Preparing your child for a new sibling: before, first meeting & avoiding sibling rivalry (Dr. Becky)

32:45Right. Right. She's trying. And she's, and it's great in those moments. Mom has one, dad has one. Yeah. Right. Just say, you're trying to figure it out. That's what, she's trying, it's really so sophisticated. Do you eat the baby? No. Okay, do I have that? Maybe not. You have a fork. Do I need a fork? They're really trying to figure out the world. So I think, great, have a baby at your house. Have another little changing mat on the floor and you'll just see, I'm going to change the baby. What do you want to do? Do you want to change your baby? Do you want to get me a new diaper? And it sounds like she's going to tell you.

33:16She's going to know. And then she'll pick. Oh, that is the cutest thing ever. Everyone I know is talking about GLP ones, and it's probably the same for you. And if you're thinking about trying them, but you're like, I'm not into needles, then this ad will be for you, you guys, because this podcast is sponsored by Veracity. Welcome to an all-natural way to slim down, get energized, and sharpen your focus. Veracity is revolutionizing health by tackling the root cause of so many issues, which is metabolism. With Veracity's drug-free, clinically proven, and doctor-formulated solutions, you can support your body's needs to live your healthiest life.

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34:36Once again, that's B E R A C I T Y health.co for up to 65 % off and make sure you use our promo code to parents. So they know we sent you. Okay. What reactions from other children tend to alarm parents, but are totally normal. Yeah. I think the things that alarm parents are expressions of discomfort, of newness, of anger, which probably also even at that age covers confusion and hurt. And toddlers don't say, hey, I'm a little overwhelmed by this change in the family system. And I'm just not sure what else is going to change. And I'd love to talk it out. No, they like throw things and they hit things and they wake up in the middle of the night.

35:16And then they say things like, baby, back to hospital. But that's actually just their way of saying, like, this is a really big change. I'm not used to this. Now we're a family of four. I don't know what that's like. What is my place in it? And so I think if we can almost like you can pretend you're wearing glasses. And I don't know if you've heard this thing I just think is helpful in any relationship, even in a marriage. MGI. What is the most generous interpretation of my kids saying that? What is the most generous interpretation of saying, no, baby? What do you think it would be? Yeah, I can see it now.

35:54Bye-bye, baby. Yeah, bye-bye, baby. The most generous interpretation of that would probably be I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm sad. That's right. And I'm scared of what else might change. Yeah. That's exactly right. And things that are new always feel weird before they feel familiar. We can't expect our toddler for a new baby in the family for that to feel familiar too quickly. Right? Right. Because also I remember when my second, I had my third, and we had, you know, different family visiting for a while and someone left. And she said, like, baby going too? You know? And I was like, is that a question?

36:32Is that a wish? It's probably both. But actually this family member had been with us for a very long time. So the same amount of time as the baby. And so I get it. My kids are trying to figure out how the world works. Right. Is the baby seriously leaving or not? Yeah. Like, I don't know. Oh, and I think we have such adult associations to that. I think this is one of the things in general we do. We put our association as an adult into this very truly childlike moment where our kid's just trying to figure out how things work. And so I think most of the time parents have intense reactions to their kid's adjustment.

37:05It actually has more to do with the story we're telling ourselves about the behavior than it has to do with the behavior. Instead of just saying it's okay that they said it's okay. Of course this is hard. Moving on. Kind of. Or even saying, oh, you're wondering how long the baby's going to stay. And this is news to a lot of kids. Forever. And they're like, I'm sorry, what? You know? No one told me that. Right. Right? Or, yeah, it's tricky. Like a great line, it's tricky to be a big sister sometimes. It is. Totally. By the way, most adults I know who are a sister would still say it's tricky sometimes to be a big sister.

37:37They would. Sibling dynamics are amazing and tricky. You know? And so is this a good time for us to talk through different behaviors? Yeah. And then kind of run through, okay, is this expected behavior or is this behavior a cause for concern? Great. We have it. We have it. It's a game. Oh, I love it. It's red flag or normal when it comes to. I like cause for concern and I like expected behavior over normal. Okay. Red flag or expected behavior. She's giving me one compromise on the label. Yeah. Okay. Toddler ignores the baby. Is that normal? Normal. So I'm going to probably have a remarkably boring answers to all of this.

38:19I would imagine, but that's good though. Toddler asked to be carried more. So normal. This is actually a really good one to just double click on. Your toddler, all of us, by the way, have a part of us that wants to be independent and a part of us that enjoys the safety of dependence. That is actually the essence of a healthy relationship is that you can be independent and dependent kind of in the same body. Our toddlers are trying to figure that out while they're toddlers. So they're pretty young. And so we get so worried when they regress. And a lot of parents are like, I'm disgusted by it. Why is my even fiber?

38:52Why is the baby talk? Well, it makes sense. Now there's a baby and they're kind of wondering, do I only have to be a big kid? Can I still be a little kid? Which makes sense. And then ironically, we try to shut down the little kid behavior. Stop doing that. Stop. stop, which only actually increases the need to get those parts met, which increases the behavior. And then all of a sudden, people tell me, like, my five-year-old wants to wear diapers again, and they're crawling. Well, like, part of it is just allow it, right? Because she's going to wonder, can I still get picked up? Yes, she can. And so it's okay to kind of, quote, give in.

39:30And that actually is one of the things that's going to make her feel like it's okay to be dependent and all of us when we feel like it's safe to be dependent ironically that gives us the confidence to go be more independent that is so interesting so okay so this is the next one toddler starts talking like a baby again like I just want to say because I can talk a good game about this I find that so annoying I just do and baby talk yeah totally normal and like anything else in life sometimes the best thing to do is just actually meet it instead of trying to fight it. Goo goo ga ga. Oh goo goo ga ga.

40:09Like just and all of a sudden it takes the power away. Stop talking like a baby right. All that is gonna do is increase talking like a baby because she's trying again it's kind of not that different than wanting to be picked up. Through the baby talk MGI would say she's kind of wondering like can I still be a baby sometimes and our answer is like yeah you can well totally and i think mgi also on it for me what i was doing in my head was like she what is watching her baby brother and just wants to make sure that we're still going to be able to pick her up and love her like him like that's a little bit of jealousy i feel like maybe coming out which is fine exactly exactly it's so interesting so if so a very normal thing you're saying is for toddlers or five-year-olds to start acting like babies again when they have a new sibling but to not fight it to not be like we don't do that but to instead just kind of lean into it a little bit and that takes that removes the power well think about this if we go back to the second wife yeah okay so you guys are at a party now there's a second wife right but it's just the two of you do you think you're gonna be a little clingier yes and if he's like stop clinging to me you need to be the big wife you're gonna it's so it's just like counterproductive right like if that awful situation happened which i don't think it's gonna you know and your husband my husband's like yeah let's walk around the party together right that's actually what you need we can't hold hands okay yes and thank you it's fine and i think we do this thing as parents in general i do it too i call it the fast forward error where there's something happening today and i tell myself the story that it's going to be like this forever so i'm like cool my 10 year old's going to be like having baby talk so i can't have a 10 year old who does that right so i'm going to try to stop it now And then we respond today to our 18-month-old with all of our fear and anxiety about the next eight and a half years.

42:00We're not even responding to our kid anymore. We're just kind of trying to make ourselves feel better. Yes. Right? And so I know that's something I say to myself all the time. Fast forwarder. Hold on. It's April 2026. It's not April 2036. Parenting in a nutshell, though. Yeah, it is. We don't respond to the moment. I do start to be like, well, then she's going to not say please at school. That's right. And it's like, okay. And all the parents gonna think I'm a horrible parent and I missed my window for manners and then you're remembering like wait she's 18 months old she can hardly talk she's like yeah she knows her name hardly like literally yeah it's okay right come back to today and it's the best way of helping our kids grow is to actually try to figure out what's going on for them today and then figure out how to meet them there so yeah it's okay okay that makes me feel better okay um toddler says send the baby back we know we've learned that's normal unimpressed yeah original um okay this one toddler suddenly starts to want one parent yes so normal and again if you think about it again i've said some kind of a visual person so right now imagine this is like a new landscape so it was me and my parents and this like new kid and this kid is with this parent well i need to be with that parent or this kid is with that parent so i should be with the other parent like they're trying to figure out the configurations so i'll tell you a story when i had my third kid it was now my my third was probably i don't know six weeks old and we're trying to get a family picture for you know holiday cards whatever it was and my oldest who was actually a very like reasonable kid refused to be in the picture my five-year-old no no no right nothing's more frustrating you're like here's the m &ms do the things nothing worked it didn't matter he he was older so he could articulate this is what he says to me can we first have a picture of the original three oh

43:47but mgi on that is really sweet yes i think he was kind of saying like i'm not quite ready yet to i'm not ready for this family of five yet and at least i need to know that you remember when it was like the three of us right sometimes i think when we're in a fight with our husband we're like maybe we need time and it was like the original two yeah do you want to go a vacation just the two of us. That's what it is. Like do you remember that? I remember that right and and I'm so grateful at the time he was he was a pretty verbal kid like my other kids at that age probably just would have screamed the whole time.

44:17Right. But if I think about the kids who are screaming like maybe they're just saying too like can I have something around the original three do you remember that? Yeah I feel left out there's too many people here. Yes and so yeah kids are just trying to figure it out. They protest they don't want to be in the picture. They're with one parent there with the other parent again this is not forever right this is a moment this is a stage normal so normal okay and is it most the time that they see mom with the new baby so they start to prefer dad is is there any logic there or no it's different and it really depends on the kid and the temperament so if you already know with your kid like my kid has some healthy spite in them.

44:57Like some kids have that right from the start. One of my kids does. You know, that kid, you better bet, was going to dad. Right. If you have a kid who's a little bit more of like a pleaser, they want to like get it right, that kid probably is going to, you know, but it also, there's no exact rhyme or reason. It can actually be either. Okay. And I think when you're the non-preferred parent, just remember it's totally normal. It's a stage. Again, we tell ourselves this story we feel so rejected when actually our kids just trying to figure it out they're actually not it comes out as rejection to us but that's not the core thing the core thing is they're just trying to figure out this new family organization totally yeah okay now what should a parent do when both kids are crying and they can only respond to one at a time so okay the first thing i want to say here it's actually one of the most common things i get which another version of this is like, Dr.

45:50Becky, like my five-year-old is saying, you're never with me anymore. And my three-year-old has a Sharpie on my brand new wallpaper and my baby isn't even in the crib. Like, what do you do? And I'm like, I have no idea. Like, I just want to say like, there is no good answer to an impossible situation. Right. The only thing you can do some of the time is try not to add more fuel to the fire to make the fire last longer. But nobody has a fire extinguisher for those situations. I don't. so I think the thing I can be honest that I found myself saying which was remarkably calming when I would be in that situation with two because I same with when I was three three kids one mom right two kids one mom you want mom right now you want mom right now and then I'd be thinking like I would like my own mom yeah I like to be honest yeah like and nobody's getting what they want And I actually think it's like one of the most underutilized, almost quote, parenting strategies is just naming what's true without the fantasy that anybody has a solution.

46:56Okay. Right? It's just kind of like a hard work day. Like you want your boss to be like, today was really hard. Like that just helps to be like, good, I'm not crazy. Right. And so I think that's all you do. You want mom. You want mom. Everyone's unhappy. We're going to get through it together. And then what do you do? You take a deep breath if you can. and then I want to know if I say that in my house, it's not like, oh, magic, everyone stop crying. No, then the crying continues and I do my best and I'm holding my baby and I'm putting my arm around my toddler and I'm like, how many minutes until bedtime?

47:25And then I'm getting ready to text my friend in an hour being like, oh my God, that was such a shit show. Remind me that every day is not gonna be like this forever. And I pat myself in the back and I tell my kids I love them and that's the whole thing. If anyone says they have a better answer, I think they're a liar. Finding a therapist is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance, that's really hard, you guys. That's where most online therapy platforms fall short. Many don't work with insurances at all, which means you're stuck paying the full cost out of pocket or paying for an expensive monthly subscription.

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48:32Visit rula.com slash two parents to get started. That's R-U-L-A dot com slash two parents. You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. So you're saying, but you're saying there is no like method to like you pick up the, you leave the baby crying and you tend to the toddler. I mean, look, it just feels a little formulaic. Yeah, that's what it would be, yes. One of the things about a baby is that we forget. Like so many times our baby can be crying in the crib. And sometimes the best thing to do is step away. Sometimes you're like, I can't regulate myself. I'm about to freak out.

49:07You're not abandoning your baby. You're managing yourself for your baby, right? That's what I'd want my pilot to do. I'd be like, go back in the cockpit. Go back, do your thing. Like, even if I'm upset with the turbulence, like, I don't want you to just, like, sit here the whole time and abandon the cockpit. So, sure, put your baby down. And I'm a big fan of talking to your baby even when they don't understand. I just think they get that you're intending to communicate that there's someone worth that's valuable. Oh, I'm putting you down. I know you're upset. I'll be back. And then my toddler is a little bit more aware.

49:38Like, sure, I'm going to pick them up. Oh, this is so hard. You want me. And the baby. And that's the best it gets. Yeah, so maybe I'd try that. Okay. I'm a big narrator to the baby. Yes. Love to tell them. And I do think that. It really matters. I think it does. It really matters. That's actually a good thing to ask you. So you think, like I talk to the babies in the stomach, and then I talk to them when they come out. Yes. And you think, and I've heard from some speech, what are they called? speech pathologist yes yes i i've no you know like i don't have any brains right now um they say it really matters and it does affect their development yes and you think so too in multiple ways first of all we just know being exposed to language is really powerful for cognitive developments there's a ton of studies that establish that um but but i think about it also as i don't know like i i don't speak any language so i could pick any country but let's say i'm in japan i don't understand any japanese and i'm sitting in the lobby i just feel like i I would feel the difference between someone trying to communicate with me versus someone just like walking through the lobby, passing me by.

50:41Like as humans, I just think we get that. And I think there's something to babies feeling like they are someone worth the effort, worth the intention. And I'm sure you've seen that video. Have you seen that video about that amazing like dad and his son and they're babbling back and forth to each other? Nonsense. But the, I have to send this to you. It's so heartwarming. It's so clear that we're all obsessed with our baby's words. Communication and words are very different things. And babies start to learn to communicate, definitely not right away, but by these patterns, right? And so I often think we have to talk in general to our babies way before to kind of build up that idea of like, I am worth communicating too.

51:27I too can put things out there to the world. So no, I think we can be on different spectrums. Like I've heard parents hear this and I know every day they're like talking to their baby every second. I'm like, okay, we can also overcorrect. Like it's okay to chill too. A happy baby, like one of my best things I always say to parents about babies, when your baby is happy, don't do anything. You don't need to add a toy. You don't need to add a million words. Like just let them be in a 2026 world that's kind of the best thing just let them be totally but yeah like when your baby's in the chair looking at you hey i'm gonna go get my coffee now i'm gonna sit down i'm gonna write some emails you don't have to go crazy but yes it definitely really matters and you've got good inside baby yes which is coming out or is out yes so both in that it is officially available May 19th but we're doing all of this stuff before and so like our email's available I'm doing these two amazing totally free programs two of the most important sessions I think I ever did in my private practice all the time and I'm like you know what this should just be free education one is your first 24 hours home with your baby doesn't have to be a surprise oh massive you can see this theory that I have around remove the surprise and you do this before you have the baby ideally yes because i have a lot of people that will ask me we took a class yes and it was really helpful we learned to swaddle that was like our main takeaway yes and people will always ask me like what do i do so this tell them to come take it because it's a good resource i'm obsessed and so much of good inside baby is we all get so much stuff we by the way it's important to learn how to swaddle a hundred percent and we get the swaddles and we research the swaddles we have this huge registry but i've always thought like where's the emotional registry totally because to me a parent after they have a baby says I wish I was more emotionally prepared even if I had the wrong rocking chair but I had all the right stuff and my emotions were like all over the place but no one prepares us right and so if I think about the first 24 hours um like a journey think about a car ride you're on and there's a lot of twists and turns and imagine going without a map okay if you don't have ways every twist and turn you think I'm going the wrong way oh this is a problem other people have smoother roads.

53:37Okay. If you have a map, every time there's a twist and turn, you kind of say, wow, this is a twisty road, but I expected this. That is all the difference. So I think about this 24 hours thing as this is a map. They're very predictable moments. We keep letting women and men be completely surprised by completely predictable things that happen for every parent. This will take that away. And the other one is about partnership. This one is partnership after baby again what to expect how to tell yourself a different story about the very predictable hot spots because so much if you have a partner around your transition to a baby is like what just happened to my partnership like again the fast forward are we doomed and I really think so much of supporting a baby comes from supporting the two co-pilots in the in the cockpit totally and I love that you have the partner aspect to it too because like you don't people will ask me all the time I'm like, did you think Harrison was going to be a great dad?

54:30And I'm like, yeah, but I'm guessing. Right. Like, we've never had a baby. So, like, yeah, I thought he was going to be great. And you've exceeded my expectations. But a lot of people also think that, and it doesn't go that way. Like, you never. That's right. You just don't know what you're getting into. And so, yeah, I think the whole offering of Good Inside Baby, what we're so excited is just how different it is from what's out there. Because we believe that the best way to take care of a baby is to take care of the person holding the baby. And that doesn't mean the baby doesn't matter. but I think about parenting in terms of pilots and planes all the time.

54:59Think about being obsessed with passenger safety and never actually being obsessed with pilot safety. Right. It's a joke. Like, you literally can't take care of the passengers if you don't take care of the pilot. Right. And we live in a world where the pilots are basically told to run themselves into the ground. Can you imagine? I've been flying for four straight months, never taking a break. I'm sorry, I don't want you as my pilot. Right. Like, no. Right? And so our approach has lactation, we have sleep, we have feeding, baby care, and me taking care of the parent all together. And I think what's in the app is just so different.

55:33We also track things differently. Like people are obsessed with their baby tracker. We have that. We have a parent tracker for the things that really matter for your mental health also. Like what? What's an example? Like just simple things in the beginning. Did you have a glass of water sitting down? Did you take a shower? Did you step outside? we know psychologically the things you track are a communication to your brain about what matters so right away by the way we all like to track how long we're feeding and how many diapers but if you think about what that actually does to the parent is right away you're running yourself into the ground because your baby takes precedence over you so we always say like our tracker will make sure you don't lose track of yourself which really really matters that's nice that's really nice yeah that's like what i use him for right i'm like well my my biggest thing with baby number two and it was with baby number one is like if I'm up in the middle of the night feeding like I cannot go down the rabbit hole of my phone like this can't be near me or I lose it that's right and he started to notice with Tate my mental health like I would just wake up and he'd be like are you on your phone in the middle of night like yes for hours because it keeps me awake I know well let's just talk about your 2 a.m self with the baby because I always tell parents like your 2 a.m self is not your real self right it is your survival mode self so I tell parents you should have wherever you are at 2 a.m.

56:45or whatever the equivalent is, you have to have some post-its. Number one is I do not make life decisions at 2 a.m. You just don't. I do not make relationship decisions at 2 a.m. I don't decide what kind of parent I am at 2 a.m. Because our survival brain is all about threat. And so that's the only thing it's thinking about. And when you're early on, it's not like the mornings and daytimes are easier. They're still hard, but they're different than what you're starting to do at 2 a.m. And so kind of, again, knowing that's going to happen. And if you just know at 2 a.m., I'm probably going to be in a pretty dire kind of crazy place.

57:18At least you can say to yourself, they told me this was going to happen. And that totally changes the story you tell yourself. Yeah, that's that's really important. The post-it notes is a good idea. Yeah. Just little like reminders. Yeah. We're not doing we are not making any decisions. Not making life decisions. You know how many life decisions I was ready to make at 2 a.m.? None of them would have been good for me. No. I was ready to change everything about my life at 2 a.m. Correct. And I was also a horrible mom, and I was going to be a horrible mom forever. And I was never bonding with my baby.

57:46And it all feels so true at 2 a.m. It really, it does. Just my heart hurts. It feels so true. Our survival brain can be really convincing. And then you wake up at 10, and you're like, oh, that was weird. Then you do it all again. Yeah. And then I know it's a never-ending cycle. You too. So it's like, okay, so that, the good inside baby is a really good tool. So if you're listening, there you go. There it is. There you go. or to all of your questions about what classes do I take? Because I'm like, I don't know. We Googled one and like went to it. And I only remember one thing. It was not very good.

58:16It wasn't very good. So I'm like, I don't really recommend it. But like we did learn how to hold the baby. And all of this is in there too. Like you have a toddler. Like they're going to have tantrums or new sibling stuff. Like you see, sometimes it's like tiny little nuggets. And you're like, oh, that nugget is actually going to like make this road a little smoother. It takes 30 seconds. And that's it. I am glad to know like the tantrums will be normal. Acting like a baby. We're just going to lean into that. Like this isn't so, as you said, formulaic. I was going to ask though, because we didn't get anything that was a cause for concern.

58:46Is there? I mean, I honestly think the biggest causes for concern I have are the flags I'd have for a parent in the stage after. Like, look, we all know we're talking about these dark thoughts at 2 a.m. But when those stick and they're sticking all day and it's multiple days in a row, I think the biggest cause for concern I have is that. And then that gets turned around where I think we wait too long to say I need help. Or just the way I always phrase it to people is you need another member of your support team. Like I think we forget. This is crazy. When you have a baby, you have major surgery.

59:25How many people after major surgery, unrelated to have a baby, are you like I'm going to have major surgery and then also be up all night. and then be responsible for taking care of a human. Any other surgery, you'd say, what are you talking about? You need to rest. For a month. For a month. And have your hormones change like crazy. What? So I think we just, that's a Herculean thing that we do, right? And dads do it too, right? They have so many changes too. And so I think we just wait too long to say, yeah, I'm going to get another team member. So my biggest flag is it is not weakness to do that.

1:00:02I think so much of good parenting is trying to recognize earlier rather than later before everything's that much worse. Hey, I deserve a little bit more support. So that's often the biggest thing I try to look out for. Usually how our toddlers reacting is in the range of normal. I'm due with my second baby any day now, as you guys know. And so I know firsthand, figuring out your feeding journey can be stressful. And I've decided to give myself flexibility the second time around. So with my first, I did exclusively breast milk for the first six months and then switched to combo feeding. And with the second, I've already said I want to try 80-20 from the jump.

1:00:37I'm planning to combo feed my second and I'm proud to partner with Bobby who meets me exactly where I'm at in my journey. Bobby offers parents free lactation support. You guys, I love that. I love a formula company that's like, we're going to help you learn how to feed. They're just there for your feeding journey no matter what that looks like. They have expert-led feeding classes to keep your milk supply going and high-quality organic formulas you can trust without having to slow boat them over from Europe. Combo feeding with Bobby is going to be my perfect recipe, and I have to tell you guys, I cannot wait.

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1:01:45All Bobbi formulas are modeled after breast milk and made with certified organic non-GMO pesticide-free ingredients. So you can feel good about what goes into your baby's body. Bobby was named top choice by Consumer Reports after third-party testing for chemicals and heavy metals. It's trusted and loved by over 800 ,000 babies. If you want to feed with confidence too, head to highbobbie.com. That's highbobbie, B-O-B-B-I-E dot com. To find the formula trusted by parents and loved by their babies, 800 ,000 and counting. I think that's sweet of you to say. Like I had very bad postpartum depression and I hesitated to say it because I was like, I don't want anybody to think I'm not in a pure bliss and I don't love my baby.

1:02:27But like two things are true at the same time. Like I'm really struggling and like I feel flat, but this is the best time of my life. So I think that's important that you say that. Two things are true. Like I don't know, it's like, I would say there's these set of good inside principles. That's a principle, right? We have multiplicity in our mind. I can be so happy to be a mom and I can miss the spontaneity of brunch on a Sunday whenever I want. Like, I'm sorry, I'm not a crazy person who doesn't miss brunch, right? Like, I can be so excited to be a family of four and I'm going to have a moment of thinking, remember when it was just the two of us and Tate?

1:02:57Like, that doesn't mean I'm not happy. And so, yes, I think being able to kind of say that to ourselves, I can be a really capable parent. And so much of capability is recognizing when you need more support. So like those things can go hand in hand. Yeah, that's a big one. Recognizing the more support. We're trying to get ahead of that right now. Because people are telling us like, you know, one is one, two is 20. And we're like, okay, so better to have more help than not. Because it'll just, because we both work. So it's like we do need to have that. Do we want to go, do we want to move to questions from the audience?

1:03:32I think we should go forward looking sibling dynamics. Okay, let's do it. Because I think that these questions from the audiences have been answered in certain ways or another. and then maybe we throw one in at the end. I do think like include, we actually did answer them. You're correct. Okay. Okay. So forward-looking sibling dynamics. Yeah. What do parents do in the early days that can shape sibling dynamics long-term? So a couple things. First of all, so many times when siblings are really, really at each other, not like baby toddler, but as they get older, in some ways they're fighting each other, wondering, are you a threat to me getting my needs met?

1:04:12Meaning I need love and attention from my parents and they're not wrong. Like we're like my love is infinite. Like yeah but like our time isn't infinite. Our attention isn't infinite and kids aren't stupid. Like it's true. Having another sibling is a little bit of a threat. Totally. And so I think when we focus instead on them getting along at such a young age and thinking, I'm still going to give my kids alone time. I'm still going to do that. That actually can be the biggest gift for a sibling relationship because when they have more faith over time, I get my needs met. Now I can afford to look at my sibling as a friend and not an enemy.

1:04:49So I think the irony is the more you can actually pour some into your kids one-on-one, the more your kids actually have the space to be closer. Oh, that makes, yeah. So that's number one. number two I think and it comes from the best intentions but our obsession with fairness between siblings I think is one of the biggest things that lead to sibling rivalry okay is making everything with fairness making everything the same okay everything the same you have four pretzels you have four pretzels like I did three and a half books with you so I guess I'm randomly reading three and a half books with my other kid and and we communicate this you did three and a half books with me okay i'll do three and a half books with you but if you think about what's kind of happening underneath that is a kid is saying i'm trying to figure out how to get my needs met and i'm looking at my sibling to see what they get and then i'm trying to figure out how to get the same thing as them for me that's actually what sibling rivalry is built on is saying i need to have exactly what my sibling has to feel good that's not realistic versus just i want to make sure I'm understanding this versus accepting and embracing and almost celebrating what your sibling is getting.

1:06:03So that way you can then take pride in what you receive. Let me, let me give you an exact story because it really makes it clear. So I remember I was like, okay, I have, I think I just had, maybe my third was here at the time, but I was trying to give each of my kids a little bit of alone time. I know they still need that. And my daughter was aware that I had gone to the park with my son the other day when we were having alone time. And she was like, I want to go to the slide with you. I want to go on the slide with you. Okay. If I'm into fairness, I'd be like, okay, I went on the slide with your brother 20 times.

1:06:33I'll go with you 20 times. And you're going to see this when your kids get older. They're like, but her Cheerio is bigger than my Cheerio. And you're like breaking Cheerios. And you're like, what am I doing? Okay. But here's the interesting about my daughter. She doesn't like the slide. Like I know she doesn't even like the slide. And so if I'm making it fair, I'd be like, fine, I'm going to do that. But I said this to her, which I think the framework is when your kids are obsessed with fairness, instead of keeping that going, which just reinforces their obsession with always noticing everything the other one has.

1:07:06This is what I said to my daughter. You're right. Today we have a long time together. I'm so excited. Hold on. Are you telling me that what you want to do with our alone time is go down the slide together. I don't even like this slide. I was like, exactly. Thank you. She's like, I want to go to ice cream. I was like, great. And so actually what helps people get along in general is we don't want our kids to think, I get my needs met by getting every single exact thing someone else has. My friend has that water bottle. You have to get me that water bottle. My friend has a big house. You have to buy me a big house.

1:07:44That's literally a recipe for unhappiness your whole life. And it actually makes you more competitive with someone because you're being trained to always notice what everyone else has. And so when our kids start to get obsessed with fairness, which they will because they're trying to figure out how family systems work, I always call it kind of try to orient them back to themselves. And it seems silly, but it makes the biggest difference. I need to get a big banana, right? First of all, you might not have the same size banana. And when you're obsessed with fairness, you're literally like driving to the store, like measuring bananas.

1:08:16You are. It's crazy. But if you know actually the better thing is to say, whoa, you wish you had a bigger banana. Because I'm actually, it's not really about my sister. Like you're just kind of orienting them back to what's going on for them. And we don't have another big banana. It stinks to want a bigger one. I get it. I'm not going to the store. That stinks. I'm taking them out of the fairness, which is really the comparison mentality. and I'm actually coming back to them. And so I think the biggest idea is freedom not to be fair because actually what each of your kids end up needing usually isn't the same as what the others have.

1:08:53Right. They don't act. They don't. So it's like the adult version of keeping up with the Jones. Like that bigger house or that car that she got is not going to make you happy. So you have to look inward. You're just on the treadmill. Correct. Exactly. And so you're saying, okay, I get it. But explaining that to someone is easier said than done, which is why you need to read your child and do it the right way. But I liked her point of like her son loves the slide, but her daughter doesn't love the slide. Totally. She just wanted to do what her brother wanted. She thought the best way to get her needs met is to have the same thing.

1:09:25And we feed into that, which ironically makes sibling rivalry worse because we're saying even as your parent, I'm actually telling you to be hypervigilant to what your sibling has all the time to try to match it. that works against our interest. We want our siblings not to do that usually. So we don't want to lock them in. You do such a good job explaining behavior through simple stories that people, that we can understand. Thank you. Yeah. Snackable. What's the word? Digestible. Digestible. Digestible stories. Thank you. There we go. And then I just think the other perspective on siblings, and I think this is helpful for kids in general, is like our kids are going to be out of our home for so many more years than they're in their home.

1:10:03Ugh. And, but the power of that is to think long term. And with our kids, if we have siblings, they're going to have so many years where it's going to be their choice about whether to be close with each other. Right. Then whether they're locked into it. Right. And so many times I think we almost unintentionally build resentment. We're like so obsessed with our kids being best friends that we like force them to do this stuff. And the truth is sometimes like those kids are out of the house. Get me away from my sibling. And you were like, well, that backfired. Because at the time I actually want my kids to be close is when they're older.

1:10:38Right. And so just sibling conflict is so normal. It's so normal. So I would just say that fast forward error, right, just to remind yourself, this is normal. This doesn't mean they don't love each other. These are actually the years they're trying to figure out, how can I be close with someone who a lot of different feelings come up with? And so this is kind of their playground for figuring that out. So as much as possible, just remind yourself again, this is normal. This doesn't mean they're never going to be close. In fact, this is probably part of their journey to trying to be close. All the siblings I know that didn't get along ended up there just like, oh, and then my sister became my best friend in adult life.

1:11:13That's what I'm saying. Like when you have kids that are getting older, like I, you know, I'm thinking about this family I've talked a lot to. We're two girls, okay? And one of the girls is just, she's like amazing at everything, okay? Star athlete, best gymnast, million friends, all A's, honor society. And the other sister struggles. She had dyslexia. she right all these things like you think that daughter is just going to be happy at her sister's award ceremony first of all if that girl has any speck of self-respect she's gonna feel a lot of jealousy like she's not gonna go and be like i'm so happy no that feeling is so normal you know what it is it's hard to have a sister like that yes and it's okay when you're gonna be like you know i know you love annabelle and sometimes that's hard right and you can tell me that and I'm not going to think you're a bad person.

1:11:59Like, oh, that's actually the thing. First of all, it's going to help your kid. But that's also going to be the thing that makes space for them to be close eventually. You'd rather your kid process that with you than act that out the entire rest of their life. No question. That's like, wow. Just like be real. Yeah. You know, like, yeah. Like, those kids, I don't love being friends with those people sometimes. I love them, but they're a little annoying. It's hard. Brings up a lot of insecurity. It's hard to have that as your best friend. It's just like the star at XYZ. Yeah, you're just like, man.

1:12:26Man, don't be good at everything. It's annoying. Like I'm sitting right here. Leave some for the rest of us. Totally. Okay. I mean, I, she answered the second one of the biggest mistakes, you know, inadvertently. So I think you were fabulous. We learned a ton. Do you have anything else you want to ask, honey? No. This was great. Thank you so much for taking the time. Tell everybody where to find you. I mean, I think they know. Yeah, and I'm going to get one more thing in because. Okay, get it in. The thing we didn't get to talk about that I just think, it's not necessarily with siblings, but just in parenting, like I always like to remind parents, there's nothing more important than repair.

1:12:58Okay. Because like, I hear myself talk whenever my podcast, I mean, and I always leave and Sydney could tell you, I'm like, I'm going to do some things differently after I heard Dr. Becky talk. Like I am because we all are, I'm an amazing parent when I'm on a podcast. Let me just be clear. So good at parenting. And then we're human and then we're stressed and we get triggered and that's by design. Like as long as we're still different than the AI, like it is by design that we make mistakes that is not a flaw and one of the best ways to be close with someone and to build connection is when they're willing to repair with you right like I know for me same with my marriage if my husband's like hey yesterday I was really short with you I'm sorry that was not a you thing that wasn't okay I'm sorry I've like never loved my husband more it's so weird it's almost better than if he didn't do the thing totally get so obsessed you're like I messed my kid up and I did this that like we're so lost in the story that we're like hold on if I don't get lost in that story of being a monster, I can actually just go repair.

1:13:53Hey, I was short with you. Hey, I've been telling you all the time. It's so, it's so bad. You should love your baby sister. Actually, I wanted to tell you something different today. Having a baby sister can be hard. That's so beautiful. And it also models what we all want for our kid. Don't we want them to be accountable? Don't we? So how can they learn to be accountable for a struggle if we don't do that ourselves? And so I just always want parents to know making mistakes like that happens. that's not what impacts your kid as much as whether or not you come back to them after. And that's actually something we have a lot more control over than the mistake itself.

1:14:28So I just always want to end on that. I love that. The beauty of repair. Yes, the beauty of repair. It's okay to come back and repair in relationships and in parenting. Yes. That is going to be a big one. I'm just sitting to take down and saying, hey, we messed up here. Yes. And so you can find me at goodinside.com. We make it very easy. My book is called Good Inside. My podcast is called Good Inside. Our app is called Good Inside. Our website is called Good Inside. We just try to – all of our Instagram handles, Good Inside Baby, Dr. Becky at Good Inside. We can only remember so many things. Our generation probably loves one handle.

1:14:55Try everything. 100%. And I think coming to our website is best because we also – we just have great emails. As you can tell, I have a lot of things to say. I have a lot of stories. Which I love. And honestly, my team's often like, there's nowhere to put this. Just write an email. So they're just like, here's a vessel. So our emails are great. That's a great place to start. And then, yeah, we're just so excited about Good Inside Baby and our app. I think that, you know, we forget when we have a baby. That's also the start of our journey. Like the first number of months, how we think about ourselves as a parent, how equipped we feel, that has a big imprint on us.

1:15:28And so I'm just so excited to show up for parents in a way that's actually empowering and not perfect right from the start. Totally. And parents want somewhere. New parents, first-time parents, they are, I'll tell you, like I can tell in my DMs, like they really, they're not desperate, but they really want a place to go. So I think it's beautiful that you created that. So thank you. Thank you. This has been so much fun. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you guys for listening. Thanks for listening to another episode of Two Parents in a Podcast powered by Just Media House. If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to like, subscribe, comment, rate, and review.

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