281: Irreversible Icks.. Ft. Ashby

29:16The one he's asking might not be the appropriate question even, because it's like, am I the asshole for ruining my girlfriend's birthday party by taking a party game too seriously? I mean, you diabolically almost like trauma dumped your terror on your girlfriend during her 30th birthday and all of her friends. Like you kind of just admitted that you're not a good person like to break up not one of your friends relationships but two fake by creating fake screenshots yeah that is a diabolical level of cruelty meanness and i don't know deranged behavior malice and malicious yeah like very very malicious yeah so yeah I mean you did like you shut down the birthday it ended after this so yeah you are the asshole for ruining the birthday not sharing this horrible secret beforehand and dropping it on her and also doing this this is crazy and for him to be like the secret was from high school it's not like I did it last year it's like okay that's so crazy to me like I hate when people say that especially like when you're I think you said 27 like I know you didn't do it last year bitch but like you did it you know so I have no idea what to think about it I feel like it is more kind of like what you were saying it's like you you made it about yourself and you also chose something that you knew your partner didn't know and I think that's the problem on her birthday too well and you should have picked a secret that only she knew about you right like at least so then one person could guess that it's you but I mean it's very clearly gonna be you based on what you just shared.

31:02But I do, yeah, it's just, I don't know. It's also the fact that he's just brushing it off. Like he doesn't really seem to acknowledge. Again, it's like the effect. I know your intent, maybe you were confused. Maybe like let's benefit the doubt. Let's say he realizes that those moments were wrong. He was immature and young. He should be able to admit that it was not the right time to bring it up. Yeah, time and place. And the effect was not what he intended. Yeah. But I think here he's like, I don't get it. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Even after seeing how it affected her. I think that's the biggest problem.

31:36Yeah. It's so crazy. The top comment on this one has actually been removed by a moderator because it failed to remain civil. So I think they had some strong words for them. Someone does reply and says a tad harsh calling someone a sociopath because they did something naughty at a high school and misread the room at a party. and someone then responds naughty going through the time and effort to make fake screenshots multiple times to sabotage multiple relationships I think you're downplaying how weird and worrying this behavior was I'm very curious what the top comment specifically said but we understand yeah yes I think sociopath is a little intense yeah um but I think like especially you know sometimes I flirt with the idea that I may be you know placed on the spectrum um if not the funny one.

32:28I think there have been social situations where my partner is like, hey, like they don't know you that well, that type of joke. Or hey, this, that, and the other, like where I'm like, what? Like I thought that was funny or what? Like I thought they'd be cool like me sharing that or where I genuinely am not on the same page where I'm like, oh, I don't understand how that could be taken that I'm like, oh, wow, maybe there are just different types of reception out there. So I get him in that regard and I have sympathy in that you know department of like maybe he really doesn't get why this is wrong to mention but again like you see the effect of it and like that's clear as day like who doesn't understand someone saying like that was inappropriate yeah there's another comment here big red box a lot of awards guess you won't need screenshots to end this relationship, you're the asshole.

33:21Wow, that was great. Honestly, award. It's like some slam poetry. I give them an award. Do I have any awards to give? Oh, I do. I'm going to give them one, too. I'm going to give them one, too. Yay. That's going to be great. I wish someone would give me an award. I'll give you one. You drop me the link for your... I have no idea what my account is. Well, you got to go on. You figure it out. Oh, okay. And then I'll come find you. Okay. Okay, award has been given. Yay. The next comment that I want to share is, the game was to have a laugh, not confess to being horrible. Suspect you will soon be single again.

34:03OP does respond to that and says, I don't know how I'm allergic to mango is funny in any way. Okay, that I do understand. Have you played Quiplash? No. it's basically a game where you're either like the most boring person in the room or you like make a 9-11 joke and everyone thinks you're weird it's like digital so it's on it's on the screen and you use your phone it's kind of like um cahoots it's kind of like a hoot uh and it'll give you a prompt like something you say to grandma before she goes to bed and someone will put in the room like good night love you and then someone's like make sure that ass is ready for me right and it'll show up on screen at the same time and in that moment you realize like oh you're you're in a more like pg group uh-huh and that's like the joke online is like you you kind of get outed so i get that where it's like i also would not find that being allergic to mango i wouldn't either i'm always gonna go for a joke would i have it be a like a very morally gray story about myself no I don't have any of those but I do get that it's like that wasn't funny yeah but that doesn't allow you to then make it about yourself and morally completely agree I am with you I wouldn't find the mangoes a hee hee ha ha moment I wonder if in that moment he was hearing them being read out and he was like okay let me just grab that my long slip of paper nope nope don't read that as you see someone unfolding it yeah because i'm allergic to mango i don't know who put the other one down there yeah who is is that play dumb yeah just i'm greek i am one percent greek you guys that person's crazy um but i think the big problem is and someone does highlight it here in another comment you're the asshole bro forget the game it's not about the game her friends aren't thinking oh he played this game wrong what a dummy they're thinking oh no he's capable of something creepy and vindictive I'm now worried for my friend who's dating him and that is I think that's the moral of a lot of these stories it's not about the game it's never about the game it's about the holistic view on how you approach situations, you know what I mean criticism holistic yeah, it's another one, another big word for today okay because it is, it's just all encompassing all these different contexts and nuances And I try not to like play into like the, oh, men always do this or men always do that.

36:34And I feel like they focus on like the drop in the bucket. We focus on the bucket and like it's almost full and it happens a lot. And this is something that I keep talking about. And they kind of go into the nitty gritty of like that one drop and like how it's different or how it's not applicable. But it's like, no, this is the bucket's full. You do this a lot. You know what I mean? So I think they view things in a very small scale, which isn't wrong. But I think women view it in more of like a pattern. We are pattern people. Finders. I think it's hard to argue pattern against someone that wants to focus on like that one instance.

37:14That is such an insane point and analogy. I'm just going to sit with that. I'm so terrified, by the way. I'm literally like I'm going to need to roll the tapes and just be like, men, look at the drop in the bucket. But women more so look at the bucket. And it is the best way I've heard that kind of looked at where it's like it's not really about the confession. It's about what the confession means, its implications and how it then relates to our relationship. And are you going to fake screenshots with me? Right. What does it mean? Do you feel sorry? Right. Doesn't feel like you do. Right. And it is more about that holistic view.

37:49Yes, ma 'am. That's good. That's good. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Let's get on to this next one. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Okay, so this podcast is literally about choices. Wild, messy, wait, you did what? Choices. But for the choices that are actually straightforward, State Farm's got over 19 ,000 local agents, real humans, ready to help you. Like helping you save when you choose to bundle home and auto with a personal price plan. Bundling, just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state.

38:26Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. Number three for us here, coming from r slash relationship advice, girlfriend repeatedly made comments about my height and size, then spent a month walking it back. She wants to continue the relationship. How do I handle this? I'm a 28 male, was married for six years, divorced a year ago, no kids. Took a break from dating, and three months ago, I met a girl four years younger. She's 24 female. I was really into her. At first glance, she seemed exactly my type and personality.

39:06For context, my style with women has always been old school gentlemen, opening doors, taking it slow, a bit chivalrous. She was pleasantly surprised at first, and she didn't expect that from a guy my age. Then the drama cascade started. Around the fifth or sixth date, I planned a double date to introduce her to my best friend and his wife. Everything had been near perfect until that day. On the way there, she suddenly got upset that her heels made her taller than me, which is absurd. I'm 178 centimeters and she's 160 centimeters. For those that don't know centimeters at home, like us sitting here.

39:46It is 5 '8 for him, 5 '2-ish for her. Fine. No heel closes that gap. And even if it did, so what? My ex-wife was exactly my height, and it was never an issue in six years. I tried to diffuse it with humor, but she kept making it a serious thing. It honestly felt like she wanted to emasculate me for some reason. That same evening at dinner, my friend's wife joked that me and my friend are so close, we're probably a secret gay couple. My girlfriend turns to my friend and says, quote, if you were a gay couple, you'd be the top and he'd be the bottom. That's crazy. My friend asked why, and she said, you're more masculine and manly.

40:32Awkward silence. They left soon after. When I got upset, She explained that in gay standards, I have more aesthetic and refined look while my friend is more rugged. Not the gay standard. That's crazy. Drama two. A few days later, she somehow circled back to the height topic. You know, you're not very tall, right? I asked. Straight to the point. Why we're even talking about this? If something bothers you, walk away. She said, quote, no, your height is tolerable for me. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with you anywhere. I told her that's not a compliment. 37 degrees Celsius heat is tolerable, not a person's proportions.

41:17She apologized, said she has poor vocabulary, and was just stating a fact. My take? You don't state facts about things that don't matter to you. Drama three. A few days later, we had sex for the first time. I was exhausted hadn't slept and jokingly warned her in advance that this wouldn't be my best performance sex was more or less fine afterwards she asked quote you're healthy right you don't smoke or drink I said correct she goes quote my ex was a user he smoked drank did drugs but he could stay hard for an hour. I laughed it off and said, call him then. Have him come finish. She apologized again.

42:03Quote, just stating a fact didn't mean to hurt you. I let it slide. Drama four. A few days later, successful sex in between, for the record, we're watching a show where a character has a comically exaggerated penis, like 40 to 50 centimeters. What show is that. It's giving that like 360 that everyone was like, yeah, but what show is that? I've never heard. I'm just at, I would like, I would like the name of that show. Thank you. Just for research. 15 inches. Sorry. I know I'm getting hung up on this. Literally hung. I'm wondering if, so do they show it in the show? It could be. I'm blushing. Game of Thrones, night of the seven kingdoms no i'll show you the scene no i remember the old guy goes outside to pee and it's just oh right oh it could be that wow that did it for okay we both joked about it and then she says quote length isn't what matters girth is work i'm slightly above average around 14 to 15 centimeters in length 13 and a half girth not small we're cuddling romantically and I playfully ask, do you like mine?

43:21She says, it's acceptable, but I've seen better. I hate her. I can't stand her. I took it as playful teasing at first, but about two minutes later, still in a playful slash sexual tone, I threatened her like, oh, you've seen better. Let me show you better right now. And she suddenly gets serious. Well, yeah, I've seen much bigger. Then she immediately realized what she said and pivoted to bigger doesn't mean better. Obviously, I lost all desire. Stop the foreplay. She snapped at me. Why are you acting like an insecure man? Do you need to be the best at everything? I emotionally distanced myself after that.

44:02A couple of days later, she says, yours is completely sufficient for me. Oh my God. That's great. Sufficient. That's crazy. I asked her, honestly, have you ever wished it was bigger? She said, no, but who wouldn't want that? Anyone who says otherwise is lying. That told me everything. Then came the month-long campaign from her. Week one started with, I can't believe how insecure you've become over this. That didn't work. Week two, you should see a therapist ignoring me for a week. This is not a normal reaction. Didn't work. Week three, she then backpedaled and apologized. Quote, I said something stupid, but it shouldn't have hurt you.

44:45You can't be the best at everything. You have other qualities. That made it worse. And so I told her, so should I stay in a relationship knowing you feel something's missing and compensate with money status and treating you well? Then week four, she took on a new approach. What do you think the difference even is between you and him? One to two CM max. and you're making a drama out of this? So in four weeks, it shrank from much bigger to only one to two centimeters. Two days ago, we had a final conversation. She says, you're the best man for me. Drop these bad thoughts. If penises made women happy, every woman would be walking around happy.

45:29Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense, by the way. I told her she wouldn't have said any of it if it didn't matter to her. You never once commented on my shoe size being 43 instead of 46 because you don't care about that. Then she asked, if you could design me as a character, wouldn't you change anything about me? I said, sure, maybe round out a toenail. She goes, see what I mean? If I were designing you, I would just add three to four centimeters to your penis. I can't believe this. So I kicked her out of my apartment at 3 a.m. Now she's in full drama mode, insisting she fell in love with me.

46:07She only said these things because she was upset. She's never been with a good man before and doesn't know how to adjust to it. And she doesn't want to lose me and this relationship. Any advice is welcome. Okay, I think, like, psychologically, I think she doesn't know how to appropriately express how she feels. I think she does it in a very mean, offensive way and then gets defensive when called out for it. There's a word for it, like, in psychology, and I can't remember what it, in my one semester I took a bit in college, but it is seen in relationships where someone doesn't like something about their partner and they have to verbalize it.

46:48And, like, that's the problem. They don't care. It's just an internal frustration that they feel this need to, like, verbalize. And, like, my thing is, my mom would always say, if someone can't change it in five minutes, don't say it. I love that saying. Because it's like, he can't change it. No. Also, you're one to talk down there. She won't find success, I think, in any relationship because she's, oh, of course there's always going to be something you would change about your partner. But to have it be so emasculating, like he was saying, and so rude and so persistent is like, she's crazy. I always find it I think one of my biggest icks Or a big red flag I see with people Is when their partner Or like one of the Two in the relationship tries to bring The other down in front of other people Where it's like why are you trying to humble me In front of my friends The whole thing like from drama one Two three and four like every single one was Bad but why are you bringing Me down in front of My friends who you're just meeting for the first time You're saying oh if we would be gay he'd be the top I'd be the bottom right then you're like implying all this other stuff like gay standards like I'm more aesthetic which are you calling me like then feminine like right and again OP did get that vibe of like I felt totally emasculated yeah it's just not a good feeling and you shouldn't be with someone like that like you've been dating for what a month total month and a half and by the way that's like honeymoon phase the fact that she's bullying you this early on is crazy.

48:18Yeah. It's insane. It feels like negging. Yeah. Where it's like she's really trying to be negative and like humble him, bring him down. So then he like kind of competes for that validation from her. Yeah. Again, I think it's she doesn't know how to appropriately verbalize her preferences. And like there are certain things I don't think you should ever one care about and then to mention to someone like height or penis size that because they can't change that. But I think she just doesn't have a good way of saying like, let's say your partner has more weight on them than you prefer. I feel like that type of person would be like, oh, look at this photo of Chris Hemsworth.

48:57Like, doesn't he look so good? Like, I wish you had that. Like, that's an inappropriate way of bringing up a preference or something that you, you know, if you want your partner to be like more athletic or whatever. I don't know the best way to bring it up but it's certainly not to compare which i think is this person's like knee-jerk reaction and no one wants that like if he was doing that to you uh you know pointing out like megan fox or you know like zendaya you know her height and how gorgeous and hot she's so hot um excuse me i got a little distracted there um you wouldn't like that no imagine like i think like any versus outie vaginas too and like labia right differences it's like would you like that like oh i've never been with someone who's such an outie right no that person probably never thought about that like and now they are thinking about it and um i don't know again it's gross it's weird it's weird also hey you got to test drive the car before you bought it right you're not a match move on i don't know why people have such a hard time admitting that to themselves i think it is though part like she wants him to admit it or to agree with her.

50:05I think that's part of it where it's like, you know, you're short, right? And I think she desperately wants him to agree to that for whatever reason. Because I think a lot of people out there know that there are certain things people can't change, but they want them to know that that's something like you have. I need you to know that you're short. Yeah. I need you to know that I've had bigger partners in the past for some reason. It's... It is interesting. I wonder what that is. I wonder if that's just like, hey, maybe she's not understanding social cues. Maybe she's just not, she's one of those people that can never be wrong or just like wants like, oh, this is fact.

50:41Like admit it. Yeah. There's something there. There's something there. And I would never again like use the word sociopathic, but I think there is a level of emotional numbness or lack of awareness when it comes to being like, Like, hey, you're hurting my feelings. And then her backpedaling and even the backpedaling is insensitive. Like, no, I'm not. I mean, he was like two centimeters more than you. It's like even that's not okay. So you clearly don't know how to appropriately and maturely even apologize. There are classes. Like if you want to go practice and like learn social cues and social norms, like there are classes at community centers all over that do that.

51:21There's occupational therapists that actually teach that as well. So there's ways to work on that. And like I would take this for her like as a lesson of like I need to be more tactful and compassionate and I don't need to verbalize everything as hard as it is. And if you feel like you need to get it out, then go write it down in a private diary. Right. No, I think that's huge because I think like therapy is expensive and it's not accessible to everybody. But I think if it is accessible to her, I would highly recommend it because it's not I would never bash someone for not understanding certain social cues because that's it's so nuanced.

51:54But this is one of those that time and time again, it's not effective and it's actually negative for your partner. And that's not just with that partner. That's pretty tried and true. Everyone going forward now, too. Like, this is done. Yeah. This guy's not going to continue. Right. But to sit down with a professional and genuinely say, like, why isn't this working? Why do I feel the need to verbalize this? And why does it frustrate me when he doesn't accept it or he doesn't like it? Like, why do I feel that itch? You know what I mean? So I think there's more work to be done there. I wouldn't just say, like, oh, she's a terrible person.

52:28I just think there's a lack of awareness there. And like, hey, find someone you don't have to verbalize that with. Right. Find someone you like more. Right. That you feel is a better match. That's cool. Totally. You don't have to make it work with everyone. It's not even how it's not possible. Right. Right. The comments. Top comment. Dude, you barely know this woman and she's been toxic as hell since day one. Block her on everything and move on. Next comment. Literally. Like, what is bro doing? Someone goes, she must be really fucking hot. Right. Which, hey, plausible. Hey. Plausible. Someone says, your problem is that you were unhappy by the fifth date, but you decided to keep dating.

53:12So accurate. Reading this, I was like, wait, why does it say girlfriend if she started this on the fifth or sixth date? And probably because she was hot enough to keep OP interested. But toxicity kills sex appeal over time. so a lot of people speculating about looks appearances right but I think you know you're coming off being married for six years first relationship and also she's okay I am fine with age gaps there is a lot of like unacceptable age gaps of course like I think even like anytime I hear even like this 28 and 24 that's an age gap where I would then question the maturity of both people because when I was 24 last year, I'm so young.

53:59If I, you know, look back four years, that's a huge difference in maturity. And I'm sure at 28, I'm going to view the same as when I was 24, especially when it's the man that's older. I don't know. It's one of those things where it's like if she's acting like this at 24 to a 28 year old, yeah, I think he's going to have that comparison, especially after coming out of a six year marriage, you know? Yeah. Probably a different level of maturity for sure. Married for six years, 24, dating, very different. I don't mind their age gap so much, especially since they're meeting now. Like they're both probably pretty established.

54:33Like I think for me, the age gap issues come with like when there's also power imbalances. Yeah. But clearly, emotionally, mentally, you're not connecting. Physically, you're not connecting. What reason do you have to stay? Yeah. I find none. So it's okay to move on. Right. And keep going. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, I agree. Let's find out if he does that, though, because we do get an update. I keep forgetting this is like an ongoing thing. We get an update and I haven't read it and I'm really scared. She asked to meet yesterday for 15 minutes. She said she had something to tell me. So I agreed. She came and asked, quote, after all this time, did you never develop feelings for me?

55:14I told her, yes, I did. But I love myself more than I love anyone else. Maybe one day my child will be the exception, but you are not my child. Then she asked what loving myself has to do with not loving her too. She said she loves me very much, deeply. She regrets everything she said. She called herself stupid, said that she lacks tact. I replied that it's one thing when something slips out, you apologize and you stop. That happens. People are human. But it's another thing entirely when you tell me there exists some man, let's call him Jason, whose dick I can never match. Jason needs no additions or changes, but if it were possible that you would add three to four centimeters to me, that's where you locked me into a permanent comparison.

56:00If you had just said I'd give everyone a few extra centimeters, Jason included, you included, I would just keep increasing it indefinitely. Fine. There's a preference, but you said he needs nothing added and I do. So I can't live with a person who first hurt me and then instead of expressing regret and stopping spent weeks reinforcing the belief that I will never be a sufficient man for her. She said, but you are sufficient. But imagine you purchased the Porsche. Wouldn't you add a few horsepowers if the manufacturer offered it to you? I laughed so much about it. I love when I can add horsepowers to my car.

56:42But she was trying to backhand again and replied, but there's a second Porsche in your garage that needs no addition. That's the problem. I advised her to go work on herself, get into a psychoanalytic therapy, invest in general education and culture. And I wished her the best. I'm going to use that. I, if anyone is ever mean to me, I'm just going to say you need to invest in general education. Um, that is a, that's crazy. That's a, that's, do you have your GED? A dig. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. I think he's absolutely right. I think it's good that he is putting himself first in this scenario because he won't be first to her.

57:25And that's very clear. It gets hairy when it comes down to preferences. And I think that's always going to be a thing. But I think when you're in the dating world, you have that option. If you see someone and you know that height will always be a problem, that's respectable that you don't pursue people that don't satisfy that for you. It's when you and that person who doesn't meet that preference get into a relationship willingly and you continue to make it a problem. You kind of sign that contract to be like, OK, I'm willingly getting into this relationship with someone who has different preferences or doesn't match my preferences perfectly.

57:59But that's you being willing to not have that be a topic of conversation. So, yeah, I think she just needs a lot of work on herself. Yeah. Yeah. The car analogy. I'm like, again, it's like you're like bandaid over a bullet hole. You're making it worse. I don't think it's your even your analogies are hurtful. it's like no also what does a car have to do with my dick right and it's like using a port it's like what are we doing here also it's not easy to add a couple horsepower like yeah add a couple horsepower to my Honda it doesn't work what are you adding nitrous are you upgrading to a turbo charge what are we doing but it's also like again this is my body right you could throw all these hypothetical bad analogies out that you want I can't change my body.

58:50It's also not normal to say that to someone. No. That is, again, preferences aside, you can't say that to someone. It's diabolical. And if it is that important to you. And you should leave, you know, do that person a service and take yourself out of it. So, you know, it's crazy. I know. It's really. Hey, it's Kelly Rowland. You may not know this, but I have eczema. So I get how it can steal your time. But why let eczema take over when you can talk to your doctor about EBCLIS? EBCLIS, Lubrikizumab LBKZ, a 250 milligram per two milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema.

59:35Also called atopic dermatitis that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EbGliss can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EbGliss. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EbGliss. Before starting EbGliss, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about Epclus and visit epclus.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979.

1:00:10I'm just beyond baffled with this one and also this next one. Oh, God. There's some crazy people out there. Like, I'm a little cuckoo, right? But like, ooh, I don't—reddit's scary. There's some crazy people. Yeah, how do you feel about body fluids? Me? Yeah, are you like—do you get grossed out with fluids? Well, where'd they come from? because me I'm like I'm chilling um I guess this isn't about mine so yeah go ahead no this is coming from r slash relationship advice am I 30 female rude as hell and mean for calling my husband disgusting after he came into a blanket and let me put it on unknowingly Ew!

1:00:53It'll blanket. I don't know. Okay, go ahead. I'll start off by saying my husband, 35 male, and I have had some really rough patches in the past year. We both really want to make it work, but lately I've had to set some hard boundaries. The main one being I don't feel like I'm given the same respect that he gives everyone else. We had a really stupid argument and I'm legit losing my mind over it. I feel insane and I truly need to know if I'm overreacting or off base somehow. We both had a really long week, and today my husband took the day off and has been in a funk all day. I had yet another really long day at work, and since I got home, I was giving him his space.

1:01:36We were interacting in little friendly blips, like to see how the garden progress was going and to take the dog for a walk. Well, this evening, my dog had a tiny accident on the bedding, she has medical complications, and I had to wash the bedding. Unfortunately, by the time my husband and I were ready for bed, the bedding was still not even close to being done because I started it so late in the evening. So we plan to sleep in the guest room where he has been hanging out all day. He has his gaming systems and TV in there. I go to put a blanket on and I feel something very wet in the darkness of the room.

1:02:15Just a guess. Why is it wet? Yeah, that's what I would do Why is it wet? Him Oh, because I came on it earlier He says this like this is the most normal thing ever What the fuck? Why didn't you put it with the other bedding being washed? That's disgusting Him That's so rude There's no need to be mean about it Obviously, some of the words might have been different Because this was a few hours ago at this point But you get the gist This conversation proceeds to accelerate to an argument really quickly because apparently I have always known that he came in blankets. I did. He's a serial blanket comer.

1:03:03It's fine. Just sleep on the other side. And that as his wife, I should be okay with it. It's just his cum. And, quote, it's sterile. I'm not joking. These were his arguments. It's sterile. It's cum. What do you mean? Okay. I would argue back that it's wild that he is getting so defensive over me saying something that is obviously true, that it's disgusting to cum in blankets and just leave it. And how I knew he liked the feel of a blanket, but not the result looking like this, and how his other arguments are just fucked up to say. And yes, we did hear that right. I knew he liked the feel of a blanket.

1:03:43I'm just confused. Okay. Is it like one time per blanket? Because I feel like I would get like the optimization of it being like 10 sessions per blankie. Right? Because then it's like, okay, here's my thing. I don't come in blankets, me personally. But I think if I were a guy, I would maybe choose a sock, right? I think that's pretty standard, you know? Maybe like a hand towel. but like a full blanket seems just wasteful space-wise and like washing a blanket is a pain in the ass I think the problem here though is more you saw your partner don the blanket right and I want to know if there was urgency of like oh don't put that on I've come in it or or if it was like you should be cool with this that's that's I think my that's where the problem would lie.

1:04:36Yeah, well. Because, like, you determine whether it's normal for you to do, not for my reaction. Don't make it my problem. Don't gum. Stop gumming, please. That's what I would say. OP goes. You came again, didn't you? Again? He comes out of the game room. Oh, my God. Again? OP does go on to say, he then proceeded to fly off the handle and yell about how I'm always criticizing and I need to shut up. This is one of the things I recently told him to stop saying to me, the shut up. And it's honestly wild to me that I have to even ask my husband to stop saying something like that to me. And he's flying off the handle at me saying that leaving cum in a blanket is gross.

1:05:21But whatever, I guess. I left the room and I'm trying to sleep on the tiny couch. Honestly, I don't know. Like I said earlier, I feel insane. Is this some wild normal thing that I somehow missed the memo on? If not, why the fuck can't my husband take my disgust as a valid response to something like this? How the fuck did he justify it in his brain that as his wife, I should be okay with something like that? Question mark, question mark, question mark. Again, I'm so uncomfortable in this blanket now, by the way, I'm like thinking about it. um you came in here didn't you they're clean i it's again it's the theme where it's how do you react to me communicating that i don't like something yeah and that is where the true problem lies look you can come in as many places as you want well okay there's a limit there but you you can you can do what you want within the walls of our own home right within the confines of your gamer room.

1:06:27There's options there. There's options there. Yeah, there's options. I feel like it's when I communicate that I don't like it or it's making more laundry work for me or I think it's gross or it irks me a little bit. Your reaction to that is where I think I would look for the problem. Are you going to tell me to shut up? Are you going to say that I should be okay with it? So again, it's bigger picture. It's not so much why do you keep coming in weird places? Yeah. It's just gross. I did act it out I like sorry what? I was like trying to see what the sensation might be to use a blanket as your your method put your penis on it it would be unique how did you act it out?

1:07:06I just had to just like you give yourself a little arm job with the blankie I just wanted to see oh my god what are you talking about? I just wanted to see what he was experiencing right right I don't know I just I didn't understand the blanket I was really trying to understand right what he I just right I don't know you guys. I'm a curious gal. Whatever. Right, right, right. But again, like, it's not really about the blanket here. I really don't understand. Well, now, see, I guess it's more... This blanket's really soft. Oh, I would totally come in that. For sure. Exactly. Thank you. But if you said, Ashby, stop.

1:07:42Please, God, stop coming in my blanket. I'd be like, okay, that's fair. Or just like, hey, if you're... I'd find my own little blanket. If you're gonna do it on the blanket or use the blanket as your... pocket blankie like at least just wash it what if he left it on the bed let it dry what if a guest comes over and sleeps in that bed got to it well and i'm just asking questions i feel like what and what if the dog got to maybe that's why the dog has tummy problems oh my god can you imagine disgusting it feels like it's it's definitely an ick this would ick me out you wash your blanket or like hey let's get you a little like tiny one there's a quote in there somewhere like you wash your cum you better if you yeah you better wash it yeah you can just i'm known for my quotes yeah you're really you're gonna serve some clips for sure for sure yeah i think it's like it's your mess clean it up would you get divorced over this because married married i wouldn't get married over this so i mean that was one quote that i was curious about she said she's known that he likes to come in blankets.

1:08:51Can I also ask the question, do you have to come in it? Do you have to feel a blanket? Like, do it, and then switch to like a towel. What about a fuzzy sock? What about like a really fuzzy sock? I think maybe, okay, here's my theory. I think maybe he makes it into a shape, like the blanket. You know what I mean? Oh, like the towel animals? Yeah, yeah. What? That's not good. I agreed without knowing what the hell you're talking about. You know when like the hotel cleaning people will come in and like make animal shapes with towels on your bed? For sex? You've never experienced. I don't think it's for sex reasons.

1:09:30That's for sex reasons. I just saw a photo. That is 100%. They're really cute. Look at this. There's a stingray, a swan, an elephant, monkey. When I saw that for the first time, I wanted to fuck it. That's 100 % a kink thing. For sure. that's men are wild creatures and they see that and they anyway i think he's making it into a shape similar yes to the stingray or whatever i think he's like rolling it up so i don't think it's like can be replicated with a fuzzy sock is my theory but if he's insistent on this do the blanket and then put the sock inside of the or just put the blanket aside and stop coming have some tissues.

1:10:12I'm being too accommodating. Or, breaking news, use your wife. Don't use your wife. Oh my God. Ask, of course, before you do that. Of course. But you have the real blankie at home. She was at home. She was in the other room. Literally bopping around. Put the blanket away. Again, it's not so much about the blanket. it really is like his total disrespect. Right. It's the reaction to her displeasure. Shut up. You're being mean. And I am curious why he didn't stop her, but it's sounding like, oh, it was a dark room and he couldn't see and then she went for it. He knew he had just done that. But again, oh, babe, oh, we're going to sleep in the guest room because our sheets aren't clean.

1:11:00Okay. Yeah, let me go change that bed real fast. I did a little deed in there. You came in the blanket again. Yeah. It's disgusting. They also just need more blankets. I think if they're only rocking with two and you have a cereal blanket comer, you must have more blankets. Yeah. Like a backup. He doesn't like hide one blanket from him. No, and there's some good blanket deals. Home goods, TJ Maxx, Marshall Rack. But like keep one that only you know about as the backup blanket. Because if he finds a blanket, it's not safe. He's coming in it. It's not safe. No, absolutely not. Right. Comments. How is he 35?

1:11:36This is disgusting. disgusting. The fact he takes zero accountability is such a red flag. I wouldn't be able to get over this. OP responds, I would throw out phases like, how old are you? And this is teenage shit, but nothing would get through to him. I honestly don't understand how he rationalized this in his head. He is not an irrational guy. I think it is a, maybe a little bit of a thing for him now. Like he needs the blankie. Yeah, I think, yeah, it could be like a mommy thing or whatever. It could be like a thing, like a developmental thing. Someone sent me a crazy diaper video the other day.

1:12:14What? Of like this grown man. What? It's a thing. Yeah, it's a new, very up and coming big baby, big baby kink. Oh, big baby's been thing. Yeah, since 1964, I believe. What? First documented case of big baby fetish. What? Trust me, I'm going down the rabbit hole. Wow okay and so how does that relate to this? Well maybe he needs his binky Yeah maybe he is a big baby I think he is Pavlov-ing himself I also want to know the frequency Like if he's doing this every single day That's like a sexual problem I think you might be on it with the Pavlov Because I oh my god this is like throwing me way back We had this one story Early to our takes days And this guy had Pavlov-ed himself that every time he came, he needed to poop.

1:13:03And so he's going to this girl's house and hooks up with her and ends up coming and shits on her floor. What? And he was so embarrassed by it, he just ran out. It's like sphincters all loose and stuff from it. Wow. He just dropped a log. Wow. Yeah, so I could see that with the blankie. You know, the comments, everyone is kind of, ew, not normal. Right. You're not rude as hell. That's either some nasty teenage stuff or some bizarre territory marking. Wait, is he the dog? Is this like a little switcheroo? He's the dog in the story. No. OP does, again, say, no, this is real. It's husband. Someone shares here.

1:13:43Girl, he has no respect for you. Not only is this vile behavior, but telling you to shut up regularly is not on. He sounds like a petulant teenager, not a life partner. OP says, I keep thinking he will change. He keeps telling me he will. I honestly want to send him this post. I have no idea what it would do, though. Yeah. Again, it's how your partner reacts to you communicating with them. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, I think that's the main issue. And again, telling them to shut up is crazy. This is only five days old. Oh, he probably just came in a blanket as we were talking about this. Yeah. Wow.

1:14:25A lot of people link another Reddit post I've read. It's coming from 2xChromosomes and it's titled, He Knows He Doesn't Care. And they just kind of go on to this spiel of like, he understands what he's doing is wrong. He knows what he's doing is wrong. He just doesn't care. Yeah. And basically being like, ma 'am, this is you. This is your life. This is your scenario. Yeah. He doesn't care. Because like, I think it's clear that it's not his problem. Right. Like it's her problem. Totally. Yeah. But again, five days old. No update yet. But looking at OP's account history, a couple other posts. This one is on U.S.

1:15:01military significant other. I'm in a mil-mil marriage, and I think we need a divorce, but we work together. We're both in the Air Force. Wait, this is the same poster? Yeah. Mil-mil? Mil-mil? Mil-mil marriage. So they're both in the military. Oh, got it. Military-military marriage. Oh, got it. Okay. Not mil-dependent. Yes. Okay, got it. Yes, they're both in the force. Okay. Yeah. Both in Air Force. No kids. Only a couple years left. And my husband has a couple more after me. The goal was to stagger getting out. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here's the thing. Our relationship is not going well.

1:15:35And while I still love him, I can't shake the feeling that I'm running out of time to get out of this relationship. To find someone who actually treats me with respect and doesn't act like I'm asking for the moon when I ask them to stop telling me to shut up in argument. And to communicate about drinking alcohol before he starts doing it and allow for a two-way conversation about it. a lot of other details just kind of going on like she doesn't really have any friends no support system by the sounds of it and then there is another post coming from r slash spokane couples therapist recommendations interesting you're in washington right yeah you're good with geography too thank you so much wow yeah so like couples therapist i to be honest selfishly wish that would have said divorce lawyer recommendations.

1:16:23But I think where her head is kind of at seemingly by these updates, like very conflicted, like one post, I think we need a divorce. The next asking for a couple's therapist. So she'll figure it out. Yeah. I think she's there. She's close. I think the, while the coming in the blanket is very enticing and seems like the biggest problem. Clearly they've been having issues. And I think this is just the byproduct of not respecting your partner. And I think that'll happen with, you know, buying groceries she said she doesn't like or making the bed the way she doesn't like or, you know, what time you wake up.

1:17:02Like it'll become so trivial if there's no foundation of respect there. So yes, this like seems like a big issue. And while it may be, I think it just follows the same theme of not respecting your partner's wishes. Yeah. Yeah. I doubt. Maybe that's the biggest ick of it all. Truly. That's the theme. I'm telling every single one of these stories is someone not respecting their partner after they say, hey, I don't like this. Please don't do it again. Okay. I'm going to give you this next one because this is. Plan B is a backup birth control option that's there for you when things don't go according to plan.

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1:18:48My fiance, 24 male, and I, 24 female, have been dating for six years. He proposed to me a few months ago, which was the happiest moment of my life. We set our wedding date for this December. However, after what happened last night, I'm seriously considering breaking up with my fiance, and I'm unsure if I'm an asshole. My fiance, my brother, and I were all walking back to our car from dinner at a nice restaurant. The car was parked pretty far away as the place was packed, so we had to walk quite some distance. It was late at night, and as we were walking, a person on a bike came to the side of us and stopped us and demanded we give everything we had.

1:19:33My fiance panicked and just ran away. But my brother, after talking to the man for a couple of minutes, just attacked the man. And long story short, my brother beat him up. The man had no weapon. It was just a fake gun. I called my fiance after that and told him everything was fine and that we would pick him up. My fiance still seemed a bit shaken. Having to be picked up after that is so embarrassing. But I did explain to him that everything was all right, and my fiancé thanked my brother a lot. However, I just felt extremely weird and sort of disappointed that my fiancé just ran away. I understand it was his natural instinct, but just seeing my brother take the attacker down and in comparison to my fiancé just running away, I just felt like I lost a lot of love for my fiancé after last night.

1:20:22I spoke with my brother this morning to get his opinion, and he said I should still give my fiance a chance and that my fiance loves me. And what happened last night is not a normal occurrence. However, I told him I just got a massive ick and I don't know if this ick will ever go. Am I the asshole? That's tricky because it is a knee jerk reaction. It's an instinct. And I feel like I would equally be like I've never had this happen to me before, but I feel like if my partner took the risk of attacking that person, which is like statistically what you shouldn't do. Obviously, it's nuanced. I feel like I would also be mad at my partner being like, you put yourself at risk.

1:21:07It's not worth it. Just give him the wallet, throw the wallet, right? Whatever they say is more effective. So I feel like there's no great way to handle it because you're dealing within a unpredictable situation. So there's no great way to go about it. I feel like I could see myself doing what I'm assuming she's doing, which is evaluating like what it means, like how much does he love me if he runs and he didn't check on me or if he didn't take me with him. Or I think that's dangerous game to play because it really, like her brother said, isn't a natural occurrence. It's not going to be a continuous thing.

1:21:40And I feel like it may be a little unfair to attribute feelings. And but I see how visually it looks like that. It's tricky. I know it is really tough because my head would do that same thing too. Like, what if it was me and our kid? And he left me and our kid. Because I think my first reaction was like, well, he just ran away. But like, did he attempt to grab your hand? Or was he like solely only concerned about himself in that moment? And there was no regard for you. And I get, we cannot predict how we're going to act in these situations. It is scary 100%. But like, I wasn't even a thought. Right.

1:22:18I understand the ick. I think the ick is like very reasonable given all of this. Is it a normal occurrence? No, this isn't hopefully going to happen that often. But like the way it did is still not great. But on the flip hand, I have had another story in the past where this guy was writing in because there was a girl that was like getting mugged or something outside of a bar. And he stepped in, got his ass kicked, and his girlfriend was watching the whole thing. And she got the ick from him helping and getting his ass kicked. Okay, that's so crazy. So I'm like, it's maybe a catch-22 of a situation.

1:23:00Like you're icked if you don't and icked if you do. And this is scary. I don't know. But for me, I think the fact you're comparing your boyfriend to how your brother reacted, which again, isn't maybe the recommended method. Like you're kind of putting yourself down a slippery slope of like you're going to kerfuddle yourself or just like fuck yourself up with this. Yeah. Yeah. That's that is tricky. I feel like if it was a like a physical attack, I think she would be more not that she isn't here, but more justified in saying like you let me be at risk and you didn't try to stop an interaction or something.

1:23:45Yeah. But since it was more of like a mugging, like a threatening thing, there's, again, no right way to go about it. Yeah. Other than like if he came at her with like a knife. Like I've seen a video. I don't know if you've seen it. It's like CCTV footage of this guy with a knife trying to stab this guy's girlfriend. What the hell? He doesn't do it successfully. They're like backpacking or whatever. And he runs away. And she's like fighting him off and everything. That is a problem. Yeah. That I think is more of a testament. Well, I will say here, the line, the man had no weapon. It was just a fake gun.

1:24:17Right. I bet he was bolstering a weapon. Exactly. And so in this guy's head, as he's running away, he's like, this guy's got a gun. We all just need to run. Right. That's what my my assumption there is that he thought everyone would do the same thing. Because I think I you always assume that how you react is how everyone is going to react and how you should react. Unfortunately, I've been like spooked by my cat in my house and I've made the worst sound scream ever. And I'm like, wow, that's really how I would react to an intruder. Like that sucks. Like that's so embarrassing. I hate that. Yeah, I do.

1:24:51I'm a big jump scare. The DoorDash guy scared me today. Oh, no. I know. I walked out the door as he was walking to the door. Didn't see him. Yeah. Freaked up. And it's gun. You don't have control over that. So I think maybe it was just him assuming everyone was going to do the same thing. That's a good point. And I think him being very apologetic and also very thanking to the brother of like, thank you so much for doing that. I think that is like hindsight in his position being like, maybe I didn't react perfectly, but I'm glad you did what you did. I think the fake gun thing, like, yeah, in hindsight, it was a fake gun.

1:25:24But I think in that moment, you can't discern whether or not it's a fake gun. And I think, again, there's so many things you could do in that situation. And I think running is one of them. It's fight or flight. And I think, again, it's apples and oranges. It's not the same. No, like no one's at fault here. But I'm really glad you do bring that point up because a lot of the comments do pick up on that. Basically being like, OP, like you should actually talk to your brother, too, because this guy had a toy gun. Like, again, there's no way to discern. And you could have been down one brother if it had been a real one.

1:25:54Right. Like, your brother doing that isn't necessarily a good response either. That's why I'm like, I feel like I would be mad at my partner if he— And I've talked—I'm like the one person that if I honk at someone and they pull up to me next to a red light, I duck. Because I'm like, I'm going to get shot. They hate me. I worry about that constantly in LA. Oh, constantly. Like, I don't flash if someone's lights are off and stuff because it was like a gang initiation thing in like 2008 or something. The moms are still talking about that on Facebook. Oh, my mom was all about that. Yeah. And so I've had discussions with my partner where I'm like, if it comes down to it, if someone, you know, because we lived in New York for like a year, just drop the wallet, throw the phone.

1:26:29I don't care. I don't want you to be, you know, you know. So it's honestly like a good conversation to have. I think it's great. Let's have a plan in place. I'm a worrier. And of course, you know, knock on wood, hopefully it'll never happen. But if it does, it's actually good to have those those communications prior to it happening. We need to add this to like the we're putting together a list of like questions you should ask your partner. Yeah. It's like, how would you react? Yeah. Like, what's our plan going to be for if we ever get mugged? And we even like we have a safe word that I have a safe word with my family now, too.

1:27:02It's for the A.I. calls. 100 % and it's like if We use just like a random name Of like someone none of our friends Have this name it's not common Yeah and if I ever text it Or if I ever say it on the phone it means to immediately Check my location and send 911 to that Location so like that's we have fail safes This is so good but again it's Partly Dumb because it's my anxiety but In these instances it's important To know how your partner wants you to React if both of you are game to put yourself at risk during a mugging with a suspected weapon that's a choice that you both make but if one person goes for it and the other person doesn't that choice is being made for them and I think that's important we're like I don't know if the brother did the right thing in this in this you know scenario I'm with you and like statistically like if someone's like brandishing a weapon more often than not if they wanted to show you they would and that's like a whole thing if they're showing it they they won't do it whatever but I think it's important to not make a decision for a group like that but then also it's like you don't have time to discuss that so again it's I think you you do the best you can with what you know yeah I wouldn't blame people for how they react well there's a comment here too that basically says I can't blame her I also can't blame him but no one wants a person they can't rely on and I think that's like true like where your core feelings coming from right now like is it you felt like he didn't care about you in that moment or yeah you're nervous to depend on him going forward and can you sort that out and if you can't like yeah you might not be able to proceed forward with this person but it's a really this is just a really i think it's about the communication that happens after i agree again and how they react to that like if if he is you know saying i'm so glad you're okay i'm sorry this is how i reacted or if he's like i thought we were all running or i think it would be smart next time if we ran, you know, doubling down on his position.

1:29:01I think it's the intent behind that that kind of matters because hopefully this doesn't happen again. But you have to be on the same page with your partner if it assumes risk for both of you. Well, and a lot of people were asking, they're like, did he call 911? Yeah. Did he go look for help? Right. Did he look back at all to check? You know, I think that's important. Well, because OP did say like, I called him after and I said, we can come pick him up. Did he just - Where was he? Did he just keep running? He was not walking distance. Like, where did he go? Because your first thought again, okay, fight or flight, you flight.

1:29:35Right. Flighted. Right. You're gone. Yeah. What? Fled. Fled. Thank you. Got you. And so it's like, okay, you're away. There's some space. Now where's your head at? Are you still Kool-Aid man running down the street? Right. Or it's like, oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I left them there. I should look for help. I should call cops. I should... Like, then... But depending on what his next steps were, that would be probably a deal breaker for me. Yeah, because then I think, again, knee jerk reaction, more often than not, it's going to be out of your control. But the moments after, I think, are telling of like, did you glance over your shoulder?

1:30:13Did you go into an alley and call 911? Did you shout at them? That, I think, is where I'm like, am I even on your mind in this moment? I don't know if they gave any clarity there, but I think that's the more telling part. that if you wanted to dissect this and attribute it to his feelings toward you, I think that would, the after would be the more appropriate moment rather than like the actual action. Yeah. OP gets a lot of advice. I mean, top comment on the original post has 15k of votes and they basically say whether the change in your feelings about your fiance makes you an asshole or not, you would not be doing either of you any favors by staying with him out of guilt.

1:30:54You feel what you feel. And again, like a lot of people are like, awesome. 15k votes. Reasonable answer here. Right. And then we do get an update. Update comes one day after the original post. I have broken up with my fiance. No. I did it this quick. He started coming in blankets. Could you imagine it's the same girl? We're like, oh my God, he's back. He's back. I did it this quick because it was not fair to him or to me to keep this relationship just stringing along. Yes, I loved him a lot and will always cherish the memories I had with him. But after the incident last night, I just don't have that same love for him anymore.

1:31:35And I don't think I ever will. To be clear, I don't blame him for what he did in running away. It was his natural instinct. And I completely understand that. But when my brother instinctively stepped in front of me to shield me from the attacker in comparison to my fiancé just running away scared, it pretty much evaporated most, if not all, of my feelings for my fiancé. I've just learned about myself that one of my love languages is safety and security. I let my fiancé know, and I apologized, and I told him I don't blame him at all for what happened the previous night. My fiancé was devastated, and he did cry a lot, but after some time, he said he understood my decision.

1:32:16I still feel guilty about it because my fiance is a really kind and sweet man, but it also wouldn't be fair to him if my heart wasn't in it. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves him for who he is, and I deserve to find someone who I wholly love. Yeah, that's tricky. I think it's good that she did a lot of like introspection, I hope, in that like she wouldn't want to drag him along if her feelings were gone. I think I would then question how grounded were those feelings, I think, prior to this. It's one of those things like I've never been in that scenario. And I'm sure the shock of it and like the dissecting of it could have me questioning the dynamic of my relationship but it's a shame that it's it was something out of his control and so I think it's like it's two-pronged where it's like I'm glad she isn't stringing him along in that I don't think it's a testament to their relationship very quick too yeah like just a total flip right which I think I would have loved for like her to get a therapy consult to like really because it is a traumatic event.

1:33:30That is something that you both went through. And maybe they would have some wise words on like what that actually means. You know, I think you bringing that up, too, is a really good point because this is, again, very traumatic. And someone has a comment here on the update. Trauma is a very divisive experience. People either become much closer or they break up. You did the right thing. No assholes here. And that is no assholes here. You got the ick. It was irreversible. Yeah. You're both moving on and we'll find your people. Yeah. I want honestly go so far to say it's like not an ick because I think even that word I feel like has been weaponized against okay men and I'm their advocate no um but I think it is like in relationships like I don't get the ick from my partner because I love him in everything he does even if I don't like if I find something he does cringy it's just that because I'm sure I do things So you think that ick is like really?

1:34:30How do you define ick? I think specifically women, I think, tend to attribute something they don't like or that they wouldn't choose their partner to do as an emotionally altering moment. And I don't think that's fair. I think we can dislike something our partner does or like let's say they use baby talk and we don't like that. I think it's just a dislike. And I think we feel that emotion of like, oh, I don't like that you did that. And we almost attribute it to like attraction or that's gross or this makes you a different person where I think maybe maybe that is appropriate. Yeah. I think there is a different word for it rather than like, wow, that made me not like you as much or this is, you know, cringy or gross or you're less of a man or whatever.

1:35:17Ick for me equals cringe. And then you have irreversible icks, which we're getting into today, which are kind of like they're beyond an ick. Right. But I do think like a great example of like an ick is like when you see someone kicking their feet underwater. Like that's so cute to me. You are just an angel. No, I think. But again, I think I and I know that feeling like I've I've had, I guess what you could label an ick where you feel almost like embarrassed that. Okay. And you feel that for the other person. And I think it's a very uncomfortable feeling. And I think that discomfort has us then feeling resentment, anger, or disgust.

1:36:01Oh, yes. I like to call it secondhand embarrassment. Other people just say empathy. That's the thing. I think secondhand embarrassment specifically with women, when we view it on men, I think we then have I think the feeling we get with secondhand embarrassment is then triggering of we want to have it for some reason be like malicious or bad or that's weird. They shouldn't do it again when it was just I think that secondhand embarrassment. Yeah. and I could be wrong I could be like ignorant to it and I'm just like I like your way of explaining it but I have felt that feeling before and I catch myself feeling like if my partner did this thing in the movies the other day during a trailer in a 70mm showing of The Odyssey so there are like real film people there right and we're like in a great we're like right in the middle and him and I have been joking about that movie and how it's so stupid no one else around us knows that we think that movie is stupid And after the trailer ends, before the Odyssey, he goes, yes.

1:37:06And of course it was a joke between us, but I felt that ping of secondhand embarrassment because no one here knows that we think it's a stupid movie. They think he's so damn excited to watch this fucking movie. And I felt that and I feel like someone could label that as an ick. When I assessed that I had that emotion, I then was angry. because I was uncomfortable with that emotion that I felt and I didn't want it to happen again and so I was like that's weird and I put a label on it when it's something that I felt it's not necessarily his fault that I it caused me to feel that way it was just something he did.

1:37:41I would say that's the thing so I think I think that right I think that's the problem is we put it on. Yeah I've got a good example too so the other day I'm sitting here I was in this chair my dad and my husband had just gotten done recording my dad's podcast and my dad was like okay I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then I'm gonna leave and Justin goes oh does Jerry need to make a poopy ick ick ick ick no and he said it in a baby voice and I'm not a baby talker you know right whatever floats your boat but me my boat has a lot of holes in your baby talker I'm sinking and just Jerry needs to make a poopy or whatever he said I'm like make a poopy ick that was an ick for me I think it's like the response you have when you feel an ick and I think yeah I think that's kind of what was happening with that girl who had a preference of height and penis size and she felt those and she needed to verbalize it and I think it becomes malicious if you again you feel an uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment or dissatisfaction you need that person to know and sometimes it just comes across of like like standing outside a shower or kicking your feet in water.

1:38:52I think to put a negative connotation on sometimes feminine traits that men have, which I think that goes down the rabbit hole of like - I don't like that. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, when he's like too nice to his mom. I'm like, okay, we can't have it both ways. We can't want more feminine qualities in men and more soft and more gentle and caring. And then also shame when that happens. Yeah, no, that I hate. Like, so again, it's like - No. And I don't want to be too much of a male apologist, But I think there is with the ick, I've always had my thoughts about it because I feel like it's putting negativity on something that is warranted.

1:39:25Just like anything, it can go too far or be taken the wrong way. Girl, I do the weird. Oh, my God. I do the weirdest shit. You've seen me. We all do. I am a walking ick. I'm corny on the cob. I love that, though. Your little skits dressing up as Hamilton or the Odyssey, like it gives me life. But no, I think when people twist it and like I just saw another post where it's probably going to be read, I think, on our Patreon. But this woman is basically being like, my mother-in-law won't stop like harassing my husband and basically implying that he's gay because he'll do crafts with me. And it's just like when you take it like for someone that could be an ick, like, yeah, he likes crafts.

1:40:06That's just don't be mean. Don't be mean. Right. Saying, oh, does Jerry need to make a poopy? that's understandable I think right everyone? I think there's levels. Yeah I think the word has been twisted to the point where like now when it's used I'm like how real is, how valid is putting that word on it? Let's get into that. Yeah. I've got one last one for you. Okay. We'll see what you think about this one. It's coming from Am I the Asshole titled Am I the Asshole for spending all day on the lake. Throw away, my girlfriend knows my main account. I, 26 male, have been with my girlfriend, 25 female, for about two years.

1:40:48Last week, I invited her to come camping with me near a lake. It's a really nice lake, and I've been wanting to take the canoe out on it for a while. My girlfriend can't swim and doesn't like the water, but I figured she could spend the day at the site and relax with her book. The first morning, I asked her if she wanted to come out on the water? And she said no. And I said, okay, you're lost. And I started loading up the boat by myself. She asked how long it'd be gone. And I just said, not sure. Depends how it feels out there, which I thought was the end of it. I ended up being out there for around five hours.

1:41:25It was genuinely so nice out there, super quiet, and the weather was fantastic. I paddled around to this little inlet on the far side of the lake, and I just sat there for a while enjoying the scenery and reading a bit, and I just lost track of time completely. When I got back, she was sitting on the dock, and she looked upset. She said she'd been alone all day in the middle of nowhere with no cell service and no way to reach me. I told her that's exactly why I go out there on the water. That's why I brought you out here, babe. to actually disconnect for once and that if she wanted company, she could have just worn a life jacket and been perfectly safe.

1:42:05It's not like the lake is even that deep near the shore. The rest of the trip was really weird after that, and it felt like I wasn't allowed to go out on the lake anymore, which was one of my big reasons for going camping in the first place. She says that she was worried that something had happened to me. I suppose I could have come back sooner, but I probably would have just gone out soon after. She does know that I've gone canoeing before so I feel like she should have trusted that I was fine. Am I the asshole? Communication. Like that's it's if you wanted to go out on the lake for a long time it's just communicating with your partner because then it's like do you want to be out here for five hours?

1:42:48Yeah. If you didn't know you were going to be five hours you could say hey like if I want to be out longer. I'll come back. I'll let you know. We can then decide, you know, what you want to do if you want to go back, if you want to join me this time. But like do a little check in. I think it's really just like stranding your partner against their will. No self-service. No self-service. She can't swim. So then blaming her discomfort is not fair either. No. If she does not know how to swim, it's honestly, it's not safe for her to go canoeing across the lake. Right. And then I always hate the thing of putting it on the partner of like, well, you could have done this and then you would have if you wanted something to do you should have just done it yeah that's not a solution that's you again putting it on them so yeah i think communication checking back in or like choosing an activity that you both can enjoy equally that go camping with some buddies yeah like maybe this wasn't your activity or hey like let's go camping this would be a great time for me to teach you how to swim you just said it's shallow near the shore right let's start learning doggy paddle how to float treading water like teach her how to swim you've been together for two years yeah if camping canoeing and being around water is a big priority for you seeming like it is 100 teach her how to swim right and if she's truly not interested doesn't want to learn how to swim cool camp with friends right yeah and join a club like the big on joining the club please i also feel like the the whole argument of like i'm obviously safe i've done this before that will never calm the mind of someone that loves and cares about you because everyone who's ever accidentally died on a canoe has said that they knew what they were doing and that they would be safe like that's how it happens right um so i don't i think it's a bunch of non-ungrounded uh rebuttals to to her argument i don't think they stick they're not appropriate yeah this would this would really bug me if I was her.

1:44:43And I think lack of consideration. I think it is kind of going back. Like, is it an ick or an overall lack of respect? Yeah. And that's, I think, where it's appropriate to, I think sometimes the word ick could be an overreaction. Sometimes it could be an underreaction. Like, I think that is more than I think what people would say is an ick. I think that's like a trait or an attribute to that person of like, do you respect your partner is the first thing in your mind when you're out there for four hours. Like, are you thinking about her? You're like, what is she doing right now? Is she empathetic?

1:45:13Is she tired? Is she worried? And if aren't, if those aren't thoughts that are coming across, I think that's more than an ick. That's, I think, immaturity or like an issue that needs to be addressed. You just kind of blew my mind a little bit, did I? Yeah, because I think that is such a great way to say it too, where it could be an underreaction. Yeah. And I think that's the best way to put it because a lot of times we get into these problems these situations and it's like I'm overreacting or your partner makes you feel like you're overreacting based on their reaction and you're like well I just kind of I got the ick and it's like it's this feeling of like them telling you to shut up and you're like oh that's such an ick it's like no no that's not an ick that's actually really that's a genuine issue right and it could be an underreaction it can diminish I think and so I think it's like a vice no people because I don't think they're I think it's just for lack of a better term for a lot of people and they don't know or they don't want to say like hey my partner may be verbally abusive they don't want to say that so they say like oh the way he talks to me is an ick so i think it's it's dangerous in both regards i think it was fun when it was coined and it was a way for mainly women uh and sometimes men to say like oh this is something my partner does that bothers me embarrassment or it was more playful from the start like i think it started It was like, oh, thinking about my partner sitting in the car waiting for it to warm up or whatever.

1:46:33Like, it's cute. It's playful. It's nothing, you know, it's nothing to take into serious consideration. But then I think it started treading into, oh, hey, he says these things and it really hurts my feelings. That's such an ick. Or, oh, he does crafts with me. That's such an ick. So I think it kind of blew itself out of proportion. No, the pendulum is swinging from two different sides. And honestly, I think you need to do a PSA about icks. I know. I think I do. I think like it really needs to be broken down because like I think again what you said of like an ick could be an underreaction and that is just like really clicking with me.

1:47:04Yeah. Because it is such a human thing to do to like give people the benefit of the doubt or like kind of like be the devil's advocate for them. And it's like no, no, no. He does love me. It's not that bad or this or that. But it's like oh he just told me to shut up. I just I got the ick. And it's like no, no, no, no, no. Like your spidey senses are tingling. Yeah. Glasses are coming off. It's not an ick. Like no it's genuine. Right. We might have to change the title. It's going to be interesting. I'm going to change the world. Everyone's going to get to the end of the episode. They're going to be like, you started off with something totally different, but then we arrived here.

1:47:34No, I think that's the point. I think it's good to have that journey of that. Absolutely amazing. And I also could be, I could be ignorant on like the true meaning of it. And I could be. Chime in, guys. This is why you chime in. You have in the comments. I think it's risky to put a definitive definition on something with such nuanced situations. And ever evolving. Such as like relationships. I have a very different relationship than I know a lot of people do. We've known each other for a very long time. So for me to speak on new relationships or, you know, especially in like the digital world of like online dating or age gap dating or queer dating, like I am taking my specific nuance situation and putting it on that.

1:48:12Yeah. So even everything I say here is a grain of salt. And always, always, always. That's the thing. It's like, that's why I think the term ick is tricky because it's putting such a defined label on such nuanced situations. No, I really, I really appreciate this. And again, I'm not sure what the title is going to be now. Ick or underreaction. I'm not sure. I know. You do need to do a PSA. Just say Ashby comes in blankets. I'm cool with that. Okay. Main description. First line. No, actually no description. Just that. I can give you a crazy thumbnail. Oh, we're going to get there. Right. So overall vote on this one to wrap us all up.

1:48:47Overall vote was asshole. I think just needs work. You're giving needs work. Okay. I'm giving needs work. I don't, I think. Soft, you're the asshole. Yeah, soft. Soft. You should have known better. Okay. Reddit has branded him asshole. Yeah, Reddit does that. Top comment. with only 634 upvotes right now. You're the asshole. You left her alone for five hours with no way of contacting you or anyone else. You told her it was her loss for not going on a canoe when you know that she cannot swim and does not like the water. Wearing a life jacket doesn't magically make a person suddenly able to swim.

1:49:31Do you even like your girlfriend? Next comment down. I'd like to add a canoe is not the way you convince someone who can't swim to go out on the water either. It is a very shaky vessel. Uh-huh. Yeah. They go on. You can't even place a foot in one without it feeling like it's going to tip. And they do tip. They do tip. And then you're underneath them and it just doesn't feel great. Some people just tip them for fun. That's like part of the sport. It is. They just could be flipping around in white water. I'm like, what are we doing? They splash each other with their little paddles. Like masochists.

1:49:59I don't understand it. Yeah. A lot of you're the asshole. You're the asshole. the okay your loss is very manipulative and snarky agreed that's all she wrote wow this was great I need to go on reddit more but I need to not look at my name stop looking at your name I don't have a subreddit or whatever like an r slash ashby yet you could make it I don't want to make it that's the thing I like seeking myself out when organically I'm talked about but I don't ever want to invite the internet to be like what do you guys think that's my biggest fear tell me a little bit about me no you've been an absolute pleasure to have i'm like i didn't know you were so like healed and healthy and just like yeah i mean you're very like you're tapped in thank you i've been in therapy for quite some time at a very young age um but part of that is like it's never done the work's never done never done you know never done no i absolutely loved having you i'd love to have you back.

1:51:02Thank you. Oh, please. Anytime. Where can people find you though? At Ashby, A-S-H-B-Y on Instagram, on TikTok, on YouTube and on Twitch and on Snapchat. Everywhere. And on threads. Kill me with a spoon. I'm on threads. All of Ashby's links will be in the description. Really easy to find. Go follow, subscribe, watch the content. Again, the Odyssey stuff is like, I'm just, I'm cackling. Like it's so funny. so funny but thank you that's all I got so until next time friends bye bye