Healthy relationship habits for new parents, postpartum depression & kindergarten cutoffs

32:14I just don't want her to feel neglected. I think as long as, here's what I think shouldn't happen, basically. Mom or dad just walks in and just goes and picks up the kid and like walks off with the kid. I think that, I think we're probably getting a bit nuanced on it to use your word. But like overall, I think what this person is saying and we're supposed to avoid is just like, hi, Tate, pick up Tate, leave. And then it's like, wait, but hi, Dada. Right. So I think, I think even us being mindful of it is in the right direction. Okay. This next one is weekly check-ins. So this couple does weekly check-ins and I love these questions.

32:48Okay. Ready? Is there an area of resentment growing? How can I support you this week? What love language do you currently feel is lacking? What are ways I can be praying for you this week? What is something you are struggling with that you haven't shared. I love that one because I always feel like there's something that we maybe want to say, but we don't have a space to say it. What is one thing we can do to invest in our marriage this week? How are we doing at maintaining our three key marriage builder activities? And then you create three activities you don't want to let go of, which I think is a really cute idea.

33:24I think creating a check-in in general is a really good idea. yeah i i do too i think it like fits within the theme of of the first one which is making sure that you and and your partner have one-on-one time um you know it's funny like when i hear these things where my mind initially goes is like one makes so much sense but then two like how do we make it work for us and like once again like if we had like a formal checklist that we had to go through like we would never we just wouldn't and and i feel like relationships are are so fluid and changing so much but like what i am like but the importance of having you know a having a comfortable space to check in is critical and um and whether that's through something you've carved out whether that's through couples therapy whether that's through you know another way a couple does it like makes all the sense in in the world to me and kind of what i'm doing right now is just like pulse checking okay like what are they doing and are we doing it um one area where i want to give you though your flowers is when we go on these walks you always say so how are you doing and then i'll be like good and then you always say no how are you really doing and then you ask me questions like below the surface, like very detailed questions.

34:51Like, how are you feeling about work? How are you feeling about mom? Things like that. Yeah. But - Momming. How do I feel about momming? Is that what you say? What do you say? How do you feel about motherhood? I guess. Yeah. Well, what those questions are is they're very much reflective of the events of our week. so right it's not like i have a formal checklist it's like you know kind of being on that walk and looking at okay what are the main things on your plate this week that i can see are there any of those that you know you want to discuss or you need support are there any things on your plate that i'm not seeing that you want to bring up um or do we just want to walk and like have fun and a light conversation.

35:46But I got to say like, I think that might be routine for you. Maybe like conversations you've always had. That was very foreign to me. Like truly not just being like, how are you? And then I would be like, good, how are you? It's like, you will sit there and ask me these questions and it's forced me to, what has it forced me to do? Okay. I think I was always like moving really fast and not thinking about things on a deeper level. And you really caused me to stop and reflect and see like, is there something I need? You encouraged me to have tough conversations. I don't even want to call these tough conversations because to a lot of people, they might not seem tough.

36:25But to me, like stopping and thinking about how I feel is hard. Yes. It's all about just intentional living is the core theme. And I don't want it to come off as like, we go for these walks and I push these things. Oh, it's not pushing at all. Making sure that we have consistent areas where we can be intentional about what we bring up or what we don't bring up. And so that way we don't wake up with three months, six months, nine months, 12 months having passed. Us not bringing up something major in our life, resentment building. and our relationship and our family not being in a great place. So I think on that, I'm going to segue because I wrote down the four things that I think we do good.

37:14And then I think there's some areas that we can improve, right? I always want to improve. And I also want to celebrate the wins of what we're doing well. Yeah. This message is sponsored by Greenlight. Do you guys remember summertime as a kid? I do because I would go start a lemonade stand just so I could make enough money to be able to go to Build-A-Bear, which is where the Greenlight app comes in because with school out, summer is the perfect time to teach your kids real world money skills they'll use forever. Enter Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app made for families that help kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely.

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38:25That's greenlight.com slash two parents to get started. greenlight.com slash two parents. So one area that I think we do good is like ask, and this has happened post-bubber. This is something that I don't think existed beforehand. So I actually think it's like very applicable to this episode of parents. Ask for help and know that that will be heard. So I think like we, okay, so a recent shift we did, and we're always updating you guys on who's getting up in the middle of the night. It's back to Harrison because I came to him after Orange County when we were out in Newport and I said, I can't do it anymore.

39:00I need you to take over. And he's like, got it. And then just immediately. And so I think being able to come and say, Hey, I'm really struggling in this area and knowing it will be heard because I think for the first three months we struggled with that. I didn't realize I could ask for help. And so I would let the resentment build up and then I would take it out on you. And then I learned like, just ask because you, somebody said in here, and this isn't one of the ones I pulled, but they said they couldn't read your mind your partner couldn't read your mind before you had the baby and they can't read your mind now and so saying like hey i'm having a hard time with the night shift done yeah and i think one thing that you do such a good job at is the way in which you bring these things up and so like if you came at me and we're like i'm getting up in the middle of the night you're not doing anything like all of it's falling on me then like naturally that causes a person to go in like defensive mode versus being like hey as you know like i've been getting up and dealing with this and it's fully weighing on me and like i need help it's like you it's clear communication not attacking approaching it from a team perspective versus finger pointing and i feel like that approach mutually um has has led to handling a lot of things in a pretty smooth way okay so now i feel as though i need instead of us just sitting here saying things we do good i'm going to talk about the one area that we've got to improve love it and i'm going to tie in some of the things people said so one one trending topic in the in the chat was go to bed at the same time which i don't get that i would love to do this so so would i but our main area we need for improvement is once we get bubber down we a i've gone back to scrolling but we've ordered these bricks which is where it turns off your social media in your room which i'm excited about because i would rather journal like last night i did a full-blown shower and like dried my hair to distract me.

41:03But we're staying up later and we're scrolling. And it's like, instead of just sitting and like talking, I don't know, I know we can do better once she goes to bed. Yeah, I think that - And what's going on with the go to bed at the same time? Right now, I'm so pro this. I wish we did it. I think that right now what we're being hit with is like things are super busy. Yeah. And by the time she goes to bed, we both just like want to zonk out. Like our days are starting early. They're jam-packed. And so like where I struggle on this front is like on one end, you know, you kind of want to give yourself grace and just be able to say we're going to chill and zunk out.

41:46Is doom scrolling the best way to do it? Probably not. But like, you know, inherently we are human. So. But what about like, okay, we can sit and scroll in silence for 20 minutes and then phones go up and we got to hang out. yeah and that's why i think like honestly something like the brick i'm excited not an ad will be really helpful because like it just adds that accountability of like if it turns on every night at nine o 'clock then we just know yeah um and it will force us to find ways you know because like find other ways to decompress because i don't know if like nine o 'clock at night is the time for us to be like chatting and hanging especially relative to like what we've been talking about earlier this episode when i feel like we our relationship is very special we have so many of those moments that happen throughout the day but it's like all right what are other ways that we can relax past nine o 'clock that isn't doom scrolling but it's we've got to water our brain and like i know me if i read or journal before bed i'm better like i sleep better my next morning is better i know it's what this is where i'm the bad influence yes because i don't want to read a journal and so i'm the one who's going on my phone and i feel like that i feel like when one person's on the phone it has like a knock-on effect to the other person getting on the phone I noticed that like, this is actually a common theme with us.

43:23Like I'll notice that I'll be like, sometimes I'll look at my phone and I'll, then I'll look at you and be like, you're on your phone. Like, why are you on your phone? You go, cause you're on your phone. And then vice versa. I'll be on my phone back. Wait, why am I on my phone? Oh, cause she's on her phone and she's not talking to me. Right. So I do feel like I'm a, when it comes to bedtime, I feel like I'm a big, I'm a big culprit of pulling out the phone. And like, I'd actually love to hear from people like, what are things they do at 830 or 9 that is calming, relaxing and entertaining that isn't phone time and isn't reading?

43:55Because like, I just don't really want to. But even a show, I think is better than just doom scrolling. But I want to, I know, I know my solve is I'm going to get a book. I love a book. My attention is so bad right now that like I can't even watch a show without being on my phone. Air set. I'm the same way. So proud of you for saying it out loud. Good job, guys. I noticed though like I watched a show with my friend the other day and they started making TV for us. Like they cut every 10 seconds. Yep. It's like very jump cutty. Very TikTok algo. I do I'm doing so much like what sorry can you actually build on that like what Alex just said it it cuts to b-roll to someone else talking switches the camera angle every 10 seconds happy Gilmore was doing it yeah happy Gilmore we were talking about it on happy Gilmore we were saying like is it just me or is it happening and it's so that people like us that can't watch tv will actually pay attention and the reason I noticed it was because we had tate in the room and so I thought if this was the old Happy Gilmore I would let her watch it because they didn't do that back then but we had Tate just sitting beside us and we ended up spinning her around because I was like this is it's this is created like a TikTok algorithm interesting it was so jump cutty well it's not working on me because I find my favorite way to watch tv right now is like

45:30um how i just wish it was faster but as i said but like is doing design for the house on chat gbt and then like as it loads because it takes forever to load i like kind of check in with the show but then that takes too long and i get forward the show so i end up going on my phone i mean okay i'm gonna bring it back to what's going on with this go to bed at the same time I was Googling it. So it provides enhanced emotional closeness and intimacy, shared sleep routine, physical closeness, intimate moments, apparently better sleep quality. Oh, being in bed with a loved one can create a sense of security and reduce stress and anxiety.

46:09Okay. So this is where I think this is what I think is the catch. We're both in bed at the same time. It's just a matter if you stay up later i think on your laptop so i think what this is saying is like if you were up around the house is what i think they're getting at by go to bed at the same time or they mean actually like turn out the lights and go to bed at the same time because multiple people said it they were like go to bed at the same time oh yeah i'd never like thought about it but in theory it makes a lot of sense to me like you go to bed at the same time you're on this like you get the benefits that Jules mentioned and also like you're you can line up your routines better like you're both feeling good at 7 a.m or 8 a.m or 6 a.m that's what I think is big um I feel like we're not doing I feel like we're doing a lot of talk about us and not a lot of talking about like what other people do well is that fair well okay so this girl said this she said don't keep score you're all on the same team keep the baby alive lol and i love the idea of don't keep score i love that she said that yeah you do an awesome job with this like you really do an awesome job with this um i think that keeping score is a slippery slope and then you end up like okay why do i hate keeping score it's a slippery slope and then you end up doing things for points yes and that to me is like a miserable way to live totally totally and then once one person does it it creates a dynamic of the other person doing it and um like yeah i i i gotta i gotta make sure you have your flowers on this i feel like your your approach when your approach is never me versus you when it comes to these things and i think the waking up in the middle of night was a great example of that okay i've got another one for you from from them this one's good i want to know what you think about it so i actually am guilty of this one okay and i catch it sometimes don't talk to your partner through your baby it can come off as passive aggressive example maybe daddy wants to change your diaper i'll do that sometimes i'll be like oh you know your dad is gonna take you upstairs yeah you i don't even realize i'm just doing like i kind of thought it was a cute thing in in you you do it in such a light manner that i could see how like if we were having a like a high stress day and you did it how how that could be triggering but that's not something i've ever i've ever really noticed and i find that the only like as you as i kind of do think about it a little deeper like the only times you would do it are generally around the roles that I actually do do, which is like more of the diaper stuff.

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50:25And I think it's very important because it's about postpartum depression. And I know I had it and I know a lot of people had it. So I'll just read the question. Okay, can you talk about any and everything related to how your relationship has been impacted by experiencing postpartum depression? For sure the biggest unexpected challenge we've had to navigate. So I had postpartum depression the first like three months I would say on and off. And I remember when it hit, I don't remember the exact timeline, but I remember when it hit, I was like, oh, because I didn't have it the first like three, four weeks, call it.

50:59And then it hit. And I was like, I thought I was in the clear and I guess it can come at any time. One area where I thought you did such a good job, and I don't even think you knew you did it, was you didn't ask me to explain how I was feeling. You just accepted it fact when I came to you and I said, hey, I'm having really bad postpartum depression. All I felt was flat. I remember I felt flat and I was explaining it to you and you were just like, I'm here for you. I got us. And you didn't ask me like, well, what does it feel like? Well, how long do you think it'll last? You didn't ask me any questions around that.

51:32You just accepted it. And so I would say in terms of the relationship, Harrison put the team on his back and was really sweet to me. And because I had ups and downs. Like I remember there was times I would just cry and I would say, I don't even know why I'm crying. You know, and I was scared too. I was like, I don't know how long this is going to last. And I think, oh, do you know where I think also helped? Your mom and your sister. They talked to us about it and they said, just prep in case it comes. And I remember that was very helpful. So I actually want to give a lot of kudos to them of just saying, you never know.

52:15And if it does come, no problem. And so I think our relationship was in a better position because we had a heads up that it could come. And if it came, they did a really good job saying, no problem if it comes, just be prepared. And I was like, oh. Obviously the heads up from my mom and sister is helpful. I found that talking to a bunch of different friends about their experience, or not a bunch, but a few different friends. and if you i guess to get more specific i probably spoke before take came to three to four friends and those three to four friends their partners postpartum journeys were so different and the key learning i had from those discussions was you can't plan for a specific path and the best thing to do as a partner is look at your partner's needs and identify how best can you show up for them because

53:26this is not about you it is about them and they're going through a ton and so go in with an open perspective and do everything you can to support. And there'll be great days and there'll be tough days and you'll do some things right and I did a lot of things wrong. But I think the intent to support was always there. I mean, I felt it. and I think that I like that you said you know not everyone's journey is going to look the same because I couldn't have guessed what mine would look like right and the person that wrote this like we can't guess what theirs would look like I just I thought one area because I want to sort of answer the question of like our in terms of our relationship how did the postpartum depression affect it and for me I mean there were just moments where I would look at Harrison and be Like I feel nothing.

54:33Like it's like flat. It's the only way I can think of to describe it. Like I didn't know that was going to come, you know. And so I think just talking about it ahead of time of like this can hit. I don't know what it's going to look like if it does hit. And then when it did hit, just knowing that you were really there for me to lift up the stuff that I couldn't lift was really helpful. And this may be easier said than done. but I think I could only be there for you as a partner because of your communication which little I had which was just I remember there was that's what I said as easy as and so like your guidance on how you were feeling on what you needed was critical because as a partner you don't like you you kind of alluded to don't ask questions and there were times when you definitely I didn't want questions asked.

55:27But then there were times when it felt like you did want to talk through things. And so like, you just like, it all, I could like, your communication and your ability to do so, if possible, was that was very helpful. So to let me then figure out how I needed to show up. Well, what we ended up doing, this is good. I think this is important to talk about. What we ended up doing was deciding what was best for me because talking about it wasn't helpful and it was actually hurtful. So what we decided to do was all I had to say was I'm sad. Remember? Oh, yeah. That was the key word. It wasn't I have postpartum depression.

56:13It wasn't I'm having an off day. We landed on because those words were hard for me to say because I felt bad that I had it. I remember coming to you and I was sitting in the basement and there was tears streaming down my face. And I just looked at you and I said, I have postpartum depression. I think I have it. Like I was like, I just, I know I have it. And then we talked about it for a bit and landed on saying, I don't want to explain it to you. I don't want to talk a lot. I just want to be able to look at you and say, I'm sad. And then he would give me a big hug. And then you would always like, it's okay.

56:42I've got you from here. And then there are moments where I would look at him and say, I'm not sad. And that, remember that was the word, I'm sad. And that was, it was a very, it was a unique dynamic which I think happened probably quite a bit where I don't want to phrase for you but it's not like it was consistent no it was some days I felt better than ever it was different than Wednesday week 1 was different than week 7 every day was different but yes the sad word was very helpful and then backing into okay from there what do you want and is that a walk is that space is that it was never space food i always wanted you right there by me but not talking to me he's very sitting is that food is that a meal is that friends is that whatever exercise a lot of times it was a walk down at the stop sign and back and we would just do that and the three of us would go and that would help a little i remember yeah looking back on it oh it felt it was heartbreaking and i'm so proud of how you navigated the entire pregnancy journey and postpartum journey and what you're still doing today you are an unbelievable mother and caretaker but women in general like the postpartum hormones like to navigate it it's it's so tough and it's not a one size fits all you know and there were some days where i could be happy and then an hour later i could be so sad and it was like what but it's so real you know and all and then the reason you don't want to admit that you have postpartum depression is because you don't want to take away from the fact that you're also loving being a mom and like you're full of joy at the same time you're so flat it's so confusing yeah so confusing um no it's it's i'm incredibly proud of your entire journey thank you and anything you need for me thank you thank you i know well i i kind of like i know that i brought that one up because i wanted to talk about it but i also know that it puts you in a weird spot because you're like the supporting person in the role.

59:04And so it's like, I know you're like, you don't know what to say. And I get that. I get that. You're just like, I'm here to support you. And so I'll just, and I know the last thing you want to do is segue into things we DMed each other right now. So I'll do it. I'll do the segue. All righty. Also, thank you to the people in the moms chat because like these messages that they send are so helpful. Like it gives us so much context of things to talk about. Okay, so things we DMed or didn't DM but want to talk about.

59:38Hotel check-in and out times are so absurd. Because you got to check out at 11, but you can't check in until 3 or 4. What I DMed you was the biggest game in our country right now is checking into hotels at 4 p.m. and checking out at 11 a.m. and outside of dentists, I think that the hotel check-in, check-out time is definitely one of the biggest scams out there. And you don't notice it if you're there for a week, right? Because you do, you check in at four, it's great, and then you get up and naturally you check out. But when you're there for one to two nights, it's just like you're not even paying for a full 24 hours.

1:00:22How is that allowed? It's not 24 hours. I get why they do it. I get what forces their hand in doing it and the turnaround and cleanup of rooms. Totally. That said, it feels like what a massive opportunity for a hotel that would come out there and say, check in at 4 p.m., check out at 3 p.m. We have our turn service dialed. We have our cleanup service dialed. It's like a Southwest cleanup crew turnaround time. They can turn around a plane better than anybody. Maybe leave. I'm sure that they can look at what the kind of average check-in, check-out desired times are and maybe leave some rooms vacant.

1:01:05And hopefully put the time. I'm not going to solve it on the pod, but put the time in, figure out how to do it. They could stack it. Massive differentiator. Massive opportunity for hotels. Because people that have flights at 6 a.m. are leaving. There's always going to be those people. So if everyone just selected like this is the time I'm going to arrive, this is the time I'm going to depart, then they could probably stack it some way to make it all work out for everybody. It would be a huge opportunity for hotels if they can figure that one out. And the way they get around it is on the website, it's not days.

1:01:39You don't buy a hotel room for days, you buy it for nights. Yeah. And it's like, okay, so it's$200 a night, not for 24 hours, you know. So it's really, yeah, it's tough. it's tough out there um okay what i dm'd you was gen z is no longer saying hello when they answer the phone they're just answering the phone and going right into exactly what they need which if we're doing like if we're if we're no jules hates it no i i think they're answering the phone and not saying anything so that you tell them what you need ultimate power move oh they're not saying harrison here they're just answering answering it and then you start going I mean if we were talking business hours and productivity it's highly efficient but how can you when someone answers can you hear that they answer kind of not if they're in a silent room that just feels so inefficient well because then you have to say can you hear me and it just feels rude and it feels I'm I'm just so not on board with this I think this is like like I think it's funny I'm fine with it I think I would love to watch it like if you have your airpods and you just click open phone calls already have enough like friction to them no i'm i'm i'm fully out on this i may be unlocking a separate discovery here which is what and i don't know if i'll see i think i've learned i'm gonna double check this with him so i you know speak to alex cost hours a day hours and what i may have recently discovered is I don't think he hangs up.

1:03:18I think he waits for me to hang up. Oh. And so what I wonder, are there certain people that just don't hang up and always wait for the other person to hang up? Totally. Because I hang up my calls. Do you hang up your calls? I'm a big hanger up of my call. No question. And if I can't hang up, I would say to my mom, like, can you hang up? I'll do that too. Does your mom not hang up? I'm the hanger upper. Of me and my mom. Because I have my phone in my hand. She, you know, maybe she's walking around. So this is the thing. Some people don't hang up the phone and wait for the other people to hang up the phone.

1:03:55Totally. So I need to talk to him about this. And ask, is he doing, like, is this an intentional? Like, does he just never hang up? He's probably just assuming you'll hang up. But what if no one ever hang? I just, like, the other day, I was like, I didn't hang up. But, like, we're still, like, you're still there? He's like, yep. And you're like, so are you going to hang up? Yeah, I think some people are hanging up and some people aren't. I think it probably comes from like the AirPod wireless headphones thing too because a lot of people aren't by their phones while they're on the phone. So yeah, they would rely on the other person to hang up.

1:04:28Very real. Well, do we have anything else? Because the doorbell is our deck guy. Oh my gosh, you got to go here and get like five minutes ago. I have a big deck project that I'm looking at taking on. You better go general contractor to your designers. Any deck experts. Tell them, thank you for listening. Thank you for listening. Okay, that's it, you guys. We love you guys, and we will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to another episode of Two Parents in a Podcast, powered by Just Media House. If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to like, subscribe, comment, rate, and review. Stay connected on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Facebook, at Two Parents in a Pod.

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1:05:11I just want to give you the space to process it, Michael said. Elena paused. I don't think I want to see anybody else. This is the love story of real hinge couple Elena and Michael, written and read by me, Raven Smith. Listen to the free audiobook now.