode all of the time. My walls were extremely thick and I got good at emotionally detaching from people and situations in order to continue bettering myself.

1:13:52I think hearing him say something like that about the old me threw me right back into that mindset. I was expecting to be hurt every time he touched me or spoke to me, and mentally I put him in a category of unsafe for her. Reading the comments definitely exasperated that. I have always been extremely protective of her. She deserved so much better. Ooh, this could make me cry. Oh no, that's really hard. She's still me. And if I could have wished for anything for her, it would have been to have someone like Ben. Someone who's willing to fight for her, to be patient with her, and who feels so strongly about her that the thought of losing her brings him to tears.

1:14:34I never thought I would find someone like that. He made a mistake, an awful one, and I know most of you might hate my decision, which is fair, but I'm willing to forgive that. I've seen how he treats people in daily life, from servers to strangers, and he is genuinely a kind person. I'm pretty sure he's my person. Our mutual friend who sent that photo around, on the other hand, is no longer in either of our lives. After listening to the voice note she sent, Ben has decided to follow suit with blocking her. Once asked, he admitted that he was planning to propose on our trip to the mountains this summer, and I felt extremely betrayed that she would tell me.

1:15:18That conversation revealed quite a few other troubling things about that friend in particular, but that's not relevant here. But I want to know. It's kind of relevant to us. Our other mutual friends who saw fit to involve themselves are now very aware that there is a firm boundary there and that they shouldn't be upset about it since they knew I was into people who mind their own business. I'm giving some grace there since a lot of them knew about the proposal and were freaking out that it might be in jeopardy. As most of you guessed, most of our mutual friends are Ben's friends. My girls would have never, ever involved themselves like that.

1:15:59Okay, that makes me feel a lot better. I was like, why are her friends doing this? And are extremely loyal to me, which is why I didn't ask for their advice on the situation, because they would likely hate him forever, no matter what I decided. Most of them do really like him now, but the like is completely conditional on my love for him. I did advise Ben that I would like to wait a bit longer before a proposal, maybe closer to the two-year point, but that we could discuss him potentially moving in with me in the next few months. I was a bit hesitant to post this since I know it's not the update you were waiting for, but I've grown and changed so much over my short life, and I do believe other people should have the opportunity to do so as well.

1:16:43If teaching children has taught me anything, it's that they are more than capable of it, as long as they're given a loving hand and some grace. I told him about this post, and at his insistence, let him read through the comments. It was not a fun experience, to say the least. Seeing the speculations on how he would treat his future students or our children was particularly horrifying. He would like me to thank you all for looking out for me, and agrees that bringing coffee as a gift to someone on a run was not the best idea. Okay, sure. I mean, I'm, yeah, that's fine. Good. They worked it out.

1:17:23I'm not like, oh my God, fairy tale. That's, this is the best thing ever. Perfect. But you know, I'm happy that they're able to work it out. Yeah. I, I mean, it's hard. Cause like, I, I've talked about this with Lauren recently and we talked about it on an episode where it's like, you have to forgive yourself for things you did when you were younger or when you were less educated or xyz and i get wanting to impress someone or whatever like we've all said something stupid totally or put our foot in it to look cool in front of other people yeah i kind of i don't know i kind of didn't like how often he was like kind of becoming the victim in these conversations like I don't know with a friend and with his mutual friends and then the first interaction of them was him being like and you weren't talking to me and I'm crying and like I don't it was just like a lot of like his feelings and yeah and like well even that did kind of irk me when he was like well you shut down and you didn't communicate and it's like well yeah like I needed space after this horrible thing yeah other people are saying I should have broken up with you.

1:18:32So it's like, I think space is reasonable, but I mean, if they can work through it and they're happy together, that's great. That's what matters most at the end of the day. I do think if a woman did this, people would be madder, but whatever. It is interesting. I wonder if gender would flip it at all. I'm not sure. A lot of people are in the comments on the update being like this is fake. What? A lot of people. Why? AI slop. But looking at. But there were so many like typos and stuff, weren't there? So many typos. This account is five years old. This post is five days old. So, I mean, this person has been active in relationship advice.

1:19:24Do people just say that on every post now though or like is this one particularly getting more accusations of that i think that's a lot of posts and i think i think honestly the minute someone sees a post where the person wrote halfway decent yeah and gave details and gave a story yeah i think people are like ai and it's like this is a school teacher she knows how to fucking write yeah if i have to if it is AI, okay. But like, I think people can write like this. This sounded very normal to me. I mean, I've never used AI, so I actually don't really like know the tells in that way as much. Besides, I know that the long M dash is a big thing and saying, it's not just this, it's this.

1:20:11Which is so frustrating for me because I love a dash. I love that dash. I do too. Not the long one though but also I just saw something about someone putting a part of Wuthering Heights into the AI detector and it came back like 100 % AI I get being cautious about it in other parts of the life but I feel like it's so first of all low stakes on a reddit post like you don't really need to be on high alert about if a reddit post even is real or not like also this is one of the most plausible post I think I read. This has happened. Yeah. Either way, this has happened. And I do believe that this specific scenario is real, but also besides that, this has happened.

1:20:52Also, like, okay, let's look at this account. It's five years old. Looking at the achievements on this account, so based on how you use Reddit, you can unlock awards and achievements. This person has Reddit streak awards unlocked. They were on a five-day streak in August of 2024. They unlocked Hometown Hero Awards in October of 24. Cool Comment Awards. They've unlocked a bunch of community moderation awards. I mean, they've been unlocking awards since early 2024. Yeah. So if you're going to create an account to share like a fake story for karma it's gonna be a week old it's gonna be maybe even a month old like it's not I don't know I find it hard to believe that it would be a five year old account it's also again like I don't know do you really get anything when you create these fake accounts and get all this karma like what do you if someone was like doing backflips and then and then this person stole, burned her house down and someone, you know, I don't know.

1:22:01This just isn't crazy. They had a conversation. This is a very normal way to solve a relationship problem. I don't know. I don't get it. But there's like no good comments on the update. It's literally all that. What? Yeah. Wait, now I'm curious about if like the listeners heard anything in that that sounded like AI to them. But then even if someone wrote something and then ran it through AI, like it could still be true. Yeah. Some people do say like there's a thread here. Yeah, it's fake. Next comment. It's always a tip off when their writing is too prosaic. And then someone comments back and they go, just out of curiosity, what happens if someone who's good at writing has a situation and needs advice.

1:22:44Yeah. I don't get it. Like that's very weird. Yeah. AI is trained on like all of the literature there's ever been and like humans. So it's based like AI isn't based on anything humans can't do. AI is trained on humans. So a lot of people are like, I don't know why, but it was the project Hail Mary part for me. Someone down goes, when I saw that, it made me think that this whole thing was an ad for the movie what i don't know is chat gbt bringing up project hail mary to people i don't know but it's also it is one of the best movies i've seen it was so good in a long and the book is really really long times if you if you're someone who like liked science fiction as a kid but you just haven't really been into science fiction in a while like project hail mary i was like oh my god i need to get back into that genre the movie was great i'm gonna start reading the book after akatar i already got through fourth wing as you guys know Unreal, incredible I want other people to experience that joy that I went through That I'm like, I'm going to buy 10 people the book Just like, so we can all be in it together But I do want to do the audiobook of Project Hail Mary Because I've heard It's such a good audiobook Ray Porter, the person who narrates it Is just like, I've heard clips And it is so good in his voice Wait, also text me your thoughts about Akator Because I'm like, a little bit in I'm like, it's kind of a slower one to get into for me Yeah, it wasn't I think you might end up feeling the same of like enjoyed it, but fourth wing was like just perfect.

1:24:16It was exactly what I wanted. I'm obsessed. I keep seeing her Instagram posts about like her starting working on the fourth one. I'm like, Rebecca, come to L.A. Rebecca. Let's go. I know. Can we be friends, Rebecca? Can I get an early copy? I'll, you know, I'll spot some typos. A signed book. I'll take a signed book. I found a typo in one of the books. Send it. This episode is brought to you by Nintendo. Everyone's version of Me Time is a little different. That's why the Nintendo Switch 2 system is so fun. With exclusive and Nintendo Switch compatible games like Mario Kart World, Animal Crossing New Horizons, Nintendo Switch 2 Edition, Tamodachi Life, Live in the Dream, or Yoshi and the Mysterious Book, there's something for every vibe.

1:25:03And with upgraded hardware, play at home or on the go whenever the mood hits. Learn more at Nintendo.com slash Nintendo Switch 2. Games and systems sold separately. Some Nintendo Switch games may not be supported or fully compatible with Nintendo Switch 2. Games rated E for everyone. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Season is changing. Time to clean out that closet and maybe make some extra money in the process. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell your clothes you no longer wear and get more value out of your wardrobe. It's super simple to use and with no selling fees.

1:25:39So you keep what you earn. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees. Post it. Post it. I'm so curious. Okay, moving on to this next one. Would you like to get pissed off? Yeah, why not? Oh, this next one is quite concerning. And I feel like with the rise of certain documentaries like the Manosphere, it's probably good to talk about this one. Is this going to be like an alpha male, like pickup artist type thing? Is this looks maxing? Is it? You'll see. There's so many different types of Manosphere content. This is from rslashrelationshipadvice titled, My boyfriend, 28 male, thinks the reason why he can't finish is because I'm, 20 female, too big from the inside.

1:26:38This is a bit personal, but I'm from a very conservative locality, so I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend of two years has been great in bed during the early stages of the relationship, but now either he finishes too early or doesn't finish at all. I assumed maybe because he has some issues related to performance or something, but I don't know. Then I finally asked him, quote, why do you leave mid-act? And he tells me he feels some kind of pain. I said, quote, then don't walk away like that. I feel lonely. Just leave it and be with me. The convo ended on that, but I asked him again today and he told me that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but the real reason why he didn't want to finish was that my birthing canal is too big.

1:27:27That's what I thought he meant. I just wasn't totally sure. Oh God. Therefore, he doesn't feel anything. I feel so insecure now. Is it true that you grow too much that your significant other doesn't feel anything? I don't even know what to do about it. It's not something I can fix, you know? Go fuck someone else. See if they feel it. That's my film.

1:27:54He's, I think, got some issues. And my immediate, immediate thought was, I think he might have given himself death grip syndrome. Wait, what the, what is that? Yeah. It's as it sounds. From jerking it too tight? Death grip syndrome. Or he's scared? He's scared that he's, no, no, no. He's like, he's probably watching one. I think he's watching too much. But porn addiction is my first thought always. It's either porn addiction or like he literally did the death grip syndrome thing. You basically jerk off to where you like have such a threshold that you literally almost need to like squeeze your dick apart in order to come.

1:28:36Sorry, guys. Sorry. That sound was probably so loud. I've read a comment on a post about death grip syndrome before. And someone was like, yeah, you basically beat it like it owes you money. yeah like it's it's a thing it can happen i mean i've also seen jokes about that like for women like using a vibrator on too high of a setting like it's a similar the stimulus grows noxious at a certain point right for you know however much time but then it's like yeah if you're doing that every day day then you're going to be feeling that every day oh my god yeah i really think and this is just my very reasonable level-headed advice she has got to go fuck somebody else and then interview him.

1:29:19Please don't. Please don't fuck him again. And then interview him and take that information back to this guy. Because what the hell? Also, wait, she's 20. What did you say his age was? I was just going to go there. He is 28. I was worried as soon as she said 20. I was like, oh, maybe I misheard. OK. Hate that also. Yeah. Legal, obviously not. End of the world. But that's quite a difference. It's quite a difference when you have the person also start shaming them. Like, your vagina's too big. You're gapped. Can't feel it. I actually, I feel nothing. Also, just like out of nowhere, like things were fine.

1:30:00And now all of a sudden, what, my vagina grew two inches? How did that happen? Well, they've also been together two years. That's what I'm saying. They started dating when she was 18. And he was 26. A rake is not enough. A rake is not enough. Hamster ball down a hill? Like, what are we thinking? It's hard because this is, I think, a bigger issue for more men than it feels comfortable for, like, them to talk about. Sensitivity issues? Either that— Because of porn addiction? Or, like, not being able to get it up or, like, not being able to finish. Or performance issues, like anxiety in general. I think that this could be something that they could have talked about and like maybe looked into all the possible reasons together.

1:30:48And I feel like I heard something lately where it's like erectile dysfunction is becoming a lot more common. Yeah, that's what I was trying to get to. And that probably does have something to do with like porn and only fans. I do feel like it's become more and more and more prevalent. but I just I really hate this and it feels sinister and it feels like an attempt to sort of drag her down control her kind of project any possible issues he's having onto her never even consider that he could just be having performance issues like oh no it can't be me well I think a big part of it too is like I think it is the porn but also I'm looking just to make sure and like fact check us in the moment here and it is definitely becoming way more common yeah particularly among men under 40.

1:31:48That's what that's what I've heard it's like and that's why it's significant is because it's happening sooner yeah and more often yeah no ED is increasingly diagnosed in men in their 20s and 30s. One study indicating 34 % of men under 40. And this is like, I feel like if you look at ED and how it's been presented in movie and pop culture and like, you know, what is in the zeitgeist. Yeah. You hear ID for like older men. Yeah. It's like you get older and it becomes a problem or you're too drunk and it's a problem and you don't really talk about all the other reasons that it could happen. Performance anxiety is a major contributor.

1:32:28Diabetes and health things can be another diet, exercise, but also smoking, tobacco. Yeah. Like think about how many people nowadays vape or they do the pouches like zin. Yeah. I feel like if I had, if I had a dick, I think I would get performance anxiety sometimes. I feel like I would too. Like I can imagine that if it's like more of a visible thing, you'd be a little bit anxious from time to time. It's also one of those things I feel like having a dick during sex, like it's also seemingly harder to fake. So it's like - Oh, totally. You like have to - Which kind of benefits them. That's why they always get what they want and girls a lot of the time don't.

1:33:12Well, and I think it's also one of those things, like women, it's not comfortable to be like, I can't have an orgasm. Yeah. Like there's a stigma around it. You want to be good in bed and like all of this stuff. So it's like, I make them feel good about what they're doing. So I get why it's hard to communicate, especially, you know, when you're younger and don't really understand what it takes to get you to come. And like, obviously, I think orgasms for women are a lot more difficult. Like, I don't know, I feel like clits are complicated little things. But there's 8000 nerve endings are over. Like, yeah, I mean, a lot of nerves.

1:33:50It's more. It's not impossible, though. And for a lot of people, like if you have a clit, like you also have a more like mental orgasm versus physical and reflexive. Yeah, it's a combination of what you've been doing throughout the day. Have you been kind to me? Have you been like... Did I get a compliment? Compliment equals cum. Yes. And also the other thing that pissed me off about this story that I kind of forgot because I was getting mad about other stuff is the fact that like if I were sleeping with someone and they just got up in the middle and left the room? Like, let's talk about that.

1:34:26What are you doing? What the hell? What are you doing? And then he's saying it hurts, but that was a lie. It was a lie? Yeah. Because when he said that, I was like, well, maybe you need to get her more wet. Like, if it's hurting, maybe that's also another. Or lube. Yeah, or use, yeah. Lube. Totally. Like, bring out the coconut oil. Let's go. Bring out whatever. Sure. Yeah. I mean, I have to say this, like, just to be crystal clear. if you're a latex condom user you cannot use coconut oil because it makes it less effective yeah it can kill the condom yeah so do not do that but like there's other lubes that are safe for whatever means of protection you're using yeah and that's what's hard is that even just when we're talking about this story we're talking about all the possible ways to work toward a solution and he's just like hole too big like a fucking caveman yeah no i think the only solution here is to break up.

1:35:20Go date someone who's not a creep. The title, it threw me through a loop. I was like too big on the inside. Too big from the inside. Yeah. From the inside. And then I was like, oh God, I hope it's not. It is. Top comment. Go find the tiniest, most light flow tampon and stick it in. See how it doesn't fall out? See how you grip just fine? Genius. Yeah. Your vagina isn't the problem. Genius. Genius. What a remarkable genius that we have in our midst. That is not even the top comment. That only has 655 upvotes. That blew my mind. The top comment with 12 ,000 upvotes, sigh, girl, just, just go. Yeah, and then the ages, there's so many things here at play where it's, this is not a good situation.

1:36:23No. The response to the sigh, girl, just, just go. Someone says, that's not how anatomy works. He didn't suddenly become too big. That's a myth. If anything, loss of sensation on his side is usually about him, not your body. He's blaming her for something that isn't her fault, and that's not okay. Also, at 20 years old, you are not losing any of your pelvic tightness. Like, I mean, maybe after a child, we could have this conversation if things have been different. Your pelvic floor muscles should be pretty intact. Pretty much the same. Yeah. After two years, from 18 to 20, like, there is not a big change happening on my end.

1:37:07I'll tell you that. There's another comment here. 7.6K upvotes. Buddy decided to just hurt you without taking ownership of his performance. No wonder he decided to date an 18-year-old. That. And honestly, like, he really thought he could get away with that because she is so young. thank god she went to reddit because she's on that precipice of like almost knowing these things for sure herself but she's like not totally there yet and i think that's when you go to other people and you get that confirmation yeah i started having sex too young i would say but even at 20 i'd only had a couple sexual partners and it's like i didn't know how my body worked like i don't even think I had an orgasm until after I graduated college 100%.

1:38:00I agree. I think that was the same for me. I was like, I must have been at least. When did I start using vibrators? I honestly think, well, that was like also a big part of why. Yeah, vibrators definitely helped. And I had them in college, but I like I still feel like I didn't really know for sure if that's what was happening. but I definitely like did not have them with a person yeah until like 25 yeah like dating Justin actually showed me like what sex could be when it's gonna love this episode no like this is what I like but like I had like a lot of people that were just like I don't know selfish yeah you know just like and I didn't know how to communicate I was young no that is that it's really difficult Try not to rock the boat.

1:38:45You don't even know how to ask for what would work because nothing has so far. So it's like, how do I? So like I get exactly where she's at. And you, I don't know if you're not familiar with like anatomy or online and how this is a myth. And it's like, maybe he's like, maybe he's right. Yeah. He saw like three tweets that says when a woman has sex with different people, that's the same man 30 times. She becomes that size or something. I don't know. The one about the key kills me. Oh, God. Yeah, like a key can turn multiple locks without. It's a great key. It's a skeleton key. But what's a lock that opens for multiple keys?

1:39:25A bad lock. A useful lock. A dexterous lock.

1:39:33People are crazy. I don't see an update on this one. It is only a couple days old. So can we DM her? We'll send a message. we'll send a message. We do have a couple of comments. I'm seeing now that I'm looking. He was addicted to porn before, but he left it a long time ago. I can ask him about it. This, if he still goes through the same thing, but I personally also don't think he does anything like that. He's very occupied with his job studies and our relationship. They find time. Whoa. They find time. In their car, at work, on a lunch break. He had a porn addiction, but it just ended and he has these weird ideas about sex and not really feeling anything for no related reason.

1:40:20Okay. There's another comment here. It is very true. We have a huge age gap that has always been the problem. I remember him asking me if I should continue this relationship because I will grow up and we won't be able to have the same connection as we did in the start. I thought nothing of it at the time and said to continue. But now I do see it in this sense. Wait, he's saying that their connection will get worse as she grows up and that their connection was so magical because she wasn't grown up? Yes, I will say I'm getting like English is maybe second or third language based on the typing and everything.

1:40:59But still, I'm getting enough. Like what that meant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Either that or as you grow up, you might think I'm a creep. I don't know. We both met in college. I liked him first since he was a sweet senior. A super, super, super senior. We continued talking and started dating after some time, but never asked our ages. He thought I was also older or joined late to college, and I thought he was younger. Only after one month, we realized we had a huge age gap. Both of us agree that it's weird, and he even asked me multiple times if I wanted to continue this with him since I'm too young, but I still wanted to date him.

1:41:37Hence this. How is he so shocked? Okay, he is what, 26 in college. That's five years older than most like seniors would be in college. And she is a freshman. And then he's, he's shocked that this is their age gap. Come on. That sounds like, oh my God, if you've watched Age of Attraction when the guys are like, oh my God, you're 22? No way. Oh my God, well, I didn't know that and I fell in love with you not knowing that, so pass. Like shocked meme, Pikachu. Yeah. Like, uh-huh, sure. No, yeah, that is the age of freshmen. Yeah. 19 if you're lucky. Very seemingly, again, real account. They joined Reddit back in 2021.

1:42:26has been collecting achievements since. So this could give her also like a lifelong like insecurity based on potentially zero truth. Yeah. To any of it. I mean, I feel like I've seen a story or two, like my husband cheated because we weren't sexually compatible. And how could you see that being justified here? Yeah. You know, when we had sex, he said he couldn't feel anything. so he had to seek out physical intimacy elsewhere to satisfy him I get it like no no no no no run be done this one is beyond baffling for me and I'm only happy if they break up the rake needs to have knives on it I agree.

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1:45:11Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Visit cashapp.com slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Those things are pretty dangerous. Yeah. Those little cucumber cutters. Oh, yes. Yeah. Okay. We are going to end on a bit of a satisfying note. Thank you. So this one is coming from r slash Petty Revenge. It is titled, my coworker was being a tool, so I nailed his to the floor. Are we scared? Oh my God. I'm a woman who works in construction. I've mainly worked wood-framed apartment complexes for the majority of my career.

1:45:59I am also usually the only female on the job site. so I have to often decide how to handle the interactions with my male colleagues. If I lose my cool, I run the risk of being labeled a bitch or get talked about even if a colleague deserves it. One day on the job, I collected all of the ladders that were on the job site because they often get left behind. We work in one direction and move up floors when we finish a floor. I piled the ladders neatly and by size, and then I got to working on my task for the day. Well, I had my six-foot ladder and my nail gun, but I needed more nails, so I had to run back down to the conax to carry three 10-pound boxes up five flights of stairs.

1:46:48And when I got upstairs, back to my area, my ladder was gone. A co-worker had taken it. I asked him why he just didn't take from the pile that was on the other side of the room, and he shrugged and asked me why I just can't do the same. Like, dude, it's the principle of it. Because if I would have stolen his or anyone's ladder that they were using, and there was a pile of them in eyesight, I would have gotten my ass chewed out, and I would have had to take it on the chin. The unfairness of it all pissed me off, and I waited until break when everyone went to either their car or the brake area, and I hid out in the porta potty.

1:47:27I took note of his tool bag before everyone went to brake, and when I found it, I nailed that son of the bitch to the floor. I even took out lags, big ass screws that go into the wood, and I screwed those in and bent them over. Best part is that I used different sizes, ranging from four inch, six inch, and eight inch. You can't just pull those out either. You gotta unscrew it because the grips are so coarse. He never said anything. Neither did our 12 other co-workers. So I'm assuming he never knew it was me. Info, the bags I'm talking about are all called pouches. They go around your waist and have pockets for all of your tools.

1:48:10Also, I didn't make any holes or puncture anything or damage his property. The pouches are secured around the waist like a heavy duty belt. So I just used the holes that were already there. Also, there are ringlets for stuff that can just hang like a hammer. And I used those holes to put a few nails in and then bend them over. I love this. So she didn't damage the actual bag. No. This is very interesting because a lot of people like just even the concept of a woman being in construction, I think, because a lot of people say, oh, if women can do whatever job a man could do, like, why aren't there women in construction?

1:48:51Why aren't there women in this, this, that? And a lot of the time it isn't about even the physical strength of it. It's about how it is to be a woman in such a male-dominated field. Like, even thinking about one that's less so, like a kitchen, most of the line cooks and the chef are men, and it is a very, I don't know it can be I guess not in every every single kitchen but a lot of the time for women in a kitchen it's like a lot of misogyny and like a lot of uncomfortable situations and so like even in like certain tech spaces too it's just a lot of the time about the environment that you're in and how you can't really get stuff done because there's this double standard and like people are always expecting this from you and expecting that and this definitely sounds like a situation where it's not just about this one instance of the latter.

1:49:38It's about all these previous interactions that they've had and the knowledge of he's doing something to me and acting like it's nothing. And I know if I did that, everyone would give me so much shit for it. And it's just such a glaring double standard in that moment that you're like, all right, I'm going to be petty. Agree. There are a lot of male dominated fields. And I think when women are in them, they're held to different standards. I had a write-in years ago on my dad's podcast, Father Knows Something. And it was from a woman writing in being like, I work in a male-dominated field. I work on oil rigs, I believe it was.

1:50:17And so they're going out to the ocean working on these oil rigs. And her co-workers, mostly males, were so toxic. They were peeing in her boots. oh my god like harassment and so I think it is hard like I will say I've I've been getting a lot of videos about women electricians and plumbers and I love seeing that because it's really not about the physicality in a lot of these careers it is truly just like the environment and it's hard to be in like the one person was like I love my job but like it's hard to be out here and be in this and get harassed and get my boots pissed in. Yeah. Like what? And everyone's against you.

1:51:01I know. Isn't oil rigging, it was like the job that kind of went viral on TikTok for a while of like call your brother or dad and say you got a really good job oil rigging or underwater oil rigging or whatever. Underwater welding? Yeah. That's so crazy. That's really, that's a risky job too. Top comment on this one though. Hi fellow carpenters. Anyone who says men are less emotional and full of drama has never worked as the only woman on a construction crew lol so much managing of fragile egos someone responds back the men gossip so much too my ex worked in shipyards and i know everybody's business everybody the person who posted that original comment i read though like hello fellow carpenters y 'all are cracking me up i just want to say i love all you drama dons, LOL.

1:51:54Life would be a lot more boring without you. I mean, I love gossiping with my male friends. I think that men just need to accept that they like gossip too. And like the reason that you're so into basketball is because it's like a sport, Real Housewives, and you love the drama of it. You love to know who's dating who. I know that the way that you guys talk about basketball is like reality TV. I've seen it. Just admit it. Accept it. Open your arms. It's okay. we all love gossip. We all love drama. That's funny you mention that. I'm like scrolling down through the comments trying to see if I can find any others.

1:52:29And someone goes, I worked in the NBA years ago and I've never known more drama, pettiness, and outright sexual harassment from my male co-workers. That's crazy. Someone goes, try working at a used car dealership. Yeah. And it's like on the surface, it's funny, but it's also kind of sad hearing all these comments of like women trying to get into these industries because we put a lot of focus in you know the disparity in women CEOs or you know those disparity in pay for xyz and we don't really talk about like why women might not be represented in used car dealerships or construction or something else except to say that they can't handle it yeah and I think it's interesting to hear all of these different accounts of like how much they were kind of harassed and like bullied and even if not outright in that way, like held to a double standard where, I mean, at that point you feel like you're hitting your head against a brick wall over and over again every time you go to work.

1:53:32I know. And everyone in the comments shares a job from travel agency to a car rental place, a butcher shop. I mean, there's so many different careers and fields that it's like, God, you just can't escape this. And I literally, I just had this experience two weeks ago, but there's something wrong with my headlight where if I click my keys to unlock my car, the headlight clearly lights up. But then if I'm getting in it and driving during the day, I get a malfunction and an error code that it says like daytime driving light malfunction. but the light itself works so it's a fuse or it's wiring or it's it's xyz i'm not sure yeah so i brought it into the dealership and i i was like okay i'm gonna get an oil change but like can you also look at my light and i picked it up and i was like what did we figure out about the light and he goes there's nothing wrong with your light i i was like okay interesting like cool that's that's actually great i love that yay for me get in my car turn it on start to drive away Ding daytime driving light malfunction.

1:54:38Yeah, and I like just like what you said I contact the guy again He goes there's nothing wrong with your light the technician addressed it I will literally like put a picture of my lights I'm, not crazy. Like if you look at the headlights one is lit the fuck up and the other is out Yeah, and so I like I was like, okay, whatever I had to go back in to like pick up a part that I needed for a different thing that's going on and I go back in. I was like, hey, I'd love to, you know, talk about my light with you. He goes, yeah, well, there's nothing wrong with your light. So if you bring it back in, we're going to have to open this fix it right the first time case for your car.

1:55:16And I was like, OK, but there is something wrong with my light. Like get into my car, turn it on and then see. He literally walked outside and saw that the issue was lit up on my dash. But here's what he's he's literally the dumbest person on the planet, it because what happens when you drive my car into the service center garage yeah the nighttime lights turn on and guess what goes out the daytime driving lights so then what falls off the dash the air code I walked him outside and showed him the air code in the light yeah and he was just punching his keys looking is exasperated at me and just like didn't want to deal with me so I look at him and I go I'm sorry am I interrupting you like I see that you're typing And I was like, I'm so sorry.

1:55:59I can give you a minute. He goes, you're not interrupting me. And I was like, okay. I go, I'm going to be honest. Like I'm getting a really weird vibe from you. So I think I need to schedule this with a different service provider. Yeah. And he goes, I'm not giving you a vibe. And I go, I'm getting a vibe. And I walk out and one of the other guys sitting at like a desk next to him and he goes, well, that solved itself quickly. Oh my God. Fuck you. I've never wanted to leave a bad review more, but I'm like, oh, I just don't even have the time to leave the review. But also it's it's so cut and dry.

1:56:32Like I am getting an error code. Can you look into it? Also, you guys, my light is out. This also look outside. Look at it. And then all of them joining in like this is and that's divas. They're being dramatic. Like you are being divas. Just unprofessional. I a plumber did this to me last month, too. I was like, there's an issue with the bowl filling. It's not clogged. I've like already made sure of that. And then he's like, it sounds like it's clogged. And then he like looks into it and he's like, oh it's not clogged it's this it's the bowl that like the bowl thing filling and i'm like right exactly what i told you it's not saying i don't actually know much about plumbing but i can tell like some things like it's like the thing that i said it wasn't i know and i just wish like i wish i would have had justin go in there and talk to him because i feel like he would have been taken seriously but it's like i'm not i'm not crazy i'm not making up an error code no you will literally I'll put a picture of my headlight side by side for you guys so you can see like.

1:57:29And also who would? It's off. Like why would you ever assume someone coming in and being like, I am having this issue is just like delusional? Like what is the implication here? Do you think I want to come to a car dealership and waste half my day sitting in your nasty ass waiting room with bad coffee and bad Wi-Fi? No. I would rather be on my ass on a couch eating my fucking goldfish while I work. Do I want to be here? No. Caesar I don't want to be here you stupid well then at a certain point this was supposed to end on a light hearted fun note yeah yeah I mean hey what were you going to say I was just going to say at a certain point maybe it was because they have some kind of fix it the first time policy that you mentioned he was like becoming like oh now if I'm culpable for not fixing it the first time then I have to do it for free I don't know it's under warranty It was free regardless.

1:58:24It was crazy. Oh, it was at the actual car dealership. No. And you have to go there. Literally. So I'm going to a different one in LA. It's like a 40 minute drive versus 15, but worth it probably. I will just say we do get a little bit of an edit on this one. Here's some info to clarify a few things. For those saying I am a horrible person for damaging company property and stuff, it all gets covered by grip creep anyways. For those saying he knew it was me, I ended up texting a friend about it and asked if the guy suspected anyone. I guess he didn't know. Shrug emoji. It was a few years ago when it happened.

1:59:04For those saying it's fake, I feel like y 'all just haven't worked on a job site. Like I said, I mainly worked in residential wood framing, but recently I switched over to commercial where I do a lot of steel stud and drywall now, so less pranks on this side, but it still happens. Residential has a little more savagery than commercial work. Pranks are pulled on job sites. We get a lot done and work hard and we do pranks to keep things interesting. Some fun stories. I was working for a company that was the general contractor of the project. The electricians were giving us a hard time and so our foreman intercepted their delivery and used the crane to put it on the roof.

1:59:39They were looking for their shit for like 20 minutes. Once seen a guy's cart with like 50 pounds of tools nailed to the wall six feet up. A buddy of mine nailed a co-worker's chair to the ceiling telling apprentices to go find the board stretcher. And again, I did not damage his property. I did not hide his stuff or damage it. For example, it would be like if you hung your keys on a hook at work and I tied the keys to the hook. It just takes a few extra seconds to get it off. Also, who was trying to defend this and be like, you're bad? I don't know. I think it is It is interesting to hear about how different work environments can be from one another.

2:00:18And I also was thinking that when we were reading the story earlier about the circling back button. That's why sometimes I think when we're responding to Reddit comments and like giving our advice, it can be hard because there's such subtle nuances in these different work environments. Like, I think a lot of people wouldn't know that these types of pranks are so normal in this environment. That's true. and could maybe be like oh wow that's extremely petty if I did that at my office if I like nailed someone's purse to the wall at my office that would not be taken well and it's like right but context matters and these situations are very different wild I also feel like we're at this point on reddit right now where everyone's first thought is like this is fake like even op being like it's not fake this happens all the time I'm like yeah it's everyone's first inkling right now But I liked that.

2:01:09And again, it was on the Petty Revenge subreddit. Right. Right. I'm admitting that this was petty already. Literally. And he's fine. He's fine. This was years ago. He kind of probably knew. Maybe he didn't. But like, whatever. I think it's also a thing that I've seen where because we're choosing who the asshole is in a situation, it's like almost expected that one of the people has to be absolutely horrible. when sometimes it's like, okay, so I technically think in this situation, this person's in the wrong, but I don't necessarily think either of them are bad people. Yeah. And that can be hard to.

2:01:47I think that's why a lot of the posts and in the voting, you'll still see you're the asshole, but you'll get like a soft you're the asshole versus hard you're the asshole. Yeah. So maybe that's a theme we do. I'll find only asshole stories and it'll be like soft versus hard. Wow. I love that. And I won't tell you which, but you have to pick. Kind of asshole, super asshole. Yeah, I will say like even on. So there's Am I the Asshole, the OG, and then there's A-I-T-A-H. And then there's a couple of other like Am I the Asshole subs popping up now. But Am I the Asshole is the only one that has like the bot that delivers a vote based on the comments.

2:02:30A-I-T-H doesn't do that. So it's also just hard to find asshole stories. Like you have a lot of people that when they do go right in, they've been gaslit or they are like, am I overreacting? Am I the asshole? And it's like, no. Yeah. But I will work on that. I will put it on my list. I've got a list going right now. Love a list. But that's all she wrote. That's all we got on this step on a rake theme. I think this will definitely be a part two eventually. I could see that. This feels like that kind. Step on a rake. Do you have a lot of stories left over? I do. Yeah. It's a good one. Okay. It's a good one.

2:03:12So maybe in a couple weeks, we'll, you know, circle back. We'll circle back here. But thank you guys so much for being here. If you want more, head over to Patreon. Michaela and I did an episode yesterday that did have a few that could have been. It was fun. Step on a rake. Yeah. I liked that one a lot. Really good stories. Some, again, doozies. But otherwise, there's a couple other bonus episodes coming out. Remember to vote for clues for the Webby. And other than that, thanks for being here. Until next time. Bye.

2:04:03Thank you.

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