Friday Club | A Dirty Twister

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0:45Hey, hey, it's the Friday Club. The weekend's here, get in that pub. It's Friday Club. Bing, bang, bosh. With all of your favourites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a formatory, Fatta the wee Or clapping them cheeks Baby you got caught By the mother-in-law Having a wank It's all here on the Friday Club It's all here on the Friday Club We're going to talk about this year Managerial role on Saturday How did it go? Great day As always Yeah, really good day Really good day on a managerial front I did what I always do I delegated most of the work I got a little bold man what do they call him?

1:39Tony Tony Eager Tony I like to call him so I could see how excited he were so I've gone Was he assistant? No, well I would say we're pretty much on a par as managers in the end but I could tell you we're excited about his role so I said Tony it's not about me over to you so Tony did the team talk palmed it off on someone else Tony did the warm up er Tony pretty much shut everything out yeah

2:12so that's was it rallying calls for the troops no I said to you before I don't think I've ever been in the changing room where the manager hasn't said one word before the game half time end of the game at the end of the game I did you were in you were still in your lap of honour and my exact words were that second half team them cunts are going to get me the sack

2:40what attire did you go for as manager suit no trousers t-shirt pumps you look good I thought you looked smart you looked different how you normally you normally dress. I've got some baggy trousers. I've got the picture here, actually. Are they mine, them, from Charity Shop? I'll tell you what it is. Going out a week on Saturday, a bit like a... She's calling it a stendoo and it goes through me when she does. But you know, like... We're going out... I can stend. When did it be off if you keep calling her that? Stag and endo. So we're all just going to town for some drinks and she says, I want you to wear black.

3:30She's going to wear white. You know, it's a bit naff. So I messaged him saying, where do I get some black trousers from? You should have messaged me. So he sent me a link through and I just ordered them within three minutes. Didn't even really look at them. The message actually said, where did you get them black baggy trousers from? and if I just refer your mind back to when I first started wearing them, the amount of criticism. Yep. How old do you have to be before you stop wearing baggy trousers was one quote I remember. Who's the fellow, Jason Donovan, what was he on? Neighbours. He was. Might be the wrong fella.

4:12Used to wear baggy thingies and flares and that. Right. You mentioned him in the criticism. Right. How baggy is too baggy. I've had, and then my eyes lit up when I received this message. So where do you get these baggy trousers from? So basically, because they are actually really comfy, aren't they? You know, like if you wear some chinos. Right. And I've told you in the past, I struggle with my hips and that. So if I get some baggy trousers and that, it'll just be comfortable and not airy. Was this Katie's request? Black. The baggy trousers as well? No. Did you say baggy trousers? I just, I just, but I don't know where to shop now.

4:54So I just said, where did you get them from? And he sent me a link and I bought them straight away. You do know where to shop because you got a full wardrobe from Arne, if you remember. Yeah, but. They do a classic standard fit Taylor Chino. But you want it baggy. I want it baggy, John. You want it baggy. What I wanted is. Look, his sugs over here. Comfort. Because Chinos can get a bit, especially when you don't wear pants. They are baggy though. They're like, MC, I'm a job then. Yeah. Is that wrong with them, Chris? but I was so happy sending that link. There you go, mate. Lots of compliments.

5:27Did you? Yeah. Moving with the times, John. And to be fair, two out of three kids said, yeah, I like them. Did he wear them on the sidelines? Yeah, I'd like to see a pair of shorts. It was 29 degrees. No, but they're not because they're hairy. They are. They're hairy. It was hot. Yeah. But yeah, not one word. I didn't even say I did actually I did actually because what we called again being assistant manager Tony Tony Tony went look lads it's a charity match obviously nobody wants to get hurt or whatever like look after you like and I when we went on the pitch just before the start of the game I went look I know what Tony said about pull out of challenges and all that and whatever I says don't fucking listen to him the ball's there to be won go and fucking win it lads so that was my rallying call no he wasn't he was sub people have read thousands and he was Johnny was sat down and one of the lads one of the fundraisers was like yeah just need a bit of a talk from the gaffer he was half joking but half being serious thinking there's going to be because John Ryan did it last year and he did a bit of a talk and gee and the lads up and obviously tongue in cheek maybe felt a bit out of place me being the manager because I'm obviously not a manager am I didn't really want to go in I didn't want to go in and like make it all about me yeah that's not my that's not my sort of thing but Dion's not a manager Dion did a good job of managing their team Dion didn't have a striker like fucking Chris Brown up front did he so the organiser Martin walked past us when I was first after he went I put you on the bench John could take great pleasure in telling you you're on the bench.

7:21I cheer his mate, sound. So we'll start the game. We went 3-1 up. Anyway, half-time it's 3-all. And I got a 57, 58-year-old... What was his name again? So you know what I mean, Chris. You don't even know your players' names? Bold, morbidly obese striker on first half. scored me two goals right I didn't want to take him off he was a handful I didn't want to take him off right but I've been given the team sheets and I told Tony to then tell people that they're going to he'd had to play didn't he at some point so as I got three all I've took my team off at half time put the second team on lost 5-3 never looked like scoring second half never looked like scoring it was honestly one of the worst centrefold performances I've ever seen at one point I thought is he tied his shoelaces together like stumbling do you know what if I could analyse my own performance for a second I played it four years right and I missed a hatful last year but I was a threat still right yeah I still felt like getting about the place Yeah, I still felt quite sharp.

8:45I felt like I did a lot of good things in the build-up Saturday. First ball came, I was seeing three moving balls coming towards her. I'm being serious here. And I think I've taken a touch and I just didn't know what to do. I was like, anyway, I lost the ball. And that carried on. I was like, I am not enjoying it. You know when people say legs have gone, your mind's telling your feet what to do that's exactly how it was was your head still knew what you needed to do but your body wasn't doing it I've got to kick it pass up inside first time and I've just that's one of my strengths when I'm manager this is what happens when I'm manager when I see he didn't see anything in the changing room after about 25 minutes I'm fucking keeled over because it was again 30 degrees blown out my arse I'd just say, yeah, Chris, Chris, the goals have dried up, haven't they?

9:48I just felt like, fuck off. To be fair, Matty Blair got a bit. Matty Blair got a bit of abuse off the sideline. But, yeah, I can't work with players like that. Me and Tony. See, I think you'd struggle with distilling positivity within the team. you'd be you'd be good at when a man's down just drag him even further down telling people the shit and this is genuine you're good at that in a good way telling people the shit and this is this is genuine so these fundraisers are massive Doncaster fans or massive United fans never been professional footballers and I was speaking to to one of them before and he was like I love the the fundraising and I love everything about it the worst bit is the game he went I'm absolutely shitting myself.

10:39I got, we met, because they do it properly. They meet at the hotel. They get dropped off there. They have the team photographs as if it's like a cup final. They get their team bus into the ground. There's hundreds of people outside clapping them off the bus and it's the life of a footballer. Yeah. And they said, as soon as that whistle goes, I'm just a shitting dog. And that's, I was like, yeah, we've got a party there. Ready to lift us up. He was being serious. He was like, honestly. I don't know how you do it. I felt a bit of a fraud like, you know, when I got there and people asking for photos and signatures and that, I felt a bit like a fraud.

11:15There was a lot of podcast fans there, weren't there? I only played four or five games for Donny, didn't I? Right, I see what you mean from that perspective. Well, yeah. Chris, you know, I'm not like that. But, definitely one of, well. Public figure, John. The worst. They're your words, not mine. The worst performance I've ever seen. But what memory smile to myself inside is, he's got to the point now where he's started getting frustrated. He's tried taking somebody on, right? You know, like at school when you get the ball, you try dribbling past 12 players. And he's kicked it out of play and half stumbled.

11:59I didn't kick it out of play. It went hard to play. It didn't. Went for a goal kick. It didn't. Well, did you stumble over? and got to the end of the ball and it was one of them tackles I think it was Bardsley came across and just kind of thingied it away but that was a good run I reckon if you're going to tell a story John get your facts I thought I'd gone out of play oh he's starting to get pissed off right so the run was probably 30 yards and I reckon for the last 18 of them it was basically just trying to stop his centripping up it was a slip I'd done him I'd slipped I'd turned on a stumble it was a slip you're running that fast momentum gets better yeah it's only a matter of time before something goes wrong somebody goes over I'm going to be in the boots I change boots did you ever like were there any moments where like you did something alright and then you're like I'm redeeming myself now had a good chance I had half probably a quarter chance a really good chance made a lovely connection from post yeah over so you needed a golden didn't you?

13:05Yeah. I don't even think that would have redeemed it if I'm fairly honest. I'll go as far as to say he'll not get invited next year. If it were that bad he'll not get invited next year. Flippin' wanted five minutes injury time. Ask him for a little dump truck. Little dump truck? By the way fucking hell. He hoped to get out 12.5 by Anderson. You're not jabbing him off? He's a big old fuck. No. I'm not going to insult people Chris. He's a fat little bastard. I couldn't believe what I was hitting. The lads were on, especially our team, because I think James Coppinger played 70-odd, and our performance went even more downhill.

13:43And we just wanted, the game was done. Mentally, physically, everything gone. And you've got Anderson going, five minutes more, ref. You're probably thinking it's like, I could burn some more calories in five. A calorie burner. What about the wedding suit? Now you've gone with the baggies, nothing changing on the... No, you've been there today, though, haven't you? Get to it today. I'm not fitted today, yeah. Yeah. yeah how did that go no it's ever just simple is it

14:15this is my cousin's getting married next year and she went for one of them uh said yes to the dress oh yeah oh get all the family down it was together it was a celebration yeah a bit of bonding a day out yeah which you thought would be the case i've died when i did uh my mates we all the groomsmen and best men and everything that had a day in manchester got the fitting yeah kilts and that and then went for a few drinks just one last bit of bond you've had the stag get the suit fitting yeah so anyway last week i messaged him again saying um tuesday i'll um i think we're down london the afternoon but i'll come come over early and we'll get we'll get the suit fit yeah yeah yeah sound no bother and he messaged last night and I knew he's dropping a shoulder here when are you coming when are you going to get your suit fitted tomorrow I was like I can come whenever basically saying just give us a time and I'll meet you there let me know when you want to be there and again he disarmed himself from the situation I said right just send us the name of the shop and then I'll again I'll meet you there Frank Bird stuck it in my Google Maps and noticed there was one in Wakefield so by this point I know he's not coming so I thought rather than drive to Barnsley drive to Barnsley and then drive back because we're getting the train from Wakefield I thought it would be ideal I said well they open at half nine I'll ring them and I'll sort it out I'll see if they can send the measurements across or whatever he rings us bang on half nine this morning have you managed to speak to them no John they don't open till half nine I was just getting ready to leave I'll ring them en route he says right Sam I said where are you I'm just on my way back from the garden centre he says alright I've got some plants to pot in the back garden Katie's dad was there he says alright so I've headed to Wakefield gone to Frankie Bird and he asked us questions that I didn't know the answer like you know the suit that you're getting made I said all the information I've been the basics the basics which suit is it yeah he said it's a tuxedo he's like all right okay so I get upstairs and he gets it on and all that and he went are you wearing a waistcoat I went let us ring him so I thought you'd have thought he'd been on call wouldn't you at least to take a call on important information like knowing that i was on my own yeah trying to find it no answer on the phone he's botted plants isn't he and a message 10 minutes later did you get so there's that many tight spelling errors you get sorted at wakey with an I yeah it was a good time to go air well though I needed to know if you were wearing a waistcoat sorry I was cutting the grass

17:31is it that you don't want to be no I don't need to be there do I I've done my I've got my sense of it do you know what it is it's responsibility I don't go well with responsibility which is why you've cut grass no that's subconscious that's subconscious but potting plants the other day I'm a potting plant I can't do that with potting plants but you know what that's one thing I didn't enjoy about Mistag did you get it all sorted I got it sorted have you got a waste coat no he was ringing the shop Barnsley shop to find out you know like on Mistag do I hated it people saying oh what we're doing what's I was like enter clue mate I just went with that answer every time Are we going down the end of the club?

18:15I just don't like this spot. I don't like organizing shit. I mean, it could all just think when you turn up, you might be like, bloody dumb and dumber. It'd be good crack, wouldn't it? Funny. Yeah, I mean, as long as it's good crack, that's all I'm bothered about. Yeah. What time you coming over tomorrow? I just don't like organizing shit. Because I get stuff wrong. So many times I've booked trains for wrong days. just avoiding I say it to her making the wrong decision I say it to her when she she gets on about it being fucking useless you know at house like fixing something and all like that I say look my talents lie in other fields I'm not you know if that breaks I can't fix that right and I'm not bothered about attempting to fix it because I know I can't I'm shit at DIY like you're not bad are you I'm not too bad If you can't do it, you can teach yourself to do it.

19:13Watch on YouTube. I don't want to. If there's someone to wear a washing machine, I'll get a washing machine man here. Yeah. So. Give it to someone who knows what they're doing. Yeah, I don't go. I'm going for a suit fitting. That's just like, that's basics. I've got no. It is. It's just phone call. Right. All right. This is what we're having. Actually, you've got an email like there that tells you exactly what you're having. I'm parked in the streets of Wakefield. Frankie Bird on me thingy like is it that way I don't like I don't like just basic life organisation that I don't like it like I said my talents my talents line other fields when I heard I'm just on my way back from the garden so they were like she's saying oh you should be able to do that I says I tell you what then you'll get fucking Bob the Builder to stand up in front of fucking 300 people on his own and make them laugh or try and I said I bet fucking Bob can't do that you might not to put a desk together sound yeah in front of fucking 300 pissed up fellas fuck off that's where my talents um maybe bitter teller lies and to I mean entertaining I'm not a fixer you don't you have to do three email in it and say it's a waste code just I probably should have known that I'll hold me hands up I should know if he's got a waistcoat or not it's always Chris gone for his face.

20:35Yeah, yeah. Just putting your phone under a cushion and then going, mow it grass so you don't have to deal with it.

20:46Never be the same again. My pal, he's gone straight in here, no introduction or nothing. My pal, let's call him Kev because that's his name. We're in our 40s now and he's been seeing the same lass since we left school. They'd been together about five years when she caught him shagging about so inevitably she fucked him off after a few months all was forgiven and she decided to give him one more go one night they're sat in the house and he's giving her all the patter about how he's glad she gave him another chance and how much he's missed her blah blah blah and she turns and says i'm so glad we're back together too i met someone in the time that we were apart but his cock was massive and it used to hurt me when we had sex absolutely fucking killed me haha that's it that's the end that's gotta be a PC I think she's I think she's done that stick it knife in yeah she just I think she's thought she's saying that what what what how can I hurt him back a little bit and to be fair good riddance and all she needs to give it give him a bit back yeah yeah you made your bed you might need to lie in it yeah but I won't lie to you them words I'm glad we're back together as well yeah he's cocked we're too big he's too big yeah that's just that's just a flippant throw away but knows what she's doing yeah yeah yeah I think yeah take that with a pinch of salt be gone can you remember when you read an email out about a hot wife it was down south in Wickham yes and you said you mentioned a previous email from the swingers yeah well she's been in touch not a hot wife hello again boys boys as if we're like as if we're like little a little projects it's the swindon swingers from redden please keep us anonymous as always we love meeting you at Swindon.

22:54Great night and can't wait for more shows. Abroad would be good. Wink. Oh, yes. Thought I'd give you an update after Parky remembered us last week and thought we might be the hot wife couple playing in High Wickham. That is not us. It's close, I think, isn't it? Swindon High Wickham. I am not a hot wife, although being a wife would be nice. No idea who that was, but it seems this swinging community is much bigger than we ever expected. We took your advice and went for it. What was our advice? Must have been good advice, whatever it was. We're swinging. After some messaging, we went and met another couple for a social to see how we felt, and the attraction of naughtiness was there.

23:42First time was just playing together, but the second time it was a full swap. So there must have been saying they want to get another couple involved. Right. We've said, fill your boots. Yeah. Crack on. So the first meet, them two have just had sex and other couples just had sex, so they've just been in the same vicinity. And then the second time... Swapskies changed, kids. It was pretty erotic, and we are glad we experienced it. It's difficult finding normal, decent people. There's so many weirdos out there and so many undatables. Harsh but true, she said. We are still on the site, searching around to see if we can meet any other couples, or ideally women.

24:23God bless you

24:27Is that a bit creepy? A little bit Far too creepy Hoping to get To a party night Even if we don't play Just to watch and look Obviously we are open To meeting a hot wife Are there any out there? You could set up A Friday Match made in heaven club What? She wants us Line them up? I think she wants us To line them up Chris well there's any yeah anybody down in the High Wycombe area or want some bloke come round and shag you anyway don't knock it until you've tried it yes yeah on that Chris you're always an advocate for that yeah I don't think it'd be for me though the swinging no me neither but you'd like it just a thought we might be lucky to see you at the World Cup we'll let you know where we are etc and we can meet for a drink keep up the gut work up the cosh so they're going to World Cup are they?

25:26going to World Cup surely America you can have a bash over there pineapples rife by all accounts I don't I think there'd be too much distraction for me what do you mean? you know I'd be constantly like you know should we be having a better time and then that'd affect my performance I think I'd just be like Tasmanian devil. Clamping boobs. Yeah. Just like loads of everything, all of it. Oh, there's another, there's another. Honk, honk. I'd be like, as a young single lad, I think I'd be like a fucking, a young pup, just like, oh, but imagine like parties, because everybody at that party knows what they're signing up to.

26:17Yeah. You know, like, and they put the masks on and stuff. Could be in a room like this, couldn't they? Just having a drink and that. A drink and then nibbles. Should we nip through? Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's get in. What kind of nibbles do you have at a swinging party? Not odorous ones. No. No cheese and shives. Cheetos. They can't be finger food, surely. Do you think they just get their head in a bowl? There's got to be knives and forks. Knives and forks got to be involved. Yeah. Put a lasagna in there before, eh? So it tastes really nice. you'd be a big hit you'd work them with good snap like that yeah with a tray bake yeah oh depending on what time of year you could put a little ensemble in slow cooker stew yeah that's where you could you know make sure you get invited every time just the fact that you're the one that brings the top notch yeah the mainstay yeah oh is Big John coming who made the beef stew of course he's coming hey brings a tray break every time he's been cooking since Monday yeah you can get a name for yourself pretty quickly i think the new potatoes he brought last week oh what's his nickname the chef

27:29you could be like a legend i've just sat there sat there got a little spatula but i tell you what sat there with blue balls but i've got lasagna bloated yeah just full of beef you enjoy that yeah not too many carbs either you don't want to be getting melted you do want to be one of my specialties a chicken curry oh no you don't want a curry fill her in bigger fill her in here catch you'd be an absolute hero yeah just sat there you'd have a big chair Just walking round with them. Oh, I'll be there. Yeah, Big John's going. Dre with the mango chutney, the mint on. Just taking it around. Mango? Bit of mango?

28:16We're good at them? Yeah. Oh. We went one last week. He brought hot towels. We couldn't believe it. Not getting a look in with his head. Everybody fucks him off. That's why not even take me clothes off. I'm friend-zoned. I go dressed as that fucking Barrow Man. You know that chef? just just a pinny a pinny blue white striped your eyes and with a match chef at yeah but smorgasbord's to die for yes oh so they were in America well if they were in New York they'll come to our show yeah yeah well I tell you what we'll have a swinging room it back in love with my best mates brother what What happens when you fall in love with your best mate's brother and it all goes peat-ong?

29:11It's January this year. And instead of meeting up with my best mate, I'm driving down the beach to meet her older brother instead. Cold. I'm on the beach as cold in January. He introduced me to your podcast and we are in stitches listening away getting closer and closer. I've never laughed so much and enjoy being in someone's company like I do with him. I've not been in a good relationship for, well, I don't know when. But am I crossing a line? It's my best mate's brother after all. It feels so right. And in the end, one thing leads to another and the deed is done. I feel so happy. Finally, life feels the best it's been relationship-wise for years.

29:59I can just be me. Feel safe and golly. I know I must be doing something right. But life also brings chaos and instead of it working out, suddenly my number's blocked. And I'm listening every Friday to the podcast alone again. We've hooked up a couple of times since and it's just fireworks. But then it's the same again. Numbers blocked and left not knowing what's going on. My heart doesn't know how to feel. so my question is do I just wait it out and see the right person wrong time or have I read it so wrong basically I don't want a bit better of bad news love but it seems to me like he's just happy getting back in touch when he wants his rocks off the blocks are funny one isn't it yeah extreme see I don't think there's a problem we seeing your best mate's brother.

31:00No, there's no issue there. If both parties are up for it, then you tell your mate, then I'm sure she'd be happy. Grown people. Yeah. But would she, you know, if she speaks to her brother and says, oh yeah, we just have sex now and again, which is what she's going to hear from him. Yeah, we just, I think she will be fuming with a friend. A sister will be fuming. Because it's nothing more than sex. from his perspective but it is from her perspective yeah but she's only going to get one side of the story from her brother from her brother yeah we so then I feel sorry for her because she's obviously hoping it went further more than that yeah I think there's only one yeah I've as we've said many times have the conversation just say what's good are we just having sex or what's crap yeah and then you know then you're not you're not in the dark I think I know the answer yeah I think he's whenever he's wanting to have bitter sex he knows that he can get in contact with you and you go around and there's fireworks and then once that's done it puts the block on and then so for me just totally fuck him off yeah it's all part of the fantasy and eat your sister's finish mate I'm just trying to think oh doing it again what is that You're a little mast.

32:24No, I'm not going to erection. My belly's just pulling my T-shirt up. It's horrible, isn't it? Yeah. Do you want me to fetch you some jabs? Everything's all fitting. Do you want me to get you some jabs? No, I don't want jabs. I'll just... Fucking hell. Do you want me to fetch you some clothes? I know, I'm going to need some new clothes. Do you want me to fetch you some? Sorry, go on. What's your attic? Yeah, he's just... He's thinking... His sister's mate. Unless he's got... We might be jumping the gun here. He might have other stuff going on. he might have someone he's split up with or he might be in the same situation.

32:57They keep putting the block. It's the block. They don't need for the block. Is he battling guilt himself? Yeah, maybe. For sleeping with his sister's friend? Maybe. Get the cards on the table. Yeah. It's the only way. It's the only way. Everybody knows where they stand. And then if he says, look, for me it's just sex, I'll just say, right, Sam, well, if you're happy with that, fine. If you're not, say, well, I can't see you on with him. Yeah, hopefully he's honest. we alluded to it a little bit briefly last week but one of our cast members has got a really really big pile any hemorrhoid I've seen the photo I didn't really want to see the photo but it was thrust in my face yeah and I said this to him to you

33:48well it's up there with the biggest fear that hemorrhoid Achilles like you know when you think pray to God I didn't know and then I saw him this morning and

34:03so I think is it a plea for help advice yeah what's what's the best thing to do for a hemorrhoid yeah I mean my brother's chipped in with a bit has he had them before yeah he's had not end up needing an operation you're popping back in yeah that was a bit of his advice hot bath yeah yeah well you up to it knuckle yeah well you up to it knuckle can you feel when it's gone back in so it's not on show anymore so you just you're just pushing it yeah you're only pushing it it's like you're just pushing it to the yes when you ever shit it's just over there you get right oh yeah you've got to push it right up yeah i'll do it for you i i don't mind doing that what name do you throw in when you're doing cockney rhyming slang for piles farmer farmer giles ashley giles no quicker yeah i read on internet so far to a bit of research what is the main cause of piles and due to the British Medical Council statistically 67 % of emeroids raise their ugly head due to excessive forceful pegging not my words the British Medical council.

35:31So if you've been into that game, Matthew, you've only got yourself to blame. For me, it was a case of just, you have a shit and think, ooh, yeah. I felt uncomfortable. And then, well, really uncomfortable. And then that's doing... A bit of a rummage. In a public toilet? Has it just dropped out like on oof as you're walking about?

36:01It's big as well. Have you seen it? I fucking am, Dave. I think we shall have a minute's silence. That's horrific. I know exactly how you feel. What you're thinking. It goes through you? Yeah, stuff like that. Stuff that's not supposed to be there. I don't know if it's better or bad news, but I think once you've got them... It just keeps happening. Yeah, you're plagued with them then. Pretty much just got a tail constantly. Yeah. Oh, God. They'll get to a point where you just get used to it and you'll just be like, just sticking piles back in again before you nip out. You never know if it's clean or not.