271: Mind Your Business Ft. Hannah Berner

41:27Slightly not safe for work. All right. My, 32 female, husband, 37 male, recently told me that a few weeks before we got married, he asked his friend Jay, 37 male, about sex. We were both waiting for marriage, and Jay had experience. and somehow this ended up with my husband watching Jay masturbate. Obsessed. Obsessed with Jay. We got married 11 years ago and I just found out about this. My husband said it sounds worse than it is, but question mark, question mark. He assured me that he didn't touch Jay or anything and I do believe him. I don't think he was keeping this as a secret from me either the way he said it it was just kind of a cringing at your past self sort of way like quote oh i never told you about this embarrassing thing i did to impress you type of story i didn't really react in the moment because it didn't quite register at first what he was saying so many questions and we just moved on obviously it's strange right i can't stop thinking about it we're still really close with Jay.

42:45She's like, Jay sleeps in our bedroom. And I'm assuming his wife knows as he's an open book about pretty much everything to the point, I'm honestly a little surprised Jay never brought it up to me himself. I don't feel like my husband cheated on me, or at least I don't believe that was the intention. But at the same time, if Jay was a woman, maybe my perspective would be different. Then again, I don't know. Should I just let it go? It was one time over a decade ago, and I do remember telling him that he should ask Jay for tips. I'm not sure how detailed I want to get here, but Jay had a toy that he was using to show him how to do it, which I mean, hey, our first time was great, so silver lining, I guess.

43:34Oh, so it was The fleshlight. Or like the torso. What? You mean like a sex doll? I'll show you. How do you know this? I've seen pics. I love my husband and Jay is a friend of mine that I love too. I don't imagine this is a common experience, but if anyone has had something similar, what did you do? Some quick questions. Okay. So when she says a decade ago, this means she was like 21, hadn't been married. God, you're asking me to do math? Like, so it was right before they got married. 11 years ago, 32 now, 21. Okay, so she was 21. He was like, you know, 25 or whatever. And that's when Jay was also 25.

44:17Okay. Look, I support all religions as long as it doesn't start wars. However, it is a unique thing to wait until marriage to have sex. So at that point, I don't really judge the stuff you're doing to prepare because you already were being like unique in your sexual. That's freaky. I'm always so impressed that people can wait. That's freaky shit. The self-control and the personal constitution you have to wait and make that decision and like commit to marriage with someone without test driving. Like I'm genuinely so in awe of people that have that self-control. Well, so the first night's going to be horrible.

45:00You haven't learned about your body. you don't know what you want he doesn't know what he wants so it's just gonna take a really long time my personal beliefs I don't think you're farther away from God for having sex I think that's a way to control women um and tell them the only time you have sex is to have babies we're saying crazy but that's my tea I'm with you um so he's in a unique place where he's getting married has all this pressure on the wedding night to suddenly know how to please a woman which is not possible if you've never done it before. But also, how is... And this is maybe where that sex toy comes in, which I'll show you pictures of the sex toys.

45:40I'm so sorry. I cannot put them on the video version because we will get removed. But how is watching your friend masturbate going to help you two have sex? That was my second question. Like, if it's a handjob... That seems like Jay just wanted to have a little fun. It's giving the first scene in Heated Rivalry. Yes. yes wait this is like they literally watch each other jack off in the shower i wonder i mean jay not jay the husband must have jerked off sometimes or is it part of their religion not to jerk off i don't know it has to come out somewhere he's a loaded bullet walking around dangerous i feel like he must have jerked off there's no reason for you to have to watch another man jerk off so here's what i think happened i think he watched his friend masturbate with one of these toys.

46:30So depending on what you purchase, there are fleshlights, but they're torsos. They look like this. Oh my God. Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. And it's jelly silicone. Wait, I love how like this has never crossed my desk before. What? I've never seen this in my life. Ever? No You knew about a flashlight though Yes Cause it's a good like Punchline in a bit Fleshlight That What is that even called? Realistic Silicone doll But you know It's funny I'm like Is it better or worse That they don't have a head? Cause at first I was like That's bad They don't have a head And then I'm like No it's weird for you To have like a fake woman But they make those versions too They do For that If you're into Like Yeah Oh god I kind of like it better Without the head And they wonder why these are male loneliness epidemic I know These men are not lonely I see what they're hanging out with Don't do this I mean yeah there's a bunch of different versions So I think he was using that Okay I think it's 100 % unnecessary Like that is not Like you just took it from 0 to 100 Like you didn't have to Come to completion In front of your man Why couldn't you just like do a couple air humps and call the day.

47:55100 % you could be like, hey, you could go in this position, do this, make some rhythm, whatever. Actually, ask a woman what she likes. You don't need Jay. Jay is having a little too much fun. Also, I hate to say it, sometimes when you're super religious, you are trying to suppress some other things. That's what I'm like. It's a little heated rivalry coded, but I'm like, maybe religion isn't a part of it. I'm going to see if there's any comments from a B, because otherwise, like, Yeah, okay, so we were both raised very Christian, so I think Jay wanted to show him somehow. There was a toy involved.

48:33But also, like, where do you put that? This is a big torso. Where do you put that in your room? Closet with a pillowcase over it. I know someone that has a foot. It's like a foot fleshlight. There's a vagina on the foot? Yeah. It's like a chopped—it would be cut at the ankle. But then part of me is like, you know what? Let him have his little foot thing. Leave the girls alone. Have your little, I don't kink shame. Yeah, no, you have fun with that foot. You have fun with your foot and no one gets hurt. It's what? Its name is Beth. Well, it didn't need a name. That's unnecessary. Apparently this came up when they were reminiscing on earlier stuff in their relationship, like their first date.

49:16It is crazy because he could have gone away with it. Like it's been 10 years. You could have gone to the grave with that. Never would have known. And he dropped it. Which I do appreciate the honesty. I can see where you're coming from, but I don't think this would be an avenue he'd go down. We have had conversations about LGBT plus stuff before. And he's never expressed a desire to not be monogamous. So he's not bi or gay, according to OP. She goes, he does go on these weekend trips with Jay and I don't hear from him for a while, but he claims that they're just golfing. A lot of people questioned why he didn't just go on the internet and look at porn.

49:58He did know that porn existed. He was against watching or viewing anything like that at the time. Got it. He thought the concept was very, very bad. Yeah, so seeing a guy do it in person in front of you is way less graphic. Mm-hmm. I also have so many questions like, did Jay trick him into it? Like was Jay like, hey, can I show you something real quick? And next thing you know, he was like, oh my God, his dick's out. Which, you know, happens to the best of us. I know. Or was it like, also, it doesn't, you don't orgasm immediately. Like that means he, there were like minutes involved. Are they talking during it?

50:35Is there eye contact? Are they holding hands? Oh, not the eye contact.

50:42Where is his eyes? I have so, I have so many questions. Was he like yeah it was cringe But like we did it or was he like I hate that it happened or was he like Silly old you know Jay Just Jay being Jay Also I want Jay's perspective I want Jay to come in So we do get an update Just found it while looking For OP's comments I'm really scared Aww Okay Pretty not safe for work below no crazy details. Sorry, pervs. But yeah, I asked him to tell me what happened with Jay on that day, keeping it lighthearted. And he did. Originally, Jay was going to show him a video, but my husband was against it at the time.

51:28So Jay asked if he could show him a flashlight to point to where the clitoris was and whatnot. And he said yes. Jay got excited while talking about his own experiences, demonstrated how to put on a condom and well, offered to show him how he does it. I had a few comments thinking that Jay took advantage of my husband, but he definitely doesn't agree or feel that way. My husband told me he said yes because he'd never seen someone do it before and, as many of you have figured, was about 10 years too late to the sexual exploration phase of life. He and his siblings were all homeschooled, for some added context.

52:04They are flat earthers as well. As was I, though that manifested in me being a little too invested in the vampire diaries more than anything else, lol. From Jay's point of view, I think he just didn't give a fuck and was open to a fault, especially back then. Jay was raised similar to us, but once he turned 18, he broke from the whole feeling shameful about normal human things. So he did a complete 180 and yeah, maybe a bit too far or out there for the average well-adjusted person, but you know, Alanis Morissette, we live, we learn. Obviously, my husband went into more detail about what he was thinking and feeling, but to not make this post even more of a novel and confusing to people who don't know all three of our histories, I tried to keep it to the basics.

52:48Hearing him talk about it in depth definitely made me feel more relaxed. I asked him if he was bisexual and let him know that I'd be okay if he was, but he said he's not, and it was more curiosity than anything else. Late bloomer, plus repression, plus guilt triple combo does crazy things to the mind. Said afterwards that Jay bursted out laughing at how awkward it was, and then they left to go eat Taco Bell. So really, not at all what I thought was going on in my head. If Jay is bisexual, I'm not sure. Probably won't ask him, because if he wanted me to know, he would have told me already. I mean, it would have been relevant if he was single, or if I was worried about infidelity, but I'm not.

53:29The gray area of watching him use a toy on himself, being considered cheating makes sense, but it was so long ago, I feel like it's only as big as I make it out to be. With the conversation we had, I don't think it rocks the boat all that much. We deconstructed at different points of time, which if you have any experience, you will know how huge and terrifying that is. We're pretty solid. My husband called Jay to make a point, which he didn't have to, but he's stubborn. And when he started talking to him about it, Jay told him that it was, quote, the second gayest thing I've ever done. obsessed with jay and quote was like trying to teach poetry to a fish which resulted in my husband hanging up and sending him a huge block of text that consisted entirely of the middle finger emoji so yeah so they got in a fight they're in a couple's quarrel him and jay i'll try to see if i can attach some photos your teacher have some respect he helped you learn how to fuck.

54:34Come on. Sorry, Jay is an educator of the youth. And how to put on a condom. Honestly, the way she told the story, I'm like, look, crazy things happen behind closed doors. Also, men, like gladiators, they all were like having sex with each other. There is like a testosterone where I could probably see him being like, watch this, bro. I literally just learned this about Achilles, that Achilles had a boyfriend. They all were hooking up. And he dressed as a woman to like sneak into whatever camp or something and they were like you think achilles was a big buff guy no like they said this was sassy they were like achilles was a twink wait i'm obsessed that's what and i'm like where do i get this accurate history sexuality was wasn't as defined at a certain point yeah everybody was just cultural it's just social construction.

55:27How much more like relaxing and enjoyable does that sound? I also do feel like men or guys when they're younger, like at camp, they they're playing with their dicks. Like they're showing each other their dicks. I feel like I've seen a lot of like really gay stuff lately coming from straight guys where like I saw this video of three baseballers on a pitching mound in like a triangle humping each other on the pitching mound. Have you seen the gay baseball video my my editor jenna she's gay and so she's tapped in yeah she knows she has their and she also loves baseball and she loves baseball she loves gay things in baseball so it was perfect any thoughts i liked it she goes i was into it i but i'm not like look i do think a lot of men are gay but i'm not saying that every man's gay i do think men are also like men masturbate before girls do like men are talking about masturbating they're doing all that stuff and they're kind of like bro look what I could do so I feel like maybe Jay look and not me not me being a Jay defender but Jay kind of just being like look at this testosterone like watch this like look what I could do honestly I do see the mindset of like buddy it's your first time you're gonna have sex on your wedding I want it to actually be enjoyable for you like let me help you I actually do kind of see the teaching of person how to fish mentality here yeah I kind of I kind of appreciate it when You feel bad for your friend where you're like, this is so embarrassing.

56:53I'll embarrass myself to help you be less embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird. I think now. It's weird because you tell your friend to watch porn when they're confused. But like he put the foot down with the porn. But also, and that's kind of like a hot topic nowadays where people are like, porn is not real. Porn is not healthy. So some people actually might prefer a hands-on demo. You could have used a banana though. Jay has a small business. he can he can start sex ed classes there's like a woman making like tiktok videos and she's like okay i'm gonna be very discreet but like if you want to go down on a girl and have it be good like you lick that little ice cream cone for five minutes and then after five minutes then you put the fingers on the outside don't go in yet two three fingers just on the outside you got to create some uh oh she doesn't say any of the like word no yeah no and i'm like where was this yeah But it's kind of the same concept.

57:51But we're not in a room together. I'm like, sorry that Jay just wanted the world to be more educated. I want to know how their wedding night was. She said it was great. She said it was amazing. So silver lining of it all. No one ever lost their virginity and they were like, wow, I've really been missing out. Mine was horrible. It was on like the carpet of my friend's basement. No furniture. It was like a storage room. I got rug burns. There was a pillow kind of under me. No blankets. Just fucking buck naked in this basement. Buck naked. I haven't said that in forever. If I could go back. Bring my buck.

58:32Get buck in here. Let's get buck in here. We're so millennial. We're so millennial. That was a bop. But I'm like, God, if I could take that back, I would. Getting caught in a car and having a car come up behind us and turn their brights on as we're having sex in the backseat, I'd take that one off. See, as a New York City kid, we didn't have any car issues. No one had cars. How was it for you? More enjoyable than that? No, not good. Not good. Subway station bathroom? Some CTE football player. Not good. but also it's because no one knows what they're doing yeah so it's like yeah figure it out was the mascot good bucky no no no no no no i'm not gonna lie to the the crowd no but it wasn't it was like not traumatic no yeah there you go there you go that's a win yeah that's a win that's a win i will say i did end up with the best sex i've had yeah and like some people are weird they're like you're not gonna end up with the best but it'll be good i'm just like no no i actually ended up with the best me too there's a lot of fallacies out there i know somebody even said they were like people are talking horrible about marriage out there is anything okay is anyone in a good marriage and i'm like look negative stuff gets more attention that is true there are people who have nice partners i feel like you have a really good relationship with your husband like great marriage you're like because i don't see you guys online well no like you've done your burner phone podcast together like you guys just seem very in tune with each other and so excited when the other person is winning oh my god yeah which isn't the case for a lot of people well you cannot have your biggest hater in your house no babe friend husband don't settle i think at the end of the day if we're gonna get anything from this story don't settle don't settle don't settle and get out.

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1:01:39Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell your clothes you no longer wear and get more value out of your wardrobe. It's super simple to use and with no selling fees. So you keep what you earn. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start listing with no seller fees. Who will guide you to better things. Exactly. And it's never too late to get divorced. Yep. Like, do not marry your biggest hater. Life is too short to not get out. Whenever anyone gets divorced or goes through a breakup, I always say congratulations. Like your balloon. Congratulations.

1:02:19This next person is in the midst of a divorce. Perfect. Here we go. This is coming from Relationship Advice. I, 32 female, think my husband's, 40 male, mistress, is stalking me. We're currently separated after I found out he's been having an affair with the same person for years. I found out five years ago, and we worked things out. He swore he had ended things with her, and I believed him. We had our last child, for male during that period. Since the year started, I had been getting messages on Facebook and Instagram from accounts with no followers telling me that my husband was having an affair.

1:03:02The DMs had details about the trips he had taken with her, how they go on dates, how they have a child together, and all of his friends, mom, and siblings knew her. I asked him often if he was still seeing her and he denied it. What pushed me over the edge was when I saw earrings and a scrunchie that weren't mine in my car after he had borrowed it for the day. I went through his phone and saw that he was still in touch with her. They even had sex tapes and he was constantly telling her how much better sex was with her, how he loved her and wanted to be with her. It's obvious he's gotten very strong feelings for her.

1:03:40He admitted to everything, including the child they have together. I left the house and went to my mom's to take a break. We've been officially separated for a month. The problem now is that his mistress keeps showing up to places I go to often. The playground I take my kids to, the bookshop where I buy their school supplies, where I take the girls to get their hair done. We went to get ice cream once, and I could have sworn I saw her. I know what she looks like from the pictures and videos that they have together. I feel like I'm going crazy. These are all public places, though, so there's nothing I can do about it.

1:04:18She just sits there and stares at us. It's making me feel very uneasy. What is the best way to address the situation? I can't ask for her to be kicked out of a public place. She's always with her daughter anyways, so it never looks weird that a woman is there with her child and are at the same place I go to with my kids. I'm not speaking to my husband unless it's about the kids and I don't want to ask him yet Ask him what? How to make your mistress stop showing up at my my ice cream place I I'm not a confrontational person, but I feel like that's when you can go up to her and be like Can I help you?

1:04:56You wouldn't mind your business? Like is there something you need like are you trying to be friends like what's going on here? Because because she's making you feel uncomfortable. Yeah, you can go up to her and make and call her out I god this is like my worst nightmare because you know she's been obsessed with her for a long time because she's had what she wanted which is the marriage the openness of it yeah so she's been just like looking at her 24 7 talking about her 24 7 like it's an obsession so she's like but I don't know why now she's like putting herself out in the open And also talk about how to ruin someone's day.

1:05:34Oh, I can just like feel that, that like stomach drop, like seeing someone you don't want to see or just like, oh, God. Especially when it sounds purposeful. Like, I don't know where they live, but I'm assuming it's not the only, you know, street in the town. I know. And it's like one time. OK, it's going to happen twice, three times. I think she should confront her and be like, hey, like, I would appreciate you not being everywhere I am. You would have to. I mean, it's absolutely crazy. And you knew about me. I didn't know about you. So you get out of here. Like, you go mind your business. Like, you're getting what you wanted.

1:06:14I was blindsided by all of this. Get away from me. Like, I feel like if anyone should, if they are going to the same place, if anyone has to find a new spot. She'll be the person who really dropped a grenade in someone's life. Well, it also sounds like the other girl has started disappearing. I think she's got to say something and be like, hey, I don't feel comfortable with you here. And I know who you are. I know. And I really don't want to be around you. A lot of people in the comments are questioning if it's possible she planted an air tag in your car. Oh, Jesus. Uh-huh. oh my god I know someone says she definitely planted the earrings and the scrunchie on purpose like one of them wasn't enough to make sure you'd find them dot dot dot dot and I didn't even I totally forgot about the fact that she's been in OP's car yeah which is it feels violating it also like it is weird though it's hard to be in a public place and be like can you leave but it's like she has to confront her to make her know that like she does not feel comfortable with her around like You've already violated my life, and I'd really appreciate you, like, giving me space and, like, go spend time with my ex.

1:07:31Yeah. Like, leave me alone and have fun with that. Take my husband. You got him. Yeah. He's nasty. I don't want him anymore. And watch out for other scrunchies in his car, because the same way you get him is how you lose him. That's what they say in the streets. Oh, yeah. No, it's definitely going to be the case. This is, like, this is, I wonder what, if it's, like, a small town, because the people must be whispering. This is like level 10 drama. Because also that it's like in New York, if like I see someone, I'm like, I should not see anyone I know whenever I walk out. No. Or then you are stalking me.

1:08:05There's so many people there. We do get an update. I love the updates. They're kicking my feet. Thank you all for the advice. I confronted my husband about it. He said she's not showing up at the places I go to. I'm the one going to places she frequents. My husband used to be the one who took the kids out on weekends since he's virtually never home on weekdays. I do school pick up and drop off and he does the fun stuff. All of the places he used to take the kids to, which I'm doing now since they're with me, were suggested by her.

1:08:45That's where she buys the books. The playground is where she used to take her nieces and nephews before their daughter was born. She recommended the salon to him since my daughters and her have the same hair texture. He says she used to go to the salon on Sundays after church, but only recently switched it to Saturdays when I take the girls. The ice cream place is apparently her favorite. So yeah, my dick of a husband had been taking our kids to his mistress's favorite spots. My kids already love going to all of those places and finding a salon that caters to our daughter's hair needs close to us will be difficult.

1:09:22He didn't show any remorse telling me about it and reminding me that it's a public space and she hasn't committed any crime. I'm just going to have to find better alternatives.

1:09:35I hope there's other ice cream spots for those poor kids. Like I want ice cream. But it's also it's like, OK, tell me when she gets her hair did. tell me her schedule so that I know not to stalk her. Thank you. Like make this easier for us. Yeah. Why are you not making it easier on me? Also the kids are related. That's awkward. They're gonna, I mean, just send them all together. I'm sure there's discounts. Like this is unfortunately her life now going forward. Which again, this is literally my worst nightmare. I'm like cheat on me? Sure. But if you have a kid with someone while you cheat on me well only men could have two families and get and like it works i know i wonder if there's any women out there that actually do because they got like eggs harvested you know what i mean like accidentally well that's happening now too yeah i don't know yeah it's just he's able to be like working all day and he has two women taking care of his separate families.

1:10:39Ay-yo-yo-yo-yo. It's not looking good. Or trying to think of solutions, trying to be solution-based. I know. What could she do? It is giving small town 100%. Saying, like, finding another solution close to home is going to be really difficult. I think maybe there's a mature route where you go up to her and you're like, hey, I feel super uncomfortable. The whole thing's been pretty gross and weird for me. And I feel violated by everything that's happened. I'm sorry, going to try to not run into you. What does your schedule look like so we can comfortably not run into each other? I love that. In a respectful, nice way.

1:11:22As hard as it is to be the bigger person, I think it will make your life a lot better by doing that. And I always feel like at least communicating honestly gets you in less trouble than trying to like hint and like go around people it could just be like hey when do you bring your kids around because I really would like to um not be around during that time I don't want to see you you don't want to see me so let's make this as easy as we can let's go I think the woman does want to see her I want she I think she wants to rub it in her face I well if you literally like if I was taking my kids out to ice cream and my ex showed up with his affair partner and their kid and we're playing happy-go-lucky house in front of me, like, the kids are going to run up and be like, Daddy.

1:12:08No. The kids just make it so upsetting. I know. Also, Morgan's hilarious. She was like, we're doing only light, funny ones today. I know. What did I do? We got to get back on track. We got to get back on track. I forgot I had these in the tabs. I fully lied. The gossip. I also who are these people who are like let's write this one on Reddit. Reddit will figure this out for me. I can see how because there's like been times in my life where I'm like it's too embarrassing to tell or ask a friend. I would way rather ask strangers. And that's why the subreddit is so good. It's so good because it's people who are too ashamed to say things.

1:12:51I know. Or their friends are just too in it to give them like good advice. Genuine, yeah. Yeah. Unbiased opinions. No. Okay, let's get it back on track with this next one. I'm hoping we get another update from OP. I could see it happening. Real account, two years old, but we don't have anything right now. And OP does say the kids don't have any devices that would share location. So we're going to see how this one goes. Husband did make a conscious decision to be with her and have a child with her. It wasn't an accident. They actually decided to have a child together and did it. So this was a very deliberate choice.

1:13:33And he messed up. But I think OP is going to come out the other side. Yes. Happy, healthy, healed. Yes. And find someone that's way hotter anyways. Yes. Okay. Yes. Back on track. This next story is actually brought to you by Disney Plus and Hulu. Y2K called. We picked up because Disney Plus Hulu Throwbacks is back for the sequel. We've got Hannah Montana, Camp Rock, High School Musical, Lizzie McGuire, Aquamarine. All your faves. All your faves. Do you have a vintage fave? Oh, my God. I loved Lizzie McGuire. And all those weird basketball movies, like Double Team, which is a crazy name. There were so many good Disney original movies.

1:14:22Disney originals. I love them. Princess Diaries. Oh, you know who's my number one? What's the cartoon? Kim Possible. So good. I love Kim Possible. So good. This next one has to do with our girl, Hannah Montana. Oh, hell yeah. Miss Miley. It's coming from Am I the Asshole? titled, Am I the Asshole for Telling My Niece the Truth About Hannah Montana? I have an eight-year-old niece, my sister, 28 females, kid. I'm 16 female. She thinks the Muppets are real. I was babysitting her yesterday, and she was watching Hannah Montana on Disney Plus, and she thought Hannah and Miley were different people. I explained that actually it's the same person.

1:15:09She just wears a blonde wig. My niece started crying. And when my sister found out, she went mad. She says, I ruined my niece's childhood by telling her this. And she says that any normal aunt wouldn't tell her the truth. I think she's wrong, but I wanted to ask the sub for your opinions.

1:15:33Should she have minded her business? I think she should have minded her business but I also think like it's not that dramatic isn't the whole point of Hannah Montana that she is the same person but putting on a wig well I think it's Hannah Montana is the same person putting a wig but then Miley Cyrus is a whole different person I think we're just she has to take it as like you're not ruining her childhood it's a learning moment that there's something called actors and maybe you want to be an actor one day and Miley Cyrus does acting in Hannah Montana like there's layers to it I do think sometimes it is hard as an aunt as an experienced aunt okay flex on us you do want to like have fun and make sure you don't overstep on what the parents are protecting oh yeah no I don't ever want to ruin anything Santa Claus stuff is serious our friend in the North Pole it's very very big deal big deal very serious and you do not want to be that person but I feel like Hannah Montana that's childhoods aren't getting ruined no we're learning about acting that's a good way to put it yeah yeah because otherwise like what is she confused about I also was a little too old for Hannah Montana where I kind of know what it's about but that's not true I'm literally googling how old you are wait some people my age did watch Hannah Montana I did yeah yeah because you're a millennial yeah my friend Lauren is in between you and me yeah and like Hannah Montana was her shit so there's a girl who's a year younger than me who was like obsessed with Hannah Montana and I was like I've never I've never watched it I do think it was it depends yeah what were you watching what was that but like like Camp Rock I was too young for I'm too old for and like that's Lizzie McGuire makes sense Jonas Brothers I was a little too old for it.

1:17:30Yeah, no. Same for that. Yeah. I just loved Miley. Yeah. Seems so cool. And her voice now, like I'll see videos of her singing and I'm like, holy shit. All of her rock covers. I know that you're wrong for me. Here you go again. I've been telling you since the last episode we did, it's time to start singing. You have opera in your blood. It is time. Don't. Why? I cannot sing. Yes, you can. Wait, you can sing. No, I can't. Yes, you can. If I can sing, you can sing. There is no difference. Ying and yang. Wait, is this from when I said that I think I could accidentally hit the wicked note? Yeah, and you gave us a little sample.

1:18:12That was such a phase I was in. I was like obsessed with trying to hit the wicked note. If you were going to sing karaoke right now, what would your song be? Wait, this is so horrible. My song always used to be remix to Ignition. are there actual lyrics it's the remix to ignition hot and fresh out the kitchen mama rolling it was very easy to sing okay now i do not represent or play that um i don't know what i do now what would you align with like i would do like a rap like eminem or something mom spaghetti okay i I would do maybe a rap, but my mom sings jazz. Like my mom is a musician. I, I'm a talker.

1:18:55I don't sing for my diaphragm and that's, they lost me on. You can learn though. I honestly think you and Paige should put out a Christmas album. If we, if we, if I could sing, like I would be so annoying. Like I would be nonstop. Also like if I could do splits, like if I could do the splits, I'd be in a split right now. You absolutely can. You just have to train. You just have to train. You haven't seen my hips. You're gonna show me after this Girl I can barely touch my toes It's genetic No way Yeah it's genetic You couldn't touch your toes right now? No

1:19:32Okay And I'm like trying Do you go to yoga? I do yoga I do Pilates Just haven't It's tight I have a long torso I feel like it like Yeah There's something off Anatomically maybe just impossible If I could do splits, I would be doing like, I would do nonstop like mid conversation drop into a split. Like, no, I have a friend that can. 100%. She does it. She does it. Literally, I have pictures of her at my wedding. Drop down in the splits. All I would do is splits and like the universe couldn't handle that. She also can get her foot over her head. So we'd be out at the club and we'd be like standing around the booth, like up on elevated surfaces as girls do.

1:20:09And she would literally just constantly be sitting there with her like leg held up against her face with like a cocktail in her hand. If I could, I would too. Whitney, man. I have respect for Whitney. Whitney. Shout out Whitney. I know. With that leg. Oh, she worked that leg. Just like wrapped around. I would love, that's actually going to be a goal for me for 2027, not this year too busy, but I'm going to get my foot behind my head. See, that's such a like former dancer thing to say. Did you dance? No. I literally signed up for dance for a couple months. And then when it came to the recital, I didn't want to perform in front of people.

1:20:42So I quit. Obsessed with you. Now you perform for a living. And the song was that one Sierra song that everyone danced to. Well, all the dance team girls were like, one, two, seven, I love it. That's the one I did. 15-year-olds dancing that song. I was like, you go, girls. You go, girls. Oh, my God. Top comment on this one? Not the asshole. So I looked it up as well, and the entire premise is like that it's a superhero identity. Regular girl by day, rock star by night. so it would be like telling me that Superman and Clark Kent is really the same person which the movie makes clear. I think your sister is nuts with the you've ruined her life whatever.

1:21:25Not like you said someone else was fake but that's all we got. Thank you Disney. Thank you Disney. Rewind your favorite throwbacks from Disney Plus and Hulu. All of these and more now totally streaming. 18 plus only offer valid for eligible subscribers only terms apply you know what else is on hulu our girl my special june 5th is out none of my business my business hot takes are you so excited i'm so excited it feels like you like been painting something for a long time and you finally can like show that was a bad metaphor it's like a project they've been working on for so long to finally be like there it is how many times have you watched it oh my god like going through the edits and the edits was really intense because taking a live show to then make it into like something you watch is not it's like someone filming broadway and then being like okay now make it into a film so i was and i'm really into editing so i was like in the editing room because you could things could become unfunny with the wrong edits there's so much storytelling and editing that people don't realize and no one cares about it the way you care about it so like it was like edited the first round and I'm like we got to go through this with a fine tooth comb and you filmed in Toronto right I filmed in Toronto which like such a fun city so fun it was freezing in February but like so worth it because the comedy crowd in Toronto is incredible and you do two shows and then you have to like edit it together that's crazy yeah and you're fit oh my god I ripped my corset like three times during it worth it um i saw you post on your story you going and seeing your billboard oh yeah and like that fit full size full screen crazy like what 60 foot screen and three of you well i want to show that girls can be funny and sexy and depressed and bosses like so many things you don't have to be the ugly side friend to be funny i appreciate that yeah the duff yes that was like that was Crazy marketing.

1:23:32That was like... I can't believe we were stuck in the duff phase for so long. I remember seeing that and being like, I'm not watching this movie. This is insane. I can't be a part of this. Which is a designated ugly funny friend? I think it's fat. Oh, God. That's even worse. Or it might not be. I mean, it's fat. Wait. I don't want to know. It's just going to hurt my feelings. It's one of them. But it's basically being like, oh, you have... No. It's so bad. It's just calling someone ugly. I like how we've become more girls, girls these days. Girls, girls. Yes. Yes. Girls, girls. Yes. It just feels so happy and healthy.

1:24:13And our last one is kind of along that vibe. Love. And it actually reminds me of your friend, Sierra. Oh my God, what's happening? What isn't happening right now over in that world? It's insane. I also love seeing all these videos being like, Hannah was right. Hannah was right. Here we are. How many years later? Hannah was right. And I'm like, yes. Oh, God. It is funny because it's like WWE where like people thought a certain way. Now they're like turning. So it is. Look, it is kind of funny. It's insane because I remember when we first met, you were like leaving that behind you and doing the podcast.

1:24:55Doing therapy. Doing a lot of therapy. and you we don't have to keep this in if you don't want it but I remember you just being like I got a bad edit

1:25:09I'm just like come here but it is crazy how like things come to light and for anyone who feels like they feel misunderstood or things didn't go their way keep focusing on you don't wish bad on other people don't try to get revenge focus on you and things it might take a long time you got to be patient hey you did say you believe in karma things will work itself out and i have a couple more things that need to be worked out but for now i got some other stuff i'm working on but for now it's just do focus on what you can control and reality tv is something that i couldn't control no it just like really does speak to the stay in your lane keep doing you be a good person and like everything good if you are good will come to you because you have just I mean your career it's just it's mind-blowing like it is so amazing to see how and you work your ass off like nothing comes easy like you grind you were probably one of the hardest workers I know thank you but I also think like having a um ups and downs in your career like helps you be humble helps you lose your ego and helps you get a little chip on your shoulder to be like I actually do want to like get this and accomplish this yeah if you're just at peace you're not touring 70 cities that's not a person I was gonna ask you how many you did because literally you were doing double headers 70 line everywhere yeah in one year yes but you know what being on tour is fun because you like aren't really living life you get to be in this like like you almost aren't stressed because you're just trying to make it to the next flight and get on stage on time.

1:26:50And tickets canceled and there's weather. It's constant. Like the cortisol is not good, but like you're not sitting alone with your own thoughts. Like you're just always on the run. But then at some point you're like, I need to actually like see my friends, see my family, live my life. And 70 cities and a huge successful podcast and married life and friends. I love work. You do too. Like this is what brings us joy. I do love it most days. Most days. Most days. There's ups and downs. Like the highs are really high. The lows are really low. Yeah. But it's like, it's what I enjoy right now. But I'm not going to tour forever.

1:27:25Like you can't be like, you know, 75 with my cat. Like on tour. So essentially go to Hulu and watch her watch her app. Go to Hulu, watch my special. Message me. Tell me your favorite jokes. I love to hear what people like connected with. The grinding one you've teased. I'm already just like, well, it's so good. Should I post the full one first of the grinding bit? Or do you feel like people already like kind of got the joke? I mean, there's a lot more to the joke. I feel like I should put the whole joke first because I love that joke so much. It is iconic. Oh my God, thank you. And just the way like your body comedy from what I've seen of this special is like up another level.

1:28:02I do think like physically and mentally I was more comfortable in my skin on stage. That's just from doing more comedy. So I was like a little bit of a looser goose. Oh my God. I'm so excited. Thank you. Literally this episode comes out and your special drops. I'm gonna be sitting there in my app just refreshing you're the best and to have like such a badass like you supporting me is Really warms my heart still runs my heart Okay, this last one for us Coming from am I the asshole titled am I the asshole for not changing my outfit for a friend's birthday dinner? Because my ex said his new girlfriend would be uncomfortable I, 24 female, and my ex, Ryan, 26 male, broke up about eight months ago.

1:28:46It was mutual. No big blow up. We just ran our course. We have the same friend group, so we both made the effort to stay cool with each other, and honestly, it's been fine. After the breakup, I had a few rough months. Nothing dramatic. I just kind of lost myself a little bit. The last three or four months, though, I've genuinely felt better. Eating properly, going to the gym consistently, therapy every two weeks. I'm not trying to make this about my appearance, but I feel more confident than I have in years, and it shows. Our friend Danielle had a birthday dinner last weekend. Group reservation at a nice restaurant.

1:29:23About 12 people. I was excited. I bought a new dress for it. Nothing crazy, just a nice fitted dress, appropriate for a dinner out. Two days before the dinner, Ryan, my ex, texted me privately asking if I could, quote, dress it down a bit for the night. I asked what he meant. He said his new girlfriend, Jade, would be there, and she had already seen a photo of me from another recent outing and was feeling anxious about meeting me, and he just wanted the night to go smoothly. I read that three times. I told him I bought the dress for Danielle's birthday dinner and I was wearing it. He said he wasn't trying to fight about it.

1:30:09He was just asking as a courtesy and that I was making it into something bigger than it was. I said, asking me to change my outfit so your girlfriend feels better about herself is not a small ask. He left it at that. The dinner was fine. Jade was perfectly pleasant to my face. Nothing weird happened. Ryan was a bit off with me the whole night, but we managed. Now, two of our friends think that I could have just worn something else and kept the peace. The others think that Ryan had absolutely no business sending that text. Am I the asshole? But they didn't even know what she was gonna wear anyway she could have been like this is the looser dress just tone it down this is crazy this is triggering i don't know i'm about to freak out dress it down there's so many different elements of it first of all there's no way the girlfriend wanted him to tell her that no why are you doing your girlfriend dirty like that like she can say like hey i'm insecure like she's really pretty what that's such a man thing to be like wear a baggy outfit like as if that's gonna make her less pretty also if i was going to a dinner that i knew my ex-boyfriend was gonna be at and my ex texted me saying can you just look a little gross uglier oh that would go to my head also that's very controlling behavior telling a girl's life and your girlfriend how she can dress mind your business get out of here literally like hey you're too hot you're too hot I mean, I would be like, that would make my head big.

1:31:44I'd be like, okay, clearly I'm that girl. That's what I'm saying. I'm that girl, so take it as a compliment. You're that girl. But he's a damn mess. I know, and Jade probably didn't even want that smoke. And, yeah, and Jade did not want to be part of this. Leaved it out of it. And, great name. And who are these friends being like, you should have worn something? What? Like, is he picking out my wardrobe every morning? It's weird. We've been broken up for eight months now. Almost a year. It reminds me once an ex told me I, like, couldn't go to a comedy club that he goes to. And I was like, I'm a comedian.

1:32:21Like, you can't tell me. Funny. I'm going to be performing there. Not to go there. Like, what? So it's like they're out of the relationship with you, but they're still trying to control you. And I'm like, bro, you don't have tabs on me anymore. I'm not accessible to you anymore. There's no way Jade wanted that anyway. No. And Jade seems like she's actually like a cool girl. Like she's already seen a photo of me from another outing and was feeling anxious about meeting me. Wanted it to go smoothly. Jade's not being like, oh my God. Like it doesn't sound like Jade is talking shit. But I wonder if Jade knows, if all the friends know that he did this.

1:32:56I wonder. Because I would be pissed. I would be like, why did you do that to me? Also, there's no way Jade would have acted normal knowing that he texted her that. That's true. Yeah. Because I would have been even more anxious around that person. Oh, if my partner did that to me, it's like you just made me look so insecure. I'm also surprised she told him, though. Let's get some more acting in our relationships. Never tell a man that you're insecure because his ex is pretty. I literally only saw a picture of my husband's ex like a year ago. Like, I think we finally got married and I was like, what does your ex look like?

1:33:33Yeah. Also part of me is like I want his ex to be hot Yeah Like I'm like I want a man who has taste Thank you I want him to be like Yeah this is the level of You know lady That I like to be around Like he's out kicking his coverage If he's with a gross A gross ex I'd be like Oh no is that me Like what Yeah no I want you to like Have hot exes I want a man who's a sommelier Of sexy women Yes Yes The title of the episode sommelier that's literally some male podcaster is going to hear that and be like that's a rebrand it's like a new like dating advice book sommelier of sexy women don't give them ideas Hannah I do have a little thing though I don't like when a guy's like dated blondes before me I don't like that what do you have against us I cause then I'm like do you even have a type oh okay we're done here no but do you have a type like I want the girls before me to look like me I want them to have similar hair similar body type to be like okay I'm clearly this is what he's into I know some guys are more random but the men that I've like if you put all my men in a lineup you'd be like yeah all these guys are pretty similar and I do think guys will have one offs but like the long term relationships even like if his celebrity crush for example yeah that actually says a lot about a dude says a lot she got really nervous once asking a guy whose celebrity crush was this okay for example like when I was younger this guy said his celebrity crush was J-Lo I was happy with that because I was like hot I have a fat ass she is a fat ass we're brunettes we are I think she's a Leo I'm like this is great like I feel like I could understand you got it how he got there but if it's like a shy blonde that's not me that's babe you're barking up the wrong tree up the wrong tree let's not do this like if your ex only dated brunettes i mean your boyfriend or husband only day brunettes would that make you feel a type of way at all no it's honestly i saw his two types of women in the world he dated his like he was like literally with his high school sweetheart until like junior year of college and then found out she was cheating on him with a guy that he was making his music and literally like in the booth was rapping like, I'm fucking your girl and you don't even know it.

1:36:02And then he like accidentally found like an iMessage popped up on her computer while she was on a run. That's how he found out. So where can I watch that movie? I know. I saw a picture of her about a year ago, maybe a year and a half ago now. I don't even know. But no, it's fine. I'm like, fine. And then the girl he did it right before me, her name was Morgan. So he went from Morgan to Morgan. That was a little weird What's his name you're saying during sex right now? I know. Which one? Which Morgan are you thinking of? Morgan, one or two. And who's one or two? Well, I'd be two. She came first.

1:36:33Which chicken or the egg? She was first. I also like when I break up with a guy and then he ends up with a girl who also looks like me, then I'm like, he's literally obsessed with me. Okay. I have a girlfriend. I'm like, move on, you creep. That. I have a girlfriend that every single girl this guy has dated after her clones. Yeah. He seeks out women that look like her. I once there was a guy I dated who his mom came up to me thinking I was his new girlfriend because I look so similar to his current girlfriend. No, I was like, nope, no. Look, he knows what he likes. What do you think about the saying that guys will try to go after people that look like their moms?

1:37:18That one I hate. I could see a little bit of Oedipus complex thing happening potentially. I have a theory, though. My one weird theory of that is I think you go for people that smell like you, like a pheromone thing. Like, I think my husband smells like my family. There's studies on this. Yeah. Like, I smell him like his, like, just like his forehead. If I smell his forehead, I'm like, it reminds me of home. That's beautiful. Yeah. This got so sweet. That's absolutely beautiful. No, you are actually, you're more attracted to people that are genetically similar to you. Yeah. So I don't know if it exactly looks.

1:37:54And it's funny because like I don't I think I like guys who are like confident or outgoing Like my dad but like I End up I love guys with blue eyes There's no man with blue eyes in my family So I that's just That's just my kink I'm just you know some people have torso Dolls I like blue eyes Well you ended up With the right guy I cannot wait to get him on the podcast He's gonna be so fun Oh my god I know next New York trip He actually Has a special coming out soon So yeah Well there we go We gotta pay attention To yours right now Yeah it's true We'll give him his time To shine eventually You're right You're right It's fine Don't talk about him Where can people find you This has been absolutely Oh my god So much fun Incredible as always Hannah Burner everywhere My special's Out on Hulu I know we're gonna link it It'll be in the description Oh my god So easy to find You're the fucking best You're the best And yeah And listen to Giggly Squad I know I know Before we started Hannah was like I tried to get Paige We almost got Paige on One of these times Paige is coming to LA tonight What the fuck We'll get it We'll get her We'll get it I'm chattier We'll get more champagne We'll do it again Yep That's all good But make sure you watch the special I'm gonna be like sharing clips That Hannah Post Like we are all gonna be like Kiki ha ha's together Thank you I wish we could do like a Are you gonna do a live watch party?

1:39:21I don't know I still have to figure out what I'm gonna do for the day We'll chat We'll figure it out We all need to like do maybe a book club after we watch this You know kind of like a recap of like How do we feel? Like are we laughing? What was your favorite part? Yeah we needed like a None of my business book club After We're gonna chat friends But thank you guys so much for being here another episode Check out Hannah Especially the special and until next time guys bye thank you

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1:40:53They're good, simple clothes that are going to end up becoming part of your daily routine. And I've never felt more empowered and comfortable in my clothes thanks to Skims. Shop Skims cotton and all of my favorite pieces at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop down menu that follows. Thank you.

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