In short
Child development and parenting strategies to raise “good humans,” build critical thinking, and prevent parental burnout, using Dr. Aliza Pressman’s five principles: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules/structure, and repair.
Guest
Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist with nearly two decades working with families and healthcare providers; host of the Raising Good Humans podcast; author of the New York Times bestselling Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans.
Key claims
A close, safe caregiver relationship is a major predictor of well-being and resilience. Parenting should be “all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.” Parents should co-regulate to help children distinguish real vs imagined threat; full self-regulation takes years (18–28). Rules and boundaries provide safety and predictability. Repair after disconnection strengthens relationships. Avoid “fixing” feelings; allow safe struggles to build resilience. Gentle parenting is fine if it includes limits; permissive parenting isn’t.
Notable examples
Redirecting an 11-month-old from a toilet by empathizing and setting safety limits; repeatedly redirecting away from hotel stairs; repairing after a parent disconnect (phone moment) with an apology or reconnection; toddler milk spill repair; apologizing without excuses. Parental burnout advice: model self-care (oxygen mask first), name affective state, and communicate “gas tank” levels between partners.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOJourney to Writing 'Good for You'
0:04 to 0:29
Dr. Pressman discusses her motivation behind writing her book and its importance for parents.
“but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be.”
Journey to Writing 'Good for You'
0:46 to 3:05
Dr. Pressman discusses her motivation behind writing her book and its importance for parents.
“I'm going to read your bio because it's the longest one I've written so far.”
Defining a 'Good Human'
3:05 to 6:36
Exploration of what it means to raise good humans and the values involved.
“And the things that make a difference, they move the needle in such a way that you're not going to change who your child is.”
Five Principles of Parenting
6:36 to 9:42
Dr. Pressman describes the five key principles for effective parenting.
“They don't necessarily know they're talking about relationships.”
Five Principles of Parenting
12:00 to 13:12
Dr. Pressman describes the five key principles for effective parenting.
“But one thing that should not take a backseat is your kitchen and the food that you eat and you feed your family.”
Five Principles of Parenting
13:15 to 13:30
Dr. Pressman describes the five key principles for effective parenting.
“That's everyplate.com slash podcast and use code 2PARENTS199 to get started.”
Executing Parenting Principles
13:30 to 14:00
Discussion on how to apply the five parenting principles in real-life situations.
“How are those principles executed in reality?”
Understanding Toddler Exploration
14:00 to 17:30
Learn how to empathize with toddlers' desires while ensuring their safety.
“does Tate ever want something that Tate can't have she wants um yeah food art you know mom or dad who are leaving the room right yeah she wants to stay awake she wants to crawl off the bed but that's not safe.”
The Power of Language and Communication
17:30 to 23:14
Discover the importance of talking to babies for language development and understanding.
“And people were like, I didn't even know we should be talking to our baby.”
The Importance of Repair in Relationships
23:14 to 28:06
Explore the significance of repairing disconnections in parent-child relationships.
“In this book, I tried to make it so the first half is like the science, the why.”
Show all 20 chapters
The Importance of Apologizing to Children
28:06 to 30:11
Learn why parents should apologize to their children and how it fosters accountability and love.
“An apology is I know what I did that might have startled you or hurt you or scared you or made you feel ignored or whatever it is.”
The Importance of Apologizing to Children
30:14 to 31:21
Learn why parents should apologize to their children and how it fosters accountability and love.
“Remember summertime as a kid, the freedom of nature, the opportunities born from freedom.”
Core Parenting Principles: Feelings vs. Behaviors
31:24 to 36:51
Explore the balance between validating children's feelings and managing their behaviors effectively.
“You've had so many interesting conversations.”
Addressing Parental Burnout
36:51 to 42:00
Gain insights on managing parental burnout and the importance of self-care.
“And it's just feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling.”
The Importance of Self-Care for Parents
42:00 to 46:20
Learn why prioritizing self-care is crucial for effective parenting.
“But mothers more than fathers give up the self-care in the service of martyring themselves to their kids.”
Honest Communication in Parenting
48:10 to 53:26
Understand the value of open communication about emotional states between parents.
“You're obviously touching out of the house there.”
Modeling Healthy Relationships for Kids
53:27 to 56:03
Explore how children's perceptions of relationships are shaped by their parents.
“to just name it and explain that to them does give them a gift.”
Understanding Emotions in Parenting
56:03 to 1:00:24
Learn the importance of expressing emotions authentically while parenting.
“And also, the limit is you never want your kids to think they have to take care of you or worry about you.”
Nurturing Different Temperaments
1:00:25 to 1:02:18
Discover how to nurture children based on their unique temperamental needs.
“And to tie a bow on things, it feels like the theme that we've learned is parenting.”
Prioritizing Self-Care for Parents
1:02:19 to 1:03:38
Understand how self-care impacts parenting and child behavior.
“Well, maybe there's only one thing that you're going to taste.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fruit Snacks. Back to school season can be tough on parents, but choosing a snack you and your kids can both get behind doesn't have to be. Stock up on Welch's Fruit Snacks, made with whole fruit, and now made with no artificial dyes. It's a snack kids already love, and one you can feel good about giving them. Go back to school with Welch's Fruit Snacks, now made with no artificial dyes. hear that that's now crispier mccrispy strips meeting creamy caesar sauce sounds extra crispy caesar sauce at mcdonald's for a limited time welcome back to another episode of two parents in a podcast today we are so excited because we've already been chatting um but we have dr Aliza Pressman with us today.
0:54I'm going to read your bio because it's the longest one I've written so far. She is a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of working with families and the healthcare providers who care for them. That's really cool, I think. She's the host of the Raising Good Humans podcast, and she's the author of the New York Times bestselling, good for you, Five Principles of Parenting, Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. Welcome. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming. We would tell you at this moment, typically, that we have a one-year-old, but you already know that. I do.
1:28To level set. We want to start with what... Do you want to start? Yeah. I would love to hear, given your background, what led you on your journey to writing this book? What was the why? What was the goal? Why do you think that parents and families need this help? So the why, I think there are two reasons why. The first is we know certain things. We don't know a lot, but there are certain things we do know have a huge impact on how humans thrive. I think the world makes us think that we know a lot more than we do. We can't say this is exactly how you do things perfectly and what you should say and this is the script.
2:26And if you do this, your kid's going to be perfect. Whatever perfect is not realistic or interesting. interesting. But I think the things we do know are pretty low lifts, and they make a huge difference. And I wanted to make sure that in the noise of the access we have is wonderful. We have a lot of information out there. Unfortunately, it's overwhelming, especially for parents, and it's hard to know what really matters. So I wanted to write a book and do work that that highlights what really matters so that parents don't get stuck focusing on the stuff that not only doesn't matter in the big picture, but makes you miserable and stressed out.
3:11So I think that's the why. And the things that make a difference, they move the needle in such a way that you're not going to change who your child is. That would be terrible if we were creating little robots. thoughts but the idea that there is research that there are certain things that we as parents can do that can make it so that our kids have a better shot at bouncing back in the face of adversity and setbacks and stress to me like I want to do that and I want to make sure that parents know what those things are so that they're less overwhelmed so that they feel more like oh I do have this.
3:52I'm not lost. And so inherently I think we can all generally agree we want to raise great humans. Yeah. My bar is lower. I say good. Yeah, great would be awesome. But great, if you could do great, Godspeed. Like define a good human. Oh, well. I guess you might not be able to define it. I can't. But I know that you know what it is and I know what it is and I think maybe inside of all of us we we we don't necessarily name what good human is but we know in our bones and so I think for each of us I actually avoid answering it not because I'm being lazy but because I want everybody to think about like the top three to five kind of values in your life maybe you discuss it amongst yourselves And then for me, that's like, you know, if I can raise and be a person who values and embodies these three to five things, I feel like I feel like that's it.
5:00And the rest is sort of noise. OK, that's cool. So it's an abstract definition. Yeah. I'm basically just saying you decide what matters to you. and that is what you know and like live by that as much as you can and that is what a good human is and my definition specific definition like would impose maybe my values which I have a weird job because it's it's easy to impose my values on other people and so I try not to I mean there are certain things that are universal like I think we all kind of feel like you should probably be at least lightly compassionate. Excuse me. So I would say you imagine what your values are, because it's none of my business.
5:49And then you combine that with these five principles, relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, repair. I do this so habitually. The book cover has a hand on it for five. And I don't know why, like every time I say them, I make the hand. But it's easy to remember relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, repair. And when you kind of adhere to those five principles more often than not, and you align them with your values and you take into account your child's temperament, who they are, you've got it. I mean, we can expand, but that's the gist. Yes, I'd love to. Well, like relationship, people talk a lot about relationship.
6:36They don't necessarily know they're talking about relationships. They might be talking about attachment. Like we in my field talk about attachment theory and attachment relationships. It's just having a close connected relationship. And we know that the biggest predictor of well-being, longevity, and resilience is having at least one close connected safe relationship with a caregiver, ideally a parent. And that that's such a massive protective factor. um, for everything that life throws at you. You can't control the things that life is going to throw at your kids, but you can control having a close relationship with them.
7:18Well, at least on your side. And then reflection is more, again, work on our part to think about like, what are my values? What do we as a couple experience as parents? What did, like, how were we parented? What do we associate with love? What do we associate with hard work and ethics and values? And what do we associate with discipline and all the things? And what does my kid need? You know, just paying attention, not want, but need. And then regulation is like self-regulation and co-regulation. Those are essentially like the capacity to manage your reactions when like the Starbucks barista gets it wrong.
8:05And people can be the most brilliant and the most successful in the world. But if they can't regulate themselves so that they can connect with other people and not be just terrible to be around, it's useless. And so regulation is a huge feature of a successful, I think, human. and it's like how you can have a good relationship with your partner, how you don't get fired, how you don't get kicked out of school. It's kind of a big deal. And the way you grow a regulation, like a regulatory process, like how you – basically how you distinguish between real and imagined threat because when you're feeling threatened, like a toddler might feel threatened that they wanted a red cup and they got a blue cup and they react like there's like something very dangerous happening in their life.
9:00That's just their very immature nervous system not being able to distinguish between like a bear chasing them and like a bad day. And so our job is to do what's called co-regulate and it grows your regulation and your capacity to self-regulate over time. But because young brains don't have that ability early on. It takes between 18 and 28 years to fully develop the brain enough to fully self-regulate. You need parents in your life who have that capacity so they can kind of lend their nervous system to you. And so that's why it's like a big principle. That's why it was worthy of being one of the five that influence positive development.
9:48And then rules, which are not super popular these days are really important. But structure. Structure is rules is just an R word because I wanted R words. But yeah, it's structure. It's discipline. It's boundaries. It's limits. It's the things that help us feel safe in the world because we like know what to expect. It makes sense. And we know that, you know, our parents have our backs. And that might sometimes mean that we're really annoyed because we wanted to like do something dangerous and they're not letting us but it's super important and then repair is just the most gorgeous research i'm so silly about research that i just called it gorgeous um i liked it resonated but it's so beautiful because we have so much research decades and decades on how when there's discord and like disruptions and connection that when you come back together it actually builds stronger relationships, which is true for couples as well.
10:49When you have a severed relationship and then you reunite, it's better, stronger. Yeah. Think of it like weightlifting. When you weightlift, you're doing tiny ruptures in your muscle so that you can then build stronger muscles. That's the repair part that's happening in your body. So we're not talking about the kind of discord that's like abusive. Of course. Okay. So it's just like the equivalent of it's not, you know, lifting something that's going to cause you to need surgery. It's just lifting enough that you're going to be sore the next day. And that when you come back and repair and reconnect, which is really what repair is, it's coming back together after you've kind of, you know, it's like when you get back on the sofa and you maybe start off a little annoyed with each other and then you're watching something funny and you remember that you love each other and you kind of get closer and hold hands, you just repaired and your relationship is like stronger for it because all of a sudden you think, oh yeah, I'm safe.
11:49Like, yes, I lost my cool or no, I didn't like how that felt. Or I felt like, you know, we weren't connecting for a little bit, but oh, I see we're fine. If time is money and money is time, then your kitchen is something that we really need to talk about because one thing you don't have to do is spend big bucks or tons of time in the kitchen to make delicious food at home and that's where every plate comes in you get restaurant level deliciousness week after week with recipes like crispy buffalo ranch chicken and cheesy mexican street corn hash you guys i'm salivating just thinking about it meals that get delivered to your door are truly a time saver especially with school getting back into the swing and the The busy schedules with summer ending, the busy schedules are back.
12:34But one thing that should not take a backseat is your kitchen and the food that you eat and you feed your family. So you'll spend less on these flavor packed homemade meals than you would on your normal groceries or at a restaurant. And if you're sick of cooking the same thing over and over, up your dinner game in 30 minutes or less with every plate's easy to follow recipes. Thanks to every plate's constantly rotating weekly recipes delivered right to your door. you'll always be asking what's for dinner and you'll have the best answer. So you guys, what are you waiting for? Dig into these flavor packed meals for your household that everyone will love.
13:08New customers can enjoy this special offer of only$1.99 a meal. Go to everyplate.com slash podcast and use code 2PARENTS199 to get started. That's everyplate.com slash podcast and use code 2PARENTS199 to get started. Applied as a discount in the first box, limited time only. How is that then executed? How are those principles executed in reality? Yeah. How do you encourage reflection? How do you encourage relationship repair, all of that? Okay. So I think you could look at it in small ways. Like when you're dealing with, we can use an example of something that's going on with your one-year-old just to that that might be a moment where your one-year-old is upset about something and they really want I don't know does your one what is your one-year-old's name does Tate ever want something that Tate can't have she wants um yeah food art you know mom or dad who are leaving the room right yeah she wants to stay awake she wants to crawl off the bed but that's not safe.
14:20You know, she wants to do a lot of things. She wants the trash can. She wants her hand in the toilet. Sure. Who doesn't? Right. She wants to do she wants to do a lot. Yeah. So it's very exciting to be an 11 month old and explore. Obviously, we would find it disgusting, but they find the world super exciting. And so if you have a close relationship with this beautiful human, then you can empathize and you could say like you really want to put your hand in that toilet now you have an 11 month old so you're going to want to use as few words as possible but you're kind of using more words than they can understand with body language that makes it make sense so you might say like hold her hand and say you want to touch the toilet but we can't it's not safe and you close the toilet top and so it seems and then you redirect and go do something else or you go find water that isn't disgusting.
15:17And so that's an alternative. And so what you're doing there is it seems minor, but these are little moments that happen over and over on repeat. You're basically saying, I see what you want. I get what you feel. I'm not going to let you do something dangerous and, you know, gross, but I'm going to help you figure out other things you can to. And all of that happens with love. And it happens over and over again. And it might seem like that's it. And the answer is, yeah, it's not that deep. It's not that complicated. It's complicated because we get sort of stuck in like, what do I do right now?
16:00Or getting annoyed or being overly like, you know, Tate, that's a toilet. Toilets seem really exciting. And I understand that you really want to touch this toilet, but toilet water is not clean. And so even though mommy loves you, mommy can't let you touch the toilet, that'd be too much. And so I think right now we get a little too far in that direction. Some people are on the other side of it where they're just like, I said, no, we're not touching the toilet, come over here. And so this is sort of a space between, and that's a very concrete example of just seeing what your child needs, reflecting in front of them.
16:39You're saying the words. You're going to, again, use simpler language when they're younger and you get more and more sophisticated as they get older. And over time, they learn when they want to do something that's not good for them or when they're about to lose it because they want something they can't have. They have in their body, like in their system, oh, right, I'm going to stop. I'm allowed to have these feelings. I need to redirect them. I need to do something that's better for me. I am loved. Like all those messages are there. And then you grow up into a pretty confident, capable person who, knows kind of how to do this but it starts really young with just all of these things in the water does that make sense or do you want more concrete examples I think that made sense I have one I want to ask you about to sort of like play it back to you so yesterday there's these stairs at the hotel and she kept crawling over to the stairs and so I just and I would redirect her yeah but I would just go over to and I talked to her a lot that's what sort of took off in my motherhood content journey were these videos where I would have her face beside me and I would be talking to her about my day or about one of my friends.
17:59And people were like, I didn't even know we should be talking to our baby. So important. But what I then realized, and there were times where I do kind of think, you know, she would kind of like nod and it was pretty cute. But when it comes to these real life moments where she crawls to the stairs, I crouch down by her and I'll say like, we can't go down these stairs because you're not big enough yet. But one day you'll be able to go down and Maybe we'll even back down. But right now we can't. And then I'll pick her up and I'll take her somewhere else. So I'll do a redirect because I saw that.
18:26But then she crawls back over to them. Is that okay? Then we just keep redirecting? Yeah. So you mentioned like five amazing things for child development. First of all, your sports casting. Like when you were saying you're talking about your friend or your day or what you're doing. This is how kids learn language. Babies don't have expressive language yet. But they learn what's called receptive language when we explain everything and we sportscast our day. And also it gets you through a very long day. It's the best. When I'm at the store, I'll just tell her, like, this is what we're getting. Exactly.
18:59Otherwise it's a little awkward. And that is how they learn. So it's really important. And there are a lot of studies that kids who are exposed to that kind of language have much stronger language development later. So you want to have those back and forth interactions. And they are. Like you said, she's responding to you. She can't like say like, oh, yeah, I was totally thinking the same thing. But that is exactly and that is back and forth interactions. And those interactions teach you what conversations are supposed to be like and that you are, you know, you're seen and paid attention to. Now, the other thing that you mentioned is you let her know, like, why she can't go down the stairs.
19:36So you're not just saying no, you're saying why. And that is a huge thing for kids because when we don't tell them the reason behind our no, they don't know what to trust and believe. And it starts to have no weight. And what you get when you have, like, because I said so, parenting, you get really good liars. that's that's important like if you both I don't know how you were raised I'm sure your parents were wonderful but if you or anyone you know had parents that were like I'm going to tell you what you're going to do and it's going to be because I said so or you're going to get in trouble I guarantee you you know how to get away with things and do things you're not not doing it you're just like sneakier.
20:24And so telling the why behind the no is giving your very young child opportunities to learn that there's a reason why you make these rules. You're not just arbitrarily trying to control them. They're actually backed by keeping these ideas of keeping them safe and all the things that are important that you're sharing over the years. So now you also are saying, this doesn't have to ruin your day. Let's go over here. You're teaching something with regulation because you're showing a redirection. Now, if she keeps going back then at a certain point, you're like, okay, no, stop. We've already gone over this.
21:05And you just keep on moving away from there. Or you might say, this is not an area that is particularly safe for this kid at this point in her development. So we're going into another room or we're putting a gate up. it reminds me of whenever I was in high school and I had a curfew instead of just you have to be home by midnight because I said so I remember my dad used to always say you'd be home by midnight because I'm telling you girl nothing good ever after midnight and it would ring true in my head so instead of being just so mad I had to be home at midnight when some of my friends had to do one I have this thought in my head that after midnight it's just it's just mischief out there yeah and But had it just been because I said so, I do think that I would just become a really good liar.
21:48Yeah. I would come home at midnight and then I'd be going back out my window. And you sneak right back out. That's right. At one. You know, and so I do, I like that you become a good liar if it's just because I said so. It's like, well, why? There's no reason. There's no reason. So I'm going to keep on. And you want kids to be able to make good decisions if you aren't available to tell them. So the only way they can do that is if over the years, many, many, many years, they were told specific reasons for things so they learn critical thinking so they can make good choices later. So basically where we're at on the five principles is like thinking about them as like a general mindset to bring into day-to-day parenting and to look at your relationship, how you're reflecting on the situation, your regulation, your rules and repair.
22:38And as a general mindset, sometimes all five principles will apply. And sometimes one or two. Exactly. Sometimes one or two. but um and you know as the situations you spoke the way i i like learn as a person i kind of need to like always brings things into summation so yeah did um is that am i thinking about that the right way yeah i mean in the book i basically separate it and by the way we don't have to talk about the book because that some people learn from books some people learn from talking some people learn from podcasts some people learn from their parents some people just like everybody consumes information differently.
23:14In this book, I tried to make it so the first half is like the science, the why. And the second part is the how. And so I did developmental examples. If you have an infant, if you have a toddler, if you have a preschooler, if you have a school age, if you have tween. And then I would say in parentheses around the situation, whether it was reflection or rules or repair or whatever so that eventually you're fluent. You're like, oh, this is how I would respond here. Yeah. And it just becomes part of your day. You don't need to really think so much about it. Okay. Makes a lot of sense. Do we want to do one example of a principle and what where parents do best versus where parents do wrong?
24:00Do we think that would land? Yeah. And could you do it for a below five-year-old? Below five-year-old. Okay. so a below five-year-old example um what's the most important of the five principles to you relationship well relationship okay or repair i think there's no can we do repair and the reason why is i feel like relationship is and please tell me if i'm dead dead wrong but i feel like relationship you say dead dead wrong I was going to say dead ass wrong, but I don't know why I maybe convinced myself that I don't swear anymore. But I feel like relationship may come more natural to people versus handling repair and conflict, which is something that we talk a lot about and I'm very proud of our conflict resolution.
24:57But we put a lot of work into it. So I'd love to do it. Yeah, let's do a repair. And I think relationships in the absence of repair are not good relationships. So if you think of like a toddler, let's say your toddler spilled. I mean, this is so silly, but your toddler spills milk and you are tired and you have 25 things going on. and you say, damn, you know, or by the way, that was so mild. Let's say you do something crazy. Like you say, damn, and your toddler looks startled. A moment or let's say you're looking at your phone. And so this isn't like a fight. It's a disconnect. So you're looking at your phone and you don't realize that your toddler has been trying to show you something.
25:57and they're tugging at your leg and they're finally crying because they couldn't get your attention and you realize it and you put your phone down and a repair would be you might get down at eye level with them or pick them up and you might say you know daddy wasn't paying attention and you wanted to talk I put my phone down I love you I'm sorry I wasn't looking or something as simple as that. And it just shows them, I saw what I did wrong. I disconnected. I'm coming back. Or you can use no words because they're like a two-year-old and you might notice, put your phone down and repair would be you make a silly joke and you have like a giggle with them or you scoop them up and twirl them or do something that you tend to do when you're being funny and silly together and your eyes lock and you laugh, that's repair.
26:48Anytime you reconnect after being disconnected, that's repair. Who's the girl married to Dax Shepard? Kristen Bell. I saw one day he posted a note she had left on the counter, which was to her kids. And she was like, hey, guys, mom got way too mad at you this morning. And I'm really sorry for that. I love you. Everyone have a good day or something. Is that a version of repair? Yeah. If you apologize. As long as they can read. Yeah. As long as they can read it. But apologizing. and saying mom overreacted and mom got too mad. Yeah. It is totally part of repair to be able to apologize as long as the apology doesn't give an excuse.
27:31Yeah. Like as long as the apology is like, and if you had behaved better or if you wouldn't, you know, ignore me all the time, I wouldn't have to yell. That's not an apology. So mom got really mad at you because you spilled the milk, but I told you we're not going to have milk in this room. Yeah, that's not repair. Okay, but just like as an adult, in an adult fight, if your partner comes to you and is like, you know, I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. That's not an apology. Or I'm sorry that I came home late again, but you make it so hard for me to come home because you're always nagging when I get home.
28:10And so I kind of was avoiding it. That's not an apology. Right. An apology is I know what I did that might have startled you or hurt you or scared you or made you feel ignored or whatever it is. I'm sorry. And here's what I'm going to do next time. Okay. That makes a lot of sense. I love that. It's funny. I want the right words to come out here, but when you say it, it sounds so obvious. But then without you saying it, I see how a parent naturally just wouldn't think of, you know what moment I actually need to, you know, I know how I would repair, uh, like a, uh, uh, romantic relationship or business relationship.
28:54Like, am I making the necessary adjustments for my infant or toddler? And what does that look like to them? Um, and so, or the thought that mom and dad do no wrong. Like you, I am just your authoritative figure. Therefore, I don't really need to apologize to you. You just have to do what I say. But this idea of apologizing, I think, is really important. For sure. Because it gives us accountability and it teaches our kids like, oh, people make mistakes. Even the perfect people that are my parents that I love, that I worship. And when people make mistakes, they're still lovable. And that means that I get to make mistakes and still be lovable.
29:33So it's actually also important because it shows that. And where it lands so hard is like we talk so much as a couple about owning our mistakes and self-reflection on personal improvements, improvements in our relationship with friends, family, business, so on and so forth. And so to really just like take that mindset and take those principles and make sure they're happening at the earliest stages, you really see the importance of. This message is sponsored by Greenlight. Remember summertime as a kid, the freedom of nature, the opportunities born from freedom. You could ride your bike as long as you wanted.
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30:55I absolutely love this. Greenlight is an easy, convenient way for parents to raise financially smart kids and families to navigate life together. Maybe that's why millions of parents trust and love learning about money on Greenlight, the number one family finance and safety app. Don't wait to teach your kids real world money skills. Start your risk-free Greenlight trial today at greenlight.com slash two parents. That's greenlight.com slash two parents to get started. Greenlight.com slash two parents. You sit in so many interesting seats. You've had so many interesting conversations. And so, yeah, I think a really interesting kind of direction to go here now is like bringing that all together, kind of running through a few different questions.
Read the full transcript
31:38Great. What is the best parenting advice that you've ever heard? So I think you can simplify parenting in this sentence. All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not. And if you can, it makes it really easy to manage every moment. And frankly, I think it's true in your adult interactions as well. Right? I was going to say she taught me this. She literally taught. But it's your example of, I think you were having this conversation with Mel, where if the kid stole the car and went out, that's not acceptable. But the feeling underneath, like, why did you do that? That's always welcome in this house.
32:29And you can tell us that. Yes. It's so protective. I mean, I don't know why I use the example of stealing the car. It was very extreme. I remembered it. But you remembered it. So maybe it's good to use that example. But if you think about it, if you don't get to the bottom of what, you know, somebody is feeling. And I know we're obsessed with feelings these days. And so I don't deny that maybe we overdo it sometimes. Yeah. And we can talk about that another day. But if your teenager steals the car because they're so upset they didn't get to go to the party and so they're like, screw it. I'm stealing the car.
33:07I'm going. That's not okay. But it's okay to say to them, I know why you did it. I understand. I understand why you're upset. You're allowed to be mad. It sucks not to get to go to parties like that. you felt left out you felt like you're going to be the only one you felt like you're missing an opportunity and also you're not using the car for a month or whatever it is right also you're grounded but you felt left out you felt left out and that makes sense like I'm not denying that that does and you were mad at me and you're allowed to be mad at me like I I think it's super important for partners and children and all humans to know that what goes on in their minds and bodies, like those feelings and thoughts are totally valid.
33:53How they act on those, and that's where regulation comes in, like what they do about them, that's, you know, a whole other story. But I know all of our kids are safer and better off and feel more worthy when they know that their parents feel like their feelings are welcome. Totally. And want to create a safe environment for them to communicate those feelings, hopefully before the action, which I feel like you have done for me. I'd also love to hear what is the biggest mistake that you see parents make that you would suggest we avoid or our listener avoid? Fixing feelings, like fixing instead of allowing.
34:43So like if there's a problem that leads to a hard feeling, our instinct is to get rid of that feeling, make that feeling better by fixing the problem. Whether it's you dropped your ice cream and so now you want to get the child more ice cream because you don't want them to be sad or if they didn't make it on the soccer team, you call the coach. All of those fixing it so that you don't have to experience your child's having a hard feeling takes away opportunities for safe struggles and safe struggles are how we build resilience and and so when they drop their ice cream yeah or they don't make the soccer team you're there with them because all feelings are welcome because all feelings are welcome and you're just saying I get that you are so sad and you are devastated and you're embarrassed that you didn't make the soccer team is that what you're saying and then you just allow that feeling yeah but you don't call the coach you don't take them shopping or something to make him feel better you just say we're going to sit here in this because this is real life because this is real life and later you could say if they're up for it you could say hey is there anything that you want to work on like what are your what do you want to do instead or do you want to work on your i'm so not an athlete i'm like what would you work on play tennis instead maybe do you want to play another sport do you want to work on your kicks do you kick and soccer you want to work on that um here's how i can help you but you're not fixing i love this and also holding the line that they can feel that way but that their actions those feelings don't justify uh the wrong those feelings don't justify actions that could inherently be bad right like poor sportsmanship or whatever exactly yeah And so we're helping them move forward from these things.
36:42We're sitting with them in the moment, but we're not fixing a situation so that they don't have safe struggles, see that they can survive them and grow resilience. And then it feels like where this like turns from kind of science to art is then, as you touched on before, which it sounds like we're very aligned on, not creating an environment where feelings can be weaponized. And it's just feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling. Because then you get in these situations where you have very unlikable people around you. Exactly. And that's where like it's that's where like this stuff in reality is hard.
37:25But hopefully you take enough time for yourself. You have the right community and support around you and and you can you can put these things into practice. What do you think about gentle parenting? I don't know why I just made that face. That was so rude. But I think the problem, first of all, gentle parenting, if it means being mindful, paying attention to what your child needs, being reflective, and then still holding appropriate limits and boundaries, then it's just authoritative parenting and it's great and go for it. If gentle parenting is permissive parenting, I promise you we know what that science says.
38:11It does not end where you want it to end. so I think it's because it's not a scientific thing it's like a more of a of an idea on social media and in the kind of culture there's not one definition of gentle parenting but if you're thinking of gentle parenting which has just no limits and boundaries or there's so much attention to the feelings that you sit in the soup of the feelings all the time so that you need to have a 20 minute conversation about going down the stairs or not going down the stairs, we have a problem. We have a very big problem. And I think that that has been a huge misunderstanding.
38:53Part of that is probably because it's an art and a science to your point. And so sometimes you need to be able to say like, all right, so I know that all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. How's this going to translate in this moment? How much time do I need to give to those feelings? Sometimes I'm going to give five minutes. Sometimes I'm going to give half a sentence. And that is an art. Yeah. I mean, totally. I'm with you there. There is no real definition, right? It's a bit of an abstract thing to pin on. But in theory, I'm with you. If it's clear parenting, great. If it's just an excuse to be.
39:31Then it becomes like, I'm not comfortable with your discomfort. so I have to constantly make sure that you're okay and not take into account anyone else in the room or the family or the world it's annoying I agree with that yeah and I can't handle your feelings yeah yeah um one thing I would also love to talk about that I think is very top of mind for Alex and I right right now is like we are in full-fledged grind mode between her business between my business and the topic of parental burnout. So obviously we're so early in our parenting journey, 11 months in, and there is so long to go, hopefully with many more babies.
40:20And so I'd love to hear anything, any advice you have for us on the topic. Well, I think it's a big topic considering the surgeon general, the former surgeon general, did an entire report on parental burnout. I think that is a big deal. Vivek Murthy, Dr. Vivek Murthy, set the alarm on parental stress because the burnout is real and parents are struggling. and the expectations for all the things that we're supposed to be able to do is pretty intense. And the lack of resources is pretty intense. And the only thing I can say is I work with and speak with many, many parents. And it is true. And the caregivers are experiencing burnout.
41:13And the healthcare providers are experiencing burnout. And so what can we do? First of all, we need to model better habits of self-care, not like bubble bath self-care, unless that is very helpful and then Godspeed. But that's the second time I've said Godspeed in this conversation. And I don't think I use that phrase usually. So it's very bizarre. So I think we need to take care of ourselves, put our oxygen masks on first because our kids need to see that that is, it's not noble to be stressed out, burned out and overwhelmed. It's not like cool. it's just we we did have an era where the thing to say was like I'm so busy I'm so tired I'm so stressed I haven't slept and that's like a badge of honor and I think we just need to move away from that as a badge of honor and be able to say I'm taking care of my mental health and my body so that I can take better care of the people I love and mothers more than fathers I would say I think we know this to be true.
42:23Maybe not in your case. I don't know. But mothers more than fathers give up the self-care in the service of martyring themselves to their kids. And it's not healthy. It's not good modeling. And it's not better parenting. But we have this idea that like if you are a martyr mom, that you're a better mom. So I think that is part of the conversation that needs to stop being cool. Glorifying busy is not – it used to be I'm so busy and people were really proud of that. And I think you're right. The pendulum is swinging back the other way where it's like we're all relatively busy. We don't need to talk about it so much.
43:09But taking care of yourself, especially when you're a mom, if I'm eating how I want to eat and if I, and the big one for us is if I do a little bit of movement. Movement, so important. Today was a 30-minute walk. But if I can get that in, I'm a better mom. I'm a better partner. I'm a better everything. But if I'm so exhausted and go, go, go in mom land, then I do. I lose myself and then I do find that the wheels fall off. So what you just said really resonates. I hope it does because I don't know that there isn't still a feeling of like I took a 30 minute walk. I'm selfish. Like I have so much to do.
43:48My child needs so much, so much work. How can I? That's a luxury. And it's not a luxury. We know it's not a luxury for health. We know it's not a luxury for mental health. We know it's a luxury and we need to model that for our kids. So I just want to make sure that that's super clear. It's true for men, too. I just meant it's like extra. I think what we've really woken up to is with the way that we want to raise our daughter. That's going to take a tremendous amount of focus, a tremendous amount of patience, a tremendous amount of regulation. And so how can we expect to give that attention, be relaxed and be and have our child be regulated if we don't have ourselves in check?
44:41Yes. And so I think that what both of us have collectively bought into, and I think today was a great example with her walk, is like what is inherently best for our daughter is we need to be dialed in ourselves as well. And if we are running on, if we don't have ourselves in check, that will eventually hurt her. Absolutely. And when you really believe that, which it sounds like you do, everybody is better off. And we also can say no more because we know that it's actually saying yes to this longer, bigger, this long game of health and support and regulation and all of it. this is also an era when you have young kids where you might not be able to do all of the things that you want to do and feel like you can function.
45:42Right. So you might have to give up something like the long drawn out, you know, like girls weekend or dinner, but you can go for a walk. and I think that is part of it too recognizing and finding people in your life who respect those boundaries and are like I get it this decade is a decade where we'll take what we can get and it's still soul feeding soul feeding a phrase that even makes sense you know what I mean and we can come back together I get plenty of time now with my friends and with my partner and with, I have like, I'm busy. I mean, don't get me wrong. But it's a different kind of busy because my kids are older.
46:31But there is a time, there's a decade, if not longer, where you're really in it. And it's usually when you're building your career as well. And it's hard. And so finding people in your life who feed you and believe and buy into how important this is and forgive you and give you grace, those are the people that you need to surround yourself with. Yeah. Mac and cheese is one of Harrison and I's favorite picks for comfort food. It is so nostalgic and it makes us feel like a kid again and we love to have it on Sunday nights. And that is why Goodles is the absolute best. Besides having the best branding, you guys, they have the best products.
47:11And one of them is these cups, okay? And you can take these cups on the go. All you have to do is add hot water and pop it in the microwave and then boom, you've got the most tastiest meal to take with you on the go. They are so easy and they are so convenient. I can't wait until Tate tries mac and cheese for the first time and we're gonna make sure it is Goodles. Right now, her daddy is absolutely obsessed with it and when you have the at-home boxes, they have a vegan recipe and it is to die for. So my lactose intolerant girlies out there, they've got you covered too. It's a low glycemic index food, which means it provides a steady energy instead of a carb crash.
47:45and on top of that it's kosher and clean label purity award certified which is what we care about and there's something for everyone with their amazing variety of flavors plus the vegan and the gluten-free options of course trust us you need some goodles mac and cheese in your life pick up goodles on your next shopping trip it's available nationwide at target and walmart plus many other grocery stores and retailers and don't forget the new single serve cups You're obviously touching out of the house there. I want to bring it back in the house. Yeah. Okay. Because I've noticed, and I don't know if this is like weird or awkward, but we've had a very, like one thing that's really been working for us right now on this note.
48:24I hope it's awkward. Is honest communication about where our gas tanks are. Yes. Great. And so last night before she went to bed, because like we were, it was getting late. we have a lot of stuff going on today right into a flight and she was just like i am like i'm at the the end here and like i need you uh to take the the lead tomorrow and i need to go for my workout and uh and take the lead off and funny enough off of monday i just didn't sleep like i I just could not sleep. And I was a zombie all day Tuesday. And I told her when I woke up Tuesday, I was like, I'm just, I'm like not really here.
49:12I need you to, I need you to carry the load. And so like, we've developed this element of like, of being honest about how we're feeling and not keeping score. And I think it's allowed us to like, now today she's clearly been dialed in and I bounced back really well on Tuesday. is it weird that I'm like giving us collectively flowers right now? No. Okay. I love that. I think the fact that you can acknowledge to each other where your tanks are, how full they are or how empty they are and respond and not, you know, try not to keep score. I mean, it's also, again, like you're modeling for your child.
49:55Yeah. Like over time, this is how this works. and it's so much more realistic and healthy than some unrealistic, idealized version of things that it's unsustainable. So I think that's great. And knowing when the other one can kind of pick up the slack. Also, naming that when your daughter gets older and your other, however many more you may or may not have. Hopefully four more. Four more? No, three more. Oh, okay. He wants four. Well, you want four total? No, five. I'm like, I can't. I don't. It's not computing. Well, there's robot babies now. So when she doesn't... There are robot babies in China.
50:42This is a topic on the pod this week. I don't know how it's going. It's going to unveil next year. At least today. Like the dogs? I don't know about the dogs. The robot dogs? They can carry... They can truly... They've replicated a womb. And for$14 ,000, which is cheaper than surrogacy, they can safely carry a baby. Well, we don't know how safely. But this is like live in China. I don't know much about this. It's like all of the press, Jules. I don't know what's going on here. It's a new thing. Well, maybe you'll have your robot baby for your fifth. But for the – I don't even know. That was so bizarre that I don't even know what I was about to say.
51:16I think it was setting example for her. Oh, setting example for her. That you – one thing that's really important when kids – Like if you come home and you're feeling this burnout, name it for your kids. It's called naming your affective state. And when you name your affective state, you are giving them such a gift because they don't have to guess what's going on for you. And kids have such intuition. And so if you try to pretend that you're doing great and that there isn't anything that's distracting you and you're in a fabulous mood but you're like moving the plate in an angry way, they're going to pick up on it.
51:57And they're going to probably misinterpret worse. They're going to imagine worse. So you're so much better off saying, I had a very hard day. It has nothing to do with you. I love you. I need to take a little shower or a walk in the park or whatever it is and daddy's going to cook dinner and you're you're making it clear it has nothing to do with your child this is just you know how to take care of yourself you can catch when you're having that kind of day and you can do the things you need to do to take care of yourself and then they don't have to think am I imagining this or is something wrong or what's going on it's it's so important now obviously 11 months is a bit early to be saying this.
52:42You're not burdening them with your, you know, psychological well-being or lack of well-being. You're just saying, you might notice that I'm a little on edge. I want you to know it's not in your imagination. I am. I had such a crummy day at work. I'm going to go for a run because I know that'll make me, you know, respond better at dinner or whatever. And that is so great. And you're doing that with each other now. And then later you'll do it with her and the other four plus robot. throw up babies. I love that you say that they're probably imagining worse because number one, like you're their safety area net.
53:17You're their version of comfort and so when you're in a bad mood, they might say, is it me? Yes. And your mind always goes to the worst things that can happen and so I think having the strength to just name it and explain that to them does give them a gift. And it... The repair component. It's really powerful. When things are... Don't go well. addressing them and coming together and not ignoring them. Yeah, if you don't address it, yeah. That's why when parents fight and I'll say that again. Oh my God. You're fine. You're totally, we've had so much worse. I wouldn't have noticed. Me either. Well, I'll point it out constantly.
53:55When parents fight, there is a habit of saying, let's take this in the other room. And so they'll start fighting or arguing in front of their kids. They'll go in the other room, finish. they probably do repair, but they forget to tell their kids because they think, oh, they won't notice. We shouldn't fight in front of our kids. But they didn't close the loop. And so the kid's imagination is going to potentially be that something really bad happened or there was a really bad fight when actually it was just a moment and you want to normalize those moments and that you come back together and repair and how you repaired.
54:31Yeah. I also, yeah, it's, What's really landing on that to me is just this whole concept of like being real and not pretending like things are perfect because then no one really knows what's going on. Yeah. Um, and, uh, yeah, I think it's, it's definitely, I think the good takeaway is I feel like it's pretty positively, positively reinforces a lot of what we're trying to do and what we're trying to, to improve in our relationship. Do kids pick up on parents, um, relationships if they're arguing, if they're fighting, you know, she's 11 months old right now, or if we're hugging or we're like, he's kissing you know on the forehead or something is she picking up oh yeah those are that is constant and so no pressure but yes they're watching and they're getting to know what love is and what love feels like and how it looks and what relationships are supposed to be like because we always come back home right like you whether your home was a safe place or it wasn't a safe place, it's where you naturally are inclined to go back to.
55:51And so if you watch a relationship that is healthy, you are more likely to be familiar with and expect a healthy relationship. Now, there's one thing that we talked about that I just want to make sure there's no misunderstanding. Being real is so important. And also, the limit is you never want your kids to think they have to take care of you or worry about you. So for example, if you're upset, It's okay to be upset in front of your kids. I can't tell you how many people have asked me, like, is it okay that I cried? My mom passed away or the dog died. Let's take something easier. And I cried and I think she was scared or worried about me.
56:31And the thing is, that's real. Like, it's appropriate to cry if you're sad about something. What you also want to make sure is that your child knows you know what to do when you're sad. And you know how to take care of you and them, whatever your feelings are. So that's the only caveat about being real. That makes a lot of sense. So I think to potentially put a bow on things, you sit in a lot of interesting rooms with very smart people. Is there anything we didn't talk about today that you think parents or parents-to-be would be helpful for them to hear? The one thing we didn't talk about, but people can explore this.
57:15There's really interesting research on this. I talk a lot about temperament with people because temperament informs so many of the things we're talking about. So temperament is kind of how you came out of the womb, how you respond to the environment in your natural state. And really, when I talk about this, I use my favorite metaphor, which is from a researcher named Tom Boyce about flowers. So there are obviously people are not categorized this simply. It's a spectrum. But for the purposes of this, orchids, dandelions, tulips. And you want to decide you're not changing the flower, right? Like your kid is going to be that flower.
58:01You can't change the seed. But how it grows depends on the sunlight, water and soil that you give it. So you need to know what flower you're working with so that you can really make sure that you're giving the right sunlight, water, and soil. And it's true for us too. So what is your – how sensitive are you to the environment? That's going to matter because some of your kids, you're going to be – some of these five, you're going to be like they can dust themselves off and be fine. And I don't need to work that hard. if you are a dandelion and you're going to kind of grow through the cracks of a sidewalk you of course need sunlight water and soil which would be the equivalent of a little love some appropriate limits and call it a day but if you're an orchid you if you've tried to raise an orchid which I have poorly.
59:01It's a stump. It does not thrive. But when you get it right, when you get that art of the right amount of sunlight, water, and soil, they are massive and beautiful and robust. So that's where you want to really pay attention. And who are you? So that you can also nurture yourself and your partner according to who they are not who you wish they were and you call that temperament that's temperament is understanding the subject which flower you have and what that flower needs in order to survive and to thrive and then acting accordingly yes because you're not changing the flower but you can have an impact on how it grows Makes complete sense.
59:48And if you wanted a rose. And you didn't get one. And you got an orchid. You raised that orchid. You raised that orchid. Because if you try and raise the orchid like a rose, it is not going to work out well for anybody. For anybody. That's a really great analogy. That is a theme that I feel like has been very consistent throughout our conversations and conversations with others that is perfectly captured by that metaphoric comparison. So I feel like that is probably a great way to end things. I agree. That's a really good place to end it. And to tie a bow on things, it feels like the theme that we've learned is parenting.
1:00:32And we just talked about it right to the tune of like you realizing what flower you have. You learning repair, right? You know, we joke a lot. Parenting is a big job. Well, it is because it feels like the overarching or underlying theme is your side of the street clean. Yeah. It's a mirror of you. And everyone always told me that motherhood will be a mirror of yourself. And I was like, what does that mean really? but it does mean if you had a bad day and you come home and you're acting out, right, you really have to get yourself in check. Yeah. And that is like we don't need to spend so much time with like what exactly do we do with the kids because when we deal with ourselves, we're doing both.
1:01:12We're doing good work for us and phenomenal work for our kids. That's like the biggest, yeah. And so that walk in the morning, prioritizing yourself, I do think will be really nice for our listener to understand that it's the opposite of mom guilt. It does alleviate that mom guilt. Your yoga class is important. You're then a better mom. Yes. And you're more regulated. You're more regulated. So then they can become more regulated. Because imagine someone's having a temper tantrum, but you went to the yoga class. So while she's tantruming, you're like, I'm going to take a breath and remind myself that she's safe.
1:01:50She's just real upset. And so I stay calm instead of spinning out. And then my nervous system helps her nervous system meet me where I am instead of the reverse of like, now you're upset. I'm going to get upset because you're upset. And now we're all more upset. and you're just and if you came if she was tantruming but you had missed the yoga class then you wouldn't be regulated because you would just be mad you didn't make time for yourself and it was on edge yeah you would be on edge and it would be it would be a compounding effect i think and if you don't have time then you do something even if it's in the shower you're like in the shower i'm gonna take five breaths in and five breaths out i'm gonna notice five things that I see, five things that I hear, five things that I taste.
1:02:43Well, maybe there's only one thing that you're going to taste. But it's like do tiny little things that can give you like a little bit of that yoga class because you just won't be able to regulate yourself when they're tantruming if you haven't taken care of yourself. And that's a good point too. It doesn't have to be the yoga class or the 30-minute walk. It can be five minutes during that time where you just set the timer and you say, I'm going to meditate. Yeah. For me. Yeah. That's really, that's really, it's, you're going to give a lot of people their power back. Yeah. No more guilt. I think it's actually, it's a gift.
1:03:18It's not at all something to feel guilty about. Yeah. Unless somebody takes advantage of it and is like, I'll see you next month. I'm going on a retreat. That's different. Like everything. Like everything. If you take it out of context and make it extreme, it's crappy on either end. You are just, you're a wealth of knowledge and we really only tapped, I think, 10 % of it. So either you're so knowledgeable or we're bad at extracting it. But nonetheless, thank you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. Thanks for listening to another episode of Two Parents in a Podcast, powered by Just Media House.
1:03:54If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to like, subscribe, comment, rate, and review. Stay connected on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Facebook at Two Parents in a Pod. Welcome to our home. Sorry it's so messy. New episodes every Thursday.
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From the publisher
This week on Two Parents & A Podcast, we sit down with Dr. Aliza Pressman (developmental psychologist, co-founder of Mount Sinai Parenting Center, host of the Raising Good Humans podcast & author of The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans).
From Dr. Aliza’s five core principles that every parent should know, to how to actually teach kids critical thinking, Aliza shares her science-backed advice for raising good humans in today’s world. We also dig into gentle parenting (and her honest take on it), the biggest mistake parents make, and what to do when you feel parental burnout creeping in.
If you’ve ever wondered how to raise thoughtful, resilient kids and stay sane in the process — this one’s for you :-)
LOVE YOU GUYS!
00:00:00 Welcome back to Two Parents & A Podcast!
00:00:15 Meet Dr. Aliza Pressman (developmental psychologist, author, mom & more!)
00:03:24 Dr. Aliza’s 5 Principles of Parenting explained
00:12:48 Putting the 5 principles into everyday parenting
00:30:45 Dr. Aliza’s #1 piece of parenting advice
00:33:45 The biggest mistake most parents make
00:36:56 Dr. Aliza’s honest take on gentle parenting
00:39:06 How to avoid parental burnout
00:47:27 Naming emotions & “closing the loop” with your kids
00:56:11 Understanding (and embracing) your child’s temperament
00:59:40 How taking care of yourself makes you a better parent
01:02:55 LOVE YOU GUYS!
#twoparentsandapod
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Website | https://www.draliza.com/
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