265: Don't be a Heckler! Ft. Lucas Zelnick

29:07I'll have eight beers, but that's behavior when you're trying to get shit faced. It's yeah. No, it's binge drinking for sure. Yeah. And they're IPAs, which have like a higher alcohol content usually. You're drinking like eight hamburgers. Like those are like, those are meaty beers. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, but I will say overall the concept, regardless of him being, you know, maybe having a drinking problem, I think there is a little bit of injustice here. Oh, there's great injustice because if you bring 12 beers and you drink eight, you should never be on the hook to pay. No matter what the formulation of the party is, that makes no sense.

29:46What about those four other beers he left behind? Yeah. What about that? Are you going to pay me for the four? Yeah. I'll pay for the two. In fact, let's make a deal. you have those four and we're even. Like what? No, that doesn't make any sense. I'm like, are they just... They might just hate you. Yeah, they're kind of like... I don't know. They're heckling, but just kind of like mentally fucking with him a little bit. Are you leaving out the part where you were so drunk that you punched a hole in the wall at this guy's house? I know. I'm curious if there's other contacts. You're like, am I the asshole because I have eight beers?

30:22Sure, there's a couple hours of the night. I don't really recall. And then everyone's mad at me the next day. It feels like it's about something else. I would assume. If it's just about this, no way you're the asshole. But it can't be just about this. There's no fucking way. I mean, maybe it's an age thing, though. They're kind of younger, 20s. He's mid-30s. But everyone's, what, this is a graduate program? Mm-hmm. Everyone's getting an advanced degree. I'm surely... You think they could count? Yeah. You'd think this wouldn't be a contentious issue if everyone's paid for a six-pack. They've paid for two six-packs.

31:01Some people can't do basic math. Some people cannot do basic math, though. I'd be curious what kind of graduate program it is. Is it like anthropology? Let's see if we have any comments from OP. The top comment is not the asshole. First of all, that's a ridiculous level of bean counting for a party set up in this way. Agree. Secondly, couples' contributions do count together. But never mind any of that. I would just tell this guy, Okay, I don't agree with this, but I'll be the bigger person and give money to whomever ended up short. Oh, and by the way, partner brought six and drank zero. So when should he expect to get his money back and from whom?

31:40Ooh. Yeah, someone responds to that and goes, Oh, devious little creature. I love this. Yes, the partner should definitely get back money for four beers if they want to tango this way Okay, let's see if there's any comments from op here Um, don't know where this guy's coming from. Maybe he's still drunk. LOL Yeah, this whole thing's weird to me like okay if you want to be mad I drank too much That's your prerogative, but it's not like you're the one who paid for it question mark Yeah, that that I agree with It's like if this is about something else then tell him if you're mad he drank too much because this was a six-pack party well admittedly if this is a six-pack party and everyone's supposed to have six eight's not crazy because once you're having six like six beers is to me like a chill night is like two maybe three okay and I say this as a six foot two man you know what I mean like I could have more but that's it's just not chill to have five plus beers ever in my opinion yeah okay so I'm I'm I was trying to like put in a concept how many drinks that would be because I'm not a beer drinker I have like no idea the concept of beers so I'm thinking like oh five percent alcohol like whatever but if it was eight 12 ounce beers that equals eight standard drinks but if they were stronger beers like an IPA and larger, eight beers could roughly equal 10 to 16 standard drinks.

33:19Oh yeah. If they're drinking tall boys. That's okay. That's insane. That's a problem. But I, okay. I'm going to assume they were just the regular, like 12 ounce. I assume they were. Yeah. I'm picturing like a regular, like a can of this size, but it's an IPA. Yeah. So you're not, that's not eight Bud Lights. And a problem. Yeah. Okay. I'm getting more on, I'm like, oh fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. Cause even six to me, drinking a full six pack is like, I'm watching the Superbowl with my friends and I'm not too heavy of a drinker. So maybe I'm being a little prude in the eyes of the listeners.

33:57I think this is probably a healthy, good take. I feel like now that I'm 30, at least like in college, of course, you, you know, you're trying to binge drink pretty much every time you go out. Yeah. But we would drink hard liquor in college just to like actually get drunk because we were in such good drinking shape at that time that probably six beers would have just taken too long and my body would have been processing it too quickly. But these days, graduate school is kind of a, I went to graduate school and it's, okay, nice. Where'd you, or what'd you do? I got a doctorate in occupational therapy.

34:29Oh shit. Okay. So you're, don't use it so it's weird yes you do this is oh wait occupational therapy is different than talk therapy yeah occupational therapy is like speech pathology um speech pathology is different it's it's more comparable to like physical therapy but we focus more i would say on like neuro and in the context of like functional activities like your day-to-day tasks or things like that we don't help people find jobs we could but it's more so like dressing bathing grooming things like that Got it. So there's not much connection between that and reading Reddit stories and then analyzing.

35:06I would say very little. Okay. Very little. Sure. Well, I went to business school. Okay, cool. Which teaches you nothing about anything. Okay. So don't worry. I never have to wonder if I'm - Using your degree. Using it because you can't, there's no way to use it. I feel like you could in standup, but okay. I mean, standup's a little like entrepreneurial in a sense. Yeah, exactly. But I can't necessarily point to too much that happened in business school that, you know, I couldn't have learned with my own judgment. The economics of it all. Micro, macro, what's going on there. Yeah. No idea. The Fed rates don't really impact my ticket sales for my tour throws.

35:41But it was a big drinking culture. Is that a finance thing? More so than like grad school? I think it's also like I went because I was at a bit of an impasse of like what I just started doing stand up comedy, but I wasn't ready to go all in on it. And I wanted a plan B. And I think it was sort of I was a bit lost. And I think a lot of people go and they're a bit lost and a lot of people go and they're single and they're lost. And it all of that kind of contributes to like a bit of a party party and hookup. culture. It can be like college round two for people that felt they didn't do college right, which wasn't how I used it, but some people do.

36:23Yeah. Mine, I would say was not super drink heavy. Like there were definitely nights out. But I would say like my group was probably a little more nose to the grind. What's that? To the grindstone? Yeah, that one. So I didn't have that college 2.0 experience but I also had friends that were like in my area because like my grad school was here so right I wasn't you didn't you weren't like in the community as much as some people might have been if they're away from exactly uh op does have an edit on this post lesson learned don't party with grad students yeah well that I will say this like so op sounds like he's in a good relationship Yeah.

37:09And I think grad school partying can be a bit of a single man's game. Like it can be clicky. It can be, I noticed that when I was there. Well, like when people put it into perspective in the comments too, is this really worth the confrontation over$4? People are like, just pay it. Never party with these weirdos again. They sound lame as fuck. Yeah. And that's also true. Like if you have to be in grad school with them for another two years. Yeah, just pay it. four bucks like maybe he really like definitely pay it because then otherwise they're gonna go around and be like he fucking didn't pay us for the you know there's gonna be a story yeah you know there's gonna be a story that like isn't what happened so you always just pay it unless it's an amount of money that's like you you simply what's the limit like i feel like the most they could ask for i mean a six pack 20 bucks yeah i think if they're saying the two beers oh this is in Canada's no no we don't know but like Canada beers oh unless you're in Canada yeah like how much are they really asking for like Mollsons so expensive yeah two beers would be maybe eight tops yeah probably because they're like they bought them in six-pack yeah divide by six I think if it's over 20 bucks you have to be like guys what's going on okay I think I think under 20 bucks as it approaches 20 like 20 would be kind of an annoying amount because keep in mind you've already each bought two so now you're in for like 40 or maybe if you and your partner split at 30 each for this party that like you've left with a bad taste in your mouth i think 10 bucks would be my limit i'm willing to pay 10 to not deal with drama but after that i'm like the injustice and the principle of it all?

38:53No. Yeah. Fuck you. I think 20, well, I've definitely paid more to not deal with drama for sure. Really? But I also think it depends. I don't know. I had like a situation where someone that was working for me, we had a misunderstanding. Okay. Where I had offered a bonus for a certain project and this person took it to mean that this bonus exists for all of his work. Like I basically, he had been making clips for me. Yeah. And I said, for every clip that does this well, I'll give you a financial bonus. Yeah. But it was attached to a certain batch of clips I was giving him. And then like three months later, he had a couple of clips perform that well.

39:45And he was like, can I get the bonus? And I was like, you know what? You can, because I was like - communication maybe. Yeah. I was like, one, I don't think you're acting in the wrong. And also I'm like, you did get the result that I was attaching a financial bonus to, but this isn't the same thing. You know what I mean? This is very different. So I just paid him and I was like, I want to have a relationship with you over the longterm. Like I'm sure if I tried to explain my perspective, he might understand, but I'm sure he also wouldn't feel good about it. Exactly Yeah No So there's I mean there's Times pick your battles And this Might be one of them If it's under $10 That's my hot take But not the asshole I think these people Are weirdos I agree But we'll see what we think About the next one Yeah This is coming from R slash relationship advice It is titled I 29 female Slept with a new guy 34 male For the first time And felt he was rude to me Was he?

40:46Dated a new guy for a month. He was a gentleman and very kind towards me. He very recently just told me how much he liked me and that I'm, quote, pretty, but most of all, I'm a kind person with a good heart, which is most important above anything, end quotes. His intentions seemed genuine towards me. We had texted slash spoke on the phone every day up until Thursday when I came to his side of the city we live in and went out for cocktails and to watch a band. Afterwards, we went back to his place, which was around the corner from the venue. Everything felt right, and we slept together for the first time.

41:25First time I had had sex in nine months. It was very good, passionate. We both enjoyed it. Everything I thought it would be. The second it was over and he had finished, he exclaimed how good it was, then got off me and walked into his kitchen to check his phone, which was charging on the kitchen worktop. He lives in an apartment, so I could see this from his bed. He then stood there and watched the football highlights. Then he started to type for a while, so I assumed he was replying to text messages. Then he went and sat on the sofa for a few minutes. He eventually came back in his room, didn't say a word, just plugged in his phone to charge and set an alarm for 7 a.m.

42:06We both were off work the next day. He said, quote, you can stay if you want, but just so you know, I'll be up at 7 a.m. I want to go to the gym. Night. He said this while his back was to me. Then went straight to sleep, not facing me. I stayed on the other side of the bed and eventually fell asleep myself. I felt awkward being there. Alarm went off at 7 a.m. We both woke up. I said good morning. He replied in kind. Again, no touching or looking over at me. He jumped straight out of bed. We got to sleep at 2am, so I'm pretty tired. But I get out of bed myself and go to his bathroom. By the time I get out, he's looking through his wardrobe, deciding what he wants to wear for the day.

42:51I sit on my bed and book my Uber. I attempt to make small talk and ask more about his plans for the day with his friend. Again, doesn't look at me while replying, just look through his wardrobe. At this point, I felt like I had served my purpose the night before and was no longer necessary. My Uber arrives. He walks me to his door. The Uber driver has parked at the end of his street due to the road work that had taken place over the week. He says bye to me as I walk down the road. This was on Thursday night slash Friday morning. No, quote, did you get home okay? Or I had a good night text. Nothing.

43:28Nothing for over two days until an hour ago when he texted simply, quote, recovered yet. I've not texted back, and I don't think I even want to see him again. My friend is trying to convince me that he was just busy today, but being busy has never stopped him before. We had texted every day, and to be honest, I'm put out by how distant he was after we had sex for the first time. He knows I don't have casual sex, and I hadn't slept with anyone for over nine months. I felt like his behavior was inconsiderate and I feel quite used. I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal after sex, just basic eye contact, conversation, maybe a hug.

44:11My friends think I'm overreacting. Am I? Okay, here's what I'll say. She's describing a lot of micro moments. And so it's hard to say without being there, how all these micro moments might have felt to him versus you. Like I think when you're getting to know someone, especially early on, especially the first time you sleep together, there could be a lot of moments that you may read as distance that he may feel vulnerable in or shy in. Just here's where I'm, before I get in trouble with the girlies, I want to say this. I am leaning towards saying that she is not in the wrong at all. But before I do that, I just want to contextualize.

44:58devil's advocating a little bit. I mean, I'm a white man. This is my job to devil's advocate. This is, this is, I went to devil's advocate university. You have to understand this ladies, ladies, quiet down. It's, it's man time now. Ladies. Let me mansplain this for you. Let me explain something to you. No, but this is, this is important to know. Okay. First of all, he should have texted. I think he should have texted that day. So I don't think you're overreacting that regard. I think it's the polite thing to do. Did you get home safe? Any of those? Yeah. I think waiting two days is rude. I think waking up at 7 a.m.

45:32is a little psycho if it's not normal for him, but you've gotten to know him a little bit. Some guys are kind of psycho like that. Like some guys have the day off work and they do want to wake up and I wouldn't, you know, I would want to sleep in and get brunch or something if I were into you. Like I'd be excited about spending the morning together. Yes. So clearly there's something going on, which is that he's not gushing. This did not bring him closer to you in the way that it felt like maybe it brought you closer to him. So that's, that's without question. And I don't think you're crazy for picking up on that, noticing that and feeling some type of way about it.

46:10I think that's a pretty reasonable and, and, and normal way to react. The one thing I will say is when you come as a man, we do not unlock physiologically the same feelings that women you do. I'm assuming this woman didn't come because it's the first time they had sex. I don't know. I mean, she said it was passionate. She did say it was good. It was very good. Passionate. If women, if you enjoy having sex with a man, it seems, and I think this is backed up biologically, that a lot of oxytocin is released. You want to cuddle. You're feeling connected. Yes. And I do think, and this I think is also backed up by science, that the second we come, we feel shy, distant, like a little bit vulnerable, a little bit embarrassed, like we want to get lost.

47:03Yeah, no, it is backed by science. It's like literally women have the love hormone and men get the opposite hormone and they're like, yep, I'm good. Bye. Yeah. And so I'll say this. Okay. When I really like someone like my girlfriend now, I remember I was so nervous having sex with her for the first time because I knew I was so into her and I was like, oh, I don't want to fuck this up. Yeah. Like it's got to be good. Yeah. And it was kind of clunky as a result. I feel like most first times with a new person are. Totally. And when I came because I was so into her, I didn't feel that I want to get out.

47:42So I think these things always come down to like, if he were obsessed with you, you'd know. And clearly it's not that. But what I will say is I'm not sure you can know right now how bad it is because if it's anywhere from he's still getting to know you all the way to he's really not into it, these behaviors could possibly be, I'm not going to say reasonable, but they could be, I wouldn't be shocked to see them out of a man who's maybe not the most socially aware and not the most thoughtful person. Do you confront him? Because I agree. I don't think she's overreacting at all. My instincts say he was just looking for sex and you kind of got love bombed in all of this.

48:29I mean, the line here, it's a beautiful line. Beautiful line. I mean, who doesn't want to be told this? You're pretty, but most of all, I'm a kind person with a good heart, which is most important above anything. like wow okay Mr. Darcy like okay but I'm getting like I'm like was that real or was that just to get in my pants because then once you did you're like okay take it or leave you I think she said that she doesn't like to have casual sex from what I'm hearing this is a pathway to casual sex it's giving let me put you in the friends with benefit box yeah especially the texting pattern recovered yet.

49:12It's just, it's not warm. And if you're looking for warmth, I think you shouldn't go see this guy again. And truthfully, if he really fucked up and he seemingly has no self awareness over that, if you say, Hey, that, you know, I had fun getting to know you, but I think that's it for me. Ironically, he'll probably be like, what? And he'll probably like try and chase you down and love bomb you again because these kinds of guys find it pathetic when they have the full attention of someone, but they find it completely hard to put their finger on when they don't. And these guys have like an insecurity problem.

49:55So when someone doesn't like them, when someone does like them, they're like, oh, of course. But when someone doesn't like them, they're like, what the hell is going on? So my guess is if you tried to poo-poo him, he would come running. But I think you might as well do that because whether you're into him or not, he's not showing the signals of someone that's looking to date you. And it sounds like that's what you're looking for. And off that alone, you know, if you're interested in casual, solid sex with someone that's like not going to treat you like shit, I'm not sure he's treating you like shit like he's just being distant and not particularly warm if that's what you wanted like someone that you could just hit up and have sex with then it could be up to you to suss out okay does he like did something happen when we had sex that made him this way or are we just gonna be like buddies who fuck sometimes but if that's not what you want I would cut it right there you are on the money So top comment says, recovered from what?

51:02His personality? And OP responds like the laughing crying emoji. And then someone down after that goes, like someone said in another thread, you really ought to reply. Sorry, the sex wasn't good enough for me to be interested in anything casual. Good luck to you. Okay. Well, that is some wild. It was kind of similar to what you were saying. Yeah, that's what you're thinking, but you don't have to say that to this fucking guy. Someone does respond and goes, yeah, this is a devastating maneuver. Do it, OP. Just like a little pot stirrers. Yeah, I think, yeah, simple like, hey, I'm not, you know, this isn't exactly what I'm looking for right now.

51:45But it was really nice getting to know you is the most courteous way to go. Okay. I just. You don't think he needs a punch to his ego? I don't know because the only. Kill him with kindness? The only thing that I know for a fact is the texting. We know the texting for a fact. You know, if I were there and he literally didn't look at her once. But I think a lot of these like micro things of like he had his back turned to me or he was texting on his phone and sitting on the, I don't want that. I mean, I can already tell I'm going to get in trouble for invalidating the experience of a woman. but I'm just saying that when two people have sex, they may be experiencing very different realities.

52:27But I think the texting tells you exactly what you need to know. Well, yeah, I think I agree. There's one more comment where someone's like, OP, you could put it this way. Our experience answered all of my questions. I'm not looking for a repeat. Good luck to you in the future. It'll kill him. And it's a whole lot more subtle than the other one. But I will say, I think that's like almost something with anxiety too. Like I think what she went through was probably pretty damn near close to how it happened. But maybe, you know, she had anxiety after like, was it good? Is he still into me? And then she's looking at the micro like things in this experience.

53:02And it's like, oh my God, like, I feel like anxiety can do that to a person. Like, you go to a family event and you're, I don't know, your partner isn't holding your hand as much in front of family. And you're like, oh my God, is he mad at me? It's like retroactive. And then you just spiral or like, you know, so maybe that happened because like sex, especially if you're not into casual sex is like very vulnerable. Yeah. And so she could have, you know, gotten one thing and spiraled, but overall looking at it, I'm like, no, he went to the kitchen immediately after he hopped off her, climbed off her, whatever she said.

53:35No, no. I mean, I think without question, like this is not the behavior of a guy that you're going to want to be dating for sure. I will say this though. This is the last thing. Okay. Is if you really want to like chew this guy up and spit him out, you don't say from the man's perspective, you don't say something like, sorry, the sex wasn't good enough for me to do this again. Cause when a man reads that, they go, oh, she's like bitter or something that what you do is you act sweet as pie. You go, oh my God, it was so great getting to know you. I just, you know, I really am, am like, I just don't think we should hang out again because then it looks like he lost a big catch well it looks like you don't care literally at all because you're being so nice and that's that would drive me nuts as a guy is like oh no like she like I fucked up the sex yeah the Jedi mind trick of it all yeah because if you read to me as pissed off I know you cared at least somewhat that's true and I know that it was me that did this to you.

54:39If you don't read at all as pissed off, I really wonder, like almost like you feel bad. Like you're like, oh, how do I let this guy down? Picture, picture, picture, what would be the message you sent if you guys had sex and this guy was so clingy, the sex was bad and it was like a total turnoff. What would be the message you would send And then send that guy that text and you will make him think about you for the rest of his life. But do not go back down the road. But don't, yeah, don't fuck that guy again. You can't like then get love bombed again and go back down the road, which can happen. Like I went through the most horrific friends with benefits situation and like it went on for three years.

55:24Like it was brutal. And like it started, I visited him in Germany and had this horrible like last day of the trip where like I was like, this guy's an asshole. And then he came back to L.A. when I was here and like lived here when I was in grad school. And so it was just like it was convenient. It was easy. And it literally took me meeting my partner and being like, oh, my God, it actually feels great when you're treated nice and someone likes you. I'm like kind of like reminiscent of this guy. Like, yeah, there's road work on the street, but the fact he didn't walk you to the Uber, like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

56:01Yeah, fair enough. Chivalry is dead in this man. And like thinking about my partner now, it's like he would have walked me to the Uber. He would have actually probably called me the Uber or driven me home. And like, I'm just like, find someone that likes you because when you do, it feels really nice. Yeah, don't go back to this well. Don't go back to this well, especially unless you know exactly what this is and you're okay with it. Yeah. Which it doesn't sound like you are. No. But on the message front, if you really want to fuck up that guy's day. I like this tactic. Do not send a message that reflects your state of mind.

56:36Send a message that you would send to someone who you think is pathetic. Yeah. I really like this. And you will destroy him. I'm game. I'm game. I think a lot of people, I think you can take notes out there. Take notes on that tactic for real. Take notes. Picture him as the worst fuck you've ever had and think about the message you would nicely send to let that guy down. It's not you. And send every guy. It's me. Yeah. I just have to work on myself right now. I'm so slammed. I'm so sorry. Like, I'm sure maybe in the future we could, you know. Is it a little, like, toxic? I don't know, honestly, because he was an ass.

57:14I like it. To me, it's less toxic than being like, you weren't even good enough for this. like yeah because he's gonna hear that and be like i know that's a lie yeah exactly oh my god okay wait i love this yep um we don't have any updates from op we have a lot of comments and i'll be sure to share the link for the post in the youtube description but i mean the comments are never ending like op at certain points looks like she's fighting for her life people being like after a month you had slept with you slept with him that is casual sex and she's like we were talking every day, three dates a week for three weeks.

57:53I didn't feel like it was super casual. Yeah. I think it so depends like the circumstances and the culture of the place. I mean, the more I travel, the more I realize like in New York, it would feel very rare for me, whether you're serious about each other or casual about each other to be seeing each other for a month and not have already had sex. Like in New York, I think people are dating very frequently and you would go on maybe two or three dates over the course of two weeks and then sleep together is like, I would think the most normal cadence. And then, you know, when I was in Oklahoma, I asked my opener how the dating scene is.

58:30And he was like, girls only want men with land. And I was like, Oh my God. What was his name? Caleb? Yeah. So it's a different world down there for Caleb. I was like, this is not a one size fits all approach, but if they're in a medium to large city, I don't think by having sex with someone in a month, you're sending a message that you want casual sex. I think it's a natural, you know, raising the stakes of getting to know someone. I know, especially if you live in a city that has decent public transportation, because you see each other a lot more. You can cover a lot more ground. There's one comment where OP just says, not only was he rude, he was cheap, too.

59:15And he's also 34. I had to look back at his age. Yeah, he should have bought the Uber, too. He should have bought the Uber. You play an away game, he should Uber you home. That's what I'm saying. I did send OP a message. I was like, girl, I need an update. Did you ever respond back to this horrible man? So, we'll see if anything comes through. Do you have a fancy Reddit? Do they know you're you? Yeah, but I have a fake one too. Which one did you use? My real one. Okay, so they know. Yeah. I feel like that encourages responses a lot of times. Okay, so don't fault me for not knowing this, but are these coming from just the Reddit community or are they sent to you for this?

59:57They're all just coming from Reddit, but we do have our own subreddit now because I wanted a place for listeners to submit their write-ins. And I used to have a Google form and that just got... It got blown up. It got way... It was too much. So then we started our own subreddit so then people can go and post... But these aren't out of their subreddit. Not yet. Not yet. Okay. Hi, friends. Popping in for a quick story with Justin and Lauren. Because it is time for the Value Vibe Check. Brought to you by McDonald's. As you all know, we live for drama on this show, but every once in a while, things feel a little bit too unhinged.

1:00:44So we need something to ground us again. Enter the McDonald's McValue menu. It's consistent, dependable, there for you when everything else is not. We're talking your favorites for under three dollars value. That's always a win, but especially when you're mid spiral And I love nothing more than a mcchicken mid spiral. Let me tell you And this person this person was definitely mid spiral Okay This is titled am I wrong for not leaving work to help my wife when she ran out of gas? My wife, 38 female, and I, 41 male, have been married for 11 years and have two kids, nine and seven. I work full-time and she works part-time while also doing online classes to finish her degree.

1:01:31She dropped out of college after two years and now wants to finish. She has ADHD and anxiety, and if I'm being honest, sometimes it feels like our entire lives revolve around her symptoms. Last Friday, my wife didn't have to work and decided to go visit her sister, who lives in a small town about 45 minutes away. She didn't tell me she was going, so I was very surprised when she called me shortly afternoon. She was obviously upset when I answered, and between sobs, I was able to make out that there was an issue with the car. Eventually, she calmed down and told me that she ran out of gas, in the middle of nowhere, and didn't know what to do.

1:02:08Because she hadn't told me she was visiting her sister, I was very confused and had a lot of questions, which only made her more upset. I was getting frustrated too, so I finally just asked her what she wanted me to do. She told me she needed me to come and get her. I told her I was at work and had meetings in the afternoon that I couldn't skip. I suggested she call her sister, but she went to work after my wife visited and my wife didn't want to bother her. I suggested she call roadside assistance to come and help but she said she didn't know how to do that I suggested she call an uber but she said she was in the middle of nowhere and it didn't show any cars available I suggested she call a friend or someone else that might be able to help and she yelled at me to just come blinking get her I tried to remain calm and reiterated that I am sorry she's in this position but at this moment I'm unable to help her I told her I I had offered numerous suggestions that she could try to help herself, but I can't just leave work.

1:03:13She then hung up on me. My first meeting of the afternoon was starting in five minutes, so I tried calling her back and she didn't answer. I kept trying to text her during my meeting too, but she never responded. I tried calling again between my meetings and still no answer, which I admit pissed me off because even if I was trying to come help her at that point, I couldn't reach her. She is the one who picks up our kids from school, so I was kind of freaking out at this point because I was completely in the dark about whether I would need to get them or if my wife was even okay. So I called the school and asked them to please let me know if my wife comes to get the kids because I can't reach her.

1:03:52I didn't include any details about why. The school called me back at pickup time and told me that my wife was there for pickup. When I got home at the end of the day, my wife refused to talk to me. She gave me the cold shoulder the entire weekend. I apologized for not being able to help multiple times. Finally, this morning, she spoke to me, but all she said was, quote, I can't count on you anymore. Did I really mess up that bad? Am I the jerk? No, this is excessive on her part. There were many options of things that... So many. Yeah. So this is a rough one. She created so much chaos. And I understand being panicked in the middle of nowhere.

1:04:43You ran out of gas. What do you do? I understand that. I've got ADHD anxiety as well. Like I kind of run it close sometimes, putting my car on empty. But your husband just provided you with so many options, like calling roadside assistance. And your response back to him was, I don't know how to do that. Yeah, that gets me. Like that would really bother me because if they didn't have that set up and if sister was out of town, You know, then I understand being in the middle of nowhere and wanting your partner to come help you. But the fact that your partner is working hard, which is also helping to help you provide for you, and you're asking your partner to drop everything before trying an alternate solution that would even that would work just as well.

1:05:38it's gas you know it's not the car didn't go and drive into a pond it's that would have been worse yeah that definitely would have been worse yeah i'm saying it didn't she's not in a place where at least it doesn't sound like where she's in danger she just needs gas it could be so simple yeah and so i think the fact that she's giving him such a cold shoulder afterwards for like an extended period of time is not, I don't think it fits the quote unquote crime. It's not constructive. No. Yeah. I think even if, let's say you weren't at work, let's say you were at home, it's the weekend, you're chilling.

1:06:23Still probably, if you already have the roadside assistance set up, it's still probably more convenient for both of you for them to just come put gas in real quick and you just come home. I know. It seems like that's probably more convenient all around if we're considering all of our time, unless you are in the middle of nowhere and it's going to take forever for them to get you. But it wasn't that impossible because you still made it to the school to pick up the kids. So what method was chosen? I completely agree with the both of you. also looking at the way he got ignored stonewalled like ma 'am it does not need to be that big of a deal you ran out of gas that's that was on you and maybe the car didn't beep at you sometimes they're quiet and sneaky i get it but that is still on you so to freak out and create such madness and spiral out to where you don't talk to your husband all weekend insane i also don't know how people get away with that like I couldn't get away with that even if I wanted to like my kind of a side note but like my my partner would literally not leave me alone he he would just be like can we talk can we talk can we talk like I don't know how people get away with this like yeah that's exactly what I was thinking yeah like I like I couldn't I literally couldn't like cold shoulder him for a weekend yeah even if I wanted to I mean it's so unhealthy when you're just taking it so far, right?

1:07:56I mean, you, you can be upset about the, about the one instance that this happened and, but you can't go, but you can't take it to, I can't depend on you. Cause now we're, we're casting this huge thing over the entire relationship of, I can't depend on you. After you've probably been able to depend on him many, many, many, many times before. So the one time that you made a mistake and it wasn't convenient because he's at work, has meetings and you're far away, it doesn't mean you can't depend on him. And that's a low blow. I feel like she could have been hangry in that moment, too. She could have just been so hungry.

1:08:41And that was the straw that broke the camel's back. But it still doesn't excuse the behavior. That is when you go and get yourself a McChicken and McChill. There is a comment here that says, need more info. Did she ever explain how she resolved her issue? How did she get the car working again? How did she pick up the kids on time? Where exactly was she when she called? And OP responds, She has not given me answers to any of those questions, and I've asked multiple times. What's the point? Why isn't she telling him? I'm kind of curious because this move, is this to teach him a lesson so that he never does this again?

1:09:24or is it just like so angry that you can't, you can't, you just can't get yourself to speak to him? Or is she embarrassed? And it's an ego thing. Cause like I think about it and like, I, I, I get really angry sometimes, but like, but being angry for, for like a whole weekend, like that hurts a lot of effort. That hurts me. Like that hurts me where it's like, it's like, I, I don't want to feel that angry for that long. And so I'm just curious if like, she really couldn't help herself or if she was, like, no, this is going to teach him a lesson. So he never does it again. I feel like it's an ego thing.

1:09:58I feel like it is teach a lesson. Top comment, not the asshole. Your wife just proved that she was in fact able to deal with the situation herself. I have zero patience for adults who can't manage situations like this. A, it was of her own making and B, there were so many options for solving it and dropping everything to go save her. That just enables her dysfunction further. It teaches her that she doesn't need to be responsible for herself. What if she never actually feels supported from him in a time like in general and it's been building up where in in terms of like his language maybe you know maybe like when she's sad she feels like he's really dismissive and this was finally like the last straw for her even though it sounds ridiculous to us.

1:10:46what if she's just was like if she if he hears me crying scared on the road will he actually help me this time and he didn't and then she's just like screw it I don't know that would be pretty diabolical if it was a test of course yeah and I feel like it'd be mentioned if it's a pattern when people write these it would say and this is just another thing in the string of this happening many times whereas it's not so much we need the other side's perspective to gain that it would I feel like it would be part of it maybe yeah it wouldn't be so isolated right yeah and I mean this is just like I'm just throwing stuff yeah we can advocate you know a little advocation for the other side it's not even like I don't I wouldn't even call it advocating it's just kind of more of like I'm just curious because we were talking about it a lot lately about like when we listen to these stories we're always curious what the other side would say and like how would she write this in would she be like i've been begging him for five years to just show me any ounce of support rather than just question me and be like well why were you out there anyway i just want him to be like hey like let me like let's talk this through like deep breaths we can do this and like maybe you know the you know yeah you're trying to rationalize why it got so crazy right when it didn't need to be right was it inconvenient was it annoying yeah yeah running out of gas is not fun it's happened to me I drove an old car and my gas gauge was broken and I thought I had gas and I didn't and right in the middle of dinky towns actually I was passing by a mcdonald's in Dinkytown and real bad place for your car to stop.

1:12:36The Dinkytown is the best McDonald's. I have great memories there. I'm not even kidding. I know. That's where everyone used to hang out. No, literally, I'm not kidding. I actually kind of forgot about this, but truly, did you, you were, no, you were St. Thomas, so. He missed out on that great experience. It was great. Like, specifically when you were like, never mind. It was just so fun. While we don't have an update from OP, that is all we got. That is your value vibe check brought to you guys by McDonald's. Because when it feels like everything is spiraling out of control, it's nice to have something simple, satisfying, and actually reliable.

1:13:21Unlike this gal's car. Head to your nearest McDonald's to try the under$3 menu and the$4 breakfast deal. McDonald's just gets it. Limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher for delivery. This one is also coming from Am I the Asshole? Titled, Am I the Asshole for refusing to catcall a customer's wife even though he asked us to? Catcall. Okay. I, 32 male, work as a cook in a restaurant with an open kitchen, so guests can see us and even talk to us while we work. Two days ago, while things were slow, a guy walks past our station and asked us for a favor. He tells us his wife would be walking by in a few minutes, and he wanted us to catcall her while she walked past.

1:14:10Stuff like whistling and telling her that she looks good. There are three of us on the stations at the time. Me, I'm black, a Hispanic guy, and a white guy. Before I could even process what he was asking me, the white guy speaks up and says, yeah, man, we got you. After the customer left, me and the other cook approached the white cook who had agreed and told him we were not comfortable with what he had agreed to do and that we were not going to do it. He got mad and said we already agreed, but we reminded him, no, we didn't. He agreed. Before he could reply, a server came and told us the guy's wife was about to walk by.

1:14:53I guess the server who took him to his seat told the other servers what was happening. A few minutes later, his wife walks by, and honestly, she was gorgeous. She was basically walking like she was on a runway, and it was pretty obvious that she knew what her husband had asked us to do because she was smiling the whole way to her table. But only the white cook, who had agreed, was whistling and cheering. Me and the other guy just stayed quiet and kept working. Once she sat down, the cook who did it and some of the servers who knew about the plan actually got on our case. They said we were spoil sports and made the whole thing awkward by not joining in, but I just didn't feel comfortable as a black man catcalling a white woman in a public space and felt it was a totally different situation for me than my white co-worker.

1:15:43Now, the vibe in the kitchen is weird because they think we were being too serious. am I the asshole here for just staying silent? You're so not the asshole. First of all, before the racial stuff, which totally changes it, like totally makes it a different thing. But before that, you're a cook. It's not your, you don't have to cat call. You don't have to do anything other than your job there. And I get it. It's like, oh yeah, well, we're all trying to have fun and we're doing it. And there's like a culture of the kitchen. This is so far beyond the bounds of where reasonable fun can be had. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then to add to it, you're a black man who would be catcalling a white woman in public.

1:16:29Yeah. Totally. You don't have to do that. No, not at all. You're there to work and make food, not participate in some customers weird side quest slash kink. Yeah. Like I don't want to be a part of this. Yeah. I didn't sign up for this. Yeah. And also everyone gets their own answer on that one. No one can answer for the three of you guys to say we're all going to do this. No. And the guy did it. She laughed. Great. They all had fun. You guys didn't want to do it. You didn't do it. That's fine too. Yeah. It sounds like everyone, it actually sounds like it was the best case scenario because the guy got one person in on it.

1:17:14Someone participated? I'm still shocked even that. I don't know where this happened. I can tell you that in a restaurant in New York, if you asked cooks to do that, there's no fucking way they would say yes to that. They'd be like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, they'd be like, shut the fuck up. I'm very curious where it is. also you don't know when you're getting approached with this situation you don't even know if the wife knows like you don't know if the wife is on board for this and if this did happen and goes wrong sexual harassment totally like then you're fired you're without a job for someone's silly little prank yeah no i also fucking hate that shit when like a couple's like oh come on mess with mess with my it's like I don't know your you know I get this at shows where where people you know will be like fucking destroy my boyfriend destroy my boyfriend and I'm like like roast him to shred and I'm like I don't know your boyfriend first of all I'm not in the business of wanting to destroy anyone but like I'm not here to settle I'm here to do what I do and if that so happens to intersect with what you wanted to happen, wonderful.

1:18:29But I'm not taking requests and nor should these people specifically. I mean, in my case, it's a little more reasonable because they're like, oh, he's a comedian that does crowd work. Maybe he would take requests. I don't, but it's at least more reasonable to think I might. If you're a cook, you do not have to take requests for social things that happen at the restaurant. No. also I'm like so confused about the roast my boyfriend roast my boyfriend I'm like do you like him and I get some people like have that sense of humor but I'm like I feel like that's a paid for request like you should find someone on yeah yeah like go to cameo find some dominatrix to do that you know yeah I don't like it's more up his alley it's also not my yeah it's not my style no so you don't know him what are you exactly I feel like roasts are kind of like a little personal yeah and like they have an inside scoop on the person yeah how do you roast a stranger yeah you can like do like oh you look like you know blah blah blah and if it ever jumps out to me like if I see someone that really looks like someone that I'm thinking of that I think is funny I might say it yeah but like I err on the side of never talking about how anyone looks which I think is a good thing for everyone.

1:19:45I love that. Yeah, this is so crazy. It's insane. Top comment. You do not have to participate in other people's kink. Resounding not the asshole. The whole situation was weird. Always follow your instincts when it can be twisted out of perspective into something nefarious. And a lot of people then start commenting about recording and how the husband could have been recording this to then put it on social media for like fake rage or whatever. Like I just saw this video coming out of New York where this person was like walking in front of a restaurant and they were like, they just turned me away because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:20:30And then the restaurant posted their security footage and was like, he never came in. He actually didn't step foot in our restaurant. so not sure what's happening. Yeah. I didn't, I'm probably like too naive to even think about that scenario, but that's like totally valid. Yeah. Do you, I mean, I feel like every person has their own rules with recording, but like no recording at your shows. It's typically a standup. Yeah. I mean, I don't, I'm not like a bulldog about it in that, like, I know at a, at certain points I've been on stage and I have seen someone with a camera out and I sort of just keep an eye on it.

1:21:08Like if it's, if it's out and then down pretty quickly, the original risk I think was standup is like, if someone would record one of your jokes and put it out and then it would go viral and sort of like quote, like burn that joke. Right. Cause like, I don't, so I do a lot of jokes at the live show, but I don't put them out for free. I save them because I want to sell them to like Netflix or someone and, and put them out as a special when they're ready and to have someone capture them either when they're not ready or when I didn't consent to them being captured. It's like, it's a minor concern, but the, the truth is like, if you want to record my joke and you want to put it out and it goes so viral that that joke is burned, I do see it as kind of helping me like all views sort of help so I'm not I'm not crazily you know but one thing that does happen is sometimes I'll be talking to someone or like doing crowd work with someone and someone next to them will record me that just gets me in my head yeah it's not that I care but I'm like what I say nicely is I go I'm recording it and I can get you guys a copy of it I watched one of your segments with that I think it was in like was it in Canada or something yeah exactly yeah and I say things live on stage that I wouldn't put on the internet.

1:22:27Well, and I think there's like a lot of like context within that room. And when you clip one little thing, it's like, well, you don't know what happened 15 minutes earlier that led us to this moment. And how comfortable the room is with this train of comedy and where we got to. So it's really hard when people then start recording. But when like with this one, you're like, oh, no, like this is actually like this could have been disastrous. Totally. Especially like all of these race implications, which someone does say like, not the asshole, very easy way to get fired. Someone else responds, plus Jesus Christ, asking a black and Hispanic man to sexually harass a white woman is absolutely a dumbass and potentially dangerous thing to do.

1:23:08Agreed. You absolutely made the right call. Plus you probably feel this way being, you know, the public facing nature of what you do. Similarly, but like you probably give more thought to being recorded, being paid attention to in public, how you act in public. Would you say that's correct? Yeah. Yeah. I think like I'm still, I'm in a really, really sweet spot where like I really don't get recognized that much. Like it's, it's really nice. People will recognize my voice quicker than they'll recognize my face, which is great. I can still grocery shop. I can go to Costco. I can do these things. But once I noticed that someone has kind of seen me and like you get that like double or triple take and you're like, oh fuck.

1:23:55And then it's like even more mentally like goofy when they don't say anything. And then I'm in my head. I'm like, well, did they? And I'm like, and then I'm hyper aware of how I'm acting, which isn't so different, but it's a weird concept when you feel that everyone's watching you. Totally. Even if they're not like it just I have anxiety. All that has to happen is it happens once. Yeah. And then you're just more attuned to it than you would have been. Yeah. Even if you're wrong, it's still the feeling that it might happen. But that causes you to be more thoughtful about these things probably. Like in my instance, I'm like, if I'm at a restaurant and I think the service is bad or someone's being rude to me, I do think about the fact that it's like, in addition to you should always do the right thing.

1:24:42Even when I'm frustrated or having a bad day, I try to remember that in addition to doing the right thing, it's best to just, just ignore and keep a low profile and, you know, um, but the people that don't have jobs like these probably don't give these things a lot of thought. And then it's like, someone puts you on the spot and this is an easy thing that he could have been like, yeah, okay, whatever. Just like to placate him and not make everything uncomfortable but like it's so sad that like him standing his ground is getting him all this flack and like you're actually a good guy for saying no like it was a smart it was smart snap decision to immediately go absolutely not overall vote on it is not the asshole you killed it there's no update it's 19 days old at this point in time we don't know where it is it's just kind of that's where it ends.

1:25:36That's where it ends for us. Also, I feel like you have a pretty high emotional intelligence. I do? Yeah. I'm still reflecting on the fact that I'm going to get killed over what I said about the fuckboy guy. I think you're fine. I think I'm going to get killed. Well, here, I'll give you another opportunity to make amends. The guy was a dick. The guy was a dick. He's so scared, you guys. Be nice, okay? The guy was a dick. No, I really do think the guy was a dick. I guess I'm just saying that when people are meeting each other and they're dating early on, everyone is overthinking what's happening and looking at the small stuff and wondering if there's meaning ascribed to it.

1:26:13And sometimes there isn't, sometimes there isn't. That's my take. But do I hear often that I have a high emotional intelligence? I do hear that often. Okay. I like that. I can see it. But I do think I'm a little bit more logic-oriented than I should be in terms of relationships. Business school maybe did that to you? Numbers? Yeah. Like a lot of times when I have fights in my relationship, it's about the fact that I'm sort of trying to walk out the logical steps. And sometimes it's not about that. It's about how someone's feeling. Whether or not you get on board with their rationale, it's kind of irrelevant.

1:26:52so I'm I come up short sometimes in that department but it's a lot of awareness though like I mean even your self-awareness you're like I try to do this which I know like isn't what's needed in that moment it's more about the feelings like I mean you're saying it so which means like you're aware of it and working on it yeah working on it we all fall short from time to time yeah no one's gonna have a perfect response 100 % of the time it's so interesting because like in my relationship we what we need from each other are the opposite of what we need for ourselves so like when I when something like really pisses me off I want my girlfriend to call me and be like hey it's not a big deal yeah you're gonna get through it it's gonna be fine she doesn't do that because what she needs for herself in that circumstances is the opposite so when she calls me what like have you ever heard like the like the question you should ask someone like do you want a solution or do you want comfort yeah exactly like she's solution based no no she is emotion based so like okay so when she if she calls me and she's like this fucked up thing happened yeah the last thing she wants is a solution the thing she wants is me to go you're right that is so fucked up and how you're feeling is absolutely valid yeah and what I want is for her to go forget about it's not a big deal.

1:28:11It's going to be solved this way. Sometimes what she does is she reacts the way she treats me the way she would want to be treated. And I treat her the way I would want to be treated. And it's not the golden rule does not apply in relationships all the time. You got to treat them how they would want to be treated, not how you would want to be treated. I know. I honestly think it's just like best to ask too. Cause like I'm immediately like my brain jumps to solutions. I'm like, oh my God, how can I fix this? It's going to be fine. You can do X, Y, and Z. And then the person is like, I just wanted you to tell me that was fucked up and let me vent.

1:28:45And I'm like, okay, I should have asked. I'm bad at that. I'm bad at being like, yeah, fuck that. Because to me, it doesn't feel productive. And I feel concerned that I'm just winding this person up. True. It's like you're increasing that spiral. Like I'm not helping them. feeding into it. Whereas like, to me, it feels most helpful to be like, well, let's just take a breath and like, let's, but, but I think to some people it's like, no, see what this is and be upset on my behalf. And like, don't just tell me to wind down. Like, I don't want to wind down. I'm wound up, you know? And so that's, I struggle with that a lot.

1:29:23And, but I have learned, it's so funny as you stay in a relationship with someone for longer, you learn to do it. And so like I am learning to be like fuck him like fuck him how long have you guys been together uh two years oh my gosh yeah okay so you're kind of in that spot of like we're really starting to understand each other anticipate needs yeah we're cruising into that like long-term relationship where it's like you've had the fights yeah now you were like okay we needed that growth yeah I feel like you have the fights then you have the fights again then you have the fight about how you keep fighting about the same thing.

1:30:02Okay. And then it all comes to a head and you're like, are we going to learn how to avoid these fights or are we going to break up? Yeah, you learn eventually. And then eventually, like, I think we're entering this phase where it's like, oh, right, we've had this fight before and we've had the fight about this fight before and we've had a fight about the fact that we've fought about this a bunch before. And now I'm finally realizing like, okay, this is how we avoid this fight. I like it. It takes time. Two years, you're like, I feel like by the three-year mark, you're like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:30:28We know what a boundary is now. We can do this. Yeah. I love that. So you're about to be a best man. I am. Okay. I've been before too. Have you? This is my second. For another sibling? No, for a best friend. Okay. Not your first rodeo. Yes. This one, I'm very curious what you think of. Coming from Am I the Asshole, titled, Am I the Asshole for making a kind of snarky comment at my sister's engagement dinner? And now everyone's mad at me. Okay, so this literally just happened last weekend, and it's still blowing up in my family group chat, so I need some outside opinions. My sister, 31 female, just got engaged, and we had this dinner thing at a kind of nice place.

1:31:11Like, not a crazy fancy place, but still the type where you feel like you shouldn't laugh too loud. LOL. Everything was fine. We were doing toasts and stuff. Her fiance is giving this speech, and at one point he says something like how much he loves that she's so honest and never hides anything, which, I don't know, just kind of hit me weird. Because, like, she absolutely has hidden stuff before, specifically from me. Basically, when we were younger, like 10 years ago, she secretly dated one of my close friends for months, and I only found out because I walked in on them. It caused a whole thing, and I lost that friendship over it.

1:31:55She really never apologized, just kind of brushed it off as we were young, which, okay, but still. Anyways, I wasn't planning on saying anything, but I'd had a couple of drinks and I just kind of muttered something like, quote, yeah, unless she decides to keep it a secret. And it got quiet fast. She immediately got mad and was like, are you serious right now? and her fiance was confused and asking what I meant. I didn't fully explain it. I just said it was old stuff and whatever. But yeah, the mood was dead after that. Dinner ended pretty awkwardly and she texted me later saying that I humiliated her and that I always do this, which I don't, question mark, question mark.

1:32:40My parents are also on her side saying I picked the worst possible time and should have just let it go. I mean, maybe the timing sucked, but also am I wrong for still being annoyed about something she never actually owned up to? I don't know. Am I the asshole? Yes. Yes. To me, yes. Because there's a different venue for this conversation. You're not the asshole for feeling some type of way about this. This is way in the past and taking a moment that she is celebrating, a big moment for her when any day of the week you could have this conversation in the past. I mean, I understand why you were spurred by this comment of I never hide anything and why that might have rubbed you the wrong way in the moment.

1:33:25And you'd had a couple of drinks and fine. Like it was that comment that triggered you to respond. But you don't have to respond. You don't have to respond. This is her day, her moment. And you can fix the relationship or not. Is this something that's on your mind a lot? If not, you can let it go. I actually think it's totally fair to hold on to something that happened when you're way younger, but not to air it out in front of your family, in front of the fiance. That is a private conversation. Yeah, like, and clearly you didn't say it really in jest because it was received in jest and you didn't even seem to think you said it in jest.

1:34:04So, yes, you're the asshole. Also, you didn't say like, oh, you lied to me about your ex. Like, you literally said, yeah, unless she decides to keep it a secret. no context yeah it sounds very ominous it's like it almost sounds like you're accusing her of like cheating on her fiance thank you yes yeah like in my head i'd be like oh my god yeah did you just drop a bomb are you accusing her of cheating right now on him yeah that's horrible also this is where i might have my hot take for the day i might i don't know you might yell at me you guys I do think she's kind of ridiculous for holding on to this 10 years later Sister was 21 at the time And you're mad 10 years later That she lied to you about hooking up with one of your friends I will take the other side of this Okay The reason is not because of the incident Wait, was it hooking up with one of the friends Or someone that she was hooking up with too?

1:35:06I think it was just one of her friends. It was just one of her friends? Yeah. Oh, I thought she had like stolen her. She secretly dated one of my close friends for months. Listen, when someone does some like shady secret shit, whether how shady it was is debatable. Still hurt. Okay. It still hurt. My view is I just like when someone who's like, if it's my sibling or a best friend, keep something from me like that. I'm just like, okay, now I know this about you that you're like willing to. To lie to me. Yeah, in that way. Like the trust is gone. Like, yeah, like you don't think I could have handled it if we just had a mature conversation.

1:35:43So like I understand why that might be buried somewhere within her. Same reason why like, you know, every once in a while, I mean, I don't know if you've ever had like the misfortune of, you know, I've been to my grandparents' funerals and you like know that your mom or dad has like a complicated relationship with them. and then you watch these like all ultra positive eulogies and I just see my mom like, well, that's not always how he was. It's like, I understand why these moments where someone, where you see praise being hepped upon someone whom you have certain issues with. I understand why that's challenging because you're like, oh, okay, we're just gonna ignore all the negative stuff.

1:36:23And the answer is yes. At an engagement dinner, you ignore all the negative stuff. At a wedding, you ignore the negative stuff. At a funeral in the eulogy, you ignore the negative stuff or you say the negative stuff as a joke really diplomatically. But these are not the moments, you know, where you air out the shitty things about someone. They get these days to have the record whitewashed a little bit. I completely agree. Like time and place for everything. I also just feel I'm like if you're still dealing with this 10 years later, like it doesn't sound like she ended up with that friend anyways.

1:37:00I'm curious if it impacted their friendship so greatly that like you lost that best friend of yours, then okay, that really sucks and is obviously maybe more justified. We don't have any comments from OP highlighting or alluding to any of that. But I would say like, if you couldn't keep it in at this very important dinner for your sister, you need to go to therapy. Like you need to address this. And maybe it's therapy with her. Maybe you literally go and you're like, we need to hash this out because this feels like shit yeah you gotta hash it out but like not there not there not in these moments like whether you still have a little bit of hurt inside over what happened 10 years ago it shouldn't be so close to the surface that you're willing to to just kind of like refer to it to to like backhandedly undercut her in in this moment.

1:37:51Like it should be, you have to process it enough over the course of 10 years that I don't blame you one bit for that little light bulb going off where she goes, I never hide anything. And you're like, I'm fucking, yeah, you fucking do. Yeah. But that's, but that is not a moment for you to mention it. And overall vote did agree. Overall vote, asshole. Yeah. Big red banner at the top, top comment. You're the asshole. It wasn't kind of snarky. It was, I'm intentionally going to ruin this night for my sister because she hooked up with someone over 10 years ago and I reacted so poorly to it that I lost a friendship over it.

1:38:27Now you get to lose a sister too. That might be a little harsh. Hopefully their relationship can recover from it. This episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam-packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go-to place to find those fits. I just went to Europe and basically every single one of my outfits was from Revolve. And I've never, never been complimented more. So whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a summer trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve always has it.

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1:39:50It can unlock better rates, more options, and real savings. So whether you're moving, leasing a car, or upgrading your cards, it feels good knowing your credit is working for you. When you start to feel like there's too much on your plate, you can count on Credit Karma for less craziness and more credit. Next comment, you're the asshole. You held a grudge for 10 years and decided to make a snarky remark at her engagement dinner? How childish. Next comment. Hard. You're the asshole. Grow up. You were kids. Choosing her wedding event to make a public snarky comment is appropriate and immature. And they just keep just pounding, pounding it on.

1:40:30Adding it on. Okay. I've got one last one for you. It's titled, am I the asshole for not putting a garden gnome on my lawn? I only ever take to the subreddit for stupid things, it seems. Hi, 26female here. I recently bought my first house in a cute little neighborhood. There's 12 houses in our street. No HOA. No rules about lawn design. Only a rule that roofs can't be black. Cool. Whatever. My neighbor, we'll call him Mr. Thomas, 65-ish male, right across the street, has his garden stuffed. And I mean stuffed, all caps, with garden gnomes. They're everywhere. They climb up the water drain, they're on the porch, on the grass, it's a whole thing.

1:41:15Not my style, but fine. I moved in the first week of March, and the day after, Mr. Thomas came to say hello. He introduced himself and brought me a garden gnome as a welcome gift. I thought it was absolutely hideous, but I thanked him, and then I put it in the shed after he left. The following day, I brought all neighbors some self-made cookies. Mr. Thomas and his wife got some too, and they seemed happy about it. Two or three days later, I was walking my dog, and Mr. Thomas stopped me and asked why I hadn't put my gnome in my front yard. I didn't tell him I hated the gnome. I just told him I had something else in mind for my garden, which I just hadn't gotten around to yet.

1:41:58And the gnome was doing a formidable job guarding my tools in the shed. He got really upset and snappy with me and told me that he's been living on the street for 30 years and every neighbor gets a gnome as a welcome gift and every neighbor puts them up in the front yard. I hadn't really paid it any mind up until that point, but once he mentioned it, I noticed that there was a garden gnome in every front yard. He mentioned how it's tradition and everybody's got to do it. I asked him if he wanted the gnome back, if he didn't like where I put it. He said no. So I just calmly told him that I most likely wasn't going to put the gnome on the front lawn, thanked him for the gift again, wished him a nice day, and I left.

1:42:47Ever since then, I noticed that a handful of other neighbors have let their gnomes disappear. And now Mr. Thomas hates me. I get a stink eye every time we spot each other. And my neighbor next door, the sweetest old lady, bless her heart, told me that he's apparently complaining about me on the regular. I told my friends this story and one of them said I should have just put the gnome on the front lawn to make the old man happy. Am I the asshole for not doing this? This is fascinating. First of all, you're not the asshole. You're not the asshole. That's just goes without saying. Okay. This guy's obviously mentally ill.

1:43:29I mean, obviously this guy has a thing with gnomes and it's not your job to appease his thing for gnomes. No. That said, if you had taken me back to the day, you're here, you are, you've made your bed and clearly you've started a bit of a revolt among the neighbors. Oh, they are rising up. Yeah. Yeah, clearly if the other gnomes are disappearing, everyone went, wait, hold on. She's just not going to do this. So then none of us have to do this. So you've actually, you've started a movement. A revolution. A revolution. And you are the messenger that will be killed as a result. I think at this point, you've taken a stand and I respect the stand you took.

1:44:14And I don't think there's anything to do from here. I think he doesn't like you because he's a sick man. He's sick. And he's not, you know, it doesn't. The gnomes are a disease. The gnomes, he's not well. Well people don't behave this way. So he's obviously. Have gnomes or react badly to not putting a gnome gifted? Yes, correct. Okay. Both. Being overflowing with gnomes is weird. And it's a disease. and then caring whether you, you know, how you use his gift and actually being like public facing about it, like bad mouthing you is weird and not well. What I would have said if you had, if we were all to go back in time, but again, this does not make you the asshole is I would have said, just put out the fucking gnome because you just moved into this neighborhood.

1:45:11and the last thing you want is a guy that lives next to you being pissed off at you for like some stupid reason and maybe over time you can slowly move it a foot back every day until it's behind a bush until yeah and or you know or just deal with it like I so I move I live in a co-op in New York City okay and it's New York City co-ops are very famously like very beefy crazy hard to get into fun and I have there's only four units in my building okay and I have one of them so you know tight-knit group yes and my unit has the roof on it oh and there's two portions of the roof okay there's an unfinished portion of the roof that is basically like where the HVAC stuff you know, like all the machinery that kind of the generators and stuff lives.

1:46:08And technically, when you're in a co-op, everyone owns one fourth of the building. So technically, we all own one fourth of the back portion of the roof. And then I have a private area that it came with my apartment that is my private roof deck. And when I was getting the place, all of the people who were on the board to approve me were like, hey, one thing we've been thinking is we should take the portion of the roof that we all own and build it out and put like different stuff there and furniture and make it like a shared roof deck. Meanwhile, I'm thinking like no fucking way. Yeah, hell no.

1:46:46Because like I'm paying for, my thing was advertised as you have the private roof. And though on a technicality, we all own this like one fourth area of the roof. Like I don't want that to be public access because one, it's right next to my bedroom. My bedroom's like attached. I was going to ask, like, is your unit still like you'd hear them tromping around? I would lose a lot of privacy. A lot. And I was not okay with that. So you lied. So I was like, yeah, let's just see. Like, let's just vibe it out. Like, I'm totally not opposed to that. Meanwhile, in my head, I'm like, I'm totally opposed to this, but I'm like, let me just get into the building.

1:47:22Let me build a relationship with these people. and as I built a relationship with them, first of all, no one has mentioned it since and I've been in there. I mean, granted, I got in in the winter, so. Is this your first summer? Yeah, it's gonna be my first summer. So maybe it comes back. Maybe I'll be watching this podcast like, fuck, I handled this wrong. But so far. No, because you got in. Yeah, I got in. There's no contract. You didn't sign anything. And so far, no one's mentioned it. And I think what I would do is, and now that I've built a relationship, now that I have a good relationship with these people, they're not unreasonable people.

1:47:54You know what I mean? So it's like, I just think you never want your, the first thing you do in a relationship to be like you poo-pooing someone because they will read you as a person, even if you're totally in the right, which you are in this case. It's like you, by no obligation, do you have to have a gnome in your yard, but you never want that to be like the first thing that people know about you is that you're like a, you're like a no person. So instead, you know, that I've said yes to now so many things that I'm hoping that if the roof conversation is raised again, I could politely be like, Hey guys, I've given it some thought.

1:48:33It's really close to my bedroom. And like, I'm not going to fight you tooth and nail on this, but like, if we could not build that unfinished portion of the roof into a shared roof deck, that would really, really mean a lot to me. and the way that I conduct myself in my apartment. And my hope would be, and I think this is correct, that they'd be like, yeah, fair enough, you know? Yeah. My fingers are crossed for you. Mine are crossed for me too. Well, I also have neighbor beef now, but it's from the other building because I have a dog and my dog pees on the roof and on the unfinished part, actually.

1:49:10And this neighbor, an older lady, has started to open up her window and just scream, get your fucking dog off the roof. But she doesn't live in our building. And so I've never seen her. It's only my girlfriend that's seen her. I've been on tour every time this has happened. But it's your roof. It's our roof. She has nothing to do with it. Where does the bee go? Do you wash it? Do you like have a hose and spray it down? Yeah, we have a hose. Do you have one of those grass pads? They mail you grass? We did get those. It's like real grass. But then we just kind of, there's drains up there. So we just kind of, and it's not a roof that anyone inhabits.

1:49:41Like there's no furniture on this. Gotcha. So it's like trash goes there. Interesting concept. P goes there. In New York, it's so different because, like, we don't have a yard we can just let her out on. No, it's like— I literally was walking down the street the other day and, like, just—I mean, dogs just have to poop on the sidewalk. It's a tough life for a city dog. I wish, like, we could just have a doggy door to a place where she could freely run anytime she needed to go. I like the grass pad. When my dog had surgery on her hip, we ordered, like, the grass subscription. And it's, like, it's literally real grass.

1:50:11Yeah, that's what we did. And then it's got a tray and you rinse the tray, which I guess— I don't know. Maybe it's the same if you're just rinsing your roof. We ordered it, but then eventually realized that it was ultimately kind of the same thing. The same thing, yeah. To like put grass, like, because we didn't need the space beneath the grass to be clean. Oh, that's crazy. But so she yells at us. She's sitting at her window waiting for you. Yeah. And she, I think her issue is like one time our dog was barking. So she yelled, but it was barking at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday and it's New York City. Like dogs bark in New York City.

1:50:41And then she was like yelling about the barking. but then the more she yelled at our dog, the dog started barking at her. Well, of course. And then now the dog, when the dog sees her, our dog barks at her. And so that makes her even more angry. And then the other problem is like the roof doesn't have like adequate guardrails. Okay. So she's worried that our dog will run off the roof, which like - That might be valid. Fair, but she doesn't have to like scream at us about it. And also like our dog's not gonna run off the roof because like our dog has walked up to the edge and looked over and realizes that it's a building.

1:51:11So our dog's not going to like kill herself. Well, I don't, I don't want to scare you. I'm going to get in trouble. No, no, no, no, no. Well, I think some sort of railing would be advisable. Well, yeah, our roof portion has, so the back area has no adequate railing. She just goes out, pees, and then we leave. Gotcha. She doesn't like play out there or anything. Where she plays, we have railings. Yeah. So I had a German Shepherd. He loved balls, loved a ball. And his ball rolled off of our deck. He jumped off the deck and broke his leg. So they're smart until they're not. Yeah. Well, definitely we're never going to throw balls.

1:51:48Not unattended. Yeah. There you go. Off of our roof. Because it is like. Well, he didn't throw it. He pushed it off. He pushed it off. We don't have balls up there for her. There you go. You're fine. You're fine. She's a puppy still and I'm a new dog owner. So now that I think about this, I go, yeah. I've definitely seen her walk up to the edge close enough that I've screamed at her. Yeah. And I've been like, yo. You freaked her out. Like, don't. yeah you stay away and now she stays away but okay it did it is occurring to me as you say this that that's not an adequate level of just a fence a little fence she's less likely to hop a fence i'm so sorry i've like literally sending you out of here with so many new fears yeah i'm so fucked i'm so sorry this is just the way my brain thinks i catastrophize everything um it's no but this one well kind of all of them you've been right on so i don't know if i might be under catastrophizing things i may lack a level of anxiety i should have no no please don't don't no it's an unhealthy world to live in anxiously because you want to know what my first thought when i heard this story i go what's in those gnomes is there a microphone in those gnomes is he spying on all the neighbors is that why every neighbor gets a gnome and he's so adamant put it on your front porch he totally could be but it's like i know but that's i don't think Mr.

1:53:07Thomas is micing up the gnomes. I think it's just like, neighborhood is so weird. And it's political. Yeah, because people, their head, and this isn't where their heads should go, in my opinion. Yeah. But your first thought when you have any kind of issue with a neighbor isn't just, are we having an issue? It's, and then it's forever next to this person. It's like a marriage you didn't sign up for. And so people get extra worried because it contains all this heightened emotion of forever. Yeah. When in reality, a lot of things are forever and relationships can be repaired as can be, you know, I've been watching this documentary Neighbors.

1:53:48I was going to bring it up. It's amazing. It's so good. It's so good. Do you see the Judge Judy one about the cats? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's unreal. You guys, Neighbors on HBO. Check it out. It's so funny and palatable and crazy and just it's like kind of a weird mix to me between like documentary and reality yeah it's got kind of a reality element but it's fundamentally shot like a documentary it's great but my view is like things can be fixed and absolutely and like if if this guy starts to make your life hell or like if you're anxious walking out of your house because you're like fuck i'm gonna run into this fucking guy then i bet you could still like take the gnome put it out somewhere where he wants it and be like hey you know I thought about it and like it was really considerate of you to get us a gnome and I'm sorry for putting it in the shed like that was really you could just say something you don't believe just tell this old man what he wants to hear if you want or if you want yeah or you can just be but you're not the asshole no not the asshole at all and like I think in some cases I do like placating people there's a story I have saved and it's this person who's like me and my you know ex we're getting divorced and he's making me sign a stipulation that he'll only agree to the divorce if I change my last name and I'm like what like well just lie just say like don't put it in the contract yeah because then if you sign it but just say yeah okay I'm for sure I'll change it of course I'll change you don't have to change it yeah just lie and I'm like people people probably like lines bad I'm like but in certain cases with certain people, it's just kind of the easiest way forward.

1:55:23And if it's a lie, that's like, I don't know, doesn't hurt anyone. Yeah. Or even, you know, I'm probably down. You know what I mean? Like, you know? Non-committal. Yeah. Yeah, I'll get to it. Because you don't know how you'll feel. Maybe you'll want to change your name later. You probably won't. But it's like, just, you know. I like the non-committal. Yeah. Don't lie. Just be noncommittal. Yeah. That's a happy medium for everyone. Top comment on this one. I love that the other gnomes have been disappearing once they saw you take a stand. The idea that this gnome guy has been bullying the whole neighborhood with gnomes for years and they were just waiting for a hero to come along to free them from the gnomes is so funny.

1:56:04Not the asshole. Amazing. I agree. Not the asshole. We do get an update. Thanks all for the input. I gave the gnome a new home at my local secondhand shop this morning oh oh shit you've raised the stakes to the people asking about the roof color yeah it's a heat absorption thing and to the people worrying about me being ostracized from the community it's literally just mr thomas that i have an issue with the rest is friendly towards me even mrs thomas smiled back at me last night when i got home from work while mr thomas ignored me so i think i'll be fine yeah it's fine as long as long yeah the The biggest thing is like you don't seem anxious about it.

1:56:44So if it's not ruining your life, then it's totally fine. I honestly wish I had this level of confidence. Yeah, me too. Security. I'd be anxious. I'd be like, oh. I would have put it out. I would have folded. Me too. I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I would have definitely put that out. I respect her for not. But yeah, I agree. I would have just done it. Yeah. No update. So, I mean, for beyond that. I mean, the gnome's gone. That guy's gonna die soon. I mean, yeah. He's only 65. Oh, really? 65-ish. I don't know. It's just like people that have like - You were so optimistic a second ago. Don't wish death upon him.

1:57:21I don't know. I don't wish death upon him. I'm just saying it - Don't do that to us. Once you get to the phase of your life where you're like hoarding gnomes, it feels like death is not far. Do you not hoard anything? No, I don't think. You don't have any yogurt collections? No. That was a big story. This guy had a yogurt collection. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Do you hoard anything? Vintage furniture. I unfortunately collect vintage furniture with my dad. Oh, cool. And we ran out of space, so we had to rent an airplane hanger. And now that's full. And so now I have to stay off Facebook Marketplace.

1:58:00Whoa. It's a problem. That's really cool, though. Have you thought of selling it? So that's our plan, but we have to refinish it. Whoa. Hit me up. I love that shit. I'll show you. I'll show you some stuff. Like some 70s. It's 60s, 70s. Yeah. It's from this one designer that was like in LA and it's really cool stuff. Oh, I love that. I love like shit that looks like it's built in. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh. Seats within larger wood things. Yeah. I'll show you the design on my house because we did like a 70s inspired LA type of vibe, but you can't go all the way in New York because it's... New York?

1:58:33Yeah. You just can't have too much wood inside New York because then you look outside and it's concrete and it's all wrong. interesting but we did kind of that and you might be i'm excited to see it yeah lucas thank you so much for coming on where can people find you you're on tour you have a podcast with your mom oh yeah so i'm dropping it's going to be a limited series if you liked my advice vibes i it's going to be an advice podcast not dissimilar from this format love it but with listener advice questions but done by myself and my mother. And we're going to do a limited three to four episode series in the three to four weeks leading up to Mother's Day.

1:59:11So it'll be there, put on YouTube, and then never again. Oh, it's like right around the corner too. Yeah, it's not going to be recurring. It's just going to be those few episodes. And then besides that, I'm a stand-up comic. Check me out. Lukazelnik.com is all of my tour dates. And Lukazelnik on Instagram and TikTok. And then I'm on YouTube. Forget what my YouTube handle is, but just look up Lukazelnik. It'll all be tagged in the description. Super easy for you guys to find and check out a show. I need to come to a show and witness all this in person because your inquisitiveness, I don't know, you're just so inquisitive with people and the way you can handle such awkward situations and like sit in it and yet comfortably ask questions and move through it while being funny is just like such an art and a gift.

1:59:59so you guys definitely want to check out a show um you're doing like netflix as a joke so much cool stuff so be sure to look at lucas's links in the description and other than that until next time guys bye

2:00:29Thank you.

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