Q&A: Single at 30, child-free weddings & is it ever OK to ask someone if they want kids?

29:47So the definition of factoid is a factoid. Okay. Say it again. So a factoid, most people would say it's a fact, a fun fact. It is something that has been said so much that's false that it just like kind of becomes true. Okay. So the word factoid is a factoid. Oh, right, right, right. In and of itself. Yeah. Okay. This is my favorite new account to follow. There's more, but I can't remember them off the top of my head. What's it called?

30:21Jules:um we need to well you don't if you can't get it it's fine no uh it'll be pretty pretty high up in my follows

30:33Jules:you feel better p that's so funny how that happens i'm harrison while he's gone honestly that it that's exactly what it is we needed vocabulary daily words say it again what is it vocabulary dot daily dot words is that instagram or tiktok instagram it has 1.2 million followers so a lot of people are interested in this and they just put they post kind of like a word of the day but this favorite series that i like is words that don't mean what most people think yeah it's so fun that's a fun one yeah yeah i like accounts like that jules okay um all right do we want to dive into the questions sure Okay Um

31:19Jules:Ways Okay Ways to best show up for your friends In the opposite season of life You're good at that Um I was trying to think on this one I would say just like asking questions Which I feel like I learned a lot from you But it's just like just ask questions And Jules I keep meaning to make a video about this In general, in freaking general, I was just like three places last week in these conversations. And I'm like, so let me get this straight. If I'm not asking you questions, are we talking or would we just be sitting here silently? Just anything. Yeah. What, you know, I don't know. At the base rate, not how was your day?

32:10Jules:because like good is what everyone's going to say but are you reading anything right how about that are you reading anything or what are you listening to are you a podcast person you like podcasts what what kind of podcasts yeah and i think just in and asking a specific question like if your friend's pregnant or if your friend just had a kid like asking one specific question beyond how are you doing is just like how how people have conversations it sounds so silly to say it's like that's how you have a conversation with someone then you figure out something maybe that they're struggling with i think a good example we've talked about it before but i got my friend the um cup holder for her stroller yeah because she was talking about her morning coffee walks how inconvenient that she didn't have a couple like not she didn't say the word cup holder she said like i'm trying to manage like how i hold this cup of coffee while doing the stroller i think we were on the phone or something like that and I was like oh Alex and Harrison they talked about how this was like one of the most underrated gifts for new moms and then like I don't know 15 minutes later I had the Amazon on her way with a cup holder for her stroller oh that's just like jewels maybe she had mentioned this or maybe I asked a question or whatever but it's just like listening and then showing up like having a normal conversation with a normal person and then showing up for them somehow it totally Yeah.

33:33Jules:Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. So that's a really so grasping at like little things that they say. Yeah. And just in asking the question, like not assuming, just asking the question and I don't know. That's how you show up for people. Yeah. That's what I'm trying not to do on this episode. So you could call me out if I do it. I hate when I listen back and I say, I don't know. I don't know. You're trying not to say I don't know. I'm trying not to say I don't know. Okay. Because I know. You do know. If there's one person that knows, it's Jules. So, okay. I think that's really good I do think also I'll say this and then Jules I want to hear from you what are ways that your friends with kids can show up for you you want to do that first no do your other thing first okay I think that because I'll just give you a couple questions like if you have a friend that just had a baby but you haven't had one yet and you're like what should I be asking I think some I'm just gonna put myself and I think I think it's helpful to ask how do you feel mentally how do you feel physically um

34:32Jules:do you want to do you know how about this I love this one send me a photo send me a photo of your baby um what's the hardest part what's the easiest part you know because I do think there's also a question of like you don't want to be asking so many in-depth questions that respond like you could say you can give me one or two word answers to these questions um what are some other things did birth go how you thought it would go

35:04um how many times did you wake up last night yeah even just the most mundane things i think are great probably great questions yeah unless you start to see the other person getting annoyed

35:15Jules:then right because you can also be okay you don't have to send me back the like but i am curious and I am thinking of you. My friend Tony did a really good job whenever I had Rocky. And she would, I don't remember what she would say. Oh, but it would just be like, I'm thinking of you. Send me, you know, send me a photo of Rocky thinking of you. You know, how are you feeling? You know, how did you feel mentally? Things like that. Because I think that they're, it's one step below. How are you, it's one step above. How are you feeling? Yeah. How are you feeling mentally? You know, okay. So just how's my brain?

35:45Jules:How are you feeling physically? Like I'm able to walk a little bit more now. You know, things like that. Yeah. Thinking on how a friend with a kid can show up for you, like.

36:04Like one, I think that the person without kids, like you just lower your expectations just like a little bit and give your friend grace during that time. Like that obviously can't shouldn't extend for years and years if you're in a good friendship. But like just lowering your expectations for the time. The one thing that I saw is just like or I saw a video on recently is just like interacting with your friends normally. OK. But also not using your childless friend to like escape. Right. From your life as a parent. Yes. So like it's not, I guess that's not how you show up for someone. But just like I don't have many expectations of my friends right when they have kids and soon after.

37:01But like also don't use me for. An outlet. An outlet of like of no kid time, if that makes sense. Totally. Just interact with me. I don't know. Just interact with me normally. I think that where I have trouble is like my friendships with my friends, while they logistically change when they have a baby, my actual connection with the person I do not think should change. I agree with that. And so like I sometimes have a hard time answering these questions because like just how I would want my friends to show up for me otherwise is how I would want them to show up for me when I when they have a kid.

37:44And which is with slightly lowered expectations for a certain amount of time.

37:48Jules:Yeah. And Grace, like if your if your best friend had a baby and it was your birthday the month after, like they're not going to come. Right. you know they might forget a gift they might if they're really with it maybe they'll get the gift sent like there are just some times where i'm like oh i really missed some milestones for some of my friends because that was in such a fog yeah so i love that i love that you say okay i'm extending grace for a certain period of time like then also you know the friendship does go two ways right but the but the bond with them remains right yeah yeah okay um for alex does being around single childless people every, ever, every five, you ever give you longing for a past life?

38:34Sorry,

38:35Jules:copy. I can't believe I couldn't get that. Okay. Um, does being around single childless people ever give you longing for your past life? No, because I didn't have kids when I was 22, right? Like I waited until I was 30. And so I lived my life, right? Like I lived in LA. I lived in New York. I had a blast in all those places. And then I was very, very, very much so ready for the next phase of life. And so now fun for me looks like like when we have our Friday nights at home and we're in the pool making burgers, eating the French fries outside. And then like we all get inside and we're in bed showered by nine.

39:18Jules:I'm thrilled. I let a candle. I read my book like I earned that right like when I left New York I was tired and so I really can appreciate this phase of life um and so not at all but I also think I do a really good job of like I have friends I have friends in both camps I have friends with no kids and I have friends with kids and I have a lot of fun with both of them but I don't live this 24 7 don't do anything else mom mom mom mom mom mom mom because like I'm always a mom I'm a mom 24 7 yes but then I also do go and do things like I come to the office and so I think that really gives me space to appreciate being a mom so much but it doesn't wear me down at it and so I think that like I I love being a mom more than I've loved anything else I've ever done in life whenever I see my kids my friends that don't have kids, whether it's not yet or whether they don't want them.

40:21Jules:I think that's great for them. But like, I love this phase of life. And it's why like, I want more kids. And I love the family dynamic. I love taking them to do things. I love seeing the joy through their eyes. Like, that's my version of happiness now. So that was a long way of saying like, no, I don't. But I do. I do try to occupy like I do try to not mom 24 seven because it's good for me. Yeah. Part of what's good for me is coming to work is going to dinner and talking about other things, talking about business talking about with my content creator friends like having we're not just talking about nap schedules right it but I do think it's a thing for a lot of moms right of like of missing that past life so I don't know if you have anything of like well I think I think when okay i do have a what i find important

41:21Jules:always is

41:26Jules:balance is saying prioritizing and harrison and i like we're due for a date night just the two of us because we keep getting a babysitter and then we'll invite like seven other couples and then like it's not a date night but Harrison and I's personality very much like we love to have fun we love to talk to people we so we have to I have to make sure and he's good about this too like we do need to go to a concert every once in a while and I think when you're doing things that you used to do in your past life you bring a couple of those into this life it makes for a really nice blend so making sure that we still go out and have fun with the kids without the kids I hear what you're saying If you had none of that Then yes you might miss a past life more Yeah if I wasn't doing any of that I might be like oh my gosh that would be nice You know I think sometimes Something really beautiful to do Is if you can afford it Or you can have a grandparent come do it Get a Saturday morning sitter So you get to sleep in And then you and your partner get to wake up And go get coffee together And go eat breakfast together because on the weekdays you don't because you get up you go to work and then you get Saturday and Sunday but when you have kids you're Saturday and Sunday you're fully on so what a lot of people like a lot of people that don't have kids that don't understand is like parents we kind of operate on a 24 7 clock because you got work when you're done with work you're on kid and then when the weekend comes you're on kid duty so I think like a really nice gift for the past life we always laugh about it's like remember when we used to just like sleep and wake up and go to a workout class gone are the days yeah but if you can get a grandparent or a sitter for that period i don't know once every two three months yeah that gives you a taste of just that yeah you know but no i don't i don't miss it at all that was nice what you said a gift to your past self i think is how you're this word in that yeah a gift to your past self because like you're the same person but it's a new phase right and so you know do you sometimes i think back to college you know and i don't miss college at all.

43:26Jules:Like I loved college. And so there's sometimes that you just got to like sprinkle in the other phases of life. But I would say if you like really, really, really are just like longing for that, what you're probably longing for, if you think about it, is maybe the full autonomy you had over your whole schedule. The independence you had could be the fun aspect of it. Like what aspect of it that you're missing? Are you missing sleeping in on a Saturday or are you missing going to dinner on a Saturday? Yeah. Okay. Well, try to make one of those two possible. Yeah. It's awesome. You guys heard me talk about my cozy earth sheets.

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47:34Jules:Right. Okay. That to me is, you know, maybe 60 years ago, that was more of a thing. But I, I think these days, like women are so kick-ass that they make their own money. They can buy their own flights. You want these new sunglasses, just you go get them. Right. And so in order to change something about your life, to add in a partner, to add in having a kid, X, Y, Z, it's like you would have to want to fix what you have now right whereas i think a lot of girls these days girls and guys yeah they're just like oh no i like my life at 30 and people are doing more at 30 yeah and i just like i used to yes when i was 20 like i thought 30 was i thought 30 was so old when i was in my first job out of college i guess i was probably 21 or 22 um the girl that's next to me she was 30 and like me and her we would just like play off of each other I I would teach her all of like the lingo and whatever that was going on with the kids my age and I was just like wow she's old when I turned 30 I texted her and I was like I'm dead like I can't believe you let me pretend like you were so old like I mean it was fun back and forth but like I was like I I can't believe because like I'm still I'm very different than I was when I was 22 but like I am nowhere near what I thought a 30 year old totally or whatever totally um but like yeah it's just 30 is so 30 is so young in 2026 30 is so young so like I don't even I don't even think about that part of the question like it's not even a question to me it's it's funny because like i do i understand how back in the day you speak oh my gosh like 30 you know 30 think about 30 year olds these days and this is where the internet's a good thing right because you get to see a lot of versions of people right they're working that most of them actually aren't having kids right i would say right how old's kristen cavallari 40 something i know she's in her she's I think I did.

49:48Jules:She just turned 40. She's 39. Oh, so she's not 40 yet. She's turning 40 in January. OK, so she is one to me where I feel like she and how old is Morgan Stewart? I knew you were going to ask that before you asked 37, give or take 38. She's 38. Okay. So like two girls who I love, think are awesome. They are moms, but they are also very much so doing everything. They to me have a young vibe. So I'm like, I'm good to get 40. I'm good with that. And then by that time, Kristen and Morgan will be 48 and almost 50. And they will be making that look posh. Yeah. And I like love it. One of my favorite people to follow is your friend Jade.

50:38Because she's like 36. 37. 37. oh sorry jade i think i think she's 37 whatever age she is 36 or 37 i just think i'm like i would

50:46Jules:love to live her exact life you know and and the way jade has lived her life is awesome and it's inspiring yeah you know because she got divorced she then found nick she has so much fun so they both have so so so so much fun yeah and then she's like i do want to have a kid yeah and she's still like she knows what's going on in the world like in pop culture like she has fun takes she has like the nostalgic side too she's one of my favorite um follows she is she and she's the exact same way in person too like you can talk to her about anything yeah i can be like jay did you see this person on morgan's podcast like yes or we can talk about any current event happening she's like yep i saw it yeah and i have an opinion on it yeah and it's yeah jade's a good one so that's tip too like follow someone that you think follow someone five to ten years ahead of you and like uh i don't know i don't like to compare myself to others either but i just i look at her and i'm like oh she's 36 like i'm i'm chilling i don't think it's comparing yeah i think it's it's um you're it's aspirational and i think it's important to have like you would have a mentor in business why wouldn't you have one online right that's living that life and showing it to you like I love Morgan it's more Morgan for me yeah I love just being like okay what is she doing what you doing next yeah um okay is it annoying to ask people when slash if they want kids I don't think it's necessarily annoying I think it's inappropriate I agree because you never know what somebody's going through so you never know if they're going through you know infertility or if them and their partner are trying to decide if they want kids or not and so I always wait for them to present it to me.

52:32Jules:Like, oh, I do want to have a kid one day, but like, I'm not ready yet. Right. Or we're trying, or maybe they don't offer up anything, and then that always helps me read the room, but I definitely leave it to the person to let me know. On the exact same page. Also, when it comes to like, if they have one kid, if they want another kid or not, like, some people will say that they've got their one kid, and they're like, I'm so glad I'm done with one. Like, we've always known we want one kid. Great. Or they'll be like, I'm not sure if I want to go for another one or not, because again you never know if they're trying how what the journey is and so I never want to ask somebody yeah so I don't I agree that annoying isn't the word it's just like it's not appropriate yeah but I do think if they offer it to you if they say um you know we're trying for example I never want to ask how the trying but I'll just say I'm thinking of you right you know and I or we want to have kids one day okay if I can tell they want to talk about it okay what's your timeline what do you think in age gap wise you know there's some follow up questions I will because I don't want to be rude either and like shut it down but I let them lead yeah I think the conversation's totally on the table if the person brings it to you yeah but like don't ask don't ask me right right right I agree I agree and I would just like never ask somebody randomly I will ask though like I will if I'm in a convo with somebody that I don't know when we're starting from ground zero, you know, what do you think about saying, and do you have kids?

54:06I think that someone would like... Offer it up. Don't you think you lead, if someone asks you to tell them about you, you would probably lead with the fact that you have two kids. Yeah, I would. Or it would be, you know, one of the first three things you say about yourself.

54:24Jules:Yeah. so then you say don't ask yeah i i i'm thinking you're on an airplane you're in an airplane combo yeah because a lot of times like i was sitting by this guy the other day and like his daughter went had was just going starting her sophomore year of college and like he worked that in somehow in the first yeah i think if you want to talk about kids like you're you're offering it Yeah, I agree with that, actually. It's probably fine to ask, but like it's how you I think the tone that you asked it in is totally fine. And then like the follow up questions that you might ask, I would assume you have enough tact to do that.

55:04Correct. But there's a lot of people that don't have enough tact to ask questions like appropriately. So I would just say steer clear.

55:12Jules:I was going to say I would ask, but I'm actually now of any scenario in which I would ask and there's not one. Yeah. Because you also never know, like, you don't ever want to bring up a pain point, you know? And so I do think, yeah, that they will offer it. Yeah. Like, it's coming up with me. It's going to come up. Right. I didn't even think with my mom, like, my mom, we're 35 and 30. I would assume that if my mom's telling someone about her, we're being mentioned within the first two minutes. Right, right. So that's how I would default. Yeah. Let someone bring it up. Yeah, I agree. I totally agree.

55:52Jules:Okay. Do babies like infant in a carrier count as kids at a wedding? Okay, so baby carrying. Ask differently. Someone ask our opinions on bringing an exclusively breastfed baby to a wedding that the kids are not invited to. Okay. Okay.

56:14Jules:I'm not doing, I'm, how do we say this? No baby wearing at the wedding if kids aren't invited, I would say. Because number one, you're opening up a can of worms. Number two, if the baby is exclusively breastfed, if that's your thing, okay, and you're not going to pump and give them a bottle where they stay at home with grandma or grandpa or the babysitter, and it's got to be, and then there's the scenario too where a lot of babies won't take a bottle and they need mom to feed them, okay? The way I would do this is I would have the caregiver, whoever you're, let's say your grandma's watching them.

56:54Jules:Grandma's coming. They're sitting in another room. We're doing rocking. You know, we're hanging out with the baby. It's very comfortable. And when the baby's hungry, mom leaves, breastfeeds the baby and mom comes back. Another option, you know, maybe you don't go to the wedding I think baby wearing it would be very disruptive to a wedding and I think I mean I do think the key here though too is like in both of these instances it feels like babies aren't invited totally and like a no kids wedding like means no kids wedding it's not like but there's an exception for babies you can wear under three months or something like that right um like actually like absolutely not yeah like that's i mean those aren't the most disruptive kids but like they can be they can be very disruptive yeah so in a different way a hundred percent but like i think what you said of like leaving and coming back i think you can also you can tell your friend ahead of time like hey this is my plan but then never talk about it again like don't make it the bride's problem don't make it i wouldn't even tell her i wouldn't even tell her jules i because because you're gonna leave for 20 minutes and you're gonna be there still so i'm just stepping out disappearing feeding coming back are you in are you in the wedding or are you in the well if i'm in the wedding okay the only problem the only time i can't leave is ceremony yeah i'm revising my statement i would only tell her if i was in the wedding yeah yeah if i'm running the wedding if you're a wedding guest yeah don't tell here's the other thing there's usually like if it's your cousin getting married all right husband takes the baby outside like you guys are hanging out outside if that's how we have to do it i would bring i would bring a caregiver and they would they would be in another room and i would leave him breastfeed if i had to but like i just • • Thank you.

58:54I'm all for multiple things.

58:58Jules:Number one, you get to pick exactly how you want to feed your baby and we're here to support you on that no matter what. I do think we can make this work though. I think you very much so can be at the wedding if you need to be. Also feel free. If you can't make it, just explain I'm exclusively breastfeeding. I'm not going to be able to come because I'm going to be in and out all night and my kid won't take a bottle. That's fine. or I don't want to give my kid a bottle. That's also fine. But if you also want to go to the wedding, then I think the polite thing to do is figure out a way that the baby can stay outside in another area, not outside, outside, but in another area.

59:31Yeah, close by. Close by and you can go back and forth. That was the next question that I saw come in this morning was how do you decline an invite to a party from a good friend because you don't want to leave your baby? How do you politely decline?

59:48i how would this land with you i wanted i just had a baby i know you're having a party i know

59:57Jules:we're best friends i love you so much and i want to be there but like i can't explain to you this feeling of like i just want to stay home with my baby and so unfortunately i'm just not going to be able to come that that would land and then i would but i would also i would maybe want like a but i'd love to do x even if it's in two months from now like i'd love to do x with you this other time or something like that where it's not like okay i'm not coming to this thing that you're having and i don't know the next time i'm going to see you right yeah yeah you can say and it might be five months right but like we've got a date because i'm missing the if it's your birthday party i'm missing your dinner party like you and i we are due to hang out but like now is not the time for me yeah i would have zero problem me as well i would be like please stay home i send out invites to my friends who recently had a baby and i say i do not expect you to come at all i'm actually inviting you so you feel better yeah but like please do not come and and that was the next question was as a single person with no kids do you want sorry it's related to the next question as a single person with no kids do you want to be invited to kids birthday parties and I just thought like the same thing as you sending the invitation to people who just had a baby and knowing that they won't come it's like also send to them send the invitation to your friend who's single with no kids so they have the option to come and be there but they also have the option to decline yes because okay so pre-kids for me I kind of felt weird going to kids birthday parties like I didn't really know how to help I didn't really know what to do and so I was more inclined to probably not go but I would send a gift but did you want to be invited yeah yeah I would I would like the invite but I would also like but then also when you're invited sometimes you feel bad not going but that's why I send the invite I'm like and there let me tell you what there you You are just literally getting like zero pressure to come.

1:01:59Jules:Yeah. Zero. Like I. For a kid's birthday party, like it's hard because like most of my friends are single and we have a couple in different stages. But like if that's what my friends were doing, who's the birthday party for the first birthday party, if not for the parents and the parents. Yeah, that's really true. So like if that's what my friends are doing, that's what I want to be doing. Yeah. So I want to be invited even if I have no like I'm not going to be in the ball pit or do things like that. It's just like you just want the invite. And I don't I wouldn't feel awkward saying no. But like I wouldn't say no because I would want to be there with my friends because that's what my friends were doing.

1:02:46If that makes sense.

1:02:47Jules:Yeah. And that's and I wish. So like I love the idea. I'm inviting all of my friends to take, I would edit to her first and they'll be invited to her second. Right. And I know my friends, I think are different though. Like I just have some friends that have made it very clear. Like I want to come to all your kids things. And it's just like the sweetest thing ever. I just think about back before I had kids, I was the friend that was like, Oh, I don't really know what to do with my hands at these things. Like it's not my vibe, but like you're always invited to ours. Right. And so Jules is the friend that's like, I'm coming.

1:03:18Jules:Yeah. And I love that. Yeah. And we need both. I was the friend that was like, I don't really know. Yeah. You guys know Harrison and I talk about education constantly. Even though we don't have a kid that's in the school ages yet, we've been having these conversations since before Tate was born. What honestly kind of blew my mind, though, was realizing how many amazing school options are out there that I had no idea existed. Like the K-12 powered online schools. K-12 powered online schools are tuition free, accredited and offered online public education from kindergarten all the way through 12th grade.

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1:05:03Jules:Enroll online today at k12.com slash two parents. That's the letter K, the number 12.com slash two parents, k12.com slash two parents. I don't know if I put it in here, but I just, someone asked, do you want to hold my baby? As in like, as the single person with no kids, do you want to hold my baby? Me, no. Until they're four months old. Jules is not like a fresh baby. She does not know what to do with them and she's like no I was um telling everyone at this baby shower I was at this weekend like why I don't like to hold the the one to three or zero to three months um and I don't know if I've said this on the podcast before but freshman year in health class we got electric babies okay electronic babies that you had like you had a bracelet on your wrist and you had to Once it cried, you had to hit the bracelet to its back and then you had to decide what it needed.

1:06:03You'd have to give it a bottle or change its diaper or rock it. And there was all these things that you had to do and you would get points deducted if it took too long to do something, whatever. And the number one thing that you would just fail automatically is if the baby's head bounced back. And so what all the girls would do is you would take the baby's arms and you would like push it behind its back and you would tie. You would tie the wrist with a hairband behind the baby's back. OK, so their head couldn't bounce. So the head couldn't bounce back. Smart. And like I got 100 on on that project.

1:06:43Good job, Jules. But like I'm I'm so like that's the one thing that stuck with me. Not like not getting pregnant. Right, right. Like you're just like, don't let the head bounce back. The thing that's stuck with me is not letting the baby's neck fall back. And like that, I'm just terrified of it. I mean, it's scary. I don't, I don't want to be any part of that until it can hold its neck up on its own. Yeah.

1:07:04Jules:Jules isn't doing the head bobbing. Yeah. Because it is scary. Do you have to, you know, people are so delicate with them. What's crazy to me is that this class exists at the Miami of Ohio College. No, no. This was high school. Okay. High school. Yeah. This class exists. you need to do they need to require this for one day before you have a baby i agree like just take the so then you know okay if it's crying it's maybe we're burping maybe we're feeding it yeah and it it was funny though because they would shut it it had off hours so like it wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night this is like an intense baby you know it's i'll have to find a link for one of them like i think they cost like a decent amount of money but they had them at my school they like lived in these cabinets you got assigned your certain baby item boy which is no offense rocky not for me right and i can still remember that um do you change their diaper you changed their diaper so you got two diapers one had like a yellow square on it one had a green square on it and it had they'd had different chips in them and so like it would register i guess that the green one was soiled and then you had to put the yellow one on it to oh my gosh you used to trade the diaper yeah and i'd be like at dance class i don't know if you clearly you didn't have this at high school no these babies like a lot of the girls at my dance studio went to the same high school so they were just like when it was that person's turn like this baby would just be sitting at our dance class but the music is loud so like you'd have to have your dance teacher sit there and tell you if it was about to cry or not this is like a real project no yeah we had it for three days three days i believe it was over a weekend too i believe it was a couple weekdays and over a weekend i love it yeah i would have loved this project well they were trying to make sure that we didn't have babies oh at my all girls catholic school oh see this would have drawn me i would be like this is cute like i love this no it was health class freshman year and they were trying to you know promote abstinence it's like when they're when they're promoting no um well then you'd think they would leave the baby on in the middle of the night yeah that would be more apt to yeah but it's like when they were i i never forget the no smoking we did in fourth grade where they show you the black lung dare yes dare dare to resist alcohol and drugs it that burned an image into my head yeah burned it pun intended like i was like oh wow so that was effective yeah but the but giving me a toy baby be like i'd be down yeah no it was it truly though like it scarred me for life on the on the head thing it's good though at least it teaches you the good things about it right so no i don't want to hold your baby till they can hold hold their head up themselves so jules is a four four month there of the holding of the baby okay uh what should the rules be if i thought this was a good one oh i have a rule okay i think what should the rules be if your husband significant slash significant other plays video games and you have kids they shouldn't be able to play while the child is awake yeah just play when they're asleep yeah like but i would assume that this is like a big problem what like you come home from work and you gotta go game yeah while the kids are awake yeah so you just like leave it to mom yeah i would assume that this is something that a lot of people deal with like video games are just as addictive as social media and like the people that are like my brother is very into video games like it's it's constant the thing that he knows about himself though he's like i couldn't have kids i'm too selfish to have kids i want to play my video games and i'm not even kidding i like the awareness fair but like i would assume that this is a real problem for people okay i don't i don't know like okay there are times where guys go golf and I don't think that's a problem.

1:10:59Jules:So if you want to carve out Saturday for two hours that you play your video games, I guess you could do nap time. That would work with me. Or I guess communicate it and time bound it. Time bound it works for me, but like I'm not in. Okay. I'll just let you know what would happen if Harrison came home at five o 'clock and he's like, I'm going to go downstairs and play video games. just I'd be he just wouldn't I just I'm trying to imagine the scenario where he did that I almost want to call him and ask him about this one I'm sorry I don't know it wouldn't work I would just be like no like I no I agree but I would assume that this is actually something that people deal with and it's okay if it's something that you deal with like I would I would have to time bound it or I'd say when the kids go to sleep but like I don't know We have kids.

1:11:54Jules:They want to see you. They want to hang out with you. Your video game is just not going to supersede that. Pee in like a quick answer that I can repeat if you're fine. Like I know Brandon plays video games. Would he? What would your thoughts be? He only plays when I'm asleep. Love it. Good. He plays when pee's asleep. Yeah. Like play your video. You want to save an extra hour? Do your thing. Like I don't care. Like if your video games are like infiltrating what we're all doing, your video games no i agree i'm and i and why am i why am i more down for you to go golf than i am for you to play video games it's you're you're being you're outside you're doing an activity you're talking to other people golf to me while i think a lot of times it is super social it's also video games are mind-numbing addictive like if you're gonna go gamble for your saturday no yeah that would be the only thing is that some people do keep in touch with like their long distance friends over video games like you know you got the little they talk to people i'm not fully great block your time i think yeah you got a time bound it and if okay fine if you want to pick your video games as the equivalent of you're going to dinner with your friends on a saturday night so you want to take it from 7 to 10 p.m fine fine that can you can do that like if you want to say i i would go to dinner but instead i have a date with my friend yeah who's you know in New York and we're going to play video games together.

1:13:22Jules:Great. Yeah. But it's got to be time blocked. Agree. It's not it's not a it's at the bottom of the list of priorities. Harrison and I both can say I need we have this thing where from five to nine, five to eight, nine ish when we're with the kids at night hanging out. If you have to do emails, which a lot of Sometimes he has to do like 30 minutes of email. Sometimes he will go somewhere else. Cause like if the kids are sitting there, I'm just on his laptop. It's, I think that it's just showing them like your laptop is more important. So we tried to have all the electronics down when they're around.

1:14:01Jules:If you need to do that, I understand that because in terms of hierarchy, that's, that's high up there. That's your job. Right. You don't need to watch movies and you don't need to play video games. So I have a really hard time when we need to feed them dinner and be with them playing. that to me doesn't sit super well i would think yeah yeah i would put it at the bottom of the totem pole yeah okay um best advice for college girls that are post-grad jules you go first oh my gosh i was thinking about this before and now it totally escaped me what i wanted to say

1:14:42Jules:I might need you to go. Okay, I'll go. And then you go. So it this is this is what I think about. Once you graduate college, it's going to seem like a rat race. It's going to seem like what is everyone's job? How much does it pay? Who got the best one? Okay. And it's going to feel like people are in quote unquote, first place, right? Well, don't don't do short term gains at this point, play the long goal, the long game here. Okay. Because when you're first out of college, let's say you're 22, 23, the people that optimize, then you fast forward to 28, 30, 35. They're not often the person that was in first place and not stay there.

1:15:22Jules:And first place can be defined a lot of different ways for some people. They want to optimize for a happy family. For some people, they want to have an income for some people. They want to move to a different city. They want to get a lot of life experience. Maybe they want to take a pay cut to get their foot in more doors. It's going to look very different to a lot of different people. But don't get so caught up in that rat race, who's doing what, who can buy what at this point, who's got the nicer apartment, because over time, you will see that doesn't sustain. Take a deep breath. Don't compare yourself to others.

1:15:53Jules:And just stay in your lane because you'll wake up at 28, 30, 35. And if you opt out of experiences, if you opt out of hard conversations, If you get fired, getting fired is good for you, right? It might be like the end of the world then, but just wait because the lesson you learn from that will be so important and impactful when you're 30, 35. So just wait, keep your head down, look at your lane and see where you get. But if you don't put your blinders on and you're looking at everybody else, you're going to make the wrong decisions. Yeah. The best thing that I think that I did when I got out of college, one, the first job that I had was like a recent college grads program.

1:16:37So it was like a class of 40 people, 40 kids just right out of school. Bless you. Thank you. And I think I think that finding a job like that is like one of the best things that you can do for yourself, because, again, it does give a little college 2.0, but you're. The focus is really on learning, like I think I had two months of training before like I touched, you know, before I touched a client. And like it wasn't just two months of me like sitting down reading something. It was two months in a classroom with peers the same age as me. And like that was the best thing that I did was finding a job that was how to start class.

1:17:21And that's what I was looking for when I was out of college. Oh, so you knew that existed?

1:17:26Jules:Yeah. Yeah. So it was like a gentle way to dip your toe in the water before going fully into the workforce. Yes, correct. And then I think that I worked hard for, call it like six months and like mastered the job and the expectations of me. Then I think the best, best thing that you can do at any job is like do something outside of the scope of the role. and a lot of places that's like they're called like working groups where like you help um i don't know one of the first ones i was in like i was helping build out documentation to onboard other people onto the role that i just got um and uh there's working groups for like the person that plans work happy hours and just like you know company culture and stuff like that and getting involved in those like one it helps you network with people outside of your immediate role two you get exposed to more things and I mostly use those to find out like what I didn't like doing so like I would do something outside of the main scope of my role and I'd be like I don't love planning I like don't like planning social happy hours whatever but I did like doing this like documentation group so like how can I then go get involved into that side of things further and like at my second job that became um i created like a whole role for myself and helped build out a department around something that started for me as like this plus one project so i got to volunteer do something that i was like became more passionate about yeah and then turn that into an actual role so doing things outside of your scope of work to find out what you like and what you don't like and then leaning in more to the things that you do like that can create like way more of a that creates a job path for you that like wouldn't exist otherwise and like is likely not something that you studied in school or um i think doing what to do i think doing one thing like i think the biggest thing you said is also powerful in every phase of life okay so So when you do one thing outside of the scope of the work, it's the most powerful thing you can do.

1:19:44Jules:And I think it's a muscle people should flex all the time. So, for example, if you get a job and they say, okay, your list of things is one through five. Once you get acclimated to that, let's say it takes you three months. Then you say, what's number six I can do? And you add it on yourself, which is what Jules is talking about. That life skill will compound for the rest of your life. I do it with our nanny share, for example. Like I love Maria so much. She, I think, okay, bare minimum I could do drop Tate off, pick Tate up, or we could start organizing playdates with her or I could be on birthday.

1:20:20Jules:I love doing her birthday gifts, right? I love giving her little things throughout. I'm a gift giver. So it's just, even in that role, you just say, okay, we could do the bare minimum here or we could go above and beyond. And it's like Bob Iger says, He says, how you do anything is how you do everything. And I love that. I love it because you just say in every aspect, I could just do this or we could add this and it would just make it that much better. And that's the number one way to set yourself apart from everybody else. Yeah. And it's how you create the job that you want to do because eventually when it's time to come hire someone else on your team and you can say like, hey, here's where I want to focus and I want to farm this out to someone else.

1:21:02And it's not necessarily farming out something you don't like or want to do to someone else, but like to someone else that will be better at it because it is something that they want to do. Yeah, totally. So, yeah, that would that would be my advice is one starting finding a job that has a start class where you can like really learn. And two, once you have learned trying something outside of the job scope.

1:21:24Jules:I think a really good one, too, is look at the social media. Yeah. Like that's a really good scope that you could start with somebody of just saying like, hey, I noticed, you know, you guys could start doing more trends. I'm like on I'm on TikTok. I can send you some. Boom. You're doing like, have you guys thought about that? OK, there's a dentist office I follow. It's so random. But they started making content. Yeah. And so it was probably somebody that recently started there that was like, can we start doing this? Yeah. Now they have like 60 ,000 followers. They probably are getting more business.

1:21:51Jules:I know who they are. they're in Arizona. Like it's random. Like it's as random as it gets, but that was probably somebody doing something outside their scope of work, which is really cool. Love it. Um,

1:22:06okay.

1:22:06Jules:Oh, this is in regards to saying no. Are there other words you try to use sparingly in addition to no, i.e. be careful. I love this concept. Okay. When it comes to not saying no with a toddler, I think a lot about this because what I initially had read was if somebody says you can't have that apple, all you're thinking about is the apple. So start saying, okay, we can't have the apple. What can we have? We can have the orange. All right. We're not going to do the apple. We can do the orange. Yeah. And so then all these little brains are thinking about is that they get to have the orange. Being a parent is being a salesman.

1:22:43Jules:Like I, we walk out that door and I'm like, Tate, you get to get in your car seat. Okay. She used to hate her car seat. Now she gets to get in her car seat. So I think the best thing we can do in addition to saying no is okay. Let's say we use be careful. When we go up the stairs, I now I just say we're careful. Then she's just so focused on that. She gets to be careful. You make it an action. So instead of just no, don't do that. Okay. Well, what can you do instead of not pouring the water on the floor? we can. I let Tate jump on the couch. I use it all the time. Let's come jump on the couch.

1:23:19Jules:You take her brain off of no pouring water and onto jumping on the couch. And it's a redirect. That's what they call it. Then we are now jumping on the couch and it is the best thing ever. So I try to not use no. If I do use it, I do no and. So no, we can't throw those rocks into the street. we can throw the rocks back in the pile though like i try to look for a yes i don't try to be so no heavy y 'all it is no throwing rocks like that's a bit miserable for these like little brains but no throwing rocks out in the street but i don't see why you can't throw the rocks back into the rock pile i'm good with that i think for something you just said there reminded me of this like imaginative play that we were talking about is like it's it is easier probably just to say no it's probably easier just to say no but like having an ounce of like imagination and figuring out like the alternate thing to offer um it probably takes a little more brain power from you but in the long run pays off yes and it's being you have to be present and you have to kind of be fully on when you're doing it.

1:24:31Jules:But I truly look for yeses because I realized early on, no, you can't have that. It's just what's going to be miserable for me. And so reframing it, and it's a habit for the parents too, to not just say no, no, no all day long, but instead say, okay, no to this, but yes to this is really, it almost makes me feel more positive. For sure. Almost the difference between this negative no griping to yes. And the other day, Tate and Harrison, both, both came in and he couldn't find a towel and they came in the house and they tracked water and grass. And I wanted to make, you guys can't do that. And then I was like, oh my God, or literally, or I could just wipe it up and we could all move on.

1:25:17Jules:And the house vibe stays positive. So I really try to ask myself, no, because it was like kind of inconvenient for you or like no because we can't yeah and i did tell harrison afterwards i was like hey you did get water on the stairs that can be a safety thing and he's like no totally like just dry out before you come in the house i just told him and i that and he like totally got it but it wasn't so no you guys like no it was no big deal yeah it was just like zero of a big deal love it so careful is a big one and presenting the other thing that they can do is the other big one that i do Alex I'm so envious of your schedule and ability to get out and about and do things How are you working out and filming the podcast while still pumping and nursing?

1:26:03Jules:Are you pumping every three hours? Okay, I have stopped pumping at the I think the biggest thing here is I've stopped pumping every three hours I now pump three times a day and i'm trying to drop the middle pump So I wake up I pump I pump around two or three and then I pump before bed I will though. I am it's funny. I'm ironically breastfeeding rocky more but I'm on the decline of this. My must do's now are pump in the morning and the night. That if the day goes awry, those are the two things I have to do or else I'm in like pain and I'm leaking. So today, for example, I will probably, I'll probably pump in the morning.

1:26:42Jules:I'll probably breastfeed Rocky around two and then I'll pump when I get home. Tomorrow, I mean by next week or the week after because you gotta remember, Harrison and I are going to New York and we're not taking the kids. I don't want to be pumping three times a day there. I want to be pumping ideally morning and night. So my goal was three months. We did that. And now I am trending a bit downward on it, but I'm very worried about the mental crash that comes with stopping breastfeeding. So right now my goal morning and night. Okay. How I'm envious of your schedule and ability to do things. When you lose the ability to do something, it makes you appreciate it so much more.

1:27:23Jules:When I'm pregnant, and this was solidified today when I was looking back for a photo, Jules and I were trying to find from when Rocky wasn't even born yet. And I scrolled through these photos of when I was pregnant. When I'm pregnant, I feel so sick and lethargic and sad sad and icky and I have a constant stomach ache that when I'm not pregnant, so when I had Tate, I was in physical pain and I couldn't walk for, call it two months. And then I was in a lot of like my mental state wasn't so good. With Rocky, I've had my anxiety that I've talked about, but physically I have felt, I would say pretty darn good.

1:28:05Jules:I'll call it an eight out of 10 with the exception of the first two weeks he was born. Other than that, I really felt pretty good. I missed feeling good that that's what motivates me to go to the gym like I like to go I want to lift the amount of weights that tate weighs so I try to do the 15 pound dumbbells in both arms to like make sure I have enough energy to keep up with her because I know Honestly, just tell you the way I think about it. I know I know that I ideally god willing would like to have another kid Which means i'm going down for another nine months nine ten months I'm, so excited to not be in that phase and I feel like I missed some part of that with tate that I really, really like run a tight ship with myself where I say, how do we feel best?

1:28:48Jules:We feel best if we're eating good, if I'm getting my protein, then I can pump a lot. Then I can go to the gym. I'm very, I'm very adamant about getting in bed at nine 30 or 10 reading. Like I take care of the mental side of things as best as I can. And then so I can, I control what I can control. That's how I do it. And outside of that, like I've started scroll. Okay. The way that my brain works is like I've started, I caught myself two weeks ago, scrolling more than I liked. And I was, I feel so icky from it and it was sucking up so much of my time. So now I just say to myself, like, I know this is going to be hard, but you put that phone down and you journal or you read and like, that's it.

1:29:28Jules:Put the phone down. And like, I get really mad at myself. So I just go to these, I just go to this like how do you optimize your time and I don't want to do it it's not easy but if I can do it for one day then I can do it for two days yeah and then I can do it for a third day yeah and I think the other piece would be like your job like you your job enables you to be able to go work out during the middle of the day yes we need to paint a very accurate picture here you're right like my job I have somewhere my kids can be like I do get rocky right now during the day because I love being with them while they're young for four or five hours.

1:30:07Jules:And I usually will go home and do that around noon from noon to five. And Tate still stays at the nanny share. Okay. But like I can wake up, go come here and record. And then I can go to the gym. And from there, I just adjust my schedule accordingly. Like if you're someone that goes to the office from nine to five, your schedule is going to look very differently from mine. Or if you're home all day with the kids, you're going to wonder how I'm doing these things. And I'm doing these things because that's the schedule that I've built and I've optimized for that. And it's what works. It works so good for Harrison and I to be able to run around during the day, go back, get the kids whenever we want to.

1:30:47Jules:But to have child care from nine to five is like, it's very important to us. And again, like I get Rocky a lot. Heck, yesterday I went and got Tate at two. Like I just, it just depends on the time but yeah we are better at working we are better at taking care of our physical and mental health and you know a lot of people drop their kids off at daycare I think it's the same thing and so it's like how do I do that during that time I just time block yeah that answer it yeah no I think for sure I think the you guys have you guys both prioritize all types of health but like physical health very important to you and like the expectation around work schedule is like we don't schedule me you know we don't schedule meetings after recording until um we don't need to get into the times but like until two or like something like that where so time blocking is is accurate but just accurate communication towards me and towards p and and Harrison that we're all on the same page of like what's going on during what hours and when work is happening versus um when family time is happening and so on and so forth that I think that's what lets you guys be able to do that is when you have flexible schedules but you make them like rigid for yourselves so that you're using the time that you have to the best of your ability I think a really good example of that was we used to start recording at 9 30 or 9 I don't remember.

1:32:16Jules:And I asked to push it back for 10 while Rocky was still little because I love like that is my cuddle time with him. Like no matter what him and I like we live that soft life in the morning and like we're just hanging out. We're cooing. I and so I know I have until 940 to hang out with him. Right. And then I got to get like so I know if I have it time blocked. If you told me I was with Rocky all day, I would be like antsy. OK, that's not for me. I'm not built like that. You tell me I'm going to wake up, get ready and then go back and I'm going to hang out with Rocky. And I know I've got a hard out Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 940 to get dressed and get here.

1:32:56Jules:I'm going to make the most of that time. Yeah, that's really good for me. Then I know I'm going to get back home around two ish. We can hang. I get right. Get Rocky again. Like those time blocks are so good for me. But like I'm the kind of person I need to go to work and I need to go to the gym. Yeah. But like today at the gym, I'm going to walk for 30 minutes. That's it. awesome but that kind of like that physical activity is really good for me yeah um we're probably good but i did want to hear about the the oreo gate yes okay so oreo gate is there was this mom who texted to the rest of the moms in class with her kids saying please stop sending oreos to school with your daughters because my daughter we don't have oreos at home and my daughter gets really sad when she sees that your kids have oreos and so i just need you to stop sending oreos to school with your kids because my daughter she can't have them and the moms were like oh are they they were kind of they we get full screenshots of this they're sitting like crying laughing emojis one mom's like it was me that sent it she's like okay you know could you please stop and she's like stop sending of certain food with my daughter i don't want to so the girl takes it as far as emailing the teacher trying to get a yes and a no list created for school lunches.

1:34:11Jules:And the parents are just like, you emailed, like, this is what life is going to be. Life is just going to be one kid can have it and a bunch can't. I mean, if we're talking about an allergy, that's one thing. But like, I don't know, if you want to send pizza to school with your kid and my kid, we don't eat pizza at home, like, they're just going to have it. Right. Separately, if this was Tate, this is how I hope Tate would handle it. I would hope Tate would eat the Oreo anyways and just not tell me. Just eat the Oreo. So like this kid's going home being like, mommy, they have Oreo. Like, yeah, honey, I figured out.

1:34:44Jules:Do you know what I mean? Like this is just going to be life. Right. Like I just posted, I posted a video that you probably haven't seen because it loaded right when we started. No. But I talked about this girl that I went to school that had Juicy Couture Sidekick, the phone. And I wanted one so bad. And I remember I went home to my parents. I was like, can I get a Juicy Couture Sidekick? And they were like, literally, absolutely not. And furthermore, this is what life is going to be. Someone's always going to have something that you can't have. you're gonna want it you can't have it move on right just move right on i i saw it was actually in regards to the playground like our playground's too safe um conversation that we had the other day the professor that was talking about it in the clip they said like are we preparing the road for the child are we preparing the child for the road love it jules so like in in the case where she's trying to get the oreo band you're trying to make changes to the road for the child versus if the mom just had like a hard conversation with the child about how not every you know we don't have oreos other people can have oreos so on and so forth that's preparing the child for the road That sums it up.

1:35:59Jules:Yeah, that was awesome. There we go. Yeah. Another example I use is these park sweatshirts that come out, like a cool sweatshirt. All the kids are going to want them. Some aren't going to be able to get them. But what? And that, if one kid, are you going to call the mom and say, hey, can you please not send her to school in that sweatshirt? My daughter wants one. No. No. That's just going to be life. No. I keep thinking back to it. I had a uniform because I went to a private school, but we did. We could wear tubes like you wore white tube socks like you're wearing. OK. Like halfway through my school year or my time at school, they banned ones with Nike checkmarks on them because like.

1:36:48Some kids couldn't get them. Some kids couldn't get the ones with the Nike checkmarks. And they wanted them. And they wanted that, I guess. But actually, I don't know who made this rule because I don't think any of the girls were thinking this way. I didn't grow up with a ton of money. I was probably someone without the Nike checkmark. Right. And I just remember thinking at 16, I was just like, if it's fine, if no one's being hurt, physically hurt or unsafe with having the Nike checkmark there, like I think we need to learn that some people are going to have Nike check marks and some people aren't going to.

1:37:27Exactly. That stuck with me from the time I was 16.

1:37:30Jules:Yeah. Some people are just going to have things that we want and then we can't have in the Oreo. Like the Oreo seems like a small example. Yeah. But to me, it's like a much bigger picture. And you summarized it with the road. Yeah. Yeah. And like going back to the the beginning of the episode, what I said, it's just like if I sat and defined my life by all the things that I can't have or don't have, like I would be miserable too. So like. It's exactly it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's thinking I don't have an Oreo, but instead you could be like, well, you don't have an Oreo, but look, you got this really cool peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

1:37:57Yeah.

1:37:58Jules:And I cut it like a heart. Yeah. So boom, now it's awesome. You know? All right, Jules, that was a great episode. Yeah. Great insights from you as always. You too. We love you guys. Thank you for listening and have a great weekend. Thank you. Thanks for listening to another episode of Two Parents. If you enjoyed the show, Don't forget to subscribe like comment rate and review stay connected on Instagram TikTok YouTube and Facebook at two parents in a pod Welcome to our home. Sorry, it's so messy new episodes every Monday Wednesday and Friday