270: Painful Truths? Ft. Joshua Bassett

33:37I mean, if someone's like off pitch, that's, that's pretty objective, you know, there's no taste thing, but then there's also artists that I think their voice is not very good and people really liked it and vice versa. So. I know. I don't think the average person realizes, cause like I sure didn't before being with someone who's like in that world, there's so much technology that like can make an artist that doesn't have the strongest vocals sound amazing. Like Melodyne. Yeah. Oh yeah. And like stuff like that where I'm just like, literally if they're off key or like sing the note wrong, it'll just like, it can put them there.

34:09Yeah. And if they're super bad, like then it starts to sound too fakey. Yeah. But it's just crazy to me. Yeah. There's like a certain amount where they can be off tune. They're like, you can hear the auto tune. You know what I'm saying? But so that's like, if they're within like 30 % accurate of the note, then you can make it, get away with it pretty well. But yeah, I mean, ultimately like some artists, their recorded music is what they're known for. And some artists are live music. Like some, both are great. Yeah. Like Sienna Spiro. I don't know if you know her. She's up and coming. She's one of the greatest voices I've ever heard in my life.

34:41And like hearing her live was one of the best things I've ever experienced. But then there's other artists I won't mention who like the recording sounds really great. And then I see them live and I'm like, ooh, it's not really there. But also there's a lot of artists that even when they are live, they're still using auto-tune and stuff like that. Or they're pretending to sing. And so there's a lot of faking that happens with it. So you can get away with a lot. In a day and age of AI, although I don't endorse using AI at all. in music and stuff. It's insane. Yeah. I mean, dude, there was one artist I fell for recently.

35:09Is it the Stick Figures song? I don't know. I don't think Stick Figures. Is there one you're talking about? Okay, so you tell your story. Well, basically, there was this one song that I thought was really fucking great. I just added it to my playlist. And then I saw TikTok where someone was like, this artist is completely AI. And I was like, no way. And there was another time I was in an Uber and they were playing this music. And I specifically was like, man, there's so much soul in this artist. Like, fuck, there's so much soul. I got to find them. And I couldn't find them anywhere. And I asked the guy for a YouTube video.

35:37And it was like AI renditions of like old classics or whatever. And it was completely fake voices. And I was like actually so deeply disturbed. Now I think I'm better at spotting the AI stuff. Yeah. But what was your story? So there's a song that just went super viral on TikTok. And people were like, this is the best song I've ever heard. Stick figures? Stick figures. and I saved the actual song and they stole every single lyric but just did like a dance version of it and stick figures came across it and he's like they didn't reach out they didn't credit me from a lawsuit standpoint like with copyright and publishing rights and all this stuff like insane oh yeah but like it's just someone prompting an AI thing and like they then stole this song and it's just like oh but i think now like because he found it they've worked it out where yeah like it's either like give me credit and give me rights to the song otherwise like you're done totally so but it's still it's just like it's messed up there was somebody that made a video about this that artist i was mentioning earlier and she was like it's really frustrating as somebody who makes music like like when it feels like they're stealing all this like attention and and um getting all these accolades for music that's not even real and one of the comments was I'd rather listen to their good AI music than your shitty real music.

36:57So I'm going to stick to listening to them. And I was like, oh God, we're cooked, bro. But it's, it's just such a weird time. It's so, it's so unprecedented, you know? Um, it's, I'm curious to see where it goes. I have a feeling we're going to start to swing as a society toward, uh, you know, I think we, we had the boom of technology and we're still in that boom of technology, but I think we're going to start to see a swing into a lot more real, like people getting flip-flowns again and people doing more real world activities. And I think that I'm hoping that we start to step away from this where technology is a great tool and a servant, but it's, it's, we realize that we're missing our real lives.

37:33I know that's not what we were talking about at all, but. No, no, no. But I think that that human connection, it's, it definitely like needs to come back. Like the village is something we always talk about on the show where it's like, we need the village again. Back to this one though. The top comment is, I think at the very least you should tell him that he was being a jerk towards the guitar player. If he's going to make a habit of going to open mics, then he's going to need to learn to make nice with the other musicians. Duh. Someone responds, speaking as a musician, if you don't think you suck, you probably suck.

38:05That's bars. Someone else says he's not right in the head. Bars are when you like, it's like, I'm just kidding. You might have to keep going. I need like a Gen Z lingo. Oh, please. Am I Gen Z? Yeah. I think millennials ended 1996 Oh is it Is Gen Z next Yeah Then you have Gen Z Yeah you're not alpha As long as I'm not alpha No all respect to alpha Alpha's the future I Are you a silent screamer What the hell does that mean Okay good Apparently it's a Gen Z thing So I figured you'd know Silent screamer Yeah my friend Lauren She's firmly a millennial But like Okay It's like It's this Gen Z thing Where it's like You get excited But you don't say anything You just go And silent scream No That was my reaction It scared me No, I don't fuck with that at all.

38:51I was like, are you okay? I didn't know what was happening when she did it. Nah. There's another comment here that said, he's not right in the head. There's no way to stand in front of a crowd and perform and get the vibe 100 % wrong. Also, please record, landscape please, and post. Pretty please. I'll pay$15 for this. I'd pay more than that. I would literally, I'd probably pay 100 bucks. Maybe two to see this. Yeah. The funny thing is that I find that the most successful and most talented people are the most supportive of other artists and the most kind. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

39:26No, a lot of times. Yeah. It's just funny that like, who are you to be shitting on this guy when you can't even hold a tune? Yeah. No, that's one thing I do love about like going to Nashville and going to the writers rounds. Yeah. And like hearing where these stores. Everyone's so supportive and stuff. Yeah. Like the music scene there is so supportive. Totally. Very different to the LA music scene. And I'm not even in music, but I get all the tea. 100%. But okay, moving on to this next one. This is coming from a subreddit called r slash marriage. Okay. And it's titled, my husband told me he was writing a poem for me.

40:03It wasn't a poem. I accidentally read something my husband wrote about me and now I don't know how to feel. Last year, he told me he was writing a poem for me. He writes a lot in Notion, and recently I saw a page with my name on it. I genuinely thought it would finally be the poem he once mentioned. I know I shouldn't have opened it, and I already feel guilty about invading his privacy, but I did it. What I found was not a poem. Nervous. There were pages of negative things about me and our marriage. He called me names like moron and even compared me to a mohole kianti who just gossips. He wrote down every small thing I've ever said or done that upset him, even harmless discussions that I thought were normal between partners.

40:54For example, I once made a neutral comment about his friends during a healthy discussion, and he wrote about that too as proof that I'm negative. He also wrote about how much he is struggling in the marriage, how I don't appreciate him, and included criticism about my family too. I think what hurts most is not that he's unhappy sometimes, I know marriages are hard, but that he seems to see me as this stupid, negative, annoying person. I never wanted my partner to secretly view me with contempt. Now, I don't know how to act around him because I've seen thoughts I probably never was supposed to see.

41:30I feel embarrassed, hurt, and honestly, heartbroken. A part of me wants to confront him, and a part of me feels like I can never unsee this and will never feel the same around him again. Has anyone ever gone through something similar? Were these just private venting thoughts, or should I take this as how he truly sees me? That's tough. That's tough. I mean, I think it can be healthy to, like, vent in, like, a journal or whatnot. And like, sometimes you'll have feelings towards someone that are like temporary or that are, I don't know, like sometimes be annoyed by somebody and I'll just get it all out.

42:05And then after I get it out, I'm like, okay, I just was like frustrated about this other thing. And they happen to be the victim of my frustration in that moment, but it's not like an active thing. So I think that there's definitely room and space for that. She shouldn't have read his journal or his private stuff. But I think again, if that becomes chronic, if that's like how he always feels about her, then why would they be together? I know that's my like my question where I'm like, has there never been an inkling? Because I think like this is obviously a marriage, but I think this happens with friendships too, where you find out a friend said something about you.

42:41And it's like, how do you come back from that? I think, you know, you being in the public sphere, like people are going to talk. And it's really hard when then you come across that negative stuff. And it's like, it's not meant for you to come across. Like, was it there venting in that moment or like whatever it is, but it's still, it's still hurtful. Yeah, of course. And so it's like, how do you deal with it when you do find it? Even if those were his like journal thoughts, but like, is there still truth to it? Like, it's just like, I'm all over the place. I'm like, how do you go from here? Yeah, no, I hear you.

43:14And you can't also unsee it, you know? And then it's like in the back of your head when you're with someone. This would shatter me. Yeah, I think it might be over. I don't know, man. And I think, like I said, even though it is temporary, maybe the feelings that he has, once that, yeah, once the worms are out of the jar, is that what they say? Can? Yes. Once the worms are out of the can, you know, you can't really put them back in. And I'm a big analogy guy over here. Oh, you just, you fit in so well here because I botch every saying. Yeah. I forget. Oh, God. I was doing a show, a thing at the Huntington Beach Barnes & Noble yesterday for my book.

43:49Oh, my gosh. I finished this like really emotional song about like, um, suicide and not, not taking her life and stuff. And I said, don't underestimate. I'm going to butcher it again, but I, I said, don't underestimate the absence your hole would leave, which is not the right way to say it. It's meaning like, don't underestimate the hole your absence would leave. I think I said it right now. The absence your hole would leave. It didn't, it didn't work. Just, it was so. Don't underestimate the absence your hole. your hole would leave it it sounds really really wrong but i totally understood it 600 people i was like oh my god bro this was supposed to be in like an emotional moment and now i've just made it incredibly awkward so i'm looking forward to that being on my for you page but um anyways uh we were saying worms oh yeah once that stuff's like it's really hard to bounce back from that i think and you know again he can say it was just temporary but i i don't know if i was her i'd be I'd be pretty upset.

44:46I know I would too. Like it would crush me to hear this from my partner where it's like, I wish you just would have like talked to me about this. And like, I've gone through something similar with a friend where she like ignored me for a couple of months and like, wouldn't tell me what was wrong. And I was, I was like very blindsided by like the fact there was even an issue. And she was like, I just need space to like, you know, form my thoughts, whatever. and to me that felt like even more of a punishment and I took it as a punishment right because I'm like I don't even understand what the issue is and when we ended up reconnecting she was like you know I just feel like a lot of times like you're just you're constantly negative and I'm like well I feel like I thought we had a friendship where we would we would vent to each other like you know you vent to me about work all the time and if that's not you know the the space that we are creating for each other that's fine I'll reserve my venting where I'm negative for other people but like I wish you just would have communicated with me that there was an issue yeah and so it's a tough one it's so tough and now imagine like your partner like someone you literally committed to being with yeah well because that's the thing like there's some people where like I have opinions or thoughts or whatever and it's just like it doesn't feel appropriate to like bring it up you know but then yeah like you said when it's your partner especially like you're married like it's tough but then it's also like I don't know if I was the guy like it's hard to like tell someone you think these things about them you know like but the question isn't should he have brought him up my question is if he really thinks all these things should they even stay together it's like so I don't know it's tough because you don't want to hurt their feelings and stuff because some of this is like subjective stuff it's one thing when it's like hey I don't like when you don't do the dishes or I don't like when this happens or the way you talk to me in this way.

46:31That's different. That's worth a discussion. But if you're just like, this person's an idiot and they're so fucking stupid and like, why are you with them? If that's what you feel about them, you know what I'm saying? And like, you're allowed to have feelings and frustrations. And I think when you get in any kind of long-term partnership with anybody and of any kind, there's going to be naturally ways in which you guys get on each other's nerves. And there's like things you get upset about or annoyed by, like that's totally natural, but it sounds like this guy might never be satisfied. I don't know.

46:57It is interesting. The top comment really picks on like what you're saying too. Look, everyone deserves a safe space to vent and air out their feelings, emotions and frustrations. But not once in my 17 years of marriage have I ever even privately belittled my wife with names like moron. Just putting that out there. Yeah, absolutely agree. I have also never belittled my wife with words like moron. I don't have a wife, but yes. No, but like, it's like, even like your friends where it's just like, I think sometimes like you, you wake up and you're like, God, I'm, I'm friends with my biggest hater.

47:33Yeah. And it's just like, I can't even imagine saying, oh my God, my friend is such a fucking moron. Yeah. Like, no, like, no, like it's just so disrespectful. And it's like, that doesn't feel like love. A hundred percent. So. I fully agree. Again, I get being frustrated though, because I have been frustrated with my friends, but it's very temporary. you know what I'm saying like you work through it and then you move on versus like if you're constantly feeling that way but I mean there's a lot of people who are like secretly in their heart very very evil and mean and unkind and they can hide it for a while but eventually it kind of comes out like in this scenario where she's now finding this like stuff on his computer it's so wild to me how different people can be in their heart versus what they perform and what they present yeah and like you know again some people are really good at performing and keeping it hidden.

48:22But then, you know, they say like, if you squeeze a lemon, you're going to get lemon juice, right? Like you're not going to get apple juice if you squeeze a lemon. And ultimately the point is that whatever is on the inside is what comes out when someone gets squeezed. And so if this person has hatred in their heart, then this person squeezing them, that's what's going to come out. You know what I'm saying? So like you can hide it, but like ultimately you can't fake who you are forever is basically what I'm saying. And a lot of people in their heart are really not great people i literally just like yes i need to roll the tapes and like i need i'm gonna listen to it again when jenna sends me the edit but like whatever you squeeze is what you're gonna get and i'm like well okay confucius i think i said i don't know how i said it but yeah it was perfect no it just like it makes total sense because like you can hide so much under a mask but like when it comes down to it's like when you boil it all out like yeah who is that person at their core and Totally.

49:17How ugly are they or how kind are they or whatever? Yeah, no, it made total sense. And it's also malleable. I think that, you know, people can change. I mean, one of the things I talk about in Rookie is that the hard work is the hard work. And it's a lot like gardening, right? You have to constantly be tending to, you know, uprooting the weeds and planting the right seeds and stuff. And the more you dwell on negative thoughts, like this guy, it seems like he's dwelling on a lot of negative things. the more it kind of darkens your heart and then the more bitter and sour and resentful you are. Yeah.

49:51But I think if you practice more, again, venting is one thing, but if in general you practice more kind, considerate, loving, forgiving thoughts, then eventually that kind of conditions your heart into maybe a more kind heart. It comes down to like, you have a choice until you don't. And if you continue to dwell on negative things and continue to look at all the bad things in people and all the things you hate about them. Like eventually you can't help but hate people. But if you continue to choose like kind and considerate loving thoughts toward people, it softens your heart and then it becomes a lot easier to be loving towards people.

50:26But I don't really know the point of what I'm saying right now. No, I really appreciate it. I think it is an important kind of thing to remember because like our brains, everything's so connected. And it's like, if you continue to think a certain thought, like you're reinforcing that. Yeah, it's like I always say like your brain is like a muscle and everyone's like your brain's not a muscle. It's like, okay, yeah, duh, I know that. But it is in the sense where it's like your brain is constantly pruning. And if you don't use it, it'll prune it away. If you use it, it strengthens that neural pathway.

50:59And so if you think bad thoughts about yourself or if you're, you know, in a bad headspace, you're like confirming that in your brain that like this is normal, this is where I should be. That becomes stronger. Absolutely. And I was in a little shop of horrors in New York. Yeah. And, you know, it's like 90 pages of script to memorize and all that stuff. You know, in rehearsals, you like get a note and they'll be like, oh, this line is not what you thought it was. And so the way to remember that line is to go back and correct that line in your head over and over and over again until it sticks. And then you show up at rehearsal and you just open your mouth and it comes out naturally.

51:34Like you don't have to think about it. Your subconscious just just knows. Right. Because your brain, you've wired that pathway in your brain so many times that naturally it comes out. And so it's interesting because learning those lines taught me so much about my brain and that the things I repeat and continue to really implement into my brain become the automatic script that runs my thoughts in my life. Yeah. And so I didn't think we'd be getting this deep on too hot takes. No. Well, now I'm going to, I had a story I was going to read, but I actually think this one I had, like, it was a few tabs down.

52:06But I think where we're at right now, I actually think this train of thought would really lend itself to this story. And it is a little bit of a deeper one. It's coming from r slash true off my chest. But I think you're like really, especially knowing what you've written in this book, going to have some good takes on it. This episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam-packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go-to place to find those fits.

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54:44Because family life isn't about the perfect moments. It's about making the most of any moment. Visit your local dealer or Chrysler.com to learn more and schedule a test drive today. Chrysler is a registered trademark of SCA US LLC. So this next one, true off my chest, titled, I keep mourning the person I could have been. I've spent a significant portion of my life feeling emotionally insecure in the presence of others. Even when someone shows kindness towards me, a part of me anticipates the moment that they will change, abandon, replace, humiliate, or cease to care for me. Consequently, I tend to overanalyze every interaction.

55:26Minor exchanges linger in my thoughts for years. A fleeting glance, a compliment, an act of rejection, being overlooked, or someone opting for another person over me, my mind assigns profound emotional significance to events that others would likely swiftly forget. I find myself in constant comparison with other women, not just occasionally, but incessantly. I scrutinize their appearance, personality, relationships, the attention they receive, their popularity, how loved they appear, and their innate confidence. I evaluate myself against all these factors, and I nearly always feel inadequate. For years, I've held the belief that if I were more attractive, more lovable, more engaging, less emotional, or less damaged, then people would ultimately choose to stay.

56:16Even when someone expresses care for me, I find it challenging to fully accept it because deep down I anticipate rejection more than acceptance. I often presume that people secretly dislike me, tolerate my presence, feel pity for me, or will eventually leave once they truly understand who I am. I obsessively replay painful memories, feelings of embarrassment, bullying, rejection, awkward encounters, exclusion, and a sense of being unwanted. My mind revisits these experiences repeatedly as if they are occurring in the present moment. I form deep emotional attachments even when little has transpired between myself and the other individual.

56:59Sometimes the attachment is not solely about the person themselves, but rather what they symbolize for me, emotionally validation, being chosen, being acknowledged, and feeling sufficient. When I observe someone that they have selected in place of me, or someone who possesses qualities I perceive as lacking in myself, it can evoke intense feelings of jealousy, sadness, and comparison. I long for deep love, reassurance, safety, consistency, and emotional intimacy, yet I find it hard to fully trust it when it does come my way. This likely leaves me feeling emotionally drained as my mind is constantly on the lookout for signs of rejection, abandonment, or comparison.

57:42I don't believe I hate myself because I was born with that feeling. I think I developed it over time through ongoing emotional pain, comparison, rejection, loneliness, bullying, and feeling invisible. Eventually, those experiences shifted from being events that happened to me to becoming evidence of my identity. wow yeah no I think that's huge and I can definitely relate to a lot of what she said and I think that um damn you know I think it's interesting because it's not to say that you can't still point to other people and um blame people for certain things but I found that um I have just as much as I'm worried about people scrutinizing me I'm scrutinizing myself or I'm beating up myself or I'm not showing myself compassion and when that started to shift for me when I started to show myself compassion and grace and be kinder to myself, then I stopped needing it so much from other people.

58:36It's so interesting with our identities, you know, and we place them in the fickle, fleeting opinions of others. Like, for example, if your worth isn't how you look, then good luck, because you change every day, you know, and there's some days you're going to feel better, some days you're not going to feel as good, and you cannot be at the mercy of the ebbs and flows of how you look, right? Yeah. You can obviously seek and yearn for acceptance and friendship and connection, but you also cannot need it in a way that when you don't get it, it's the end of the world and you take it personally, you know?

59:08And I think being somebody who has dealt with a lot of public opinions that shift so frequently, I've learned that I can't need the approval of others to feel approved. I can't need the adoration of others to feel loved or, you know what I'm saying? And so it's easier said than done and it's quite a process, but I think it starts with you and it starts with how you treat yourself. And when I feel like I love myself and I have at least a couple of friends that also love me, then I don't need a billion people to love me because I already feel loved. When I don't believe that I'm lovable, when I don't even love myself, then I'm constantly trying to find others to overcorrect that.

59:44And the reality is I'm actually, maybe a good thing that she's not getting this like approval and adoration that she wants because it's teaching her that she can't rely on it. You know what I'm saying? I know. That's maybe backwards and that sounds maybe fucked up but no and I I do think that like I mean there's so many like moments in your book that I've dog-eared that kind of fit this story but I I agree where it's like you can't rely on others like you do need to be self-sufficient in your self-love And because people can be fickle or, you know, you just you need that innate drive. And it's hard to get there.

1:00:16Everyone deals with insecurity. Everyone deals with comparison and feeling like crap. No one feels great about themselves 100 % of the time. And so for this person, I'm like, I think you should 100 % go to therapy and start looking more within and like building upon yourself because you do deserve happiness. You do deserve love and everything, you know, they're saying in this. But I think also opening up to someone else can be so healing and let you get to that point of self-love to then where you're practicing gratitude for what you do have and how you look and how you're able to move your body and what talents you have.

1:00:54Because just practicing gratitude alone and, again, that muscle memory can be so life-changing. Totally. And, like, you have here vulnerability is almost, almost always met with vulnerability. Yeah. And it's so true. Like this person has all these thoughts, but like doesn't mention, you know, opening up. They're more like if anyone knew me, they would run away. But for me, one of my best friends were friends because literally the first night I met her, I opened up and just shared about how like messed up my family is and like where I came from. And she was like, I'd never had anyone be so real.

1:01:34And like everyone's always trying to put on this perfect front. and, you know, make themselves look better. And it's like, no, no, no, you were so vulnerable. And she used that word vulnerable. And it's like, open up. Like you never know who is going to meet you and how much better you could be for it. Totally. You know, I think being able to be vulnerable and talking through that stuff and like her feelings are so valid. And I think that a lot of the issue we have today is a hyper obsession with ourselves. So it's all about, is this person liking me? Does this person think I'm cool? Do they approve of me?

1:02:09And it's so funny because my friend was calling me the other day. She was going on a first date and she was like, I don't know. All these thoughts are coming up. Like, what if he doesn't like me? What if this? I'm like, what if you don't like him? Yeah. Like, what if instead of looking at it like, am I going to do well in this audition? You're going into it being like, do I even like this person? I'm being curious about them and less about you. And if both parties are curious about the other person, that's beautiful. And that's where relationship can start. But if you're going into it, trying to prove that you're worthy of love or trying to whatever, I think you're focused on the wrong thing.

1:02:39And that's not to say we shouldn't again, take care of ourselves. And that's not to say we shouldn't look after ourselves and that we're not important. I think that we sometimes get too carried away with ourselves and we're constantly looking at ourselves. That's when we're so depressed and anxious, but like go give a sandwich to a homeless person and help remember what life's really about. Life's not about being liked by everybody or feeling cool or popular or included or special. like yes for each individually special and and also there's eight billion people that are special yeah and when you go and you do things that aren't about you and you serve and you just reframe what's important in life and i think the the cure to a lot of our anxiety is um community and service and and remembering that we are a part of a larger whole and it's it's both very deep and also not that deep yeah no i i 100 agree with you and like there was a video i saw recently and they were talking about like insecurity and they're like insecurity is essentially like thinking too much of yourself and it's very like selfish and almost like narcissistic in a way because it's like no one's thinking about you that much yeah like no one the best way like literally it's like no one most liberating way no one cares that much so it's like you're your own worst critic you're your own worst enemy in a lot of sense and it's just like stop being so hard on yourself like and a lot of and a lot of times people are judging themselves not based on what other people are thinking thinking but what they think other people are thinking yeah and so they're punishing themselves of these thoughts presuming that other people are thinking it when so often they're not I mean obviously it's different when if you like read a comment online about yourself or whatever like that's that's maybe different but most of the time the things we torture ourselves with aren't even accurate to what people are really thinking I know and there's multiple studies that show that yeah there's so many studies there's like two studies that come to mind where it's like our ability to predict what other people are thinking about ourselves is so wrong you're so off base and actually being able to predict what people are thinking about you right and then there's another study it's called like the liking gap okay and it's like if someone were to ask you like hey josh like how much do you think morgan likes you and you'd be like i don't know like 20 she doesn't like me that much and they were to ask me like how much do you like josh he'd be like 90 he's so cool what the hell what's the 10 about what did i do i don't know do i smell no because i farted earlier.

1:04:58It was, you tried to, I didn't hear it though. You didn't mention it, but it's just like an example where it's just like, we're, we're so off in how much we value ourselves. And. Right. People's opinions are so fluctuating. Like you cannot be at the mercy of how people feel at any given moment to, to your worth, you know, like your worth can't be dependent on that. And obviously easier said than done, but I've actually been thankful for being at the center of a lot of hatred and or people disliking me so much, whether that's they dislike my art or they dislike me, even though they don't know me, they dislike the idea of me because it's forced me to have no other option but to not identify with people's opinions of me.

1:05:42And obviously, everyone wants to have community and basic friendship, and those things are crucial. But sometimes in the rejection, you learn that you don't need their acceptance in order to feel valuable. Yeah. No, I think, you know, you, you said like there's 8 billion people out there. Like you can find your people, you can find the ones that will see you and won't run at your, your insecurities. And if there's people out there that talk ill of you or whatever, or don't know you, it's like, they don't matter. And you talk about it in your book and you're like, I went from like having the worst week of my life to then like you were in the hospital basically being told you had like 12 hours to live and it's like what was happening online it's just like that was so irrelevant when your life literally ended up being on the line 100 it's like it just proves how fickle and stupid yes some of the noise can be and like no this is what really is important absolutely and and you know it's interesting too because years before that i you know i was in san diego and there was this like rumor being spread around me that wasn't true.

1:06:47And it was really upsetting. And like my friends that didn't believe me, the rumor wasn't of anything immoral. It was more embarrassing, but it still wasn't true. And so I remember there was this time where like for a month, like every day I would see the friend and be like, so I heard a rumor and I'd be like, it's not true. And they'd be like, be honest. And I'd be like, dude, like whatever. And so no one believed me. And then I had one friend left that I was like, if she, as long as I have her, then I'm fine. And she called me that night and said, hey I heard this rumor about you and I was like it's not true and she didn't believe me and I remember crying myself to sleep being like no I guess I don't have any friends that like really believe me or see me or whatever so I cried myself to sleep and then I woke up to a phone call from my manager saying um hey you have to move to LA today and so my whole life changed and I moved to LA and I like I found a bunch more friends and then some of them betrayed me and some of them I couldn't trust and I felt like oh man maybe I can't trust anyone and over time you I now have these incredible lifetime friends that maybe took a little bit more time to find and to really establish connection with.

1:07:47But I've gone through cycles of feeling like I can't trust anyone, feeling like I have no friends, being alone, living in my car, being completely isolated. And I think that sometimes that's the natural cycle in life. But like I said, it made me get to a point where I no longer needed the acceptance of others in order to feel acceptable, in order to feel loved. and so I'm in a much healthier place now but if anyone's going through a time where they feel like no one gets them or they feel like they're alone, you're not alone and there are people out there that you're going to love and make so many memories with and though this season might be difficult, it's not forever.

1:08:18It's just a season. Absolutely. Or whatever. Mic drop. No, mic drop. Absolutely. You mentioned something that I want to move on to with this next story which you have an organization that you started with a friend. Yes. Sammy's. Sammy Sundays. Sammy Sundays. Yeah. Which, can you tell everyone what your organization is about? Yeah, so Sammy Sundays started with me and my friend Rita both feeling like we wanted to help the homeless community, specifically in LA. And, you know, the main thing we hear from the unhoused is that the hardest part about being homeless is not hunger. It's being ignored.

1:08:54It's being treated like they don't exist. It's lack of belonging. And so we kind of looked at sandwiches and care packages, though they are vital for survival. they're a vehicle for connection and so we started giving out 300 sandwiches and 100 care packages to the unhoused in LA every week and um that was a way for us to build community and there'd be people there who said the last time they ate was a week ago and we gave them a sandwich and they have no friends the only people they talk to is us um one person said the only friends I have are you Rita and Jesus um and this guy also called us at like three in the morning he had like a meth relapse.

1:09:30So it's beyond just like seeing them once a week on Sundays. It's like, we're now like doing life with these people. And like, again, they'll call us in a moment of crisis and maybe we're the last person they, the only person they have to reach out to. And so, yeah, we started that right now we're pivoting and we're trying to figure out how to, um, to grow it on mass scale. But, um, you know, for like over 150 weeks, we were every single week essentially. So So it's remarkable and so needed. And thanks. It's a really important organization. One that like when you pivot or whatever you're gonna do, I'd love to come join you because it's just amazing.

1:10:07But you know a thing or two about organizations and volunteers. And I'm curious what your take on this next one is. Okay, great. This episode is brought to you by Billy. I don't know about you guys, but I get a little lazy in the winter. I'm in hibernation mode and I grow up my leg hair a little bit. But it's getting warmer, and now I'm excited for that first shave of the season. And if you are, then you got to get the Billy razor into your life. It's designed for how women actually shave. Legs, pits, toes, happy trail, wherever prickles decide to show up. It has five sharp blades and a pivoting head, so you can actually get everywhere without doing shower gymnastics.

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1:12:02Games rated E for everyone. So this is coming from Am I the Asshole? It's titled, Am I the Asshole for telling a volunteer that they can either serve LGBTQ children or leave the organization. This is a throwaway so it doesn't get traced back to our organization and make drama in our community. I run a summer camp for kids with a specific medical disorder. I am the camp director. Because of genetics, many of our community have familial relationships. The organization is completely run by volunteers, including myself. I don't have the medical needs of the camp, but over the years of working in it, I've been accepted by the community.

1:12:42This past year, one of our longtime campers, teenager, came out as bisexual. One of our other volunteer cabin counselors, who has been with the organization since before I started working with the camp, has said that they don't feel comfortable with that and has asked that this child not be placed in their cabin. I told the volunteer that their job was to love, care for, and support the kids. If the child's bisexuality got in the way of it, then I wouldn't be needing them as a volunteer at the camp at all. I told them that they didn't need to agree with every life decision the kids made or even openly support the team about their sexuality.

1:13:24If they wanted to, they could just not say anything about it. They're a volunteer, and I can't police their beliefs, but not only was it not reasonable for the counselor to make that request, but it also made me question if they were suited to take care of and support any kids at all. I need cabin counselors who love the campers unconditionally. As a side note, our camp is so small in numbers that even if this person weren't the child's cabin counselor, they would interact with that child. Other people in the organization told me that we need the volunteers and I was too harsh. It wasn't that big of a deal to just deal and just put the counselor with a different cabin.

1:14:03Yeah, we always need volunteers, but we need the right volunteers. And this makes me think they aren't the right volunteer. Correct. Some parents and former campers got wind of it, probably from the volunteer, and they have told me that this volunteer has been a part of the camp family for a long time, longer than me, and I overstepped my authority. Did I overreact? Nope. Am I on a power trip? Mm-mm. Now that I've heard the feedback, I'm wondering if maybe it was too much. They've been a good counselor in the past. I think I might be the asshole because I was kind of giving an ultimatum that could be unreasonable.

1:14:41No, you're not the asshole. I don't care how much time you serve. I don't care if you bend over backwards and break your back to help people. If you don't have love in your heart, then I don't want your help, to be honest. There's plenty of people who can help. And I think that you're doing more damage than you are good. And I think that we live in this weird age where people think that being right is more important than being loving. And I say right in quotation marks. because in her mind she's like doing the right thing is by not accepting this child and I'm like okay so I'm assuming that they maybe have this belief based on some religious who knows why they have this belief but do you really think that it you know I mean we have to get into this it's a whole thing but I I just can't believe that people will like kick out their kids for being gay because they think it's the loving thing to do.

1:15:34I'm like, it just, it blows my mind and it makes me so deeply upset. And I think that, uh, that campcaster has every right to kick out that, that person for, for not loving their child. No questions asked for me. I completely agree. I, I think they said it best where it's this line, but it made me question if they were suited to take care of and support any of the kids at all. Right. I completely agree. It's like insert x insert y it's like if that is gonna dictate whether you help that child or support them or not you're not right for the camp and i think something that you've you've really kind of openly talked about because you're very open about you know faith and finding faith and i listened to your episode with um zach sang yeah and you're just like like that hatred or that inability to be open and loving is like not what Jesus would want.

1:16:31And so I think it's just like, it's very interesting in the way that like, especially in today's times, people will just weaponize their beliefs. And it's like, do you really think that's what the higher power would want? Yeah. They're judgmental and they're hateful in the name of love. To claim to know and serve a God of love and then turn around and be hateful and judgmental is almost worse off. You know, that's what I believe when it says, don't take the Lord's name in vain and sort of try to bear the name of God or say that you belong to God or that you love and serve God. It says you cannot claim to love God and then hate his children.

1:17:08Right. And it just does not add up, you know. And I think that I'd much rather somebody have no faith at all and be loving, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient, caring, than have somebody who claims to know the right beliefs, quote unquote, and yet has no love in their heart at all. you know and again it's a shame because i think this person thinks they're doing the right thing yeah and uh i wish i could shake them and just say you're missing the whole point you're missing the whole point i know it's like the lemon really did get squeezed a little bit here like the moment of being uncomfortable and then it's like the the nastiness like really came out and it's like you've been at this camp for how long right like do you do you really think none of the kids you've ever worked with right don't identify maybe that's why they haven't come out and it's just like it's just like come on it's like op here who is the like director isn't even saying like you're done op gave them a choice and is like if you can't have that in your heart and work with this kid like right then i don't know if it's a good fit op's not even being like no you're done that's messed up yeah and so it's like this person is making their own choice yeah op you're not an asshole you're you're my hero yeah not the asshole standing up what's right and that was the overall I'll vote on the post, not the asshole.

1:18:24Your instincts were right on this one, says the top comment. Health is part of intersectionality. If even one person in a position of power within your small medical community is going to leverage another facet of someone's identity to treat them as other, you will have a culture problem. And quickly, your board is not going to remove you. Good on you for checking. Is it possible for you to leverage the camp's external comms resources to express solidarity during pride month or to do something to otherwise signal your intentions to accept all, it may help mitigate a volunteer who wants to burn your reputation.

1:19:00Because that's the other side of this too. There's all these other volunteers now being like, you reacted too harshly. They got to go. It's just like, I know a girl who runs these, she built these tiny homes in Visalia and it's like world changing stuff. And she, you know, deals with a lot of donors who are hyper-religious. And she wears a pride flag pin to show anyone that wants to come stay there that they're safe. Yeah. And I think it's awesome. She's not herself. She doesn't identify as queer, but she wears that to make people feel welcome and safe. I'm an ally. Yeah. Exactly. It's appreciated.

1:19:39And she'll have donors withhold like tens of millions of dollars because of that. And she will say, I don't want your money. I'll find someone else with money. Because it's not about that. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to lower the bar or I'm not going to abandon my morals just to get your money and to appease you. And again, it's like I would rather not have your money and find it elsewhere than have money that comes with hate, division and ignorance, you know. So I think it's really admirable what she does and she really sticks up for what's right no matter the cost. And I think that it really just signals to the other people that are part of the community that she cares and she's not going to go back on what she believes for a couple extra pennies.

1:20:23Although hundreds of millions of dollars are not pennies. Yeah, no, that's insane. Yeah. It's absolutely incredible. Yeah, it's so funny. People will – we're talking about helping the homeless here, right? It's insane to me how if she's too Christian, they won't donate. And then if she's not Christian enough, they won't donate. And they have all these stupid beliefs about what she needs to believe. And I'm like, we're missing the point here. This is a humanitarian crisis. This is not about faith. You know what I'm saying? This isn't about your beliefs. This is about making sure people are fed, making sure they're taken care of.

1:20:53And it blows me away the amount of people with money who don't give it away because somebody doesn't believe what they believe. Or they will only give away money under conditions. Or like certain homeless organizations. that say you can only stay here if you memorize these Bible verses or if you pledge X, Y, Z thing. Like, what the fuck are we talking about here? Like, they think they're doing God a favor. Like, oh my God, sorry. I get so fucking wild about it. Yeah, well, you're in it. I mean, you're so in it with your organization and it's clearly a passion project for you. And it's absurd to me.

1:21:25It's just like, look at the organization. Is it a cause you believe in helping homeless people? Yeah, okay, cool. Is it being run ethically? Yeah. Okay, that's it. Bottom line. Totally. Two questions. 100%. Yeah, yeah, I agree. It's just like it's silly and I hope people wake up. Yeah, it makes me actually upset. Like last night I was going on a whole rant with my friend in the car about how we have all the resources. And now this is a detour, but fuck it. We have the resources to end homelessness, to end hunger. There are certain people who could sneeze out money that they would never even know is gone that could literally solve like majority of the crisis.

1:22:01Isn't that unreal? It makes me so upset. Like billionaires and trillionaires. I'm like, what do you need it for? And the thing is, they'll tell you, they'll justify and go, well, I earned my money fairly or whatever. I'm like, okay, fairly, that's arguable. But still, maybe you did earn your money fairly. Yeah. Great. You're technically right. But we're not talking about a matter of, did you technically earn money? This is a humanitarian issue. This is an emotional issue. Like, how do you sleep at night and not hear the cries of the oppressed and those who are dying of hunger or who are dying in a war zone or whatever?

1:22:32Like, how does that not keep you up at night? Do you know what I'm saying? No, it's my brain is fried. Like I'm so overwhelmed with everything going on. And I have to also like take personal responsibility for like, how can I do better? Right. I have to make sure I don't point the finger too much and remember that I have my own work to do. And that's kind of what birthed Sammy Sundays is we kind of were looking around being like, when are people going to start helping this issue? And we were like, well, if they're not going to do it, we're going to do it. And hopefully inspires more people to do it.

1:22:56And so it took me and Rita just deciding like, fuck it, let's do it. And all of our volunteers have said at one point or another, I've always wanted to do this. I just never knew what or how. And it took me and Rita making the decision. And so part of me shakes my fist at those in power that can do something about it that don't. And then I also remember that I also have privilege and I also have power and I have to find out how to utilize that. So leave it down in the comments anyways, in which we can be working together to help. No, I just, it's so important. And like, I heard somewhere, like, you're like, I'm a mom-da-honey super fan.

1:23:24And I'm like, it's just a great example of like, you can like do these grassroots initiatives that turn out to be so big and like I don't think people realize like what he did to help taxi drivers and their medallions and it's just like I went down a rabbit hole. Filling potholes. I mean the pothole thing is like how many potholes he's already filled. He filled every pothole in New York in one day or whatever. It's just insane so I think there is hope and it's just like how can we all come together to like really I agree show up and make a difference and it can feel so paralyzing where you're like everything's shit yeah but starting small starting like an organization or going and volunteering with one that exists.

1:24:02It's how you start. Yes. Agreed. And finding what your unique gift is, right? Like some people are really gifted speakers. Some people are really gifted bakers. Some people are really good at, you know, there's a whole spectrum, obviously, of things that people are good at. And it's like, okay, how can you use your gift? How can your purpose and your passion align? How can you do? And again, we were not talking about like necessarily like give away your whole life just for like helping others although that would be awesome like you know what about even like 70 30 where you work 70 and then 30 of it is like making the world a better place place and i i just got my first tattoo it's a spark um cute the idea is that one spark can start a forest fire one person can change the world yeah and um i i did the math and if every single person in the world donated two cents it would raise$182 million instantly.

1:24:56But if every single person in the world donated$2, it would raise over$16 billion instantly. Now think about$20, right? You just keep going from there. Everyone thinks like, what change can I make? I'm just one person. But if everyone has a mentality, then no one makes a difference. And if you look in history, it's just a couple of people, very few people who had the courage and had the willingness to say, I'm going to do something if no one else is. But if everyone were to have that mentality, we live in a day and age of connection where we can collaborate in ways that we've never been able to collaborate before.

1:25:26And we see it. There's so many awesome people like Jimmy Darts, who will find a homeless person and will start a GoFundMe. And 100 ,000 people will donate a dollar and that person gets$100 ,000. Yeah, I know. They get a house. Exactly. But each person has a small thing to do. I mean, maybe people with more money have more to do. Yeah, let's just tax the billionaires, right? Yeah, exactly, right? Heaven forbid they pay their fair share. But anyways, yeah, again, But I think the sooner we understand that we can each do even a small thing to make the world a better place and never underestimating your ability to change someone's life.

1:25:56Yeah. No, I'm with you. And just get involved. And I think to your point of just what is your passion? What's your talent? And how could you use that? Even baking. Someone being like, well, I'm just a baker. How can I help? I don't think people realize that at food shelves, birthday cakes are so needed and wanted. And it's like, if you're a baker, bake a cake and donate it to the food shelf. Because when someone is in such a dire place, a birthday cake is like the last thing they're going to prioritize. Yes. But it's so special and so important still. So there are ways for everyone to find their passion, their niche and make a difference.

1:26:34Absolutely. I agree. Okay. I have one last one that's like super short just to end us on. Okay. And it's just kind of a reset because a lot of these were super heavy. This last one is coming from True Off My Chest. It's titled something I saw today reminded me there are still good people out there I was standing in line at a grocery store today and in front of me. There was a woman with a small child When it was her turn to pay her card didn't go through and you could see that she was getting embarrassed because people were waiting behind her She quietly started putting back some of the groceries on the counter Then the guy behind her told the cashier add the rest of her items to his bill and paid for them like it was nothing He didn't wait for a thank you and just walked away The woman looked like she was about to cry and that small moment honestly stayed in my mind the whole day Because it reminded me that kindness still exists.

1:27:24Yes. Amen It made me think of when I was working at legoland when I was uh 16. Yeah, oh my gosh, um some guy tipped 50 bucks and That was like like Life altering for me and I thought about it for two weeks straight it was less about having 50 extra bucks and more about how he could be so casually generous expecting nothing in return and it wasn't even a second thought to him like she said and that one act of generosity radically changed my life in the way that i look at generosity and the ripple effect of that went so far beyond what i've ever seen obviously you don't need to be giving people 50 like not everyone has 50 to give away but little acts like that have such a profound ripple effect on the world and so um i i try to remember that too that those little acts of kindness, like they really do go a long way.

1:28:12And so, yeah, I love that. I think that's awesome. Good note to end on. Josh, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Everyone check out the book Rookie, but anything else you want to share with people? No, I just think, again, it goes back to what I said of never underestimate your ability to change someone's life for better or worse. And we all have a part to play in making the world a better place. Absolutely. Thank you so much. All of Josh's links will be in the description. Until next time, guys. Yes. Bye. Peace. Mwah.

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