Friday Club | Babs & Barry

6:48Babs:It's closer than Syria. I won't eat no Maltese food neither, but Maltesers.

6:57Babs:So, yeah, so I'm not eating now. So you crack on and if you come back with fucking malaria and that, you're done. We need to speak about this penny pinching on these trips. Fucking Jesus Christ. So when we go on these away days and whatever, we like to dress up and order some fancy dress and that. So we're looking through the other day and we'll, I mean, I can say this, can't I, because it's going to be after, but two zookeepers and a lion between us. We're in Africa, aren't we? There was a perfectly good lion there on Amazon. Couldn't ask for any more. And then he went, but we could do with a better tail and a better, We want a mask, don't we?

7:44Babs:So he's had a scroll down. It was an extra 80 quid, I think it was. Oh, yeah, perfect. We'll order that. So you've gone from 20 quid to 100 quid straight away. For a lion. Click of a finger just because I had a long tail. So anyway, get a message later on that night. Just sorting out luggage. We've got them small cases, easy Ryanair thingy. We've got one of them, and you've got your own little rucksack each. and would you mind if we spread out all of our clothes amongst it so we don't have to get another case? I feel like we've just spent 150 quid on a fucking lion and two zookeepers in your scrimping.

8:21Babs:On clothes that we're actually going to wear. We're staying for three nights. We need our own. I know you like to wear the same clothes. It doesn't affect me. I know. That's why I put it in group. It's easy when you wear one pair of jeans and one shirt.

8:36Barry:I've got a toothbrush and a bar of soap. That's all I've got in my bag. It's the principle of it. It costs like 90 quid for taking suitcase. And then we've got two flights coming back. So that's 90 quid, 90 quid.

8:48Babs:But I will wear the lion outfit again. We will spend three figures on a fucking lion with a pullover heed. With a nice tail. And then we're sat outside flipping check-in desks, separating our clothes amongst three cases.

9:02Barry:The rewards of a lion outfit are fantastic. Binoculars. He bought his book in binoculars and a fancy dress. I ain't got no fucking deodorant in,

9:13Babs:but we've got some dinoculars.

9:16Barry:And it's coming home as well that we haven't got the case. We can leave, like, lying. We can give it to someone.

9:22Babs:What, a zebra or something? Just so it can camouflage. When that screenshot landed in the group, the smallest suitcase in the world, has everybody got one of these?

9:31Barry:I thought, we can drop it in one of them clothing banks. Can you imagine where they're going through?

9:43Babs:what's the safest way to stay away from lions dress up as a lion so yeah hopefully we've had a good time over there anyway fucking frozen though innit I never thought I'd be going to Africa and be wearing it no I thought I'd be wearing just like a straw skirt thing that's a new jacket by the way not I've read it in a while have you? yeah I haven't seen it before you like it yeah it's like the semi semi puffer with sleeves half a puff

10:11Barry:half a puff but it's got sleeves because it looks like a gilet you'd be mistaken of thinking it was a gilet

10:18Babs:yeah I can't believe it's not a gilet one of them yeah like butter

10:23Barry:talking of food I had a freaking nightmare over there cooking January you know healthy healthy I was making like a baked chicken chorizo spinach passata garlic it was looking good and then I thought right a bit like a shakshuka i'm gonna put two eggs on top stick it in oven perfect but i put all my eggs literally in one basket at home i get them delivered every week stick them in and there must have been one egg that's just been avoided being picking up for months and months and months it's like you get one out and then this one slipped at bottom i'd spent about 45 minutes an hour making this meal cracked the egg it would just black have you smelt a rotten egg oh scrape on top of it gone scrap couldn't eat any fucking rotten eggs

11:17Babs:I'm reaching for a spoon and going for the scrape no five second rule

11:20Barry:if you just smelt that egg no chance

11:23Babs:what did you have then just a chip here no I went

11:26Barry:I went I made it again but without the egg

11:27Babs:it took you like nearly two hours to make it

11:30Barry:in the phrase there is a life lesson

11:34Babs:don't put all your eggs in one basket why didn't you chuck the rotten one out like before if it's been there for ages i've misheard that does just keep getting fair they all do look a lot similar don't they yeah i suppose so i put all my eggs in i put my eggs in and then i'll throughout the week

11:51Barry:i'll eat them and then i'll get another delivery put them in all right that's some basics one egg

11:58Babs:has just never been chosen see we're not we're not posh naughty bastards in ours we buy our eggs from supermarket yeah I just keep mining them boxes that you get delivered I get

12:08Barry:them from from Alf the old the farmer who lives up the road he comes and drops

12:13Babs:them off supporting the local community job how much it costs for a dozen and

12:18Barry:you actually put them in a basket yeah yeah so when you get your new eggs and

12:33Babs:you've still got some of your old eggs put your new egg box underneath and your older egg box on

12:38Barry:top so you take them out of box do you leave them at fridge no right outside your exit fridge

12:46Babs:no not mainly see our eggs are always in fridge no because i did i used to and then someone said all the smell if you know if there's bad smells coming from the fridge let's see if you put a meal in and have it the day after all the smell goes into the egg so the eggs taste of the food oh so that's a fact for you so the the eggshell don't stop the outcome no oh the taste yeah it's like this what about if you've left the meal for the next like a Chinese you know how you Chinese you put it in fridge for tomorrow so the shell doesn't protect no fight like you're your clothes on an egg still fucking stink an egg chasing a chicken curry or something I had a kebab Saturday out of nowhere what they just crept that one us what do you mean sober I was sober you were just walking home and oh kebab no because I've been trying to eat alright and then don't mind if I do I said I said I said

13:47Barry:fucking hell

13:48Babs:I was like

13:49Barry:it's a bastard kebab

13:50Babs:on me lap I can't remember how it happened but I went from eating healthy to large donna large chips garlic just happened did you have the pitta yeah nan I went nan by the way I'm fuming about this I mean I said know what you have to say about it and I didn't know this but apparently you can get a jab to that makes you lose your appetite or summers right oh killer man yeah is it a lemon gyro yeah well I've got a zen beck here but I didn't apparently you don't have to exercise you just have these jobs and then the weight drops off you yeah but anyway seen the thing on news weight loss jobs force Greg's to change up the menu the fucking assholes lazy bastards ruining it for everybody that's me favorite restaurant well restaurant do they have one in morocco i wonder i won't even trust the tuna crunch in morocco i'm going straight to golden arches so are they going healthy option salad so what what's changing i don't know they're sure they're just making a different menu i think they're going to they'll probably keep the uh the stables do you think they'll keep the sausage cheese and bean they'll keep the cheese and onion, they'll keep the steak baked, the pizzas and all that.

15:17Babs:It might just be a smaller pizza. Yeah, maybe.

15:22Barry:Do you eat less?

15:25Babs:Apparently. I knew nothing about it, but... So they're doing a... Is it a stomach shrink or something? How does it work? I think it's just like an appetite suppressant, I believe. Yeah. So you chuck it in once a week, sometimes Monday mornings. chuck it in and then you just don't seem to feel hungry i believe right if i know somebody quite close to me who's been on it for just two months in a week he's had his like four jabs at 2.5 what's 2.5 how do you know all this how do you know all this like numbers and details I sit with him in pub after a month your body's used to it so you go up to 5mg I think you can get up to 12.5 or something I'm assuming the first 6 weeks you don't lose anything well he's lost 2 stone has he?

16:24Babs:in 2 months no exercise? he'll have had sex down again

16:34Barry:probably

16:34Babs:probably he's got three he's got three dogs and also he probably takes them out for a walk does he do it it was christmas he's never said if it hurt so it was christmas and all apparently we're ill was he yeah that flu yeah that big bad flu so yeah so apparently he's he's got a big do in july and he's loose from timber for it what kind of big do like getting married or something I think he is actually yeah I think the boy is he's got the stag do as well then he's going to he's going to have to get it all shifted he's got the stag do is he a big football fan as well he's going to Portugal he's got the stag do and then he's got to he's going away with work believe it or not our own fortunate is this for him he's going away with work for three weeks to America like the month before his wedding he needs

17:30Barry:he needs all the help he can get then

17:31Babs:he needs more than the 2.5 I think it's time for a ramp up 12.5 before we know it he needs snookers so what he said to me at pump all the day his thought process is so he needs to if he wants to be at like say 17 and a half stone he's saying I want to be at 16 and a half stone before I go to before he goes to it was only a matter of time before he goes to America then he can have a good fucking kick at Wally Vegas right yeah well genuinely though how do you feel like there's a I'm happy for him well you look better like the timber's dropping off I'm pleased for him as well you know you don't give a fuck you don't even know him he's my mate you fucking idiots I'm pleased for him

18:20Barry:no he's got his goals hasn't he it probably makes him probably makes him feel better

18:26Babs:lazy bastard I'll pass on your

18:29Barry:regards

18:29Babs:I'll pass on your weldings on that. He'll be wearing all the clothes that he couldn't fit into as well, is he? Apparently he had loads of fucking addicts that he couldn't get into, yeah. He still can't get into them yet. MG half-G layers and that. Do you reckon he'd get into a large lion suit? When he gets some binoculars round his neck.

18:53Babs:I'll tell you what he can do. He can get all these clothes into one of them fucking small bags now.

19:03Babs:I'll keep you updated on his progress I think he's lost two stone in two months Right For Christmas and all I think he's done fucking fantastic He won't mind you speaking about it on a national podcast No, no, he's a good lad I can't say his name It's not the Sproud fella, is it? No! Okay, no It's nice, it doesn't hurt

19:24Barry:What's your opinion on it, though? A bit, obviously, about his mate About your mate are you just happy for him you don't think he's yeah because Steve Evans

19:33Babs:do I want to use the word fraud the thing is he's not one of them that's in denial you know because Steve Evans lost all that weight like you had a lot to say yeah did he call him a

19:45Barry:well that's what I mean personally I think anybody who's on jabs I'm happy if it makes them feel better about themselves if they may be struggling shift it brilliant but I don't know what your opinions on these things are so that's why I'm asking your opinion not mine I'm really happy for it you almost put yourself in his shoes yeah I want to know your opinion because usually I think you'd fraud cheat fat conned yeah lazy that's the kind of the thing with my mate is

20:18Babs:he used to be really fit back in there but he he could lose the weight yeah if he wanted to You know, like the mainstream way, the exercise and the diet. I think he's proved it in past. But he just can't be fucking arsed.

20:35Barry:Because, I mean, losing weight's easy, isn't it? The principle. Lower your calories, lower your carbs. Move more. Do some exercise. The only issue is it's hard work. It's easy, but it's hard.

20:48Babs:Well, he's in a bit of a bad situation because he had a new knee over the year. so it's affected his ability to exercise well that changes everything doesn't it Chris you know that John boy I know that's why I'm so supportive to him send an hour of regards anyway wish him all the best in his journey

21:05Barry:he can't do any exercise did Operation Go Wrong or something?

21:09Babs:is he bed bound?

21:10Barry:wouldn't he like?

21:13Babs:he's never done treadmill but he's fantastic on a pirate ship

21:16Barry:well just keep us updated

21:18Babs:I will let you know how he's going but I'll send a photo of him and see if he's looking well.

21:24Barry:Perfect. Are we having a dip?

21:26Babs:Yeah, have a dip, Chris.

21:28Barry:Right, chaps, are you ready for this? Smelly Germans and armed cops. All right, lads, love the pond. I've got a story for you from 1996 that still haunts me 30 years later. I shit you not, every word of this is true. I actually won FHM Reader's Story of the Month with the shortened version back in the day 120 quid felt like a million at the time would you ever a purchaser of the fhms what else with the zoo maxim no i wasn't actually

22:01Babs:mellow was one of those are frustrating that's when i looked for them when mellow were on them uh they used to frustrate me because i think well pay two pound fifty foot fhm or three pound fifty He thought Reena's wives, hot razzle or something, and I'd get too funny. I'm like, well, I might just spend another quid, ain't I?

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23:08Barry:Choose from creamy chipotle or jalapeno honey mustard. Well, there we go. Life still full of choices. The new crispy chicken crunch wrap slider. A brand new classic. Only at Taco Bell. And participate in U.S. Taco Bell locations for limited time and while supplies last. Kraft Mac and Cheese is better than 90s hip-hop. We'll remind you of your childhood without making you feel incredibly old. Kraft Mac and Cheese. Best thing ever. Anyway, get your tags into this baller. What's that mean? Thanks. Bit of a long one, but I swear it's worth it. In 96, I was an 18-year-old squadron stationed in Germany.

23:49Barry:I was driving the ultimate King Dick motor, a three-door Rover 214 SEI. Remember him? Yeah. Is that a good one?

23:58Babs:It was a bit sort of MR2-ish looking. Right. Escort... Ford Escort MRI? MR2? MRI just lift bonnet up have a look inside what I'm thinking of yeah like an MRI not an MRI well carry on

24:17Barry:it had scorpion boy racer exhaust 16 inch alloys brackets massive back then and a 1.4 litre engine pumping out a terrifying 105 brake horsepower top motor or so I thought my dad told me it was reliable my dad was a liar and knew sod all about cars it's December the 20th and the block is buzzing because we're heading home for Christmas leave naturally after a few drinks we decide to shave our heads into interesting styles I being the resident bellend opted for the white Mr T I ended up with a mohawk that made me look less like an A-team legend and more like a neo-nazi extra from Romper Stomper

25:05Babs:who was the guy who had Chelsea a wedding Portuguese lad played for Liverpool

25:11Barry:Morel Morel Morel aware that I had a 600 mile drive ahead and didn't want to get arrested or punched I found the only head where I had a 90s jester ski hat I remember them they were like a bob hat but it was jester and bells on end no you know the ones I don't flappy bits bells look like you've lost a bet at a circus Yep, I wore that I set off for Derbyshire Foo Fighters blasting on the cassette player Feeling like a god 20 miles in, the wipers slow down The stereo dies And the rover gives up the ghost On the hard shoulder of Route 2 It's tanking it down I'm 18 And this is pre-mobile phones He's in a pickle, isn't he?

26:02Barry:Fuck it, not half I find a grimy service station run by a bloke who looked like he hadn't seen a shower since the fall of the wall. I'm looking at one of them. I'm stood in a phone box, frantically shoving Deutschmarks into the slot to call green flag. I'm wearing the jester hat to hide the Mohawk, looking like a total clown, trying to explain my situation while pouring money into the machine. They tell me help is an hour away. An hour later A German recovery driver turns up He's about 70 Grease under his fingernails Skin like an old glove He speaks zero English Though through the universal language Of aggressive hand signals He tells me to get in the rover While he winches it onto the flatbread Flatbread Flatbed I just can't stop thinking about food can I?

26:57Barry:Sorted Oh so I thought So there I am sat in the car suspended a foot and a half off the ground on these skinny metal rails suddenly the signals stop five minutes go by ten minutes I start hearing truckers beeping I'm a short arse so I have to basically fall out of the car door to get down to see what the old twat's up to I walk around the front and the old lad is flat on his back white as a sheet with blood pouring out of his nose and ears. This does not look fucking good. Not one bit.

27:35Babs:Not back to malaria, that.

27:37Barry:Panic. Absolute squaddy meltdown. I run into the service station cafe full of smelly German truckers wearing my jester hat screaming, Help! I think he's dead! They just stir at me. Who's this British circus act and why is he shouting? Next thing I know, the medical helicopter lands on the motorway and four police cars scream to a halt. Two coppers get out with firearms drawn, shout at me in German. I didn't have a clue what they were saying, but it was clear they were not to be fucked with. I'm shoved into the back of a police car, wearing a shitty Adidas tracksuit and my jester hat, convinced I'm going to spend the night in a German jail.

28:17Barry:The cops are screaming at me to take my hat off. I'm refusing because I know the moment they see a neo-Nazi mohawk, I'm done for. I'm 18 thinking I'm going to do bird in a German nick for a murder I didn't commit Eventually they realise I'm just a dumb kid and not a murderer And literally kick me out of the mortar They leave me at the side of the road with my half loaded rover on the back of a truck I go back to the phone box, heart hammering and call Green Flag again Yeah, hello? The man you sent to fix me rover He's died Green flag man I'm sorry what He's dead Can I have another truck please He puts me on hold And I shit you not The hold music starts playing Queen Who wants to live forever A second truck arrives The driver about 30 And he's bawling his eyes out Because the first guy was his colleague and possibly his grandad.

29:22Barry:He tows me to the barn in the middle of nowhere where about 15 relatives are gathered. All crying, they look at me, this English kid in a jester hat who's killed the grandad and basically fuck me off into the night. They literally throw me out the garage. I ended up walking down a German road in the dark with all my kit, eventually hitchhiking back to camp i had to fill out an incident form explaining why i was back from leave early insert my car broke down and the recovery man died the staff back at the camp were fucking loving it me not so much cherry on top my uncle had to write me a check for 250 pound for a new alternator which i'm convinced went towards the funeral fund and four weeks later i got a check in the post from green flag for£10.

30:14Barry:Why? Because the first driver, the one who had had a fatal heart attack, was over an hour late to the call out.

30:22Babs:At least they're keeping to protocol.

30:25Barry:The Rover lasted another six months before the head gasket blew and I sold it for peanuts. Still, to this day, I think about it. Shouldn't have shaved my head, should have ignored my dad's advice about the Rover and finally, I lost a fucking day's leave to that old bastard. Harsh, but true. All the best, lads. Keep up the airs podcast.

30:45Babs:Do you know what, right? The fear, the fact that you can't speak the language, I don't think we can look up with that. People are shouting you're in German. There's a corpse next to, there's a dead man next to your car, right? And you're there. With guns and all, they've got guns. Not knowing a word that they're saying. And you've got a jester hat on. He didn't take it off though, did he? No. There was no way he was taking that off.

31:09Barry:Fuck you. more hot and I took it off

31:12Babs:what when they've got a gun in your face so he got charged 250 quid no he had to get 250 quid sent from his uncle to get his car fixed to get a new alternator 20 quid back off FHM have you listened to any of this story Chris a tenner no he got a tenner off Green Flag 20 quid off FHM oh sorry yeah so he's only in for 220 innit yeah memories though oh yeah priceless they are memories you can't buy them can you

31:39Barry:Have you ever been stuck anywhere abroad?

31:42Babs:Not like that. Fucking hell, or once. We weren't stuck, well, but went to Barbados with first wife, right? And a day in, so it's his first, we've flown, and then the second day we're there, got the phone call saying, oh, she's, you need to get back as quick as possible. She's in hospital. You need to get back as quick as possible. Obviously, she's going to be. So no flights the next day. so I had to get a flight the next day. So we're stuck in Barbados, really. So I flew back from Barbados straight to intensive care unit and that. She was in for, like, I don't know, a month or two months or something like that.

32:20Babs:Fuck, I lived another five years. Another five bastard years she fucking lived. I'm a furious. I went to Barbados for three days. One of them were all, like, were travelling. Second day, we're in the hotel, obviously panicking to try and sort that game back. what the fucking five years mother-in-law live

32:40Barry:how long were you supposed to be there for two weeks two weeks

32:43Babs:ended up going to fucking pickering ended up going to pickering for three days the only chance we got in pre-season like off-season pickering and fucking up for three days a nice part of the world though oh yeah it's lovely it's not Barbados is it I can't get no Cajun shrimp in fucking pickering can I ah five or six years you fucking live

33:05Barry:I've got a stat for you lads Are you ready? Go on. Did you know that one in five men in the UK experience changes in sexual performance as they get older? One in five.

33:18Babs:I think mine's got better.

33:20Barry:It's not what I've heard. No. Well, John, MedExpress can provide support in minutes for their online free consultation. You've been quite vocal about your problems,

33:31Babs:but what I like about that is, I'm assuming it's private, on the computer, Filling the questionnaire. Yeah, because it can be embarrassing. Yeah, it's quite embarrassing. A bit nervy. Not nice if you go to the doctor and say, look, doctor, I can't do what I used to do.

33:44Barry:I'm struggling. Well, by completing just a short online consultation, they'll suggest the right treatment for you and settle your concerns. But, I mean, it could be erectile dysfunction. It could be premature ejaculation. That's one I think you mentioned. Don't point at me like that, Chris. That's one you mentioned.

34:00Babs:We'll be on these things, by the way, pointing like that.

34:03Barry:I'm stocked up. They've sorted me right out. So all from the comfort of your own home, you can get the advice and sort out the treatment that you might need, which is perfect, isn't it?

34:13Babs:Yep. But as I said before, MedExpress are there to give you private, confidential advice.

34:19Barry:And there's an offer in all, isn't there?

34:21Babs:There is an offer, Chris. Visit medexpress.co.uk to check your eligibility and get£30 off with the code COSH. that's medexpress m-e-d-e-x-p-r-e-double-s.co.uk to check your eligibility and get£30 off with the code COSH.

34:41Barry:That's£30 off any treatment that you might need.

34:44Babs:If you're looking for discreet and convenient professional guidance. That's the word, guidance. It's an investment, innit? Invest in yourself, Chris. Exactly. And the big man. I won't call him that. A slap in the face. Massive fan from the North East, blah blah blah, please keep me anonymous. The story a few weeks ago about the bloke who hid his hairpiece from his missus and the ensuing discussion of when you should tell your partner got me thinking about a story a co-worker once shared with me. A few years ago, my wife and I went out for drinks with my work team. Pints were flown and we got onto the topic of horror story first dates, one night stands.

35:31Babs:My middle-aged co-worker, who is gay, let's call him Jackson. Samuel or Michael? We'll go with Michael, eh? Yeah. Told us a story that had our jaws on the floor. Jackson said that in his single days, he was out at a gay bar and looking for a night of passion. He spied a handsome, tall and athletic fella across the bar. Worked his magic and soon the two were headed back to Jackson's apartment for some fun. My co-worker said that as things got hot and heavy, clothes were being pulled off, etc. But the other bloke insisted on keeping his shirt on. Not thinking much of it, Jackson decided to progress things and got on his knees, ready to give the other guy a blowjob, and that's when it hit him.

36:18And I mean, literally hit him. Something fleshy, sweaty and heavy bounced off Jackson's forehead.

36:27Babs:I know what you're thinking lads I know this bloke was not a white Pascal Chimbonda because that's what I was thinking what were you thinking yeah

36:36Barry:gets the big gets the trunction on top of the head

36:39Babs:what slapped Jackson in the face was what he described it belonged to Jabba the Hutt as Jackson had closed his eyes and pulled his lover's pants down his lover's

36:59Babs:the other bloke had removed his shirt and a secret corset that he had used to conceal masses of excess skin oh which he later shared were left over from a recent liposuction procedure

37:13Barry:oh yeah because you've got to think about that ain't you Have you got a corset?

37:19Babs:No, my mate has. We were in hysterics as Jackson has re-enacted the slap. But we bought his drinks for the rest of the night after he revealed that he still went through with a conquest. Good lad.

37:32Barry:With his skin resting on his head.

37:36Babs:Although Jackson decided to not call Jabba back after that night. Aw, poor Jabba. So it begs the question, lads. If you're allowed six months to tell your other half about wearing a syrup? How long do you give it to tell them you've got a few kilos of elephant skin being held in by your girdle? If you brought a lass back and this happened, what would you do? Is this different to other cosmetic enhancements that men and women regularly have done? Hope you enjoy this belt there. Up the fucking cosh. Wow.

38:07Barry:You're going to have to get your shirts off, haven't you?

38:09Babs:The gays are still the same, aren't they? Ennio's a goalie, dude. Yeah, he's gone through that, hasn't he?

38:14Barry:They've still walloped, aren't they? I think it's even easier for the homosexual male market. I think I've said this before, because how easy must it be if you're a gay man to go out and pull? There'd be another Arnie bloke out there, wouldn't there?

38:29Babs:Yeah, Martin Fulkeham. Who isn't fussy, just get it choked up.

38:33Barry:This is the thing. You know, if you've got... It works anyways, doesn't it? You could be a lady who's lost a load of weight, and you might have saggy breasts, and then you stick a Wonderbra on, and it's only natural whether you don't find it attractive or not or you can look past it.

38:50Babs:Would you still beat it? What?

38:53Barry:The bishop?

38:55Babs:No, would you... If you took a corset off...

38:58Barry:You're fucking there, aren't you? Would I still beat it?

39:04Babs:Michael Jackson, innit?

39:12Babs:Would you still shag it? We've got fucking, what's his name here? Richard Keyes. Yeah? Would you smash it? Would you smash it? That's a stupid question. Go around any night of the week. Richard Keyes here.

39:30Barry:Would you beat it?

39:34Babs:I feel as though I need to make an Andy Gray type comment.

39:37Barry:Black or white, I'd have a go.

39:41Babs:Do you know what? If you've got any gay listeners, You know when you're in a gay bar? Gay bar. Gay bar. Because there's some that prominently techers, isn't there? And some that prominently givers. So can the gay fella who's a giver, can he identify a tecker? I reckon so.

40:03Barry:Or do you reckon the... What's your name? Frank Giver.

40:06Babs:I think they'll be able to tell by... Giver. It's an uneducated... What do you mean? It's an uneducated guess. I think you'll be able to tell by... My honestly... Claws, mannerisms. My gay diet is fucking miles off.

40:21Barry:Rose is terrible. She couldn't believe John Barrowman were gay.

40:24Babs:I wouldn't say I've got a good... Gay diet. Either way. But I do think a gay man will be able to realise what he's getting himself into. With the giving and taking. Yeah, unwritten... Just signs.

40:38Barry:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it's like when you say, oh, she's going to be a lucky... Bucky bugger. Yeah. I beat her. I beat it. I've never said it.

40:52Babs:It was just a reference to Michael, that's all. Did you beat her? Well, we had a game of cards. Is this? It was him when he went, would I beat it?

41:03Barry:Is this? It's such a derogatory, but a term that I'd never say. I've never ever said that in my life.

41:11Babs:Would I beat it?

41:11Barry:I know what it means.

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42:13Babs:So good, so good, so good.

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42:27Babs:Why do we rack? For the hottest deals. There's so many good brands. Join the Nordic Club to unlock exclusive discounts, shop new arrivals first, and more.

42:35Barry:Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.

42:47Barry:interesting fact not done one for a while again it's family related have you been watching gladiators no

42:55Babs:no

42:57Barry:cyclone big unit yeah like the female one well

43:01Babs:ah yes yeah big as in muscly or big as in like couldn't he just lose a bit of timber no she's she's a gladiator not gonna have an overweight gladiator on John oh I don't know Hunter got a bit of a podge back in the day Her brother Go on

43:16Barry:Republic of Ireland and Istanbul winger Festi of Bozlar Republic of Ireland and Istanbul Yeah Plays in Turkey

43:25Babs:You thought Istanbul was a country there didn't you Yeah Am I wrong? Oh he plays for Istanbul and Republic of Ireland

43:37Barry:Yeah It's Istanbul but I can't pronounce it so I just went with Istanbul What did you think he meant?

43:42Babs:I switch off a lot of time when he starts talking I think you thought Istanbul was a country No I know but for a fact it's obviously the capital of Turkey isn't it Do you know what Chris I'm going to give you that Yeah Interesting fact that isn't it Do you know what that is Salmon spunk

43:58Barry:Oh is it in When did it go in

44:01Babs:It's been fertilised I went this morning It hurts

44:05Barry:So when should we start seeing effects

44:12Barry:um it's a bit of swelling it looks like you've been jizzing the eyes she's put in the nose as

44:17Babs:well when she first put it in i looked in the mirror i thought i can't record i'm gonna have

44:24Barry:to put a sick ear in you can see all yeah there's like swelling on where it's gone in yeah loads of

44:30Babs:little thingies but it hurts for the first couple i had to keep my eyes open and i was crying like tears. I think that was just crying as in being soft or wet no, it was more like eyes watering eye watering stuff. Have a look it was like, you know, when you're on a CSI and there's a footprint on a tile like a dirty footprint on a tile it's like a print of a well, that is the price you pay for vanity I know.

45:02Barry:Yeah, I appreciate your honesty about it.

45:05Babs:By the way I went to the teaching clinic in Presswich, and she should be working sales, because I've left there with a fucking goodie bag. A bag full of spunk. You know what you would say about getting sucked in, because you've invested in eye cream, haven't you? Yeah, I have. I've gone collagen, fucking serums. Yeah, a full lot. She's seen us coming. Yeah? Do you have to pay for it? Yeah. How much was it? 180 quid. For the spunk? Yeah. and the service of applying the spunk. I was going to say, it's a dear job if you just get the spunk for that. I hope this salmon was a thoroughbred. The best one.

45:47Babs:A big one. A good one. Like right at the front when they're swimming. Fresh water.

45:51Barry:Not farmed. You don't want farmed.

45:53Babs:No. Ten a penny that farmed salmon spunk, innit? Anybody can get that in. I don't want a lazy, just a one that lets themselves go.

46:01Barry:That's it, you want a wild salmon. You don't want to jump back in a salmon.

46:04Babs:That's exactly what I was thinking.

46:05Barry:You want a wild salmon that's had to fight upstream to get to the breeding ground. Are we going upriver, lads?

46:13Babs:No. I'm just going to sit here. And we'll have a kip. I'm going to stay here. Let us know what it's like. If the results are really good, I'll pass it on. I'm not having it myself. Would you? Are you not fancy it? It's like the first couple are basically close to your eyeball. Eyeball? No. I don't think I'm not bothered about injections in my face

46:36Barry:well yeah but interesting to see the results should I keep you

46:40Babs:up to date with the journey yeah

46:43Barry:daily pictures see I can what about your stories are you not putting pictures on your stories nah

46:49Babs:there's where you need to strike up the deal yeah this needs to be a partnership with one of the gosh alright would you fancy it Instagram

46:57Barry:I mean it's the first ever we spoke about it the other day it's the first ever time I bought anything like that because I said my eyes were looking out wise and I have been applying You look good Well I said to Rose she's not going to recognise me in my gimp mask next week I look like two different eyes staring at her 20 year old eyes

47:18Babs:I'll retract what I said not for me if you can get me free of charge I'll come over and get it done Right Would you be willing to take part in social media? Right I would In fact Matty Matty can do us he can knock his little video up right salmon sperm journey because I couldn't put injections in myself no just as a side

47:39Barry:again did you see that fans in a box on Sky

47:44Babs:that what it was on there in the background there were just people running everywhere and so

47:50Barry:for United v City they put six United fans and six City fans in a room and shut doors they called it fans in a box and then Roy Keane told them result and

48:03Babs:no wank it was finalysis wasn't it? have I spoke to you about this? no so you know they're getting all these fans on Sky basically not pundits right it's the company's finalysis Michael McIntyre is the money man or his son was involved and Gary Neville and Sky Sports are investors

48:26Barry:to be fair that sounds like a Michael McIntyre idea fans in a box Three United, three cities. We won't tell them the results.

48:35Babs:And then surprise. Every now and again, it just bursts in.

48:38Barry:It was just going to get worse. They'll be like, whoever loses gets slimed.

48:43Babs:Like what it used to be with slime come down.

48:46Barry:Crinkly bottom.

48:47Babs:That's the one. The big pink thing. So is that right then? They were reacting to stuff on the telly.

48:55Barry:Right. I only saw the reveal.

48:57Babs:Roy Keane.

48:58Barry:and they build it up somebody won 2-0 we'll get Roy Keane to tell you which team won 2-0 and then Roy Keane just go on yeah United and then all United fans are like it's in their faces of the City fans but sounds shied

49:16Babs:the only way that could get any better is if they had just a big tear up at the end of it like any better or worse well better it sounds shit alright fuck the Blas love you three so much you make me howl and i look forward to every friday because of you right here goes i'm a female you can call me barbara and my partner we will call bob i was married and left a very unhappy marriage after being with him for 30 years then i met bob barbara and bob sound like a mucky couple

49:52Barry:Until already

49:54Babs:Met on Tinder After I gave myself a year to breathe And enjoyed just being me Didn't meet anyone And I had no intention of meeting anyone Until my year of celibacy was up I hit the fucking jackpot with Bob We hit it off straight away He's the most sarcastic person I've ever met With such a dry sense of humour As we got to know each other He asked as you've been married for so long is there anything you would like to do that you've not sexually I like it

50:29Barry:he's testing the ground yep

50:33Babs:a sex club was my reply Bob was no stranger to them and happily we've been to a few together wow I mean fucking wow is all I can say we have also discussed what turns us both on. And luckily, it's a tea girl.

50:55Barry:A tea girl?

50:56Babs:Tranny.

50:57Barry:What, like with trolley?

50:59Babs:Tea, coffee, sugar, milk. Tranny to you three. The first club we went to, I had bobbed between my thighs while I sucked off two hot trannies. Can you say tranny? Yeah. Yeah. Say transvestite. No, trannies. We're not going to work, Chris. Not on my watch. I'll fucking jack the podcast in. Trust me, some of these ladies are gorgeous.

51:22Barry:I want to keep our tranny fans happy.

51:26Babs:Trust me, some of these ladies are gorgeous. Well, I'm going to correct them, not ladies, either the fellas. Well... The fellas. Are they? Yep, the fellas. She's sucking two willies, the fellas. Hmm. In the same respect, some can make you shudder, and I think, fuck that for a game of soldiers. We then joined a popular swinging site as a couple that you might have mentioned in the past. This is where it gets interesting. You would not believe what people are into. Being offered cash for my worn knickers. Being asked if I will join a cat fight in a hotel room while men watch. £500 for the winner and£250 for the loser.

52:08Babs:They just want her and another bird in a hotel, scrapping. Winner gets£500, loser£250.

52:16Barry:if she if her first jabs are good are you taking the 250 it's just think oh what just yeah they

52:23Babs:lost yeah start crying being asked if we will meet men at top end hotels for the weekend lock their cocks in a cage for the weekend while we use them financially for food drinks and shopping so not for us. So they just go to an hotel, lock the guy in and just use his credit card.

52:45Barry:No, I think you can actually get cages for your old man, yeah. What? Yeah. What? You can, I'm sure you can. I'm sure you can.

53:01Babs:What do you mean?

53:02Barry:It can't be comfy. It's like a chastity belt for a man. Oh, right. cage yeah but that's it's not going to be comfy is it that's what they're into

53:12Babs:well anyway lock there cocks in a cage for the weekend as for my shoe size if someone wants to travel from Cornwall and bring me ballet shoes to wear well fucking the tea girl will be in a full ballet costume as well can I am yes that is a cage oh hi a cage and a very very small willy

53:37Barry:it's too bad we're stepping away from this all right sorry i'm fucking well do you know what that is though i think like you push it like push it right in compress it and then you can't get an erection stops you getting an erection we'll be so though if you do win it the teagirl being

53:55Babs:full there are there are there there is just a handful these are just a handful of requests I think we should have a Babs and Bobs Bizarre Request of the Week on your podcast That's a great idea That could be a nice feature, wouldn't it? Babs and Bob So I think, well I'm assuming

54:16Barry:they're active now, still This isn't just No, they're bang at it

54:20Babs:Just saying, haha But I think our favourite recent visit to a sex club has to involve someone we've named Rover Or will become a parent when we arrived and walked in he was sat in Y fronts in a dog collar kneeling up on one of the sofas eating pizza and chips see if you can get your tea there and all that's glad yes some clubs actually do free food for you wouldn't dream of eating it not knowing if any of the men had fanny batter on their mitts after having fun oof I digress

54:54Barry:yeah you don't want to finger buffy at a sex party no

54:56Babs:you know what I'm like I'm not bothered about warm prawns am I anyway as the night went on I went for a wee when I returned Bob said you won't believe me I've just seen that man rover to us run after a squeaky toy nah this is like that one that you read ages ago the people that dress up and that didn't he tell himself to a radiator dog lead furries I thought he was winding me up He wasn't as a bit later We went into another room And I heard and saw a dog's squeaky toy Land outside the door Rover scarpered up on his front paws And knees after it Picked it up squeaking away Waiting to be told He was a good boy After he got a head rub as a reward A no not his knob Followed by a swift few kicks to the balls he was over the moon whimpering like a dog you can't be kicking dogs that's what he wants honestly good on him because he had the noises off to a tee we've since seen Rover masturbating with his cock through a dog toy his rocks off

56:19Babs:on a personal note on a personal note I won't be asking to look after my dogs when I go on a holiday anyway everything I've written is 100 % true and only the tip of the iceberg in our kinky world. My question is, what's the weirdest thing you've done sexually? Jesus Christ. What do you think, boys? Really hope you'll read this, as me and Bob aren't usually together on a Friday, so he listens on his way home from work and sends me a message saying, just wait until you hear this week's Friday Club. Bob introduced me to you three, and I love him for it. He's a Patreon, been to your shores. he's an old under the cosh as an old under the cosh hoodie and also as a parking mug that looks like you're wearing a woman's bask so what's the wildest thing you've done or been asked to do love you three if you ever want walking around a club and having your eyes truly wide open let us know love babs and bobs include a couple of photos so you know we're not ogres and to be fair, she sent a photo of her breasts in a red netty toppy thing.

57:29Babs:Yes, that is a pair of tits.

57:35Babs:And then, if you just slide across, there's Babs and Bob. Lovely couple. Oh yeah, lovely couple. Lovely couple. So, a few questions.

57:49Barry:Has she offered us a walkthrough? There's a few questions. Like we could go for professional reasons.

57:55Babs:Yeah.

57:56Barry:Do you know what I mean? Like we've said before, I don't think she owns the play.

58:00Babs:I don't think it's like in Morocco.

58:02Barry:Yeah, but the regulars, aren't they?

58:04Babs:Oh, tell you what.

58:06Barry:Rover, you don't mind if we get the lads in, do you, Friday? It's like when we go recording in someone's bar that we know. You know, call a favour. I know three lads who are interested in what goes off. You don't mind if they have a walkthrough, do you? She might be able to pull them strings or babs. Matty'll want to come with four lads.

58:24Babs:What are you, Matty? You'd be up for that, wouldn't you? Go and see Rover? I wouldn't like to have a look like it. I don't want to get involved. So what's the... I'd have a browse. What's the weirdest request you've had? You might have played it out, but what's the weirdest request you've had? Pretty boring, me. Somebody must have asked to shove some up your arse. Nah. What? Never asked. Nobody's ever asked to shove some up your arse? No. I don't think... Fuck off. The kind of women... You obviously have. Yeah, somebody has to show something. Fuck off. I'm watching golf. Yeah, no. I can't say...

59:04Babs:What's the strangest... I'd say something like just like... We're going to have to have a think about this one. You've put us on the spot there, John Boy. Obviously, yours might be getting wanked off on plane. That's quite hard there, isn't it?

59:18Barry:maybe yeah

59:21Babs:but do you know if I'm in there right and I'm into this game this swinging game and that if I see somebody on his hands and knees going and getting a squeaky bone and like sitting up as he wants a pet for getting it I'm not being able to concentrate no I'm getting off and getting a large donna and going home if I say that

59:40Barry:there's a massive difference though for me between doing something that's a bit a bit fruity a bit out wild you know like getting wanked off on a plane or having a chag in a graveyard or something like that, a bit of slap and tickle to dog toys and knickers and paying a couple of women for having a scrap in a hotel room. That's a different ether for me.

1:00:03Babs:What, the fighting?

1:00:04Barry:Just all of those. All of it. All of the above.

1:00:07Babs:The thing is, do you think if he goes for a walk down the park and he sees a dog chasing after a squirty toy, do you think that turns him on? I do not know the answer to that, Chris. There's a lot of questions about rule. I don't think they ever will know the answer to that. But the tea girl thing, do you think there'll be tea girls in every swing is gaff? Or do you think they've just got lucky that there are a couple in there? Do they get in touch with tea girls? Do they get in touch over this site and say, I'll meet you there? Yeah, they must do. But this isn't a criticism, Barbara, but I feel like that's a strange fantasy for a girl to have.

1:00:48Babs:to suck a tranny off yeah to go with the transvestite nothing imagine yeah well Bob likes it and bubble fucking well bubble game is a badger what you imagine that'd be a strange one we spoke about a couple of weeks ago about if you just sit down and get cards on the table with a partner and she just goes I don't want to get a transvestite that's tough to say I go with tranny I want to get a tranny involved you'd be like nah so he's been to one of our shows right I'm gonna throw it out this is a totally this might not be able to could we have a Barbara and Bob episode at Friday Club well get them on get them on our well I'd like to know just ask look love to ask loads of questions yeah just 15 minutes for Barbara and Bob yeah in person or in person do you fancy coming on Barbara and Bob and then we'll get Rover on if we give you this yeah I'm with you John yeah you fancy it Barbara Bob give her over come on we'll come to you that's long as you're in your house yeah you know one of them gaffes let's give her over a treat for coming on well I confess I can fetched a couple of Percy's toys.

1:02:08Babs:When we're ready for him, I'll just kick it outside and talk, do we? Maybe get him on via Zoom, but shall we get him on for some question and answer with Barbara and Bob? Yeah. That's a great idea. By the way, I'm not alone. Or your troubles. Yeah, I was trying to think of a good word then. A suitable word. difficulties difficulties yeah okay yeah efficiency too strong really harsh

1:02:44Barry:yeah i've got one here listening to last week's friday club i was like chitchilder nodding dog listening to brownies issues with performing for a blowjob i'm in the same boat myself just never happened no matter how good it's felt glad i'm not the only one unifying people here with your ailments. I've had

1:03:03Babs:34 offers from girls. What, since? Did you suck it off? No. I tell you what, honestly nobody can get their full fist up my arse.

1:03:20Barry:Nobody can get watch deep up to my fucking up my Gary. Another one, straight to the point, I'm with Brownie, never come for a blowjob and when I had a Tinder dispel many took it as a challenge right result but all failed strangely don't see it's a problem from the ladies no no no strangely every time i shagged a new girl the first time i'd never come

1:03:45Babs:either that lucky bastard that is a deficiency think it was an anxiety thing but on one occasion

1:03:53Barry:one of the tinder dates started crying because she thought it meant i didn't find her attractive she was in brackets

1:04:00Babs:that's gotta be rocking all shit that to not be able to come at all on your first time that is that's that's deficiency but yeah that's a strange one innit yeah do you do you tell them before like I'm really sorry but I'm not gonna come here so you fill your boots fill your fucking boots love what

1:04:20Barry:first time

1:04:22Babs:I've got I've got this issue

1:04:24Barry:the first time that I sleep with a lady I can't produce

1:04:27Babs:yeah so don't take it as a slight away you go love

1:04:33Barry:you're giving her the notice beforehand that's what I'm saying do you

1:04:38Babs:maybe better

1:04:39Barry:to be fair yeah it probably is better going early or do you know what say that every time and then when you come you're like oh my god nobody's ever done that to me before you are the best

1:04:51Babs:I have never ejaculated once during sexual intercourse

1:04:57Barry:you'll have to do this more often

1:04:58Babs:I think we should become a thing

1:05:01Barry:please get this anonymous but I wanted to give Brownie my backing after revealing he's never jizzed from a bluzzer I'm 33 and despite having numerous women try and succeed I'm in the no jizz club I've had some terrible blowjobs but some unbelievable ones and despite their best efforts it just never happens I put it down to a mental block, but also wanting to perform when the main event kicks off.

1:05:28Babs:There we go.

1:05:29Barry:But I reckon it's more common than you boys think a B and Brownie aren't alone. Cheers, a nonny bloz.

1:05:37Babs:Blozzer? Have you heard them called blozzers? When I was about 14, I think. What? Fancy getting a blozzer? Yeah, I've got a blozzer around the back.

1:05:50Babs:Foreign Bogs. Something different. I hope. 100 % true story, names have been changed. Very short, but worth it. A mate of mine was playing cricket in Australia as an overseas semi-professional. He'd be about 19 at the time. He was over there for six months, and the last couple of weeks, his parents came over for a holiday, and they all travelled home together. Long-haul flight via Dubai. In Dubai Airport, the dad, let's call him Gary, went to the bog for a sit-down job. he came out no problem didn't say a word the mum let's call her susan then went to the toilet gary said prepare yourself sue it's it's not a normal toilet it's just a it's just a hole in the floor and a shower head to wash your ass susan went in prepared came back and said ladies is normal.

1:06:48Babs:Normal toilet, normal toilet roll, hand dryers, the lot. Gary went back into the gents. Traps one and two were also normal. Trap three was a shower. He'd shit in the shower, poked it down the drain and rinsed his arse with the shower head. What? He's never lived it down. Oh, he's gone swirling with a finger. No. Oh my God.

1:07:18Barry:surely you'd know it's a shower

1:07:20Babs:if you've never been to that country before it must be like oh this is what they're all like you would though wouldn't you oh for fuck's sake

1:07:28Barry:has he not gone in did he go and see the shower because I'm just thinking has he not because they have the ones that you just sit over a hole don't you you're not going to be able to give me any of these answers but I'm thinking has he gone and they have those for religious reasons or for cultural reasons, they prefer to have a poo in one of the halls where you squat. So he's gone in there and done that and then somebody else checked and thinks it's a shower.

1:07:56Babs:Surely he's not had a shit in his shower. He's had a shit in his shower, Chris. I'm only reading what was in front of us. I don't think we need to pick that apart. That police officer had worked it out. He's had a shit in his shower and gone with his finger. Yeah.

1:08:09Barry:That's outrageous.

1:08:10Babs:Rinsed his ass with the shower head. He's obviously thought that was the thingy. Oh. it's a shower Chris by the way stick with the shower he's going to want he's going to want some royalties by the way that's my mate again honestly yeah that's my mate again on that obviously do you know last week's with the shoes and that I've got regarding Friday Club curled up in a ball under the duvet was the hiding place

1:08:35Barry:oh right yes so he's curled up

1:08:38Babs:and just pulled the sheet over

1:08:39Barry:quick reminder for everyone didn't hear it he was having an affair with the woman no he weren't he didn't realise he was having an affair oh yeah and kids come home whilst he was in the marital bed and she told him to hide and he killed up in a ball under the covers

1:08:54Babs:and there were no photos obvious or shoes in the hallway so she must have put them away before going out I got the explanation after from her but never revisited right so

1:09:07Barry:so at least we know

1:09:08Babs:yep that's three he's had him he's playing well yeah you know what

1:09:13Barry:that night I was sat up in bed and I was thinking where would I hide where would I hide because my wardrobes have got one of them the wardrobes have built in drawers so it's only half a wardrobe do you know what I mean I ain't got a bottom

1:09:27Babs:so I could get on top

1:09:29Barry:but then you we've all cut you know

1:09:31Babs:that's going through Chris no matter I don't know who your joiner is but that's going through are you coming up Barbara and Bob are you coming on a Zoom to answer some questions yes

1:09:40Barry:and well we best go because we've got to get ourselves to Morocco, gentlemen.

1:09:44Babs:Mm-hmm. Also, can I say thanks to Brad Franks for letting us use his... Yeah, thanks, Brad. You've ruined my life. He's shown me a game, a little dice game, and I can't stop playing it now. So thanks a lot for that, Brad. Yeah, he got us out the shit.

1:10:02Barry:Yes, we needed something to record. I'm in his back garden.

1:10:05Babs:Yeah, he sought us out a treat there, hadn't he? Yes. Thank you very much, Brad.

1:10:08Barry:Cheers, mate. We appreciate it. Right, are we done?

1:10:11Babs:Up the cosh until next week. By the way, it's the second time I've seen Brad. It's the first time I've seen him with his shirt on. He's one of them who will take his shirt off, isn't he? Yeah, he loves it. Do your workouts. Just leave your vest on, Brad. Fist pumper or a high fiver? He's a bumper. A bumper? Yeah, a big bumper. Still got a sore knuckle, actually, from it. Would you say he looked three years older than John?

1:10:29Barry:Fuck off.

1:10:31Babs:Yep. Looks well, doesn't he? Yeah. He's just had salmon spunk. Yeah, the salmon spunk. I don't know. He will be, though.

1:10:37Barry:Right, over and out. We'll see you next week. Yes. and the Morocco video even though we've not been yet it will be out by now so get on that Morocco video give it a watch I hope it's not a nil nil well it can't be it's final can it but hopefully it's an eventful match yeah

1:10:56Babs:see you next week

1:11:09Barry:club. Bing bang bosh. With all of your favorites from under the cuss. So if you want to share a story or relive a form of glory. Futter the wheat or clapping them cheeks. Maybe you got caught by the mother-in-law having a wank. It's all here on the Friday Club.

1:11:28It's all here on the Friday Club.

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